A Heart Divided

Leaving my pack was the hardest decision I ever made. It’s hard to know where exactly to begin with this story, but I suppose I should start with a name. I am Luna of the Kalgaris pack seelie wolf, or at I least used to be, now in just Luna alone. We, my pack, had lived in the forests of Findias rather separated from the town but far from alone, there were many other Fae in the area that called the forest their home. Non-the less we had taken a small portion of the land to call our territory. I was born the smallest of my litter, the smallest of my pack it seems. Over the years there has been so much I have done for my pack, to earn their favor, to earn their love. At a young age I had started working and learning in the forges and craft shops. I had hoped if I could create perhaps they would love me and see use in me, see me for more than my size and lack of strength. Over the years I had become quite skilled at crafting, my mind and my hands were quick, but it didn’t seem to matter. After a time, I began to realize my creations had become more about keeping myself from dying again rather than helping my pack. So, I had set out to learn a new skill, I learned to heal so I might aid them when one is injured, but even that turned to sorrow. They had no care for my skill and no wish for me to heal them, so yet again my skill had only been used for myself. At this point I suppose I should stop talking myself and get back to the story.       

It was my 301^st year and the years had long since begin to pass in numb vacancies of an endless eternity. At this point I was still working as a crafter and learning about the healing arts, it was the one thing that made me happy, even if it wasn’t appreciated by those who’s approval I craved most.  My mentor in healing was a good Fae in many ways. He was a firm, but a kind and patient and effective teacher. Yet, in all the year I knew him that was all he was too me. He kept a sort of professional distance, keeping to himself and never broaching into my personal life, Fae were like that, or at least the ones around me were. The only time he ever showed any sort of real caring for me was a day that would change my life forever. It was a warm day and I came in to study more on healing. I walked into the room and looking to my mentor, he stood tall and imposing with a serious look upon his face. I had started to think the worst, perhaps he no longer wanted me as a student, perhaps I had become too much of bother for him to tolerate. He asked me to sit down so I hurried to a seat, my head bowed, eyes fastened to the floor. He walked across the table and said to me “Luna I want you to look me in the eyes”. I struggled to do as asked, to make the eye contact I had long come to fear. It took me few moments and he waited patiently, but I was final able to look into his eyes, they looked serious, but not cruel or unkind “good I want you to be looking at me for what I am about to tell you” he says. He looks at me for a few moments, the room falling to silence as I shifted and tensed in my seat wishing I no longer had to make eye contact. He then spoke “I am planning on leaving for Murias soon”. My eyes darted down to the table “o oh I see” I stuttered. My heart fell, he was leaving I no longer would have a place to learn healing I would have to spend more hours with my pack, but no, no I should want to spend time with them they’re my pack, no wonder they hurt me.  My panicked thoughts are interrupted by mentor “Luna look at me, I am not finished” my eyes snapped back to his, my body starting to quiver and shake “I wish to take you with me, if desire to go. I think there is much you could learn there”. I went into a state of shock, leave my pack? But I couldn’t I stuttered for what to say, noticing my distress he said “you don’t have to tell me now I don’t plan to leave for some time, think it over” I numbly nodded in response. He then attempted to commence to a lesson, but I was so lost in thought that he dismissed me early. In a daze I returned to my pack. That night I slept alone as usual thinking and thinking over what my mentor had offered, I could never leave my pack, but a part of me ached for the knowledge I would have access too. There I could learn, there could be those that may appreciate my intellect, perhaps I could be of use. There I could hide amongst books learning all I could learn, but that would be selfish, but maybe I could bring this knowledge back to my pack, but then id still have to leave them. I agonized over this decision for the weeks to come. I weighed the options never really coming to a good conclusion, my heart was torn. I wasn’t until a month or so later when I finally made my decision.

            It was a day like any other, nothing different really. Those around my age began to nip at my feet and hide running away in laughter. They circled me round and round calling me names ; weak, runt, useless, gutter pup, ugly, worthless, no good, omega, no one, the list could go on but that’s hardly the point. They started to lunge ripping into my flesh and fur. I know some may think I should just fight back, but I had learned so long ago that it just easier to take and let my mind transverse to fog of blank white nothingness, no pain, no fear, no feeling. It wasn’t as if it hasn’t happened before, since I was young, over time Id became used to it. They continued to bite, and rip and mock. This wasn’t any different, but somehow this time something changed in me. It was then lying there that I had a realization. I looked around at the pack that surrounded me. As my litter mates lunged and ripped and tore away at me, many of the younger joining in to prove there were tough, all the others laughing. The elders looked on with an indulgent amusement at the scene before them, me bleeding limp and near lifeless on the forest floor. It was in that moment looking around at all my pack mates faces that I realized they would never love me, perhaps they never did. My heart shattered. Tears came to my eyes leaking down my snout whipping the others into more of a frenzy ripping in and biting harder and faster until the world faded away to black one again, my heart beating slower and slower, my blood further staining the earth. When I awoke in the same spot, life slowly returning to my body, I knew I couldn’t stay here anymore. Once I could move properly I picked myself up as usual and went to my mentor. I arrived where he usual taught me blood still in my fur, wounds still prominent “I’ll go” He looks long and hard at me “good id hoped you would make the right decision, now that you’ve decided I suppose we can leave as soon as possible it’ll take me week to get my things together and then we will leave” I nodded numbly in response and left walking out. A week later I waited till all were distracted, I knew they might not care at all that I’m leaving, but I feared that they would keeping from leaving simple out of cruelty, amusement, or hatred.  I packed all the things in my possession, things I’ve made that weren’t broken by the others and left. I only took one moment to look back on my pack playing happily together without me before I moved on. The saddest and most pathetic part about this is I still think about them to this day always wondering if I really should have left.