Just reach out already, for my sake.
"You know how Koa is my best friend? That will never change, I just have some things I need to tell him."
Note: As much as Koa is included here, he is only mentioned, and this is about him from Cider's perspective, thank you.
Sometimes, I often let my thoughts wander, into many mysterious lands that have allowed me to stay steady… mentally at least. This can be anywhere from ‘what if I never met Koa?’ to ‘what if I never pissed off that mafia?’, it’s all questions I allow my mind to wander to, most if not always something I think about. I come up with scenarios of what might have happened. I’m… lost though… I’ve never told him directly about all he has done, but his concerns and worries often… make me wonder why he is still around. Koa is someone else… certainly.
He always used to ask back when we were both teenagers, with me being in my sophomore year of high school, ‘What’s with all those bruises??’, I never had the heart to tell him the truth. I was always afraid he would get scared and run away. Truthfully, besides all those high school delinquents being who I had been friends with for years since we were little kids… Koa was the only one I say kept me afloat. Despite how he isn’t the sharpest tool, there is certainly a charm to him.
These questions were an everyday thing, and I always excused myself with that I did volleyball. I never really told a lie until those questions, I was, and still am, afraid of him learning the truth. I don’t think I could ever tell him considering how happy he is now. I do want to tell him the truth someday, I’m just scared to. When will I ever get the courage to tell him where all these scars came from, what a bat is doing beside my bed, why I am always panting upon entering the studio, why I keep my late nights up and not explore what the city has to offer. The biggest question… will certainly be the hardest for me to answer from him is… ‘why did you fake your death?’. I’ve never been asked this… but… I want to see what would happen to me if he did.
I want Koa to reach out, do something. I want him to have the passion to stand up and do something. I would beat up anyone if they hurt him, unless… he told me not to. I want to… wonder… I never asked how he felt when I just up and disappeared. Did he feel sad, angry, disappointed, worried, or feel nothing?
What happened to those days of us performing on stage together back in middle school? What happened to those days of us meeting up before school even before we had been recruited? He was all I had back then. We had something different. I’m still not sure what it is, but… even when I could do something that would anger someone, he’d still smile. I am sometimes jealous that he can get along with people easily. I wish I had that kind of feeling, but I don’t.
I wonder when he’ll reach out to me, ask me all the questions that will hurt, and certainly grab my hand, to lead me to a better life. I’ll still be waiting for him to do so. Until then, I just hope he continues to ask me how yesterday was, and the day before that. I’m waiting for Koa, just for you to reach out to me.