Let's Get Critical!
I thought it was about time someone made this topic! So as the topic title suggests, in this topic, you need to critique the piece of written work the person provides above! Not just positive critique either, just anything that you think might help the writer!
So all you need to do is look at the piece of literature linked by the person above you. Make sure you read all of it and then start thinking about what you liked and what you think could have been done better.Â
Guidelines for Critiquing:
- Obviously, be constructive with your criticisms. If you find something you dislike, try to suggest a way the author could improve. It's the same with positive critique too. If you spot something you like, then say why you liked that and maybe suggest where they can go next with that.
- Try not to be too nitpicky when it comes to grammar or spelling. If it's a big issue with the piece, then by all means suggest that the piece might require a proofing or two. If you only spot one or two that don't detract from the piece overall, then I personally don't think that's worth pointing out.
- Be honest. If you really see a big issue with the piece your critiquing, then just mention it. So long as you word your critique respectfully, then you shouldn't have to worry about being honest.
Guidelines for being Critiqued:
- Accept that you will not always receive praise. If someone doesn't give you a completely glowing review then obviously, that's disappointing, but use it as a chance to learn and improve. Obviously, if the advice your received wasn't constructive, then you have every right to be mad, but if the advice is sound and respectful then please, just take it in your stride.
- If someone is disrespectful with their review/advice/critique then please let me know. Do not come to me just because someone gave you some genuine advice on how to better your work.
- Vary the work you post. Don't just link the same piece over and over again. Try to post a different piece each time if you can.
General Guidelines:Â
-Wait at least until two people have posted after your last post to go again so that other people can take a shot.
-Ensure that appropriate warnings are in place before you post NSFW/Sensitive literature.Â
-Post anything you'd like otherwise! So long as you have written it yourself!
Failure to comply with these guidelines will earn you a space on the ban list!
I'll start by providing my most recent piece: Meet Cute!
Yuna, I think my favorite parts of your writing are not only your descriptions of characters, but how your dialogue just seems so real. Almost all of your writing flows off the tongue so easily. There are a few parts where its a little clunky grammatically, but it really isn't that much of an issue. All in all, 10/10 please provide more interactions between Kimiko and Jazz
I'd like a critique of my story, Battle of Ara's Cove!
 Oof this had me going. This is an amazing example of literature projecting suspense and imagery to a terrifying level. The interactions were real, and the setting was a riveting way to have a story set. The details of the clothes and the character progression, the dark room closer to the beginning, setting design. Clearly this was thought about, and executed with grace. However, some of the progression with Cynthia was a tad bit, forced. Cynthia being so dedicated to her cause with the militia and then joining the blue shields was a little odd for me. She saved the town and then decided to join a different cause? But, to end on a good note, the character Rhaenys (what a name!) was a nice character, lots of structure and interesting qualities. Keep up the good work and work on character motivation, you have interactions down. That is a key part of the story. Good read. 8.5/10
Please read "Current"
---
123penguin64 Thank you so much! I am trying to cut down on commas, I noticed that I used a lot of them. But thank you for pointing this out to me. Have a nice day!
I actually really like this short story! At first, I wasn't quite sure what was going on, but that's EXACTLY what makes it so great! This lack of understanding makes it clear that the narrator himself doesn't understand what it going on, which also makes it clear that he is a young child during the time of the story. Him not understanding at first that his sister died is a very realistic interpretation of how an actual child would likely react in such a situation. I liked how the reality of the situation is very gradually revealed, not being clear of what happened until the end. And even in the ending, the main character still didn't quite understand what had happened, which adds even more to the realism of the story.Â
If anything could be improved, it's that I think some of the areas were new paragraphs were created were unnessessary and could have remained as part of the previous paragraph. For example, I think that these two paragraphs still would have worked as one paragraph. -
| “No,” Kamilla said, her voice breaking again. “No, my dear. Melanie has died. That’s what it’s called. She won’t wake up ever again.” She looked back towards her daughter, spotting the lollipops that Javier had put beside her. She couldn’t help but break down in tears again, upon seeing his expression." |
Changes in where to make paragraphs, however, is a minor thing to improve, and it still works as-is. It's just something that I personally would have changed, but it's certainly not bad! Overall, I enjoyed reading the story and I liked how you portrayed the situation through the main character's understanding/lack of understanding of what was going on.
____
Here's the story I'd like to be critiqued! - The Old Rocking Chair
____
Thank you so much for the critique hedgemaze! I definitely was trying to go with something jarring. I wanted the scene to seem more and more unsettling as the story went on, to gradually reveal more about the setting and what Corey's life is like in a way that would keep the reader on their toes.
When I wrote the line "Heck, it controlled me once, and by the time I regained control it was much too late," I was referring to an event in his past that I wanted to hint at but not fully reveal in the short story. Several months before this short story takes place, Corey had first got his corruption by being bit by one of the creatures that hunts in the wasteland outside. At this point, the corruption took control of him, causing him to unwillingly kill someone close to him (most likely a family member. I haven't decided on who for sure yet.) His despair isn't just because he's in a dystopia that's void of most life and that he fights for control against his corruption, but also because he has lost someone close to him, and he fears that if he leaves and meets someone to keep him company then he would end up killing that person too. He just feels that he'll always be alone, since, if he were to befriend someone, he would probably end up killing them anyways, so he forces himself to endure the loneliness and despair, believing that it's inevitable for him to harm anyone close to him. Â In this story, I didn't want to fully detail the event of the first time the corruption controlled him, since I felt that it would derail the idea I had for the short story and I feel like that part would fit better as a story of its own instead.
Meowdle
I really like the way you've structured this; it's short and sweet, and written in a sort of tumbling way where the reader can't predict what's next going to come out of Corey's mouth. I really like that, how you start with just a character trying to get to sleep in a chair, which sounds like an everyday and innocuous experience, but as the reader proceeds they discover that this chair is a hellish nightmare of an experience in a dystopic wasteland with marauding beasts outside, and that Corey isn't even safe inside his home because of his visions-- and then finally, you tell us why he has them.Â
The use of the chair as symbolism and structural framework for the piece works well; the monotonous creaking and rocking of the chair mimic the ticking of the clock that doesn't work, a perverse stand-in for that homey and inoffensive item to mark the passage of time, replacing it with something grating and uncountable. Your use of it to frame the piece grounds Corey's terrifying experience and demonic visions in something very familiar that every reader can picture and hear in their mind, and it mirrors Corey's efforts to keep himself grounded in reality, not to give in to the temptations of the corruption.
I don't have a lot of criticism because I'm not sure what your intentions were for the piece: I think it works well as it is, but if you didn't intend it to have the sort of jarring effect I mentioned, you could flesh the piece out with more description, to let the reader get a fuller picture of Corey's experience (for example, you drop bombs like "Heck, it controlled me once, and by the time I regained control it was much too late"-- what does that mean? it makes me curious). I don't think that's necessary though, and I enjoyed reading your story as it is.
My piece: "Sal"
Edit: Thank you! I'm so glad to hear that you think it flows well.
I liked this! It's a nice and quaint little vignette. I feel that it gets from point A (establishing the setting and what the characters are doing) to point B (getting to the heart of Bane's thoughts) pretty smoothly. Short stories like this are a good way to get across a lot of character in a short amount of time, and I feel like you've nailed it, especially with Bane. None of the details feel shoehorned in or exposition-y. Everything comes across as a natural train of thought and flow of conversation, and the tone is consistent. I really like the way you managed to sandwich in their personal views through lighthearted joking (Bane's tangent was hilarious, btw.)
--
Can someone critique the first chapter of Birth of a Pilot? I'm really proud of the rest of the story, but first impressions are important, and I wonder if this chapter is enough to hook people in.
bulgariansumo I did it!
https://toyhou.se/~literature/5548.birth-of-a-pilot/1.this-is-not-a-joke/comments
https://toyhou.se/~literature/8894.wonder-girl
This is just a one-shot. There will be more with these characters, but they'll probably all be stand alone type stories.
Now, you and I both know how much I love this story KEK. It's a very, very good example of versatile writing. You have two characters with very opposing personalities and you manage to write them exemplary. Their dialogue is incredibly fluid and being able to switch personalities so easily so quickly is an incredible talent.
The fight scene is also spectacular. You use detail to describe how the fight goes, what characters does what action and their reaction, yet you take a step outside of your usual writing style and don't linger too much on detail. Because of this the imagery is written short and makes the fight scene move fast as intended and it works out perfectly.
There are a few problems I found upon my, kek, hundredth time reading this, so let's start!
The paper bag massacre maker looked over to the direction of the small doctor, a smile wide and big upon his disfigured face.
So the structure of this line starts off from Smiley's point-of-view, and because of that it looks as though the second half is still in his perspective. I had to take a second to reread and pause because I thought he went from holding that knife from the following sentence to the sledgehammer he later had. A simple fix would be putting Bonbon's name or description to replace the "his" in "his disfigured face" such as "a smile wide and big upon the doctor's disfigured face" etc. We see this similar problem return in the next paragraph:
He [Smiley] had just finished pounding the ever-loving hell out of the skeleton that thought he had a chance, and Bonbon could recognize one shining eye looking dead straight at him from the tear in the mask, an unwavering grin lined up with the bag’s beaming down on him.
I initially read that thinking Smiley was the one that had a chance, although I will admit that could have just been me. However this sentence still derails. When Bonbon stares at the eye I believe he's staring at the dead body rather than Smiley since the first part of the sentence brought attention to this. You could change the first comma to a period, or you can reintroduce Smiley's name to put focus back onto him or restructure the second half of the sentence. Example: "He had just finished pounding the ever-loving hell out of the skeleton that thought they had a chance; Bonbon could recognize one shining eye looking dead straight at him from the tear in Smiley's mask, an unwavering grin lined up with the bag's beaming down on him."
His giggly disposition greatly clashed with his actions just as knife slammed, slammed, slammed against the sledgehammer.
This isn't necessarily constructive criticism more than it is an observation. I've noticed it with all your writing but you love this rule of three; in all of your stories there's at least one moment where you mention the same word three times to emphasize the severity of it. I always found it interesting how they make their way into everything, and even consider it a kind of calling card from you, yeah?
Although I guess, yeah, there is something to talk about KEK. You mention here and in the earlier paragraph that the knife slammed against the sledgehammer. It's not bad, I just need some more detail on this. Mention the handle of the sledgehammer because the default thought is to think Smiley's using the head of the hammer to block the knife and even he ain't that good KEK.
But maybe if you just stop to smell the roses, you’ll find they’re just as pretty as the daffodils down the street!
There it is! There's our purple prose! Couldn't leave it could you, CACKLE. Now don't get me wrong, you're incredible at writing this and it's a wonderful line. But I don't think a line like this is something that could be said in the middle of a fight. Right now Bonbon and Smiley are both trying to recover strength from their fight while taunting each other, and in Smiley's perspective he's trying to get Bonbon to understand that he doesn't need to steal anything to be happy. Now, if this was to make Bonbon think that Smiley was taunting him by calling him not a beautiful rose but a tainted daffodil then I'd understand, and I'd love that little zinger, but since it wasn't I'd recommend cutting the sentence short to, "But maybe if you just stop to smell the roses you'd feel happier!"
But that's where it all ends. Just some quick fixes. Otherwise there was nothing that ever derailed my thoughts as I read this story, and I have to say was it a story. It's one of my all-time favorites. That end? That trap was laid out perfectly and you can feel all the emotions Bonbon's going through the entire time. To see someone so arrogant suddenly begging for their life yet in such an arrogant, vain way? That's excellent writing. I love this story so much you can't even BEGIN to understand how much I love it!
Here's my piece - Smile