Barcode Boy

The next morning, Carter shook me awake. I had slept through his alarm, and he kept rubbing my arm, but it was more soothing than disruptive. I rolled onto my back and saw that he was already dressed. I closed my eyes back.

He shook me some more, chuckling. “C’mon, stop going back to sleep. I already gave you an extra hour.”

I groaned and rolled back over, feeling him get off the bed.

“I left that outfit you wanted in the bathroom. Just come out into the living room when you’re done.”

I finally sat up, rubbing my eyes. “What time is it?” I mumbled.

“It’s around one. Our stuff’s already by the door and we’ll get an Uber to the station. You don’t really have to rush, but don’t dilly-dally either.”

I nodded slowly.

“You alright?”

“Mhm.”

“You look like you’re still asleep.”

I nodded again and Carter laughed.

“Don’t worry, you can sleep on the train.”

He left the room and I dragged myself into the bathroom, taking another shower to wake myself up. I was so out of it that when I turned on the water, I melted the handle and scared the shit out of myself. Luckily, however, they were already glass so it was easier to fix, and Carter probably wouldn’t even see the difference.

I washed my hair again and pulled it into a ponytail, covering my tattoo with a band-aid since that made it more visible. The only place I ever considered getting a tattoo was on my arms. Sometime in high school, Carter came up with the idea of us getting matching tattoos on our biceps. I used my mom’s Pinterest account to get ideas and we decided on one of those tribal tattoos, but only a ring of some of the patterns.

I wondered if he still remembered after so long. Hopefully, that plan hadn’t gone out the window when I left.

Carter was eating cereal when I left his room and he started laughing when he saw me, almost choking on his food.

“What the hell’s your deal?” I chuckled awkwardly.

“Nah, it’s just—you actually look really good in that!” He pointed to the weird purple shirt he gave me.

I only had freckles on my face and on my shoulders, and now both spots were visible. They were one of my favorite features, so I didn’t mind too much, even though it was causing a draft.

“I know right!” I tucked the shirt into my jeans. “Can I keep it?” I walked over and started eating some cereal out of the box.

“Sure, I guess. I have no use for it.”

After placing his bowl in the sink, he opened the closet and handed me a hoodie. “You should carry this in case you get cold.”

I held it up with one hand while licking some cinnamon sugar off my fingers. I squinted at the graphic on the front.

“Be greater than average?”

He blushed. “It’s a math pun. I don’t really wear it much so you can keep it if you’d like.”

I tied it around my waist after washing my hands as Carter threw his converse on. He dug further through the closet and to my surprise, pulled out Doc Martens while I closed the box.

“You can also have these. I don’t wear ‘em.”

“You have Docs?! Since when?! Where did you get those?”

He shrugged as I started putting them on. “They were a Christmas gift. But you know me, I just wear sneakers,” He chuckled. “They’re also too big but they’ll probably fit you.”

I stood up. “These are fucking awesome! I wanna drop kick something now!”

Carter started laughing and tossed his water bottle at me, which I punted across the room. To our luck, it didn’t explode, but it was also seconds from hitting the TV.

“Holy shit man! You’re dangerous!” He grabbed the bags. “Have you worn those before?!”

“Nope! But I’m glad I am now! Now I don’t have to get my own,” I snickered. “And these’ll at least keep my feet warm.”

Carter continued laughing as we left the apartment. We sat on a bench outside of his complex as I took in the sights, now that I was finally out in the sunlight. Autumn and Summer were probably my favorite seasons.

Winter was way too cold, and Spring just flared up my allergies. I loved how green everything was during the hot weather, as well as the fact that I could flaunt my muscles in tank tops and shorts without getting cold.

Though, aside from the weather, I still think I’d put Autumn on a pedestal. It wasn’t too cold, nor too hot, and the colors of the trees were beautiful. As a kid, I loved running around and collecting the brightest leaves I could find.

I’d always give the orange ones to my mom because they were her favorite.

Then again, most of my best memories came from the Summer. I was still indecisive, though as I zoned out, Carter nudged me while holding his phone.

“You met Blair?”

“Huh?”

He showed me the screen. “She’s spamming me about you.” He chuckled. “I mean, most likely. You’re the only ‘Asher’ I know. She says she gave you her number, but you didn’t text her.”

“O-Oh, yeah. She stopped by when I was with Aaron. I mean, I’d probably be talking to her right now if I had my phone,” I sighed.

He continued texting her. “Ah.”

“She’s pretty cute, y’know?”

He nodded.

“Why don’t you like her? She’s like, totally your type. Mine too. Unless your tastes have changed.” I mused.

He shrugged. “I mean, if you’re so pressed, you can ask her out.” He said, unphased. “She’s not into me and I’m not into her so you can do whatever you want.”

I scoffed. “She was talking pretty highly about you yesterday. We were practically fangirling while Aaron tried to tune us out.”

He gave me a weird look. “Fangirling about me?”

“More or less yeah.”

To my surprise, Carter didn’t have much of a reaction. I knew I was on thin ice when it came to conversations like this, but it was the only way I could confirm my assumptions.

“If you really like her, just tell her when we get back home.” He stated. “Honestly, she fangirls over everyone, so I don’t really mind. You probably have a good chance. Then again,” He laughed. “You were always kinda weird when you liked girls.”

I rolled my eyes. “No I wasn’t, piss off.”

He smirked. “Yeah, you were. You could flirt with anyone at any given second but the moment it could lead to an actual relationship, you lost all your words and tip-toed around the subject.”

“Tch, like you were any better. If it weren’t for watching me, you probably wouldn’t have any skills at all. Half of your flirts are plays on mine.” I grumbled.

Carter tensed up, and I could only assume that he read my eyes again. “S-Sorry, I just hoped you’d luck out with Blair maybe since you two were already getting along after one day.” He chuckled. “Maybe something with her would last for more than a week.”

Now he was throwing shade.

I was weird around girls who I found attractive, yes, but also because I was forcing myself to focus on them so I wouldn’t somehow turn back to obsessing over Carter.

It worked for the most part, but it was also for popularity points. Being with me made them cooler, and sometimes vice versa. It seemed bad, but it was all harmless since we never did anything.

“Oh, fuck off! I’ve dated people for more than a week, bozo. And at least I had variety! You only had Maya!”

He clicked his tongue. “Okay and? It was my first long-term relationship! We lasted almost the entire school year!” He pointed his finger at me. “And I even lost my virginity!”

I leaned back. “Way to rub it in my face, asshole. So, you slept with a skank you hated. How is that a flex?”

The blond stared at his lap. “It’s not.” He admitted.

“Well, I mean for ages you were proud of that. Even when she started getting crazy, at least to me, you still used it to boost your ratings.”

“I wish I waited.”

“Waited? What guy wants to wait to lose their virginity?”

He gave me a half-smile. “You say, having never slept with any of those chicks.”

I chuckled as Carter sat up some more.

“I mean, of course I know now, but even back then she wasn’t the one. I didn’t even want to do it. I kinda just pushed myself and by then I was past the point of return, listened to my dick instead of my brain, and had sex with a girl who threw me away because she couldn’t respect the fact that men have feelings, too.” He hissed. “It was just thirty minutes of discomfort. She enjoyed herself and I acted like I was too, and while sure, I got turned on and got some sort of pleasure out of it, I felt awful.”

He rubbed his face. “Then again, what pussy of a man either doesn’t wanna have sex or manages to get peer pressured into it. We barely touched each other on a daily basis and yet we went all the way. Maybe she wanted me to prove I actually loved her.” The boy laughed coldly. “Clearly I didn’t.”

Carter looked so frustrated. Even though Maya went crazy, I never would’ve suspected that having sex with her was such a regret. He bragged about it for weeks on end.

I suppose he was just trying to convince himself and move on.

“I’d rather die than do that all over again. I’m sure some of the other girls I’ve met on campus would be fine but…I just can’t see myself with any of them. The thought grosses me out, no matter how hot they are.”

I stared at Carter and when he noticed, he turned red and covered his mouth.

“S-Shit—I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent.” He wiped his palms on his jeans. “Just ignore all that. I was thinking out loud.”

“No, it’s fine.”

I watched as his leg bounced on the concrete, anxious as hell. In an attempt to console him, I placed my hand on his thigh and rubbed one of the worn spots on his jeans.

“I’m sorry you had to put up with that, as well as carry it with you for so long.”

He stared at his lap.

“But,” I went on. “I don’t want one bad moment like that to completely ruin your sex life, y’know? Maya shouldn’t have the power to screw you up like for years to come.”

“Your hand’s cold…” He muttered randomly.

“Huh? They’re almost always like that now. Why are you…?”

“Do you wish you ever had a time machine?”

“What?”

He grabbed my hand. “Y’know, so you could go back in time and just stop yourself from doing stupid shit. I’d love to be seventeen again if I could still carry all the wisdom I had now.”

I chuckled. “Yeah. That would be awesome.” I feared him bringing up my incident again, but he stayed quiet.

It felt weird—us holding hands. It hadn’t happened in ages, especially for so long. Sure, we’d drag each other places or there was earlier when he was examining my palms with the whole glass thing, but this was different.

His hand was sweaty, but I, being cold, liked it. That’s always how it was.

I wanted to lean on his shoulder, give him a hug, or do something else to add to it. Then, I thought of what he said in the middle of playing that indie game, and instinctively let go, wiping my hand on my jeans afterward.

You indirectly call me a fag yet hold my hand.

And then you ask why I won’t tell you the truth.

Why the fuck do you think?

In one case, he’d might understand. In another, he could lash out and make me feel like shit. Carter wasn’t one to lash out, though. That was my thing, but I couldn’t really go off of what I thought were accurate assumptions anymore. Cleary, seven or eight years with him didn’t help me figure out anything.

We were both in the dark about each other.

Once our ride came, it only took us around twenty minutes to get to the station. I felt my heart jump when I saw how crowded was, but I pushed through and left the car. I had never ridden a train, so I didn’t know what to expect and was surprised when they didn’t have fifty layers of security like the TSA.

Though I didn’t have my passport or any sort of ID on me, Carter played it off that I was a minor and we entered our train car quickly after. Maybe having a slight babyface wasn’t so bad.

Our bags were the right weight, so we had no issue there and loaded our stuff overhead after finding our seats.

Carter took the one by the window and we talked for a while as the rest of the passengers boarded. The one thing I realized I hadn’t caught up on was what my family had been doing all this time.

According to Carter, or more his mom, my mom finally had enough money to go to therapy once I left. Lloyd on the other hand, missed out for the most part but before the blond went to college, he spent a lot of time at Carter’s house. It made sense though. Carter might as well have been his brother too with how often we all hung out or babysat him.

Rumor is that no one goes into my room anymore, aside from maybe the first month when Lloyd would sleep in my bed. Eventually, my mom kicked him out.

Carter apparently still has some clothes of mine from the hundreds of times when I would stay the night and shower at his place. Oddly enough, he admitted to liking the scent of them, but then freaked out when his mother washed them by mistake.

Another case of ‘is this guy a closeted homophobe’ or ‘was he just depressed?’ Or both.

Eventually though, our conversing wore down, the jokes ceased, and the train took off. I thought of how he really just described how everyone fared aside from himself, but I tried to ignore it.

My mom was stressed, Lloyd talked less than he did before which was barely at all, Carter’s mom took care of my brother at times, and his dad was unnerved by how upset Carter was about me.

His dad was never the greatest fan of me. He treated me nicely, but the blond told me how he always thought of me as a troublemaker and thought we were way too close. Who knows what would’ve happened if he caught us that summer?

“You wanna share?” Carter asked abruptly, offering me one of his AirPods.

“Sure.” I pushed up the armrest so there wouldn’t be an awkward gap in between us. “You should play all the Saint Motel albums.”

“Sounds like a plan.” He said, scrolling through his phone.

We made weird eye contact as he leaned against the window. The song from Monday wasn’t the only one we knew all the words to, but though we smirked at one another, I knew he wasn’t gonna sing.

I enjoyed seeing the scenery go by, but other than that, the trip was pretty boring. I didn’t have a phone or any way to pass the time, so I grabbed a pamphlet out of the seat pouch and started melting it.

Now that I was starting to get the hang of it, the process was similar to messing with clay and was a decent way to pass the time for a while. That and eating half of the snacks in our bag just to give myself something to do.

I glanced at Carter, who had his eyes closed. His curls were smushed against the window but from the angle I was at, it made his afro look bigger. He looked so cozy in his giant sage hoodie. I had already taken mine off after warming up somehow.

I leaned forward and poked his cheek, thinking that he couldn’t have fallen asleep that fast, but no. He was out. It was kinda fun to watch him sleep for a while, though.

When I looked around, everyone had their faces in books or phones. It was relatively quiet except for your screaming kid here and there. If it weren’t for his earbuds, I’d probably be weirded out.

I couldn’t fall asleep as fast as he did and use it to pass the time. Not to mention, I wasn’t even tired. It was the middle of the afternoon and though I was drowsy when I first woke up, I grew used to it.

I stared at the blond for a bit longer.

It had been so long. So many years since that summer. Ages since I’d been with someone I actually liked and wanted to kiss and wanted to hold.

God, I remember all the times I would topple over him on the couch. The TV was on mute, or the game was paused. It was just our breathing and the whirring of the AC.

The weeks we didn’t have camp, we’d often fool around in his basement. No one was home—we could do whatever we wanted. I still remembered the day were really had our first kiss.

He clung to me for so long and he was so damn warm. And smooth. And cute. The sounds he would make, the things he would say—everything. We barely did anything but even looking back, it all still seemed amazing.

Fuck.

I looked him over, feeling like such a pervert as he slept against the window. I just wanted him back, but I didn’t wanna risk him hating me. If we stopped being friends, especially after so long, I don’t know what I’d do.

What would even be the point anymore?

I held the side of Carter’s face, rubbing my fingers across his stubble. Even if he hated me for the rest of my life, I just wanted to do it one more time.

At this rate, it seemed like he’d never like me again anyway.

I combed one of my hands through his golden curls before leaning in and pressing my lips to his. I had one eye open to keep watch on his facial expressions, though he seemed fine until I got carried away and slid my tongue into his mouth.

He groaned a little as I placed my finger under his chin and the sound made me twitch, but I didn’t pull back. I knew I should’ve and the practical side of me wanted to, yet I just wanted to get closer. I was overheating so much that it felt like I was dying, but it was ages since I actually had a rush.

As I ran my hand across his thigh, the blond made another sound, his eyes slowly rolling open afterward. I froze and he stared at me for a second, but it was like he was still asleep.

He shifted a bit against the window. “You taste good…” He mumbled, closing his eyes back.

He was definitely still out. Though, did he think I was someone else? By some bizarre chance, did he think I was Maya?

“So do you,” I muttered and kissed him again.

He let out another groan as I slid my hand under his hoodie and up his stomach. He was kinda sweaty but when he trembled some more, I took safety precautions and pulled back a bit. There was no way I could ask him if he was thinking of me. At this point, it didn’t even matter.

I wiped some saliva off his lip, preparing to kiss him but then I saw his teal eyes and moved back a few inches.

He blinked a bit as I waited for another horny statement, but it never came. I was practically in his lap and I had my hand on his thigh, only for him to completely wake up and recoil into the window.

“Ow—shit! What are you doing in my face?!”

I jumped back. “I-I’m sorry! I was bored—I wanted to see how long it’d take you to wake up so,” I chuckled awkwardly. “I uh, I just kept poking you and stuff.”

Carter was bright red and then I saw him lick his lips after grazing them with his fingers. Oh God. He looked off to the side for a bit.

“I really didn’t mean to freak you out!”

He laughed. “It’s cool. I-I just didn’t expect to see you right in my face.” He smiled. “Did you want something…or what.”

“Uh, no sorry…” I mumbled. “I was just bored.”

He rubbed his eyes. “Ah.”

I shifted awkwardly as Carter looked me over and then dozed back off. All I could do was look at him. I glanced at his lap.

He was totally hard.

I mean, I was too but that was beside the point.

Was he really just gonna go back to sleep like that? That shit was uncomfortable as hell. Then again, it’d be worse to bring it up. He didn’t seem to know what I did. Now I just got to carry that disgusting secret with me for the rest of the ride.

Somewhere along the way, I managed to fall asleep. Carter was sitting with his back against the chair again, and I noticed I was on his shoulder. He didn’t seem to mind though. Despite being against him, I was cold again.

I glanced at his phone as he browsed Instagram. I think we didn’t have much longer to go. I finally sat back up and grabbed the snack bag.

“You have a nice nap?” He joked.

“Mm.” I sifted through the snacks, only to find that half of them were gone. “How much of these did you eat?”

He shrugged. “Sorry, it was a good pass time.”

I chuckled, pulling out some fruit snacks. I threw my hoodie back on and glanced at the blond. The moment I saw his lips I thought of earlier again. For a second, I thought it was all a bad dream, but no. I really did take advantage of my best friend when he was asleep. Though, it seemed that he was still unaware.

I considered bringing it up but that would just cause more problems. Some secrets just needed to stay secret.

Once we were in Phili, we grabbed our bags and caught a ride to Chesterbrook. It was already past dinnertime so we stopped by some random restaurant in the neighborhood.

It was weird to feel all the nostalgia again. The parks, the shopping centers, even that one street sign that someone hit and no one ever fixed. It remained diagonal.

When we got into Carter’s house, it was already dark. His parents were likely asleep, so we snuck upstairs to his room and dropped our bags by the door.

It was more of a guest room than an office since there was at least a bed, but a ton of his dad’s stuff was scattered everywhere. The blond started moving stuff around but when he caught a glance of me, he flinched.

“Holy shit, are you crying?”

I changed into my pajamas. “Yeah,” I mumbled, throwing on some sweatpants as he did the same and sat on his bed.

“W-Why? Are you okay?”

“It’s nothing.” I curled up under the sheets. “Just turn the lights off.”

“Jean.”

“What if they don’t want me back,” I sobbed quietly into the pillow. “What if they’re ashamed. I just wanna stay here with you—I don’t wanna go anywhere else.”

“C’mon dude, they’re your family—of course they want you. Not to mention it’d be weird as hell if you stayed with me for like, ever. If all my classmates see you coming out of my apartment, they’ll think I’m gay.”

I sat up. “Who gives a shit?! I’m not trying to be gay!” I snapped. “You’re the only one who really gets me—hell, you saved my fucking life! Sure, I don’t like that you’ve been around to put up with all my bullshit these past few days but…it’s easier to just stay with you.”

He laid down. “Jean, it’s gonna be fine,” He mumbled. “But we’re not kids anymore. We’ve gotta grow up. You have to push through and move on. I know this phase of life is hard right now, but it’s not gonna last forever.”

“Don’t you ever wish we were still kids?” I wiped my face.

Carter shrugged and flicked the lights off. When I finally laid back down, he patted my shoulder.

“I don’t know. Sometimes.” I felt his head against my back.

“Everything was easier then. And simple.”

He exhaled. “Yeah. Everything’s gonna be fine, though. Everyone loves you and misses you—even my parents! You have nothing to worry about, I promise.”

All I did was sigh, luckily crying no longer. I had a ton of things to worry about. Day three and I still didn’t know where to start. Carter gave me an awkward hug as we were laying down, and then he rolled back over.

I stared at the ceiling fan in the dark for what felt like ages, contemplating. All of this was getting way too hard to hold in.

I took my hair out. “Carter, I need to tell you something.”

I waited for his voice and then heard him snoring.

I guess that was my response.