Hello everyone <3

TLDR: I wanted to let anyone and everyone know that as of next week I will be going on a Semi-Hiatus for my mental health.

Official Ramblings (TW: Talking about loss of pet cats):

Happy Holidays and winter months to everyone! I debated a lot with myself about writing this, but figured its for the best that I do. The last thing I want is to worry people ^^; Around this time (late November and December) I lost 3 cats. Two of which were in the same year.

For the two cats, my precious love of my life that got me through all my parents abuse. He even drove with me across the US when I moved in with my current partner. He passed away of jaw cancer. Gosh, even as I write this now I'm starting to tear up thinking about it. He was an orange tabby named Louie. I was devastated because the cancer progressed so fast. In the span of a month and a half he had gotten so much worse, to the point were he looked like a squirrel with a mouth full of nuts. Letting him go was hard and so sudden, I was depressed for weeks after. Then I adopted another kitten, Issah, to start another bonding relationship. He was a cream colored gentle boy that loved nothing more than to cuddle with you and 'hug' your neck while he laid on your chest. He got along with our shy cat so well and even snuggled her when she let him. However, two weeks after welcoming him into our home he got really sick and suddenly passed away. We found out later he had a congenital birth defect, and it was the reason he passed so suddenly. It was very traumatic we took him to the Vet ER but he was already gone. I still wish I would of taken him to the Vet ER sooner, maybe then he could have been saved. Again, I was devastated, I felt like the grim reaper to any new cat I wanted to bond with. I barely remember that time, I would take lots of sleeping medicine just to not have to deal with reality.

Fast forward to the next year. We'd adopted two lovely, wonderful gray kittens. They were brothers and super sweet. Then in December, we realized on of the brothers, Milo, was acting unusual. He was hiding and every time we saw him it looked like he was having a hard time breathing. Two days later he was diagnosed with FIP (fluid filling his lungs making it impossible to breath). We had to say goodbye to him that day. It was also during the height of COVID, meaning we didn't even get to say goodbye, just handed him off to the vet and cried in our car.

I thought I was fine but once December hit they are all I can think about. I cry a lot thinking about them. The 'what ifs' are constantly circling around my mind. If I'm not sad I feel numb and have no energy to do anything. I miss them, I love them still. The silver lining is I have three beautiful, wonderful cats that I'm very grateful are sharing my life now but I still haven't fully healed from this loss. I'm not sure I'll ever fully recover, especially my Louie.

Anyway, dealing with these feelings and the overall depression that comes with it, means I won't be active in a lot of the communities I'm in or just messages in general. Its not because I'm mad at anyone or want to neglect my friends/communities/relationships. In fact it's the opposite. I want so desperately to make everyone happy, but realized not telling anyone what I'm going through only makes them sad/worried. I'm having a really difficult time with work and this depression/thoughts of my lost ones. I'll still be active in a select closed species or two when I have the energy, especially Lunaria.

I'll still be doing my best to finish/work on owed art, I have an art que created here: https://trello.com/b/BKUWKYjC/art-que If I missed something that I owe you/a trade you're still interested in/etc please either comment here, message me on discord, or send me a message here on toyhou.se. Thank you so much to everyone that's been extremely patient with me. I'm giving my all to give you my best, I promise.

If you'd like to cancel anything please let me know as well, and let me offer my sincerest apologizes for taking so long.

Again, Happy Holidays and happy winter months to everyone and anyone! Thank you for reading <3