Oh Fuck

Oh fuck, oh fuck BIG WOLF. I haven’t seen another wolf in 197 years and these are the first thoughts that ran through my head upon seeing Decker in her unshrouded form. I swear I was gonna have a heart attack or something. I couldn’t get myself to shaking, to stop my mind from racing in pure panic and terror. What’s worse is I got the Alpha in trouble because I couldn’t calm myself down, some impression I made. Then of course I had to apologize making a bigger fool of myself why can’t I just learn to shut up. It’s not like she would ever care about my past.          

Its funny I never thought id really want another alpha. At least not an alpha wolf. I want a pack but its hard because new people are scary. I just want people I can help, but I don’t know if anyone could find me useful. Decker seems like such a nice alpha, but she so scary. I don’t know how to feel about her being my alpha. She seems like shes a good alpha. Shes nice and pretty and she has scars like I do. She wears them out without shame unlike me.  I could see her being my alpha, me helping her when she needs it being a good support and her being kind and treating me with a gentleness no fae wolf has ever shown me. The things is don’t know why she would want me in her pack. Im weak and small and damaged I could never protect her if needed. I guess I could make her stuff but I don’t know if she’d want me to, if I’d be helping at all. 

I met the pack today. Of course I had to be an idiot again and go talking about my school issues. An alpha doesn’t need know a pack members issues. I just had to bring it up, its odd that she actually seemed to care. In the future ill have to remember to shut up and not bother the alpha with my problems. I thought I was gonna have an emotional break down when she asked if I wanted to meet them. Fortunately it was a pleasant surprise, her pack is dogs not wolves I love dogs, and there were PUPPIES so cute. It kind of made me sad tho this is her family, her pack I don’t know don’t think I could ever fit I her. For a brief moment I imagined living there with a bunch of dogs, an alphas in the wood a little away from society, but that’s stupid itd be weird to live with alpha, plus its easier to live alone really even if it gets lonely. Then I imagined coming to visit, but that felt silly to. I just feel so uncomfortable on alphas territory, I cant help but feel as if I don’t belong here. If came here im sure id just be a bother to the alpha.  

Decker was so down today. I guess it has something to do with that Christopher person, the persons grave she went too. I wish there was something I could do to make her feel better. I almost wish I could give her a big hug and chase away all the pain even if it was just for a few moments, but that would be weird and of no help coming from me someone she barely knows. With death and grief though there often isn’t anything you can really do. I want to give her space and respect the alpha wolfs emotional privacy but I cant help but want to protect her, make sure she ok. Naturally I make an even bigger fool of myself fortunately she seems to not have noticed.  I’ll never be worth of being part of her pack. 

Shit, Decker came to see me today. Of all the times for the dokkalfar to be out and after fatebound it had to be when I don’t want to see any of the other fatebound. I wonder if she noticed my bandages and wounds on my hands, if she did she thankfully didn’t say anything. I can’t, don’t want her to know I’m hurt that I hurt myself I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t until later I realized something she said, she said I had family here now. When did this happen, I don’t remember this happening, did I get adopted? Is Decker my alpha now? I’m so confused. I don’t really know how to feel about any of this I don’t know why they would want me as family they barely know me. She said that they would protect me, but I could never let her do that, could never be such a burden.  

            I hope Decker can be my alpha, I hope one day I can be worthy being one of her pack.