tsaf loop 2: nowhere to run

Robbie sighs, unceremoniously depositing his phone on the table before flopping himself down on the couch.

That conversation earlier in the group chat... he can’t help but feel betrayed. It’s taking all of his willpower to not go into Will’s DM’s just to bitch at him right now.

— Wincing a little as he leans back. He’s recuperating, at least. Cleaned wounds, properly bandaged.

“... This weekend has truly been fucking awful, aye?”

Alice is just scrolling through Bootleg Tumblr. Trying to distract herself from all of this, away from Twitter and everyone who actually knows her in real life. So... Scrolling for silly weird memes is how she's dealing with it.

Head resting in one hand, kinda leaning over the little armrest part of the couch in doing so. It isn't actually comfortable at all, but that does not deter her.

There's a little sound of acknowledgement/agreement.  

"...Yeah, I'm just tired." She probably should've expected a bunch of shit to go down the second she decided to murder her dad, tbh. But that was stress she was aware she was bringing on, and was prepared to handle. This is... entirely different. 

"Don't wanna think about it anymore, honestly." But she kind of doesn't have a choice, huh?

“Me too.” That’s in response to both statements, really.

... It’s certainly been a whirlwind of events, huh? And now it’s all converging. He wish he could say he didn’t expect something terrible to come of it, but... here he is.

He starts to stretch, before determining that it’s a bad idea and sitting up a little more instead.

“Still not sure what we’re gonna do about... everything,” he says absently, despite agreeing with the notion that he’d really prefer to just ignore this whole thing.

Sigh.

At least they’re relatively safe in here.

... Mm... A little glance.

"... Leave?" That's not a permanent solution, but... "And we'll figure something out as soon as we're out of here. That'll give us enough time to figure something out safely, yeah? And then... I don't know. We could go to the police."

She doesn't know. It's a whole big deal. And leaving, just while they figure out what to do next, sounds like a good idea, right?

There’s a nod.

“Just can’t help feeling like I’m fucking — overreacting, or some shit.”

The stress may be here to stay, but the adrenaline’s long since worn off from the day before. He’s sore and he’s tired and he’s still on edge, and all of this? It just frustrated him to no end.

“She’s just —“ he seethes, “a dumbass kid. Shouldn’t have even gotten as far as she did.”

Robbie’s more just ranting than anything else, trying to get his thoughts out.

“ ‘M tired of all the bullshit.”

... "You shouldn't have gotten involved to begin with." Thanks, Captain Obvious. There's no way Robbie knew from the beginning that this is how things would turn out and the whole thing was for nothing, but... Even if it hadn't been, why would he? It's just stupid drama. She could fend for herself if she really had to.

"...Would've saved you a lot of trouble." Alice and Dealing With The Way She Feels do not go hand in hand. So her guilt for him being wrapped up in this turns into frustration, and turns into her stating the obvious (and not exactly being the nicest about it,) like it'll do any good now.

"I wasn't planning to get anyone else involved. Made everything more complicated."

Of course it isn't his fault this is all happening, and she doesn't blame him. But that sure as hell isn't the vibe she's giving off.

There’s a long pause as he mulls it over, staring up at the ceiling rather than looking over at her.  

— First rule is that you don’t drag other people into your bullshit.  

... But Alice didn’t drag him into it, though, did she? She told him the truth, sure, but that came after. This was his mess first.  

Robbie kept his mouth shut on Valentine’s Day, because he couldn’t give less of a shit about the Bronte family. 

( He gave Alice the perfect opportunity. ) 

Robbie went on the war path the day she went into the hospital, instead of leaving well enough alone. Can you blame him? 

( He fucked someone’s life over. Even if it would’ve happened either way. ) 

Alice could’ve never asked him to meet her at the park, and nothing would’ve changed.  

“I know what I’m doing.” His tone is measured, careful — almost like a warning.

... Her gaze settles on her hands, which fidget idly in her lap.

"... Do you? Really?" They both have no idea what they're supposed to do next. That's clear enough, isn't it? Neither of them were ready for this. Not in the slightest.

She doesn't want him involved. Didn't want him involved. She just wanted to cover herself and she apparently did so way, way too well and it went in a way she wasn't expecting and she feels bad about it.

"No one was supposed to try and protect me. Or avenge me, or, whatever, and now, you're, like... involved in this." That's supposed to be some form of an expression of guilt. He could die because of this. She keeps people at arm's length for a reason. Of course the only person who gets it is getting punished because of her. This was all a mistake. Getting this close.

...She has a lot she could still say, and she kind of looks like she's going to, before deciding that it's probably best not to.

“Aye, well... I involved myself.” 

He glances over at her, almost like he’s debating whether to challenge her over it.  

Sure. To be honest, he is a little mad at her about the whole thing. Not really.... at her specifically, more like he’s frustrated with everything that’s going on and he hates that they both can’t just be fucking normal. 

See, he doesn’t do this either. Get close to people. Attempt to help them, go out of his way for anything. But he’s ended up here with her.  

He keeps ending up here with her.  

“Only one way I think this could’ve gone differently,” he adds, and he’s unable to completely erase the bitterness and frustration from his tone.

"It was stupid." She's quiet. 

Logically... Turning on the only person that gets you like this is stupid. Like, insanely, incredibly stupid. And it won't help anything now, but she keeps thinking... if she hadn't gotten so close in the first place, it'd be fine. He'd be fine, and he wouldn't be sitting here with bullet holes in him and he would be better off. That, coupled with the fact that she's already incredibly reactionary is just a bad mix. 

Her nails dig into her palms —hard— trying to distract herself, or get her emotions in check, or something, but it really doesn't change anything. 

"—What was I supposed to do?! I only even told you because I thought it'd finally make you stop saying stupid shit like that I deserved better and you'd— leave me alone, or something! So you wouldn't have to be here, and maybe you'd be okay, I don't know! I didn't realize you were going to do anything like that, much less that you already did!"

"Fucking— I just do this stuff!" Everything is kinda boiling over all at once, and she's. Very emotional. "And you wouldn't... leave when I tried to tell you that!"

“— Don’t you fucking get it already?”  

It really doesn’t take much to frustrate Robbie to no end, even if he’s usually good at not saying anything actually important during his rantings.  

“I’m not going to leave! At this point? Probably couldn’t be rid of me if you tried — and trust me, I have tried so goddamn hard to be rid of you since the day we met, same way I do with everyone else in this shit town.”  

He hates it. He despises everything about this, and he’s not sure who he loathes more for it right now.  

“You think telling me that shit made me hate you? You think it did anything besides make me understand who the fuck you are?”  

He’s seething, letting out a sound of frustration through his teeth.  

“I wish you had told me weeks ago! All the shit you were planning to do, ‘cos you’re my best friend and I would’ve fucking helped you instead of accidentally fucking everything up for both of us!”

...Oh.  

...... Ouch. 

She's quiet, now. 

That shouldn't hurt-- that's a good thing to hear, isn't it? Alice has always, always, always wanted someone that'd stick by her through the worst of it, even though they knew the awful kind of things she does and the awful way she thinks about everyone around her and that she's capable of doing terrible things, and that she's not even remotely close to being a good person. Someone that would understand at the end of the day. She... Kind of thought that wasn't a real person, though, you know? Just some pipe dream-- the same idea as how kids dream about going to magic school, and fighting dragons, and being princesses and astronauts when they grow up.  

...So, some part of it stings, even if she can't exactly place why. Regret that she didn't notice it earlier, or guilt that this is how it's going down because of that. 

Alice is quiet, again. But instead of that frustration in her voice, this time, it's kind of just tentative. She's not really sure what to say, and there's this sort of helplessness in that. And she'd probably turn it back into frustration again, normally, but for whatever reason, it doesn't turn out that way this time. 

"... I'm sorry."

... Really, she is.  

The experience of being her friend is not a good one, she thinks. It's all smiles, and 'i love you!!!! <3's that can't possibly be genuine because none of these people really understand who she is, fundamentally. And, really, maybe it's better for everyone, that way. She gets the attention she craves, and no one else needs to know the way she really feels about anything, or deal with her self-destructiveness, or any of this. But it's lonely. 

It'd be a lie to say she doesn't want to be close. But that comes with people really knowing you. And getting involved with your stupid bullshit. Like what's happening now. 

... Honestly, she just really doesn't want to hurt him any more than she already has.

It doesn’t completely hit him, until she speaks. The words he said, the gravity of them.  

— Robbie Goodman doesn’t do this. He doesn’t fucking do this!! He doesn’t do best friendships or trusting people or any of that other sappy bullshit.  

And normally he’s completely fine with that. He doesn’t have to depend on anyone, or talk about himself, or have anyone invading his personal space the way he hates so much.  

He has Lila and Mika and they’re the only people he’ll ever need in his life. He loves being alone, with nothing to bother him or piss him off or anything of the sort.  

That’s just how it is — approximately 97% of the time, he’d claim.  

That still leaves three percent in his horrible, awful, traitor of a brain, and that three percent is spent doing shit like this.  

Fucking... caring about other people. And at this point, mostly just her.  

Playing video games together and staying at each other’s houses and accidentally covering up a god damned murder.  

But here he is. Admitting to the fact that he misses her when she’s not around. That he cares about her so much. That he’d do just about anything she asked of him.  

It hits him that he can’t snatch the truth back and hide it far away from her. He falls completely silent, eyes growing wide for a moment before his expression goes completely blank. A long pause fills the air as he sits there, completely still.  

And then abruptly, too abruptly, he stands, falling back into that deadpan-edging-on-grumpy expression everyone that knows him knows all too well.  

His next words are quite obviously an excuse, just slightly too rushed into the zone of embarrassment: 

“... I need to go change my bandages now.”

... She doesn't want him to go. (Even if it's just to the other room, it still kind of makes her nervous--  there's probably some explanation there, she thinks-- blah blah, emotional vulnerability, fear of rejection, blah blah, insert some stupid therapist lingo here, or something. She doesn't know. It's kind of irrational, but really, aren't most of her feelings?) She won't move to stop him or anything, but as he starts to get up, she'll watch. 

She isn't sure how to address the best friend thing-- she feels guilty about it, and she doesn't think he wants to talk about it, and she's not sure what she'd even say. (Gross, what are emotions??) So... she opts not to. At least, not right now. If they get out of this alright, if they find a good time, later, then maybe they can talk about that. But not now, not like this.  

... Voice still soft, she offers a, "...You know this isn't your fault, right?" 

Because it isn't. She doesn't think so, at least. She would like things to be different, and it frustrates her, a little, but that can't change now, and she doesn't want him to feel bad.  

"I didn't realize..." Her voice kind of trails off before she can finish that thought, instead moving on to a different idea.  

"I should've said something, or... not have done it, or something." He didn't know better. And how would he have?

Funny, isn't it? All his shouting about how he's not going to leave, and yet that's exactly what he's doing right now, huh? This time, at least, it's only literal, only out of the immediate vicinity, and only a temporary respite at that. For now, at least, he's stuck always coming back. 

Ordinarily, after moments like this — talking about... feelings, or whatever the fuck, he'd just... disappear. Without a word. You'd find him, later, eventually, someday, when the topic couldn't possibly still be the same.  

Unfortunately, it isn't exactly safe for him to leave the house, so this is just how he lives for now, he guesses, having to deal with the consequences of these actions. 

"Mm." 

It's pretty noncommittal, but at least it's something. At very least, he's not pretending that he didn't even hear her as he leaves the room.  

He'll be back soon enough, at least. They both know his reason for leaving is a lie, but he's still going to pretend to make it believable.

Well... It's something. She guesses. Pushing herself up, off the couch, and to her feet with a little sigh.

She won't push it.

"Dunno how long you'll be, buuuut I'm heading out front for a minute," she calls after him. "Come talk to me when you're done, if you want."

Survival instincts? What are those? Sometimes you are just an idiot with bad habits to cope.

... Fuck you, Wonderland.

At that, Robbie represses the urge to thud his head against the door in frustration. He wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if she’s doing that on purpose, that she’d put herself in potential harm’s way just because she knows it means that he’d come back. Because she knows he wants to protect her.

... While he’s here, he might as well do what he said he would. Sitting on the edge of the tub after temporarily discarding the long-sleeved shirt and jeans, wincing as he starts peeling the pads of gauze away from where it’s stuck to the dried blood.

—

It goes more or less as expected. A short time passes, and he ends up, of course, in front of the house with wounds now freshly cleaned.

He doesn’t say anything as he comes up next to her, crossing his arms over his chest.

It wasn't her main goal. But it'd be stupid to think that wasn't part of it, honestly. Even if it's not at the forefront of her mind. Alice's manipulation is just something that happens, intentionally or not. It just comes naturally by now.

...Hi. As he comes out, she offers a little half-wave. She's kinda just leaning against the porch banister, smoking a cigarette.  She's been watching the yard, scanning for any trace of... Well, anything, but there hasn't been anything she's noticed so far. So... Good sign? She thinks.

After he doesn't say anything, she figures he's probably waiting for her to say something, so...

"... D'you want one? I have a lighter."

I don't think she realized that it was probably a bad move to go out as soon as he left? I can't actually tell.

It was either absolutely on purpose or she did it without even thinking.

Either way, it ended up working. At least he can tell himself that he recognized exactly what she might have been doing on purpose, rather than actually being tricked by it.

Robbie would like to think that counts for something, that it lessens the impact when you’re aware of it.

It doesn’t really matter, though, what it counts as — considering he followed her out here anyways.

He’s still quiet. It’s pretty simple, in his opinion. If he doesn’t say anything, then he doesn’t have to talk about it. Wishful thinking, sure, but maybe she’ll just drop it.

“.... Mhm.”

It’s not much, but once again, it’s something, at least, as he gives her a little nod and reaches out.

Here. She's giving him a cigarette, and then flicking the lighter on for him.

She's quiet, too, not exactly sure where to start with any of this. She feels like they should probably talk about it, though. Just... to clear the air, you know?

"...I'm not mad at you or anything."
Just. So he knows.

"Just stressed."

“Maith agat,” he murmurs in quiet thanks as he lights the cigarette.

Taking a long drag, he sighs out an exhale into the cold air. He doesn’t want to talk, but it is a little easier with a distraction, so he focuses on the curls of smoke rather than look over at her.

“... Okay.”

Even if he did want to talk about it, he’s not entirely sure what she expects him to say. He’s said enough bullshit already.

"You're doing that on purpose." She has no idea what he just said. "I'm gonna start leaving Google Translate open, or something." It's a joke. She's just not sure what else to say.

Yeah, she's still watching the yard. Keeping alert, for movement. Just in case.

Guess it's her turn to say some bullshit, isn't it? Taking another drag...

"...Felt like maybe you'd just be better off if you left me. 'Cause, of course the only person who gets it is now being hunted for sport because of something I did. If it was just me? It'd be karma. But. Now you're here, and it makes it all messy." And unfair.

“Won’t work, doesn’t have it for audio.” If nothing else, he’ll banter with her a little. She’s right, though, that he does do it on purpose. It’s easier that way, sometimes.

There’s nothing he can see out there, at least. But he’s still going to be wary until they go back inside, and even then too.

“Oh, come on. Probably just karma for both of us bastards, really.” He’s not really going to elaborate on that point, so don’t bother asking.

“— If it makes you feel better, if it happened again I wouldn’t spare her a second time.”

Little scoff. “ ‘Messy.’ “

Mmgh.

"I just think you deserve better than... all of this." And really, for what? I guess it boils down to her belief that she's not someone that's meant to be loved, or cared about, in any capacity. Sure, she pretends she is, but... Ugh. She feels like a wolf in sheep's clothing. But one of the sheep figured her out. And despite knowing her true nature, he still wants to be around her. Still wants to trust her. Even though she's lied to his face and proven that she's not someone that should be trusted.

"I don't want you to get hurt because of me."

...Is that even true? She thinks it is, she thinks that's what she's feeling. And she's trying to be honest, as bad and wrong as it feels. But knowing herself, she isn't even sure. Maybe she's lying to herself, too. What's real, and what's just part of her facade, at this point? She has no idea. If it came down to it, would she take responsibility for it instead?

... Ugh, maybe she's overthinking it.
It's hard to talk about this.

“— Don’t say shit like that.”

Suddenly, they’ve come full circle, huh? He almost lets out a bitter laugh at the thought. Maybe if she knew more about him, she’d know better than to think of him this way.

Like hell he’s going to talk about anything of the sort, though.

“Pretty sure we’ve already established that’s how it’s gonna go, willingly or not. Or vice versa, you’ve got to give me some credit.”

He’s telling the truth, of course — or at least, what he believes. He’s just attempting to keep his tone light, stay on the edge of a joke so he doesn’t slip into it again. Say more shit that makes him want to puke.

Robbie appreciates it, though. Her honesty. Even if he wishes he didn’t have to be present for all of it.

"... Mm," she acknowledges it, but she's not backing down from it. There's not that many people that she cares about. The people that she does, have earned that. 

She almost laughs, honestly. There's a little 'snrk,' and a half-smile. Maybe a slightly sad one. "You sound just like me. Whatever you did? At this point, I don't care." 

They really did come full circle. 

"... I guess.  I just mean-- this, specifically. You could've died, 'cause I went and pulled a stupid stunt and set this all off in the first place."  

She feels guilty for it. (...Well, probably. God knows what emotions she's feeling, she's bad at categorizing them. She just knows it feels bad.)

He rolls his eyes, and it reads as almost slightly affectionate rather than bitchy.

This is just... how they are, huh? Like her, he has such a hard time believing that there’s anyone like him out there. And yet.. here she is. Right next to him.

Robbie sighs.

“Least my assassin was shitty. Been worse before.”

Another drag on the rapidly shrinking cigarette.

“ ‘S okay. I’m still here.” In more ways than one. /:

They're just a little bit too similar, huh. It's weird-- there are some people she's met that are very similar to her-- but she kind of hates all of them. It's not that way with him, though.

"... Implying... you've had other people try to take you out? There a story there?"

Her cigarette's done, now, and she's moving to crush it into the ashtray on one of the porch table things.

"...I'm glad you are." Even if she's guilty, and she feels kind of bad about it... It's sorta nice. ...Is that selfish? Maybe. But... He's here because he wants to be.
It's just nice to not be so alone, she guesses.

“Mm, wouldn’t you like to know.”

It’s odd, how much Robbie finds himself enjoying her company despite the fact that they’re mostly things he absolutely loathes about himself.

After another few moments, he’ll do the same.

...

“...Mise freisin.” He can’t think of anything else to respond to that with, honestly.

“Wanna go back inside?”

"I would. That's why I asked." It doesn't really matter, either way, but she's curious.

Yeah, same goes for her. There's some things she can't stand about herself that makes her hate other people with those traits. But maybe she just relates to him? Which is weird-- it's not something she can often do. She isn't complaining, though.

"Oh, come on! You know the Google Translate app does have voice recording, right? Not on computers, but on the phones." >:P. She'll figure out what he's saying eventually.

"... But... yeah, I do. It's cold out here. Bad idea, though, if you want me to freeze to death."

She's not sure how to balance out the being vulnerable stuff with things that aren't related to that, so... She's moving back towards banter.

“Maybe someday.” By maybe, he most likely means ‘not if he can help it,’ but alas.

And he hates how easy it was.

To go from an argument back into a relatively cheerful, joking mood — even despite everything going on outside the walls of the house, despite fearing for their safety, despite him flat-out handing her information that she could so easily use to hurt him if she wanted.

( Don’t think Robbie didn’t notice that Alice didn’t say it back. Not that he expected her to, though. )

Snicker. “Not for that, though. I’ve got the high ground, Wonderland.”

Taking another look towards the yard.

“—Letting you freeze to death’s too feckin’ easy. Let’s go in.”

A little laugh. "Maybe."

... She would've. But she's really not sure how she feels. She's considered Fel her best friend for... God, how long has it been now? Years. And she's just a little bit in love with her. Felicity's probably her favorite person in the world. She'd do absolutely anything in the world for her.

... But she might even be closer to Robbie. Even though Felicity still kind of fills the role of 'favorite person,' and all... Robbie gets her, underneath all the fake smiles, and stuff. She feels... A little less like she needs to hide. Who's really her best friend? Would she do the same for Robbie..? She can't tell.

A nod, and she's taking his hand to lead the way back in. "Don't worry. I'll lock everything up behind us." And in she goes, dragging him along with her.

Rare as it is to see when he’s not causing chaos, a grin finds its way across his features for a moment or two.

That’s okay. Robbie doesn’t expect anything from her, really. He’s aware that he’s not usually someone who’s easy to get along with by any means.

But he kind of understands that. The situation’s pretty different, of course, but she has Felicity and he has Lila. Somehow, though, for some reason, they just... also have each other.

He sputters for a brief second or two, nearly tripping over his feet before allowing himself to be dragged back into the house.

Robbie could let go of her, but he doesn’t.

Yeah, she smiles, too. Maybe he's not exactly her 'best friend,' but they're here, and that's really what matters, isn't it? Or maybe she's just thinking that so she won't feel so guilty... 

"We'd probably better start getting stuff ready to go soon, huh?" 

They have a lot of stuff to prepare so they can get the hell out of here. Might as well get a head start before they leave tomorrow.