Nothing.

If I could, I would feel his heartbeat as his body sat close to mine. I would feel his warm embrace, his tears, as they poured down his cheeks like a waterfall. I could have felt the vibrations of the cries he let out, the loud, broken sobs. My body, nonexistent, as he tried to grasp for what wasn’t there. 

“I- I can’t - no, you wouldn’t- why?” His voice was broken, as I had heard it so many times before. His entire body was shaking, trembling as he gasped for air between cries. I didn’t say anything - even if I had a mouth, what could I say?

He tried to hold me, a version of me that wasn’t there. His arms went through my form, only looping around to hug himself, as he sobbed loudly. 

I don’t understand. He was going to kill me eventually anyways. I just did the job for him. 

I stood, if this was standing - in nothingness, in the same darkness that he had been living in. He couldn’t speak; he just cried. 

Are you free now?

I paused, and shrugged. The godly creature behind me stepped forward. 

Your son hasn’t found out yet. There’s still time to undo the damage that’s been done.

I shook my head, sinking into the void beneath me. I could still hear my ex-lover crying. 

Sirius didn’t want me as his dad. I didn’t blame him. After everything - the war, the leaked files- I wasn’t a man. I was a fraud, a defiled shell of a father. I did everything to keep that boy safe - and it worked. He survived, and he would never have to feel the cold grip of the war. 

The fox pawed at my ghost.

Do you think that this will fix anything? Martyring yourself for a war that’s already been won? I can mend this, bring you back as if nothing happened at all. Are you so dedicated to death, now that you’ve learned that you still have to witness your life after it all?

It was hard to say. Part of me wondered if the god would let me go - absolve me into nothingness, free me from the chains that I tried to escape. But other parts of me knew that hoping was worth nothing at all. Sophia, and April - they were trapped here, just like I was. They had died, and yet, still were not free. 

But they wanted to stay behind, didn’t they? Sophia wanted to watch Nick, to try and protect him after her death- and April just loved seeing the pain that she had caused. I wonder how much she laughed when she saw me stand in front of that car. 

Arche was still crying, begging at this point between his tears. 

“Come back- Orion, please- don’t do this to me, don’t leave me…”

I felt nothing as I looked back at him, an emptiness in my heart. I didn’t expect him to be this upset; if anything, I expected him to be overjoyed. 

I won’t do this without your agreement, Orion. But just know that if you refuse, you will remain this way forever. You won’t be able to move on. You will be trapped here.

Maybe it’s what I deserved, then. 

I sat down, tucking my knees to my chest like a child would. If I had any tears left to cry, I’m sure I’d be using them right about now. 

I remember it all- the pain, the constant anxiety of having to watch Arche’s children die, knowing that Sirius could be next. The hands, prying at my mouth and eyes, holding me down and beating me over and over again for their own pleasure. The shame, knowing that if anybody found out that I allowed this to happen to myself, I would never be treated with respect again. The guilt, knowing that my wife died while I was cheating on her with men behind her back. 

This thing… It could hear my silent rambles, and see into my head. It listened- it always did- and I could feel it pity me. 

Leave me here. I have nothing to live for. 

Nothing?

Nothing. 

Your son will be an orphan.

 

He’s been an orphan since the war started. 

I can free your mind of memories, of guilt. I can restore you to what you used to be.

I don’t deserve it. 

Your strength saved millions.

My weakness killed many more. 

If you had let Arche give in to his mind, every member of the resistance would have died. Every man, woman, and child. You saved them.

I delayed their deaths. Everyone is committing suicide. I am not special. 

You are special to many. When Sirius comes home and sees you on the news, what will he do?

He will survive without me, like he always has.

How do you know that he won’t take his life to be with you and his mother?

He’s stronger than I am. 

He’s only as strong as he has to be, Orion.

Fuck. They got me there. What should I say? I don’t want to go back, to face my son or the public ever again. To remember those hands, prying at every bit of my body and forcing me into submission. The haunting reminder that the only reason Sirius survived was because I looked enough like him to keep Dr. Kierce happy. 

I don’t want to feel in my body ever again. The aching, the blindness that had only been made worse by being hit over and over again. The shakiness of my legs, the paleness of my skin. I didn’t want to be alive. 

I don’t want to be alive. 

“Please bring him back,” Arche sobbed. 

“Please- I’ll do anything- I’ll change, I’ll fix the world, fix the rift technology-“

I’m afraid that this isn’t your choice to make, Doctor.

“You don’t understand- I need him-“

He needs to decide for himself if he wants to come back.

“IT’S SELFISH! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE - I DON’T CARE THAT IT’S HIS CHOICE! I DIDN’T GET TO CHOOSE WHETHER HE KILLED HIMSELF OR NOT! HIS SON DIDN’T GET TO CHOOSE! WHY IS IT ONLY ABOUT HIM?! WHY ISN’T IT ABOUT WHO HE’S LEAVING BEHIND?!”

The fox stopped in its tracks, staring down at the man who had just screamed at him. Arche held his ground, tears streaming down his face, his fists clenched. 

I never thought he would care this much. 

“I HAVE LOST EVERYTHING, DO YOU HEAR ME?! EVERYTHING! MY CHILDREN, MY WIFE, MY SANITY AND DIGNITY- AND YOU THINK I’LL LET ANYONE TAKE HIM AWAY, LIKE THE OTHERS WERE STOLEN FROM ME?! I HAVE NOTHING! FUCKING NOTHING!”

… Why were his words hurting me?

You can rebuild what you lost, Arche.

“I DON’T WANT TO REBUILD! I WANT YOU TO GIVE HIM BACK! I WANT YOU TO STOP ACTING LIKE YOU UNDERSTAND HOW THIS FEELS!”

I looked away, guilt overwhelming my entire being. I didn’t think anyone would really care at all - much less Arche of all people. 

Fine. Bring me back. 

.

..

Ouch. Jesus fuck, that hurt. 

I was lying on asphalt, my entire body aching. I could feel blood leaking out of my head and onto the ground, people rushing over to me. 

Someone lifted me up, wrapping something around my head. Another person panicked, trying to get me to talk to them, to look at them. I stared off into space instead. 

I could hear sirens approaching, as I let out a deep sigh. I was back again, living the same miserable life that I had tried to escape. 

Maybe after I got out of the hospital, I could check in with Arche.