Barcode Boy: After Hours

Carter and I were past the three-month mark in our relationship, but if you considered that first summer, we’d be up to six. We often referred to them as season one and season two—our thousandth inside joke after nine years of friendship. 

By late February, I already had my GED since I’d started cramming after Thanksgiving break. I was more prepared than most, given that I hadn’t been out of school for long. I was busy applying to colleges and sending my resume to various jobs. I’d received a few interviews, but most businesses refused to reject or accept me and instead, went dark. It was obnoxious, but that only gave me more free time with Carter. 

I often loitered in his apartment with Blair, Aaron, and a few other friends he had introduced me to. I had lost track of most of my crew from high school and I couldn’t survive without some socialization. 

Frankly, I was still catching up on the time I’d missed with the blond in high school. I practically spent all of winter break at his flat. I expected him to get tired of me, but he still welcomed my presence when classes were in session.

There were parties every weekend, and after turning twenty-one in January, I didn’t have to worry about getting arrested again. Who knew if underage drinking could get you sedated too? We’d bar hop, invite friends over, or get our shit rocked at all the frat parties occurring around campus. Still, we spent more time at his place since it was freezing, and we were too lazy to do anything.

After Carter and the guys got drunk at Aaron’s place, we woke up to a blizzard that Monday morning. Since we were stuck, the festivities continued into the next day. I still wasn’t aware of my alcohol tolerance, so I became shitfaced in seconds, and Carter had to take me back to his room before I threw up.

Despite being sick, I was desperate for company. Even as a kid, the more people I had around me, the less my mind would wander. I didn’t feel as lost as I did in November, but I was far from perfect. Countless things still hung on me, and talking to someone didn’t solve everything, even if it was Carter. 

The more I matured and realized I was responsible for my own life, the more I thought about my dad.

I hated it.

I had no reason to compare myself to him, given that he couldn’t even support our family, but every time I walked past a mirror, I saw him. Mom and Roger are the only others who see the resemblance, but it’s practically unspoken territory. From the start, we shared a pointy nose, thick eyebrows, hazel eyes, anger issues, and a tendency to be cold. While my eyes changed, I still had his face shape, which was only emphasized once I grew out my hair.

Just like he did.

I couldn’t help but feel like a walking flaw, especially after letting my drunk mind spiral. Analyzing the hundreds of rap lyrics when at Aaron’s didn’t help. Maybe I wasn’t in a gang and I managed not to kill anyone, but I still got arrested, had no dad, often smoked pot, and was technically a bastard.

A half-bastard, if you will, since I was present at their shotgun wedding. 

And it all went downhill from there.

I sat on the cold bathroom floor of Carter’s apartment, watching the tiles move. If I thought about throwing up, I’d find myself holding the edge of the toilet again, so I locked onto the black and white polygons under me. The blond still held my hair, anxiously trying to assess my stability.

“Are you…”

“Sorry,” I mumbled as he finally caught my eye.

“N-No, it’s alright,” He patted my back. “I think you just had too much vodka. Don’t trust anything Stefan brings. It’s not like you threw up last night.”

“Not when you were looking.”

“Oh.” 

Carter helped me up, watching as I propped myself up on the sink. He handed me some mouthwash, but I was still getting my bearings.

“Are you okay? Drinking aside, you’ve seemed uneasy all week. Unless you’ve been drinking to cope.” He forced a laugh. “Please don’t do that.”

“I’m not trying to.” I stared at his reflection in the mirror as he fixed his gaze on the floor.

The blond was eager for an explanation. He was always the first to notice when my eyes would switch up or if I didn’t seem like myself. I could hide it until the migraines came into play. If I was in a bad headspace, the colder I felt, the more my eyes would change, and the more my head hurt. After the migraines made themselves known, it wouldn’t take long before I found myself having a mental breakdown.

Carter did all he could to help, but they often occurred when I was alone.

I’d only calm down after passing out. I’d wake up hours later under the impression that it was all a nightmare until I noticed the collection of glass shards surrounding me on the floor. I knew my sedation was the culprit, but that made it harder to bring up. Nothing verbal could heal that.

It was just something I had to endure. It was a rare occurrence, but whenever it happened, I knew it was from holding in too much. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Carter asked as I finished brushing my teeth.

I stared at the running water.

“Probably not.” 

“You sure?” He started cleaning up the bathroom as I rinsed out my mouth.

At this moment, things known to clear my mind would probably make me throw up again—motorcycle ride, stuffing my face with cake, skateboarding, sleeping with Carter—pass.

The more alcohol I had in my system, the more I wanted to touch him, but even I knew that was a bad idea. The last thing I wanted was to lose my virginity when drunk, failing to remember half the experience. Frankly, I was more worried about his first time with me being a hot mess, regardless of alcohol. Hence, we were three months in and had yet to go all the way.

“I uh, I don’t know…” I groaned and quickly pulled off my shirt. My increasing temperature was only worsening my nausea. 

I walked past the blond and flopped face-down onto his bed, but my directory was off, and he had to race over to catch me before I collapsed. His hands felt cold against my back, meaning I was warmer than him for once. While the surface area was smaller, he felt more refreshing than the bathroom floor and the moment he touched me, I let out a soft moan.

“Whoa, are you good?” Carter quickly slid me onto the bed.

“Your hands feel awesome,” I mumbled into the mattress, shuffling towards his voice.

“Seriously? I haven’t done anything different. You do feel warm, though.” 

I felt the bed dip as the blond sat beside me and ran his hand across my lower back. He laughed quietly as I hummed under his touch.

“Do you want a massage?” Carter asked, sounding very unsure of himself.

“For real?”

“Y-Yeah, if you want.” He left to wash his hands in the bathroom before returning to my bedside. 

“I feel bad just watching you suffer here.”

I weakly waved him away, still diagonal on his sheets. “I’m fine… No pressure. Aren’t you drunk too?”

“Kinda,” I caught him smiling as he cracked his knuckles. “I just wanna do something. Even though I don’t know what I’m doing…” 

“Eh, as long as you touch me, I really don’t care.”

The blond pressed one of his hands against my back, laughing. “Yeah, because that doesn’t sound weird at all.”

I turned my head to the side. “Shut up. At least you get to stare at me.”

“That is…true.” 

As he traced my spine, I melted into his touch and another whimper slipped out.

“Holy shit, man.”

“It’s not on purpose,” I groaned. “Disregard it.”

Carter laughed. “I’m only a man! I can’t disregard my boyfriend moaning on my bed! This feels like a test!”

“Well, if you fail, I’ll probably throw up on your bed.”

“Gross.”

I chuckled as I slowly zoned out with his hands against me. My brain melted, as did my body, and I started to doze off. I failed to grasp Carter’s various jokes until I heard the name Ezekiel.

“What?” I opened my eyes. “Who?”

“Ezekiel. Aaron’s friend who brought most of the booze, remember? Like I said, I just learned that was his full name. We all call him EZ.”

“Oh.”

Carter leaned down and met my eyes. “What?”

I shook my head, but just like that, my thoughts resurfaced. My mom and uncle knew about my dad’s antics, but I still refused to disclose anything to Carter. There was never a good time, and I was never in the right mind for it. Still, I felt bad knowing that was another puzzle piece of mine he never got his hands on.

“Nothing, I just—”

“Oh fuck, that’s your dad’s name, isn’t it?” Carter blurted. “No wonder you flinched like that. My bad.”

“N-Nah, it’s fine. I’m just…drowning in my head again.” I forced a laugh. “You know how I’m good at that.”

“You wanna talk about it? No pressure, of course.”

“I mean, it’s dumb and uncomfortably personal. He feels weird to bring up after all this time.” I sighed into his pillow. “He’s dead to me, but nowadays I can’t get his stupid ass out of my head.”

“I know he left you when you were young, but that’s about it.” 

The blond pressed his knuckles into my shoulder blades, and I groaned.

“Good. All the other details are just unnecessary angst—he’s a narcissist who bailed on his family but…I can’t help but wonder if I’m such a mess because of him. Maybe I’m just his devil spawn.”

“Where the hell did you get that from?” Carter laughed, clearly taken aback. “You’re a good person.”

“Yeah, maybe to you, right now.” I paused and stared out the window as some snow fell off a branch.

“At the end of the day, Lloyd got all my mom’s genes—she was the good parent. Meanwhile, I was stuck with my dad’s toxic ones. I fear that the older I get, the more I’ll turn into him. Hell, I already look like him.”

I could feel Carter’s hands shaking against me.

“I don’t wanna grow up into a monster,” I shut my eyes. “I don’t wanna hurt people like he did, which is ironic because I’ve already made a good start. What if I fuck up so bad again that I push you away for good?”

“Jean, you won’t turn into him! And regardless of the hills we might have to climb together, I’m sticking around for good.”

I kept spiraling.

“Maybe this is just what happens when you don’t have a male role model. No one to teach you how to speak up or treat people, or even treat women for that matter! Maybe I started going after dudes because the other side was foreign.” I chuckled harshly. “Maybe I wouldn’t be confused, as they say, or looking for love in all the wrong places. Like with a guy.”

Carter stopped for a second and didn’t say anything. I replayed the words in my head.

“No, that…” I let out a shaky breath. “That doesn’t sound right—I love you for you. I don’t see you as a father figure or want you to act like one. Sometimes I see you like family, but I love you more than that.”

“Jean, it’s okay. I get it.”

“I love you because you’re my best friend.” I felt the tears stinging my eyes, but I blinked them back. “I love you because you’re sweet and handsome and smart…and you’re always there for me. I don’t have to hide when I’m around you because you make me feel good about who I am. I-I love you so much, Carter.”

He rested his hands on my sides and leaned down to kiss my back. “I love you too, Jean.” 

“I just wish…I didn’t have to hide in my own house. Sure, Ezekiel’s gone, but he wrecked my family and home hasn’t felt right since.”

“No wonder you always proposed hanging out at my place after school or having sleepovers.”

I chuckled. “Or doing literally anything besides going back home.”

“Skate around town, window shop, hang by that shabby wall we vandalized in freshman year.” He laughed.

“Yeah.” I smiled a little. “Even though you weren’t family, being around you gave me that same warm feeling.”

“Are you sure that’s not just cuz you had a crush on me?”

“Shut up. You were just…I don’t know.” I snickered. “You had all the qualities of a good person jammed into one. You were balanced and made me feel whole since…home life never provided that.”

“Can I ask you something…personal? Y-You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” He muttered.

“Yeah.”

“Was…he abusive?” He asked hesitantly.

I stared out the window. I waited for more snow to fall to fill the silence, but nothing moved. It was just our breathing. Our breathing and the quiet sound of Carter’s hands sliding down my back.

“Not really. Or at least not to me.” I finally admitted. “He scared me and would threaten me if I acted out, but my mom was the main target. He always went at her with words, and I only got shit when I’d try to stand up for her.”

“God, was he always like that? Why the hell did she marry him?”

I sighed, glancing at him. “It was a shotgun wedding. Are you sure you even wanna listen to this? I’m already tired of hearing myself talk.”

I saw him smile. “I have the time. We’re snowed in, and when I have not wanted to listen to your voice, regardless of the topic?”

 “You’re sweet.” I grinned as he kissed my back again.

“So are you.”

I took a deep breath. “Even as a toddler, I always thought my parent’s relationship was off… It wasn’t until my dad left that my mom told me the truth. Before they got married, it was sex and money that kept them close.”

“They had only been together for two or three years before my mom got knocked up with me. My dad wanted an abortion. My mom refused. My dad said a child would disrupt their relationship, but my mom said otherwise,” I mumbled. “So, they got married. She didn’t want me to be born without a father’s name on the birth certificate, and if they weren’t together, her entire side of the family would freak.”

“What the fuck?” Carter whispered.

“When I was a baby, I think my dad actually liked me.” I chuckled. “I hate our photo albums, but he was only smiling in the photos with me when I was tiny. It was good—him lying beside me while I played with toys, holding me while watching football—my favorite is the one of me conked out beside him in their bed.”

I grinned a bit while staring into space. “My mom said he was mesmerized by his ‘mini me’ since I looked just like him.”

Carter chuckled. “That’s adorable.”

“Yeah, but then as babies do, I grew up. And the older I got, the more of a burden I became.” I muttered. “He’d spend more time out of the house. He claimed he was at work, but who knows? In the end, he’d leave my mom to pay for all the necessities. Behind my back, he called me a problem child and a waste of money.”

“For a while, they were good at keeping their arguments under wraps and out of earshot of me. But it got worse with time. My mom desperately needed a break, and she couldn’t work and babysit me at the same time. If he refused to provide money, she had to take the initiative, but who would take care of me? She just wanted everyone to work together, but he was a jackass.”

Carter reached up and combed his fingers through my hair.

“I knew my dad was a bad guy, but I still missed him. I didn’t know any better. Our only quality time was watching TV together. I missed when he’d take me to the park or play with me in the backyard. He just…stopped acknowledging me, but I still enjoyed being in his presence.” I sighed shakily. “But the more he yelled at my mom, the more I strayed because I was scared.”

A tear rolled down my cheek, and I was relieved that I couldn’t see Carter’s expression.

“I remember this one Sunday morning,” I began softly. “I was four and woke up to them yelling from their rooms, and eventually, they moved into the hallway. There was so much cursing and screaming, and my mom looked so afraid. I left my room, and my dad told me to go back to bed. My mom ordered the same, but in her case, I could tell she was concerned for my safety.”

“When I refused, they went downstairs to the kitchen, and despite the warning, I followed them. I hid behind the couch in the living room.” I rolled onto my side, curling up into a ball. “I don’t remember what they were yelling about, but suddenly I saw him slap her, and she fell to the ground while he towered over her.” 

“‘I’m so sick of this nuisance you made!’”

“‘He shouldn’t even be here—I never wanted to have a kid with you! You’re a mess, he’s a mess, and now we have this shitty problem child thanks to your defective genes!!’”

I started sobbing into the sheets as the scene replayed in my head. 

“I can still hear him yelling in my head as if it happened yesterday…”

I pulled on my hair as my headache grew, but I failed to distract myself from the pain.

“He chased me into the basement, and I locked myself in the bathroom, bawling my eyes out as he insulted me from outside the door.” I tried to wipe my face. “I just kept yelling at him to go away, to stop hurting Mommy, to love us again… Cuz at one point he did, right?”

“Jean…” Carter leaned over, anxiously trying to comfort me while I lost my composure.

“I was in there for an hour until I noticed the window above the toilet, squeezed through, and ran to the park from my backyard. On the swings, I talked to one of my classmates from preschool. I didn’t know what to tell her, but I remember her giving me the fruit snacks her dad always gave her when she went to play outside. If only it were that easy.”

When I finally made eye contact with Carter, I realized he had been crying too.

“Despite the argument, my mom wound up driving my dad to urgent care, but I still locked myself in my room after returning home.”

“Holy shit, did you—”

“I fractured his left knee.”

“Small, but mighty…” Carter mumbled to himself.

“I avoided my dad like the plague until it healed, but neither of them punished me. They probably knew it would only evolve into another argument, so they let it go. I still don’t know if I regret it or not. I never apologized either, but I felt like my personality became clear that day. I have my father’s tendencies, his disobedience, his anger—but some of my habits emerged from that environment.”

I rolled onto my back, and Carter ran his hand across my stomach.

“And Lloyd?”

“My dad left when my mom was three months pregnant with him. I was five, and by then, I think he was more scared of me than I was of him since I would do anything to protect my mom,” I sighed.

“But does Lloyd know about any of this? The fighting?” Carter asked hesitantly.

I shook my head. “All he knows is that our dad left when I was little. My mom and I knew he couldn't handle the truth. We…were both mistakes, and our father wished we’d never been born.”

Carter wiped my face, trying to format a response, but he was struggling. I couldn’t blame him.

“I-I’m sorry you had to hear all that—I didn’t mean to drone on for so long, y’know how I lose my filter when I get drunk…”

“No, don’t apologize!” He said with a frown. “I’m glad you told me. I hate knowing that you had to go through all that, and I hope your dad gets what he deserves for how he acted during your upbringing. Still, I’m happy you trusted me enough to share something so personal.”

I hid my face as Carter leaned down, embracing me. My breathing was shaky, but I felt comfort in clinging to him.

“But Jean, you’re not gonna end up like your father. You’re nowhere close to being like him,” He chuckled. “If you were, I’m sure your mom would’ve already said something, and I doubt we would’ve wound up becoming friends.”

“Yeah,” I dug my face into his neck. “Y’know, maybe he helped me become who I am today. It was an unhealthy transition, but it’s partially why I’m so outgoing and nice.”

“Typically abuse just breeds more abuse…”

I smiled a little as he let me go, sitting up afterward. “Yeah, but I faced a bully in my own house. It was a horrific experience, so I started standing up for the victims at school since I knew what it felt like. No one could save me, but I could save them. I couldn’t control my dad, and I didn’t want anyone to experience what I did. Being someone they could lean on was all I could do.”

“And that internal mission led to you befriending me, I guess.” Carter blushed. “See, you are a good person. You’re Jean Asher, not Ezekiel Asher or his ‘mini me’ or some goddamn devil spawn.”

“Heh, yeah. I did manage to cheer you up over time, huh?” I held the side of his face. 

“You made it worth it in the long run,” I said softly and pecked him on the lips. “It was tough getting here, but I’m glad it led me to you. Thank God I’m not a kid anymore.”

“I-I know, right? I’m happy I’ve got you here with me. You survived. Hell, you’ve survived a lot.”

“Yeah, well, most of the thanks goes to you,” I nudged him. “Like this. The massage helped.”

“Wait, really? I didn’t even know what I was doing!”

“Yeah, but it felt good nonetheless,” I rubbed my neck. “Your hands always feel nice against me but since all my senses are heightened, it was fucking awesome. Especially since they were cold.”

“A-Ah,” He stammered. “That’s good to know.”

The blond reached out to my face before stopping halfway and pulling back, laughing at himself. 

“What?”.

“Nah, it’s nothing,” He said with his eyes glued to the bed. “What can I say? I’m drunk and spacey too.”

I held in my laughter, smiling. Clearly, he wasn’t a confident drunk either, but I’d spare him the embarrassment. I leaned in and kissed him for a few seconds longer. He slowly scooted closer to me and rested his hand on my chest, but when I pulled back, he lingered. 

“Y’know,” He muttered against my lips. “We’re always around people when we’re like this. Parties, bars—even Aaron’s place. I don’t think you’ve kissed me when my brain is liquid.”

I snickered.

“No wonder you like my hands,” He softly cradled my face with his eyes closed. “I like your mouth.”

“That’s a new compliment for the books.”

“Your voice sounds smoother, and your lips feel oddly warm. I like it.”

I snickered as I pulled him into another kiss. He ran his fingers through my hair as I rested my hands on his waist. The more I touched him, the more peaceful I felt. Without him, I probably would’ve found myself having another breakdown in his bathroom. Everything about him kept me sane. 

Alas, my judgment was far too impaired to keep me restrained, and I slid my tongue across Carter’s bottom lip and into his mouth. He shuddered against me and tried to lessen the gap between us while following my clumsy rhythm. I tangled my fingers in his curls before breaking the kiss. 

“Since I just finished bawling my eyes out, you should take the reins,” I teased.

Carter quickly froze. “W-What? C’mon, you know I suck at that.”

I released him and leaned back onto his pillows. His eyes were glued to my chest as he failed to hide his smile.

“C’mon.”

“S-Shut up, I don’t want you to get sick again. You should be still for now.” He claimed although it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself.

“C’mon, you know you wanna kiss me…” I teased, only for his face to turn red in response. “You can kiss me anywhere.”

The blond hid his face with his hand, finally averting his gaze. “Don’t say that!”

“Why not?” I widened my posture below him and lowered my voice. “Please?”

When he met my eyes again, I smiled, but I saw how much his hands were shaking. Frankly, I had always found his hesitancy adorable. Sometimes it even turned me on, but I was dying to see him act on his impulses just once. There was only so much his nerves could do, but even alcohol couldn’t create enough brain fog. He’d have to grow into it. 

I quickly threw the towel in and sat up, only for Carter to push me back onto the bed and smash his lips back onto mine. I wrapped my arms around him as he ran his hands across my torso. As expected, his lips found their way down to my jaw and eventually to my neck. 

It was always the left side. 

I closed my eyes as his lips trailed my barcode, slid down my neck, explored my collarbone, and found their way to my chest. I played with his curls again, humming as he kissed my torso, but I tensed up as he went lower. I failed to hold in a whimper as I looked down and felt him kiss the area below my navel before sitting up.

“Oh my God.”

The blond groaned and collapsed on top of me, burying his tomato face in my neck.

“You said anywhere,” He mumbled.

“Y-Yeah! But I didn’t think you’d actually—!” I shook my head. “Doesn’t matter. Thank you.”

“I’m sorry,” He glanced up at me. “I’ll get better eventually.”

“Nah, it’s cute. I like teasing you.”

“You’re a dick,” He scoffed and rolled off me before burrowing into the covers. 

“You are what you eat.”

He snorted. “What?! You’ve never given anyone head before, right? Right?!”

“Well, duh! Or at least not yet.”

I rolled him back over to face me and pulled him into another kiss, but it was short-lived since neither of us could stop laughing. I ran my hands down his back, stopping once I got to his waistband.

“You’re a mess,” The blond sighed as I wrestled him out of all the sheets so I wouldn’t be stuck sleeping on top of them.

“You know you love me. A-At least, I think so. Tonight might’ve been a lot.”

“Of course I love you, you idiot.” Carter nudged me. “And learning more about you only makes me love you more. I’ve got a file cabinet in my brain just for you, but sometimes I stray from asking stuff. I mean, back in the day you constantly said you hated talking about your family.”

I leaned against him. “Yeah…I know. I’ll try and share more things with you. I’m working on it.”

“This is a good start, but don’t feel pressured. Just know that I’ll be here.”

I always knew where to find him. His apartment had become my home away from home, so I was thankful we were snowed in. I got to spend more days with the one person who always knew just what to say. 

I started to wonder if I was the one looking up to him now.  

Soon enough, I'd be off to college, but his flat would always be my safe space. It had what I wanted most:

Privacy, good food, and, well, Carter.