Sober

It’s a little after two once we finally get home—or at least I finally get home. I sit Nick down on my bed, who had already woken up a bit before we got out of the car.

“Where am I…” He asks, rubbing his eyes.

I pat his head, exhausted. “My place. You can shower or whatever or just pass out—I don’t know. You can just do what you want at this point.”

Nick stares at the floor, sliding his shoes off. “Why are you doing all of this?” He mutters.

“What?”

He grips his jeans. “You… You used all of your energy to fight a kid that’s not even in your year, and you don’t even know. A-And then you carry me and take me home and, a-and—” 

Nick practically starts crying on cue.

“Why are you the only person who cares about what happens to me or not? And who’s always nice to me—and wants to help me and be around me?!” He cries harder. “I don’t get it!”

“N-Nikki…”

He quickly stands up. “And that! Why do you call me that?! No one calls me that!”

My face turns red, but not for a good reason. As if my neck and arms didn’t already hurt, now it feels like someone’s stabbing me in the heart. 

A lump forms in my throat as I try to speak.

“I-I’m sorry. I just…when you first caught my eye, you looked so upset. I just wanted to see you happy, and be someone you could lean on…”

Nick, still buzzed, loses his balance and falls back onto the bed.

“But that’s what makes no sense. I-It’s been years since someone’s gone out of their way to notice me or just…be a good person.”

I take a deep breath that trembles a bit. “Well, Nick. I’m different. I’m not like everyone else. I like being around you. Y…You’re fun and cute and nice, er—at least to me you are.”

He blushes and wipes his face. “You think I’m nice?”

I smile. “Well, to me you are. Sometimes,” I say with a chuckle. “But seriously—I mean what I say. There’s no malice behind how I’ve been treating you. No one’s been making me—it’s not some dare—I’m with you because I want to be with you. Is that okay?”

Nick looks at me. “Kyler…you literally put your life on the line for me today. What’s wrong with you?”

“W-What?”

He tenses up. “Zeke could’ve killed you! He was choking you! All because you felt the need to stand up for me!”

I avoid his gaze, clenching my fists. “Y-Yeah? And?”

“And?! It wasn’t your fight!”

“It shouldn’t have been yours either! He should’ve just left you alone! What the fuck has even been going on between you two?!”

Nick covers his face and takes a deep breath.

“W-Whatever, Nikki. Hopefully, he’ll back off now. I’m gonna go take a shower,” I mumble and walk off. “I’ll leave out some toiletries for you.”

He stays quiet, watching as I grab some clothes and go into the bathroom. I leave his things out before getting in, but the moment the warm water touches me, I feel like I’m gonna collapse.

It’s so soothing.

I stare at the wall.

Holding this in is getting way too hard. I’ve been talking myself into a hole.

I flirt with him too much, I touch him too much—no wonder he’s weirded out. I met him at some party once, and now I’m fighting for him?

I run my fingers through my hair.

Maybe I am just as bad as Zeke, just in a different way.

I continue trying to make sense of my thoughts as I wash, but once I turn the water off, I hear Nick puking in the toilet. I peek through the curtain, and he glances at me.

“I can’t do this anymore…” He says in a pained tone before he starts coughing.

“H-Holy shit! Did you eat something?!”

He shakes his head, continuing to struggle.

I manage to grab my towel and wrap it around my waist, stepping out of the tub afterward. He wipes his mouth as I grab some stomach medicine out of the closet, handing it to him.

“I don’t know what to do, but hopefully this will help you feel better.”

Nick nods and takes it, flushing the toilet afterward. I attempt to help him to his feet, but he stays on the tile.

“I’m so tired,” He whispers almost inaudibly, his voice trembling.

I squat down and attempt to touch him, but he glares at my hand, making me freeze in my tracks.

“When I think about school, I get stressed out. When I think about Zeke, I get sick to my stomach. Fuck, and when I think about you…” The brunet trails off.

He wipes a tear from his face, still gripping his stomach. “I don’t know. I can’t figure out how to think about you anymore. Hell, I don’t think I ever knew. You make no sense to me,” He mutters and finally stands up.

“Nothing makes sense to me—I don’t even make sense to myself.”

As I stand up with him, he just stares at my stomach. I can’t tell if he’s angry or sad, or if he’s just talking out loud, and I’m supposed to act like I don’t hear anything. I honestly don’t think I could form a response even if he wanted me to.

“You could have anyone,” Nick continues. “You could be with some chick right now or hanging with Louis and Nate and Deja, yet here you are. With me. Humoring me. Coddling me.”

“I-I’m sorry,” I stammer, unsure what to say.

He looks at me, furrowing his brows. He drags his finger down my abs, and I flinch, snatching his hand as the feeling runs straight to my groin.

He stares at my stomach again. “Why the fuck do you want me here with you?” Nick pulls his hand back but places it right back on my torso. “You’re perfect, yet you settle for some geeky sidekick.”

I move his arm, but he puts it back.

“Is that all I am to you? Is this fun for you or something? Am I just that dumb friend that’s only around for laughs?!” He glares at me, tears in his eyes. “Are you just using me like he did?!”

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

I forcefully push his hand down, but he puts it back.

“S-Stop touching me!” I hiss, grabbing his wrists and pushing him against the door.

“Ha! Now you know how I feel!”

I roll my eyes. “What? You were always playfully pushing me away except for that one time in the basement! And never once have I touched you when you were practically naked!”

He stays quiet, and I sigh, letting go of him and pinching my forehead. 

“I mean, I guess I don’t really care if you touch my muscles, but I’d prefer to be wearing pants,” I mutter and chuckle awkwardly.

I catch Nick smiling at the ground. “It’s your fault for being so fuckin’ hot.” He blurts and then laughs at himself, covering his mouth.

I sigh. “Shut up, you’re drunk.”

“I-I’m not that drunk.”

“What?”

He stays quiet, I’m still awaiting his next outburst. Sure, it was confusing the hell out of me, but he couldn’t just leave me hanging. Is that stuff he just yells to himself when he’s alone and drunk in his dorm? Or…I guess beforehand he’d be with Zeke.

Is he comparing me to him?

I’m missing so many pieces, and I’m not sure if I want them, nonetheless, I’m sure Nick wouldn’t share them anyway. But maybe his timidness and drunk antics go deeper than what I presume.

“I, uh.” He sighs. “Sorry, I’ll leave,” The smaller guy mumbles and turns towards the door.

“What? Oh, it’s okay.” I adjust my towel.

He glances back at me, looking sad again.

As he grabs the doorknob, he turns back and suddenly hugs me. I laugh awkwardly and hug him back of course, but my heart is racing.

“Don’t hug me now—I’m still soaking wet!”

He holds me tighter. “I don’t care.”

“Nick, are you okay?”

He finally lets go. “I don’t know.” He pauses. “Probably not. No. Maybe I’ll be okay tomorrow.” He chuckles to himself. “I should really stop drinking.”

I laugh awkwardly. “Y-Yeah, maybe. Um, is there anything I can do?”

He looks at me endearingly but then glances at the mirror with a frown. 

“Don’t ask that.” He mumbles. “Stop feeling like you need to take care of me.”

I scoff. “Shut the fuck up with that crap, will you? What kind of friend would I be if I just left you to suffer? Left you to get beat up, left you to throw up in backyards and bathrooms alone?”

“Then you’d be like everyone else, and then everything would finally make a little sense.”

I scrunch up my nose and grab his hand. “Fuck that, nerd. I’m not like that. I’ll do whatever the fuck I want, and what I want is to see you smile, got it?”

He turns red, speechless.

I kiss him on the cheek. “Just get out of the damn bathroom,” I groan and lightly shove him towards the door. “I wanna put my pajamas on.”

“O-Okay.”

I watch as he closes the door, blushing, though I know I look just as bad. I lean against the sink and sigh. I just wanted a relaxing shower—I felt like I needed a do-over.

What a mess.

Nevertheless, I push through my confusion and pain and finally get dressed. I blow dry my hair and sigh at my face, which Zeke luckily didn’t damage too bad. 

“Shower’s yours,” I say after I leave the bathroom. “I’ll go get you some clothes again.”

Nick nods and takes my spot as I dig through my loungewear for something comfortable. I place them inside the bathroom as he showers, and about fifteen minutes later, he comes back out. I look at him from the bed, half asleep, though he was still adorable with my shirt hanging off his shoulder.

He quietly climbs over me and burrows into the covers, but I pull them down so I can see his face.

“You still drunk?”

He groans, rolling over. “Fuck if I know, Kyler. Probably.”

“Well, is your stomach okay?”

“Mhm.”

“You comfortable?”

Nick snickers and then rolls into me, shoving me slightly. “Shut up and go to bed.”

I laugh. “I’m just trying to be polite,” I say as he faces the window again.

“Can’t go to sleep without making sure my baby’s okay,” I joke.

Nick snorts and then kicks me in the leg, but the sound of him laughing relieves me. 

“You’re obnoxious.”

“Yeah, and you’re cute,” I whisper, wrapping my arm around him just for him to frantically move it.

“S-Shut up! And, don’t do that! Go to bed!”

“This is payback for you feeling me up earlier.”

He groans. “Oh my god, be quiet!”

He scoots to the window, but after we finally stop laughing and screwing around, he rolls back over to my side. I consider holding him again, but in fear of him maybe punching me, I stay still.

Despite still feeling like I need to catch up on my weekend of deprivation and how busy this day was, I lay here, tense. Everything Nick said earlier loops in my head like a broken record, and it’s stressing me out. It’s like he wanted me to hate him.

He wanted me to treat him badly just like all his other close friends so that he didn’t have to wonder why I was being nice to him.

That…hurt. Surely it hurt him more, but geez. 

And technically, it’s my fault he feels like this. I flirt too much, I touch him constantly, I beat the shit out of his ex-friend—we haven’t even known each other for that long, yet I continue to throw myself at him and in front of trains for him.

Maybe it was too much, but I didn’t wanna stop. 

If I stop, that means he won’t laugh anymore or smile anymore. He’ll go back to hiding in his hoodie, downing entire kegs, and closing himself off from everyone.

I don’t want that.

I just want him to be happy.

And isn’t love putting someone else before yourself because hell, that’s all I want to do.

And who cares if it’s one-sided? As long as he’s happy, I don’t care.

As I lay staring at the ceiling, Nick gradually wraps his arms around me, and I start overheating. A tear falls from my eye as I try to take deep breaths, hoping I’ll eventually calm down and fall asleep.

“Hey, are you still up?” I say softly.

Nick stays quiet, his face in my chest. I embrace him. All I want to do is help, but what kind of help am I if all I do is confuse and hurt him?

I wipe my face.

“Nick?” 

He doesn’t answer again, and I sigh.

I kiss the top of his head as I continue getting engulfed by his scent. The feeling scares me at first, just like when we kissed, but eventually, my body gives in, and I finally calm down.

He’s so warm and soft, and I smile a little.

“I love you,” I whisper.

He doesn’t respond, and I close my eyes, sighing slightly. I really wish he was awake for that.

…

Sometime in the middle of the night, I shake myself awake. I’m not sure if it was one of those dreams where you’re falling, but Nick’s still asleep in my arms.

The lamp is still glowing on the nightstand, but as I reach to turn it off, I see Deja in the doorway, who scares the shit out of me.

“What the…” She trails off.

My face turns red. “I— It’s not what you think! I promise!”

She grabs her head. “K-Kyler, I’ve been looking for you all night,” She stutters, anxious as hell. “I tried calling you—I tried calling Nick!”

Deja pulls his phone out of her skirt pocket. “I found his phone by one of the staircases! God—you just abandoned me again!”

I sit up, and Nick slides off of me, still dozing. “I didn’t mean to! I—”

She throws her purse onto the floor. “We made a promise! The moment we got here, we promised to stick together!” 

The woman starts pacing the room. “Y-Yet here you are!”

She stops and notices Nick, but she likely can’t tell he’s wearing a shirt from her angle.

“Yet, here you are…ditching me to…” Deja trails off. She looks so anxious and confused, and my stomach turns. “Did you two…actually—!”

“No! Deja!”

The woman grabs her head. “How the fuck am I supposed to believe you after all this?! I feel like you’ve been lying to me ever since you met this kid—I don’t know about what, but I’m sick of it!”

I try to talk, but she keeps going.

“Nick was drunk as hell—what is your problem?!”

“We didn’t have sex!” I yell.

Nick groans and attempts to shove me, his eyes still closed. 

“Shut the fuck up, will you?” He mumbles.

Deja scrunches up her nose. “Then what is this?” She hisses.

“Please,” I hold my head. “I-I’m just trying to sleep. We both are.”

She laughs. “Ha! Yeah! And I’m just gonna go sleep on the couch with no answers after being deserted by my best friend and his—I don’t know? Crush? Boyfriend?! Friend with benefits?!”

“Deja!”

Nick suddenly wraps his arms around me again, pulling me onto the bed.

“Go to sleep!”

I lay there, frozen as he holds me. It no longer feels good. With Deja staring at me having as many wrong ideas as possible—I feel sick again. I’m so tired. 

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you…” She hisses. 

I stay quiet, unable to form any sentence, especially one that she wouldn’t yell at me for. She turns off my light and then storms out of the room, slamming the door on her way out.