if you've found your holy grail,

EMBERGAZE

It was time. Embergaze had known that she needed to do this – had known that it would need to happen someday. She had put it off; pretended it wasn’t real. It was easier that way, probably.

Of course, now that she’d run out of time to stall for, it became very, very hard.

The mottled she-cat had spoken to each of her children in turn, with varying degrees of success; Baypaw had been suspicious, and Guppypaw confused. She had hoped to imply that she was just going for a walk, and felt sick to her stomach for it; what if she died? Probably it was possible, probably if she did she would do exactly what mum had-

Embergaze squeezed her eyes shut, flexing her claws nervously into the earth beneath her. She wouldn’t think about it; probably it was over, and probably it would be okay. Things usually were.
This though, probably was not going to be okay.

When had life gotten so complicated? What happened to the sunny days spent bounding through the territory, telling grand stories of her mum’s past and imagining what stories she may find for herself?
Had her mum been so afraid when her stories happened too? Had she felt sick when she left Embergaze in that bush, promising to return one day?

She exhaled through her mouth, opening her eyes and stepping quietly into the warriors’ den. With practiced ease she found Daffodilcatcher’s form, and approached her quietly. How could she do this? She was leaving her mate alone – hadn’t she promised they would go together one day? Embergaze swallowed the lump in her throat; she had to go now, and Daffodilcatcher had an apprentice – and children. Guppypaw and Baypaw needed someone – even if that person wouldn’t be Embergaze.

”Daffodilcatcher?” She meowed in a voice so soft it hurt, and she placed a gentle paw on her mate’s shoulder. ”Can we go by the lake and talk, maybe?”

DAFFODILCATCHER

Daffodilcatcher has been merrily going about her day-today business. She's carefree, she feels weightless. The kits were apprentices, they had mentors to look after them, and Morningpaw was simple enough to train. It was easy to instruct her. She was happy with her as an apprentice, although she wouldn't say satisfied. She almost wished she had a more eager apprentice, one more challenging, Daffodil wasn't lazy, per-say, but she wasn't ambitious either, so...

She is ignorant to the war in Embergaze's mind as she wonders where her mate is, and if she's doing okay today, maybe she should get out of her nest for the day. She seems to be in luck as a familiar scent washes over her, bathing her in a warm glow that wins over the below freezing temperatures outside. She beams at Embergaze at first, and then her stomach drops. What was wrong? Something was wrong. Daffodilcatcher stands swiftly, parroting her mate, "Ems?" She asks worriedly.

It's difficult to see Embergaze because of the way she's silhouetted by the blue light filtering through the den entrance. She can barely make out the pinch of her brows and the slight downward slope of her mouth. Daffodilcatcher nods hesitantly, "Yeah, y-yeah... sure thing, Ems." She smiles reassuringly. Maybe Embergaze had a bad day, maybe she needed to finally talk about the bad things they... talked about before. The sourness of anxiety and tartness of fear boil in her belly, leaving a bitter taste on her tongue. She didn't know if she was ready, maybe she didn't need to say anything, and just let Embergaze talk. Daffodilcatcher was hoping for the best as she gestured for her mate to lead the way.

EMBERGAZE

Embergaze’s belly twisted at her mate’s uncertain voice. She knew - Daffodilcatcher knew that something terrible was about to happen, and Embergaze couldn’t even tell her that it wasn’t true, because it was, wasn’t it? And actually, it had even been her choice, too.

The mottled warrior offered a faint smile towards Daffodilcatcher, then mutely led her towards the camp lake. It was frozen over, and a sickening sensation settled in her stomach; she was going to leave in this weather. Maybe Daffodilcatcher would try to stop her - probably she should. But the thought of spending another leafbare in MonarchClan, surrounded by death and mourning?

Embergaze squeezed her eyes shut, paws trembling as she settled by the water’s edge. Like a broken reflection, she and Daffodilcatcher were at the lake’s edge, and probably they were going to talk.

A broken reflection though, definitely. Because Embergaze knew the words she had to offer Daffodilcatcher were not the sweet promises of a young and bright heart - they were the admittance of a lie. (edited)

Embergaze sat at the frozen edge in silence for an uncomfortable amount of time, feeling the hard, chilled ground eat at her paws uncomfortably. An aching part of her wanted to turn to Daffodilcatcher with a bright grin and suggest they try to balance on the ice, maybe -

”I have to go.”

Embergaze heard her own words leave her mouth, her heart stuttering as she stumbled over them. She blinked, shutting her jaw and swallowing before turning her head to face her mate, although she didn’t want to.
She didn’t want to see the hurt, the fear in Daffodilcatcher’s eyes. But probably she had to, right? She had promised her mate that someday they could go on an adventure together, and now she was telling her something else entirely.

Embergaze swallowed again, then spoke quickly, hoping that maybe probably if she explained it right-
”My mum- she never came back, and probably she’s still out there- or, maybe she’s hurt? But I have to go.”

It didn’t make sense, not even to Embergaze. The timing was wrong - she knew she should just wait. But everything felt wrong here; Guppypaw’s sad eyes, and Baypaw’s solemn silence along with Daffodilcatcher’s nervousness? It was wrong, and Embergaze didn’t know how to fix it; she was afraid.

”Proba-definitely I will come back, though.” She tried, whole body numb; why was this so hard? Maybe she should have just left.

Embergaze felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, and a thick lump building in her throat; it would have been wrong. Probably it still was wrong.

Probably though she had to, same as the stars had to fade with the sunrise, even as she wished they didn’t.

DAFFODILCATCHER

Daffodilcatcher stared after Embergaze with a worried stare. She began to wrack her brain for every possible outcome for this excursion, this talk. She couldn't imagine it was that bad. But then again... She'd never seen Ember look so somber. The quiet shadow of a cloud blocked the sun and shaded the land as they walked in tandem silence.

She wanted so badly to burst into conversation. She wanted to talk about her day, and how she saw Baypaw making friends, but she hadn't seen a lot of Guppypaw. A lie, she saw plenty of her daughter, she just chose not to acknowledge her. It was like she was swimming in freezing waters whenever her daughter was near. All right-ness left her. She was cold and ruthless. Her ears fell against her head.

She was a whiskers length from running into Embergaze's side, her mouth hanging open to question her mate when she realizing with growing embarrassment that it was her who wasn't paying attention. Daffodilcatcher was so lost. What was happening? Dread creeped up her throat and became a nibbling parasite on the back of her tongue.


Her wide eyes narrowed. What? "What?" She snapped, go? Go where, "Go...? Have to go?" She questioned. Her tone was initially flat, devoid of opinion until the dry tinder of her dread was set ablaze. Horror ripped through her.

Embergaze refused to meet her eyes, so in an act of spite she took it upon herself to stare at the frozen lake. That proved to be a mistake when she caught sight of her miserable expression in the frozen waters, the intense emotion reflected in the ice wasn't good. She saw her. She saw the cat that lashed out at her cousin, Daphnepath, she saw the return of viciousness.

The crinkle of her nose remained and her ears twitched as Embergaze continued to talk. She leafed through the excuses to leave with Embergaze and the reasons to stay. Her mothers? No. Her sister? Her brother? Her children? Daffodilcatcher moved her focus in a slow, continuous drag across the snow. She trained her gaze on the ground in front of Embergaze.

"We have... somethin' good here, Ems, how.. could you wanna give that up for your ma?" She wanted to hiss, but she restrained herself. She didn't respect Embergaze's mother anymore than she respected herself, she saw a familiar cowardice in Riona as she saw in herself. She'd do the same thing to her kits, and she hated herself for it, but she would. "It's- leaf-bare, Ems, can't you jus'- hold off? Come on, I mean, y'know it's too cold to- Like, you could not come back 'cause it's so cold- An'... an' what about me? Don't you wanna stay for me?"

Daffodilcatcher wouldn't stay for her, either, she realizes, but she shoved that thought away. She had to convince Ember to stay, she had to hope their love was enough. She had to find the right thing to say. "Don't you wanna stay for me?" She repeated helplessly.

EMBERGAZE

Daffodilcatcher’s fear seeped into Embergaze’s own bones, the silence palpable as they walked side-by-side. Embergaze hated this - she hated the pervasive sensation that she could not shake; the feeling that this would be the last time they walked to the lake together.

Because it wasn’t true, probably. Because actually, even when she left, she would come back - and then maybe things could be okay again. Maybe Guppypaw would smile brightly, the way Embergaze remembered her as a kit, and maybe Baypaw would ask her to tell a story about it.

Probably though, that wasn’t what was going to happen. She would never come home to this life the way it had been - something broke, and Embergaze didn’t know what it was. Was it her, maybe? Because she had been a mentor, been so absent? Probably that didn’t help, at least.

Daffodilcatcher’s voice was as sharp as Embergaze had ever heard it when she responded to her quickly fumbled admittance, and the mottled warrior flinched. Probably it made sense that she was surprised, or upset - this was different from her being a mentor, wasn’t it?

Embergaze saw the both of them reflected on the frozen surface, stars scattered above them like dozens of small wounds. She didn’t mean to fix her gaze on Daffodilcatcher’s wretched expression, and she wished she hadn’t. How could she do this, she wondered. How could she inflict such misery on the face of the cat she loved first?

Because she had to.

Because everything else was broken, probably. And there wasn’t anything left to do.

Could she just hold off? Embergaze had been steeling herself for that question. She’d know Daffodilcatcher would ask it, because she’d asked it herself too - probably it would make sense if she just waited for leafbare to pass, right?

And Daffodilcatcher’s final question hit Embergaze like so much sharp pressure on her chest. She wanted to stay for her, it ached- it ached she wanted to stay in that moment. But the moment would pass, and she knew she had to go.

“Probably-” She started, then swallowed, shifting her paws on the cold ground beneath them. Daffodilcatcher was right to worry - what if she froze out there, like Skipperstep had done? That terrified her, because it would make her her mum, wouldn’t it? She would have left her family with promises of return, only to die in the frigid cold of leafbare. Maybe they would find her body, and bring her back to the herbalists’ den to mourn over.

“Probably I have to go now.” She mewed, voice soft as a whisper. Her eyes were trained on the reflection of Daffodilcatcher, though she wanted nothing more than to tear herself away quickly. She did not want to see the pain she would leave behind - probably that made it a lot harder, didn’t it?

She couldn’t respond to Daffodilcatcher’s plea. It hurt worse than any scrape or cut Embergaze had felt before - it hurt worse than Shrikefrost’s quick cut of her from his life, worse than the slow heavy burden of knowing Riona would never come back for her.

It hurt because it was her fault.

“I think-” She flattened her ears against her head, struggling to find the right words. There wasn’t a right answer here - the only thing she could do to make this better would be to say she wouldn’t go, and she couldn’t do that. She had to go.
“I think I’ve needed to do this for a long time, actually, and now that Cashewfur’s a warrior, I-”  
It was so much harder to say than she’d thought it would be.
“I need to go now, in case I don’t do it ever.”

That didn’t make sense. She knew that didn’t make sense, but she didn’t know how to make Daffodilcatcher understand. If she didn’t do it now, she might never go - or worse, she might be too late. Mums didn’t live forever, and while Embergaze tried not to think too hard about it, the idea that Riona might not have come back because she couldn’t was...pretty hard to shake.

“Probably if I go now though, I’ll be back sooner, I think.” She tried, feeling helpless.
“I love you, and our kits, and I will come back because I have to, and because I need to, and because I want to.”
She felt as though she were across the lake as she spoke, as though she were a star looking down upon them with grief in her heart.

Because actually, how else could she even do this? Her best friend- her mate was pleading with her to stay, and she only kept saying she had to go.

Embergaze never would have imagined herself as such an unkind person, and yet she heard her voice say it now.

“I’m sorry, Daffodilcatcher.”

DAFFODILCATCHER

Daffodilcatcher’s mind raced. She could swear, with her paw planted over her heart, that she visioned all of the things her and Embergaze had yet to do together. They sparred, but they could spar more. They walked together, but they could walk more. She… she could discover what a lifetime of love could be like. She had it, right here, with her green irises submerged in Embergaze’s cyan focus. If Embergaze died, they couldn’t bury her, like they couldn’t bury Softsong. She’d be lost to the wilds, and all of the promises they made? Broken. The sadness fermented into an acidic resentment in her chest, it bubbled and popped, fear for Ember’s life began to branch towards worry for what this could change in them. In the best of scenarios, what would they leave behind to pick up where they left off?

In her musings about what-could-be and what-won’t-be, she failed to realize why Embergaze really was leaving. Her daughter didn’t smile, and her son looked on the verge of tears whenever he looked at either of them. They were kits, and they were unhappy. Daffodilcatcher  wondered why Embergaze couldn’t put her and her first. This felt like the end of all things. Would Tigertail feel like this if Pearwhisper changed her mind, or had some… great quest to follow?

Would Pearwhisper ever do that? No. Neither would Daffodilcatcher, or Lavenderfang. Their roots were here. Her family tree was proud and tall and here, in MonarchClan, while Embergaze’s tree was somewhere else.

The worst thing about it all is Daffodilcatcher can’t blame her mate for wanting to find her family. She can’t. No matter how impossible it is for her to ignore the swelling mass of frustration in her stomach, she knows the blame is in herself, for making it less appealing to stay than to leave. Daffodilcatcher’s vision swam when Embergaze met her eyes. She quickly turned her head away when her mate’s expression twisted into something gruesome upon finding the misery in her’s.

There was a blue wash of light as a cloud passed over the moon and while it illuminated them both, it revealed the endless blanket of stars above. She struggled to conjure words. Her eyes refused to swallow her tears, they remained sitting on the surface and blurrily mirroring the blinking balls of light glued to the sky. Daffodilcatcher wanted to cry and howl and scream. She had it in her. She could feel the energy building deep within her, the power mounted and climbed to a higher level the longer silence pervaded the space between her and Embergaze.

She was reminded of her mother’s faith as she stared pleadingly into the sky. She clenched her jaw, teeth pressed so tightly together they made a faint creaking noise. Was Clearsong staring at her, judging her? Her grandmother had been haughty, and she had scared Daffodil once when her gaze had been so strong- sharper than anything she had encountered before. But then her expression had softened with a smile and she felt like she could smile back. She had been a precious, little life then. Now she was an adult, she was a warrior, and she was sitting with her mate, soon-to-be-not? And they were… splitting. Embergaze was leaving.

StarClan wouldn’t hold their breath for her, Daffodilcatcher knew. She was a lot like Pearwhisper, she knew. She didn’t have faith in the stars, and she didn’t have faith in the dead. But maybe she didn’t know that about her mother, or maybe, at the very least, she used to know. She barely knew her mothers anymore, so she shouldn’t assume, yet she did. Because if Embergaze could have hope that Riona had yet to abandon her, then she could assume her mothers stared at the stars and saw different worlds.

The pools of tears collected in her eyes turned the lights in the sky into fuzzy ringlets. Embergaze’s words fell on her fallen ears. They were truthful. Or they were some semblance of the truth. She grit her teeth at the sound of Embergaze shuffling her paws against the snow.

Daffodilcatcher thought it was almost too domestic, she was irritated by the small noise when her mate’s broken voice inspired hopelessness in her heart. Her confidence in Embergaze’s inevitable death was steadily growing. She bitterly accepts the fact that this is the only recent circumstance she can apply the word ‘confident’ to herself.

Her mind begins cycling through all of the cats Embergaze would leave behind and although she pictured herself at the forefront of that picture, it was a lot like Softsong’s death. Despite the finality of her aunt’s demise, the clan still waded through grief’s ripple effect. She found the waves crushing sometimes. Somehow her own brother had stirred less of a disturbance than Softsong did. Daffodilcatcher feels sick to her stomach.

She turns way again and averts her gaze if Embergaze tries to search for it. She won’t allow her mate to snare her in the warm embrace of her focus. She fears she’ll find forgiveness inside herself. Daffodilcatcher can feel the bile snaking up her throat, she can’t let it spill, she can’t expel the feeling or the contents of her stomach and admit she is ill with the thought of being bereft of her mate’s morning breath, or the crinkle of her nose when she smiles, or the earthy scent of her after a long patrol.

In the grand scheme of things, like life and death, considering a life without Embergaze is a death sentence. Her words echo in the emptiness of her skull. ’I need to go now, in case I don’t do it ever.’

Daffodilcatcher, with her head still turned away from her mate, finally finds words, not the right words, but some words to say to her mate as she sniffs for hope in the rubble of their collapse. ”Sooner a corpse, maybe,” She whispers sharply, ”You wanna leave, and you wanna come back, and… and Ems, you-” She grits her teeth with her tongue pinched between.

A gush of coppery, hot liquid slithers along her tongue, she lets the spit dribble against her chin, afraid that if she swallows it might not stay down. She straightens her spine and stares at the vastness of the frozen dip. She remembers when it was full to the brim, nearly bursting, and threatening the clan with doom. Although it’s frozen, it’s still water, and she can imagine her grief as part of the flood that overtakes MonarchClan when Embergaze disappears before the dawn breaks. ”You ain’t sorry, and I’m- I’m not either, Ems, you’re- leavin’cause you wanna and there’s not much more to it than that, huh!” She begins to feel that boiling anger rise in her and she lets it simmer before she starts to speak again. The silence is crushing.

”I get it, I… wouldn’t wanna stay either if my ma was out there, but I guess that’s a little different, huh.” She scoffs and buries her focus farther away from Embergaze, “I love you, too, an’ whatever, an’... an’ it’s- if you come back, I still will, I think. Even if you’re leavin’ to leave.” She hisses quietly into the air.

Daffodilcatcher wishes she could go with Embergaze, she wants to, but the prospect is daunting, and she doesn’t even dare hold her mate to the promise they made so long ago. Maybe she lied, she’s too scared, and she’ll always be too scared to actually leave her home behind. She discovers in the quietness that follows that thought, she’s even more terrified that maybe Embergaze will find Riona and will never come back because she found her home, and Daffodilcatcher never was her home.

EMBERGAZE

The world was vast, and in it Embergaze felt a crushing sense of hopelessness. As though the endless expanse of life itself had settled into a pinprick to crush her alone.

But probably it wasn’t. Probably it was just this - just Daffodilcatcher’s wretched expression and the knowledge that she had been the one to put it there.
They had promised once, that they would be the best they could to each other.

Was she breaking that promise now? Embergaze felt a sick, twisting knot in her belly; she was. The grief on her mate’s face - on her best friend’s face - was heavy, and inconsolable, and she had caused it.

The best they could be for each other.

She wouldn’t meet her eyes, wouldn’t share in her grief with her - she cut Embergaze out, and Embergaze felt the sting of rejection mingle with the weight of knowing Daffodilcatcher was right to do so.

The stars bathed them in a pale light, beautiful, and twisted in this moment; how could Daffodilcatcher be so elegant, so graceful and splendid even as she fell apart? It felt unfair, that the world would take this moment now and use it to flaunt the grace inherent in Daffodilcatcher. Even as she broke, even as she crumbled, she was beautiful. Beautiful in the same way ice fragmented by thaw was; graceful as it fell apart.

Embergaze squeezed her eyes shut. That wasn’t fair; she shouldn’t look at a cat like that, not when she had just hurt them. It was wrong, probably - definitely, actually. She flattened her ears against her skull, and tore her gaze away before Daffodilcatcher’s words hit her like a stone.

She was leaving because she wanted to, and that was that.

And she was right.

Embergaze’s eyes grew wide, she desperately wanted to disagree - she didn’t want to go, she didn’t want to leave her family.  But she couldn’t say that - she couldn’t lie anymore than she already had, with broken promises surrounding them like so many shards of ice. Embergaze’s paws felt like stones, and she shook her head numbly.

“I-”

Her tongue didn’t work. It felt wet and heavy in her mouth, and it wouldn’t move the way she wanted it to.

Even if it would though, what would she say? What could she say? Daffodilcatcher’s words pierced her, and she felt like a stunned mouse. She was leaving because she wanted to, and that wasn’t fair.

She would still love her if she came back, she thought. Embergaze couldn’t see her, and she realizes a heartbeat later that her eyes have swum with tears she couldn’t seem to blink away.

Mutely, she stood, shaking her head faintly in the direction of Daffodilcatcher. She wanted to tell her that it wasn’t because she wanted to - she had to. She’d said as much, hadn’t she? Did Daffodilcatcher not hear her, or not believe her?

She couldn’t find it in her to blame her mate in either case. She had lied, probably, and Daffodilcatcher had been right, definitely. She wanted to leave, and that was that.

“I am sorry.” She managed thickly around the lump in her throat, her voice shaky and deeper than normal as she struggled to let the words free. Daffodilcatcher wouldn’t believe her, probably; and she couldn’t blame her either. Embergaze had done plenty here that had become lies - probably this wasn’t any different, was it? She swallowed, eyes wide as she tried to make out Daffodilcatcher’s form through her tear-blurred vision.

“I’m going to come back though, and probably when I do, you don’t have to talk to me I think. Shrikefrost doesn’t, and Daphnepath doesn’t either, probably. So I think, if you hate me, probably that would be okay.”

She didn’t want to say what she said - it felt thick in her mouth and heavy on her tongue. She was afraid, and a selfish part of her wanted Daffodilcatcher to assure her that she wouldn’t hate her.

But that wasn’t fair, actually, and probably it wasn’t true either; Embergaze had lied, and everything was broken now. And if Daffodilcatcher hated her, it was her own fault.  The mottled she-cat tucked her chin close to her chest, swallowing thickly through the lump in her throat. She wanted to sob, but knew that probably she couldn’t - probably she would wake someone up, or maybe it would be more real. She didn’t know.

Embergaze swayed in place, silent for a moment as she tried to push herself into motion. It was cold, Daffodilcatcher was right.

Sooner a corpse, probably.

She swallowed again, blinking freezing tears from her eyes. She wanted to promise her safety - would that be a comfort to Daffodilcatcher though? Embergaze didn’t think it would be. She had lied about plenty else, and she knew she would be lying about this. She couldn’t promise she wouldn’t die - though she knew she would try very, very hard not to.

Embergaze’s stomach twisted. She didn’t want to become Riona for her kits; they deserved better.

So why was she leaving?

Embergaze didn’t have an answer, and she stumbled a step backwards as she tried to gather the momentum to leave. “I will think of you every day, Daffodilcatcher.” She uttered, voice husky from fear and cold.

She tore her gaze away from Daffodilcatcher, swallowing as she moved her paws (heavy as stones) to turn herself away from her mate, misery carrying her away from her home one slow pawstep at a time. She would be back.

Probably she had to be.

DAFFODILCATCHER

Daffodilcatcher was trapped, she concluded after a grim moment of contemplation. She was chained by obligations to her Clan, her family, her mate, herself- none of which she upheld in their presence, and shunned vehemently. She would be without obligation to her mate and despite having failed previously, somehow doing without left her hollow. Her innards felt scooped out and dumped in the frozen lake. She was gutted by her loss and the guilt for having been part of the cause, part of the terrible reason why Embergaze spoke with a choked and broken voice. Her accent was once warm and comforting, now all Daffodilcatcher can do is pin her ears and hope to expunge the fuzzy feeling in her head.

Her and her mate were surrounded by what could be considered a winter wonderland. The young, fresh warrior Daffodilcatcher once was would have brawled to the death to prove that there was beauty in dead flowers and skeletal trees and cold paws. She betrayed her extended family for her ideals. It was all for not, she is forlorn to realize, Daphne was right. There was little to like about frozen paths that burned a cat’s paw-pads or withered, brown flowers.

Daffodilpaw had cried frosty tears and ruminated in how wretched she felt but her mate, then friend, had shown her better. Embergaze had guided her to think differently. Embergaze had taught her that she could feel good because they were good together, and Daffodilpaw believed her. She believed her. Wholeheartedly. There was little to like about a frozen lake, too, she lamented.

At the present, sitting where they once sat, together, where they joined their hearts as best friends and promised to acknowledge one another, prove to each other they mattered more than silly sisters or bitter cousins or absent moms, Daffodilcatcher stared into the night sky with a grimace, her brow tightly pinched together in an effort to conceal her tears.

She wished they could go back to just minutes ago. When they were walking through the territory and Daffodilcatcher, although worried, was assured that nothing could ever break them. She was enjoying the scenery, she could hear the distant birdsong of a cardinal, calling for a mate, maybe, and her heart had sung when she looked ahead and saw the weave of Embergaze’s shoulders. She had put some pep in her step. The image blurs and she is harshly reminded that it only took a blink for her entire perception to change when she saw how dismal Ember’s expression had been. It was more tense than the young she-cat had ever seen her mate.

Daffodilcatcher argues with herself. She convinces her desire to run and hide away to step aside. She will sit, rigid and unmoving, with Embergaze viewing the back of her head, the unpleasant backwards slant of her ears. Maybe her mate can see the tears gathered at the corner of her eyes, or maybe she took an educated guess and that’s why she’s apologizing. A strained heave exits her body as she resists, she fights the instinct to cry.

She can’t stand this. This was just like when Clearsong died. They were dying. They, we, us was going to be no longer. Daffodilcatcher could hear the crunch of the snow, her ear twitches and her chin falls against her chest. Her tears fall and melt the white powder, a large cloud of fog rolls from her parted jaws. Embergaze was walking away from her, and still talking, lying like Daffodilcatcher had lied. She couldn’t hold it against her, she wouldn’t. She was part of the problem, she knew it, she knew there was a ball of mold, of rot deep within herself, festering and burgeoning into something formidable. Something that would destroy her if she succumbed to it.

Embergaze’s voice is barely recognizable. Daffodilcatcher is experiencing firsts she never wanted to with her mate. She never wanted to be the cause of her grief. She wanted to be her reason to smile, for her to cheer her name and look at her like she hung the sun. She starts to questions herself, then, did she do that for Embergaze? Did she make her mate feel like she was the only one? Did she make her flame, her breath of fresh air, her Stars, her morning dew, her everything... Did- Did she make her feel like she was perfect?

Daffodilcatcher dares to turn her head only when she hears Embergaze’s retreating paw-steps. She waits for her mate. She waited until there’s enough distance that she couldn’t jump and close it. She gazes after her leaving mate with watery, dull green optics with a twisted mouth.

”D-don’t turn ‘round, Ems, I can’t- I can’t do it. I jus’... jus’... don’t- don’t go thinkin’ I hate you. I was always goin’ to lose you once, I jus’...” She leaves it unsaid, all of her fears, they are unbidden in her mind yet caged behind her tongue and teeth. She won’t say how if Ember dies she’ll have grieved for her twice over, or maybe she never would, because how could she know?

She won’t say how not being able to visit a grave with her body in it will leave her harrowed for the remainder of her life.

She won’t say how she hopes beyond hope that Embergaze comes back. Instead she’ll blink and let her salty tears fall in spite of the fact they sting, ”Go, an’... an’ go, Ems. I’ll- I’ll miss you.” Daffodilcatcher’s voice would grow too quiet to hear.

”I’ll miss you every single day, Ems.” Maybe she would make good on one of her promises. Or maybe she wouldn’t. She can’t tell what she’ll do anymore. Daffodilcatcher rises to her paws and prepares the snail-crawl back to camp, her muscles are stiff from the tension and the cold. She prays for the second time in her life that Embergaze finds somewhere warm to sleep when returns to camp and collapses in the empty nest she would have to get used to not sharing.