Friends? Never.
Pallidpaw tries to find out why Marigoldspark has been avoiding her but ends up getting in a screaming match that leaves them both numb and hurting.
Marigoldspark’s paws find the prey pile soon enough. She’s exhausted, haggard. Between her tireless guard duty and roaming the territory at every chance she has, her energy has been spun thin. But it helps — it helps to keep busy, to deafen the itch in her brain that cannot be scratched. Marigoldspark misses the days when she scarcely thought … now, it seems that all she can do is think.
And she hates it.
There is nothing good on the prey pile, nothing to satisfy her cravings, but she grabs something small. Her appetite is almost nonexistent, muscles still riding off the high of chasing the winds. Marigoldspark doesn’t see Cayennepaw or Littlepaw, and begrudgingly hobbles off to a quiet corner in camp … though, it is not as though everyone would stop to chat with her anyways if she sat somewhere busier. And that’s fine, she thinks bitterly, that they want nothing to do with her. It’s mutual.
Maybe she’ll take Toadpaw out later, but … well, is she even in the mood to look at his sorry mug? Not particularly; but when is she ever? Marigoldspark huffs, tucking her legs beneath her to eat. Another run wouldn’t hurt … maybe to Outlook Ridge. A smile and she feels a bit warmer. She treasures that specific spot a bit more than any other notable landmark in WindClan’s territory, after her conversation with Emberstar weeks ago. Even though cats come and go as they please to the ridge, a memory exists there that is hers and hers alone. She won’t share it, not even with Cayennepaw or Littlepaw. It’s her special moment, and she is content to keep it that way.
She bites into the mouse, but it tastes naught in her mouth. She’s just not hungry, but she forced herself to eat anyway. Cayennepaw will fuss if she doesn’t. She doesn’t want to worry him … he has had such a dark expression, lately. Marigoldspark decides that she will catch him something nice to eat for tonight. That will be her afternoon plans.
Pallidpaw padded in from training with Emberstar, although the amount of actual knowledge transfer that happened was questionable. Their leader had a way of teaching that Pallidpaw didn't particularly like. It wasn't that he didn't teach her anything, but more that he didn't teach her the way she wished he would. Not the way that Wildthistle trained her.
Her paws unwittingly carried her to the freshkill pile to pick up a sparrow, though there were slim pickings. She went for the next best thing, another feathered creature. Turning the molly settled down near, but not overly close to, Marigoldspark. "Hi Mari," she meowed before taking a bite from the robin between her paws. A bit of anxiety nibbled at her gut from being so close to the confrontational molly, who seemed to have really taken a disliking for her. Pallidpaw wasn't entirely sure the exact reason but figured it had to do with her mentor being her savior. "Find anything interesting while out patrolling recently? Must be nice to be able to leave camp whenever you want," she offered the blue and white molly a compliment. Pallidpaw knew that Marigoldspark craved any kind of positive affirmations....in that way the two were similar.
She looked into her companion's olive eyes before returning to eating the bird. Memories of Cayennepaw and her sharing meals made her cheeks warm slightly.
She watches Pallidpaw trail behind Emberstar through narrow eyes, anger coiling in her stomach. Her shoulders pull back, muscles growing tense. Marigoldspark’s minute appetite is wolfishly swallowed by the searing feeling in her belly. Why her? Why her? Why her??? Why did Emberstar have to pick her? Is she not good enough? Is that it? Marigoldspark wonders what he says to her, what he teaches her, wonders if he likes Pallidpaw more than her. Could she even blame him? Everyone adores Pallidpaw! Faves over her! Showers her in compliments! Why wouldn’t Emberstar choose WindClan’s precious, perfect little Pallidpaw over her? Prefer her, over Marigoldspark, a caustic wildfire, an angry child that nobody wants— because who would want her when they have Pallidpaw!!!
Paranoia is a flesh-eating monster. It is acidic. It is ravenous yet encroaches slowly along her back, and Marigoldspark can only stare at what was once a mouse, crushed between her paws. Her breathing is ragged, and she almost gasps for the cold air like a fish out of water. She tries to find her bearings, to think of something warm and fuzzy. She steers her mind in the direction of Cayennepaw and Littlepaw, and her plans for the afternoon. Marigoldspark’s flame flickers and wanes. Okay, okay, okay, okay, she’s okay! She’s—
A mellow voice, familiar and like thorns in her head.
“It’s Marigoldspark,” she says hoarsely, not lifting her gaze from her hefty paws. Mari is a nickname that is allowed for Cayennepaw, and Littlepaw too, even. Nobody else.
When Pallidpaw sits, Marigoldspark inches back. What does she want? Why isn’t she leaving? Can’t she talk to literally anyone else? She presses her paws together and watches as they begin to shake.
“…….nothing is stopping ya from leaving camp whenever ya want,” her voice is rough, and every word is a mountainous struggle to get out.
Well, seems that they weren't going to reminisce like old times, huh?
The way Marigoldspark recoiled at her mere presence made her mouth dry, but she merely took a few bites from the bird in her grasp. She heard her comment but didn't immediately reply, instead choosing to lick her lips and clean her maw. What should she say? What do you say to a bellowing fire?
"I guess that's true, but I merely meant that it must be nice feeling confident enough to hold your own out there," her blue eyes turned to the entrance of camp, leading out to the wide moors. Surely, Marigoldspark wouldn't take well to that comment, despite its good intentions.
Leaning down she took another bite from the bird and laid in awkward silence. She was used to silence, for the most part, and even found comfort in it sometimes.
Swallowing the last bite she raised a paw to wipe her mouth and dragged it back over her cheek fur once she knew there was no blood on it. "Now Mari...my apologies...Marigoldspark, have I done something wrong?" At that, she looked to the blue and white molly with that same sweet expression she always held, except this time it had a twinge of concern mixed in. "I can't help but notice the way you avoid me...same with Bladepaw," she sighed softly and began to paw at a small bit of snow near her paw.
"I thought we were friends..." she meowed a bit bashfully. She remembered how Marigoldspark had come to her defense in regards to her mother. How they played with Waspkit...those times in the apprentice den when they would nap together.
There it is, Marigoldspark dryly muses, Pallidpaw's classic oh, woe is me! shriveling rose of a voice. It angers her, burns her up, everything, anything. She bites her tongue, willing her desire to yell and bite to recoil inside her. She can't make a scene here, least of all with Pallidpaw. All of WindClan will be upon her in a second! Yelling, chastising! Oh, damned she will be if she snaps at Pallidpaw. Marigoldspark snorts derisively.
"Is there a point in explaining it?" she rasps, voice harsh like claws against stone, "Doubt it, you ain't gonna get it even if I do, darling." What a stupid title, Marigoldspark thinks, as she spits the word out, but she's too angry to think of something better, "Why would I want anything to do with you? So I can watch everyone kiss up to ya? Go, oh, Pallidpaw! You're so nice! So pretty! Give you so much love and attention for just breathing?"
And the words keep coming, and she can't stop them. Anger, slow-building over the past moons, floods her and wins against self-control. It is an unnecessary strong reaction to such a simple question, and it is one that makes no sense to anyone but Marigoldspark. She has always been chaotic. Her name suits her well, a fleeting thought muses, a spark. Kindling. Flame. Wildfire. All-consuming.
"Yeah! That sounds like a damn riot! Oh, maybe I can watch while ya steal away Emberstar away from me, huh? Who you gonna go for next? Littlepaw? Sagestep? Cayennepaw? No frosting thank you! No, Pallidpaw, you haven't done anything wrong, but I can't stand you. I can't stand you. Why do you get to have everything that I can't? Why you? You get to have a father, you had a mother to know, to love. The entire Clan eats out of yer paw! Ya have aaaaall the friends a cat could ever need, more than that, even! Everyone adores ya, and for what? Ya have everything that I can't have and still, you wallow around like a pathetic little wiltin' flower! Is it not enough? Huh? Will ya be sated once ya get yer hooks in the only good things I have?!"
Marigoldspark's voice is hoarse and she coughs, but she isn't done. She gets into Pallidpaw's face, looming over her, teeth bared.
"I see how ya look at me. I'm pitiable to you, aren't I? Oooh, poor little Mari! Poor her! My little charity case, I'll pretend to give a damn so everyone thinks about how nice I am!" Marigoldspark's teeth snap. "Newsflash, Pallidpaw! Ya ain't as nice as ya think ya are! Ya think her doin' me a favour, pretendin' to care? Ya should be grateful that I've been avoidin' ya, 'cos I sure as fox ain't got nowhere near the same amount of self-control that Bladepaw does." "Ya wanna know somethin'? I hate cats like you. Lookin' at me like ya care, like ya understand. Ya only act like ya give a damn to make yourself feel better about yourself. Why don't ya cut me some slack and treat me like the dirt between your claws, like everyone else does? At least they ain't fakers! S'better for my head, for my heart. I don't need yer mousey sympathy, got it? Don't need any of it, don't need any of your half-assed kindness. Not a breath." "And honestly, Pallidpaw? Ya would sleep much better at night if ya finally came to terms with the fact that ya ain't anywhere near as sweet and innocent as ya think and act like ya are. Stars know I sleep better at night knowing I'll never be anythin' more than a disgrace in WindClan's eyes, so why don't ya wake up too?"
There it was. Darling. She deep down knew everyone was calling her that as a backhanded comment. They weren't commenting on how kind and sweet she was. No. They were calling her hollow...fake...merely a pretty face.
It made her claws unfurl into the dirt below and she held her tongue as Marigoldspark flipped on her. She knew that if you held a match up to a flame it would catch the embers, but part of her hoped they could have a genuine conversation. How foolish.
All of it was things that she had feared secretly, that Mari thought she was trying to steal Emberstar from her. Lusterheart. Grayfoot. All her friends. She knew deep down that Marigoldspark was viciously jealous of her, even though Pallidpaw wanted to be friends with her.
As she looms over the meek molly, that sweet expression folded into one of regret and slight apathy. What a child Mari was. She had no control over her emotions and everyone in Windclan knew that. If they didn't, now they do.
That was until Marigoldspark dug her claws into the cracks of Pallidpaw's self-image and wrought them apart. Severing her in two. She wasn't as nice as she thought? Was that true? Was she just using those around her? No...there was no way. If she was, she didn't mean to. Only mean cats take advantage of others. She wouldn't do that...right?
A tear slipped down her cheek as she pushed herself up onto her paws, forehead pressing against Marigoldspark's. Leaning back she looked at the warrior, her eyes glassy and voice cracking, "You hate me huh..." Crystalline blue eyes looked at her peer's green ones, "Cats aren't something you can have Mari...but if you could, you could have Emberstar. I'm not doing anything to keep you from your savior," her words were sharp, but dripped with emotion.
"You like to assume things about everyone else...such a hypocrite," her tail lashed against the ground in annoyance. "I do care. You think me a martyr..."
She scoffed, "Look at yourself then." Her blue eyes were waning with their anger, now sadness was the sole emotion behind them.
"I don't know exactly why cats like me...but it would do you a favor to take a step back and realize that cats can just care about you without having a reason," her ears pinned against her head. "You're gonna push everyone away...and then you'll be alone. Is that what you want?"
"Yes." It's hard in her throat. Her gaze is volatile. She jerks away from Pallidpaw. "That's exactly what I want. It would make everything so much easier for me, and everyone else, if I was all alone. Everyone should just fox off and leave me the hell alone and give you all the damned love that you never earned." She curls her lip in disgust.
"I bet ya feel real proud of yerself for that little speech, huh? Feelin' all confident? Feelin' like ya go some kinda backbone in there? I knew ya wouldn't understand a damn thing I said, and until ya have nothing, ya never will. Of course, ya would say that dung, ya never had to want! Ya never had to feel that damned feelin' as a shitty little kid, where the Clan judges you, sneers, scorns, scowled! Ya never had her loyalty questioned fer bein' alive!" "So go on, tell me cats can care for no reason. Go on, go on. Rub it in my face, will ya? That yer better than me. That ya just have to be a sorry, sad, worthless little cat and everyone will tell you, noooo Pallidpaw! Yer a saint! Yer so good! Hah!" Haggard laughter and Marigoldspark begins to cough again. Her words are growing needlessly cruel, and she wants Pallidpaw to cry at this point. Give her a reason to feel bad, for once.
It makes her feel full, for just a moment, to empty out all these foul words.
"The difference 'tween me n' everyone else is I ain't ever cared about suppressin' myself. I know what I am. I know I'm the big bad wolf, and ya know what? Good. Fine! Go cry to your snotty friends, tell 'em I'm so mean. Tell I'm big bad Marigoldspark is a lost cause, oh, you tried to be my friend, didn't ya? When it suited yerself, and only then. Ya call me a martyr and a hypocrite, but go look in a puddle. At least I ain't ever pretended to be somethin' I ain't. But go on. Keep foolin' yerself. Keep cryin'. Keep feelin' sorry." "Least I know my purpose, in the end. To be the boogeyman. What's your purpose, Pallidpaw, other than to be a miserable withering flower, pale as your name, only good fer pitying yerself and then pattin' yerself on the back when tryin' t'take on a sorry cause such as myself?"
Shock coursed through her gut at the hard answer of yes. How could she want that? Didn't everyone want to be liked? To want friends?
Her comments hurt, made her bottom lip quiver, and her breath come in ragged sobs. Pallidpaw had tried to be confident, to stand her ground, to not be what she hated about herself. Each word from Marigoldspark's maw ripped a pound of bone from her back, crumpling more effectively than anything she could've ever imagined.
"You know nothing about me, don't speak as if you...as if you know what I went through," her sentence was interrupted by a hiccup. "I'm not better than you Mari! Stars, you talk down to me saying that I am so weak and pathetic. You can't see that the others are jealous! It eats them alive." Breathing hurt, the cold air crackling her lungs and threatening break.
At her question, she felt herself get angry again, "Fuck you Mari! My purpose is nothing more than to be happy." Stomping her foot into the ground she snarled, "Maybe if you tried that you wouldn't be so foxing miserable to be around."
With that said she hung her head and felt the tears pour from her cheeks, stinging her tear ducts. With one last flick of her tail, she turned and ran away. She didn't care where she ended up, as long as it was far away from Marigoldspark.
She lets out a harsh laugh. "Real good purpose there, when all ya can do is feel sorry for yourself," she sneers, incensed by Pallidpaw's comment. Marigoldspark's gaze is loathsome as she watches Pallidpaw cry, and run. "Bye-bye! Be sure to tell everyone just how nasty and mean I really am! Have fun cryin', you pale excuse for a cat!" she calls, throat tightening. The meanness comes easier than she would expect, but Pallidpaw's comment tastes like acid on her tongue. It claws at her throat. Vicious wolf. Vicious animal. It hurts, and she swallows.
What, does Pallidpaw think she intends to be so angry, so stormy, so bitter? Marigoldspark has stopped avoiding these emotions, but at every turn that she has attempted to have something good, some cat squanders it, and then they expect her to do a happy dance! Expect her to be okay with it all! This is not her fault, she tells herself. It is on everyone else. This is all their doing. What is the point in trying to be anything but what the Clan expects of her? No matter how proper she acts, it would never be enough. Marigoldspark spits on the ground as Pallidpaw disappears from camp, and she can feel the stares of everyone around her crawling on her back. Good. Good.
She will give them a reason to hate her. Justify those feelings, make them rational. Ragged and hoarse, she springs up the slope before anyone else can speak to her. She will find a tunnel to sleep in. She doesn't want to be here to see Pallidpaw's pity party later in the day.
Marigoldspark lifts a paw to wipe the tears from her eyes, but, for once ... her cheeks are dry.