Sober

Early Saturday afternoon, I got Nathan’s text. They had all decided on some restaurant downtown, and since I had no conflicts, I didn’t feel the need to respond. I already had Louis and Kyler’s numbers, so I added Nathan later on through process of elimination.

Luckily, Zeke’s been out all day, so he can’t ask where I’m going, or more importantly why I’m sitting here, drenched in sweat, panicking. Sure, I knew Louis from a few classes, but I’ve never hung out with him like this, and Nathan, I didn’t know at all. While I’ll have Kyler, he’s already close to them. Although it was a group thing, I’d still feel like a third wheel.

I’m also unsure of what to wear and didn’t want to overdress yet again. But since Kyler liked my sweater from Wednesday, I threw on a random striped one I’d found in the back of my closet from high school, which I still managed to fit. Though, if anything I got skinnier in college due to my reluctance to spend all my money on food. I found another pair of skinny jeans, mainly because I hadn’t done laundry and didn’t have anything else.

As it nears six, I get a text from Kyler, saying he’s outside. It sends a chill down my spine as I rush to grab my wallet and quickly fix my hair in the mirror. Though, only to make Kyler happy, I grab some pins and move my hair out of my eyes, just a little bit.

I run out of my dorm, and as I leave the building, I crash into him.

“Jesus Christ! That sure is one way to say hi!” He beams, as usual, and helps me up.

He wears a black button-down that’s tucked into his blue plaid pants. However, they perfectly match his eye color, and it looks so good that it throws me off a bit.

“S-Sorry,” I mumble, dusting myself off a little. “I thought you’d just be waiting in the parking lot.”

He shrugs as a strand of hair falls out of his bun. “Eh, it’s fine. I don’t mind getting in a few extra steps.”

As we start walking, Kyler’s fingers brush against mine, and I quickly pull my hand away, knowing it was completely intentional. We glance at each other, and he smiles without a word.

As we get into the car, Kyler looks at me before pulling off. 

“I really like your hair.”

I cross my arms, my face heating up. “Of course, you do.”

He laughs as we get onto the highway. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I continue gazing out of the window, despite how prettier he seems to look when he’s driving. 

“N-Nothing—never mind. Thanks, though.” I scratch my hand, glancing at him for a second. “I like your outfit. Your pants are cool.”

I watch his face light up. “You really think so? I thought they might’ve been a bit out there, but I had already bought them, so it was about time I, y’know, wore them,” He says with a chuckle.

I nod. Honestly, Kyler can rock anything. I’d look like an idiot if I wore plaid on anything other than a shirt, and even then, it makes me look like a dork. Either that or I look like a middle-aged dad at a cookout.

As we get downtown, I continue looking out the window, but eventually, the repetitiveness of the modern buildings begins to bore me, so I just start watching Kyler drive.

Even his side profile is hot.

Just then, we get to a stop light and make eye contact. Oh, how I can never escape my terrible luck.

“You good?”

I gulp. “Y-Yeah, sorry.”

God, this was so awkward, but at least he has the radio on, so I’m not forced to listen to my heartbeat.

Kyler smiles at me, as he usually does, and I start overheating.

I hate this. It feels like something’s wrong with me. Having a crush on someone is never as fun as it seems. When you’re just gazing at someone from afar, it’s nice, but once you start communicating and having trouble getting your words out and start getting red-faced every time you’re in their vicinity, it’s awful.

He’s so handsome and generous, and it’s driving me nuts. I haven’t fallen for a guy in forever.

Eventually, we arrive at the restaurant, and from the sign, I see it’s also a bar. After we get inside, we quickly spot his friends closer to the back and run over to join them.

“Damn Kyler,” Louis begins. “You never fail to outdress everyone.” He says while laughing.

I find it ironic because whenever I’d see him in class, he was just wearing something that you’d assume someone would wear to gym class. Whereas Nathan was sort of at our level, in his own edgy way.

I sit next to Kyler in the booth and read through the menu as our waiter comes over. Though, everyone orders something alcoholic…aside from him.

“You’re just getting soda?” I ask.

He smiles. “Yeah. I mean, I drove so…”

“Well, I drove too, but we’ll probably be fine by the time we get out of here,” Louis chimes in.

“So…it’s not because of me, right?” I whisper.

Kyler shakes his head, still smiling, yet I don’t believe him. Not to mention, I did kind of want something, and since I wasn’t sitting at the bar alone and didn’t have Zeke peering over me, I’d probably be fine. Alas, I just get water.

“So Nick,” Louis begins. “How’d you two meet? Do you two have the same major or something?”

I continue looking at the menu. “Um, no, we just met at a party.”

Nathan chuckles. “Of course, Kyler can’t go to a party without recruiting at least one person into his squad.”

Kyler then rolls his eyes.

“Wait, how did you guys meet him?”

“Oh, Kyler used to be my dormmate before he moved out, and we became besties. Then once he left, I got paired with Nathan since I didn’t feel like apartment hunting, even though I had the option to live off campus.” Louis says.

“Ironic though, how you two are complete opposites yet got paired.” Kyler chimes in.

“Eh, I suppose, but Nate isn’t as chill as he seems,” The redhead says and pokes his friend, who then attempts to bite his finger. “Kid’s a lunatic,” Louis continues.

“But we love him anyway,” Kyler says, and then they laugh.

Nate rolls his eyes, chuckling. “Hey, I’m not that bad.”

The three of them continue being all buddy-buddy as our waiter returns to give us our drinks and write down our entrées. I place my hands in my lap and lean against the side of the booth away from Kyler, just listening.

“Yeah, but remember that other time you knocked down an aisle in that convenience store?!” Louis beams.

Nate laughs and takes a sip of his beer. “That was not my fault! It was so unstable, and they put the most common needs on the top out of reach! I wasn’t trying to cause a ruckus.”

Kyler laughs as well, and as he does, I smile at his expression.

“You ran out of that store so fast—I’m sure the cameras only recognized you as a blur.”

Louis then looks at me, glowing in a similar way to how Kyler usually does. No wonder they’re friends.

“What’s the craziest thing you’ve done?” He asks me, quite intrigued. “It can be legal, illegal—whatever it is, your secret’s safe with us.”

Nathan smirks. “Yeah, they surprisingly haven’t ratted me out to the cops.”

“Yet.” Kyler whispers, grinning.

I fiddle with my sleeves. “U-Um, I’m not sure. Most dumb stuff I’ve done when I was shitfaced, so I don’t really remember anything.”

Louis sighs. “Aw come on, there’s gotta be something! We’re all a bit of a menace deep down inside.”

My leg starts shaking, and I look at my hands. “I don’t know,” I mumble. “I mean, sometime in high school—I think I was a junior—I hit a kid with a chair.”

Kyler looks at me. “You? Really?!”

I laugh softly. “Uh, yeah. He deserved it though.”

They all stare at me intently, and the attention makes my stomach turn. 

“What he’d do?!”

I drink some of my water. “I don’t remember.”

But I did. I blocked out his name, but his actions will never fade, no matter how hard I try to get rid of them. He spread a ton of rumors about me being gay, which I wasn’t and still am not. No one really paid much attention to me back then, so it didn’t matter much, but whenever I was in a group mainly of men, it made things insanely awkward.

I eventually got sick of it, and we got in a fight, and luckily I won. To my surprise, people had actually been cheering me on but after that, I went back to being treated the same. I had a few friends back then but wasn’t a popular kid or had a reputable name, unlike Kyler if I had to guess\. I wouldn’t be surprised if people swooned over him then just like they do now.

“Though,” I begin again. “In freshman year, me and a bunch of other guys stole some soap dispensers from the school bathroom.”

Louis grins. “What?!”

“I-I mean, I was kinda pressured to, but it was kinda fun as well. Since no one really knew me, I wasn’t a suspect.” I drink some more water. “We also spilled them all over the cafeteria floor.”

“Jesus Christ, Nick,” Nate says while laughing.

“Though I was straight outta middle school, so you can’t blame me! I was still a raging idiot!”

They all laugh as I scratch my head.

“Some guy broke his leg too, but he was a dick, so no one really felt bad.”

Kyler places his arm around my shoulder, and I heat up. “Damn, I’m sure it would’ve been fun to meet you in high school!”

“Eh, that was about it. Other than that I was pretty civilized, as in just doing my work and going home. Either that or going to debate club.”

“Did you do any sports? Cause I kicked ass at track,” Nate boasts.

I move Kyler’s arm from around me. “God no, I wasn’t athletic at all. I mean, if you chase me, I’ll run but willingly? No thank you.”

Louis chuckles. “Completely understandable—I didn’t do sports either. I swear, I joined everything but sports.”

I glance at Kyler. “What about you? Did you dance then too?”

“Ehhh…not really, or at least not in school. I mean, I-I joined theatre for a few years and made a fool of myself there, but that was about it. I attempted doing weight training, but I was really weak,” He snickers.

“But you’ve carried me before.”

He smiles at me. “Yeah, but that’s now! In high school, I was hella different.”

“Were…you popular back then too? Or was that different as well?”

Kyler rubs his neck, his face turning a little red as I look at him. It’s weird to see him blush, but it’s cute.

“A little, yeah. But out of my brothers, at school, I was the least popular one. The oldest one was idolized on the football team as well as basketball, and the other? Well, people just liked him because he was hot.”

“Yeah, well you’re hot.” I blurt, and Louis chokes on his beer as Nathan laughs.

“W-Wait—no, that’s not what I meant!”

Kyler smiles at me as I wave my hands around, rolling up my sleeves as I start sweating.

“I just mean t-that like—out of your brothers you’re probably the most attractive?” I place my head in my hands. “Wait—fuck! That’s worse! I mean personality-wise!”

Kyler laughs and places his arm around my waist, pulling me into him. “Calm down, I get what you mean.”

I keep my face in my hands as I lean against his chest, continuing to burn up. The other two aren’t fazed by my reaction and Louis starts describing himself as a high schooler and eventually Nate does the same.

As I lay there, I realize Kyler’s heart is racing and it just makes me more anxious. He’s so warm, and he smells amazing, too. Sometimes I wonder if stuff like this would be less embarrassing if we were alone, but even in the study room, I thought I was gonna pass out from both the silence and whenever he merely looked at me.

Eventually, Kyler lets me go, and I quickly sit back up, playing it off as if nothing had just happened. The conversation had already moved on to something else, so I continued listening like I was earlier.

Though I swear, every time I started zoning out, Louis or Nate would ask me something so I’d be involved. It was nice, but at the same time, it felt like they were trying too hard. It was tough trying to become as close to them as Kyler.

I just didn’t function like that.

“So, Nick,” Nate begins, snapping me back to reality. “You got any crazy ex stories?”

 “I don’t think anything’ll beat Eloise trying to stab me because she thought I was cheating,” Louis mumbles with a smirk.

I look around awkwardly. “Uh, not really—no.”

“Well, the most important question is do you have any exes?” The redhead continues. “Or are you a virgin?”

I flinch, and Kyler rolls his eyes.

“That’s for sex, not dating!” He says and laughs.

“I have exes.” I admit awkwardly. “They’re relatively normal, I guess. Well, as normal as an ex can be? I don’t know…” I trail off.

“That’s fair,” Nathan says as they continue talking.

Eventually, our food comes, and I use that as an excuse to butt out, whereas Louis keeps drinking and talking with his mouth full. Nathan keeps pestering him about it, but he ignores him. I like him, but he’s definitely the weirdest out of the three, or at least the most chaotic.

They kept trying to include me, but I think eventually they gave up due to my lack of enthusiasm. I can’t help it though—I don’t know what to say and I have nothing to contribute. They’ve clearly been living their lives and have notable stories to tell.

I’m not as interesting or funny as them. Nathan seems civilized on the outside, but now I’ve learned that he’s just as insane as Louis. And while Kyler is already weird to me, he’s still up there with the other two, just not as bad.

Once again, no wonder they’re friends.

I stare at my food as they talk, and I start feeling sick, solely because I was trying to stop myself from crying, and it’s managed to shake me up somehow.

But at the same time, I wanted to keep eating so I wouldn’t have to speak because I have manners and wasn’t gonna spit everywhere just so I could tell a story about some girl I met at a club.

I glance at Kyler as he laughs at something, but as we make eye contact, I quickly look back at my plate. As the conversation continues, suddenly he places his hand on my thigh, and I tense up. Goddammit, now the embarrassment from that was gonna add to my nausea.

Eventually, Nate and Louis start their separate conversation, and as they do, Kyler looks at me.

“Are you okay?” He whispers.

I nod as he rubs my leg, staring at his hand.

“You sure?”

I look at him and then look away, nodding again. 

“Do you want me to get you a ginger ale or something? You look kinda green.”

“I’m fine,” I mumble. “Thanks, though.”

Kyler flashes me a smile, and I blush as he effortlessly includes himself in the conversation again. I keep staring at his hand, and as I do, my leg starts shaking, and the more I shake, the more he rubs it, and the more he rubs it, the worse it gets.

I try not to, but I eventually give up and move my plate out of the way, placing my head on the table as I hold my stomach. At this rate, I think it was more butterflies than actually eating too much. Butterflies and disappointment in myself for being so awkward.

I should’ve declined the offer.

I don’t even know why Louis would want to hang out with me. All I wanted was to be with Kyler, if anything. I’d kill to have dinner with him again, but I wanted it to just be us.

The talking starts to die down, and then Kyler moves his hand.

“N-Nikki? Are you seriously okay?”

I grip my shirt tighter. I need to get out of here, but Kyler didn’t like when I kept running to the bathroom in the café or at least trying to, just because I was panicking. Then again, I could act like I had a legitimate reason this time.

“Y-Yeah. I’m uh—can I go to the bathroom?”

Kyler nods awkwardly and scoots out of the booth so I can get up, though I feel them staring at me as I clumsily walk away from the table. There’s no one inside once I get there, so I enter a random stall and lean against the door, breathing like crazy.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” I keep muttering to myself.

I sit down and place my face in my hands. “I just wanna go home,” I cry softly.

As I wipe my face, one of the hairpins falls out of my hair and lands on my leg. I place my hand on my thigh where Kyler’s used to be and stare at the ceiling, still crying a little. I was ashamed, but the action loosened up my stomach, which was nice since I was convinced I was gonna throw up if I continued to sit there.

I return to my feet and lean against the wall of the stall, closing my eyes as I take deep breaths every now and then, despite it barely helping. However, whenever anyone came in, I froze up and refused to make any noise until they left in fear of someone questioning if I was dying in here. So many people had gone in and out that I began to wonder how long I’d been hiding.

And then I heard Kyler.

“Nick, are you still in here?”

I jump at the sound of his voice and my eyes start watering again.

“Uh, well, I can see your shoes. I just wanted to know if you were okay—you’ve been in here for a while.”

I watch his shadow approach the door and eventually I feel him lean against it.

“Nikki… I’m sorry for making you do this,” He says softly.

I look up. “W-What?”

He sighs. “This isn’t your type of thing, though I made you do it anyway.”

The tears start falling again and I try to wipe my face without much luck. “N-No, that’s not it,” My voice cracks. “I wanted to do this—I wanted to befriend new people, but you guys are already so close... I can’t catch up, and you’re all so similar, and I thought maybe I’d click with Nate, but he’s just like you three!”

“Nikki…”

I anxiously grab some toilet paper and blow my nose.

“I wanted to do this, but I don’t know why they invited me to join. They’re better off without me—I don’t have any good stories and can barely relate to anything—I’m just awkward. They probably thought I’d be fun or something, but I just let them down,” I mumble.

“Nick, that’s not true—they like you! Like, a lot!” Kyler exclaims as I hear someone leave the bathroom.

“When you left, Louis started going on and on about how cool he thinks you are,” He says softly. “And Nate thinks you’re super chill and they both think you’re cute,” Kyler says and laughs. “Yeah, we’re all kinda lunatics, but it’s nice to find someone who’s normal for once.”

I chuckle softly and wipe my face. “I’m nowhere close to normal.”

“Well, to me you are—to all of us. We like you. Trust me, I wouldn’t have introduced you to them if I had a feeling, they wouldn’t like you. Don’t beat yourself up.”

I blush and open the door. Kyler’s smiling at me, and I quickly pull him into the stall, hugging him. He freezes up for a second but returns the gesture as I place my face into the crook of his neck. And despite us being in such a cramped space, I feel comfortable.

“A-Are you okay now?” He asks.

I hold him tighter.

“Just a little longer,” I whisper softly, and he rubs my back.

“Okay.”

From the tone of his voice, I can tell he’s smiling, and it makes me feel better. God, he always makes me feel better—it’s weird. He’s the most considerate person I’ve ever met in my life.

“You smell good,” I mutter, and he snickers, leaning back a little.

I keep my arms around his waist as he smiles at me, his face red.

“Yeah? Well, so do you.” He beams.

I gulp as he looks at me, but for once, I can’t bring myself to avert my eyes. This was the closest I’d been to a person in years. Or at least close to a person who I felt comfortable around somehow.

Kyler leans in and kisses my nose.

“You…wanna go back out now? If we take too long, they might get weird ideas,” He says with a chuckle, and I blink.

“You’re…weird.”

“Yeah, I know. We’ve already established that.” He smirks. “I don’t think I can go a day without you telling me.”

I smile a little, and Kyler slides his hand down my back. It sends a chill down my spine, and for a second, I wish we were in a bedroom instead of a bathroom, and the sudden thought terrifies me. Out of fear of my own brain, I want to run away, but at the same time, it’s Kyler, and he makes me not want to leave. Ever.

I catch where his eyes are looking, and the butterflies start returning faster than they were before.

I watch as he leans in and quickly shut my eyes as he presses his lips to mine. He pulls me into him a bit more, keeping one hand around my back and placing the other on the side of my face. I felt like I was gonna melt into his body as I gripped his shirt, unsure of what to do, but I was sure that I didn’t wanna leave the bathroom.

Kyler pulls away for a second, his face bright red, and we avert our eyes.

“I, uh—sorry. That was uncalled for.”

I gulp as he rubs my cheek. “N-No it wasn’t.”

“What?”

I lick my lips. “Shut up.”

He smirks, and I return the expression before he pulls me back in, sliding his hand up the back of my sweater a little, which was nice, aside from the fact that I was sure I was drenched in sweat.

His lips are so damn soft, and as he tries to back away, I lean back into him. I don’t even know what I’m doing. I haven’t done something like this in so long, and it’s terrifying, but in a good way because it’s Kyler.

I zone out, occasionally taking a breath in-between every kiss, holding onto Kyler for dear life. But then I feel his boner, and it makes me aware that I have one too, and I suddenly push back will full force. However, due to the toilet being right behind me, I fall backward, almost cracking my skull if it weren’t for him catching me in his arms.

“A-Are you okay?!”

I look around frantically, aggressively losing my breath the longer I feel him touching me. I pant, and Kyler carefully pulls me back up, though I mildly wish I had passed out from the fall or some shit so I wouldn’t keep increasing my restlessness by staring at him.

“I-I…I think I’m gonna die,” I manage to get out, as Kyler cocks an eyebrow.

“W-What?!”

I frantically open the stall door and push him out, locking it back. “Go,” I pant. “I’ll come back to the table, just go.”

“Uh, are you sure?!”

“Yes!”

I listen as Kyler leaves, and once he’s gone, I run out of the stall and splash some water onto my face. I stare at my reflection, trying to steady my breathing yet again.

Man, his scent is still lingering all over my body, and I can’t concentrate.

I fix my hair in the mirror and once my face goes back to its normal pigment after all my deep breaths, I finally leave the bathroom. 

When I get back out, Kyler and his friends are talking like normal again. He moves out of the way so I can sit down, and Louis smiles at me.

“Hey, Kyler says you thought you ate too much? Are you alright?”

I nod, quickly drinking my new glass of water that must’ve gotten refilled when I was gone. Afterward, I start eating the ice cubes too, so I’d hopefully stop overheating since rolling up my sleeves didn’t help much.

“Yeah, I just stayed outside his stall for a bit to make sure he was alright,” Kyler chuckles. 

“Well, we were considering getting dessert. You guys in?” Nathan asks.

The redhead slams his fists on the table. “Hell yeah! We can get one of those giant sundaes and share it!”

They all agree, and I nod too, so I don’t seem like the odd one out. I probably shouldn’t eat yet another thing since I didn’t even use the bathroom, but I was craving something cold.

Eventually, our waiter comes back over and Louis orders for us. It came shortly after with four giant spoons and sat in the middle of the table. Louis, as usual it seems, started inhaling it and gave himself a brain freeze, whereas the rest of us ate peacefully.

“God,” Kyler begins. “This is the most sugar I’ve had in a while.”

Nathan smiles at him. “It’d be fun to see you bouncing off walls from a sugar rush.”

“Yeah, maybe for you!” He laughs. “It’s the crash that sucks though!” 

He then looks at me, beaming like usual, as if he didn’t just make out with me in a public restroom.

“Do you like it?”

I shrug. “It’s really sweet, I guess.” Honestly, I was inhaling the temperature more than the flavor, and I couldn’t concentrate on it even if I wanted to.

The three of them were talking like usual, and although Kyler’s words from earlier made me want to join in, I just…couldn’t. I kept inconspicuously staring at him—he was the only thing I could focus on, and it was pissing me off. I still had butterflies in my stomach, but the ice cream was helping. I wanted to get out of here but for a completely different reason than before.

Eventually, the check comes, and we all split it, despite it being four of us and us all confusing the shit out of the waiter between paying in cash and card. They continued talking about their majors once we had all stood up and grabbed our stuff since Nathan specifically had a to-go box.

When I notice Kyler isn’t staring at me for once, I scamper off to the bar. I slide the bartender a few dollars in return for a shot. He quickly pours me a glass and I down it, gagging a bit before fast walking back to the group, but Kyler instantly gives me a weird look.

“Did…you just take a shot?”

“No.”

He glares at me. “Dude, I saw you.”

I cross my arms and walk past him to the door, following Louis and Nate.

“Okay, whatever. What’s it to you anyway?”

“What’s it to me? I thought you weren’t supposed to be drinking!”

“It’s not like I chugged the whole bottle.”

The two other guys look at us as we get outside, still yelling slightly.

“Why’d you even take a shot in the first place?!”

I scrunch up my nose. “Why the fuck do you think?!”

“What’s…going on?” Nate asks hesitantly.

“Nothing,” I mutter, just as Kyler grabs my arm.

“A-Are you mad at me? If so, I’m sorry! I’m really sorry!”

I pull away from him, yet it still feels like he’s holding me, and my arm feels hot. Despite the breeze, I still feel like the only thing I can smell is his cologne.

“No!”

“Tell me the truth.”

I groan loudly and start walking into the parking lot. The thought of being in the car with him now seemed like torture, and if it wasn’t already awkward earlier, it sure as hell was gonna suck now. 

And then I get an idea.

“I’m not mad at you,” I say and look back for a second. “I’m mad at myself,” I mutter under my breath, and he stays quiet. “Can I ride with you guys?” I ask the other two.

They nod, confused. “Uh, sure I guess.”

Kyler looks hurt, and though I feel bad, I didn’t want to talk to him because I couldn’t even find the words. I didn’t trust myself alone with him right now, and I still had butterflies which now felt more like I was being stabbed in the gut.

“I’ll talk to you later,” I say to Kyler as I follow Louis to his car.

He keeps looking at me as if he’s minutes from breaking into tears as I turn the corner.

“Sorry.” I mouth, and he nods before finally walking off.