Tetch Awake

He lay still, immobile, eyes open but unfocused… Hoping to actually fade away tonight. 

Tetch found himself trying to recall the last time sleep came easy but quickly found the string of thoughts that came in his search distasteful. Thinking back through all the sleep-sparse nights just made sleep that much more improbable. 

Instead he refocused on the body that lay next to him, long asleep. Dappled my moonlight, Tetch studied the man, his back, his face. A nice man. Genuine. Had a way he spoke that really felt accessible. 

Tetch couldn't see him again. He considered what he'd say in the morning to spurn the connection’s reoccurring.  The man hadn't picked up on Tetch's hints the night before that he was un-interested in pursuing something more. 

The honest thing to say would be that he didn't think he was good for him, but that typically set the other person up to ensure Tetch he could be and that they were willing to take the chance. Tetch didn't want to have to genuinely prove them wrong.

The prospect of coming to care for someone horrified Tetch. All the things he could do to hurt them… he wouldn't subject a person for whom he cared to those parts of him.   

Instead, He wanted it to be over with quickness and finality. If they over crossed paths, he didn't want so much as an interested glance.

One night was all he could justify.  No one could get close in one night. Not truly. They had no idea what he'd been through, what he'd done. And he never wanted them to. 

No, instead of telling him what was real, He'd say what was sure to make them believe he could never be good for them.  It was hard, mostly it was outright lies, which he still had issue with. But it was necessary.  

Maybe something about being a sociopath? Make up some lie about abusing animals for fun or rub it in their face for believing in him as the whole night having been a social experiment. That'd done the trick once before.

Or he'd just pick something to get offended at suddenly. Any outburst on his part the day after could open eyes pretty quickly. And he had practiced the art of the outburst.

Didn't matter if it was about the price of milk, once they heard him raving, it chased most decent people away for good. 

Just as Tetch's eyelids began to flutter shut, his guest tossed in his sleep, situating himself closer and placing his head on Tetch's chest. 

He gingerly played with the man's hair. Careful not to pull him out of sleep, it gave Tetch something to do until he joined him in unconsciousness, if he was so lucky. 

His eyes drifted around his space. He didn't have much but he also didn't want it. Just a bed, a bath , a place for his clothes.  A place to try to sleep. 

He lived in a little underground flat, stationed below some store he'd never set foot in apart from to rent the place. His favorite part about this flat were the few windows near the ceiling. They weren't made for looking out of. Their purpose, a simple one, was to let just a bit of natural light filter in. On nights when the moon was out, like this one, the gentle glow that fought the pitch dark brought him a sense of calm. 

On cloud-covered stormy nights he tended to stay out, resist sleep until the grumbling skies calmed. He didn't typically have nightmares, but on nights like those, it was a given. 

One night when he'd first got the place he found himself pulled half-awake, unable to move as the the rain starting pounding. His nightmare manifested into reality as the windows busted and water rushed down into his room. Panic struck but he couldn't move. Could barely breathe as the waters roared like enormous waterfalls, filling his room, and threatened to drown him. Sleep paralysis was a bitch. Another reason he slept poorly, especially on cloudier nights. 

He never wanted to feel that helpless again. He'd made others feel that helpless. But he did his best to end it, keep it from dragging on. Just like his relationships. 

But there were failures. 

What happened with Cyrus still haunted him… not at all for the same reason the rest of his surviving family did.  

Because of Tetch, Cyrus could never enforce another policy, couldn't meet behind the backs of the people, couldn't take advantage of his position. He couldn't even take advantage of himself anymore... Tetch had trapped the man in a state of helplessness, failing to kill him. He survived but for what reason? 

 To sit in a bed, nearly incapable of speech, others having to feed, bathe, change you. 

What a hell he'd never wish on a person.

If it were at all possible, he'd have him put out of his misery. 

Misery was all relative. He felt everyone had it, but some misery was more potent more encompassing than others. His own was a slow burning fire that fed and sustained itself on everything it destroyed.

 Sometimes it dimmed, but there was always another dry patch of trees to tempt the fire’s un-assuageable hunger.

Constantly moving and searching, A fire didn't desire to stop. And it wouldn't unless it was put out or ran out of things to burn. 

And he knew, the world would never change enough for kindling to become so scarce. 

The least he could do was focus the flames where they could also promote regrowth once he left… 

Moving on, and outrunning the storms that came for him.