So, hey...

Mo Xuanyu leaned back against the wall behind him, trying to fight the headache that had been building all morning. It was getting to the point where he wished he could just find somewhere quiet and dark to lay down. He could go to the Jin healers for help, he knew that, but he was pretty sure that what was causing it wasn't something they could treat.

Or. Well. They might be able to treat it, but they would probably refuse and then tell everyone and then he was going to get kicked out or imprisoned or banished before being handed over to the Jiang sect leader to take care of…

He forced himself to take a deep breath.

“Jin Guangyao said it would be all right,” he repeated to himself. It was his mantra. He couldn’t be kicked out. If his own half-brother - the new sect leader - said that it was all right, it would be…wouldn’t it?

But even if Yao-ge was trying to protect him, if anyone caught a whiff of resentment about him - even a hint of demonic cultivation - the Jin Elders might not leave him with any choice. Or not tell him at all before they took action. Mo Xuanyu had always thought that they didn’t like him, and would prefer he disappear. Having an excuse like that to get rid of him? That would be the best gift he could ever give them.

He rubbed his forehead and pondered trying to head back to his rooms.

But he had promisedhis brother he would be here for the beginning of this Cultivation Conference. He wasn’t exactly sure why it was important he be here, other than something to do with those same Elders, but he’d agreed.

He just felt…jumpy. Closed in. Like someone was going to look at him and just see something that showed what he had been doing, or something that made them suspicious. Everytime someone’s gaze lingered on him for longer than a moment he half expected them to call out an alarm, even though he was being careful. The entire morning helping set up for the arriving sects had all his nerves on edge. At least everyone seemed to be ignoring him at the moment.

For once he was grateful for it.

He ran a hand down his face wondering how it had come to this.

It had just seemed so reasonable when Yao-Ge had first proposed the idea. We need to understand the Yiling Patriarch’s methods so we know how to counter them next time, he remembered his half-brother saying urgently, before one of his disciples becomes a real threat. Unfortunately in order to do that, we need someone who’s willing to use those methods as well.

He had heaved a sigh then, I hate to condemn someone to that kind of life, but it’s needful for the good of everyone else. The practice is risky to your mind, body, and your Golden Core. Xuanyu, I hate to ask this of you when you’ve just formed your own Core…

He had agreed of course - he knew what Jin Gangyao wasn’t saying. That because his core was still small, because he had started so late that he would never really amount to much as a cultivator it wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice.

Besides, this way maybe he could actually do something. Get some sort of power so he didn’t have to listen to the sneering comments about being useless from some of the other Jins from behind his back. Even the ones that everyone else would whisper about being less talented sneered at him, just because they weren’t bastards and had been training longer than he had. That wasn’t something he could overcome just by trying.

Of course, since he couldn’t actually tell anyone what he was doing, nothing had actually changed, and he was beginning to think he wasn’t that good at this whole demonic cultivation thing either. Or at least even Jin Guangyao was starting to get a little disappointed, and Mo Xuanyu didn’t know how to explain to him that he was doing the best he could! He’d been given some notes from the Yiling Patriarch himself, but it wasn’t his fault that for some reason the man never seemed to write much about his Stygian Tiger Amulet! At least not in the notes they currently had. Most of it was about his other inventions, or about how to cleanse resentful energy from land to make it arable again. A lot of it was fascinating, but apparently not what he was supposed to be finding.

Xue Chengmei kept saying they should experiment more to make sense of what they did have, but some of what he was suggesting seemed so….extreme. He didn’t think they would have to go that far.

We’ll just have to figure out something, he thought dazedly, before he convinces Yao-ge it has to be done.

More and more cultivators were finally arriving, making the noise level rise and his head pound. At least soon the actual conference would be starting, and then he would have something to do, even if it was only taking notes or carrying…

“There you are!” the deep voice cut through his thoughts. He looked up slowly, wondering which Jin cousin was going to be yelling at him this time.

Then he just froze.

That hadn’t been one of the Jin cousins.

He almost wished it had been.

At least he would know how to deal with them.

“Nie Weiqiang...” he managed to stammer out as he looked up at the other man, “what are you doing here?” He’d been so out of it that he hadn’t even realized the Nie Sect delegation had arrived, but he could see them behind Nie Weiqiang now, with Sect Leader Nie already throwing himself into Yao-Ge’s arms wailing about something. Weiqiang himself looked as he always did - slightly taller than him, handsome, with his long hair held back a golden guan and his saber on his back.

“I’m here for the conference?” Nie Weiqiang said, drawing his attention back to the conversation. The other man crossed his arms, “I know I wrote you that I would be here, and I sent that letter weeks ago.”

“Oh. Right.” Mo Xuanyu thought guilty of the letters that were probably sitting on the desk next to his bed. It made him less guilty not opening them, because if he read them he would feel that urge to reply to them.

“Did you even get it?” Weiqiang was frowning now, “Or are the rest of the Jin messin’ with you again?” he glanced over at someone else in the golden sect robes, and looked for a moment like he was going to walk right over to confront him about this imagined slight.

“What? No!” Mo Xuanyu said quickly waving his hands in denial, “I did get it really! I’ve just been…busy,” he finished lamely as Weiqiang looked back at him. It felt heavy, being under his gaze like this, and his stomach twisted in guilt.

“Busy?”

“Busy,” he repeated because his mind was blank on anything, “I’ve had a……project I’ve been working on, it’s been hard to get away from.”

“Oh?” Weiqiang relaxed his arms and actually perked up at that, “what, you’re finally getting to that array thing you were talking about?”

“No,” he said quickly, quietly cursing at himself.

This. This was what he had been afraid of if he ran into Weiqiang again. That he might just reveal a lot more than he really meant too.

See, most people tended to not pay too much attention to him, unless it was to sneer at him or look down at him

Weiqiang was the opposite though. Weiqiang noticed him, and had since the first moment they had met. He wasn’t doing it because he had to either - the Nie did need a closer connection to the Jin after all. The taller man had just…apparently decided they were friends when they were teenagers. Mo Xuanyu still wasn’t sure why and he’d been just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Weiqiang to start demanding things. In the few years they’ve known each other he really…hadn’t. After a while it had made him start dropping his guard around him and just started being honest in the letters they would send each other.

That was why he had stopped responding, stopped trying to see him - because he was afraid if he did, then Weiqiang would notice something. He always remembered things, even small things and wasn’t afraid to say something about them.

“Then you came up with something new?” Nie Weiqiang said, “You didn’t say anything!” He sounded almost like he was pouting about it, but was too proud to show it, “you haven’t written anything in…months.” Nearly a year probably at this point, but he wasn’t going to argue. “Sorry,” he repeated, “busy, like I said. I’m working on something for Sect Leader Jin.”

Nie Weiqing's eyes widened at that and then he grinned, “See? I knew he would acknowledge you eventually! You just had to work at it, I told you!”

Mo Xuanyu could only swallow and nod mutely at that. He knew that the other man thought he’d impressed Yao-ge with his cultivation. Before…everything, that had been what he’d been hoping to do, before he realized how useless it would be to try.

Weiqiang, for whatever reason, had never seemed to believe that and he had never been sure why. Xuanyu remembered the many times the Nie cultivator had sent him letters with suggestions or dragged him out to do something that might help him strengthen his golden core - like it was a foregone conclusion that it would happen. Maybe he wanted to take credit for helping him improve - but at least it meant he knew what Mo Xuanyu’s cultivation was like.

Which meant he was the one person that was most likely to notice anything was off and he was standing right here.

“What does he have you working on? Something to do with the watchtowers?” Weiqiang looked almost excited about the prospect.

Mo Xuanyu felt his mouth go dry, “I…” he started to stay, then trailed off, “I’ve been asked not to talk about it,” he finally said. It was true, and sects always kept secrets from him. It would be perfectly normal.

Besides, he thought hysterically, it’s not like I could tell him even if I hadn’t been sworn to secrecy. Weiqiang was a Nie after all.

The Nie, Jin Gangyao had driven into him, would not take kindly to demonic cultivation. Remember, he had said as he based back and forth in that secret room where he kept what they’d managed to save from the burial mounds, the Jiang might be the ones that are making the most noise about searching for Demonic cultivators, but none of the other clans will tolerate it, no matter how needful it is. The Nie especially would be ruthless. They’re self-righteous and don’t bother to listen to anything anyone says. Don’t think you could make an excuse or try to explain yourself if one of them catches you. The Nie would make up their minds, and then there’s nothing you can do to change them. For them, one transgression is enough for them, and all that matters is that you’ve wronged them.

The words kept bouncing around his head as he stared Nie Weiqiang, convinced the man was staring right through him. Like he knew what he was up to, and could somehow sense the resentful energy, or see it coming off him. No one else had said they saw anything about it today but it was Nie Weiqiang he was talking too. If anyone was going to notice anything off it would be him.

When the Nie cultivator actually frowned at him his heart nearly stopped. Had he really figured things out? Was he going to announce it to the rest of the cultivation conference? Then it would be between Nie and Jiang over who would actually get to…

He swallowed hard, “I….” the word came as he scrambled to come up with something. Could he blame it on running into something during a night hunt? A curse? Would Weiqiang even believe it was a curse?

“Is he pushing you hard because it’s important or something?” Weiqiang said instead of anything he had been expecting, “because you kind of look like crap.”

For a moment all he could do was stare and then he laughed, a little hysterically. “Really? “ he managed to get out as he calmed down.

At least the other man blushed slightly, “Okay, yeah, foot in mouth. But you just look…really worn out? Tried, anyway. You sure you’re not working too hard?”

Mo Xuanyu almost laughed again. What was he supposed to say to that ‘yeah, maybe a little since I’m trying to learn to master demonic cultivation and I’m trying not to disappoint my brother and lose my place in my sect and have to hide what I’m doing from almost everyone.’ “I’m fine,” he said outloud, trying to keep his voice even, “just busy, like I said.” Nie Weiqiang was looking at him more earnestly now, and he felt something like guilt twisting in his gut.

Part of him wanted to tell him, that’s the thing. It was insane, he knew that. The two of them might have exchanged letters, and maybe Weiqiang might have thought of him as something like a friend, but that wouldn’t be enough if ever found out what he had been up to. No mercy, Yao-Ge had said. Did that mean he would immediately condemn him and drag him up for trial? Or would he draw his own blade and take care of it himself because he saw it as his duty?

The thought made him feel nauseous. There was just…something that made him wish that they could just go somewhere and talk like they could before, even with that risk.

Weiqiang was still frowning at him, and Mo Xuanyu realized he should probably get out of here before the other man started pressing.

“And I promised Sect Leader Jin that I would help with this cultivation conference,” he bowed slightly to the other man, “if you’ll excuse me, Nie-gongzi.”

He actually made it a few steps away before he heard Weiqiang go ‘Nie-gongzi?’ in complete confusion. For one second he hoped that the confusion would last until he was out of sight, but a breath later there was a curse from behind him.

“What do you mean by that!?” and he could hear footsteps, “‘Nie-gongzi…when the hell did you start calling me that?”

He chose to say nothing, hoping that the other cultivator would give up, even as he realized how faint a hope that was.

Nie Weiqiang has always been stupidly stubborn.

“Hey!” Came from behind him, “Mo Xuanyu! Are you really just going to leave like that? What the fuck is the matter with you?”

He just walked faster.

“Hey!” A hand grabbed his wrist, and he stopped. For a long moment he just stood there. Weiqiang’s hand was firm, and he could swear he could feel the heat of it even through the wrist guard he was wearing. Turning around was a bad idea, he felt. “....Are you mad at me or something? You aren’t writing me back, you dodged the question when I asked if you wanted to go night hunting with me, and I swear you’ve been avoiding me.”
“If I did something could you at least tell me what pissed you off so I can apologize?”

Mo Xuanyu knew his hand was shaking, and there was a lump in the back of his throat. He swallowed hard and forced himself to take a deep breath. This had to be done.

He glanced back at the Nie cultivator and gave him what he hoped was a cold smile “It’s nothing you did,” he said honestly, “It’s just that I have more important things to do.”

Nie Weiqiang immediately went still, eyes going wide. He looked like he had been slapped, the raw hurt on his face almost making Mo Xuanyu apologize out of reflex.

Instead he forced himself to turn, pulling himself free from the other man’s slack grip, and walked away. There was a half-hearted protest, but this time Weiqiang didn’t chase after. What he said wasn’t a complete lie, he kept repeating to himself, and this had to be done. It was for the best that he cut things off now. He wasn’t the person Weiqiang thought he was anymore.

This way, at least he wouldn’t have to worry about how badly Nie Weiqiang would react and they could both continue on with their lives.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He spent the next few days attending as many of the meetings as he could, since apparently it made him look dedicated. It was odd, really. Cultivation conferences had always been something he was excited about, but he hadn’t been treated with much importance so there had bit of a sting to them. Even last year if you had told him that his brother would be depending on him this much, and he would be seated in a more prominent position he would have over the moon. Now he just felt drained, because even though he had been carefully not using resentful energy, he still felt like there were eyes on him all the time. He might be a nobody to the Jins, but at least he knew that meant they weren’t going to think he was up to anything. The other cultivators swarming the Tower though, they might see what people who were used to him didn’t.

Just couple more days, had been his mantra as the conference had started to wind down. He’d tried to avoid as much of it as he could…and stayed as far away from the Nie group as he could.

At least now the other sects were slowly leaving as they said their formal goodbyes. Things were almost back to normal, and then he could start paying more attention to what Yao-ge had asked him to do in the first place. Xue Chengmei hadn’t seemed as concerned about getting caught, but then he never seemed remotely worried about what anyone thought.

Now he watched as one of the smaller sects made their formal goodbyes, and let out a sigh. He’d made it through this time. Maybe by the next time there was a cultivation conference he would have things under more control. Know what he was doing. Then he would actually be able to take part in it and not just sit at the back the whole time….

“Mo Xuanyu!” the familiar voice made him jump and shattered his thoughts. He’d thought that Nie Weiqiang had left with the rest of the Nie delegation, yet here he was striding towards him.

“Yes..?” he’d thought the man wouldn’t want to talk to him after he brushed him off earlier, and he hoped this wasn’t another argument. He watched with trepidation as the cultivator stopped in front of him. For a long moment he just stared, and Mo Xuanyu shifted uncomfortably. It wasn’t like he had never known the man to hesitate for anything. Maybe what he had said earlier really had made an impression. Was he about to get yelled at over it? He was about to open his mouth to finally ask what he wanted, when Nie Weiqiang darted forward and grabbed his arm. Before he could even feel anything but surprise, something was pressed into his upturned palm.

“....This is for you,” he said firmly before releasing him.

Mo Xuanyu stared at him for a moment before finally glancing down at his hand. A small wooden frog stared up at him.

What.

A frog. Why had he been given a frog? Was it supposed to mean something? Was it payment for something? He didn’t think he’d ever done anything that Nie Weiqiang would have to pay him back for. Wasn’t he mad at him anyway?

Since the taller man was still watching him he cleared his throat, “thank you,” he said, “but…why?” The last words slipped out before he could stop them.

The other cultivator blinked in confusion opened and closed his mouth a few times, and something like panic seemed to cross his face for a second, “I..” he said, “don’t know!” the last was said with an aggressive scowl, and Mo Xuanyu wouldn’t tell who it was directed at.

“...Okay…?” He almost wanted to take a step back but the earnest expression on Weiqiang’s face stopped him.

“Look,” the Nie cultivator finally sighed, “I don’t know everything that’s been going on with you, but something is. I know you said you can’t tell me about it, but if ever something that you actually can talk to me about, you know you can ask me for help, okay?”

“....What?” He looked at the little frog then back up at Weiqiang in confusion. From what felt like far away he heard someone shout something, maybe the other cultivator's name. After everything he had said, for some reason the man was still offering help.

Weiqiang shifted awkwardly and looked away, “I mean,” he said, “I said you could, back when we first met. It’s not like I’ve changed my mind or anything. You seemed…upset earlier. Like somethin’ was going on.”

“I…”

The voice was back, closer this time and yelling for Nie Weiqiang to ‘get over there now’. It made said cultivator swear under his breath then turn to yell ‘I heard you over!’ before turning around fast, “Look, I have to go, but swear that you’ll just think about what I said all right? And write this time!”

Mo Xuanyu nodded mutely, but apparently that was enough. It got him a smile from Weiqiang as if that had meant something, and then he was dashing off, yelling something about ‘I fucking heard you’.

He stared after him for a long moment then looked down at the little frog. ‘Ask me for help’, as if it was such a simple thing. It made him want to laugh. What could Weiqiang help him with? ‘Oh, do you think you can figure out how the Yiling Patriarch work? I have notes!’. It would just end up with him dead! And even if Weiqiang actually decided to help, what could he really do? It would be a useless gesture in the end.

But.

But.

He curled his fingers around the little toy and brought it to his chest. For some reason, that offer had made him feel a little lighter.

Maybe things would turn out all right after all.