Matill's thoughs about Maxen

Matill was thinking, no, more contemplating how she had gotten to this point. Here she lay in the arms of a sleeping and very naked Maxen, her body draped on top of his, his slow steady heartbeat just underneath her ear. She lay awake, sometimes after they had indulged her body was still racing with adrenaline, making it very hard for her to drift off.

The mage studied the other’s face, he looked peaceful like this. His usual scowl did not plastered on his face, it suited him better. Though Matill was not ashamed to admit the scowl made him appear a lot more handsome. She studied his features intently, her eyes following his jawline. Matill liked to convince herself she had stuck to Maxen because he was simply attractive and would fuck her whenever she desired so. But in moments like this she would feel her heart soar at the sight of the man, which was a lot different from them being at each other’s throats. Was she in love? It had been too long for her to even tell, she had lost the ability to love a long time ago.

She had convinced herself she had just conditioned herself to stay with Maxen, he was nice to her sometimes and would get bothered by her jabs easily, it was amusing. Lothar would always talk back, but always agreed with her. She still remembered how disappointed the other man was when he found out she was traveling with Maxen. Telling her she had surrounded herself in a cloud of smog, poisoning her until she couldn’t breathe anymore. When that day came she should find her way back to Lothar, at least that’s what he had told her.

Jealousy, it was what Matill had thought was Antivan's motive. Jealous that she had something he could never have, but was her relationship even something to be proud of? Was it something to flaunt? Two people hating each other while still being inseparable. She never thought she could deal with such toxicity, at least not again. Her relationship before Maxen was of course even more damaging, it wasn’t a game to Matill anymore with Remont. His words stinging with every curse at the woman, comparing her with the ground wouldn’t even convey how low he thought of her.

Maybe that’s why she enjoyed Maxen, perhaps she had twisted her mind into enjoying crude words. That making her feel worthless was what gave her worth, being used and thrown around during sex making her more desireable? Her mind trailed off into this corner, counting the beauty marks on her partner’s face bringing her back.

No, it was different. She still felt for the man, however socially inept he may be. Her heart still enjoyed his more tender moments, his gentle touches, how rare those may be. She could see herself marry this man, bear his children if she was even able to do so anymore. It was probably her idealistic housewife fantasies that were clouding her rational thinking. Yet she felt that being with Maxen was right, it felt very permanent.

This was it, she knew it as much as Maxen presumably did. They were stuck, no matter how in or out of love they may be. Separating now would only cause more problems. Tracing his chest with her finger, she cuddled closer, the man’s arm wrapping around her further with a long sigh. It was comfortable, she was content, for however long it may last this time.