You absolutely don´t have to read this. I´m just venting and ranting...
If you do read, well.. enjoy? idk. sorry I´m akward

I wish I could improve more .. or just make my art more interesting. Close to on one likes and cares about art I do of MY characters. The art I do of my own characters are usually not high detail paintings. aka the stuff I do for commissions. And this not-so-high detail, none furry stuff doesn´t interest one fucking soul out there. Others get comments on how lovely their characters are, how cool they´re written, how creative their concept is, how interesting they are and I don´t get anything along these lines.. ever. It maybe happen once in a blue moon and after a day I feel depressive again because I know nobody will tell me anything positive about my ocs in the next 507465959373 years. Don't even let me start on IRL support. I don´t have any. Nobody ever cares about anything I do and love. I often share my stuff with my mom but she doesn´t understand what OCs are, I already explained it to her several times. So of course she´s not as excited or happy about this as I am because she doesn´t understand it. But she does support my love for art which I´m grateful for.

And I hate pointing out that I get no attention on the things I truly love because some users will come to me AFTER I vented and leave comments about my ocs. I absolutely hate this so much. Come to my characters and my content naturally and because you generally want to leave something nice. Not because I was mentioning that I want feedback. I´m also not in any way happy when you do it that way. It feels like a forced piece of text you´re not genuine about.

I hate being so damn alone all the time and I´m afraid I´ll die alone.. Nobody will even notice when I´m dead. Nobody in my life loves me the way I always wanted to be loved... I have nobody. The only damn thing I got back then was being bullied by all the dudes in my school and the others I meet at events always treated me like trash a year later for no damn reason. As if I killed their pet or anything. I never received any kindness or love in my life, Only pain. physical pain, mental pain. It´s honestly no surprise to me how I get more and more socially awkward year by year. Felt more and more worthless and small. No, I´m not suicidical- at all. I´m very scared of death even. I´m scared of anything that hurts me or gives me discomfort. But on the other hand, I hope my suffering won´t last forever. I hope my life gets more positive, I hope things for once, work out for me. I don´t think I deserve the awful life I have. I really don´t. Art is the only positive thing in my life. At least.. I have that. Without art I don´t know where I would be now. And that´s a reason why it´s so important to me to get attention on my work. I don´t draw for numbers, I don´t draw to make others happy. I draw to make myself happy and to give my life a purpose and I want others to see that I exist. I want them to be interested. I want them to see my happiness and joy. Because there is not much positive I have outside this bubble.

some positive notes?

I´m more than grateful how I.. somehow got a lot people into buying my artwork. I also have this one person who tells me I´m their favorite artist and how they always frame the art they buy from me. This guy has been such a big supporter for a couple of years now. Unfortunately, they don´t really have social media, at least not active. They´re not an active follower I have on platforms x and y. But the support by buying art from me here and there means a lot to me. And I really mean that.

Not too long ago I joined the flipaclip discord server and the people on there make my depression go away. The majority of the people on this server are amateur artists and whenever I share my more "experienced artist" stuff people truly show interest and love for it. Once I also almost teared up because of it. It´s such a rare thing these days and it makes me at least, somehow feel loved. And I always genuinely enjoy the give others the same love back on their work, even if it´s beginner artwork! Usually I don´t feel like doing this. I´m just too negative and sad to give others feedback and just post and run. I hate being like that and I don´t want to come across as selfish in any way. It´s just that my sad mind can´t really put together compliments most of the time. And if I give comments, they´re genuine and I always always want them to be genuine.