Arrival with a Carryon

I’m basically ready- it’s a really lax Luau. Swim trunks, purple. Only ones at home that fit me, also only ones I wanted to wear. I head downstairs, lei on my neck and plumeria behind my right ear. Khelani sees me first and smiles, she has the lei I made on, a plumeria behind her right ear. We match. She’s in bright colors and a sheen overgrown that tugs at her waist- definitely a Khelani outfit. She gives me a smile, I knows she’s happy I’m wearing the flower, I should have just said yes the first time. I wink and open my arms wide, ‘what do you think?’

Mom is there already preparing some things, so it’ll be me and Khel-

A sharp pain in my head, something fucking hit me-

“The fuck are you wearing boy?”

Oh.

I turn around. God I hate him. He looks at me in the most disgusting light.

“Swim trunks.”

I wasn’t prepared again and he came again to my face, directly to my nose.

It throbs but I notice that it’s not as painful as a remember.

Fucking hurts.

But he’s weaker than before.

I crash into the cabinet, some plates fall crashing down. I can hear Khelani first.

“KALEO-“

“HAALELE KEIKI”

She chokes back what could be tears, a sob, as she quietly obeys our dad.

Me and him. Just like old times.

The flower from my ear falls onto the ground. Ah right. 

Flower. 

Femininity.

This will be fun to explain.

“Don’t manaʻo ʻanʻole hiki iaʻu ke ʻike Kaleo, manaʻo ʻoe he naʻaupō wau?

 

I shuffle up. Two feet, then legs, I need to put my hands on my legs. It helps, I get up.

“I’m not doing this for myself Makuaka-“

“Then what the hell is that suppose to be-“

“WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME? OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHAT MY FUCKING SISTER, YOUR DAUGHTER WENT THROUGH HALF A YEAR AGO?”

I never snapped at him before- I was use to yelling at Morgan’s. I guess it came out before I could think about who’s in front of me. But he was growing into an old ass man, probably was afraid he’d be on a cane after we had a scuffle. For the first time, while I didn’t think about it internally, I had the upper hand. He coughed, and then answered calmly.

“That doesn’t explain you.”

“She needs to feel like she’s not alone. There isn’t a rule about me not doing it.”

“E mālama ʻo Kane i kaʻu keiki... Kaleo you will not hele i ka luau like that.”

“I will. And I am for Khelani.”

My lips tasted sticky blood mixed with saltwater. Just the same again. My head hurts and I drone out his argument. To be Frank I only think about how Khelani is feeling. It all comes to blur out in my mind. 

…

For however fucking long that took I stormed outside, Khelani by the lenai, red faced and puffy. She turned her face when she saw me, ashamed. I just sat down with her.

“Where’s your flower Khelani?”

“… I’m not gonna wear one.”

“Oh, so it’s gonna be me all alone up there?”

“Leo, you can’t-“

“Cmon Lani…”

I put it back into place, curved under some hair. She then grips my forarm, it stings some as I look to her.

“Khelani what the hell-“

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? You- you just act like nothing happened-“

“Nothings wrong Khelani I don’t -“

“DONT “nothings wrong” me Kaleo he hit you because of me…”

She dropped her arm, her voice whispered by the end of it. Eyes going one place to another. She knows… and so do I, this is and has always been a shitty position.

“He’d do that and I knew he would. Hey… it’s not your fault. Don’t say sorry. I don’t need you to apologize- I’m happy to be here for you. I will make this work okay?”

“You… you’ve said that before.”

“Yeah, I think that’s the third time I told you not to be sorry.”

“…sorry.”

“Lani!”

“What Kaleo I AM!!!”

I just give her a tight squeeze. Words can’t do it, I just murmur things I can’t even comprehend in my head. Random nonsense sounds that are comforting.

“I don’t need you to be. That’s all.

Plus didn’t you say I was ‘sooo macho’ even with the flowers?”

She shakes. A laughing shake. Good, that’s good.

“Yeah… yeah I did. And I don’t lie!”

“You dont?”

“I dont!”

There is a shadow at the screened in door. He looks at me. Vanishing I have a pretty good idea about the time.

“Time to shine Lani- ready?”

“Ready- ahh I guess Leo?”

I put the flower in her hair. She puts the one I had back in place tooo. A matching reflection. We both get up off the ground and head to the beach.

Plumerias. 

A centerpiece of our culture. Women wear them behind their ear to symbolize their relationship status. My mother with the other married women wore it behind their left ear. Most of Khelani’s friends too.

Khelani wore hers behind the right, and so did I. Technically, I was single too.

Families and old friends greeted me, I hadn’t been home in years. They laughed with me, asked the same ol same ol ‘how’s it going sweetie shit’. Some of the guys from my high school team pointed at the flower and joked with me.

“The hell Kaleo? You trying to find someone today?!”

“Hell yeah, don’t forget who was prom king, or did you forget Haaheo-“

“Oh god I don’t think I can-“

“Could Kaleo even go a day without remind us how we didn’t have anyone in high school? Look how the tables turned man!”

“Fuck off Inoke, if I wanted there are plenty of people who would, even your fiancé would take me in a heartbeat if I showed interest-“

That got them all rolling, Inoke properly embarrassed. Malia had the biggest fucking crush on me, it was funny to bring up old times. Eventually we all died down and before the púa was taken from the pit to eat, I went to the port.

I’m not sure why, it just felt right. Called to me, as some would say. The water was clear, a natural mirror to watch. My feet went in and out of the water, rippling water warped my face. I stared at it for a while.

I shouldn’t be wearing a plumeria technically. It’s not “me”. But I liked it, I felt the petals in my hand. Delicate, gentle, soft. A complete opposite of who I am, but it felt right. A missing piece. God even I was starting to like wearing it, it made me feel-

“Hey princess you gonna help or what?”

“Swear to god Inoke watch your mouth jackass, wanna go a round of mokomoko?”

“Hell NO! You’d beat my ass!”

“Who’s the princess now ha?!”

I forgot whatever the hell i was contemplating, ran over with Inoke to the pit. He’s really a good guy, but god he’s annoying as hell. Over near the pit my father was already there, wearing the lei niho palaoa. He nods at me and we get going.

I don’t remember much other than that. Food was good, I missed it a lot. Chatting with my aunties and unkos always made me crack up, and they were enamored by my travels. Seeing snow every winter? No festivals? 

I did do a couple rounds of mokomoko with some of the guys my age, Inoke promptly was bested, and I’ll admit I did make him look bad, looked like a toddler… funny as hell. By the end of it I completely forgot about the plumeria behind my right ear, it just became a part of me.

Like it’s always been wanting from me.