hero au funnies

cassidy: geez.. it’s like, 1 am. how did your mom allow this?
chris: i don’t have a mom anymore. my dad takes care of us
cassidy:
cassidy: shit-
chris: but that don’t matter what kinda games do you like to play **pulls out pack of cards**

**the gang is walking across the street**
chris: im cold.
cassidy: deal with it.
chris: >:(
chris: **walks away from here and ends up near kyle**
chris: why is it so warm here why is it so warm here i like it.
chris: **gets closer to kyle**
chris: oh my god the heat is coming from kyle.

v!chris: i’ve always wondered, do twins have the same dick sizes or not? this question has literally been tormenting me
uv!cassidy: that’s a stupid question but damn now you got me thinking.
s!matthew: as a twin i can confirm that my dick is bigger than my sister’s

bad guy: so the famous blue viper has finally be cornered.
chris, up in a choke hold: yeah? and what’ll you do, stab me? that’s my thing, dude.
bad guy: after i finally find out who you are. time to take off these goggles... **reaches for chris’s goggles**
chris: hey, your fly is open.
bad guy: what?! **looks down**
chris: ***knees him so hard his teeth get knocked out***
bad guy: **falls to the ground**
chris: that ain’t happening, dude. **grabs the keycard** ciao!
and then he runs off

chris: **drops the f-bomb**
cassidy:
cassidy: the fuck did you just say?

chris: i am decayed. my lungs are full of thorns and mildew. my bones are held together by vines. i am fragile. be careful with my corpse.
cassidy: get off of my couch you’re going to school no matter what
chris: i refuse

theodore: how would you rate your pain?
chris: 0 stars. would not recommend.

uv!cass: don't say a word!
v!chris: ...fergalicious.
uv!cass: the fuck does that mean i told you to shut up
v!chris: oh so when we played scrabble two weeks ago it wasn't a word but now it is?

viper chris: ligma.
guard: tf is ligma?
viper chris: ligma balls LMFAOOOOOO
viper chris: **smashes the guard’s head in**

uv!cass: god, chris! you’re losing so much blood? what’s your type??
v!chris: dunno... smart, pretty, knows how to cook?
cass: no your BLOOD type
chris: oh
chris: red
cass: CHRIS

admin: i got the coordinates. you guys ready?
uv: roger that. scouting the area right now.
admin: i’ll be sending vine-girl and specter over. is viper with you?
uv: oh, viper? **turns to chris** yeah, he’s right he-
viper: **is drinking boba tea**
uv:
uv: where the FUCK did yOU GET THAT FROM
viper: from that tea place over there. it’s pretty goo-
uv: WE’RE ON A GODDAMN MISSION AND YOU’RE DRINKING TEA?
viper: I DIDNT HAVE BREAKFAST BACK OFF
admin, hearing all of it over the phone:

uv!cass: wait wait wait. everyone who thinks chris is my son, put their hand up.
everyone: **raises their hand**
cass: chris put your hand down

viper: **bleeding out on the ground** at least i’ll die doing what i love
uv: what’s that
viper: dying

v!chris, to his enemy: i would roast you but my mom (cassidy) said i’m not allowed to burn trash 😌💅

villain guy: let’s dance.
viper: sorry, but i like girls
(he does not)

uv: geez, viper! what will you do if your enemy starts tearing you into shreds?
viper: die, probably

kyle: excellent work today, knife boy! **hand chris a beer**
cassidy: kyle, chris just turned 15 like a month ago.
kyle:
kyle: oh, you’re a growing boy! **hands him two beers**
cassidy: KYLE N O -

cassidy: hey teresa, i got this tough villain to fight and-
teresa, not looking up from her book: suck his dick.
cassidy: tERESA WHAT THE FUCK

cassidy: **hears knocking at her dorm room’s door**
cassidy, opening the door: who is-
chris: **standing outside with a smile on his face**
cassidy: first of all
cassidy: how the FUCK did you find where i lived
cassidy: and second
cassidy: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM
chris: your roommate opened the window for me
cassidy: WE LIVE ON THE THIRD FLOOR

cassidy: there’s a guy robbing a bank with powers??
chris: we gotta get into costume!
cassidy: **presses a button on her special watch and changes to her costume**
chris: **prepares to press the button then realizes that it isn’t the right watch**
cassidy:
chris:
chris: wait what
**earlier that day**
abigail: chris can i borrow your watch mine is broken
chris no
abby: (:
**back to the present**
chris: holy shi-

viper, pulling up a flamethrower: prepare for trouble
wildfire, setting fire to his hands: make it double
ultraviolet: WE ARE NOT BURNING INNOCENT CIVILIANS

cass: hey can you distract ivy for me?
chris: got it
chris: hey ivy can you tell me about your home?
ivy: oh yes! come sit down and i’ll tell ya all about it!
cass: i said distract not sacrifice
chris: too late

ultraviolet cass: oh hey vi- who is that. isn't he the guy you literally fought against a week ago
viper chris: yeah guess what we're dating now
drew: he made me stop the drug trade >:c

vg!ivy: chris! you have 69 open wounds! we have to heal you!
v!chris, bleeding to death: nice

chris: i got everyone’s drinks
cassidy: JESUS CHRIST SPENCE IS HAVING A SEIZURE ON THE GROUND SOMEONE GET HELP
chris:
chris: so who wants his drink

ivy: **crying on video call**
noah: why the long face?
ivy: my office plant is gonna die
noah: why? you not watering it enough?
ivy: no because we're quarantined and i can't take care of it from the office therefore it will die because it has turned into a home plant
noah:

specter: what do we do now? we need an adult!
vine-girl: im an adult
viper: we need a different adult

chris: she’s not picking up.
ivy: not responding to her text either!
spence: i emailed her but she didn’t respond...
cassidy: **joins the call**
everyone: you’re here!!!
cass: what’s all the fuss about?
chris: flick’s at my island
ivy: you can sell all those tarantulas you’ve caught
cassidy: guys, you know i’m at my part time job, right?
everyone:
cassidy, taking out her switch: call my work phone next time

chris, watching avatar: man i wish i had powers
cassidy: y
cassidy: you’re literally blue viper

kyle: [gets his head cut off]
kyle: oh no! [puts it back on and regenerates] anyway

kim: kyle got excited last night since found out he could drink two caprisuns at once
chris: oh wow
kyle, bursting into the room holding 3 caprisuns: GUYS YOU'RE NOT GONNA FUCKING BELIVE THIS

andrew @ v!chris: bro stop incorporating your leitmotif into my battle theme people are gonna think we're gay

melinda: what does the d in sunny d stand for though
mod: dick