Barcode Boy

I would’ve slept for longer if I wasn’t in direct range of the sun from the window. It was warm, but it was blaring into my eyes as I attempted to unwrap myself from my blanket burrito. Carter was gone, but I could hear muffled talking from outside of the room.

I sat up and looked out the window, my eyes taking in all the different shades of the trees. I sighed and massaged my temples. Though my comatose state was nice, everything was so fake, especially the colors. It was obnoxiously bright like a fairytale which fit the mood of course, but it was nice to, well, experience something real again.

The colors outside, the feeling of the sheets, Carter’s voice from outside the room. I was content with being here but last night still felt like one long nightmare. I felt like I could still hear the sirens and feel the pouring rain, not to mention the burning and the coughing, all of which lasted for way too long.

Nonetheless, today I was gonna get my answers. Every detail, every backstory—I would happily wrestle every inch of information out of Carter.

I got out of bed feeling way more refreshed than yesterday, but my hands were still cold. I looked over at one of the scrunched-up blankets, one of which had the words “Bucknell University” stitched across the front. The name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t pinpoint the location.

My family rarely traveled, and I really only knew the immediate areas around Chesterbrook like Philadelphia. Aside from visiting Colorado with Carter once, getting arrested and taken to Rhode Island was like a vacation.

I didn’t feel like trying to rack my brain so after getting my bearings in my half-asleep state, I grabbed the doorknob. And then I saw it.

The metal knob practically melted in my hand which made it look like I phased through it. My hand was engulfed with a thick, clear substance that was too heavy to be a bodily fluid or anything natural.

In fear, I flung my hand back as the now liquidized knob came loose from the door and fell to the floor as a collection of glass. Some were shards, and some were marbles.

With my momentum, the door flew open, and I saw Carter standing by the couch with another man. He had a ton of dreads organized into a bun with some sort of K-Pop band on his T-shirt, and both he and the blond looked equally terrified at my entrance.

“A-Are you good?” Carter stammered as I stood in the doorway like a fool, switching my focus between them, my hand, and all the glass on the floor.

The doorknob was actually gone. It was previously black, but now that color had been transferred into the shards as if it were stained glass.

“Did you break something? Are you okay?” Carter repeated after I didn’t answer.

“Is that the guy you like?” His friend mumbled and the blond turned red.

“What? Dude, no!” He swatted at him. “Can you just—I’m really busy!”

Carter walked away from me, leaving me to my own devices as he started bickering with his friend. I honestly didn’t mind and tuned them out, focusing on cleaning up my mess. I squatted down, collecting all the marbles and glass shards, luckily without cutting up my hands. They melted into a blob and while I at least had merged all the pieces, I still couldn’t transform it into anything.

“Carter, look at this!” I shouted and raised my arms to show him and his friend from across the room.

“What the fuck is that?” He ran over and reached for it, but I recoiled, afraid of what might happen if he touched it. It came from my hands so it couldn’t cut me I guess, but who knows what would happen if someone else intervened.

After staring at it for a few more seconds, I managed to turn it back into the doorknob. Of course, it wasn’t the same metal trinket as before but despite being clear, it still did the job and had the same mechanics. Someone would just have to screw it back in.

“Can you…”

“Make glass…” I mumbled.

“From your hands?” The darker man added in, looking over Carter’s shoulder who proceeded to reach for my hands, but I backed up.

“Don’t touch me! What if I fuck you up somehow!”

The blond shrugged and grabbed me anyway, staring at my palms. “Tough luck. Also, I’m pretty sure you touched me countless times yesterday and nothing happened, so I think everything’s fine.”

I continued shaking. Now I had one more thing to deal with. What kind of drug could fuck someone up to this extent? Maybe I did luck out and get some superpowers but how could glass hands even save somebody?

“No, I messed something up last night too!” I glanced back at his room. “It was dark, so I have no idea what actually happened.”

“Wait, what’s going on?” The other guy asked while fixing his glasses.

I looked around. “Wait…who are you?”

He reached out to shake my hand and I hesitated, of course, but still went along with it.

“Oh, I’m Aaron. I live in the apartment below Carter.” He flashed me a smile.

“Yeah, we were dormmates in our freshman year,” The blond added. “This is Jean. We’ve been friends for like, ever.”

“Nice!” He said and moved some dreads out of his face. “It’s nice to meet you, Jean. Do you live on campus?”

I shook my head, fiddling with the sweatshirt Carter had lent to me. “Nah, I don’t go here. I’m just freeloading, I guess?” I said and laughed. “Only for a little bit though. Also, I go by Asher.”

Aaron nodded and I heard Carter snicker. He would usually introduce me as ‘Asher,’ but every now and then he’d slip up. I never minded though.

When we first met back when we were eleven, I was going to correct him, but before I finished, he complimented my name. I always thought it sounded bland and despite my resentment towards my dad, Asher just sounded cooler.

That was until I heard Carter call me by my first name.

There was nothing weird behind the thought—I just like the way my first name rolled off his tongue. Nowadays, I’m kinda happy he’s the only one to call me that. We didn’t have nicknames for each other so that was the next best thing. It set him apart from everyone else.

Not to mention ‘Jean and Carter’ sounded way better to me than ‘Asher and Carter.’

“That tattoo’s pretty sick,” Aaron added in and gestured towards my neck. “You got any others?”

I chuckled. “No, not yet. But thanks.” I mumbled, rubbing the area. Maybe people really weren’t aware of the stories behind these but I’m sure everything would become public in due time.

I glanced at the doorknob which was by his room and looked back at my hands. “This has gotta be some sort of curse…” I mumbled.

“I mean, you knew you’d end up with some wack-ass side effects, right?” Carter joked.

“Well, yeah, no shit,” I said under my breath. “I just wasn’t expecting something as inhumane as this. I figured it would be something along the lines of those commercials for random new medicines, where half of the ad is just them listing fifty side effects as fast as they can.”

I walked to the kitchen counter but was reluctant to touch anything. “Glass comes from sand and sand comes from the ground. It’s not supposed to drip out of people’s palms or move like the people who do glass blowing!”

When I caught Aaron and Carter staring at me, they quickly looked away.

“Remind me of why you’re here again?” I said to his friend.

He chuckled. “Sorry, I’m the odd one out! I was just trying to hang out with Carter who said we could hang before break, but here he is, housing some superpowered alien.”

The blond snorted and I shot daggers at him.

“Fuck off, I’m not an alien,” I sighed and combed my fingers through my hair.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Ignore me.” He turned to Carter. “Even though you said you wouldn’t be, clearly, you’re busy. Are you free tomorrow, at least?”

Carter rubbed his beard with a red face. “I-I’m sorry. No. I just have a ton of stuff to do.”

“You said you’d be free! We were gonna meet up with the guys!”

“I know that!” He scoffed. “I didn’t mean to lie—I’ve just had my head up in the clouds for a while…” He mumbled.

“Is everything okay?”

There was an awkward pause and Aaron looked at me, only for me to quickly turn away. Hell if I knew what the fuck was going on with Carter. I’m sure he was mildly upset with me for…well, everything. Before jail, during jail, probably some stuff after. But for once maybe I didn’t have to be emotionally constipated alone.

“Yeah.” Carter finally answered.

“Dude, I can tell you’re lying.”

All he did was shrug in response.

“Is it about that guy? Your friend that got arrested?”

I perked up as the blond blushed some more.

“It’s just you hadn’t brought him up in a while, so I was wondering if there were any new updates. Is he okay? Are you okay?” Aaron looked at me. “Do you know?”

I shook my head quickly, unsure of what to say. I was happy with spectating. I guess it made sense that Carter reached out to other people, but I wondered what he said. Was he mad? Did he cry? In some odd universe, was he happy?

“I’m fine… Well, kind of. I don’t know. I can text you later or something but I’m okay. Thanks for asking though.”

Aaron smiled and patted my friend’s shoulder. From the way they looked at each other, I could tell they were close. I wasn’t sure in what way, and I was happy Carter had made more friends he could open up to after me, but I still wanted more details.

Eventually, they moved on and Aaron waved at me before leaving the apartment. I continued to lean on the kitchen counter as Carter avoided my gaze across the room. Total silence. He looked like a tomato.

“You two seem close,” I mumbled.

He looked up. “Huh? Ah yeah, I guess. I mean, if you share a room with someone for an entire school year, you’re bound to get that way.”

“So, you told him about me? I’m assuming?” I asked quietly. “Did me leaving the picture really mess you up that bad?” I chuckled. I’m not sure why I did. Probably to hide the shame. Carter was so sad before I met him—there’s no doubt it got worse when I disappeared.

“Don’t worry about it,” He muttered and walked to the fridge, beginning to dig for something. His movements were frantic. I could tell he was just trying to distract himself.

“I want to worry about it, Carter! You know how I am—I just want you to be okay!”

He laughed harshly, slamming the appliance shut. “Don’t give me that shit after you vanished out of thin air! You didn’t care about how anyone else felt at all! And even if you didn’t wanna talk to your mom or talk to Lloyd, I figured you’d at least talk to me!”

My stomach turned, but I deserved it.

“Like, sure, we’ve always been so close but…senior year got so weird. You’d still talk to me, sure, but…you seemed so closed off. Everything felt fake. I thought I did something.” His voice cracked. “Did I do something to you? Did I hurt you?”

The blond reached out to touch me, only to stop himself.

“No, Carter—you didn’t do anything.”

“Tell me the truth! You were mad at me, weren’t you?” He cried and started trying to cover his red face, but I already saw the tears falling.

“No, I promise! I was never mad at you, okay?!”

I was mad at everything besides him. I didn’t mean to distance myself from him, but I was so stressed. There got to a point where I couldn’t bear being with him because my heart would beat too fast, and I would freak out.

I had too much to handle. I always had to step in for my mom whenever she was too busy, and that was almost every day. What teenager who’s already boggled down with school can handle going to work, trying to cook for two other people, running errands, and taking care of an elementary schooler?

That was her job. Not mine.

But I couldn’t really blame her either. I wanted to step in—I couldn’t ever just leave people to their own devices. I wanted to help, but I was too afraid to ask for a break. Too afraid to just say no. I didn’t wanna be selfish.

I tried to contain the stress but there was only so much that spray painting, skateboarding, or playing sports could do, and eventually, my hobbies grew to weigh on me too. My mom didn’t have money to help me. Hell, if she were able to help herself, I probably wouldn’t even be in this mess.

Carter meant the world to me in so many different ways, but when my feelings for him resurfaced, I reached the tipping point.

There was no way I could tell him that.

I felt sick watching him break down in front of me like that. Ears red, face red, covered in tears, sobbing like when we were little.

Back in the day, he was always a crybaby. He got anxious about a ton of things and his sensitivity made him vulnerable to, well, everything. Though, I was always able to calm him down. I’d hold him as he sobbed all over my shirt, rubbing his head and helping him solve his problems.

Meanwhile, I wasn’t one to cry. I felt I never really had anything to cry about, especially since I was blinded by optimism and tried to overlook issues that upset me. Of course, that only worked for so long. The older you get, the more the rose-colored lenses seem to fade. It got so hard to be happy sometimes, so hard that I would cry myself to sleep.

My brother caught me once. It was probably the first time he’d seen me like that. I was curled up in my room blasting my ears with indie rock, oblivious to his presence until he poked my side. He was so anxious, but I didn’t know what to say.

He kept trying to hug me, and I kept pleading for him to leave. To leave and pretend like he’d never seen me. Don’t think about it, don’t tell anyone, just forget it all. It was terrible. I felt so worthless.

From then on, I always locked my bedroom door. Then, if someone knocked, I’d have enough time to wipe my face, blow my nose, and act as if nothing happened.

Crying always made me feel like shit. People knew me for my bright and bubbly personality, and I wanted to live up to that and never feel anything else. Sure, if you insulted me or someone I cared about, I’d turn on you on a dime, but smiling was my default expression. It’s just how I was.

I was friends with everyone, athletic to a degree, a complete busy body, and even if I wasn’t good at all of my classes, I still made the most of it and tried to lend a hand whenever I could.

I adopted Carter as my introvert and brought him into the crowd. He had spent all of elementary school hiding and alone and I wanted to see him smile too.

My anger was my biggest flaw. Yet, I’d rather have Carter see me like that than with a face full of tears. Sometimes I cried a bit when he got upset because it was hard to see him like that, but I didn’t want him to think I was a mess. I always wanted him to lean on me. If he thought I was boggled down with stuff, he wouldn’t come to me. He needed an outlet just as much as I did.

I just didn’t want it to seem like I was using him as my personal tissue box.

Carter would break down in seconds and it got better as he got older, but I was almost jealous. While I would try and brush off those negative emotions, he’d let them show, express them, and deal with it. It made me kind of proud. He never did that at first, but I managed to get him to talk to me. Meanwhile…

“I want you to talk to me,” Carter cried. “Please!”

“Dude, I just—I can’t right now. I’m sorry.”

In senior year when I would look at him from across the classroom, flirting with his girlfriend and cracking jokes with kids on the debate team, I started feeling like he was better off without me. Even as I backed off, he still seemed so happy. He didn’t need me anymore.

Sure, I wanted him, but that would only cause problems. I needed to move on.

“Why?! You’ve had two fuckin’ years to think, right?” He yelled. “If not now, when?!” He grabbed my hand, but I quickly pulled back.

“I can’t do this,” I mumbled, my eyes stinging. “I think I should go. I’m sorry.”

His eyes widened. “What? Go where?!”

“I don’t know!” I yelled at the floor. “Not here, clearly! Look at all you’ve done!” I waved my hands around. “You’re at college, right? You’re a sophomore, you have your own apartment for God’s sake, and clearly, you’ve made new friends! What use am I, huh?! You don’t need me anymore!”

The boy cried even harder, trying to wipe his face clean with no succession. “What are you talking about—of course I need you! You don’t even have anywhere to go!”

I scoffed. “I can just go back to jail! That’s where I should be anyway…” I started walking towards the door, only for Carter to yank me back and into an embrace. The moment he touched me, the tears started falling.

“Let go of me! I’m worse than I was before, and you don’t deserve this!” I yelled and attempted to wrestle him off. “Let me go!”

“No.” He whispered, tightly clinging to me. He led me to the floor, and we sat down as I tried to calm myself down. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

He laid on my shoulder as I sat with my back to him. “W-We can just talk. We can talk this out. I promise I won’t leave you in the dark, you’ve gotta believe me.”

I placed my hand over his that rested against my sweatshirt. It was warm.

“Please don’t leave again,” He muttered unsteadily. “Please. I won’t be able to take it.”

I leaned back, staring at the ceiling as my body finally warmed up again. Carter’s breath against my neck felt nice, but this still wasn’t what I wanted.

“C’mon, you already survived this long without me, right?” I chuckled harshly. “Some people you just gotta let go, y’know, to make room for better ones.”

“No.”

“Carter, please.”

The blond pushed me off him and onto the floor, towering above me. He pinned my wrists to the floor, still crying.

“Shut the fuck up, will you?!” He wept. “You’re my best friend! No one can replace you! I wouldn’t be here without you, do you understand me?”

I gulped. I couldn’t seem to look away from him.

“Just stop talking, okay?! You’re making no sense and everything you keep pulling out of your ass is just making me feel worse! Shut up! Okay?!”

I held my tongue.

“Jean!”

“Fine!” I hissed, attempting to move my hands, but he still had me pinned down. “Just, get off!”

Carter tightened his grip. “Only if you promise you won’t run.”

God, he looked so scared.

“I just…” The blond started again. “I don’t get it. Do you want me to throw you away? Do you want me to, so you don’t have to? Do you really just not want me anymore—tell me the truth, I can take it!”

“N-No, that’s not it. I just…don’t wanna be a burden,” I mumbled and finally looked away from him, staring at the cabinets.

“W-What?” Carter released his grip on my wrists and sat up, looking me over. “Jean,” He mumbled and leaned down, hugging me on the floor. “You’re never a burden.”

I tensed up as he held me. He smelled so good, and his body felt so nice that I forgot what was going on for a few seconds.

“I mean it.” The blond added, lifting me up so both of us were finally sitting for once.

“Okay,” I mumbled.

“Make sure you never forget that.”

I exhaled, finally relaxing against him as he combed his fingers through my hair.

“Okay.”

He tried to let go, but I didn’t budge. We stayed like that for a while. It was weird, but I liked it. It really felt nice to be held for once. I felt like I had spent my entire life holding other people and never got enough of the same treatment.

Leave it to Carter to always be there though.

“Let’s do this,” The blond began before I fell asleep in his arms. “Since it’s the middle of the afternoon, we’ve been up for a while, and I don’t have any good food, let’s order a pizza.” He chuckled. “I don’t know about you, but I can’t do any more of this on an empty stomach.

I smiled a little, finally letting him go. “Alright.”

He looked me over and I stared back. I would’ve kissed him right then and there if I knew it wouldn’t cause more problems. I just loved seeing that dorky grin of his.

Carter helped me up and while he searched for his phone, I wandered over to the couch.

“You’re cool with just cheese, right?”

“Mhm.”

I laid back a bit, examining his apartment as the blond paced to and fro. The entire main room was way cleaner than his bedroom, which I found funny. I guess it was best to leave the mess in an area where you could hide it just by shutting a door.

The kitchen was by the entrance and what I dubbed the living room with the couch and TV, were in the back. Most of the light came from the screen door which led to the balcony.

The atmosphere was so nice. I’d love to live here all the time, or at least have my own but man, would I be broke as hell afterward. I would need like six roommates.

“Alright, food’ll be here in like fifteen minutes or so,” Carter yelled from across the room as I examined his interior design skills.

The walls were grey and there was a blue accent wall by the TV. There were also a ton of wooden accents too, I guess, like the bookshelves and the coffee table. Everything had a manly vibe, but I never remembered Carter having an artsy side. That was my thing.

“You like?” The blond chuckled while walking over. “I’m glad I’ve been relatively clean recently since you’re analyzing everything. Well,” He sat beside me. “Aside from my room, I guess.”

I laughed. “True. Did you get special permission to paint the walls? It looks nice.”

“Yeah, thanks. The white was blinding, especially since that door lets in direct light almost all hours of the day. It was like staring at the snow on a sunny day.” He snickered. “I swore I needed sunglasses just to exist.”

“That’s fair,” I mused, still looking around. I spotted a few game consoles on the TV stand. “Everything looks pretty good.”

He shrugged. “Eh, I can’t take all the credit. My parents helped me, along with a few of Maya’s friends. I never knew Rachel was good at interior design but now I get why she’s majoring in it.”

I chuckled awkwardly and looked away. “Nice.”

“What?”

“Nah,” I shook my head. “It’s nothing.”

He squinted at me. “Dude—talk to me.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s nothing, really. I was just wondering if…y’all were still a thing? You and Maya.”

Carter broke into laughter, catching me off guard with the sudden outburst. “God no! I dropped her ages ago! Before we graduated, even!”

I had to hold back my grin. “Damn, what the hell happened? Before I left, you two were all buddy-buddy. It was honestly kind of annoying…”

The curly-haired boy kept laughing. “Honestly then I was still just putting up with her. She was clingy and I was worried about…other stuff.” He rubbed his neck. “And when you left, she just got clingier and tried to drag me out everywhere, even though almost everyone knew that I just wanted to stay in my room.”

“Like,” He went on. “Before then, she was okay! I just grew to realize she had no empathy for anyone. She wanted you to fawn over her, but God forbid it be the other way around! The moment you left, I swear, she became so high maintenance.” He rolled his eyes. “It was annoying as fuck.”

I chuckled. “Then I’ll take it that you’re not still friends.”

“Hell no. I mean, I still hang with a few of her friends, but definitely not her. It sucks it couldn’t have been a mutual breakup, but I mean, she was the one who refused to accept that she was the problem.”

No doubt she was the problem. Carter and I were close as hell and the moment they started dating, she intentionally tried to drag him away from me. I played it off like it was nothing and continued to be nice, but somewhere deep down I swore she hated me. I would bet money on it.

“So…are you back on the market?” I asked cautiously.

Carter exhaled and leaned against the armrest so he could see me better. “Not necessarily. I’m really just trying to focus on college and whatnot.” He paused and looked at his lap, flushed. “And honestly, I was still hung up on you.” He laughed to himself. “I missed you, I hoped you were alive and well…wherever you were, and I just kept overthinking all the things that could’ve led up to it.”

The blond shook his head. “I just missed you, is all. I relied on you so much that I didn’t know what to do with myself when you were gone.”

He was smiling, but I could see the pain behind his eyes. I considered opening my mouth, but I knew I’d just spout some dumb garbage again.

“Anyway,” He cut himself off. “Now to the important stuff.”

I perked up.

“I probably could’ve just told you all this last night but that was hella chaotic so, anyway—we’re in Lewisburg cuz I go to Bucknell, which my apartment’s like five minutes from.”

“Wait and where is that exactly?” I asked since I was terrible at geography.

“It’s like three hours from home, give or take. We’re just further up North.” He laughed a bit. “And most of my professors don’t have class this week since Thanksgiving is this Thursday. I mean, some do but I don’t care so I’m not going.”

I chuckled. “What a rebel. I mean, if it’s November I guess in that case I was nearing the three-year mark for my sentence. Before we know it, it’ll be March again.”

He sighed. “Yeah… You being gone—it feels like it’s been forever but also barely anything at the same time.” He rubbed his head, staring at his lap. “I wanted to find you the moment you were gone. I couldn’t think of anything else. I wanted to see your face and, y’know, see you happy for once. It felt like it’d been too long.”

I blushed, unsure of what to say. “Maybe he does like me,” I mumbled under my breath while looking off to the side, but Carter managed to hear my thoughts slip out my mouth.

“What?! Why wouldn’t I like you, you idiot!” He glared at me. “If it weren’t for you, I’d probably be living in my parent’s basement, no job, no plan—no nothing! I’d just be playing video games until my fingers fall off because I feared the real world too much!”

He fiddled with the strings of his sweatpants. “You took me out of my box, you showed me that I was way smarter than I thought I was—you freed me from that little world I was living in. I was so afraid of getting hurt and made fun of and my self-esteem was so low, but with you, I finally had a reason to go outside.”

He smiled at me, but he looked like he was gonna cry again. Some of those things I already knew, but he barely admitted any of that when we were kids. Sure, he was shy, but I never knew why no one else thought he was smart or funny. No one else took the time to get into his mind and understand all the stories and art that burst from his imagination.

“I felt…so terrible before I met you. And then, I don’t know—it’s like you fixed me.” He chuckled and covered his face. “I missed so much time to hang out with you when I was with Maya. You got so mad, and I felt horrible for always putting her first when you knew me way longer than she did! You remember that!”

I rubbed my arm and nodded. That day was awful. I went over to his house on a Saturday morning, the day after he went out with her and her friends to the mall.

I felt forgotten.

It was the most painful argument I ever had. I didn’t cry, but I felt selfish for seemingly pouring all my hatred onto Carter. I wanted to take back those words, but I also wanted him to know how I felt. He always had time for her, somehow. As I neared my arrest, I noticed how whenever I needed him, even though I hated myself for wanting him so bad, he was never there. Even when I just wanted to look at him, he was always looking at her.

Nonetheless, I still acted like everything was fine.

“No, Carter, I went off on you that day. I was mad for all the wrong reasons, and I still feel bad, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? I never should’ve treated you that way!” He sighed. “Maybe if I had the balls to break it off with her when she got obsessive, you would’ve talked to me back then.”

“C’mon, the past is in the past, dude. It’s fine. You shouldn’t let me get in the way of your love life—it’s not worth it. You’ll get married one day and I’ll just have to deal with it.”

Carter didn’t have a comeback and despite how I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, I could feel his eyes on me.

“You were so upset back then…” He reached out to grab my hand, but I flinched. “Just…I want you to know that I really appreciate you for all you’ve done. And now I wanna pay you back. You deserve it.”

We finally locked eyes and despite his smile, my stomach was swarming with butterflies, and I was freezing.

“Do you remember the summer before ninth grade?” I asked abruptly, only for the blond to cringe the moment I opened my mouth.

“Why…are you bringing that up again? We were just being stupid hormonal kids.” He fidgeted with his hands, blushing. “God, I just wanna forget about it.”

I hoped by some foreign miracle, he’d be happy to remember it. That he wouldn’t hate it. But alas, that would only be true in a fairytale. I just didn’t understand—I couldn’t process it.

I had never seen him so happy. So what, he dated Maya. I swore we were more affectionate than they were, in our own middle schooler way. He would cling to me and laugh for ages while I played with his hair and showered him with kisses. I could just smile at him and he would turn red.

What the hell happened?

How did ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m worried about you’ and ‘you mean everything to me’ become solely platonic? How could he just drop that all and move on? For fuck’s sake—he was clingier than I was!

He wanted me to sleep over every night, he would snuggle against me every second he got! Sure, we’re best friends but it hurt to know he didn’t love me like that anymore.

I didn’t wanna keep holding it in because it was half of what got me into this mess, but there was no way I could tell him. I could him the truth about everything but that.

I clenched my fists, holding back my tears. All I had to do was take the negativity, store it away in a little box in my gut, and throw away the key. It wasn’t a guaranteed or even a healthy fix, but it worked for right now.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “Just—I don’t know. I forgot what we were talking about but I’m sure it’s more important than…that.”

The blond leaned over and pulled a stack of papers out from under the couch. “Uh yeah. Well, I have these.” He handed me one. “Y’know, the real business.”

I skimmed it over.

“When you were gone, I got set on finding you. I did non-stop research about the facilities after your family told me what happened. But frankly, I was too insane in the membrane to comprehend anything, so I just tried to move on.” He laughed a bit.

“After a year or so, I got a better hold of my emotions, made some new friends at college—all that good stuff, only to get back into the grind. You’d think I was a journalist—researching mugshots, listening to podcasts, analyzing different news sources.” He glanced at the papers. “I printed out everything I could get my hands on.”

He sifted through a few and grabbed a pile that were covered in sticky notes and pen.

“I started finding these underground articles and forums with tons of rumors. I overlooked them at first, but then I thought if it was the truth, I wanted to know every single detail.”

“Most new criminals,” he went on, “Between the ages of eighteen and somewhere in their twenties were given the option to be sedated instead of imprisoned. Most were urged to go and get drugged, since, not like the government was telling anyone, they were trying to kill off that demographic. Seemingly insane, delinquent young adult men. Side effects were practically guaranteed, the main one being death, which they lied about.”

My stomach turned.

“It was like if a parent kicked their kid out of the house for saying a bad word. The government didn’t want to risk more crimes and was pretty much sending them to death row, without a trial. And it didn’t matter the crime. Assault, murder, hit and run—if you were in that demographic, you could and were recommended to choose the other route.”

I studied the papers, reading over the low-level crimes that were listed. Yes, we signed off on our choice and death was possible, but it was uncommon, not guaranteed. I read on further.

People were dying within months. Some drugs were actually used for medical tests while most were intentionally trying to kill us and likely shortening our life spans.

“I hoarded as much info as I could as the reports got taken down. I knew I had to find you. Every moment I got, I did more research. About the lab, the security, how long it’d take to get there, and how I’d get inside. I even drove back home when my parents were out of town and stole my dad’s gun,” He laughed to himself, but he was anxious.

“Your dad has a gun?!”

He chuckled. “Several actually. I never really knew, I just snooped around the house for suspicious boxes and found a ton of them. I just took one of the simple handguns and then for weeks on end, fucked around at a shooting range.”

I grinned. “Damn, so you can drive a motorcycle and shoot a gun! Maybe I should fear you!”

The blond rolled his eyes. “Oh, shut up.”

“Wait so…last night you were armed.”

“Y-Yeah.”

“Wow. That’s uh, that’s kinda cool.” I smirked and Carter turned red. “But,” I went on. “What was up with all the explosions? Did you do that?”

“God no. My job was to get in, grab you, get out, and shoot anyone who got in my way. Little did I know, some gang somewhere decided to ambush the place. Maybe they knew about the intentions behind it. Nonetheless, they’d be killing the unconscious patients along with the doctors.”

He grabbed his head. “It made it more stressful than it needed to be, but it also made it easier to get you. No one was in my way and I didn’t have to shoot anybody!” He beamed.

“Dude, that’s fucking awesome!” I yelled, shaking him by the shoulders. “And I thought I was the tough guy—look at you!”

He chuckled, completely flustered. “Nah dude, it was really just a phase. The adrenaline and my desire for you to not die kept me going,” He joked. “I mean, I would definitely kill for you, but I feel like I could never pull something off like that again.”

“C’mon, don’t sell yourself short!”

“I mean, maybe if we were working together, sure. Think of that, huh! Jean and Carter! Mob bosses!”

We laughed for a while but then I stopped and glanced back at one of the papers.

“Wait, wait, wait. People were dying within months,” I repeated. “How the fuck did I survive two years?! Am I just gonna randomly not wake up one day thanks to all that?!”

Carter tensed up. “I mean, the people who were older died faster. You’re healthy as hell and always exercised, so I think it’ll take a lotta work to knock you out for good. You’re pretty good at bouncing back up!” He chuckled, returning to his previous expression after pondering for a bit.

“Just think of yesterday! You couldn’t walk, you could barely see, you were coughing like you had pneumonia and yet here you are, perfectly fine! Breathing, smiling, and mobile!”

I shrugged. “True, true.”

“You’ve always had one hell of an immune system. I got you out of there before it got bad, excluding the ambush. But!” He grabbed my hands. “If you feel sick, woozy, anything, I need you to tell me. I’ll get you help ASAP.”

“O-Okay! Wow…God, you really did go above and beyond, didn’t you?” I said softly, gazing at his embarrassed, yet prideful grin. I moved my hands and pulled him into a hug. “You’re fucking amazing dude.”

He laughed, leaning on my shoulder.

“Words can’t describe how fuckin’ crazy that is or how crazy you are for pulling all of that off! I guess I really did luck out falling in love with a genius.”

“Eh! What are you talking about?!” Carter snorted and the sound made me laugh even harder. My face hurt from smiling, but I liked it.

“I’m kidding! I’m kidding!” I leaned back.

He snickered. “I see you’ve still got tons of gay jokes tucked under your sleeves. You ever gonna outgrow that?”

I rolled my eyes. “Shut up, man. You’re seriously like, the smartest person I know though. Very practical, very organized, at least work-wise—what I’m trying to say is thank you.”

“I know. Leave it to you to string out one simple phrase, eh?”

I shoved him. “Shut up, nerd. Just be happy that I’m happy!”

Carter leaned in, combing his fingers through my hair and pushing it out of my face. Despite his deep voice, facial hair, and ungodly height, Carter still looked like a kid when he laughed, especially when it was at me.

All he’d have to do is give me a toothy grin for just a few seconds and at least half of his face would turn red. I loved it.

“Of course, I’m happy you’re happy!” He beamed.

The more I looked at him, the more I realized how close our faces were, so I leaned back, terrified of getting carried away somehow.

It was always my desire to save other people instead of having them save me, but I enjoyed being his damsel in distress. Or maybe his delinquent in distress.

To know that he went through so much really warmed my heart. Platonic or not, he at least loved me enough to risk his life for me, and nothing could beat that.