Valentine’s Day at the Office

[Interviews. Everything is recorded from Neil]

Reggie: February 14th is on a weekday this year, which means it’s time for everyone’s favorite holiday. 

(Reggie holds up a bright pink card, scrawled on it is the word please. Attached is a 100$ bill)

Reggie: Ray gives out free money day. 

---

[phone footage of Security Footage of many Rays scrambling around the office, late at night. Zooms out and pans to Beatrice’s disappointed and tired face]

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Elena: It’s really annoying. Like the creep is fucking bribing us. I really hate it. 

Neil: Does HR know?

Elena: Duh. They’re getting these too

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Beatrice: I’ve definitely been hit on in much worse ways in the past so this is a tad appreciated. 

Neil: How so?

Beatrice: Think about it. You get a 100$ bill at the start of the work day, now you can actually do something on Valentine’s Day. And you had to do nothing 

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[Footage of Ray sitting perfectly still at a table in the break room, eyeing the room wildly. At the last few seconds he makes eye contact with the camera, Neil drops it in shock]

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Enedelia: I mean it’s such a pretty piece of paper, isn’t it? So firm too, watch! 

(Enedelia wiggles the paper, entranced by the wobbling sound)

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Reggie: I like to see who gets one and who doesn’t. I pretend to know exactly what it means. Just to mess with them. 

Neil: a-ah. 

[Cut to Martin seated at his desk, he looks up. Slight zoom out, see Reggie looking smug. Martin grumbles. Return to just Reggie interview]

Reggie: I have fun today.

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[Tejo, staring at his card]

Tejo: I don’t know whether to feel mocked or appreciated. 

Neil: I think you should take it as a compliment. 

Tejo: am I a sugar baby if I do?

Neil: w-wh

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Neil: Did you get a card?

Moss: Oh! Yeah, it’s pretty neat. “World’s okayest uncle”. With glitter. And 500$. 

Neil: Damn, why do you think you got 500$

Moss: …i don’t know

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[Footage of a pant leg. Like kind of pressed into it, talking is heard]

David: I get you don’t generally have such a high profile job here, but you cannot be going around bugging people like this. Get back to your desk, you’re not allowed to be recording either. You’re lucky I’m giving you a warning. 

Neil: …are you mad you didn’t get one?

David: of course I fucking got one, get out of here. 

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[Morag is holding the camera to her face, Neil is in the far background with a microphone.]

Morag: I didn’t get one. 

Neil: How does that make you feel?

Morag: I don’t care.

Neil: nice. I didn’t either. 

Morag: Ray doesn’t even know you exist

Neil: o-oh

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[Neil is zooming in on live security footage of Ray]

Beatrice: And that’s him wandering HR. Again. I know he’s not going to do anything. But I have to be ready. 

Neil: Is he really that desperate?

[Shuffling, the camera is taken from Neil]

Beatrice: my guy. You wanna ask me that again? 

[Shows live footage of a Ray sitting outside the security room]

Neil: oh my god.

---

Enedelia: -I think the process of making paper is so fun but think about the poor trees. They must feel so sad and hurt. isn’t that sad? To be cut down and slaughtered for our silly little papers and cards?

Neil: uh

Enedelia: if you were a tree, which one wouldn’t you be?

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[Footage from Neil’s lap as he wheels out from the security office. He meekly waves to Ray, who just sort of stands there.]

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Moss: ah waIT IVE GOT IT. This is from the siblings!!! Aww…

Neil: the what.

(Moss opens his mouth and closes it.)

Moss: maybe you should turn that off —

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[distant shot of Morag and Tejo eating lunch]

Tejo: I don’t want this, do you want it?

Morag: what

Tejo: feels wrong. 

Morag: it’s free money, don’t you need it for something 

Tejo: it feels weird to be someone’s sugar baby when I’d just use this money for some large man to cuddle me. 

Morag:

Morag: it’s 1 pm. Can you not.

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Elena: I like Valentine’s Day. Means it’s the one day I only have to worry about one c— oh hey Reggie

Reggie, off screen: hey have either of you seen petunia? Like at all?

Elena: Thought she was taking the day off?

[Elena disappears. Camera shifts to where Reggie is standing.]

Reggie: nah. Boss man vetoed that. She’s here, I’ve talked to her but after lunch—

Neil: what if she answered the plead

(Small pause. Elena starts laughing and holds onto Reggie for support. Reggie is not amused.)

Elena: you honestly think?? That Petunia of all people??? Good god you don’t know anyone here! They hate each other, right Reggie?

Elena: Reggie?

Reggie: I’m not sure anymore.

Elena and Neil: what??

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[Footage from Neil’s lap as he waits for an elevator. Upon its opening, there’s Derek and Ray. Briefly you can see Derek pocket something. Ray walks out. Neil gets on. It’s very awkward and silent.]

Neil: uh. Happy Valentine’s Day Mr. Ramsey!

Derek:

Derek: Why is your camera recording from your lap.

Neil: OH U—

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Neil: so like. Mostly everyone in your department got one?

Raven: Most of the women, yeah. None of the men. Unless they were too embarrassed to mention. Or I wasn’t paying attention. 

Neil: weird. Was yours any different?

Raven: nope. 100$, please, pink paper. Nothing special. You?

Neil: Nothing. Although apparently he has no idea who I am. 

Raven: ah. yeah. probably (yawn) wouldn’t pay attention to you. You wanna split? Feels weird to have this. 

Neil: I don’t need it but—

Raven: can we split because I don’t want his money. 

Neil: yeah yeah we c-

(Loud slam)

(Raven looks frighteningly at the camera)

[Shuffling around and movement happens as the pair go to investigate. Voices can be heard and their movements go silent.]

Petunia: I can’t keep doing this man. 

Ray: come on. Please. Please, what if I I uh.. uh. 

Petunia: this feels like emotional prostitution. A thousand dollars? Really?

[Neil gasps softly. The camera peeks around the corner and focuses on the two. Petunia has him pinned up against the wall briefly before letting go and sighing.]

Ray: Yknow! To make sure there’s more in this f-for you! We can always workshop! 

Petunia: the point is to make you stop being an asshole

Ray: We could talk about this over dinner too, it’s been a long day for you I bet! Hah. Hahah. 

Petunia: Ray. No

Ray: please. Petunia this is all I’ve got. Please don’t stop. I can take back the money. We can pretend it never happened. 

Raven, softly: what the hell.

Petunia: I don’t know what you think this is but workplace relationships are banned. You could get me into serious fucking trouble. 

Ray: I-I can take blame! And if n-not I could help take care of you and the kids and and

Petunia: OR WE COULD JUST NOT DO THIS AT WORK??? 

Ray: hah… b-bold. that’s why I like you. What you want to take this to t-

(Raven yawns, accidentally very loudly. Petunia looks around but Ray immediately spots the camera.)

Neil: oh g-

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[Darkness]

Ray: You listen to me. 

Neil: I will I will. I’m sorry! I was just curious about what was happening today. I wasn’t stalking you. Please don’t call David on me. 

Ray: 

Ray: i was just going to ask how much for that sd card. 

Neil: h-huh??

Petunia: RAY.