Held Down by a Heavy Paw

It was hard to breathe. The red liquid oozed out of the fresh wound, it poured out of the brown tabby like a waterfall. He felt it running down his forelegs, as he looked down with his good eye he felt as though he were about to topple over. Slowly he lowered himself to the ground, this was the end. It didn't hurt as bad as he thought it would. He looked around trying to spot Wolfprowl or Autumnstar in the crowd of cats, and tried to strain his ears to listen for them... The only thing he could hear was his apprentice, Tindermatch, screaming his name and something else in panic. He hoped that what he heard was his apprentice calling for Wolfprowl, but it was impossible to tell as the sounds of the battle began to muffle and fade out. Oh... There were so many things he wanted to say, but no words would come out. He yearned for the grey cat to have called for his family, but out of his blurry vision he saw her posture tense up as more shapes of Treeclan cats approached. They were not going to let her have a chance to heal him, not that there was anything the younger cat could do for him anyway.

It was the last time he felt warm before the cold settled in.

That was years ago.

An eternity has passed since Redwood has last seen his family or his apprentice. He could only hope that they were okay, but as he saw more and more cats from Oceanclan trickle into the Dark Forest over time... Part of him wanted to just look away, pretend he never saw it. He spent his whole life doing it, died avoiding the problem, and now spent his afterlife in eternal hunger and darkness having to confront it. His dark tabby fur itched relentlessly and his stomach felt as though it was constantly devouring itself, until he finally learned to ignore that too. Redwood was left feeling numb, the only thing that incited any kind of emotion from him was the thought of his son.

Autumnstar... What have we done to you? He remembered the day his wife Wolfprowl brought their son into their lives, he was so small and so innocent. How could Starclan punish someone like that, he was never given a chance. They told him countless times that his only child was born with an impure heart, that he would drown all of Oceanclan in a sea of blood. It was when Redwood refused to kill his newborn kit that they were both damned to hell. The dark tabby knew one day his son would join him here in the Dark Forest. If only he could cling so desperately to the sliver of hope that Autumnstar could make it to heaven, but there was a rotting pit inside of him that told him otherwise.

During his time here, he tried and failed to bond with his sister-in-law, Haven. He was shocked to discover that she was here, Haven didn't even believe in Starclan nor the Dark Forest. He supposed that her slaughter of the raccoons was crime enough to deserve some sort of punishment, but eternal damnation? Haven was equally confused about why he was here, but when he explained it to her she didn't really seem to understand. The tall purple and blonde cat was nice enough but she was quite judgemental of Autumnstar. She said she always had a bad feeling about him... But that's not really fair, is it? Autumnstar was a good cat, Haven had died long before the battles with Treeclan began. She had no reason to suspect his penchant for violence.

Even if they never argued about his son though, Haven was a hard cat to keep up with. Redwood was so tired all the time, from the beginning he had no energy and no will to try to get anything out of living in the Dark Forest. The tabby only got slower and slower as time went on, he wanted to fade away but was that even possible? Would a world as cruel as this one really allow him to be free of the torment? Sometimes the fatal wound on his throat would ooze black liquid, Redwood once tried to dig his paws inside the opening just to see if he could end it all once more... But that never came.  The black ooze caked his paws, staining them. The Dark Forest and Starclan were both sick jokes to him. He tried a few more attempts, he climbed a tree to fall out on purpose at least three times, probably more…

Every now and then he would re-encounter Haven, who would comment that he somehow looked worse than the last time. Haven always looked the same, he wondered what he did to deserve this slow deterioration... Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise, perhaps one day he would succumb to it and be done with it all. One time he did bear witness to a resident kill another, they had gotten into an argument and he surveyed from a distance as the larger cat ripped open the other. With a curious gaze he watched as the injured cat slowly faded... He kept an eye out for that cat again, were they truly gone? He wanted to know if there genuinely was a way to escape.

Redwood never saw the faded cat again.

He was alone with his thoughts most of the time, he often let his mind wander into the territory of surrender. Surely there was no reason to stay here now that he knew there was a way to leave, right...? Then as he searched for excuses to let go, there was always something holding him back. Autumnstar would join him eventually. The desire to see his son again was the only thing preventing Redwood from throwing himself at a stronger demon and antagonizing them until they put him out of his misery. So he waited. For years he waited for his son. The dark forest slowly filled up with cats, Redwood would hear about the war. He knew Autumnstar was still alive. Part of him wanted to be proud of his son for being so strong, for being hard to take down, but a lot of these cats were killed by the leader. Redwood slowly came to the realization that his child had become a tyrant, Starclan was right all along.

Yet... Starclan gave Autumnstar nine lives; they endorsed him becoming leader. Even if Redwood let the fire start, their God was fueling the flame and urging it along the path of most destruction.

Redwood longed to speak to his son.

While he was alone he thought about the way he raised Autumnstar, wondering what happened. The tabby could determine that perhaps he spoiled his son too much, perhaps giving him everything he wanted only taught him to want more and more power. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, he scoffed. He could spend days, weeks, even months, pondering his failings as a parent. He loved his son, why was it so wrong to want to cherish your child? Starclan would withhold the answer to this for all eternity it seemed. Redwood wondered what would have happened if he did what they asked. Would he still have gone to the Dark Forest if he drowned his baby in the name of God? Redwood never killed anyone, he was happy to never have had his son's blood on his paws. He doesn't regret it.

More and more time passed as Redwood waited, drained to his very core. At this point he wondered if Starclan would accept Autumnstar in the end, if it meant spiting Redwood further. Anything to prolong the torture that was his afterlife. Some Dark Forest residents fled past him one day as he wallowed in his pain, if someone was chasing them in an attempt to kill them... Well, Redwood was past his breaking point. He considered just surrendering to whatever was approaching him. The brown tabby stood staring down at the ground as the pawsteps behind him came to a halt. Redwood did not brace for an impact, he did not want to react. He tried to block out wishful thoughts of release as he studied the texture of the dirt beneath him. This will not end here if I desire it too strongly, Redwood could not beg. Starclan would never let him go if he begged.

"Why are you here...?" A confused yet familiar voice sounded from behind him.

Redwood slowly turned around, was it real?

He finally saw his son again.