I literally can't focus on anything at all. Yesterday my mom scared the living heck out of me, leaving me with panic for the whole night. I hope she is okay, I still feel the panic, I can't talk to anyone due to being reminded of what was scaring me in the first place. I honestly was so out of it first period I felt sick to my stomach, scared, worried and anxious. I know no one will even care or give a darn
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This thread is locked indefinitely. TH doesn't really need an excuse to create more negativity than already exists on the site. Goodbye!
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I'm definitely developing caffeine dependence at this point. Few days without taking some really is the most stressful and irritable days in my life. And I just bought some again today to fill out my lost quota. I've just been working endlessly and not getting enough sleep hours, that contributes to my irritability today too.
I became such a salty biotch without caffeine. Even the most minor things that shouldn't have bothered me, made me angry for almost no darned reason. Save me, caffeine god. Take me to the milky way.
I just accidentally tossed my Surface Pro pen between my wall and my bed. To make it even worse my bed has two layers of heavy, wooden draws underneath it that I can't lift by myself. I wish we could switch it to the bunk bed frame we have already. Someone fucking shoot me ;-;
Once in a while I'd go looking around the forums here to see if there's a thread where users request free art of their characters, so I could perhaps try to gain experience as well as do something nice for someone else; someone gifted me with art of a few characters a while back, and that was awesome, so I'd like to make somebody else feel that way. But then I always get reminded what a bad idea this would be, at least for me personally, because whenever I try to create something for somebody else...they either obviously don't care for it, or don't even acknowledge its existence...which is basically the same as not caring for it.
This has been my experience my entire life. I'm just...incapable of creating a gift that anyone else would like. 😞
*In junior high woodworking class, I dug some unusual-shaped scraps out of the scrap bin, painted them, and glued them together to make some odd folksy sculptures--I remember a duck's head, a gryphon, and a scene with Santa's sleigh being pulled across the sky. Feeling awfully creative and proud of myself, I gave these to my parents, who seemed more perplexed than pleased. Some time later, I spotted my creations in the garbage. I rescued them and sadly ferreted them away in my room where nobody would have to see them, since now I knew how they were seen, as nothing more than trash.
*As a teen, for some weird reason I decided to do something nice for a young relative for Christmas, and I wrote--and illustrated--an entire children's book about a chickadee and his adventures. Gave it to my parents to give to that relative since I didn't go to family gatherings anymore (bad anxiety). I thought they'd be surprised that I'd done something so creative and I might hear back about it...but I never did. To this day I have no clue what, if anything, that relative--or anyone--thought of my book. My strong suspicion is that it was tossed in the trash decades ago.
*Not quite the same thing, since I write primarily for myself, but I still long for an audience, yet my entire life has consisted of my peers saying, "Wow, you write a lot! I bet you're a great writer!"...yet every time I offered them the chance to read some of it for themselves, they'd hem and haw and say, "Well, I don't have time to read right now and/or that's not really the kind of writing I'm into, but, I bet it's good!" (My reputation as a writer when I was in school was entirely based on the fact that my classmates always saw me walking around with a folder of writing in my hands. Writing which none of them wanted to read, but hey, they bet it was good.) On learning that I like to write, my aunt, a published author of many books, sent me an article on how to get published...yet never expressed any interest in reading any of my work. And forget my own parents reading any of it...they're not in the least interested. If it isn't getting published and making money, it's not worth discussing. (My dad outright said that since my interests and writing make no money, they aren't important.) I used to happily tell my mother whenever I finished a piece of writing--I had no one else to brag to, and I figured she understood the joy of completing a creative work since she's an artist herself, and I'm ALWAYS offering suggestions and encouragement on her work when she asks for it. But all I ever got in return was, "What are you going to do with it now?" or "Is anyone reading it?" or "How do you know nobody is stealing it?" Followed by indifference. I guess she doesn't understand how this feels since she gets loads of praise and attention for her work on Facebook while I get...pretty much nothing. 😞 I learned to stop bragging or feeling accomplished, since my work means nothing and nobody enjoys it. It's gotten so that, even on the very rare occasions when somebody asks, "Where can I find your writing?" I usually don't answer, because 1. the writing is usually RIGHT THERE in plain sight on my page, and/or it's VERY easily located with the simplest Google search, meaning the asker didn't bother looking, meaning they aren't really interested in reading it; and/or 2. even if I do provide a link, I either never hear from that person again, or, at most, they offer a bland "Great story"-type comment on the shortest, most out-of-date story of mine they can find, or they just tell me I should try to get published through [name site here] and I'll SURELY get loads of readers! (I despise this advice now. I long ago gave up all thoughts of publication. Why? Hint--why would anyone pay to read my work...when nobody will even read it for free?) Even the exceedingly rare e-mail I get from someone who DID claim to read and enjoy something of mine (about once every 3-4 years or so, and usually on a story or site I gave up on since nobody ever commented on it), I never hear from that person again and they soon completely vanish from the 'Net. It's weird. They often tell me they're sure I'm just OVERWHELMED with fan mail from slews of devoted readers so they don't want to bother me further...doesn't matter if I reply and tell them this has never been the case, I'd love to hear from them again...I never do. And then they vanish.
I won't get started on all the backhanded compliments my work has received, or the sneering attitude of my "fellow" writers...so that even on those exceedingly rare occasions when someone comments on a creative work of mine, my first thought is that I'm about to get insulted, so every message fills me with dread. Good thing I only get one every few years then, huh. 😔
*Partly in the hopes it'd attract readers to my work, partly in the hopes I'd be doing something helpful and maybe make someone's day, I used to offer VERY detailed critiques--practically line edits, which took hours to write up--of others' work. First I tried doing this unsolicited for writers who wanted feedback in general; then, when the replies I got were invariably of the "I KNOW what's grammatically/structurally wrong with my work, I plan to fix that later, just focus on the STORY, please!" type, I started asking ahead of time what kind of critique the writer wanted. They'd always react with enthusiasm when I told them the kind of detailed feedback I offered. My feelings buoyed, I'd write up and send them my review. And...their reactions would then be considerably less enthusiastic. "Oh...well...that's not really what I was looking for...but thanks anyway." Or maybe just "Thanks"--in exchange for a pages-long review which took hours to write up. Followed by silence. And of course, I never gained any return readers, in fact I think my critiques guaranteed nobody would read my stuff in response.
And it's not because my critiques were rude or "tough love," either--I was ALWAYS polite and tactful, no matter how poor the other writer's grammar or style; I may have been "nitpicky" in pointing out all the errors (that they really should have eliminated BEFORE posting their work so readers could "focus on the STORY!"), but I thought that was what they wanted, plus, I would ALWAYS find something positive in their work, and would encourage them in their efforts. But you really couldn't tell this from the reactions I always got...just...overwhelming annoyance combined with apathy.
And then...whenever certain of those writers, whom I'd been the first person to really notice and encourage them in their work, would then go on to become more popular and well known, and would post a public thank you naming all the people who were most influential in helping them improve and become well known...guess whose name was somehow always absent from those lists? Yep, you guessed it. (Feeling hurt, I asked one of them, once, why my name was missing. She claimed that she'd thought perhaps I would feel "uncomfortable" being mentioned publicly. Never mind that I'd never hinted at any such thing, and I really doubt she asked everyone else if they'd be uncomfortable being mentioned, too. Not that she even asked me. I know this excuse was exactly that, an excuse, because even after I asked about my omission, she never added my name to the list. She'd simply forgotten me, same as everyone else I tried to encourage or help out. I'm highly forgettable, for some reason.)
*Cripes, even way back in elementary school, when I won the junior division for designing a logo for our city's birthday, they published the art of the winner of the adult division, but my drawing never ONCE saw the light of day; they claimed they'd "lost" it. Uh-huh, sure. (I could've easily redrawn it. They never asked. I bet, like previous works of mine, it simply ended up in the trash.) All I wanted was for my drawing to be published ONCE and I couldn't even get that. The logo from the adult division, meanwhile, still graces the newspaper header and many public works to this day...
*And finally, the inspiration for this rant...participating in those "Draw another user/their kid/their pet/their kid's art/etc. themes on Reddit. Usually I avoid these, as I don't know anybody so it feels awkward interacting so personally with another user by drawing something that means a lot to them--plus, I just have this overwhelming fear that my work will suck so much it'll offend or, at best, disappoint them. And disappointing somebody with a lousy gift they don't like is one of the worst feelings, which I have way too much experience with.
BUT...I really, really want to do something nice for someone else...and, yeah, I admit, it'd feel really nice to get thanks in return. I admit, I'm only human, getting a positive reaction from another person is a big part of why I'd enjoy doing something nice for them. I so very, VERY rarely get positive feedback on ANYTHING--including the work I create primarily for myself--that I'll grasp at any little bit I can get. I'd just...like to feel genuinely appreciated, for once.
Well...apparently, making art for others, for free, is not the way to earn such appreciation. Same as with any other gift I create for others, others just...never like it. -_- First, I drew my version of another user's kid's artwork. Maybe another dozen users did the same. The original contributor thanked and praised almost all of the artists one by one, including those who had contributed after me...but for some reason, never replied to me. (Last I checked, I think there was ONE other user besides me whom he didn't respond to, either; though they were one of the last contributors to the thread so maybe he'd stopped checking in by then. There was no such explanation for his lack of reply to me.)
I felt rather poorly about this, though a few other, unrelated users complimented/upvoted my piece, so I bit down my disappointment and moved on.
Until the other night. This time, the prompt was to draw another user of that subreddit. I'd always avoided this theme since I don't know anybody else, and I suck at drawing people, and I figured I'd just offend whoever I tried to draw. I sucked up my courage, though, and told myself this'd be a good opportunity to get practice and maybe make someone happy. Looking at some others' attempts, they weren't pro artists either, yet they got praise for their work, and the subjects of their art thanked them profusely. Oh wouldn't it feel great to get that! And to make someone else happy! For this reason, I chose the photo of one of the last people to respond to the thread, who had no replies to her post. I figured she was more likely to have had nobody draw her picture yet, whereas the users who'd posted earlier had lots of drawings done of them so far. Maybe I'd be the only person to gift her with a drawing. Surely it'd make her day!
I spent a lot more time and effort on that drawing than I usually do...God, I feel so dumb, now.
Because yes, if you've read this far, you've guessed it...she never responded to my artwork. Has been online at least twice since my post, contributing her own art and even commenting on someone else's (unrelated) work...but has had nothing to say about my offering.
I feel so dumb for expecting any sort of acknowledgement whatsoever...because obviously, I'm just not good enough, at any creative endeavor, to deserve it. My work just...sucks. So much that it offends others, and they deem it more polite to simply not say anything at all. Either that, or it's a repeat of the good old days when the writers I worked so hard to encourage completely forgot I existed when the time came to thank those who'd helped them. I don't know, take your pick. Either way the result is the same. My efforts to make others happy, and maybe get a little happiness in return, are useless and unwanted and just irritate/disappoint others, and leave me feeling even sadder, emptier, and more useless in return.
I don't know why it is but nothing I do is meant to make others feel happier. 😞 I've never been good enough, and apparently never will be good enough, to do anything that makes someone else's day. I'm invisible at best, and disappointing at worst. I know, I know I should be doing kind things just for the sake of being kind (and I do), and not expect anything in return...but...it'd feel so good to get SOME kind of positive acknowledgement of my efforts, SOMETIME. Everyone else seems to get it! Why not me...?
(Plus, if my efforts are just annoying/disappointing others who were hoping for something better than what I can give, that makes me feel everyone would be better off if I stopped trying to make others happy. Obviously I'm just making people feel worse. Myself included.)
So...I guess it's a good thing I have yet to find a free art request thread here on Toyhou.se. The last thing I need is yet MORE people disappointed with my gifts, or oblivious to the fact that I made something for them in the first place. I already feel enough like dirt from a lifetime of unwisely giving others cruddy gifts.
This may be riddled with typos which I may edit over the next few days. I don't expect anyone to read through it, but anyway. Just...feeling exceedingly lousy, for the hundredth time. 😔
I don't understand why some people are so nasty over characters sometimes.....
edit to avoid double posting on same page: I'm so livid right now and everyone and everything keeps making it worse and worse (: I'm gonna snap and when I do I'm the bad guy because "You're not allowed to have a bad mood! You're not allowed to feel anything other then feel grateful in this house!" Yeah? Suck my dick 🖕
ugh im so fucking anxious like theres this four question mini quiz my prof gave us to do at any time before the next class and like. it looks really easy. it should be easy. i should get 100% on this but i cant help but have a panic attack over the answers. am i wrong??? I SHOULDNT BUT EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS DOUBTING ME and i cant help but be terrified-- literally i even googled the answers and got the same thing but you know, im a dumb ass-- even something as simple as this is something i can get wrong, right? haaaaa fuck
edit: we're ok i handed it in and it was right but god fuck im really going to have a heart attack
I don't like the pressure of being your only reason for living as you say it makes me feel like I am just meant to keep you alive I don't want to be why you want to do better in your life I want you to do better for you because you are important too I dont want to be the reason it is too much honestly I don't like it I never have I dont want to be the reason you live life and try to do better I want you to learn you can do better that you can go forward and that you dont need me to be the reason. I want you to go forward for yourself because your not living otherwise it hurts my heart so much to know that if I was to ever go you wouldn't live. I feel so lost because I feel like I am wrong so much because I dont want this life I want us to be healthy I want us to both see the worth we both have yet I am all your worth from what you tell me and it hurts because I want better for you I dont want this pressure I cant take it I want to be able to be myself. I cant be myself when I have to be your lifeline too I love you so much but I can't handle this I know relationships are meant to be so close and special but I know that both members of the relationship should love themselves too and be able to share love together but I feel so unloved so used I hate this I feel like all I ever did since we have been together meant nothing and I know you say your trying to do better your trying to be better but it doesnt change how I feel. Everyone tells me its toxic that im trapped and I feel ever last bit of it I feel like I cant hang out with my family even anymore because of how hurt and sad you get I dont want you to be alone but I want to have my family back I want to be able to have more in life. I know im an asshole for that for wanting to do what makes me smile but I want to be free I have been locked down in this relationship I dont want to see anyone else all I want is for us to be healthy together but I dont know what it will take. I just feel so hurt sad and afraid.