Latens Paradis [Arc 1]

Eden didn't care about himself. He was alone in a world he knew nothing of. He had nothing to care for anymore, no reason to care for himself. All Eden wanted to do was forget. To leave everything behind, to be another average face in the crowd, to not be judged. Eden only wanted to find some peace in the world, even if that meant abandoning himself in the process. He wanted to let go. To give up. To move forward. 

But sometimes he found himself wanting to just disappear entirely. He'd have these dark thoughts in his head that he couldn't push away, that would taunt him until he felt like he'd go mad. And sometimes, it would take over. He would just lay in his room, unmoving for hours and just think of death, to just... leave this place. Sometimes he'd feel so tired, so utterly drained that it was all he could think about; everything would just go black. Other times he would find himself lost, thinking about things he shouldn't be. Things he couldn't bear to think of or else he'd never recover from the pain it would bring. He hated it. He hated those feelings of self-loathing. Those dark thoughts. They'd get so bad sometimes that it would hurt so much, coming and going over the drawn out months and years.

In these times, he'd fall into a deep depression. And they would only get worse when winter came.

This winter in particular was extremely hard. The thoughts would nearly drown him and there would be moments of contemplation. Of attempting to harm himself. To finally end it.

One night Eden laid in his room, the light of a small lamp casting a warm glow across his face. The air felt still, everything felt so cold and lonely, despite his room being quite warm and cozy.

It had been a rough few weeks. He couldn't remember the last time he slept peacefully without the help of sleeping herbs. Or the last time he felt whole. Everything was numb and empty inside of him, he felt as if he had lost the last part of himself that pushed him to keep going. He was just so exhausted. So tired of looking for something he didn't know. Tired of trying to fit into a world he wasn't made for. Tired of everything.

He laid in the bed for what felt like hours, just staring at the ceiling as the night went on, contemplating whether or not he wanted to go through the next day. To just lay in the bed, never moving, and let the coldness consume him. But a knock on his door interrupted him. He sighed, reluctantly getting up to answer.

"Cherish?", His eyebrows furrowed as he stood there staring at his friend standing before him. A small fox girl with braided blonde hair and sparkly green eyes. It was nearly dawn and the sun hadn't made its arrival yet. She was dressed as if her day had already started hours ago, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. But this wasn't an unusual circumstance to see her like this.

"Good morning, Eden! Is now a bad time to ask for your help?" Her eyes shone brightly, a sweet smile spread across her face. Eden glanced down at her, raising an eyebrow questioningly. What did she need help with now? Normally, he wouldn't mind but right now he didn't think he could be of any use to her. "Uh..." He hesitated. She was waiting for his answer but he was unsure how to respond. He really wasn't in the mood. His voice sounded cold, but she didn't seem to notice, "Cherish, I really don't feel-" 

"Perfect! We're nearly out of firewood and I need to make sure we keep up on it. Especially with our new guest! We need to keep her stable while she sleeps. Would you mind getting some more?", She didn't give Eden the time to decline as she turned to grab a few empty buckets and started off down the hallway.

"Oh...", He said quietly to himself and sighed in defeat. He guessed there was no escaping this. He grabbed his coat, closing his door behind him. The morning was brisk and a soft blanket of snow covered everything in sight. Eden stepped out into the forest, making his way towards the river where he had chopped some trees to keep up on wood supply several days earlier. He tried to keep things prepared ahead of time as Cherish was always hard at work keeping things running smoothly at the Inn. Despite its lack of customers, she did her best to make it feel like a home for everyone. He didn't know much about the place's history, just that the building had stood here for centuries and had seen plenty of tragedies in that time. But this didn't stop Cherish from keeping it clean and inviting for the visitors. She never turned anyone away or shunned them or looked too far into what kind of person they were.

That's why he'd always find himself back there from time to time. It was a place where he could completely escape. All she ever asked of him was to help where she needed it. Eden didn't mind though. He found himself chopping some of the fallen logs, filling the buckets with the smaller chunks to take back. The river flowed lazily as the morning air started to warm up a little, the frost beginning to melt and the birds sang in the distance. 

Cherish’s generosity showed through greatly. She took care of everything and everyone. Speaking of everyone, he wondered how that 'new guest’ was doing. She had been in a coma for several days and the sight of her condition when he first found her laying in the snow was concerning. But it was hard to know if she would survive. It had been so cold when he had found her that night. There was barely any warmth left in her body, just her small, shallow breaths kept her from death. Eden knew she didn't have long. It would be a miracle if she'd make it through. He brought her here and Cherish and the others worked nonstop to keep her alive. They had never had a comatose patient before but it seemed their care and warmth was paying off as the woman had lived through it so far. But even so, she would still have to wake and recover. It was a toss up.

"I thought I saw you out here. It's nice to see you", Cherish smiled sweetly, placing her bucket down as she watched him work. She always had such a happy expression on her face, it was contagious. Eden smirked a little at her comment. But the fact was he didn't think he would have the motivation to keep on living. To keep trying to be okay. He had nearly reached his limit. He could barely look at anyone without the feelings of dread and anxiety hitting him all over again. The coldness was seeping back into him. The feeling of being completely alone. It was a constant ache he didn't think he'd ever get over. He felt empty inside.

"Hey, you look really tired... I can take these back up while you rest. We can finish chopping up the rest later". Eden glanced at her, taking note of her concern. He stopped working for a minute and sighed.

"Yeah. Thanks", Eden let the axe rest against the stump he was using for cutting down the logs, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. His hand brushed through the small strands of his dark blue hair. He didn't know what to do with himself but he knew he didn't want to try sleeping. It didn't matter if he got some sleep or not. The pain would stay regardless. And there would be nothing but silence if he did stay in bed. 

His feet started walking as he distanced himself farther and farther away from the inn. He had no particular destination, just the forest, his mind a thousand miles away. He was always like this, no one knew it but he was in pain all the time. His heart hurt so much, sometimes he wished he would disappear. Eden had a habit of trying to numb the pain he was feeling inside, especially when it became overwhelming. Sometimes, he'd try to drown out his thoughts by doing the only thing that seemed to quiet his mind: work. Any task he could do to keep himself distracted. But right now, there wasn't a lot to be done around the inn, not at this time of the year. He sighed as he felt the cool air of the morning sun begin to set in.

He wondered what he could do, or who he could be for the people around him. Who would even care? What was even worth trying for? Was it worth staying alive or to finally give up on trying? Sure, he helped people with things they needed here and there but those were things anyone could do. It's not like he was depended on solely for himself. The world would be okay if he was gone. So why did he feel so bad? He didn't know.

The snow was getting harder to walk in, but Eden didn't care. The sun was shining on the forest floor as his feet began to drag on. He sighed again, not knowing where he was heading, or where he even wanted to be. Everything felt so dull and colorless. So gray. It was like a fog that enveloped him, choking him as it swallowed his senses, leaving only cold and misery. He couldn't see the world through anything else. It felt as though his vision would fade into nothing but a shadowy abyss if he looked long enough. It made his mind race, but it also made him stop in his tracks. His eyes fixated on the snow-covered trees as the wind blew, scattering some of the flakes. He had walked out of the forest, leading into an open area.

He stopped at a cliff, a field of snow spread before him, with an enormous mountain standing off to the side. This cliff overlooked the forest and mountain ranges. At such a height, the clouds seemed to almost touch the tips of the trees. He stood at the edge, staring into the distance and wondered how much it would hurt if he just threw himself from the edge. The pain would stop if he ended it, wouldn't it? Or would his healing ability bring him back and force him to go through it all again?

He knew what he needed to do but didn't have the strength to do it. His breathing began to quicken, his body becoming tense, a mix of anxiety and panic settling over him as his heartbeat quickened. His chest hurt, he couldn't breathe. He could barely make a sound as the cold air rushed past him. The only thing he could do was stand there. Staring into the abyss. 

He tried to find something in his mind that would help make the decision for him. Flashes of his memory brought him back to the attack in Pernrith. How many people he could've saved but didn't. How much pain they suffered. It was because he wasn't fast enough. Wasn't strong enough. If he had just let himself be seen... If he could show his true power... No. That was something he always hid. Something he told himself for years that he'd never show anyone again, no matter what.

He felt trapped by these thoughts, slowly pushing himself closer and closer to the edge of the cliff, until his feet were at the brink, his body nearly toppling over it. His eyes closed tightly. His heart pounded as if yelling at him to stop. He couldn't let go of those feelings. Those fears of not being wanted or loved. The shame. Eden had enough.

But out of nowhere, another moment from that night came back to him. 

"Yun! We have to find her! Please!" "She's wearing a blue dress and she has long, green hair!"

A blue dress... And long, green hair…

He thought rapidly, 'That girl I saved... Her clothes were burned and bloodied, but it definitely seemed blue... And her hair... It was the same color...', He couldn't believe he just now figured out the correlation... Aeris... That was her daughter... And he saved her just like she asked him to... But the girl was still grasping for life, only a few minutes away at the inn.

What was her name again? Was it…

'Yun?', He remembered hearing it said as Aeris muttered to herself in a frantic state. 'Yeah, that's what it was...'.

The thought of him taking this leap while she was still struggling, still fighting in such bleakness. It felt selfish. Like he was abandoning someone. It gave him a pause, and he hesitated. The moment passed quickly and he fell back firmly on solid ground. Eden breathed out, letting himself sink down and lay on his back.

'That girl...' He thought to himself. She was all Aeris could think about as she called her name. That desperation... It made Eden feel... something... Something other than the pain he usually felt. It was faint and short lived but he knew what it was. It was a small reason to keep going, even just for a little bit. A sense of purpose that made his mind focus, that he didn't realize he wanted, but also that he desperately needed.

‘Maybe I can help that girl’, He thought, as if the very idea could keep him sane. 'Yeah. Maybe... If I could save just one person. Then it would be worth it...'. Eden took another deep breath, then sat up and turned back. It was cold and his skin was starting to sting as his feet took him away from the cliff and back to the inn.

When he returned, it was already midday. Eden stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He sighed. "I'm home," Eden murmured quietly. 

Even with this new found desire, the weight of what had happened moments before sent him into such an exhaustion. All he could think about now was sleep. He began walking up the stairs towards his room when a voice stopped him in his tracks. It was a smooth, male voice, one that didn't belong to Cherish. He recognized this voice as her older brother, Kouji. A tall, lanky fox with long, silky blonde hair and ears. He wore deep blue robes that flowed gently when he walked. His eyes were sharp but his demeanor was calm. Eden always thought of Kouji as being the more playful, lazy of the two siblings. But when he was needed, Kouji had an intensity that seemed to ignite and it could be scary if he wanted to be.

"Eden, where have you been? Cherish was starting to wonder where you ran off..."

Eden turned to face the fox. His face was pale and his expression was dazed as he looked at Kouji. His mind was blank, and dark circles fell under his eyes. Kouji looked at Eden and stopped talking. It was quite often Eden looked this way so he wasn't that surprised by it. 

"My, my. What was it that made you run off to be by your lonesome self, hm? You look a mess, Eden." Kouji spoke with a playful tone to his words. Eden's eyes focused as he tried to compose himself, Kouji's words jostling him slightly out of the stupor he had been in.

"That's none of your concern. I'm going to rest." Eden replied bluntly, wanting nothing more than to get out of this interaction.

"Rest? Oh come on, now. That's a very boring answer."

Eden could see the playful smile on Kouji's face, making his already foul mood turn sour. "Don't make me say it again, Kouji." He spoke through clenched teeth. Kouji sighed in a dramatic manner, holding a hand to his forehead in a "I can't believe this!" gesture. He smiled in a teasing way at Eden.

"Ah, well. Can't say I didn't try."

Eden started walking back upstairs to his room, Kouji watching him. Once Eden was in the privacy of his own room, he let his facade fall away. It was taking more out of him to keep it together. He took off his shoes and plopped himself face down onto his bed. It had been a long day for him, he needed some sleep. His mind started to wander to the sleeping girl several rooms away.

How was she doing? What could he possibly do to help her? She was unconscious the entire time so he didn't get to talk to her or figure out more about her. It had to be a miracle that she survived that attack... She looked to be severely wounded and yet there she was, alive. 

The room began to spin as his mind felt a wave of exhaustion hit him. Eden couldn't care anymore. He could deal with these thoughts tomorrow. His mind felt so fuzzy as sleep crept closer and closer until his vision became faint and his eyes closed.