A yearning for contact yawned within him

She watched Brutus as if the creature had hung the moon. Hyun badgered hir with endless chatter for hope of single phrase bringing praise. A small quirk of hir lips. A huffed, barely heard chuckle. A twitch of hir brows, any recognition really.

When Brutus told her of spells and incantations in hir gravelly drawl, she listened, tail swaying in thought, gaze following the movements of Brutus’s black nailed hands.

She asked why xe painted them if xe couldn’t see, interrupting Brutus midsentence – then quickly stumbled over an apology. It was a terribly dumb question, ignore it please. Hyun shielded the burning of her ears with her characteristic grating cackle.

Brutus had stilled, hir unseeing gaze tilted towards the sound of Hyun’s voice. 

Xe drew the pads of hir fingers over the glossy ebony of her nails. Strands of tan hair fell over hir eyes. Beneath them, hir sclera gold. Hir iris pale blue. Pupil scarlet.

Because I like to, xe answered simply.

Hyun pondered that for a moment, then said,

Xe would, being emo and edgy and all that.

A laugh burst from Brutus, and xe held her stomach as she doubled over, one hand balancing hemself on the desk. 

A grin split across Hyun’s face as well, her laughter joining Brutus’s. More than that, her chest felt as though it had sparked with light. A surprised, jittery warmth spread through her veins at Brutus’s amusement. Amusement that she had created, that she was responsible for.

It was a feeling she soon learned to chase. 

Each time she managed to reach it, her longing for it only multiplied. Yet this brightness was nearly always overshadowed by the swell of doubts that followed. Cold thoughts that seeped into Hyun and twisted and swirled menacingly in the back of her mind no matter how stubbornly she tried to smile through them.

Brutus was so much to him. 

Much more than Hyun was to her. Brutus was his mentor, Hyun still doesn’t know how he managed to make that happen, or why Brutus had even offered it. Brutus was a hokking badass, the coolest magician ever – and she was common-born like Hyun! Brutus gave him a place to stay, a home. Brutus put a blanket on him when he fell asleep studying at his desk. Brutus remembered that he hates red peppershrooms, the awful vegetable. Brutus knew how to reel him in when he was being too much, but never yelled at him when he was genuinely frustrated or confused.

What was Hyun to Brutus? 

The obnoxiously talkative orphan kid that she accidentally got stuck with? Her apprentice, who was overall mediocre at magic regardless of all the work Brutus had put into him? The kid who sucked up her time and occupied her home and hardly ever managed to remember to clean the dishes even when Brutus reminded him, even when he promised he would.

Undeniably, Brutus would be much better off without Hyun.

So he chased that feeling, desperately.

 If he was capable of bringing anything good into Brutus’s life, by the gods, he was going to do it. Even if it made him look like a fool, especially if it made him look like a fool. Hyun couldn’t give her much, couldn’t give Brutus all that Brutus had given him, but he could give her that.

And then maybe, maybe Hyun would stop holding his breath. Maybe those little instances of joy would be enough. Maybe Brutus wouldn’t inevitably get sick of him. Maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t leave.

Hyun had never had anyone stay. Not long enough for her to drop her walls and get attached, anyway.

She wouldn’t make it if Brutus left now. 

She was sure of that. Deep within her, the thought sat. 

Solid and unwavering. 

it terrified her.

It made every returned instance of joy that much more excruciating. No  – excruciating wasn’t the right word, not at all. But it was burning, and the best thing ever all at once. Overwhelming, almost. Which Hyun would admit was a little pathetic.

For one, she soaked up every stray touch like a sponge. 

When they were walking around the manor, and Brutus accidentally brushed against her. An arm bumped into her own, the thin cloth of Brutus’s shirt leaking warmth. 

The brief moment of contact left Hyun’s breath stuttering, and she struggled to not purposefully lean closer to the older creature, tried to act like she had had a completely normal response to being touched instead of the one that she had.

After a couple minutes had passed, Brutus said she was being quiet.

Hyun puffed out her chest, said that she was a big creature with big, HUMONGOUS thoughts. So big, sometimes she couldn’t speak them aloud because normal creatures just couldn’t comprehend them, so there wasn’t much point really.

Brutus huffed, a cloud of frosted air puffing in front of her.

Another instance:

A heated hand that clasped Hyun’s wrist. Although the touch wasn’t tight in an unkind way, and she understood that Brutus was just trying to lead her somewhere, Hyun flinched, hard.

Memories of less kind touches screeched at her senses. When she had received a sharp slap after reaching for food, reaching for comfort. An accidental shatter of glass, nails digging into the tender skin of her underarm in retaliation. They saw her wings, they ripped out her feathers they pulled. Rain. Rain. It never stopped raining in Serds’ad. It was a cold that sunk into her bones.

Brutus let go of her. Stilled as she realized what happened. Apologized, brows furrowed slightly.

It’s fine, Hyun mumbled. And ignored the nauseous thumping of her pulse. 

She followed after Brutus, and pointedly noticed all the times where Brutus’s hands twitched, thinking about reaching out to her, then didn’t. As much as she yearned for it, her skin felt prickly at the mere thought.

Still, a ring of fire circled Hyun’s wrist, the ghost of Brutus’s touch. Her heart ached.

At night, Hyun would huddle under the covers and press her fingertips into the flesh of her sides. Indent pitiful crescent moons into her ribs. Imagine that it wasn’t her own hands holding her. 

Rain drummed against the window. And she remembered why she wasn’t allowed touch. The faint slits on the back of her shoulders, where her wings came out, stung with the reminder. Hokk rain. She hokking hated rain. 

She gazed at the droplets making lines down the darkened glass, numb. Pretending to be numb. 

So long as she had her wings, touch would be out of reach. 

Her back stung.

There was one moment that Hyun both detested and adored thinking of.

 It was truly awful, absolutely horrifically embarrassing, and she was endlessly glad that it had happened.

Hyun was sick. Even huge powerful creatures got sick and all. Actually, she was rather injured, but it’s easier to admit you’re feeling a little under the weather than that the local Pyridekk assholes may have kicked your ribs in just a bit. Brutus had told her not to get into trouble, yet somehow it always found her.

Lucky for her, Brutus could not see her scratched cheeks or split lip. And she had gotten worse beatings before, she was fine. She could take care of herself. She always had.

That didn’t stop her from miss-stepping and ramming her bruised ribs into their kitchen counter. 

She gasped, vision blurring as her legs buckled at the sudden flare of pain. 

Her knees hit the tiled floor, her leg bones jolting at the harsh contact. With one hand, she steadied herself on the cool surface. The other clutched at her throbbing, burning side. She breathed, she tried to breathe. Her chest felt pinched. Her ears rung.

She screwed her eyes shut. 

Wait it out, she just had to wait it out. Ignore her tear ducts begging for release, crying would only remind her how much the rest of her hurt. She would crumble. She could not afford to crumble. She could take care of herself, she always had.

A concerned voice made it through her pain muddled senses. The vibrations of someone coming towards her. All of her stiffened until, 

Gentle.

A hand met her shoulder, so soft and so carefully.

Hyun momentarily forgot her pain, attention so focused on the sensation. The weight of warmth on her skin. Then just as quickly, it was gone. Hopefully it wasn’t obvious how far her heart sunk in her chest.

Brutus was saying something. She tuned back into reality.

“… un… talk to…what’s wrong – gods did you hit your head? I’m sorry, I know you don’t like being touched but I can’t see what’s wrong, so you have to tell me, Hyun, please.”

Brutus kept talking but Hyun didn’t hear the rest of it. The older creature’s words had shot through her like a spear. 

I know you don’t like being touched.

Something deep within her boiled, weeped.

She didn’t know whether to be offended or infuriated, so she settled on anguished – because it couldn’t have been more untrue. Had she made it seem that way, that she didn’t like to be touched? 

Much more often than she would like to admit, she revisited the times Brutus had spared her a kind touch. Trying to figure out how to replicate it, if she could replicate it. Pathetic. She knew it was pathetic, and having Brutus think she wanted the opposite somehow made it even worse. Made it hurt.

Voice already broken, Hyun blurted out, “I like being touched.”

And despite her best efforts, hot, desperate tears rolled down her cheeks. Through her blurred vision, she saw Brutus’s form still.

“I –I mean, that…” Deities, she had really said that. Hokk. Zeit. “I mean, not like – not in a weird way,” she amended, mortified. “But I don’t like to not be touched, I don’t dislike it, I…” She shut her eyes. 

Her skin felt too hot. A quavering hand clutched at her hair. I want it, was what she didn’t have the courage to speak aloud.

But she had already spoken too much, she always did, so she clamped down on her tongue. Brutus wanted to know how she was hurt, not what her stupid, soft heart wanted. Wanted what she couldn’t have. Wanted what she knew would backfire. Once Brutus saw her wings, once she saw her wings that would be it, all over.

And Brutus still hasn’t said anything. 

Not a single thing, while Hyun quite literally blabbered and cried on her kitchen floor.

Hyun didn’t dare look up, he knew he would break even further if he did.

“Hyun...” 

Brutus sounded wrecked, as if she was the one crying.

Hyun chanced a glance upward and his eyes widened to disks. Brutus was crying. Or not crying yet, but her eyes suspiciously shiny. What the hokk.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Hyun panicked, his gut-response itching him to apologize. His back stung. Blistered.

Brutus shook her head, looking as if Hyun’s apology had only worsened everything, actually. “Hyun, no no – you’ve nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all. Can I please – may I hug you?”

He stared. Hyun’s pulse quickened, a fragile but excited flutter. 

Yet his back screamed. Rain, you remember the rain. You’re deceiving her. She doesn’t know, and once she knows-

Yet a yearning for contact yawned within him as well, hot in his veins, more powerful and reckless than anything else. A hug? He couldn’t remember who had last hugged him.

Yet – his wings, she doesn’t know she can’t know now she can’t ever know

He hummed a yes.

Slowly, gently, Brutus gathered Hyun in her arms. 

Instinctively, Hyun tensed. His body was still fearful of contact no matter how much his heart longed for it. Then he felt Brutus’s strong, warm arms pressing hesitantly against his sides. Against his back. Holding him.

His back. His back. 

It was hot, it burned, but in a good way. Each pad of Brutus’s fingers felt like a brand. A kind burn. Not broken feathers or clawing nails or forceful, choking grips.

Without warning, a sob ripped from his throat.

His hands reached forward and clutched the fabric of Brutus’s shirt. Heat seeped through the cottony material into his skin. Hugging another creature, another living being, was infinitely better than hugging himself, he decided.

So he squeezed, relishing the feeling of another creature in his arms. Not just another creature, but Brutus – arguably his favorite creature.

“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Brutus only tightened her hold in response, rocking Hyun lightly. This just made Hyun want to cry harder for some reason.

Although Hyun’s bruised ribs protested against the pressure, it was a hurt he welcomed. And Brutus didn’t complain as the younger creature ducked his head into her shoulder. No, she merely rested her chin atop Hyun’s hair.

“It’s okay. It’s alright Hyun, you’re alright.”

A calloused hand shifted to cradle the back of his head, a tender, supporting touch, and Hyun felt something in him shatter. When was the last time he had been touched so carefully? With such undeniable affection? Not ever, he didn’t think.

So he leaned into it, his heart doing pathetic little flips in his chest – so achingly happy that it was actually kind of painful.

And he banished the thought of rain from his mind. Not now, he couldn’t deal with it now

And if he felt Brutus shudder against him, her chest hitching every so often with slightly uneven breathing, he didn’t comment on it. They both simply existed together for a moment, Brutus murmuring sweet nothings all the while.

Slowly, Hyun’s eyes dried, her sobbing calmed. lightened into occasional sniffling and tear-dampened, sticky cheeks.

Brutus’s hand was still rubbing tiny circles into her shoulder blades. In the near-silence, she could hear the howling of the wind outside.

Her ribs still ached. And she was starting to sweat, she realized, almost uncomfortably hot within the furnace of Brutus’s arms, but she didn’t want to move. She felt safe. Small.

All the other times she wasn’t able to enjoy Brutus’s stray touches. They were all accidental, fleeting. But now,

Hyun buried her face further into Brutus’s shoulder. Melted, when Brutus mumbled yet another you’re okay, Hyun.

There was a loose string on the back of Brutus’s shirt that Hyun had managed to wrap around her finger. 

The pressure of it digging into her skin as she pulled on it served as an anchor as her breathing slowed to normal. Then past normal, deepening. Heat surrounded her, and her limbs were starting to feel weighted and fuzzy. Her eyelashes fluttered against Brutus’s neck where her face was still smashed against it.

The hand on her back stilled briefly. “Ah.” Brutus spoke softly. “Are you falling asleep, Hyun?” Fondness washed her voice, but strained a sliver with concern as well.

Hyun hummed.

A beat of hesitation passed.

“I want to let you sleep but… You’re hurt somewhere, aren’t you?”

She grumbled, but it came out more a whine. She’d be fine, and she was tired. Sleep now talk later.

“Hyun,” Brutus whined back and lightly shook her by her shoulders.

Hyun grumbled louder.

Brutus huffed out of her nose, the air pushing at Hyun’s hair. Gently, Brutus separated them, pushing Hyun off her enough for the smaller creature to look up at her.

Brutus found her hands and cupped them within her own. Smiled. “At least tell me what was all that about, yeah?”

Hyun didn’t know what it was, but something about how Brutus had asked that – so tenderly and genuine, had Hyun’s throat feeling tight again.

She squeezed Brutus’s hands. Her back stung. 

“Talk to me,” Brutus pleaded. “Whatever it is, I promise I won’t make fun of you for it. Or be angry, promise.”

Hyun knew that. She did, deep down she knew that.

But she also knew that the stress of having that conversation now would actually break her brain. Not now, she was already due to collapse five minutes ago. That was a conversation she would have to prepare for.

“Uhm.”

His voice was gross and nasally with crying. Brutus perked up at the sound regardless.

“I may have been, uh. Beaten up. Just a little bit,” he admitted. “My ribs are bruised, I think.”

When Hyun looked up, Brutus’s eyes had hardened to flint. Though Xe still held his hands lightly in hir own, Hyun could visibly see hir jaw clenched. 

Once upon a time, Hyun would have been scared of hir for it. To an extent, fear still needled at his heart now. But not because he was scared of Brutus, rather because him being hurt got that reaction out of hir.

Air hissed out of Brutus’s nose. 

Xe closed hir eyes for a moment, and once xe opened them, their sharpness had dulled. Not dissipated completely though, just tamped down.

“All right.” Brutus breathed. “All right, you can tell me who later, but right now I want to get you patched up. Then you can head to sleep, yeah?” Brutus patted one of Hyun’s hands, holding the other. “Deal?”

“Deal.” Hyun said, a small smile creeping onto his face.

-x-

After Brutus dragged Hyun to the healer to get her injuries taken care of (Brutus didn’t want to miss anything if xe did it hirself, and didn’t fully trust Hyun not to lie about the severity, or even existence, of some of her injuries) they returned to Brutus’s quarters.

Hyun had no arguments when Brutus ushered her to bed.

Then, an hour or two passed of Brutus trying to occupy hemself.

 Xe listened to the documents and inquiries that Renfinus had sent over, the monotone voice of the speaking-spell morphing into a drone of noise after a while. Refrained from ripping the papers to shreds.

Xe brushed Mr. Leg’s velvety fur. Played with him with one of those dangly, jingly toys for a time. Stopped hemself from clenching the wooden handle too hard.

Xe inspected the plants around hir quarters to see if they needed water. Watered the ones that did. Accidentally dug hir nails into a few leaves and left hir fingertips sticky with the liquid.

All the while, fire rolled in hir gut. 

Fire, and a guilt that felt like it was eating hir up alive.

Hyun was hir responsibility. And he had been hurt on hir watch. The presence of Hyun’s body just down the hall – though sleeping – still injured, still hurt, was a shadow in the back of hir mind.

Xe opened one of hir favorite books, croaked out the speaking-spell. While the passages would have normally interested hir, xe couldn’t focus. 

Xe cursed, running a hand through hir hair.

Knowing that doing anything else productive tonight was not going to happen, Xe found hemself in Hyun’s room. Technically hir room. Though Hyun had stolen hir bed so many times at this point that it hardly mattered.

Quietly as possible, Xe sat down on the side of the bed, hoping the fall of the mattress under hir weight wouldn’t wake up Hyun.

Xe slumped, sighing. Hir back was pressed lightly against a warm lump of blanket, Hyun under the covers. 

The small amount of contact was enough to ease the rolling of hir gut. Because it wasn’t only fire and guilt, xe realized just then. Hir pulse, which had been on the edge of frantic for the past who knows how long, now began to smooth. No, part of it, maybe the biggest part of it, was fear. 

Until just then, Brutus had never realized how truly easy it would be to lose Hyun, and the mere idea of it was paralyzing.

Xe angled hirself towards the smaller creature.

With one hand, Brutus trailed up the bed. Over the stitched quilt and the cool, smooth pillows. Found the dip in them where Hyun’s head rested. 

Gingerly, xe brushed back his hair. Smoothed down several locks that xe could tell were wildly disarray even without hir sight.

Against Brutus’s better judgement, this little creature had wormed his way into hir life, into hir heart. A heart that Brutus had thought xe’d managed to steel away. Guess not, xe smiled weakly.

Losing Hugo, hir brother, had wrecked Brutus. Still today, there was a cold, Hugo-shaped void within hir, gnawing at hir conscious. Losing him had forced hir to build up walls in order to survive, yet somehow, Hyun had managed to scale all of them.

Xe couldn’t do it again. Xe knew xe couldn’t lose another brother. 

“…utus?”

Brutus’s hand stilled. Zeit, woke him up with your idiot worrying, nice. “Shh, sorry. Go back to sleep, Hyun.” Xe lifted hir hand.

Then froze when fingers wrapped around hir arm. 

“Aaarrrm.” Hyun whined, pulling hir forward.

Brutus’s blinked. “Arm?”

Hyun whined again, high-pitched and somehow exasperated.

As Hyun dragged hir closer again, Brutus surrendered the appendage.

Both of Hyun’s arms coiled around hir own and proceeded to hug the limb to his chest (in a position that was frankly uncomfortable, but Brutus wasn’t about to complain, surprised and delighted that Hyun was comfortable enough to seek affection from hir given their previous conversation, even in his likely half-awake state).

“Brutus arm.” Hyun mumbled as explanation.

A short laugh escaped hir. “Sure is.”

The covers rustled as Hyun adjusted himself.

“You looked sad.” Hyun said.

“I’m all right,” Xe smiled. “Don't worry about it.” 

Hyun squeezed hir arm. “Nooooo.” Xe could hear him pouting. “If you get to worry ‘bout me, I get t’worry about you. S’only fair.”

Brutus’s heart melted a little bit, fondess swelling within hir.

Before xe could reply, Hyun added softly,“… And I’m gonna worry anyways, s’you should stop being stupid n’ let me. Idiot.”

Forget melted, now Brutus’s heart was absolute mush.

“Okay.” Hir chest felt tight. Xe didn’t deserve Hyun, not at all. “Alright, Hyun. I give you permission to worry about me then.”

“Good.” Hyun sounded muffled, probably had his face smushed against the pillow. “You’re less stupid now.”

“Thanks,” Brutus chuckled. “Go to sleep now, Hyun.”

With a humm, Hyun huddled closer around hir arm, and Brutus had no intentions of removing it.