an accountant’s worst nightmare

"I'll give it to you, old man," Austin says as he wipes Poindexter's blood off his knuckles with a handkerchief. "You were right. My third attack was my last."

"So, this is it?" Poindexter says with a cough. "I hope you're proud of yourself, beating up an old man."

"Hey, man," Austin says, proceeding to pick his nails dismissively. "Don't be a sore loser. I was just finishing what you started."

"Quite the contrary, Austin Dieot," Poindexter sneers, wiping the blood off his mouth. "If you had truly finished what I had started, you would've seen my second form.

Austin stops picking his nails. "Second form?"

"That's right." Poindexter's smirk still somehow manages to display a condescending ego, even with his cracked teeth. "I'd be more than happy to show you. You would just have to fight it, of course. In regular combat, no take-backs. But if you don't, you'll never see it. You'll never kn—"

"Nope, not interested!" Austin cuts Poindexter's monologue off, flicking a piece of dirt off his finger. "You lost, Pointycock. And plus, you're an accountant. A salesman pitch isn't exactly your strong suit."

A vein pops on Poindexter's forehead again. Not a shadowy one like before — but one of pure annoyance.

"I see," Poindexter says, mustering all the energy he has left to not lose his composure against Austin's irreverence. "I suppose you plan to kill me on the spot, then."

"Oh, of course not!" Austin exclaims with feigned dramatism. "That would be way too good for a pathetic excuse of a tin-can-man like you." A smug grin spreads onto Austin's face, and for once in his life, Poindexter fears for his ego. "Nah. I've got something that'll make you really regret ever messing with me and my friends."

***

"UNHAND ME THIS INSTANT, YOU FOOLS!" Poindexter demands, though his struggles hardly match up against Tam manhandling him down the prison hall.

"Have fun with General Stupid, you shriveled, bureaucratic fuck!" Tam cackles, throwing Poindexter into her old cell, right into a giant mass of spikes and teeth, and then slamming the door.

"Bruise?!" Poindexter sputters. "Why are you in your second form?"

"Why aren't you in your second form, maggot?" the beast snaps back in a painfully harsh army-general voice. "You couldn't even get that far in the fight?"

"How does it feel knowing he got to show off his second form, and you didn't?" Austin asks, leaning against the bars with the biggest shit-eating grin ever to grace the planet. "Kind of embarrassing that you calculated having to use it, and then I kicked your ass in my own way."

Poindexter's nostrils flare. "You—"

Austin rudely blows into his saxophone, drowning out any insult Poindexter might've attempted to dish out.

"Let's get out of this dump," Tam says, pulling Austin's arm. "Molly's just finished talking to Nancy, and I think Leah should also be finishing up at the DMV."

"You don't have to tell me twice!" Austin says, following her to the hall. He turns his head back to blow a raspberry at Poindexter. "See you never, Pointycock!"

"You'll never get past the President, Dieot!" Poindexter hollers, face barely fitting between the barred door. "You will pay for your arrogance!"

One final rude finger pops out from behind the bend at the hall. Poindexter sputters in disbelief.

"You!" he says, glaring back at Bruise. "How long has it been since you've transformed?"

"...Fifteen minutes," Bruise replies, uncharacteristically meek.

"I have to put up with you taking up the entire cell for another forty-five minutes?!"

"Hey! You wouldn't have to put up with anything if you won!"

"Don't throw stones from a glass house, you imbecile!"

The two men proceed to bicker until the neighboring cells yell at them to shut up. Which they do, but they continue arguing in whispers. Which, as known by anyone who has ever gotten mad while whispering, is incredibly difficult and a complete pain-in-the-ass. But knowing these two men, it's completely deserved.

***

Not even ten more minutes pass before footsteps clack down the hall again, this time accompanied by the sound of bells jingling.

Emerging from the hall is first Tam and Austin, who ready the cell door, then Dark Noël, arms bound behind her back with a length of particularly-stretchy cheese. A young woman dressed in a chef's clothing walks out from behind her, shoving her straight into the other two inmates and slamming the door shut.

"There," Leah huffs, dusting her hands off. "Now, stay out of our way."

"Not you, too!" Bruise groans as the trio departs. "How could this happen?!"

"Hey, it could be worse," Noël says, shrugging. "For one, we have food!" She wiggles her hands to show off the cheese rope.

"That's disgusting!"

"Not as much as the slop you serve to your trainees! And having to be so close to Terrence's old man smell!"

"I hate you both so much," Poindexter mumbles, slumping against the bars.

How could he, Terrence Poindexter, accountant of the Shadow President, be trapped in the worst possible scenario? His life energy drains with every second he has to spend in the presence of Bruise and Noël. And he has to live with the shame of being dragged across Government Valley, eating a faceful of dirt the whole way through.

Austin wasn't lying: this is a fate worse than death. Maybe he underestimated that stupid kid a bit. Okay, a lot. He underestimated Austin a lot.

Ugh. Jazz Agents are the worst.

***

"What'd y'all do with those shadow goon henchmen?" Ivy asks as the squad approaches the Black House's doors.

"Kicked his ass," Tam replies proudly.

"Yeah, kicked her butt as well," Leah adds.

"Oh, y'know," Austin says, grinning. "I made Terrence Poindexter wish he was dead."

"Did you annoy the living hell out of him like I taught you?"

"You bet!"

Austin and Ivy high-five dramatically.

"Accountants are the worst," Austin says with a scoff. "Let's just hope that guy learns his lesson after a little time behind bars."

"Are we ready to go find Uncle Murray and teach the President a lesson as well?" Tam asks, holding up Bruise's key in her hand.

"As long as you are," Leah says, holding up Noël's key.

"Ready as I'll ever be!" Austin exclaims, pulling Poindexter's key out of his pocket.

"Alright, kids!" Ivy cheers. "Let's go!"

[end sequence]