this one is gonna be a long one guys, so tldr: it's my birthday and i've got a lot of thoughts.

as stated above, today is my birthday and it's a pretty significant one. i didn't honestly think i'd ever make it to 30, nor did i really want to LMFAO. it's wild to think that ten years ago, I had just turned 20 and i was living in an apartment with my boyfriend and we could barely afford rent and we didn't know how to do anything. sometimes it feels like it was longer than ten years and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. i can remember turning 20 so vividly and how angry i felt that my neglectful parents weren't there to wish me happy birthday and how i was so angry at the world because i couldn't afford to go anywhere like EVERRRYOONNEEE else could and how my entire life would be spent in shit. i had great friends at that time, but there was still something missing from my life that i couldn't fill.

throughout the years, that's always been a common wall i've run into. something is always missing. there's always a little hole in my chest. i had great friends through my 20s, and some not so great. most of them i'd say were really great though and though things didn't work out with every single person in the end, i'm glad to have met most of them (except for 1, he knows who he is LOL). ive gone through many stages in my 20s too and honestly have lived such an incredible, yet painful little life sometimes. my mental health has been through hell and back and i've seen some crazy stuff from my own brain and gotten to learn so much about myself. i've endured alcoholism and was able to get myself to a place where i don't need to drink to have fun now. i quit smoking LMFAO- didn't even bat an eye when i quit! i've done so much!! 

but of course.. i'm still very afraid of aging, for the most shallow reasons. i don't want others to think i'm overly mature because i'm 30, when i'm mentally stuck in my early 20s still. but.. more importantly.. i don't want to look old. though... there's nothing wrong with either of those things, i like to think. to age is a privilege, not everyone gets to accomplish that and there's many i've lost that i wish could. maturity is a perceptional concept. what might be immature to one person is mature to another. i only need to do my best and try to treat myself and others well. i spent too many years in my 20s, blinded by my own self hatred and lashing out to everyone else. my own self abuse branched from my inner world and out into the world with everyone else and i was an ungrateful, hateful, selfish brat. 

thank god for aging, because i wouldn't want to do that again. glad to be 30 this year. i will wear my beginning 11 wrinkles like alan rickman and be celebrated for more than looks. that little hole will still be there, but thats okay. it doesn't need to be filled. temporary things can fill it for time being, such as experiences. 

happy thanksgiving everyone! have a great day!!!!!! treat yourself good yall!