you can ignore i just dont know where else to spill this out but theres a lot on my mind

ALSO THIS IS JUST TO LET FEELINGS OUT LITEARLLY DONT FEEL OBGLIATED TO READ THIS i just needed a large text box to rant in and go

tldr: have to quit studying science, no motivation for drawing except comms, cant move into apartment, bad health as always, family no monie, etc life be hard

i cant take biochemistry anymore due to tuition fees, i have do another major so i can complete that degree asap and pay for less semesters.. its kind of heartbreaking because i sacrificed a lot of time and effort for studying sciences, like this summer i took three chem classes that really ate up all my time and i havent had a proper break in forever. my only break was supposed to be last week but i got suddenly hospitalized and isolated to one room and just a couple days ago i was discharged, that alone gave a lot of problems.. im really bummed i cant study science anymore, those were the only classes i felt a genuine passion and interest in.. the biology/chemistry/physics area has been a massive special interest (im autistic) of mine since i was like idk 2, i could only study it but finally being able to actually practice it felt very fulfilling... i was actually doing really well, consistently being the very top of the class... i was really hoping i could go to graduate or medical school after this, but now i... cant...

i have been drawing less which some may notice, its because i decided to trade my time for art for time studying stem... because i felt i have fulfilled my dream as an artist, and i have a massive dream of science thats equally as powerful.. i finally would have the opportunity to study it, work with it, it really was a dream coming true.. but i had been notified we dont have enough money to complete a science degree.. i dont know im kind of tearing up honestly.. everyone kept telling me to not go into science for years cuz im not 'good enough' and i finally had the courage to stand up for my future and it turned out i was doing so well... i had even become very good at advanced math now lol but idk. finally defying expectations and reaching for a dream only to have it cut short cuz of money breaks my heart

aside that its just been.. very dry lately.. like i said i quit most drawing for science, and while i still like doing comms, its been hard drawing for myself. i dont really have much motivation to draw or design ocs atm, much less any finished pieces. my huge hyperfix had been project moon, but after a bad company decision they completely blew up and most people left the fandom/deleted their accs/etc and its kind of heartbreaking for me idk. its an indie studio i love and had loved and advertised when it was still very niche and their stories meant a lot to me personally, lobotomy corporation truly felt like the only game i ever played that felt like Me. after the blowout though i dont have motivation to draw fanart of it anymore and theres other things i like but i dont typically draw fanart of something unless im very hyperfixiated on it so now its like.... no original drawings desire... no fanart desire... the most i can do is draw maybe whats out the window just to record what outside looks like that day

i had been expecting to move to a very nice apartment, id share the space but have my own bedroom with private bathroom and etc idk its a really nice place. lots of amenities too lol like, hot tub pool sauna tennis court salon etc its crazy actually. i managed to get a spot, worked very hard to snag it and be chosen, but cuz i wasnt able to transfer campuses + hospitalization, i cant move in anymore, so im urgently trying to find a sublet cuz i agreed to pay for a whole years lease already. i was supposed to move in last week but now im studying at home. i do better with online classes actually but i will not lie this kind of sucks cuz i was really looking forward to personal freedom and being able to go outside, my parents are extremely strict and i cant even like.. walk to the front of the house... not allowed to learn how to drive or use the bus or uber... yeah... idk i was really looking forward to moving in, i was already buying stuff cuz there was litearlly only one week until i move in and all the sudden i cant, so now i do online classes

i also had a absolute failure of a shop launch in may.. i dont like to think about it but it made me feel so embarrassed i stopped for a while.. not to mention lost cost and time... and with the mail services not picking up our mail, theres been a bunch of upset customers and idk its been really wearing on me that stuff too. and again the project moon thing... my best selling stuff was my projmoon merch and now most people are gone so im like damn... i still am making new stuff but i feel more nervous now than having fun like usual, i have been taking a break from the shop stuff but i do want to sell again at some point

for entire past year its been nonstop work, school, and a lot of fighting to literally even stay alive. like seriously its been very hard to keep myself alive cuz i have a lot of health issues its a miracle im still standing at all at this point. but idk even school breaks i still work and work. some friends know my more personal health and family life, in which it is very very difficult... not fun...i havent mentioned this on toyhouse but i have nerve disease which i do not enjoy

theres some things im still very grateful for, like that many people have been patient and supportive of me, and that i have eatable food at home (i have food sensitivity), that i still have a place to live in and my own room and a shower and commodities. im thankful that despite the god awful hospitalization experience (i feel like i came out worse instead of better tbh) i got something i yearned my whole life for, which is my parents finally letting me see doctors. again i have nerve disease and they refuse to take me to appointments or get treatment (they think my disease is fake and will disappear) so like oh my thank god finally. i have a lot of other health issues that can finally get treatment for too.

im doing 6 classes this semester so i can finish this degree fast and get out. every day since last year is several hours of work and oh my god i just want to get it done with. i have no interest in learning anything im doing, i chose science major cuz its the only classes i would even show up to and make an effort in. a class can be extremely easy but if im not interested its like torture and i wont do it. but i have to do these classes but even reading this stuff makes my brain want to crawl out of my ears. its disappointing knowing i have the smarts and interest for the medical/science field but i cant because my parents make bad financial choices so i cant even complete my original college plan

having all my passions crushed and everything i worked for slipping out of my hands is very soul crushing ill admit. i work so hard and constantly just to reach for a better life, to finally reach a deserved break, just to have what i love and work for constantly yanked out of my hands. i come from a family that makes 0 income for years now (only i make any actual money) so im like holy fuck free me. the only thing fueling me to go forward anymore is pure rage at everything that has let me down and stopped me

if you read this, thank you and sorry about this whole ramble;; but man idk anymore all i can do is finish my schoolwork and just keep going. im glad at least i had a gap year before college started, its nice to have one period of life where i felt free and relaxed... nowadays i cant forsee a moment of pure relaxation really ever again.. i have to accept the peacefulness i longed for is gone... i just have to become efficient at doing my work and earning money better, so in the night i can play a game or read a book or something or have fun. i know a lot of adults feel like this but dawg i am so miserable actually, i feel let down by everything, so much feels so unfair... the cherry on top is that there is nonstop construction right in front of my room, like 20 seconds away, at absolutely all times. sure. why not

thank you for supporting me, it really does mean the absolute world, i appreciate it helps me feel like im seen at all and i have some means to go forward. hopefully i will feel more rejuvinated soon. on the positive side, online classes are very easy for me and i have a very nice skin routine now