On Our Orders

    Asper couldn’t sleep. The atmosphere was quiet for once, but the distinct smell of iron still filled his nostrils. He tossed and turned, trying to block out the smell, but his senses paled to compare to the thoughts racing through his head. There was a battle still settling outside, and a war still raging across the countryside, and all he was supposed to do was stay back and read, research, and record. It was driving him insane.

    Quiet as a dart, Asper slipped out his glorified study in the barracks and crept towards the armory. He could fight, and fight well, he just needed to find a knife and march out to Pilkia tomorrow. Or so was the plan.

    “Funny seeing you up at this hour, Asper. Getting listless, are you?”

    Hand on the door, Asper snapped his head back to meet the very face he was afraid to see. Czesawa Yolkin.

    He searched his mind for an answer, any answer other than the right one, but she didn’t give him the time to think.

    “Well? What are you up to?” Czesawa said, hands on her hips. “You’re not the type to wander out for a midnight snack.”

    Her bright auburn hair took the shade of blood in the dark hall, the only thing that caught any light was her amber eyes that stared right through Asper. He wasn’t one to succumb to her intimidation tactics, but he had run out of time to come up with a convincing lie.

    “Fine, you caught me,” he said flatly, throwing his hands up in a mocking gesture. “I’m just grabbing a knife from the armory.”

    He was met with a cocked eyebrow in response, “What, are you going on a midnight fox hunting trip?”

    A small laugh escaped Asper. Czesawa was entertaining his games, at least. He shrugged, “Well, the kitchen is looking kind of empty-”

    “Cut the shit, Asper. You and I both know that you’re not going anywhere.”

    The playful moment between them got shot out of the air in an instant with words that felt like daggers. 

    “Why do you need a knife, really?”

    Asper was taken aback by the change in tone. Not yet intimidated, but still needed to take a minute to process everything.

    “I’m marching out to Pilkia with your brigade tomorrow. Thought I should be armed for it.” 

    “On whose orders?” 

    “My own. Figured I had that authority. Am I not a general?”

    Silence. 

    The deafening quiet constricted the room with it’s tension and made the air near unbreathable. Asper and Czesawa stared at each other blankly, storms brewing in their eyes and the bottom of their throats. 

    “No, Asper,” Czesawa said, breaking the air with choked words. “You are not a general, I have no idea how you got that in your head. I am a general, Danifa is a general. You are a researcher, a healer, and a tactician. You do not want to be a general, nor do you want to fight.”

    “How do you know that?!” Asper spat, the thunder in his throat crashing as he balled his hands into fists so tight he could break his own bones. “You don’t know, because frankly, I don’t want to be collecting dust in the barracks while more of us get slaughtered every day just outside the city walls!”

    “Oh, and adding your corpse to the pile will help that?!” Czesawa fired back.

    “I can fight!”

    “And the rest of us can’t!?” Czesawa had since cornered Asper between herself and the wall, close enough to see tears beginning to form in her eyes. “Everyone here can fight, Asper. If they couldn’t they wouldn’t be here. The difference between you and the rest of us is that you can think.”

    “Think? Is that all I am, the brains of the operation? A tool for you to use?” Asper said, literally butting foreheads with Czesawa.

    With that, though, Asper was thrown against the wall with enough force to shake the whole city. He fell to the floor, and when he regained his vision, Czesawa was standing over him, shaking like a leaf.

    “Do you fucking hear yourself?! You think being the smartest man in this goddamn army is a bad thing?! I can’t fucking read, Asper! And until 3 years ago, I thought Sigurdrif was the best place in the whole world because I couldn’t think for myself! So many people are like me, like...dogs!”

    Like dogs.

 

    Those words felt like poison, both on Asper’s ears and Czesawa’s tongue, but before he could interject anything, she continued.

    “Dogs don’t research, don’t invent, don’t find the key that breaks their chains. We bare our teeth, snarl, bite, and claw until the lock snaps or die trying. When I say you can think, I mean that you have what it takes to carry us to real independence. Swinging an axe can free trapped people, but it doesn’t make a country. You need to survive so you can lead where the rest of us can’t. Do you really want the Unified Idell to be led by a dog who, even now, still sometimes dreams of the days where she was happily on her owner’s lap? Don’t think I’m keeping you here because I’m selfish and don’t want you hurt, though if I’m to be completely honest I don’t want you to be the next person I have to bury!”

    Tears were now streaming down Czesawa’s face full force, muddling some of her words as she stood her ground. Her eyes were squeezed shut as she yelled, her hands balled into fists in a show of emotion Asper had never seen from her before, and he would be lying if he said that his heart hadn’t been torn in two. He couldn’t just sit and watch, though. Not when his commander, his friend, was acting like this, thinking like this. Using all of his exhausted energy, he pulled Czesawa into the tightest hug he could.

    “Never call yourself, or anyone, that again,” he said, releasing her and pushing back to wipe the tears from her eyes. “And don’t treat me like I’m some sort of savior. I’m smart, sure, but that doesn’t make my life worth more than anyone else’s. I’m Idellian, and a farvasi, just like you, and we are not dogs, no matter how many people like to believe it. We’re more akin to wolves, loyal but not subservient, strong, alert, and never willing to back down. That sounds more like you, like us, doesn’t it?”

Czesawa averted her gaze, “I suppose…”

“No ‘I suppose’,” Asper said, shaking her a bit. “Where’s that angry confidence you were just shoving down my throat? Say it, we are wolves, not dogs!”

“We are wolves, not dogs!”

“Wolves fight as a pack, with no one left behind. So please, let me fight alongside you, as your equal.”

Czesawa was quiet for a bit, mulling everything over.

“...promise you’ll keep yourself safe?” She muttered, meeting Asper’s eyes again.

To that, Asper just smiled. “Oh please, why would I have anything to worry about? I’ll have the Ravager with me, the enemy should be worried for their safety!”

“...just go get your damn knife.”