Sober

By Wednesday, Nick still hadn’t contacted me at all. He probably woke up Sunday morning and was confused about how my number even got in his phone.

After my classes end, I return to my apartment to see Deja cooking and studying at the same time. She’s always been the queen of multitasking. At the start of the week, things were still awkward between us, especially during the ride home from the party. We didn’t talk much about anything that happened, but as days passed, it eventually went over our heads.

I wasn’t too pressed anyway, especially since I was able to hang out with Nick again and make sure he was alright. It probably wasn’t the healthiest thing to ignore the biggest fight we had in months, but it was days ago, and bringing it up now would be horrendous.

Deja glances at me as I sit my bags by the door. “Hey Ky, how’d your day go?”

I shrug. “Pretty good, busy though. What are you cooking?”

She sits her spoon down with a smirk. “Your least favorite meal: Vegetable pot pie!”

“You see, I would eat it if you didn’t stuff it with mushrooms.”

She laughs. “Nah, those are the best part! And you can’t complain—I haven’t made this in forever. I was trying to be considerate.”

I smile and pat her shoulder. “Eh, it’s fine, I’ll just find something else to eat. I’ll be practicing for class if you need me.”

“Mhm, you have fun with that.”

I remove my T-shirt, leaving just a tank top underneath, and connect my phone to my speaker, quietly playing some music. As I move, I keep glancing back at Deja, worried that she’s seeing me mess up a bunch, despite us being on opposite sides of the room. Though, she just bobs to the music while scribbling some notes down as she cooks.

I stare out the patio door as I dance, practically moving on autopilot as the song replays since my first run is always the worst. However, just as it’s almost over, it suddenly stops when my phone begins to ring. I groan and walk over to answer it.

“Hello?” I ask, sounding slightly annoyed.

“Hey.”

Immediately, I recognize Nick’s quiet, melancholy voice. I run into the bedroom and quickly shut the door.

“H-Hey! I thought you’d never call me!” I beam while trying to stop myself from smiling so much.

“P-Please don’t shout into the phone,” He whines.

“Sorry.”

I hear him sigh. “Are you free?”

I start sweating even more, despite barely wearing any clothes. “Uh, yeah! What do you need?”

Nick stays quiet for a second. “Can I meet you for dinner?”

I nearly drop my phone and attempt to take a deep breath. I couldn’t believe it—Nick called me and asked me to go out with him. I could barely function.

“S-Sure! You have a specific place in mind?”

“Um… How about that one café downtown?”

“The one with all the different types of bread?” I ask, chuckling a bit.

“Mhm.”

I run into the bathroom and check myself. “That sounds good! How about I meet you there in like thirty?”

“Mhm. See you.”

He hangs up, and I start to freak out. I just needed to take a quick shower and get dressed. Though, I would probably freak him out if I showed up in a suit and tie or something. I grab my head, pondering, but my bun comes undone, making my hair flop to one side. It looks terrible, and I pace the floor. However, Nick seemed to like when my hair was down. Still, I had no outfits to go with that style either.

I clap my hands. 

I should just ask Deja! She’s good with fashion and never strays from telling me when I look like a dork. 

Damn. But then she’d get all in my business, and I can’t tell her I’m going to dinner with Nick! 

I shake my head and quickly hop in the shower. It didn’t matter—I just needed to stop wasting time.

When I get out, I wrap a towel around my waist and dig through my drawers, looking for a civilized outfit. I glance at the clock, which only causes me to panic more, so I grab some baby blue skinny jeans, a striped button-down, and some black converse. I still tie my hair up because I’d be uncomfortable otherwise and then roll up my sleeves, throwing on some random bracelets and rings I found on my night table.

When I leave the room, Deja gives me a weird look as she eats her meal.

“Damn, you got a date you didn’t tell me about?”

I chuckle. “D, you know I’m single.”

She smiles. “I’m just playing, but seriously, where are you going?”

I sigh and grab my wallet out of my backpack. “Just to dinner, since you cooked mushroom stew or something.”

She rolls her eyes and then squints at me. “Really? You’re going alone? You’re dressed for a date! And I can smell your cologne!”

I blush. “Do you like it?”

She chuckles. “Yes. That’s my favorite one anyway.”

I smile and open the front door. “Well, I’m going out to dinner. Alone. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but if there’s an emergency, you know what to do.

Deja scoffs. “Stop acting like I’m gonna burn the complex down! I’m not six!”

We laugh, and then she waves at me. “But anyway, have a good dinner. Alone.”

“T-Thanks.”

When I enter the café, I spot Nick waiting for me. He wears a beige sweater vest over a dress shirt, both of which look like they’re two sizes too big, but it’s cute. He has his hands in the pockets of his black ripped jeans and as I approach him, I realize his ankle boots have a slight heel.

He looks up after I walk over, nudging him. “Am I late, or are you just early?” I ask with a smile.

“I was early. You wanna see a menu?”

I shake my head. “Nah, I always get the same thing here. I like their salads.”

He nods and walks over to the counter but when the total comes up, Nick quickly whips out his card and pays for the both of us, leaving me standing there awkwardly as I reach for my wallet.

“Hey, I could’ve at least paid for half!”

“It’s fine. I really don’t care,” He states blankly.

The woman gives us our receipt, and we stand against the partition for a bit, waiting for our food. I wanted to be gentlemanly, but I guess not. Nick ordered a panini of some sort, and I got one of the salads with apples. Once our food was ready, we grabbed our plates and some drinks and sat down.

“I really didn’t expect you to call me,” I tell him as we start eating.

He shrugs. “I mean, I needed to talk to you, but I didn’t wanna do it over the phone.”

“Did…something bad happen?”

He shakes his head and oddly begins to cut his sandwich into a bunch of even squares.

“Though,” He begins. “I do kind of wonder how I got your number. I mean, I don’t have many contacts, so yours was right there when I opened my phone but…God—I barely remember anything.”

Nick continues to avoid my gaze by staring at his food, and I gulp.

“I mean,” He continues. “I remember those drinks you gave me, and randomly Deja showed up, I think…I cried somewhere along the way,” He says and cringes. “You also kept touching me,” He glares.

I blush and look away. “I mean, for most of the time you couldn’t even stand up straight.”

He continues to scowl at me. “Kyler, you know you know what I’m talking about.”

I blush some more. “My bad.”

“Then I remember watching you dance. But…that was about it.”

I nod, though if he remembered up to then, he still remembered a lot. Maybe he was just leaving out stuff for the sake of our well-being. Guess I’ll never know.

“Well, after that we danced outside for a while since you asked me to. We were just slow dancing because I didn’t want you to puke on me, but then we got tired, and you fell asleep on my lap—”

Nick almost spits out his tea. “Hold on what?!”

I continue eating. “I mean, I passed out too, but then I woke up around four and found you throwing up behind a tree.”

I watch him freak out, and I sigh, completely aware that this isn’t a date. He just wanted to talk. All that shit he did, er—we did last night was just because we were drunk. Those feelings he had clearly didn’t stick, and he went back to not wanting anything to do with me.

It just…sounded different over the phone.

I lean on my head as I eat my salad. “Inside, I asked you to dance, but you said no, and then you changed your mind once we were around fewer people. And you were nauseous and tired, and since by then you didn’t wanna go back in to find a place to sleep, I recommended my lap, and you went along with it.”

He groans. “Ugh, God, now it’s all coming back to me. Anything else?” He mumbles.

“Well, after you threw up it was time to leave and you like, told me that you enjoyed hanging out with me and had a good time. After that…you kissed me and fell since you had lost all coordination, and you asked me for my number when I went to help you up.”

Nick places his head in his hands, and I see his ears turn red, but I can’t tell if he’s crying or just embarrassed.

“I-I kissed you?” He asks hesitantly, pulling on his hair a little.

“Yeah, it was fine though!” He finally looks up, and I smile at him. “So…is that all you wanted to talk about?”

Suddenly, he wipes his hands and stands up. “I-I’m really sorry, I just need to go to the bathroom. Please excuse me.”

I give him a confused nod as he runs off in the opposite direction. I let out another sigh and continue eating, occasionally sipping my tea as I try to process my emotions. My eyes start to sting.

Who knew such a minor thing would make him so uncomfortable? Did he really hate me that much? I poke around in my salad with a frown. I always thought he jokingly disliked me but…maybe I was just fooling myself. Here I am yet again with another one-sided crush.

Several minutes later, Nick returns and sits down, seemingly calm now. I notice his red eyes as he awkwardly brushes some hair out of his face and glances at me.

“I-I’m really sorry, Kyler.” He says quietly.

“It’s fine, Nikki.”

He continues to finish up his sandwich cubes.

“Well anyway, is there anything else you wanna talk about?”

He shakes his head, but by the look on his face, I can tell he’s lying.

“C’mon, I said you could tell me anything.”

He scoffs and places his fork down. “Yeah, right! I want to talk to you about something serious, but you’re probably mad and disgusted by me, so you wouldn’t even be paying attention!”

My eyes widen. “Why the hell would I be mad at you?”

He blushes. “Because I kissed you! A-And I’m a guy, and you’re a guy, and that’s gross!”

I stop eating. “Are…you hearing yourself right now?”

“What?”

I feel my throat twinge. “Do you remember a single thing I told you yesterday? Before you even started drinking?!”

Nick looks away. “W-Wait, no—that’s not what I meant, I just—”

I scoff. “Guess that makes me a disgusting freak for kissing you back, huh?”

He freezes in his tracks. “I—you what? You kissed me back?!” He screeches and covers his mouth. “Why?!”

I massage my temples. “God, pipe down, people are staring. You only kissed me on the cheek, and I thought it was sweet, so I returned the gesture. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Nick stares at his plate, unsure of what to say.

“Man,” I chuckle flatly. “Stop stringing me along already. You only ever seem to appreciate me when your inhibitions are lost on the other side of the cosmos. I mean,” I continue. “I guess at the time it was fun, but now? I mean, you puking isn’t really worth you seeing you smile at me or hugging me once during the night.”

Nick frowns. “I-I appreciate you!”

I grip my fork. “Yeah, well your actions seem to say differently. When you’re drunk, you’re nice and…clingy, and you don’t seem annoyed by me all the time.”

Nick looks down.

“You hate me, don’t you?” He mumbles.

“W-What?”

“I’m so bad at this crap!” He exclaims and grabs his head. “No one likes me, Kyler! And I’ve already made the worst impression on you in, like, less than a week! Clearly, I’m a dick to you and everyone around me, but I don’t get why you still stick around! I call you out of the blue, and you willingly come to dinner all super excited and crap! I just…”

Nick takes a deep breath. “I never wanted to upset you or hurt you. I don’t…have anybody like I have you right now, I guess. It’s been so long that I don’t have any basis, and I’m just fucking everything up, and I can’t trust anyone!”

The smaller guy continues messing with his hair as tears start pouring down his face, and he aggressively tries to wipe them away, but they just won’t stop falling.

“I don’t deserve you—I don’t even know what you are to me: An acquaintance, a friend? An overly altruistic stranger?! I don’t know, I just…don’t want you to leave me alone. I don’t wanna be alone again…”

My heart throbs as I watch him cry. He attempts to run to the bathroom again, but I grab his hand so he can’t get up.

“W-What are you doing?”

I take a deep breath as I rub his palm. 

“Kyler?”

What am I getting myself into?

I was better off just hanging with Deja and flirting with random girls. I didn’t need any crushes—I didn’t need a boyfriend. I just needed to graduate, right? Yet here I am, holding the hand of some adorable, anxious, probably alcoholic geek who, if I had to guess, maybe liked me too? And didn’t know how to express it.

Maybe when he’s drunk, the feelings manage to slip out. 

If that were the truth, I’m sure it’d explain a ton of things. Yet, there was no way Nick would ever confess such a thing to me.

“Nick,” I begin quietly. “I don’t hate you. And frankly, there’s nothing you can do to make me think that way or even leave you. Yes, you upset me a bit, but not because of the kiss, but because of how you reacted to it and…your lack of compassion towards me in the daylight.”

He looks away for a second.

“Nevertheless, I’m not just gonna abandon you because of that. I don’t even think I could if I wanted to,” I laugh a bit. “I know you probably think I’m friends with everyone on campus, but I don’t have that many people I’m actually close to. Deja’s my best friend and now that I’ve made the slightly awful decision to come out to you, you’re now a close friend by association,” I smirk. “Regardless, I’m…kinda glad I have you now. It feels like you were the last person I needed to push through these last years of college.”

Nick stops crying and pulls his hand away. “Y-You mean that?”

I nod with a smile as he wipes his face, avoiding my eyes.

“T-Thank you,” He mumbles. “I’m…sorry for what I said earlier. I’m always cool when other people do that stuff, I guess, but I get disgusted by myself whenever I initiate it.”

I cock an eyebrow. “…Internalized homophobia? Maybe?”

“W-What?! No! I’m not gay.”

I nod suspiciously and finish eating. “Okay. I mean, if you are, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

We look at each other for a few seconds in awkward silence. I spot his leg shaking under the table and scratch my head.

“Never mind. Um, let’s just move on.”

He hesitates. “Why…did you cry on Saturday? When I went to confront you?”

I blush. “W-What? I don’t know—I was just frustrated, I guess. And I was still mad from the previous night, I don’t know. Why…?”

“It just threw me off,” He mumbles. “I didn’t think you had the right to respond that way. Nothing even happened to you.”

I scoff. “Dude, I was traumatized knowing that more shit happened to you after you left, and you were covered in bruises! And that it was pretty much all my fault! I felt bad! What was I supposed to do? Act all aloof like I didn’t care? Wouldn’t that have made things worse?”

“No, I just—! You didn’t seem like the type to really break down or anything. Like, your life seems so perfect, and you’re so happy. What’s there to even cry about?” He stares at his glass.

“Didn’t you learn not to judge a book by its cover?” I ask with a smirk.

He glances up at me through his messy hair. Our eyes lock for a second but of course, he quickly looks away.

“I have my problems, Nick, just like other people. Trust me,” I say with a laugh. “But when I’m around other people…they don’t usually resurface.”

“Problems…like what?” He asks.

“Nikki, don’t worry about it. It’s not even relevant right now.”

“Please.”

I scratch my wrist. “Why are you so pressed about it?”

He shrugs. “I-I don’t know. You’ve dealt with my stuff, frankly more than you should have after only a few days. It’s the least I can do after fucking up everything.”

I massage my temples. “You didn’t fuck up everything…”

Nick gives me a worried look and proceeds to stare at me. It’s a bit weird to see him so concerned.

“My dad and my brothers were never quite a fan of me,” I mutter. “I was the youngest, and I got blamed for everything, even shit that didn’t involve me, like divorce. I just…” I shield my face.

“I often take the blame for everything nowadays and feel the need to fix whatever I break, even if I didn’t touch it. I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself or grossed out by yourself because of me.”

“Kyler…” He mumbles.

“I-It’s fine, really. I just didn’t wanna ruin shit or have you think I’m gonna leave you, I guess. I always internally berate myself for shit like this, but now that I’m talking, it’s really making no sense.”

We smile awkwardly, and I take a deep breath.

“I care about you, and I don’t wanna ruin anything, despite that being what I’m good at. I just want you to be happy and safe.”

Nick flushes red and anxiously looks around the restaurant. “God, you’re way too nice to me. But thank you. And fuck your family and all that junk. You don’t ruin anything.”

“I literally screwed you over Friday night.”

He rubs his arms. “I don’t know. It wasn’t really your responsibility.”

“I promised you, though! And it all went to hell! I just wanted to fix everything!”

“W-Wait! So, you’re just here to fix Friday?! Are you just following me around and being all nice to bandage up your reputation?” He asks cautiously.

“N-No! I’m here because I want to be!”

“So, there are no secret brain worms in your head from your brothers that are convincing you to act like this?”

I laugh at his wording and grin. “No, Nikki. I’m here because I want to be with you.”

He flushes red.

“You…good?”

He tries to run to the bathroom again, and I reach across the table, yanking him back down.

“Stop doing that. Don’t you wanna be with me too?”

His eyes continue to frantically scan the room. “D-Don’t say it like that.”

“I mean, why else would you ask me to dinner?”

He gulps. “Well, there was actually another reason.”

I smirk. “Other than you wanting to see my sexy face?” I tease with a wink.

He rolls his eyes and sips some of his tea.

“Okay so, you told me you’re a dance major, which means your classes probably go differently, but do you like your professor?”

I nod. “Yeah, she’s pretty nice. My theatre teacher was questionable though,” I mumble.

“Wait, what? Theatre? Are you a theatre major too?” He asks, his face lighting up, though I can’t tell if he’s glowing out of endearment or to make fun of me.

“Uh, yeah. Well—no, I was majoring in that at first, but I dropped the class.”

“Can you sing?!” He grins, and I chuckle.

“N-No, not to save my life. I was like one of the backup dancers you’d have to dig through the playbill to find. I just don’t think I was cut out for it, so I dropped out and joined one of the clubs. And…now I just dance normally, I guess.”

Nick gazes into the distance. “Ah, no wonder you wanted me to dance with you. That’s your thing.”

I snicker. “Uhm, I guess so? It’s also just fun to do at parties with friends.”

“But I couldn’t stand right?!” He exclaims, flustered. “I probably made a total fool of myself! I can’t do any type of dance.”

“Well, you can kinda sway. Well, our version of it, that is. That’s like an actual type of dance, but we were just hugging in place while rocking back and forth to the beat,” I say to myself, but he hears me and starts eating again to avoid eye contact.

“But as you were saying! Your…professor? Are they nice?”

Nick frowns at the table. “He hates me—er, at least he hates all the guys in general. His course load is a fucking train wreck, and he never really helps out the guys. Like, I don’t know if he’s just sexist because he’s a perv, but he makes the class ten times harder than it needs to be, and I’m afraid I’m gonna fail everything!”

My eyes widen. “You’ve gotta be kidding.”

“Apparently he’s new or something, I don’t know.” He combs his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what to do… I’m so bad at confronting people but the more stressed I get, the more I wanna drink. However, I know that’s terrible, so I try to avoid it at all costs, but I easily give into peer pressure and have trouble stopping and…I think that’s why Zeke fucks with me.”

I sigh. “Cause once you get your first drink, you feel compelled to get another.”

He nods sadly. “But honestly, it’s so much easier to drink away my problems.”

“Okay, but they’ll just come back when you’re sober again. Not to mention, you ignore them for maybe a few hours, but the next day you have more issues such as hangovers or dealing with whatever you did when drunk.”

“I know, I know… It’s stupid as hell. I just… Whether it’s hard liquor or a wine cooler, the flavor is always better than my goddamn tears. I just want it all to go away.” He pulls on his hair. “The things I worry about, the things I hate, the things that make me wanna run into traffic…”

“H-Holy shit.”

Nick shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “I-I just need some help and some moral support. Like, do you think sometimes I could study at your place? Cause being with Zeke sucks, and I can’t ever find a nice environment…except with you.”

Damn.

I want to say yes, but I always stray from inviting people over for fear of Deja getting suspicious, and she already practically knows that I cried over Nick that one night. Not to mention she’d probably embarrass me the whole time.

“Well, my roommate will likely distract you as well, so maybe we can go to the library. I mean, if you wanna come over for non-academic purposes, that’s cool whenever.”

Suddenly, he smiles. He’s sober. And he smiles.

At me.

I feel my face start to burn as he talks again.

“W-Wow, thank you. I really owe you one.”

He grins, and I attempt to hide my excitement, but he notices, and his expression fades a bit.

“W-What?”

I shake my head. “No, no it’s nothing.”

“If you don’t really wanna do this, just say so. I can manage, probably.”

“No, it’s not that, I promise!” I sigh. “This probably sounds really cheesy, but I love your smile.”

He spits out his tea and anxiously grabs his napkin.

“Okay! That’s why I don’t smile at you! Well, I don’t really smile at anyone—b-but that’s not the point! Do you ever not flirt?! It’s so embarrassing!” He screeches while trying to wipe the table, yet he won’t stop smiling as he does so.

As he freaks out, I can’t stop myself from laughing.

“Shut up, you asshole! It’s not funny!”

I hold in my last chuckle as he cleans up his stuff, but as I do the same, I notice his expression. He looks…way less tense than earlier, and it’s nice. Like earlier during the party when he was displeased by my presence, only to end up calmly dancing with me, completely content with the world later on.

“Hey, um. Thanks for listening to me earlier.”

Nick looks up. “Hm?”

“When I rambled about my family for a few seconds.”

“O-Oh. Yeah sure. I mean, I know what it’s like to bottle up stuff so…it can’t hurt to have an outlet with a friend right?”

I smile.

“Not to mention, I’m not really used to weepy, gloomy Kyler. The thought of you crying…again is mildly unsettling. I’m used to flirty, obnoxious Kyler who seemingly sees the world through rose-tinted lenses and always has a smile plastered across his face.”

I snicker. “Do you like flirty, obnoxious Kyler?”

“It’s better than weepy Kyler, that’s for sure.”

I tilt my head a bit, smirking. “Oh? Do tell me why.”

“Shut up. Anyway, you ready to go?” He asks regarding both of our plates being stacked.

I nod, and we stand up, placing our dishes at the return counter and making our way to the door. Once outside, I turn to him.

“So, you wanna meet at the library tomorrow? Maybe around five?”

He nods. “Y-Yeah, that sounds good.”

I smile and rock on my heels. “We should do this again. Maybe…without it being because your professor is a dick, and you need study help or because you can’t remember what you did when drunk.”

Nick plays with his sleeves. “Like…a date?”

“If you want it to be one, sure.”

He flushes red. “Did…you think this was a date?”

“Um.” I sigh. “At first, yeah.”

“I figured. I mean, you’re all dressed up and junk.”

I scoff. “I dress like this often! If anything, you’re the one who’s dressed up! A damn sweater vest? I thought you only owned hoodies!”

He scrunches up his nose. “Fuck off.”

“I’m not complaining, though! You look really cute,” I say softly, walking towards him and placing my hand on his cheek.

He immediately pushes my hand down. “And now I’m never gonna wear this again.”

I snicker. “Then what if I said you look adorable all the time?”

He blushes and slaps me.

“Ow!” I exclaim, holding my cheek while starting to laugh.

He crosses his arms. “Guys don’t like being called cute, Kyler.” He says sternly.

“Maybe that’s just you. I’d love it if you called me cute.”

“That’s cause you’re weird.”

“Whatever, Nikki. I’m only saying it because it’s true.” I tease as I proceed to grab his hand and kiss it.

Nick becomes a tomato but doesn’t pull his hand away. He stares intently at the ground, and I catch him smiling. 

“W-Well, I like really your outfit too.” He mumbles and backs away from me.

“Thank you,” I say and ruffle his hair, grinning from ear to ear. 

“Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess.”

Before he walks away, I grab his arm and pull him into a tight hug. 

He groans. “Come on, Kyler.”

I let go. “Fine, fine. Just be safe,” I say as he walks to the car, and from across the street, he smiles at me.

“You too.”