Deathbody

“What does it feel like to be pure?”

Nakir had been thinking about that question ever since Acheron asked him it. He didn’t have an answer. Despite how much he mulled over it, the words were just out of reach for him. That shouldn’t be the case, though. He was supposed to be pure of heart. That he was sure of. Such a young soul like him was a beacon of light for the Testament Church, so he had to know what purity felt like. Even if Father Leigh and the other priests didn’t remind him to uphold his virtues, he knew there was something different about him compared to the average person.

He saw many types of people visit the church. Usually, he didn’t interact with them personally– Father Leigh was careful with those that got close to him. Still, as a silent observer, he saw much of the humanity he was allowed to witness. He simply wasn’t like them. He couldn’t be like them. Their purposes in life were different. It was a tricky concept he had to wrap his head around ever since he was a child. Nowadays, he saw what everyone lectured him about.

There was a light in everyone’s eyes that he never saw in himself. Even as he saw people grow duller as religious sermons dragged on, there was a range of emotions he felt like he shouldn’t express. There were wants and desires within these people. More than just the desire to be righteous in god’s eyes too. Sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder what that felt like.

A desire of any kind could lead him down dangerous paths. He spoke with a demon that represented the very concept. Temptation. If desire got ahold of him, then all his work would be void. He could look at how people around him laughed carelessly– their smiles actually reaching their eyes– but he should remember that they’re vulnerable. Within that happiness laid unearthly corruption that he couldn’t begin to fathom. A wolf in sheep’s clothing that wouldn’t hesitate to eat him alive.

The life he lived was his safe space. As he looked upon people with his dim gaze, he knew he was untouched by the searing hand of corruption. It would all be worth it in the end. So long as he returned to the all-loving embrace of god when he eventually passed. The laughter he missed out on would be a fading memory as he basked in the glory of heaven. Something everyone must want, no?

So, when he faced Acheron again, he had the answer the demon was looking for. His purity came at the cost of being human. Something even Father Leigh struggled to achieve. It would be hard for Acheron to feel this way too, but Nakir knew in his heart that it would eventually happen. He looked the demon in the eyes as he answered.

“My body feels cold.” He put a hand over his heart, his gaze dull, yet solemn. “There’s a hole here… but I leave it empty knowing that god’s embrace is warm and comforting. Nothing else should hold me.”

There was a warmth that everyone got to enjoy while living. They could enjoy the comforts of each other and other such pleasures each day brought… but his body should be cold. It wasn’t that he was wasting his life. He was making sure he would be ready to stand before the gates of heaven. At that moment, that would be when he felt warmth. He would finally wake up.

Acheron’s eyes widened. The concept must be foreign to a being like him, Nakir thought. There was a conflict in the demon's eyes that told him that he had not yet resigned to his fate of purity. To give one’s self to god would be to abandon the sin of humankind that everyone was born with. Nakir doesn’t remember exactly when he accepted this fate, but it had been long enough that this was simply how life should be.

With furrowed brows, Acheron eventually responded, “You’re truly strong, Nakir.” 

Nakir heard sympathy in his tone. Still, he nodded and gave a small smile in return. The feeling never reached his eyes, but he shouldn’t let it. He wasn’t strong, he was only pure. And he couldn’t be anything else but that.