The Unabated Anger of Losing
“Gods DAMN IT ALL!” A voice rang out as the blue haired lalafell slammed her fist down on the wrought metal of the Crystarium, shaking the resting room she had barricaded herself into; escaping away from the worried and cautious gazes of Alisae and others who followed her back as her face betrayed her seemingly calm demeanor.
“Tofu…” A muffled but softer familiar voice pierced through the door, stuck closed with Tofu’s signature axe.
Of course Tofu had heard this voice and knew who it was, because it could only be one person who had known what had happened. Who had seen the tragedy unfold between the three of them there.
“Go away Alisae… I can’t bear to let you see me like this.” Tofu had replied, stifling a few sobs between that pause in her reply.
Not her. Not right now.
“Tofu… it’s not your fault. There’s nothing we could have done about it.” Alisae had said through the door, knowing that her words were falling on deaf ears. Tofu couldn’t see it, but Alisae was shaking on the other side of that door.
Alisae was shaken to her core, Tesleen… Was gone. In front of her eyes. She nor Tofu were quick enough to stop what happened. And try as she might… Alisae couldn’t hold back feelings she normally would just tough out and let no one see.
“It doesn’t matter if it’s my fault, or your fault, either way… She’s gone. We need to move on and take the next step.” Alisae continued, sniffling herself as the raging emotions inside of her stayed just on the inside, right below her skin.
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Tofu raged and crashed around the room more and more, leaving the room in more of a mess every second, seemingly ignoring and acting as if she hadn’t heard a single thing Alisae had said.
“Just… why?” Tofu had asked to the sky just outside the window. That unforgiving light-ridden sky. It had reminded her of an unforgiving time not too far back.
It had been a clear day at the start of this unforgiving day.
After making her way back to Rhalgar’s Reach, she encountered one who would go on to be the toughest foe she had fought in her life, and almost entirely since. She had fought Zenos.
And lost.
That blonde devil with three sharp as all hell swords.
She doesn’t regret putting him to rest in the violent end he craved.
But her feelings on that day had still lingered, and built up, and up, and up. More and more over the days leading up to Zenos’ eventual defeat, and then Tofu’s subsequent foray to the First.
“Am I worthy of this axe…?” She would ask herself on occasion, but shake it off and continue to swing and save her friends, time and time again.
“Can I protect them with all my strength?” Was another question that had plagued her mind as she shielded them with her body, the pain coursing through, but the adrenaline helping push her through.
“...Should I try anymore?” Popped in her mind as a much more dangerous question that she slammed down with her willpower, shattering the very foundation of herself in the process.
The physical damage to the room was massive.
Hours had passed of various slamming and yells that had escaped the room, and the day had shifted into a gentle night, with sobs being the only thing left on the other side of the door.
Plenty of people tried to pry her out of her own prison, to no avail. The Exarch eventually had to tell anyone who was worried to let Tofu calm down on her own terms. To let her break and fix herself.
After the hours of damage had stopped and that sobbing was all that remained, a gentle voice pierced the door, again muffled.
“Tofufu. Are you still awake in there?” The Exarch’s voice had rang out, followed by the door rattling slightly at a failed attempt by him to open the door up.
“Go away…” She replied, like a broken record that had truly, truly become broken.
“Unfortunately, I cannot do that in good faith.” He quipped back. “I know you are in pain currently. And while I cannot mend your wounds of this nature… I do wish to at least give you some words to think about.” He continued, the dutiful and leaderly voice he commanded filling her ears as she sniffled more and more.
She stayed silent as she moved to the door, slumping against it, jostling the axe that was somehow still affixed to the door in such a way to keep it effectively locked.
“What had happened today was unequivocally a tragedy. One of many that plagues us here.” The Exarch had continued, as if on queue. “These tragedies will not stop. They are ceaseless. And try as we might, until we treat the root, these wounds will also not heal.”
He paused here, giving a sigh to gather a few thoughts.
“Just because one facet of you is unable to properly fit your purposes does not mean you must throw your entire self away. If an axe won’t work, pick up a sword. If the sword doesn’t work, gather rocks to throw. If even the rocks do not work, then struggle. Struggle more and more and more, until you find a solution that finds you alive at the end of the day.” He calmly said, finishing off his message to Tofu.
“...But what if my strength isn’t what’s needed?” Tofu spoke up, letting the first thing in her mind escape her lips as her eyes stung from all the sobbing she had been doing until that point.
The Exarch chuckled and smiled.
“Your strength is always needed. Maybe…” He said, pausing for a few seconds in thought. “...you don’t need more strength. But a way to apply it.” He continued, finishing his thought.
She didn’t reply to that. She couldn’t quite understand what he meant by that. She had her axe, what else should she need? Silence filled the space for several minutes.
“I’ll take your silence as confusion or resignation.” He softly whispered as he hummed to himself in thought, the gentle steps of his footwear filling the brief silence as he contemplated a solution.
Not too long after that a small gasp of realization had escaped him, and the gentle steps turned into a footfall that disappeared as he walked away from the door, leaving Tofu in silence.
That silence went longer for her, now that she was alone once again, but she sat there at the door, awaiting his return. And sure enough, minutes go by until she can hear the familiar footsteps return and stop at her door.
“If you’re looking to make up for weakness… I have a proposition for you.” He offered, continuing his proposition. “I’ve brought back a weapon for you that I would like you to try to master. And if not master, at least gain some insight as to how it could be useful to you.” He explained as he waited a few seconds for her to reply.
“What is it?” Tofu had asked, her voice strangely calm sounding.
Another chuckle had escaped from the Exarch as he spoke up.
“You’ll have to leave your bunker to find that out. I’ll leave it here against the–” He began to explain, but as he did he was cut off by the clanging sound of her axe becoming dislodged from the doorframe and subsequently the door opening, nearly hitting him.
The light from the lanterns just outside the room lit her face and the awful state it was in into a warm picture.
She looked at the Exarch, seemingly with resolve in her eyes and stains on her cheeks, and put her hand out, looking at him with expectant resolve.
And he obliged her spirit, and instantly placed a worn wooden bow into her hand. While the exchange had lasted only a few seconds, the silence and realization had lasted what had felt like a lifetime.
The Exarch tilted his head slightly, seemingly confused at the lack of a reaction from Tofu. As he opened his mouth to ask her what the problem might be, she broke the silence and spoke up.
“I see… maybe extending my range might help me quite a bit.” She said, closing her eyes in a knowing fashion, nodding.
The Exarch smiled as he stifled a slight chuckle, glad to see she had found her own solution to this trouble plaguing her. At least, for now.
Tofu had dusted herself off a bit, and tossed the axe to the side of the door, glancing back into the room, giving a heavy sigh.
“I’ll… I’ll figure out a way to fix that. Or pay it back.” She said staring into the nearly unrecognizable room, now wrought with broken furniture and bent metal decorations.
Now the Exarch had to take a second to realize what she was saying, but this time he replied with a laugh, not bothering to stifle it.
“Do not worry about it. I can see if any of the hands in the Mean can assist with restoring the superficial damage.” He explained as she looked back to him with a calm but blank expression.
“Oh, really? Thank the Gods, then I’ll just get the last of my frustration out before I leave off–” She said, dropping the bow instantly, letting it drop to the ground as she turned around to face the entrance to the room, the door ajar.
In only a few seconds, she reeled back her right fist, and sent it flying forward into the wall next to the room.
Which was made of metal.
A deep indentation had now appeared, conjured by the frustration and sheer strength of Tofufu, the Warrior.
“--And there.” She had continued from her pause just a few seconds ago, leaving behind a reminder of what it meant for her that day to move on from all the frustration that had been plaguing her.
Needless to say the Exarch was speechless, but impressed nonetheless. He watched as Tofu calmly picked up the bow she had just as quickly dropped to express that anger and started walking past him, out towards the entrance to Lakeland.
“Don’t bother coming to get me unless you’re giving me food or more arrows to shoot.” She said as she calmly made her way past the onlooking Crystarium denizens.
And the Exarch watched as she departed, now on her journey to find herself once more, in a place where the tragedies never end.