#3

It had been a couple of months since Jay made the effort to talk to Adam again. He didn’t expect him to forgive him after basically leaving their situationship to go back to his ex, even less after realizing he’d been blocked, but there was also something in him that knew how much of a pushover Adam was. It had only taken him a couple of weeks since returning to persuade him into letting him sleep at his place and, thankfully, things weren’t as awkward as he feared.

 

He started liking Adam’s apartment after having a few great breakfasts there. He noticed little things about it - things that made the place feel lived in, like the magnets in the fridge that were only ever hand-made, the ironing board in the middle of his living room, the different and incomplete sets of silverware, the slightly more worn-down side of the couch where Adam napped, the remains of some tape in a few of the walls where he probably painted the view from his window… seeing all of this after their few months apart just solidified the fact that this wonderful, kind, creative, caring man was his own person. He’d already ruined things with Adam and he tried to be happy and thankful with the friendship that he offered, as hurt as he was.

 

Meeting the people Adam was seeing felt like a stab to his heart but he didn’t want to complain. He didn’t have the right to do it. The worst part of living with him was that he was a little too eager to invite him to watch movies with the people he had over, and he had to pretend he didn’t see them flirting or just… kissing. His eyes had to be glued to the screen and he made his best attempts to be civile, although it felt like an impossible task. When he couldn’t take it anymore he left for a walk, but instead sat in the stairs right outside the building.

 

He’d never been jealous in a romantic relationship before. It felt like shit. It made him so angry. He wanted to grab Adam’s face and scream at it, to shake him and… and… say he was sorry.

 

Had he apologized? 

 

***

 

He wakes up, puts some music on, like always. He walks to the bathroom, wraps his hair up in a bun and shaves, puts his glasses on and decides not to do the bed. 

He musters up some courage, walks up to Jay’s room and knocks on his door. Jay nuzzles up against his pillow and he finds it adorable.

 

“Jay, I’m making breakfast.” 

 

No answer. He’s still.

 

“I’m thinking it’ll be just a fruit salad, but I can make some of the frozen waffles you got yesterday.”

 

Jay raises his hand – thumbs up. Fuck, he’s cute.

And he gets to work. Summer fruits: pineapple, kiwis, bananas, oranges, Jay doesn’t like blueberries or strawberries so none of those for him. Lemon and brown sugar for the sauce, in case he wants some. The waffles take care of themselves and so does Jay, who comes out of his room looking slightly less dead than he did a few minutes earlier.

 

“You awake?”

 

“Not at all.” Jay rubs his eyes and squints at the table. “You really don’t have to make me breakfast, you know?”

 

“It’s either that or you let me spoon-feed you.” 

 

Jay takes a second to process it.

 

“Ew.”

 

Adam raises his shoulders and lays two glasses of water on the table, then seats down to eat. Jay does it too. Both of them want to talk about something but neither of them want to be the first to say it, so their breakfast is silent until Jay rocks in his chair, humming a little tune.

 

“You make everything taste great. I like that you like cooking.” Adam smiles.

 

“I like cooking for other people, not cooking. You would not see me cutting up this many fruits if I was eating by myself.”

 

Jay chews on this bite for a little bit longer. He doesn’t know if this is an opening, but he’ll make it into one.

 

“Did you eat well when I left?” 

 

Adam doesn’t have a bite in his mouth, so he chokes on his tongue instead. The silence is so bad.

 

“I didn’t. Don’t start this conversation on my one day off, when we’re having breakfast.” He corrects his tone. “Please?” 

 

Jay looks him up and down, a little disappointed. 

 

“Only if I get to wash the dishes. You can’t be doing every chore on your day off.”

 

Adam nods his head and quickly finishes his plate. He leaves as fast as he can without looking like he’s panicking. Jay can tell.

 

***

The following days are similar. Both of them hang out, like always, they laugh, like always, and Adam runs away as soon as Jay brings up the elephant in the room, like always. Jay thinks about how annoying it is and how many awkward conversation starters he has left until they turn into argument starters. Ignoring his issues is not in his nature and he really needs to apologize to his boyfriend-ex-crush. 

 

The power outage is what does it. Adam steps into Jay’s room and hands him a candle.

 

“If you need a lighter let me know. I was just dropping it here in case you wanted to read.”

 

“Thanks”, Jay says, leaving it in the table. “Are you going to get some work done? My laptop’s dead.”

“Oof, mine too.” He rubs the back of his neck and points at the sofa with his head. “Can we lay down for a bit? It’s going to be a while before the power comes back.” Jay can’t think of a more perfect time to cuddle. It makes him a little sad, but he tries to brush it off.

 

After maneuvering to make the bed, Adam lays down and Jay sits by his side. The air between them feels still. They can’t see each other in the dark. The room is silent for a while.

 

“… Are you scared to talk to me?” 

 

He can feel Adam trying to go away again, but he gently holds him down.

 

“I won’t force you to talk if you don’t want to, but I really want you to listen to me.”

 

Adam stays.

 

Jay starts by explaining what his last relationships were like for him – casual, unserious, easy – and that Dodo was not that. He wanted Adam to know that he still loved Donovan but he finally understood that acting on it would not be a healthy decision.

 

“I love him. That’s why I left.” 

 

“And since he doesn’t want you with him…”

 

“Nonononono, you aren’t getting it. He… has some very bad things happening to him right now.” His voice starts to break. “He needed me. I wouldn’t’ve been okay with myself if I found out he hurt himself. Or worse.”

 

Adam is still. He’s mad. 

 

“I can’t tell you how much I regret staying with him for that long. I didn’t mean to ignore you or to make you upset, but”, he sighs, trying to compose himself, “I’m sorry. And thank you for letting me stay here, and making me breakfast, and showing me bad memes, and… letting me do this.”

 

Adam sits up and he doesn’t hug Jayce.

 

“I don’t want to snap at you, so I’m sorry if I do. Healthy communication is not my strong suit.” Jay nods, still sniffling. “Do you have any idea why me and my ex-fiancé aren’t together anymore?”

 

“… Margo has told me some of it…”

 

“Great. Then you know that he went looking for someone he knew, too.” 

 

Jay’s heart drops. He’s quiet, he’s still, he’s scared. He’s never heard this strange… hostile… pissed-off tone from Adam. He realizes that what he did was worse than he assumed. 

 

Adam lets out a big sigh, “But I’ve gone back to him, too. For him. And I know that it isn’t…” Jay knows he’s gesturing with his hands, but the room is pitch dark and he can’t see him. Adam can’t see the way Jay’s fidgeting with his hands, but he hears it, and he doesn’t want to be mean. “You made me think I had a chance to leave that relationship behind, you know? You really fucking hurt me, man.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry”, Jay whispers, in the quietest tone.

 

“I was falling in love with you.” Adam’s tone softens, too.

 

“I know. I know.”

 

The room is quiet for a few minutes, the lights are back. 

 

Adam sees Jay, realizes he’s still holding onto him. He does him the favor of not running away.

 

“I already forgave you, by the way. In case you wanted to make sure.”

 

“I knew, but I needed to hear you say it.” 

 

Jay plays with Adam’s hair, pulls one strand behind his ear. He sees Adam, more tired than he’s seen him in a while. He doesn’t think he’s in love, but he’s on his way.