I Don't Believe You

“God, I wish I was dead.”

“Hey now, don’t say that,” Ronnie said, making a “calm down” gesture with his hand.

“I wish I was dead.” Marcus stood up, the chair scraping loudly against the floor. Every muscle in his body tensed up as he trembled. “I WISH I HAD THE COURAGE TO JUST END MY LIFE.”

“Hey, hey,” Ronnie said, getting up from his seat. He held his hands up to show he was harmless as he approached Marcus from across the table. “There’s no courage in doing that. It’s the coward’s way out.”

“YOU CAN SAY SHIT LIKE THAT BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF NOW?”

“You can try again--”

“TRY AGAIN? HOW MANY MORE TIMES? I FEEL LIKE I’VE WASTED MY LIFE ON PURSUING THIS STUPID… THIS STUPID PIPE DREAM…! HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO KEEP TRYING BEFORE THINGS WILL BE BETTER, RONNIE?”

“But that’s not the answer.”

“THEN WHAT IS? COME ON, RONNIE! WHAT IS THE ANSWER THEN! WHAT DO I DO IF ALL I DO IS FAIL AT WHAT I DO!”

“I don’t think anyone has the answers to that sort of question.”

“WHAT DO I DO THEN! MAYBE I SHOULD’VE LISTENED TO MY PARENTS WHEN THEY TOLD ME TO GO DO SOMETHING LIKE COMPUTER ENGINEERING. MAYBE I WOULDN’T BE SO UNHAPPY.”

“But drawing and animating. It’s what you want to do, and what you love, and what makes you happy.”

“YEAH? BUT LOOK WHERE THAT’S GOTTEN ME!” His voice lowered. “It’s gotten me miserable, that’s what.” His anger turned to tears now, and he could hardly clench his fists enough to stop the tears from starting to run down his cheeks. “I’ve tried so many times and every time I told myself maybe next time and each time I kept putting it off saying maybe I wasn’t ready yet, but look. I’m 31 now, I’m turning 32 this year and I feel like I’m already dead.”

“You still have a whole life ahead of you.” 

“What life ahead of me? I can’t even see what tomorrow holds, let alone any sort of future for myself. I spent half of my life just wasting my money and time, what am I supposed to do?”

“Marcus…” Ronnie gently reached out, putting his hands on his shoulders. “I’m serious when I say I think there’s a bright future ahead for you.”

“That’s just lip service.”

“And so what if it is?” Ronnie pulled Marcus in for an embrace, patting his back soothingly. “I don’t know what kind of future you believe is in store for you, but when you die, that’s it, you know?”

“I know that! I do but thats--”

“You’re selfish and trying to run away. But maybe you need to run to something instead of away. There’s lots of things. Like maybe you want to see the finale for a show you wanted to watch. Maybe you want to try something like sky diving. Go traveling. Maybe you can watch a plant grow, or keep taking care of Chase.”

“That’s just stupid.”

“But things like that make you keep seeing tomorrow. There’s things only you can do too. You have a story to tell, and characters only you can bring to life.”

“Like you would know anything.”

“I don’t. But that’s why,” Ronnie said, stroking Marcus’ hair soothingly, “I’m trying to understand. You are someone special. For me, I’ve always just lived my life doing what I was told, but when I see you doing what you love despite the struggle, I feel… envious. Envious you had that passion in you that you kept alive and even after all these years you kept it going still, and I don’t want to see that extinguished because of one failure.”

“But it’s not just one failure. It’s many. Far too many.”

“Even so, you kept going and I admire you.”

“It’s so easy for you to say bullshit like that because you’re living happily, comfortably! You have no fucking clue, at all!” Marcus was sobbing now, desperately clinging to Ronnie’s shirt. “You piece of shit! You have no idea and you keep trying to preach to me it’s so fucking annoying!!”

Ronnie didn’t reply, he continued to hold Marcus and rubbing his back. 

“You have no fucking idea what it’s been like! I’ve wasted my life and every day I see people younger than me and more talented do what I want to do but with such ease it makes me sick! What am I doing wrong! Why is nothing right! Ronnie! Tell me! Why!”

Ronnie sighed softly, pulling Marcus in closer. He kissed Marcus’ hair like a parent to a child. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. If I could do anything to make the world right for you, I would.”

“Fuck you!” Marcus clung to him crying. “How can I kill myself when you keep doing this! You keep telling me I mean something and after awhile I believe it, but I’m at my fucking limit now I just can’t anymore. There’s nothing there! There’s fucking nothing for me even if you keep trying to lead me there!”

“Marcus.”

“I’m so tired,” he sobbed. “I’m just so fucking tired.”

“Then rest.”

“I’ve rested for too long but now how am I supposed to catch up?”

“One step at a time. After all, slow and steady wins the race, and always chase your dreams, right?”

By this point Marcus was all cried out, exhausted. “Yeah right, fuck you. But thanks for believing in me.”