Desperate

I wondered how much time had passed already. I stared at the photograph. There was a much more beautiful us creating a memory that still remains. I slipped my hand into my pocket and took out a lighter. My mood kept switching between anger and sadness.

I shook my head and lay on the bed. The back of my throat burned and I found myself rushing to the bathroom. These days I'm throwing up a lot more. I eat a lot yet it feels like nothing. When she bought me those biscuits, she said it might be the last time we could eat together. I didn't think she was serious until her face was filled with tears. I hadn't eaten anything else since.

Gripping onto the toilet seat, I used my other hand to keep hair out of my face, and threw up again. It added to the disgust I already felt towards myself. I cleaned myself off and looked into the mirror, my hand sliding down it. "Is this really it?" I ask myself. I haven't imagined a life without her yet but she seemed to have already passed through the stage of unhappiness. I am only being a nuisance.

I remembered the first time I gazed upon her. I remembered the smile she gave me, the smile that made my heart bounce from the sky to the ground. The warmth she gave me, a sense of belonging. The times she protected me from the outside world without any explanation. She just understood. I remembered her. The her I saw the other day is not the her that once stood next to me. Was everything as light as a balloon to her? Tell me, was there really no other way? I heard the front door unlock. An argument stepped inside. He found me on the bathroom floor. "Why haven't you left yet? You have no place here anymore." His words rung in my ears. I tried finding the strength to get up but could only move on my knees. I fought to push the door closed, sobbing. My fists hit the cold, hard floor, again and again. "It's not true!" Maybe if I said it enough, I would believe it. So I cry out again and again.

I dropped another crumpled piece of toilet paper into the trash can, but it rolled right off the pile that was already in there. The floor was littered with those. Opening the door, I was greeted by her sitting on the bed with her head down. I sat down next to her and didn't say anything. We had been avoiding this for so long in order to keep what we had and now that it was out in the open, we had to face it. Everything was falling apart, but it wasn't my fault. It wasn't her fault either. He came into the room and ripped my clothes out of the closet. Shirt. Skirt. Jeans. Hat.

"Leave."

I didn't say anything.

He swept jewellery that I bought for her off the dresser.

She didn't say anything.

We waited for it to be over before lifting our heads. "The marriage is tomorrow. You should move on." I cupped her face in my hand. "Why? You're the only person that ever mattered to me. The only person that could make me want to go through another day, just so I could see your smile and feel your affection by the end of it. You kept me alive so why did you push me away? So why did you let him take over you!?" I felt a knot deep in my throat.

She grabbed my arm and forced me to let go.

"Have you forgotten that I'm weak too? Theres nothing I can do at this point but follow through!" I knew it but I still couldn't accept it. Everytime I felt like I had some sort of peace, these feelings would crawl from underneath the bed and haunt me. He is the monster and we are his prey. All she had to do was leave the light on. She power-walked towards the door but I reacted quick enough to grab the collar of her shirt. Struggling to make me lose my grip, she yelled, "Let. GO." I felt thoughtless, separated from my body. She kept trying to wrestle her way out of my arms. I lost strength them and was therefore thrown back. I hit my head on the frame of the bed and my vision became blurry.

That was the last time I was ever going to be so close to her.