Drifting

A gentle breeze floated across the dusty plains. The sparse greenery on the erratically grown trees rustled in the wind, knocking free a loosely-held leaf, crisp and brown on its edges. Fluttering to the ground, it landed on the face of an octoling lying beneath the tree. Roused by the sensation, his eye twitched. A moment later, both blearily blinked open, and he sat up, surveying his surroundings and flinching at the splitting pain in his head, exacerbated by blood rush at his sudden movement.

Where am I? He didn’t recognise this place. In the distance he could see a large wall. How did I get here?

He couldn’t see anything else but dust, rocks and dry, bent trees, and a backpack lying next to him. Standing, he took the backpack and made his way towards the wall. As he walked, he tried to remember what had happened to leave him out here in the middle of nowhere – only to realise his memory was completely blank. He couldn’t recall what he’d done to get here – or what he’d done in any of his life up to this point. He couldn’t even remember his name.

As he drew near to the wall, he realised there was barbed wire across the top, an extra precaution against anyone who might try to scale it. Looking down the wall, it stretched out in both directions uniformly, with no sign of any way to get through. Unsure what to do, he idly wandered along it. As he ambled he took the backpack and opened it. Most of the space was taken up by an ink tank and a pair of dualies, but conspicuously stuffed next to them was a pair of wire cutters. Had he come from the other side of this wall?

Putting on the ink tank, he connected the dualies and painted a trail of dark blue ink up the wall. Swimming up, he had to hang off the top as he pulled the wire cutters out, awkwardly pulling himself up as he cut a clear spot through the barbs. Hauling himself up onto the wall, he looked out over the other side. More dust and rocks spread out before him, but it gave way to greener pastures, and far off he could see a city. Shooting a puddle to land in, he hopped down from the wall and started making his way towards it. As he shoved his belongings back into the backpack, he spotted a wallet at the bottom of it. If that has ID in it then at least I can know my name. He opened it, taking out one of the cards in it. Reading it blankly, he felt... Unsettled. There was a name there, but he had a strong feeling it wasn’t his one. Maybe this wasn’t his? He didn’t recognise the person in the picture, but he didn’t exactly remember what he looked like. If it wasn’t his, though, what kind of person was he, walking around with wire cutters and other people’s wallets?

He was startled by a sudden buzzing in his pocket. The source was a phone, and he pulled it out. Someone was ringing him, and it was an unrecognised number. Curious, he answered it.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this River Young?”

I have no idea. 'Young’ matched the name on the ID, though. “Yeah.”

“Hi, I’m George Freemason, I'm calling from Leach, I’ve got your application here. Are you free to talk?”

Application? Like, for a job? “Uh...” He wasn’t sure he was in the right state for job talking, disoriented as he was. “Right now I’m a bit busy, is there any chance you could call me back tomorrow?”

“Sure, of course. What time suits you?”

Do I have a daily schedule? When am I free? Drawing a blank, he opted to say the first thing that came to mind. “First thing in the morning would be good.”

“All right, I’ll call you up again at 9 am then?”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks.”

“Gotcha. Speak to you then, have a good day!”

“You too.”

A dull beep sounded as the call was ended.

Well, maybe that’s my name? River? Looking at the phone in his hand, he realised it might be helpful. Opening the inner camera, he realised the photo on the ID was indeed him, although that didn’t explain the name discrepancy. He flicked through the menu, opening the recent messages. The top-most conversation was one with “precious p”. He idly wondered if all his contacts were nicknames as he opened it.

Oh no. It was incredibly saccharine. If this was anything to go by, he had a girlfriend, and he remembered nothing about her. That was not a good situation. He sure hoped this whole memory issue would be over soon. He hoped very hard.

He went back through the other messages as he walked, reading through. A conversation with “Funky Franc” indicated that yes, River - surrounded by a lot of ‘bro’ and ‘dude’ - was what people called him.

“Hey! Didn’t expect to see anyone out here. Whatcha doin'?”

Startled, he looked up to see another octoling. She wore a dark green coat with fur lining, maroon leggings, and green ghillie boots. A branded baseball cap sat atop her head with an orange ponytail peeking out of the back. He blinked a couple times, uncertain.

“Uhh... No idea, honestly.”

“Oh. It’s pretty far from the city for just wandering around.”

“...Yeah,” River agreed. A fresh surge of ache tore through his head, and he flinched.

“Hey, are you okay?”

River squinted, leering at his pain as if it might be intimidated and shy away. “...I don’t really... know. I can’t remember anything...”

“Gosh, what?! Like, amnesia? I thought that only happened in movies 'n stuff. Um, you should probably see a doctor.”

“Guess so...” He looked down tiredly. That meant finding a hospital or something.

“Are you... Gonna be okay on your own? You look pretty rough.”

River was silent for a while. He didn’t know this person, but it was true that he wasn’t exactly in a good state. “I don’t know...”

“’Kay! I can help. I’m not doing much anyway, I can take you to the hospital. I know the way. I’m Shari, by the way.”

“Thanks. I'm River. ...I think.”

Shari turned to lead the way back to the city, which was looking markedly closer than when River had first seen it from the wall. What had he been doing out here?

“So, do you remember, like... Anything?” Shari asked.

“Not really. I only got my name from looking through my phone.”

“So you don’t even know why you came so far out here?”

“Not a clue.” River winced as another ache wracked his head. “Can we... Not talk? My head feels like it’s splitting.”

“Sure, gotcha.”

She nodded and walked ahead, leading the way. He followed, phone still in hand. Should he text this precious p person and let her know what happened? Should he leave it and hope things cleared up quickly and it wouldn’t matter? Would he be worrying her unnecessarily?

He groaned quietly to himself. His head hurt too much for thinking about things. Ignoring it for now, they walked on in silence for a while, then River jumped as the phone in his hand buzzed. The notification on the screen showed a new text.

precious p: You going out job hunting again today? x

Oh no. He stared at the screen, almost walking into Shari as she paused to turn a corner, having arrived in more urban scenery.

“Oh, sorry,” he muttered absently as he followed.

“No prob. It’s not too far now.”

He didn’t notice as she fell back to walk alongside him, watching as he stared indecisively at the text. “What’s up?”

Startled, he jumped. “Flip. Didn’t see you there. Uh.” He looked up, collecting himself. “I… think I have a girlfriend. But I can’t remember anything. How’m I meant to talk to her like this?”

Shari was contemplative for a moment. “That does sound a bit awkward, but just explain to her what happened, it’ll be fine, I’m sure!”

River was dubious for a moment. Would it really be that simple? He sighed. Well, honesty was important with these kinds of things, right? “Yeah. I guess so.”

something happened and now i cant remember stuff.

headed to the hospital to get it checked out. not alone, found someone who offered to help

He nervously pocketed the phone again. A futile gesture, as it went off again in barely a moment, and he fished it out again.

precious p: The hospital?? Are you okay???

precious p: Which one?? I’ll come meet you

“Which hospital are we going to?”

“St Sharkus,” Shari replied. “On Rockwell Road.”

st. sharkus, rockwell road

i really cant remember stuff at all though……

precious p: I’m on my way

precious p: What can’t you remember?

River let out a little distressed whine. He tried typing up the answer, multiple times, but hitting that send button seemed so damn difficult. As the seconds ticked by he was painfully aware of how long it was taking him to respond. The phone buzzed with an incoming text once more while he hovered over it.

precious p: Do you mean you’ve forgotten about me?

The octoling bit his lip, deleting the message he’d failed to send.

yeah

im sorry.

He stared down at the phone as he waited for a reply. She seemed to be more on the ball than him, as it didn’t take long.

precious p: Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. I’ll be there in about half an hour, we can talk about it properly then, okay?

ok.

see u then

precious p: See you soon. Xx

He returned his phone to his pocket, looking up to see the hospital building just in front of them.

“So? All okay?” Shari asked.

“Yeah, I think. She’s on her way, she said she’ll be half an hour.”

“Cool. Walk-in centre’s that way.”

The wait to be seen wasn’t long. Shari sat on a bench nearby as a nurse inspected River’s head for physical damage that lingered, asking various questions about how it happened, what he remembered, how was he feeling etc.

“There’s no bruising or evidence of damage. It does sound like you have a concussion though, so you’ll have to stay here a while – if it worsens you might need more attention. Lie down and rest for a while, see how you feel. We’ll check up on you again later, if you find yourself feeling worse or need anything let one of us know, there should be nurses walking through pretty often.”

River nodded, lying down as instructed. “Any idea on... What’ll happen with my memories?”

“It’s normal to be disoriented when concussed, though I’m not sure it often is to this extent. If it is just the concussion you’ll be fine once you recover.”

The nurse left, and River closed his eyes. His head wasn’t thumping quite so painfully any more, but he still felt rough and wished he could block off his senses.

“You alright there?” Shari asked quietly.

“Mm-hmm... As much as I could be right now, I guess.”

“You look pretty uncomfortable...”

“...Yeah.” River didn’t elaborate, unsure how to describe his feelings. Things hurt and everything was stressful and overwhelming. He hoped his brain would get back in gear soon. “Don’t feel like you have to stick around or anything...”

“Naw, it’s fine. I haven’t got plans anyway, and it’s not my style to leave a cute guy in need.”

If River’s eyes hadn’t been closed, they would have narrowed. Is she being flirty even when she knows I presumably have a girlfriend or is she just unabashedly honest or something? He said nothing for a moment, unable to concentrate enough to decide how he felt about that. Whatever. “Thanks, I guess.”

Shari snorted, laughing. “You guess? Gosh, and after I go to the effort of making sure you got out of the wilderness safely.”

River let out a tired huff, rolling over. He didn’t feel functional enough for banter. “’M gonna nap.”

Shari wasn’t bothered, if her cheery tone was anything to go by. “Alright, sleeping beauty.”

Drifting, River let his consciousness wander, not able to fall asleep properly but not willing to be truly awake. He felt apprehensive, nervous. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted whoever was on the other end of the text conversation to arrive already so it could be done with sooner or never arrive at all so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. But what would he do in that case? He didn’t even remember where he lived. He didn’t have much to go on about himself at this point, and it seemed as good a lead as any. He wasn’t really sure what to expect, but he didn’t think there was really anything good about one’s significant other forgetting everything.

He was about to wonder vaguely if maybe he got the wrong end of the stick and that wouldn’t even be the case in the first place when he heard quick steps approaching.

“River! Are you- oh, is he asleep?”

Opening his eyes, River shifted, sitting up as he looked at the octoling guest. As he feared, he didn’t recognise her at all. Realising he was awake, she smiled, relieved.

“Are you alright?”

“Uh. Head still hurts... still don’t remember anything.” He looked away awkwardly, missing how her smile fell. I don’t even know your name.

“Right... What did the doctor say about it?”

“They just said to rest and they’ll come check up later.”

“Okay... Well, at the very least I’m here now. It’s good to see you aren’t hurt otherwise.”

River heard how her tone had changed, solemn. He looked up at her again to see her watching him, her expression unfathomable. Behind her, Shari was staring.

“Oh yeah, that’s Shari, she brought me here,” River said, gesturing at her. Shari seemed to jump slightly as the other girl turned to look at her.

“Uh, yeah! Nice to meetcha!”

“Shari. Thanks so much for taking care of River. I’m Patricia, it’s my pleasure.”

Patricia. Okay. That’s something. River made a quick note of the name as Patricia ruffled through the bag she had with her, pulling out a notepad and quickly scribbling something down before tearing off the page and handing it to Shari.

“Really, thank you. Here’s my number, if there’s anything I can ever help you with, don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Uh, okay,” Shari said, pocketing the paper. “I mean, it’s no biggy, I wasn’t about to just leave him on his own.”

“Even so. You helped, that’s what matters,” Patricia said, then snickering slightly. “And if he’s acting anything like he usually does, he probably hasn’t thanked you properly himself.”

Rude! River thought indignantly, though it was true. Shari laughed.

“Yeah, he vaguely tried, I guess.”

Patricia smiled, looking back at River fondly. He had narrowed his eyes, scrutinising the pair of them. “Leave me alone, my head ain’t working, alright?” he muttered.

“Memories or not, you still seem like my River,” Patricia said, ruffling his hair.

Grumbling, River lay down again, retreating under the thin sheet provided. Well, at least this wasn’t as catastrophic as some of his thoughts had imagined. Although he wasn’t sure what he felt about Patricia. He wasn’t sure of anything, really. Should he be fine with her affection? He couldn’t really tell if he was or not.

“’Kay, well, now someone else is here, I’m gonna bounce,” Shari said, standing. “Nice to meet the both of ya, maybe I’ll see you around.”

“You too. Thanks again,” Patricia said, waving.

“Hope you’re alright soon, River!”

He emerged from beneath the sheet in time to wave as she left. When he glanced at Patricia she was wearing that unreadable mask again. She stared out the window, leaving the room quiet for a while before she finally spoke.

“So... You really don’t remember me at all, do you?”

River’s voice caught in his throat. Everything about this whole situation was just so awkward and uncomfortable and he wondered why this had to happen.

“...I'm sorry,” he said weakly.

“It’s not your fault,” Patricia replied, but it wasn’t reassuring, wasn’t comforting. It was just spoken as a blank statement of a fact.

The silence between them hung heavily. River searched for something to say, but he had nothing to go on, and the longer the quiet wore on the smaller he felt. He didn’t know who she was, he didn’t know who anyone was or what anything was meant to be like or even what he was meant to be like. He was adrift in a sea of uncertainty with no compass to point the way. It was a heavy feeling, pressing on his chest and tightening his lungs.

The quiet was eventually interrupted by the return of the nurse.

“How are you feeling?”

“My head doesn’t hurt as much, but I still don’t remember anything,” River said quietly, shakily sitting up.

“That really is unusual,” he remarked. “It might be worth doing a scan. I’ll get one of the doctors to come and see you.”

With that, he left again. River watched him go, idly staring after the space he’d occupied before. He was almost afraid to look at Patricia again, nervous about her sudden quiet mood. Should he say something? The tightness in his throat left him feeling like he couldn’t. It seemed a miracle he’d even answered the nurse. Apprehensive, a shiver tore through him, and he found himself trembling. It wasn’t cold.

“River?”

He jumped slightly, turning to look up at Patricia. Her tone seemed surprised as well, as if she were caught off guard, and her expression was one of shock. He found himself unable to reply, his voice catching on a lump as he continued to shiver.

“Hey... Hey, it’s going to be fine, okay? I’m here,” she said gently, slowly approaching the bed and sitting down next to him, watching him carefully. She opened her arms, offering a hug.

He couldn’t respond. He stared at her for a moment, unsure, but soon leaned in to her embrace. He might not know a thing about her, but he needed... Something. Some kind of support.

She pulled him in gently, and he weakly wrapped his arms around her in return. Tears stung at his eyes and he hid his face against her shirt, letting the fabric absorb them. He felt her bring one hand to his head, soothingly stroking his hair. He sniffed, pressing himself into her hold. She smelt of strawberries and mint, and it was comforting. He hadn’t realised just how tense he had become but he slowly relaxed, the shaking subsiding as he calmed. He felt her steady breathing and focused on slowing his own until they matched.

“...Thanks,” he eventually murmured, but didn’t move. He appreciated the contact, the warmth.

“I’ve got you,” Patricia reassured him. “Whatever this is, I’ve got you.”

They stayed as they were for a while, River reluctant to feel so alone and uncertain again. At least she’s not mad or anything. When they did pull away from each other, Patricia brought her hands to his cheeks, holding his face and his gaze.

“You can rely on me, okay? Even if you’ve forgotten everything, I haven’t, and I know I love you. So... Don’t be afraid to lean on me, alright?”

River felt tears rise again – though this time of a different nature – and nodded. “Thanks,” he repeated, his voice wobbling slightly.

Patricia leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to his forehead, then sat back, taking his hand in hers and giving it a light squeeze. He still wasn’t entirely sure how he felt yet, but the contact was comforting, and she clearly cared about him. He figured he must trust her to at least some extent, for her to have been able to calm him down.

It was then that the doctor arrived, a tall king crab with a willowy sort of figure. “Hi, I’m Doctor Pugil. My colleague tells me you have an unusual case of amnesia. What exactly do you remember and what don’t you?”

River shifted nervously. “I... don’t remember anything. I can’t remember my name, or what I’ve been doing, or how this happened, or... any of my life up to this point.”

Pugil blinked softly. “That is unusual.”

“Is it?” Patricia asked. “I thought that’s just what amnesia was.”

“In books and movies, perhaps, but in real life, it doesn’t work that way,” Pugil explained. “There are two types of amnesia – retrograde and anteretrograde – the former is inability to retrieve memories before a certain point, but never removes all memories, and people still know who they are, just not what they did in that time. Anteretrograde is the inability to form new memories. Neither describes what’s happened here.” She paused to think briefly. “I’d like to run an MRI scan. Wait here, I’ll see if we can get you booked in today.”

She walked away, and River wondered what time it was, if there was time left in the day to try and fit that in. Checking his phone, he saw it was almost noon. How long had he been under that tree? Had he gone there first thing this morning? It had taken about an hour to get back to the city from there.

“When was the last time you saw me?” he asked, looking to Patricia.

“Yesterday, after work but before I left for Zara's party, so around 6:30.”

Work, huh. “That reminds me... I got a call from someone earlier about a job application. I didn’t really know what to say, though, so I asked them to call me back.”

“Oh! That’s great news!” Patricia emphasised her words with a smile, squeezing his hand again. “Maybe by the time they call back you’ll be back to normal.”

A sinking feeling filled River’s stomach. He didn’t feel particularly optimistic about that. “What if I’m not? I don’t even know what I applied for. His name was... George... Something?”

Patricia thought for a while, perplexed. “Well... I know you were applying for a bunch of lab jobs... Did he say what company he called from? If you can find out the company background that’ll help.”

River thought. What had the company name been? He hadn’t really been paying too much attention, too distracted by trying to figure out what to do. “Don’t remember. Maybe I’ll try looking up the number later.”

“Good idea.”

The doctor returned shortly, informing them she’d been able to get one of the scanners ready there and then. The machine hummed eerily as River had to lay inside it, trying to remain still. It was a little chilly without his birded jacket, removed alongside his choker and the contents of his pockets due to the metal, and though it wasn’t enough to be shivering from cold it combined with the claustrophobia of the machine to send a chill down his back that he had to fight not to wriggle off. When the scan was done, he was quick to reapply the jacket, shrugging it on as he followed Doctor Pugil to a computer displaying the scans.

“So we’re focusing on the medial temporal lobe, which is this area here, and the hippocampus, here. Both look to be functioning just fine, there’s no evidence of damage anywhere. There are a few other areas of the brain associated with memory too, but they all look normal. Since there’s no damage anywhere it doesn’t look like it’s a result of trauma, but... I really can’t see what could have caused it, or what’s really happened. Everything looks healthy and fine,” she said, frowning, and he could hear a slight frustration grow in her voice as she went on.

“Is there any chance of my memories coming back?”

Pugil sighed. “I don’t know. I’ve not seen or heard of anything like this. I’m not sure what to suggest.”

River sighed a little too, dejected.

“I suppose for now just go home. I’ll see if I can get in touch with any specialists, and if anything comes of it we’ll let you know.”

“Right...”

She went quiet, and he supposed she was done so began walking to the door, only to hear her speak up again.

“I am by no means an expert in this area, but... Looking at these, I’m not sure there’s much chance. Of your memories returning, that is. If only because there’s no apparent problem here, so there’s no obvious way to bring things back to normal, if everything is already looking normal.”

River mulled over her words for a moment, looking down. “...Yeah. I got that feeling.”

“So what did the doctor say?”

River let out a small sigh, walking alongside Patricia through the hospital grounds. “There’s nothing obviously wrong, so there’s nothing they can do.”

               “Give it time. It might be fine in a day or so.”

“I... really don’t think that’s the case...”

“Don’t be so pessimistic. Everything will be all right, just wait and see.”

River quietly wondered how she could believe that, or if she really did – her tone felt flat, despite her words. “Do you have any idea what I was doing before?”

“No. I didn’t see you this morning, so I figured you’d gone out for a walk.”

“Where are we going?”

“Home,” Patricia replied, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You should get some rest, right?”

“I guess.”

He felt her hand drift down his arm. Unsure how to respond, he shifted, pulling away slightly. “Um. I, uh... ugh. I don’t know what I’m doing,” he muttered, frustrated at his inability to word his feelings. “I think, um. Maybe, right now, I might, need some space.”

“Oh.” Patricia took the hint, letting him move from her touch and not trying to reassert it. “I... see.”

“...Sorry,” he mumbled, looking aside. “It’s just that, um... You’re kind of a stranger to me right now...”

“...Right.”

They walked on in silence for a while, River following Patricia’s lead. Soon, though, he heard her sniff, and when he looked up he saw she was fighting tears. A fearful feeling rose in him, and he felt an uncomfortable chill in his chest.

“S-sorry,” he repeated weakly.

Patricia said nothing, shaking her head as she tried ardently to keep the rogue moisture from wetting her cheeks.

He wanted to do something, but what? “...Hug?” he offered.

“Please,” she whispered, barely pushing the word out.

He wrapped his arms around her, and she clung tightly to him in response. You still sure everything'll be fine? Worry festered in River’s chest as he rubbed her back, hoping it would be reassuring. She was the only link he had to whoever he was, but that connection was severely strained given the circumstances. What a mess.

Patricia sniffed again, fighting to contain herself. “It’s not your fault,” she said, voice shaky. “I know that, but...” She trailed off, hiccuping.

“But this still sucks,” River finished.

“...Well, yes.” She nodded against him, and he felt a silent tremor as she failed to suppress another hiccup.

“Yeah,” he agreed quietly.

They were still for a moment, until Patricia eventually loosened her hold, straightening up and wiping her eyes on her sleeve. River looked up at her uncertainly, wondering if she was really okay yet. He tentatively reached to take her hand in his own, squeezing it gently.

“I… know I just said about space, but…” He trailed off, not quite sure how to put his feelings into words, glancing aside and narrowing his eyes as he struggled to express himself. “Uh… I dunno. This is… I dunno.”

He felt Patricia squeeze his hand in return and looked to her again, and while her face was still coloured from crying, her next sniff was accompanied by a smile. “…River,” she said, with such emotion poured into that one word. “…Don’t worry, I understand.” The smile fell away as she wiped at her face again, drying the last of her tears. “I won’t push anything on you.”

“What about you…?” River asked dubiously. “I… This must really suck for you… I mean, it seems like we were real close and now you just… don’t have that. It’s not fair for it to just be gone…”

“Life isn’t fair sometimes,” Patricia replied, and there was a certain fierceness in her voice now. “I will not have you putting yourself out of comfort because of it. Don’t you dare ignore your own needs, River.”

“Uh…” Her stern gaze had him feeling like a sea bunny in the headlights. “I, um. Okay.”

“Good.” She quickly softened, squeezing his hand again. “This is… fine. I mean, it’s not ideal, but we can handle it, alright? After everything we’ve been through together, it’s just one more little bump in the road. If we’re lucky, your memories will come back in a little while anyway, and it’ll be all done with. If not… You’re still acting like the same person. You still are the same person. So… We’ll work through this. We always do.”

Everything we’ve been through? He didn’t have a clue what that was, but if they had a history dealing with difficulties together, maybe it could be alright, in the end. Maybe…

“You can rely on me,” Patricia said gently, looking down at him with a heartfelt expression. “Even if you don’t remember… we’ve always had each other’s backs. So please don’t be afraid to lean on me. I’ll be whatever you need right now.”

He held her gaze, unsure what to say, but the sincerity with which she spoke held up, and her words helped to relieve some of the uncertainty gripping him. Unable to voice his feelings, he opted to speak through actions instead, stepping closer to her and leaning against her slightly. He felt her squeeze his hand again, heard her voice a moment later.

“Shall we get home, then?”

“Yeah.”

They began walking and he kept his hand in hers, not drawing away this time. It felt comforting, now. He still felt lost, but no longer like he had nothing to guide him. Things may be imperfect between them, but she was there for him – and he’d do his best to be there for her, too.