malach avérsi's Links
I met him in the worst period of my life, unfortunately. Not like unfortunate that I met him, just incredibly unfortunate for him that he got to meet me that way or whatever. I was drunk out of my mind and was looking for another fling to call it a night, I had never intended for me to get y’know.. any kind of serious emotion or thing for him, y’know? Wait, that makes it sound like I don’t love him. I do, a lot, I just thought after that night we would’ve broken off and kept it as like and every now and again kind of thing, something low-key, which it was at first. Then I started feeling like a serious attraction to the guy which I kept trying to deny, I kept trying to replace him? In a way but he was always this thought in the back of my mind so everything started to feel wrong and make less sense to me. We kept seeing each other more and more, not just for sex anymore. After a while I kinda knew he felt it too. We were kinda just going on dates though we never really called it that because we never really knew what we even were to each other after a certain point. I don’t know if he was more active than I was in that kinda “scene” but after a while, I had stopped trying to sleep with other people when we were doing what we were doing. I had gotten emotionally attached to him. I felt stupid, the whole situation felt stupid and I didn’t know how to balance all that at the time because like I said, I was at a shitty time in my stagnant life. I kept accidentally hurting him, I never knew what I was dealing with was ever serious, y’know? But I took the first leap and now he’s my boyfriend! And we go together real bad. So that’s pretty awesome, and we’ve been together for quite some time now, we’ve had on and off periods but I think we locked in for real. If he leave me I’m gon’ find him. Kidding. (He’s not) I don’t know about you but I think that Kesahr guy’s in love with me, just a hunch though.
Phemos is completely and painfully in love with Malach. He’s in love with everything about him; his laugh, the way his hair curls, how his teeth are too big for his mouth. Every one of Malach’s little idiosyncrasies and quirks rooted themselves firmly in his memory and he never wants to forget them. Though he wasn’t aware of it, Phemos fell for him hard and fast, flattered and thrilled by the sudden onslaught of attention from someone so new to him. Eventually, every inch of his brain became consumed by thoughts of Malach and he found himself anticipating every text, every call, and every hello at the door. When he was at work or simply just alone for the night, without fail Malach made his way to the forefront of his mind. Phemos loved how Malach made his stomach twist up pleasantly with excitement, how he couldn't help the butterflies he felt whenever he even thought of him. It was something he hadn't truly felt in so long, even when he was regrettably, in a relationship. Malach was always so kind to him, so doting and loving. He always knew just what to say. When they were alone together, Phemos felt like the only person in the world, the only one that really mattered. He had never felt as loved, never as wanted, or as attractive as Malach made him feel. He is hopelessly devoted to him and would do anything he asked, just as Malach would for him. He had only shown the sheer lengths he would go for Phemos that petrifying night when shots rang out in the church. It was devastating, seeing him bandaged up in the aftermath and hissing in pain with every movement, knowing he couldn’t do anything to truly alleviate his pain. And yet, there was a darker, shameful part of him that relished in it. Enjoyed it even. He couldn’t help but obsess over it, how far Malach went for him, to protect him, to avenge him. All that Phemos needed to ignite such solicitous violence in his lover were his tearful words, a poignant history and Malach was overcome with an intense, vengeful desire for retribution. He wishes Malach had done more, had caved in his ribcage, and taken something Tratos could never get back. His heart. His life. Just as Tratos had taken something from him he could never get back. Malach would never do something like that, and in his good and right mind Phemos would never want him to, but the thought that he might kill him if Phemos so much as asked was enough to make Phemos feel like the most important thing in the world to him, valued and cherished above all else. But Malach is a good person. He’s always tried to be, and in Phemos’s eyes, Malach can do no wrong. He doesn’t think words can truly, fully describe how much Phemos cares for him. The love runs so deep that his name might as well be etched into his bones.
Seethe’s my older brother, a great one at that. When we were being raised in the brooding caverns, we were practically outcasted from the rest of the other kids simply because of how we were born; we were conjoined at the hip. We weren’t even like that throughout childhood, we only formed that way as wrigglers, but whatever. How we were treated there made them grow up faster than I did. Seethe was constantly protecting us, more so me because I couldn’t do it on my own. They would take blows for me, fight for me, hide me, all in sacrifice for themselves. Dude couldn’t even speak til’ they was 8 because of the brooding caverns, everyone just thought it was because they were autistic or whatever but I knew. I knew everything. The brooding caverns shaped us both differently y’know until we were able to leave. We were both 10 when we had successfully escaped. I love Seethe though, more than anyone I could ever love. I try to change myself for Seethe, for the better. I’m sure I would’ve turned much worse if Seethe had become as big of a delinquent as I was when I was growing up. Seethe used their experience from our abuse in the brooding caverns to then protect others close in their circle like they did for me, they used it as a learning experience. I used that hellish torment of and experience to be a downright asshole because I thought I was the shit and that everyone was out for my head in some way. I had let it corrupt me and hinder me I guess instead of allowing it to help me grow. I know Seethe knew I didn’t know any better. They let me find out for myself where that’d get me. They’re the only constant I know that will never leave in my life, I just wish I was a better little brother sometimes for them. Love you big bro.
Malach is—well,—Malach. He’s full of so many complexities and yet he’s so simple to read. I guess that's just my perspective of him since he’s my little brother. He’s always been so reliant on me, I don’t think he’d know how to live by himself, it's like his life depends on me. It’s a good feeling to be depended on that way but sometimes I feel like I’m making myself part of the problem that he’ll never learn to do enough for himself with me around like this. He knows how to do a lot already, don't get me wrong, but I’m afraid him sticking under me so much will only hinder his growth as an individual when all I could ever want for him is to be himself without needing me. I’d never force him to leave me, of course. I’d never even fathom it. He’s his own person. I still have to tell myself that. But I don't think I'd be right without him needing me, is that selfish? Does that make me wrong for not wanting my little brother to not grow out of needing me? I don't know, maybe. If I have to question it, probably. I fear it's the other way around some days, maybe I'm the one in need of him. I find comfort in us needing each other no matter how our dynamics shift. Sometimes it's a real nuisance how airheaded he can be. Get this, he'll call me up when he forgets how to cook something that he’s hungry for and he’s too hungry to wait for me to come home to fix it for him, so he whines about not knowing how o make it WHILE making it. Or when he needs a reminder about when his appointments are coming up, he'll have me call and ask. He even needs to be reminded of his clothes sizes sometimes. I’ve never once lived alone either, always with Mal no matter where it was we went. I don’t really think I’d want to live alone either. I’m far too much of a recluse for that. I think together we’ve uprooted and moved about five or so different times now and each one of them has been hard for him. He's gotten tougher about it now that we're older, of course, but when we were younger it was always so challenging. He meets people just about everywhere he goes. I always try to do what I think best for him—and for us— as a whole, in addition for the greater good of both of us, but I’m not sure he's always seen it that way. I’ve never once tried to put him in harms way and I never will, I’ve always done what I’ve had to do for his and my survival. We’ve always struggled to see eye to eye ever since Mamá died. Her death drove a wedge between us that neither of us like mentioning. She would’ve hated to see us act the way we do to each other now that we’re grown. It's not always like that though, and it could always be much worse, which it was at one point, but we both have our moments. I would expect nothing less. Neither of us are perfect. I’m very glad that he seems to be getting happier now though, he's gotten into a good relationship, he’s gotten much healthier, he tries more, his motivation is back, he’s alive again. I’m very proud of him, I am. Ma would be too. I don’t think I’d know who I'd be without him either. I’ve always had to be an older brother and a provider, without him I’d have never found any sense of purpose in myself. He helps ground me. He's my number one cause of stress but he's also my peace at the end of the day. He’s so incredibly individualistic, he’s unique, so very passionate, just full of enthusiasm—his very being is my overall inspiration and motivation to continue to live and to be a better brother. I’m honored to have the privilege of being his brother, let alone to even know him.
She’s something dangerous, Losá is. Pretty soft too when she wants to be. It took a really long while for her to ever really tell me how she was really feeling about herself and all she had going on, y’know? She’s like the last person I’d expect to have such complex feelings about things like that considering how she acts around everyone else. Kinda felt honored to hear it from her, I remember it still. We were at her old place and she kinda just hit me with all her emotional baggage. I think my face made her change her mind because she stopped talking pretty quick after she looked at me, but I was just surprised hearing her talk like that about herself to be real. I've never heard her so quiet after that silence she had. Shit was deafening. I told her I'd never tell it all, but I know she’s never really felt like she’s had a place she’s felt like she belonged to since she was a kid, I think that's why she’s such a big recluse now. Don’t tell her I said that though please, she’ll really beat the shit out of me. Dolosá’s like... what's the word? Indifferent? Yeah, indifferent. But she's so much more than that, I know she is. I just wish more people knew her like I did. She acts that way with a lot of people she don't really know. That’s why she don’t really know nobody now, I don’t think she never gives them the chance to know her. Not like I have. She gave me a chance though, I never left her alone so I don’t think she had much of a choice not to. She used to have such a sharp tongue. You know I’ve only seen her cry but just a few times? She acts all hard even around me, but that's just when we’re around other people. When it's just us we talk different, she’ll get in her feelings and chill some. I call her up sometimes just to see how she’s feeling because she's not really all about intimacy and all that, but I worry for her. I love her and I always have. All that emotional congestion she's got is too much for one person to bear. I do what I can for her but I’m not all that sure it goes through to her. That won't stop me from trying anyway. A lot of stuff goes unsaid with her, she can say nothing and have it mean so much at the same time. I know she loves me though even if she won’t ever say it to my face, that's one thing she can never hide from me. And I love her just as much, if not more.
I used to date him, pretty lucky for him, equally as unfortunate for me. We were both still young and eager to jump on an opportunity. Young and naive. Neither of us really knew enough about our own selves that we do now, anyway. It wasn't all regrettable but I think it only made us closer? It was kind of a gamble in a way. It really could’ve killed off whatever connection we had left for each other in the first place, or, it could’ve strengthened it and made it better, which it did and I’m glad it worked out that way. I honestly stayed with him for as long as I did because I was scared of losing him, that if we broke it off it’d be too awkward to even stomach being around each other anymore. I was afraid if I lost him, I'd have nothing. But I don't think he could ever come to hate me. I couldn't stomach to hate him either. Blackrom wouldn't suit us at all anyway. He makes me feel properly understood, nothing like I would've imagined. He'll drop the funny guy act for me when it's just us, it's like another exclusive side of him. He's always known how to make me feel seen even when I try not to be. The thing with knowing Malach is that you can know him for however long— and never really know him,— does that make sense? He applies himself into whatever he chooses to pursue with all he’s got, good or bad, and I think I admire that most about him still, he doesn't change. That lack of change comes with him still being so irritatingly stubborn too, he’s like a fire you can’t manage to snuff out no matter how heavy you stomp. He just never goes away. He doesn’t like when people call him that though. He substitutes stubborn for "pushy" and "ambitious". I still love him though and I don't think I could stop if I really tried. I can’t imagine myself without him or his stupid quirks either. And don’t go telling him I said any of that. He’ll never shut the fuck up about it.
I wish I killed that stupid half blinded mother fucker when I had the chance. Maybe Phe would be happier that way knowing he's gone for good. I hope when he sees me—even hears my name,— that he knows better than to even look the wrong way in Phemos' direction. I want him to think of me when he see's him and I hope—no. I KNOW he'll think twice. He better remember how many ribs of his I cracked and how many bullets I put in him.
To Tratos, Malach represents everything that he couldn’t and still can’t be. Malach was attractive, naturally charismatic, charming. People wanted to be around him. While he’s not aware of it, he is undoubtedly jealous of Malach and everything he has. He feels nothing short of an unromantic, nearly all-consuming hatred towards him. Malach was the one getting in the way of reconciling with Phemos and Malach was the one keeping Phemos away from him. After their one-sided fight, that hatred has somewhat turned into fear. He doesn’t want to be caught alone with him.
She used to get on my nerves bad. She’s my big sis now, but I realized I had to change up for Seethe after I really saw how devoted they were becoming to her. They go good together, sickeningly so. Kidding. Everyone in our circle thinks they’re adorable, myself included. If you know Seethe, you know Zephir. If you know Zeph, you know Seethe. I’m very happy for the both of them, they’ve come a long way and they heal each other of all the damage they’ve endured. I used to be jealous, I didn’t want my brother getting hurt again. Seethe doesn’t deserve to get hurt for how good of a person they are. I was just on high defense when I didn’t ever really have to be. She’s never had any ulterior motive with my brother, I know that now but I know how bad that breakup did Seethe in and I’d be damned if I let them endure that shit again. That bitch was fuckin’ terrible. But Zephir’s different, clearly. She always had been from the start. They’ve always had a thing for her too, I knew. I always knew even when they’ve said they moved on and when they were still just moirails I knew Seethe wanted to be more than that with her. She was always off with someone else or just somehow out of romantic reach, it ate at them bad. I’ve never seen a man so devoted to a woman ever, the only ever kind of love I’ve seen that was that pure was Mamá. They were so in love they became intertwined, that’s what they used to tell us. I’m just ready for them to get MARRIED already man!! I’m ready to be an uncle!!!
He used to be such an asshole.. he still can be who am I kidding. Seethe told me his pettiness came from me being with them and they’d apologize for him. He wasn’t always necessarily rude to me, but there was clear jealousy in him that someone else finally got the attention of his brother besides himself and that a potential wedge would come between them. Nothing could put a wedge between that brotherly bond they have though, none of their supreme and seemingly never ending petty bickerings and not even Malach’s track record of stealing Seethe’s shit. Malach’s just a little kid at heart down to his core. He’s his own person, a grown man, but inside him is an eccentric little boy who still clings to his big brother. I don’t even think the boys have ever lived on their own in separate places, always together. It’s honestly admirable how devoted they are to each other, especially Seethe. Seethe does so much for the sake of Malach it’s like second nature for them to immediately think of Malach. Malach is always a variable to whatever they do. ‘What if Malach doesn’t like it?’ ‘Do you think he’d want it?’, ‘Maybe Malach would try it?’, he’s so very important to his brother, and to be honest he’s become a little brother to me, too. Malach Avérsi, you are one beloved man.
He gets on my fucking nerves, I don't care if he's Phemos' moirail or whatever, I'm his matesprit. His boyfriend. And he needs to recognize that. He need to get a man of his own already and quit hogging mine. I don't know where all his attitude comes from either but I'm sick of it and I swear I'm gonna slap the damn stripes off his skin if he keeps taking my time with Phe away.
Ameris has never hated Malach, but he's sure come close to. He dislikes him, rather strongly, though the feeling is clearly mutual. Ameris feels warranted in feeling so. Malach barely even respects Ameris's relationship with Phemos, of course he'd feel justified in disliking him. You couldn't possibly expect him to be overly friendly or even comfortable with someone who was so perspicuously stringing his moirail along, essentially playing with his feelings. Never mind Malach's blatant animosity towards him. It's entirely unrealistic. It certainly didn't help that Phemos would come running to Ameris, voicing every action and transgression that upset him. He came close to genuinely hating Malach those times that the two broke up, when his moirail was left shattered, so devastated all he could do was cry, and Ameris had to be the one to help him pick the pieces up. Since then, Malach has effectively grown into a pesky thorn in his side. Between Malach constantly needing to be around his moirail and regularly interrupting their hangouts, he feels as though he barely has any time to hang out with his friend anymore. He won't even let him have time with his OWN moirail. They have consistent arguments over who gets him that week. As if he wasn't his own person! As if either of them could make that decision for him! And Malach always acted like he could! So annoying. He's annoying.
I think she’s really pretty, gorgeous even. Don’t tell Losá though she’ll hit me. Azra real cool though, that's gang for real. We hang out with Losá together and sometime even at her studio, well, mostly at her studio pretty much. I hate being alone with her sometimes it though, makes me too nervous, she’s got a real pretty voice I can’t really help it. Like if you hear her vocals in the studio? Crazy. We’ve made a few songs together for fun, we sing and dance a lot together in general, it's really fun coming up with stuff with her. Sometimes while we’re out too I’ll carry her stuff for her, her jackets, phones, drinks, it feels like the least I can do for her, for what she does for me you know? Maybe it's weird I dunno, she don't seem to mind.
Azra thinks Malach is very helpful, charmingly so. She appreciates how very productive he always is when he comes in and the work he does around the studio, even on most days that Losá comes over and they seem to talk and goof off more than work. Despite it, she truly is grateful for him and how he lessens her workload. She feels at ease around him as she knows she can depend on him to help her and finds comfort in knowing that his standards are just as high as hers when it comes to leading projects and making music. Even when they’re not working together, in everyday situations, he’s always there to help and Azra thinks it is just so cute. Azra believes they have a good relationship and is thankful for it, she wouldn’t want to be in Malach’s bad graces given her interest in his moirail after all. She does, however, notice how skittish he gets around her, on those off chances they’re alone. She revels in it a bit, thinks its funny how a man of his size gets so nervous around her. But its sweet.
Who?
I always thought he was scarier compared to Seethe. In a moderately attractive way. Is that weird? I never really talked with him much when I knew Seethe still, he was always off somewhere else. I think that made Seethe feel some type of way deep down, they talked about him often.
I never liked that stank classist bitch. Weirdo.
I never understood how Dolosá had ever dated him...or ever hung out with him as much as she did. Such a waste of time and fucking RUDE!