Barcode Boy: After Hours

By now, I decided that summer was my favorite season. School was out and I always got the opportunity to see Carter’s adorable sunburnt face. At least, that was the case for grade school. 

Normally, I hated the scorching heat, but my abnormally low body temperature made me grow accustomed to it. Not only was I comfortable, but the season granted us guaranteed free time. 

Or it used to.

Now that we were dating, driving, legal, and employed, I hoped we could redo our first summer together. We had our “second” first date in the fall, and now we could relive the experience with the bonus of being left to our own devices.

I spent the last several weeks vacationing at Carter’s flat instead of going back home. I didn’t know if Mom and Lloyd had gotten enough Jean since November, but I still feared having a repeat of high school. 

Regardless, Lloyd finally had his own crew, and he always seemed twitchy when we were all in the house together. Now that he was sixteen, he wasn’t my problem. Hell, he couldn't stand when I'd tell him what to do nowadays. I didn’t care since I already had responsibilities. 

Alas, that’s what I hated.

It was July, but me and Carter were still running around like chickens. 

Over the summer, the blond had picked up a few shifts at the hardware store downtown. His “tutoring” didn’t bring in as much cash when school was out, excluding the few who took summer classes.  I started working at a skate shop in one of the malls near his apartment to rack up some money before I started classes at Penn. 

I was basking in his presence before I’d have to drive an hour whenever I wanted to see him. And yet, we rarely had time to spend together when the sun was up. Despite how frequently I’d been staying the night, we had both been on our feet so much that we’d pass out shortly after returning home and stuffing our faces. 

We had to live in the moment regardless of how much I hated the inability to make up for the lost time. Still, the more time we spent apart during break got me thinking. 

Carter never did well when we were apart. 

Back in the day, I remembered the disappointment in his eyes when we didn’t end up in the same group for a school project or had to ride separate buses for a field trip.

When we got a moment to catch our breath, he expressed how much he missed me and hated how fast he fell asleep when we cuddled. I could bask in the moment for an hour, but he was often out in minutes. 

At the very least, we promised to always eat dinner together. It didn’t matter if it was pizza, leftovers, or frozen dino nuggets—we always waited for each other. I never minded eating alone, but whenever we got a chance to talk, I realized how much our unaligned schedules bothered him. 

It made me wonder how he fared when I was permanently gone back in the day. He was already upset now—I’m sure his erratic teenage emotions were worse when I was arrested. The blond constantly told me he was fine, but I wanted all the details so I could apologize upfront. I still hated myself relentlessly for it, but he never brought it up and quickly redirected the conversation when I tried. 

Maybe he was over it now that we were dating and came clean about so much, but if that were the case, he didn't need to hide the specifics.

I stood against the front door, staring at his empty apartment.

I had just gotten back after my shift ended, and now I got to play the waiting game until Carter returned from work. At the very least, it was Friday, so we had a few days to spend together.

I had stopped by the grocery store on my way home and bought a ton of ingredients to make a cake. I figured I could surprise the blond and start our weekend off with something sweet. I was a mess in the kitchen and couldn’t cook for shit, but baking was different, so I figured I’d give it a shot. 

I lugged the bags to the kitchen, tied my apron, and turned on some tunes. Carter was always a sucker for vanilla and fruit flavors, so I turned to the strawberry vanilla cake I had bookmarked on my phone. 

I poured four ounces of milk into the bowl, tapping my foot to some punk rock songs that I had recently found. Carter said I had the perfect hairstyle for headbanging and enjoyed witnessing the awful concerts I’d have around his apartment. All I needed was to learn guitar or something.

Still, being in the kitchen without him sucked. Frankly, that went for any chore. In this case, he'd probably lend a hand or keep me away from the major ingredients so I wouldn’t fuck anything up.

As I started blending the cake mix, I felt like I had gotten most of it on myself in the process. To be completely honest, I had no clue when the blond was getting home. Whether the cake was done when he arrived or not, he’d still be surprised. 

I planned to clean up the aftermath, and I knew I was messy in the kitchen, but I didn’t think I was this bad. 

After putting the cake in the oven and setting the timer, I looked around in awe. Half of the kitchen was covered in flour, countless things were knocked over, and remnants of the ingredients were scattered everywhere.

While I waited for the dessert to cook, I tried to tidy up since it looked like I had set a bomb off in a bakery. There was so much flour on me that my sweatpants looked grey instead of black.

When I had finally finished, I threw almost everything I was wearing into the washing machine, including the apron. I collapsed shirtless onto the couch after replacing my outfit since the oven had turned the place into a mini sauna.

I retied my hair into a bun and started flipping channels, only to find myself watching the Food Network. For a while, I marveled at how well these other people were at baking, especially while timed. Though, just as I started to doze off, I heard my phone begin to buzz on the kitchen counter. Hearing my favorite song sent me into fight or flight, and I instantly jumped off the couch to pick it up.

“Carter!!” I beamed into the mic.

The blond laughed on the other side. “Hey, you sure sound pretty hype. Good day at work, I assume?”

“I suppose you could say that,” I glanced at the oven with a smirk. “You on your way home or something?”

There was a pause.

“Yeah, about that…” Carter mumbled into the phone. “I had to take up part of Vincent’s shift for tonight so I won’t be home till late. I’m really sorry.”

The last time I looked at the clock, it was nearing five. 

“O-Oh. It’s totally fine—as long as you’re still coming home!” I laughed forcefully. “Um but, yeah—how late are we talking?”

“Unless he comes in sooner, maybe eight or nine?”

Carter was often home by six. Of course, today had to be the day that I’d gotten off early, so I just got to spend more hours here alone, wandering aimlessly.

“Hey, are you alright?” The blond asked, worried at my lack of a response.

“Huh? Oh—yeah. Yeah, yeah, I’m cool.” I closed my eyes. “That’s fine. Are you okay?”

I heard the other man chuckle. “No. I really miss you,” He muttered as his voice cracked a bit.

Hearing that made my stomach drop even more. 

“I miss you too, Carter.”

The boy sniffled, and I started tearing up. “S-Sorry, I should probably get back to work now—I just wanted to let you know. I’m really sorry, and I really love you and miss you—please don’t be mad at me!”

I smiled at the counter. “It’s okay, seriously. It’s not your fault.”

“Are you sure?!”

“Yeah. Just hurry home once you’re all done, alright?”

“A-Alright,” He sighed. “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

I heard the phone click, but I continued to stand there with it up to my ear. I couldn’t even think straight. A tear fell from my eye onto the counter.

I hated this so much.

I wished that for at least a month, I could lock him away and have him all to myself. Alas, all I wanted were the days of our childhood which were long gone. I had to get over it.

God, I didn’t know what to do.

I didn’t know whether to be sad about Carter’s absence, mad that Vincent couldn’t come in on time, or happy that the blond was still coming home and I could surprise him with cake. I was getting a migraine trying to decipher it all, and the crying was making it worse.

And then I got a waft of something unpleasant. I wiped my eyes and froze.

The cake was burning.

I grabbed some oven mitts as I turned on the light to find the cake was spilling out of the pan and over the side. For fuck’s sake, at least I could clean the kitchen, but I had no clue how to handle the oven without burning myself.

I treacherously grabbed the melty cake, spilling tons of the batter as I set it in the sink. It didn’t even make any sense. How in the hell did I manage to overfill the pan when I got most of the cake batter on myself?!

I stared at the mess I had created in the oven for a few seconds before I broke down, not that shedding tears would necessarily solve the problem.

“Fuck!!” I slammed the oven door. 

“Why couldn’t everything just go as planned?! Why couldn’t Carter just come home on time and the cake bake normally? Or why couldn’t we have normal free time in the fucking first place so I wouldn’t have to go above and beyond just to make myself feel good and not like I was at risk of losing my boyfriend to capitalism!!” I paced before punching one of the cabinets.

“God fucking dammit!” I yelled, pulling out some cupcake tins.

I started trying to pour the soupy cake into the tins, but my unsteady grasp and watery eyes ruined the trajectory. Once again, it got everywhere except where I needed it to go. 

What the hell was I supposed to do now?

There was still a sea of cake batter burning in the bottom of the oven, and my attempt to handle the leftovers just made everything worse.

I fell to the ground, continuing to sob as I stared at the inside of the oven.

“I’m such a fucking idiot,” I mumbled to myself.

But then I finally got an idea.

Aaron.

I could get Aaron to help me. Sure, he wasn’t a culinary student, but he was the only one nearby I could get help from, and Blair always went to him for baking fiascos.

I bolted out of the apartment and down the stairs to Aaron’s flat where I banged on his door, still wearing oven mitts. He was visibly pissed after turning the knob until he realized it was me. 

“Asher? Where’s your shirt…? And why…”

What I meant to say:

“Hey Aaron, I was making a cake for when Carter got home, but now he’s working late. Just when I got upset, the cake started burning in the oven, and I don't know what to do. I tried to fix it, but I think I just made it worse—can you help me?”

But since my brain was running at a hundred miles per hour, it came out as:

“C-Carter! Cake! I spilled it! Burning!!” I panted. “He cried on the phone! I killed his oven—I’m a horrible boyfriend—he’s gonna hate me! I made it worse—please help!!”

Aaron stared at me like I had six heads. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Cake! Oven! Burning—”

“Asher slow down, oh my God!” He exclaimed and grabbed my shoulders.

I looked around frantically and then grabbed his hand. “Just come!!” I shouted as he closed his door, and I dragged him back to Carter’s apartment.

Once inside, I pointed to the oven and all the smoke as Aaron ran over to examine the chaos. I sat on the floor with my back against the cabinets beside him, still shaking.

“Jesus Christ, what did you…” He muttered to himself.

The darker male noticed my anxiety as I pulled on my hair, staring off to the side while failing to catch my breath. 

“Asher?” 

I made eye contact with him for a split second before breaking it. “I don’t know what to do…”

“We can probably fix it, don’t fret,” He reassured and adjusted his glasses before grabbing the oven mitts I previously wore.

He turned off the appliance and then looked back at me. 

“Have you been crying?”

“No,” I said sharply.

He frowned. “But your eyes are red—your entire face is. It’s okay if you have been. I didn’t understand what you were sputtering at me earlier, but I’d like to know what’s wrong. Is there more going on than just the cake?”

I sighed shakily. “Everything’s fine.”

Aaron gave me a look before removing one of the oven racks and placing them in the sink with the cake. He managed to maneuver his arm inside and start wiping up the batter. I was afraid he’d burn himself, but his arms were skinnier than mine.

“Sorry to make you have to do this,” I said quietly.

He glanced back at me and grinned. “Eh it’s fine, it gave me something to do. I’ve been rotting on the couch watching TV since I got home.”

I smiled a little. 

“Y’know,” Aaron began. “Carter had told me stories about how bad you were in the kitchen, but I never thought you were this bad.”

I sighed. “I mean—I followed the recipe! I don’t know what the hell happened! E-Everything was going well, and then boom! I smell smoke, the cake’s ruined, and everything’s ruined and…”

I placed my head on my knees as Aaron kept fixing my catastrophe. Even though he was lending a hand, it felt weird being alone with him. Whenever I was with him, Carter was there too. We didn’t talk much. Thanks to Carter, I knew they shared a dorm, and he was majoring in bio.

Due to my horrible headspace back in November, I didn’t form a solid first impression of him. He was cool, sure, but even at his apartment, not much was said. He was nice, and his hair was fascinating, but he was the only person I was shy around. Despite being taller than him, he intimidated me. 

He was calm, collected, mature, and seemed to have his whole life together. I surely envied him a bit because of that, but because he was so close to Carter, I wanted to be close to him too. 

The three of us often hung out together, and he didn’t seem to mind that we were dating. Frankly, I think Aaron figured it out before Carter and I even told him. But even though we got along when we were all together, it got awkward when Carter went to the bathroom, and we’d lose our buffer. 

I never knew what to say. I wasn’t aware of his interests, and I didn’t know if we shared the same sense of humor.

He and Carter were roommates, but I wanted to know more about how they became friends, especially since that was during my absence. If anyone could probably tell me what Carter was like when I was gone, Aaron was probably the perfect person. The blond rarely vented to his parents, and I doubt he talked to Lloyd either. Aaron was the one good friend that Carter made when I was gone.

I wasn’t jealous; I was just curious. 

I wanted to be best friends with him too. I wanted us to be a trio, even if it meant Aaron was the third wheel. Although, he never seemed to be bothered by that. He was completely indifferent towards it. I remember when I got drunk and started making out with Carter right beside him, and he didn’t even budge. He just continued watching TV.

Sometimes he seemed as laidback as a corpse, but then the next second, he was rolling on the floor laughing. It relied on who he was around and the environment he was in. It was interesting, and I was desperate for more notes on him.

“Alright, I think everything’s cleaned out now,” Aaron said, smiling with the mismatched oven mitts. 

I took a deep breath and chuckled softly. “Thank you so much—I was so lost, man.”

The other male moved some of the dreads out of his face. “Yeah, no problem! Were you trying to make the remnants into cupcakes?” He asked and pointed to the mess on the counter and in the sink.

I nodded slowly, placing my head on my knees again. “Y-Yeah. But it’s a bunch of different textures, and I don’t want to make yet another problem…”

“So…you wanna throw it all away?” Aaron asked, beginning to wipe the counter.

I nodded again.

Aaron moved around some more as I stared into space again. After tossing the leftover batter, he cleaned up the tins and pans.

“You were zoning out for a while earlier. You alright?”

I felt my face heat up a bit as I nodded.

I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact with him. I felt like I was gonna break down again at any second, so I just clung to my knees and sat there trembling like a toddler. Sure, the oven fiasco was solved, but Carter was still coming home late, and I no longer had a home-baked good to share with him.

Aaron would leave, and I’d continue to sit on the floor, unsure what to do with myself. Or at least I figured he would leave, but he kept standing with his back to the counter, stalling.

“What was it you were rambling to me earlier when you knocked on my door?” He asked suddenly.

I cringed. 

“Ah, nothing. I mean, the problem’s fixed now, so it’s all good.”

“Normally, I’d take your word for it, but you’ve been scrunched up on the floor the entire time I’ve been here.” He looked me over. “What’s going on?”

The darker male sat across from me, and I sighed.

“I just miss Carter. Even though it’s the summer, I feel like I can never spend any quality time with him even though I’ve been staying the night here.” I sighed and combed a few strands of hair behind my ear.

“I wanted to make him a cake to start to weekend off since I had gotten home early, but then I fucked it up. To make matters worse, Carter told me he was covering his friend’s shift, and not only do I not have a surprise for him, but now I have to wait twice as long to see his stupid pretty face,” My eyes started watering again. 

“I just wanna hang out with him before summer ends, and we have to go to school, and I can barely see him at all!”

Aaron rubbed my shoulder. “Hey, it’ll be fine!”

I moved his hand. “No, it won’t! If this keeps going, I’m afraid I’ll lose him! It’s not fair!”

The other man handed me napkins off the counter, and I wiped my face.

“Asher, c’mon—don’t think like that. Your relationship is practically invincible. Sure, there’ll be bumps here and there, but you guys have been through thick and thin ever since you were young.” He nudged me. “You were even separated for two years, but you still found your way back to each other! If that’s not a good sign, I don’t know what is!”

“Well, yeah…” I nodded a little. “But I want to see him so bad.”

“Well, maybe tonight you guys can plan to take a few days off so you can have a little vacation together to make up for the lost time.” He suggested with a smile.

I sniffled. “That would be really nice actually,” I said and laughed a little.

“I’ll be honest,” Aaron began. “I ran into Carter a few times recently, and though he said everything was fine, I could tell something was up. I didn’t really wanna stick my nose into your relationship, but I was kind of worried about you two.”

I smiled a bit. “Y’know, sometimes I wonder why you’re not majoring in psychology or something.”

He chuckled. “Eh yeah. But I don’t care much about other people’s minds—just my friend’s.”

I laughed. “Well, I guess that’s understandable.”

Aaron shrugged. “I suppose. I mean, I just find you two interesting. Yes, you’re my friends so of course I care about y’all, but your relationship is cool.”

I blushed.

“I-I mean, not to be weird or anything! But I think it’s awesome how you two have been together since you guys were kids. I just find it sweet. To think you guys have seen each other through puberty, cringe middle school phases, acne, terrible haircuts,” Aaron laughed. “It’s kinda awesome. I haven’t experienced that, so I enjoy snooping around sometimes.”

“Wait, so you don’t have anyone you’ve known since childhood? Or at least still talk to? Or a girlfriend?”

Aaron smiled at the ground. “Nah, not really. For years, I kept to myself, and then I met Carter and through him, I met you. But I still cherish my alone time.”

“So…are you not interested in dating or anything?”

“Not particularly,” He shrugged. “I’d rather focus on school for right now. Relationships are messy, especially during college when everyone’s experimenting despite lacking basic communication skills.”

“You and Carter started as friends, which is different,” Aaron continued. “In my case, no one knows me well enough, and everyone’s so…immature. I either need to find someone older or wait until I’m twenty-five.” 

“Twenty-five?”

“Y’know, when your frontal lobe finishes forming,” He snickered. “Who knows? Regardless, relationships rarely go well for me, and I’m done trying for the time being.”

“Geez, has it really been that bad for you?”

“I’m just sick of the stigmas around men in relationships. It’s bad when the guy only wants sex, but if he’s ace, somehow that’s worse.”

“Oh shit, you’re ace?!”

Aaron chuckled nervously. “Yeah…”

“Does Carter know?”

“No,” He muttered. “We rarely talked about relationships. Sometimes he’d ask me for advice, but it was a messy topic thanks to…”

“Me,” I looked off to the side. “Figures.”

“Yeah, no offense.”

“None taken.”

“Still, you can tell him if you want,” He adjusted his glasses. We’re all friends, so it doesn’t matter—not to mention you two are the ones dating. My sexual orientation doesn’t matter.”

“Sure, but that’s your business. I think you should tell him, but it’s not my news to share.”

The darker male shrugged. “That’s fair.”

I’d never met anyone who was asexual before. Frankly, the only person I’d met so far who wasn’t straight was Carter.

“Well, I’m bi,” I gave him an awkward thumbs up. “Or did Carter already tell you?”

Aaron shook his head. “Nah, Carter never brings up that kind of stuff, and I honestly don’t mind. I don’t think sexuality should matter. As long as you’re in a happy, healthy relationship with someone you love, who cares about the gender?”

I smiled. 

That felt good to hear.

“Can I…ask you something?”

“Sure, lay it on me.”

I sighed and took my hair down so I had something to fidget with. 

“You said that you and Carter never really talked about relationships back in the day because of me, right?”

Aaron nodded.

“What was he like when you two met? Like, when I was gone…what happened?”

The man cocked an eyebrow. “He didn’t tell you?”

“No, he never brings it up.” I chuckled. “Sometimes I’m worried that he’s still mad about it all. I know that Carter gets upset when we’re apart, but I never got too much info about what he was like when I was gone for real.”

Aaron looked off to the side. “Geez, well…”

“I mean—that is if you feel comfortable telling me! If you were sworn to secrecy, you don’t have to,” I forced a laugh. “I just don’t have much to go off of.” 

The most information I had came from those voicemails, which he sent when he was still in high school. I knew nothing about the aftermath. 

“No, it’s fine,” He chuckled. “He probably just avoids the topic so he doesn’t relive it while trying to explain it all.”

Aaron took a deep breath. “Well, before the semester started, me and Carter got each other’s numbers after learning we’d be roommates. Still, I think we only ever texted each other ‘hi’ until we met in person.” 

He fiddled with his hair. “On moving day, I remember entering the dorm and seeing Carter lying on his bed with his stuff. It was only the first day, and he already looked so worn out. I immediately wanted to ask if he was okay, but instead, we just greeted each other and sat in silence for a while.”

He sighed. “I didn’t necessarily mind since I wasn’t in the market for one of those overly loud roommates who’s always going to parties and making a ruckus. But Carter just seemed a little too quiet.”

I chuckled. “Well, Carter was like that with me when we first met too. But I was the one who filled the silence and eventually convinced him to hang out with me. You left him alone.”

Aaron smiled. “Well yes, don’t expect much to happen if you put two introverts in a room.”

I laughed. 

“But that being said, we never really talked much, not even after the first day. Sure, we shared our hometowns and a bit of family life, but that was it. We were both STEM majors, but bio and computer science didn’t have anything in common.”

“That was maybe until a few weeks into the semester,” He mumbled. “Carter would have nightmares, and sometimes I’d hear him crying in his sleep. I was a light sleeper, but I was more concerned than annoyed. So, after a few nights of watching him cry on the other side of the room in the dark, I brought it up.” 

Aaron sighed. “And y’know how Carter is—he apologized like a hundred times, even though I wasn’t mad. I told him he could talk to me about whatever was weighing on his mind. I didn’t want to force the words out of him, but if he needed someone to talk to, I was always free, and I’d keep everything to myself.”

I snickered. “You say as you tell me.”

“Well, I’m sure you’re the one exception. He was probably worried about other people in his classes getting word of it. But he eventually gave me a…vague synopsis,” He chuckled. “He never mentioned your name or anything but when I met you in November, I slowly connected the dots.”

The guy glanced at me. “Let me just say, people vent to me a lot, but…Carter was different. I was often faced with small issues that usually could be solved with some good advice, but Carter scared me. I helped by lending an ear, but I couldn’t actually help him.”

“He cried so much and for so long,” Aaron continued quietly. “I always let him vent to me on other days when he was stressed and the feelings had resurfaced, which was fine—I didn’t mind, but…I felt so bad.”

He took a deep breath. “I didn’t have someone like you two had each other, so I didn’t have a frame of reference, but I still couldn’t imagine what it felt like to be going through what he was. I tried to be a good friend and someone he could lean on, but sometimes I couldn’t help but cry with him,” He muttered.

My eyes started to water again. 

If only I could go back in time and hold him. 

“We became friends, of course, but he cried about you to me more times than I could count.” He leaned against the cabinets. “But he needed to. He said he hadn’t talked to anyone about what happened, except for your brother when he would sleep over at his house.”

“A-And that really worried me. It still gets me worked up just thinking back on it,” Aaron took his glasses off and covered his face. “He was lonely and kept so much to himself because he feared what other people might think.”

I rubbed my arms. “Yeah…that sounds like Carter. Old habits die hard.”

“You were the only one he would talk to for all that time,” Aaron muttered. “He didn’t know what to do when you left.”

I struggled to swallow the lump in my throat. I stared at Aaron as he tried to compose himself, but his voice broke when he finally managed to organize the rest of his thoughts.

“There was this one weekend,” He began quietly. “We were eating dinner, I think—I don’t remember what we were talking about, but Carter wound up talking about you again. He mentioned a memory of you two eating a whole box of pizza you had smuggled into his room after his dad tried to feed you his horrific creation.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, his dad was not the chef of the family. I remember that,” I smiled to myself. “Each slice had a different topping, and I got so nauseous. It was…terrible, but it became a core memory.”

“He kept reminiscing, but the mood quickly died. It was a common occurrence but…” He shook his head.

“He said he had thought about killing himself during all of this more times than he could count.”

I froze.

“Since your arrest in March, it was all he thought about as he failed to cope,” Aaron muttered while staring at the floor. “It only worsened with time.”

“And to make matters worse, he laughed afterward like it was funny—like it was some kind of fucking joke.” His voice shook. “I lost my appetite in seconds.”

“I had stared into the medicine cabinet so many times. I knew where all the bad stuff was—the painkillers from when my dad broke his arm, the overflow containers of Tylenol, the extra strength Nyquil from my mom’s worst case of the flu years ago.”

“I knew exactly what to do. I knew how much was too much. I just didn’t have the balls.”

“What would he have done after being released? How would he have reacted, knowing that his best friend took his life because he missed him so much? It sounded ridiculous.”

“‘We’re sorry,’ they would say. ‘Carter’s gone.’”

“What would he do? Would he have another meltdown and end up back up in jail? I knew I’d only make him guilty and who knew what would come of that. I was so tired, but I knew I’d destroy him if I went through with it. Ten years is bad but forever is unspeakable. He didn’t deserve that.”

“I was hopeless. My drive was gone, my future seemed unreachable, and every time I went to sleep, I prayed I wouldn’t wake up, but the thought of hurting him always stopped me in my tracks. I’d close the cabinet and I’d see my reflection in the mirror. For a few seconds, I’d see myself through his eyes.”

“He always cheered me on. Sometimes I could still hear him in my head. He wanted to see me succeed. I couldn’t keep bed-rotting, I couldn’t fail my classes—even if he wasn’t around, I wanted him to be proud of me when all was over and done with. And that meant I couldn’t give up.”

I covered my mouth as silence filled the room. 

I felt sick.

Carter never mentioned anything of the sort. Suddenly, the undertones of those voicemails started to make sense. No wonder he droned on about being tired.

He wasn’t tired in the way a good night’s rest could solve, especially since all he did was sleep. He rarely did his homework, sometimes he couldn’t even get up to go to school, his hobbies lost their glow, he had no one to talk to, and so, he’d just sleep. 

He was mentally exhausted.

He couldn’t put up with it anymore.

“F-Fucking hell,” I sputtered as I struggled to make eye contact with Aaron through the sea of tears pouring down my face. 

The darker male placed his face in his hands. “I didn’t know what to do—I didn’t know what to say! That scared the shit out of me, like—if I hadn’t met him, would you two have never met again? Would it all have ended right then and there?!”

I pulled my knees to my chest and shut my eyes. My head pounded. I knew Carter’s house like the back of my hand—I could envision him in that upstairs bathroom, fighting with himself.

All because of me.

“I didn’t know what to do!” Aaron continued. “So, I just like, grabbed his arm and begged him not to go through with it. And he pulled back, offended, claiming that it was only a passing thought from earlier in the year!”

“I got so fucking mad!” He stared at his hands. “I didn’t want him to end his life—not now, not later, not over you or me or anyone! He got pissed and tried to tell me that I didn’t know how it felt to be alone and like no one cared about him!”

“And maybe I didn’t completely understand” He went on. “But he was the first good friend I had made since the beginning of high school! I knew what it was like to be alone, but…he told me he had been alone his entire childhood until he met you. His suicidal thoughts didn’t suddenly pop up once you left—they’d…been plaguing his mind since he was young.”

And I never knew.

I never picked up on it and he never said a word.

“I hadn’t felt like that since the end of fifth grade. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to lose my only safe space. I had no hope for the next school year. I’d meet new people who would find new reasons to hate me. I knew what was coming, so what was the point of going through that whole process?”

“Packing up my belongings, tossing my keepsakes because ‘we didn’t have enough space,’ researching the new neighborhood—what a fucking waste of time. I was too young to know how to escape. All I knew was that I was tired of being there. I was tired of waking up. I was tired of enduring it.”

“And then I met him. And all of a sudden, the world felt vibrant again. I mattered to him and he made sure I knew.”

At that point, I was surprised I even had any tears left. 

I understood why Carter avoided the subject, but learning I almost drove him to suicide years after saving him from it when we first met was fucking killing me.

I don’t think I could ever apologize enough to fix it. 

“He loves you so much,” Aaron said as I failed to wipe my face. “After I realized you were the one he had talked about all those months, I was relieved. You mean the world to him, Asher.”

All I ever wanted was to make him happy.

Little did I know, I was the only one checking in on him and going out of my way to make him smile. And yet, I thought I was saving him by keeping my mouth shut as we got older. All I did was put him through the pain I had helped him escape from years ago. 

How come he didn’t hate me?

Now I was glad he was working late. Seeing him smile at me would feel like a knife in the chest. I put him through so much, and yet, he still smiles at me. And lets me hold him and kiss him and hang around him constantly. 

I didn’t deserve it.

“Asher, hey…” Aaron shook my shoulder as I still held my knees like a toddler. 

The man handed me more napkins, but they made no difference. The tears kept falling, and I couldn’t clear my head. Carter knew what he was doing by keeping it to himself. 

I felt like shit.

“A-Are you okay?” The man asked as my sobs continued. 

“… After all of that, he shouldn’t love me. I’m the last person he should love, if anything it should be you—the person who was actually there to help him!” I finally looked up at him. “I’m just the fucking problem!”

Aaron took a deep breath and put his glasses back on. “That’s not true. You didn’t put him through all of that on purpose, right? You were trying not to be a burden—you had good intentions. Carter always mentions your altruism and even though things didn’t go as planned, you were prioritizing your friends and family. You wanted to help.”

He rubbed my shoulder as I finally wiped my face.

 “Those kinds of thoughts he had…you can’t control. They existed before you met, but you made him feel so loved that he could finally think straight, and they subsided. I’d be mad if he blamed you for what was going through his head back then. He was suppressing things too, right?”

I nodded slowly.

“It was a fucked-up team effort, but still a team effort nonetheless.”

I managed to chuckle.

“Here,” Aaron opened his arms. “I don’t know about you, but I could really use a hug right about now.” 

I quickly embraced him as I slowly composed myself. He smelled like burnt sugar, but I knew the same likely went for me. 

I doubted our busy schedules would hurt Carter to the same degree, but now I was more upset about being empty-handed. My pessimism convinced me I wasn’t enough of a surprise, but I didn’t have the energy to try and bake something else. 

“Thank you for this,” I muttered after a few minutes of silence. “The kitchen fiasco, the stuff about Carter—everything.”

He smiled after I leaned out of the hug. “Hey, don’t mention it. That’s what friends are for, right?”

I combed my fingers through my hair. “Yeah, but after hearing so much about the blond, I feel like I don’t know shit about you. Meanwhile, you know too much about me now. It’s uneven.”

He looked off to the side. “Well, after we got separate apartments, I told him to keep me updated and that he could still come to me for whatever. After you and I met, he explained that you were the mystery man he was always crying over,” He snickered. “After telling me you guys had started dating, I learned more about your past when he’d either overshare or ask for advice.”

 “It’s not like I asked him to spill his entire life story to me,” He continued. “I know a ton about him, but I only know you from Carter’s occasionally shared.”

“Well, the same goes for me to you,” I smirked. “My life’s not that interesting. What has Carter even told you besides all the relationship stuff?”

Aaron snickered. “You really wanna know?”

I nodded with a huge grin.

“Okay, well… He told me you have a younger brother and that you both have daddy issues. And thanks to your daddy issues, you have anger issues, but Carter thinks you’re hot when you’re mad. He also said in high school you acted like a player, but only ever dated one girl. Oh, and that when you were kids, you promised to go to prom together!”

I blushed as my smile grew.

“He also says that you’re really talented—that like, you’re great at spray painting and skateboarding and dancing.”

I laughed. “I’m not good at dancing at all!”

“Well, he said you’re good at slow dancing.” He said and raised his eyebrows.

“I… Well… Okay, I’ll give you that, but I didn’t expect that fact to be shared.”

“Eh, no judgment,” Aaron shrugged. “I can kind of breakdance, but that’s all. But he typically shared facts from when you were younger, so I don’t know anything recent.”

“I mean, most of that is still accurate. Daddy issues, anger issues, skateboarding, painting—all that good stuff.”

“It's just cute how he admires you. He thinks you're great at everything." Aaron smiled. "He told me about that time you went roller skating, and even though you two hadn’t been since you guys were like twelve, you still rolled around like a professional while he was busy falling on his ass.”

“Oh, I remember that! Yeah, he had to sit on all the ice packs!" I laughed. "But there's no way he thinks I'm good at everything!"

The other guy cleared his throat. “Apparently, he thinks you’re charming and cool and sexy. Don’t tell him I told you that though.”

“That’s so cute…” I played with my hair. “God, I fucking love that idiot. More than you can imagine.”

I watched as Aaron’s gaze drifted to the newest tattoo on my arm. For Carter's twenty-first birthday, we finally got our matching tattoos, as promised.

“I like that you two are such opposites, but somehow it’s practically impossible to pull you two away from each other.” Aaron smiled. “I know I said this earlier, but it’s awesome that you've been best friends since age eleven, and you still are, but now you also kiss and junk,” He laughed.

“I know right? I love it…” I sighed. “I couldn’t ask for anything better. This is all I’ve ever wanted.”

He smiled at me. “You ever told him that?”

I scoffed. “I mean, probably, but he’s never called me charming and sexy straight to my face, so he needs to talk too!”

Aaron snickered. “You two are something else.”

“But what about you?” I leaned in. “You know so much about me that it’s kinda creepy. Carter knows more about you than I do, and it’s unfair!” 

The other guy leaned back, some of his dreads coming loose from his bun and falling into his face.

“My life’s not that interesting either,” He muttered. “I don’t have glass powers or a lifelong best friend who’s now my boyfriend that I’ll probably marry when the time comes around.”

I flushed red. “Shut up!!”

Aaron snorted. “Carter’s right— It’s fun to embarrass you and watch your eye color change.”

I pouted. “Shut up! No wonder y’all are friends, you’re both so annoying!”

Aaron broke into laughter, and I couldn’t help but do the same. I liked seeing him like this—or at least being the source of his amusement. It was way better than watching him from afar or trying to figure out what was going on in his head as he stood around straight-faced. 

“I mean, I’m just giving you a taste of your own medicine. Carter tells me about how you go out of your way to embarrass him.”

I combed my hair back. “Well, yeah! It’s cute when he gets all flustered! Sorry that I like to smother my boyfriend!”

Aaron laughed. “That’s literally the same concept! I swear to God, sometimes you two act more like siblings than lovers with all the bickering and intentional pestering.”

“Well…yeah! That’s what happens when you fall in love with your best friend. And it’s romantic pestering and bickering, not ‘you’re the oldest and mom loves you more than me and therefore I hate you’ sort of ordeal.” I said and gazed at the ceiling for a second.

“Is that how it is with your younger brother? If so, that’s kinda harsh.”

I chuckled. “Thankfully, no. We like each other. Hell, he’s my best friend too.”

“Damn. Well, at least you two have a healthy relationship.”

“I mean, my mom didn’t raise us to be assholes, so we didn’t have any other choice,” I shrugged while laughing.

“I mean, that’s a good thing! Some parents just let their kids beat the shit out of each other,” He sneered.

“Wait, do you have a sibling? And hold on, did your parents let you do that??”

Aaron adjusted his glasses. “Oh God, no. Well, yes. I actually have a twin, but my parents didn’t let us brutalize each other.”

My face lit up. “Holy crap, are you two identical?!”

“Thankfully, no. I already have to share a birthday and grade with her—sharing looks would be way too much.”

I grinned. “Do you like her? What’s she like?”

Aaron shrugged. “She’s fine. Her name’s Deja. She’s majoring in graphic design…somewhere. We killed both of our parent’s wallets by going to college out of state,” He chuckled.

“Are you not close? I thought a smaller age gap fixes that kind of thing. There's five years between me and Lloyd.”

The darker male looked off to the side and smiled a little. “Well, when we were young, we were close, but we grew apart in high school. We had fewer things in common, formed different friend groups, and had different classes,” He sighed. 

“Honestly, she seemed to hate me, and I was afraid to ask why. Deja was my best friend, but then she cut ties and I mean, you can’t get any closer to someone than sharing a womb,” He joked. “After she left, I grew accustomed to the silence. I didn’t search for anyone to replace her.”

“That’s sad.”

Aaron shrugged. “Yeah, but people change. We were two peas in a pod like you and Carter, except we lived in the same house. I spent most of high school waiting for her to come back, but when we left for college, I realized it was the end of an era.”

“Do you guys text at least?” I asked.

Aaron shook his head. “We used to at least text each other on holidays, but that eventually stopped happening too. Sometimes I wonder if she got a new number because she doesn’t even read them, but I stopped stressing about it.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “Okay, but what about last fall? Did she at least show up for Thanksgiving?”

He sighed. “No, and that surprised me. She told our parents she was having dinner with whoever she was dating. Though I swear to God, one day I’m just gonna drive to her dorm to make sure she’s alive and not like—doing drugs or something.”

“Yeah, that’s understandable,” I chuckled. “I’m sure something is occurring on her end that she’s not telling you.”

“Most likely,” He muttered. “I’m planning to reach out again before the next semester starts. She’s gotta have more free time, so there’s no excuse for her to ignore my calls. And worst-case scenario, I’ll just call her from a friend’s phone.”

“I’m down,” I chuckled. “What’s your parent's take on all this?”

“I mean, at Thanksgiving, I knew they were mad she hadn’t introduced her date to the family, but they still compare her to me. ‘Look at your sister! She’s become a fine young lady—apartments, boyfriends, internships—what’s your excuse?”

“I dunno, maybe that you’re a man,” I snickered as Aaron smiled.

“Real shit. They act like she’s all this and that solely because she drifted away from the family and got a move on, but in truth, she just wanted to be unsupervised. She’s a total wild card, and she’s never given me a lick of information.”

“I’m down to kick down her door with you to make sure she hasn’t joined a gang.” I stood up and stretched, playing off the few cracks that filled the silence.

Aaron laughed. “That could be fun.”

“Anyways, I’m gonna go put on a shirt.”

“It’s about damn time. I was trying to keep my eyes on your face.”

“You have permission to look, I don’t mind!”

I flexed as Aaron turned back around to me, and he averted his gaze. 

“Don’t do that, that’s weird. You’re weird.”

“You wanna touch my abs?” I exclaimed and ran back over to him.

He quickly rolled away from me. “What?! No!”

I raised my eyebrows. “You sure? This might be the only chance you get,” I teased and kneeled beside him.

Aaron scoffed before rubbing his hand across my chest.

“You should come and work out with me and Carter!” I said as he went back to lying on the floor. “We could all be gym bros.”

“Nah, I’m content with being a twig. It’s how my mama likes me,” He joked. “And I’m sure if I got any muscle definition, my dad would try and wrestle me in the living room.”

“Yikes,” I said as he closed his eyes back.

“Yikes indeed,” He mumbled as I walked into Carter’s room.

“Y’know,” I began, reentering the kitchen after making myself decent. “I’ve never seen you with your dreads down. They’re always tied up in some way, shape, or form.”

“Yup.”

“Can I see you with them down?”

“Nope.”

“Has Carter ever seen them down?”

“Nope. In Freshman year, they were too short to be tied up like this, but even now, nope.” He removed his glasses and rested his eyes for a moment. “I look weird with them down.”

“I doubt that. You’re no fun.” I scoffed and leaned on the couch. “Can you even see me from over there?”

He smiled and peeked one eye open. “I can see the shape of you. You’re an Asher-shaped blob. Very blurry.”

“Damn, how bad is your eyesight?”

“It’s terrible. I’ve been wearing glasses since kindergarten.” He said as he sat up and put them back on. He glanced at the oven clock.

“Wait, Carter should be home soon right?”

“Holy crap!” 

It was nearing eight, and I lit up. I instantly ran over to Aaron and hugged him once he had gotten to his feet. 

He went stiff in my arms. “Y-You okay?” 

I let go and jumped up and down. “Yes—holy shit! Thanks to you, I didn’t sit around staring at the wall while. Or crying. Even if the cake got messed up, it was nice to hang out with you for once.”

Aaron smiled sweetly. “Yeah! We should do this again.”

I nodded vigorously. “I’m just glad I finally talked to you, just us,” I admitted as I combed some of my hair back. “I felt like whenever the three of us hung out and Carter dipped for a second, it got hella awkward. "

He looked off to the side. “So you noticed it too.”

“Yeah, but it’s chill,” I chuckled. “I’m also glad you told me about Carter. I’m not…happy, but I’m relieved I don’t have to fill in the blanks anymore.”

“Yeah… Although, you should probably let him know that you know.”

I nodded slowly.

“Alas, I’m gonna return to rotting on my couch—maybe have a few beers or something.” He smiled as I walked him to the door.

“Thank you again for earlier with the oven and me freaking out and all that good mentally unstable Asher stuff.”

“Yeah, no sweat. As long as you’re alright now,” Aaron laughed. “Anyways, I’ll catch you later, I guess. Have fun with Carter,” He winked before walking out and rounding the corner.

I blushed a bit before I closed the door back, and returned to Carter’s empty apartment, yet again. In the meantime, I ordered a pizza so the blond would have something to eat when he got home. Dessert before dinner was no longer a viable option.

It was nice learning more about Aaron. I finally didn’t feel so excluded and I was glad Carter had him when I was gone. He had someone to keep an eye on him as his voice of reason. 

If anything, I needed to bake something for Aaron to thank him for all he did, but I might need Carter’s assistance to prevent me from setting his apartment on fire.

Even though I didn’t mind waiting for him now that I was in a good mood, by eight o’clock, Carter still hadn’t arrived. The pizza had already come, and I ate a few slices while I waited, but tried to leave some for him. 

I wandered around his apartment before getting bored and taking a shower. I finished my load of laundry from earlier in the day and around nine, collapsed onto the couch. I had thrown on the same outfit as before and tied up my hair again after washing it. 

Today felt like an entire week.

Even though Aaron helped me pass a ton of time, I felt like I had been up and on my feet forever. I had almost fallen asleep against the cushions when I finally heard the rattling of keys in the door. I jumped up like I had just inhaled ten cups of coffee and ran to embrace Carter before he could even put his stuff down.

“Holy shit!” He screeched, dropping his things as he tried to maintain his balance.

He laughed as I showered his face and neck in kisses, hugging me back as tight as possible. We rocked back and forth until I finally leaned away and locked eyes with him.

“Hi,” I snickered, his face a tomato.

He closed the door back and grinned. “Hey!”

“I missed you,” I pouted as we hugged again. 

“I missed you too!” He cried, digging his face into my neck. “I’m sorry about today! I thought I’d be home earlier and that we’d have more time to hang out, and I’m sorry for leaving you here all alone, yet again—”

I shushed him. “Dude, it’s okay—it’s not your fault. At least you’re here now. That’s all I can ask for.”

He gave me a dorky smile and then looked off to the side. “You promise you’re not mad at me?”

I chuckled and cupped his face while rubbing my nose against his. “Of course I’m not mad, you adorable dork,” I whispered.

The blond wrapped his arms around my neck as I leaned in and pressed my lips against his. God, I had been waiting for this all day. I loved how he curled the few strands of hair that had fallen out of my bun and clung to my body like I hadn’t held him in years.

I pulled back for a few seconds just to lock eyes with his half-lidded gaze and smile before leaning back in. However, he started laughing as I tried to keep kissing him.

“What?” I snickered.

He grinned. “At least let me wash up first—I’ve been out in public all day, and here you are eating all the germs off my face.”

I shrugged and pecked his lips again. “Eh. I’m just buildin’ my immunity.”

Carter laughed. “That’s so gross!” He said and pushed me away. “C’mon, I won’t be that long.” He explained and started walking towards his room.

I ran over and held him from behind, stopping him again. I started nibbling on his neck, and he squirmed in my grasp, laughing even harder.

“S-Stop—that tickles! Jean!”

I smiled, untucking his shirt and sliding my hand up his chest causing him to lean his head back a little.

“Just a little longer,” I whispered against his ear.

He moaned quietly as I ran my lips across his neck, and I smiled. I felt his heart racing against my hand, and it was cute. I liked the smell of outside mixed with his deodorant, and I missed holding him in my arms.

Carter grabbed my hand as I slid it down his stomach and snickered. “Dude, let me wash up.”

I groaned and finally released him, smirking as he disappeared into his room. Once he was gone, I licked my lips and leaned against the kitchen counter, still bubbling with excitement. The five minutes he spent changing into a t-shirt and basketball shorts felt like an eternity, but soon enough, he returned to his doorway with open arms.

“Okay, now you can come back!”

I looked away from the TV and chuckled. “Too late. The moment's passed.”

He gasped. “Oh my God—that’s not fair!”

“Eh, life isn’t fair.” I snickered. 

He ran over and hugged me. “No! I’ve waited all day for this! Come on!!”

Carter started pecking my neck and I laughed.

“Alright, I’m just kidding,” I teased and wrapped my arms around him, showering him in kisses. 

He laughed every time my lips touched his skin, but once I caught my breath and leaned back, Carter pulled me into a deep kiss. He unraveled my bun to tangle his fingers in my hair, which caught me off guard, but I wasn’t complaining. 

He hummed into my touch before leaning back and gazing at me with those sparkly teal eyes of his.

“I love you,” He muttered against my lips and kissed me again.

“I love you more.".

We hugged for a while as I rubbed circles on his back. All he had to do was kiss me, and I’d fall head over heels for him again. 

“So,” Carter began casually. “What did you do when I was substituting for Vince? Throw a party or something?” 

He released me. “I noticed how it kinda smells like vanilla. Vanilla, fire, and also pizza.”

I blushed and scratched my head. “Ah yeah… I tried to make a cake, but it spilled everywhere and burned…like burned a lot. And I had to go get Aaron for help.”

The curly-haired boy started laughing. “Jesus Christ, Jean! You seriously need some baking lessons! Baking and cooking!”

I rolled my eyes. “Shut up, at least I tried. I followed the recipe to a T, it’s not my fault.”

The blond noticed a few of the measuring cups that were on the drying rack. “Why were you even making a cake in the first place?”

I smiled. “I was making it for you.”

His face lit up and flushed red. “W-What? Why?!”

I chuckled. “Cuz I love you. And I knew that if you were tired and pissed from work, this was the one thing that was guaranteed to get a smile plastered across your face.”

Carter kept blushing and tried to hide his face with his hands.

“I wanted to start our weekend off with something sweet!” I sighed, “But…then you told me you’d be coming home way later and then the cake started burning and it all went to hell…” I chuckled.

“Holy shit dude. Man, if I knew you were making a cake I would’ve been like ‘Fuck Vincent—I’m leaving early and starting my weekend!’”

I laughed as Carter sat at the counter and noticed the pizza boxes. He pulled out a slice and started eating it beside me.

“It’s fine. It wasn’t all too bad. I hung with Aaron after he helped me with the oven so at least I had company.”

He grinned. “You hung out with Aaron?!”

I laughed. “Yeah—it was pretty fun.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” The blond said as he finished another slice. “You two never hang out one-on-one.”

I sighed. “Exactly, that’s why I took up the opportunity. I mean, I didn’t plan for it, but he stuck around after helping clean up the mess that I made so…”

“What did you two talk about?” Carter asked as he walked over to the couch.

I followed and collapsed beside him as he leaned on a few pillows. 

I hesitated. 

Where the hell was I supposed to start?

“W-Well, he had an idea for us,” I messed with my hair. “He said we should try and take some time off from work together so we can finally hang out…”

I watched as Carter’s face lit up. 

“I mean, it doesn’t have to be this week or anything. It’d probably be better if we gave our bosses a heads-up,” I mumbled.

He nodded. “Hell yeah! Damn—why didn’t we think of that? Thank God we have Aaron to step in for our lack of brain cells.”

I laughed. “Pshh, exactly. He probably just wanted us to stop complaining to him about our bullshit.”

“How many days would we take off? Two? Maybe three?” He pondered for a bit. “We could take off on a Friday and a Monday to get a four-day weekend…”

I chuckled. “Why don’t we just take Monday through Friday off so we can have a week? Not to mention, after a week, we’d probably be sick of each other, and it’d be right around the time when we’d go back to our normal schedules.”

“I could never get sick of you!” Carter exclaimed with the cutest pout.

I leaned over and ruffled his hair. “That is, until I go out of my way to embarrass the shit outta you,” I smirked. “But we should probably choose a date soon before I go back home.”

The blond looked off to the side. “Why…don’t you just extend your stay? I don’t mind you staying here with me.”

“Well, my mom might get pissed that I spent the entire summer with you instead of her…” I sighed.

“But you’re an adult now! And we’re dating, so it makes sense since we don’t have as much time to hang out during the school year.”

I smiled. “Yeah, but she doesn’t know that.”

He scoffed. “Then tell her!”

“You can’t pester me about coming out to my mom when you’ve never said a single thing to any of your family members! I’ve at least told Lloyd!”

Carter crossed his arms. “I’ve told Aaron though.”

“Aaron practically figured it out himself.”

The blond huffed. “Well, so did Lloyd! Whatever—I’m sure your mom won’t kill you if you stay with me for just one more week.”

I nodded. “Well then, do you just wanna take this upcoming week off? Or depending on the amount of notice needed, the week after might be better. We can draft an email tomorrow or something.” 

“I’m down!” Carter beamed. “Aaron’s always a man with a plan. What else did you two ramble about?”

“Well, apparently he has a twin sister.”

The blond chuckled. “Oh yeah, Deja! I know absolutely nothing about her, but yeah! Alright, what else?”

I was digging for different topics, but every time I assessed my options, I kept landing back on Carter’s slump. 

I ran out of filler.

“Okay, promise not to get mad?” I asked softly.

“Um…sure.” He squinted at me. “Why? What happened?”

I took a deep breath. “Alright, for starters, I’ve been dying to ask you about this, but there was never a good time to bring it up, and whenever I did, you’d redirect the conversation.”

Carter still looked confused. “What? When have I—?”

“Aaron told me about how you fared when I was gone.”

“Gone?”

“Sedated,” I muttered.

“Oh?” He paused. “Oh.” 

The TV commercials suddenly felt like they were at movie theatre volume. Carter avoided my eyes, and I watched as his blush increased.

Fuck.

“I understand why you didn’t tell me,” I rubbed my arm. “But I wanted to be able to apologize for everything, especially after learning the gory details.”

The blond still wouldn’t look at me.

“I’m sorry. I-I’m sorry my actions led to you feeling that way. I never intended to keep you up at night or trigger your meltdowns. And I especially didn’t want to make you want to, y’know. I made everything worse and…”

I slowly reached out to him, but he recoiled. 

“Fuck. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pried—” 

“Stop apologizing. It wasn’t your fault,” He said softly and crossed his arms.

I quickly muted the TV, but the silence immediately started eating me alive. I wanted to hold him, but I felt awful knowing I killed the mood with just a few sentences. He averted his gaze, but I could see the tears welling up in his eyes.

“I didn’t want you to know just how much I had fallen apart after you left,” He muttered. “I-It was stupid and embarrassing, and I didn’t want anyone to know because I felt so fucking weak.”

“Carter…”

“I couldn’t live without you, and I hated myself for it.”

I watched the tears fall and lifted his head to look at me.

“I-I just wish you had told me,” I wiped his face, but it didn’t make much of a difference.“You can come to me for anything, Carter! Always!”

The tears multiplied. 

“But it wasn’t until I met you, that the pain finally went away!” He cried. “I didn’t need to vent because I had you! I was always hurting but when you were around, it finally stopped controlling me!”

I pulled him into an embrace as he sobbed into my neck. 

“B-But when you left, no one seemed to care, and no one understood how I felt,” He clung to me. “I was lost again after years of thinking I found stability, and when the pain came back stronger than before, I couldn’t handle it!”

“I-I’m so sorry,” I rubbed his head, but he kept spiraling.

“I couldn’t think straight! My mind has always been a mess, but I didn’t want you to hate me and think I was crazy!”

“Carter, I could never hate you!”

“Yeah, but I couldn’t convince myself of that! I wanted to believe you loved me unconditionally, but I couldn’t even love myself like that! It seemed impossible!” He sobbed. “I’ve never known what was wrong with me! All I know is that the moment I met you, I finally felt happy for once. I could smile and laugh, and I finally felt alive.”

And then it hit me.

Carter had depression. 

That had to be what it was.

While he was introverted, that didn’t explain his low self-esteem issues or cynical thoughts. Aaron was just as withdrawn, but he didn’t have suicidal thoughts that had been brewing since he was young. Carter had been lonely for years, and constantly being bullied undoubtedly played a major role.

He had no one to lean on so when I became the first to reach out to him, he claimed I had changed his life. I’m sure he didn’t see me as such, but I became his personal antidepressant. 

It may have taken me a while to put the pieces together, but how did his parents fail to notice it? There’s no bigger red flag than a kid who spends their childhood alone. They’re not invited to birthday parties, they don’t invite friends over—they stay in their room whenever they get the chance.

To think he was more than halfway through college and still hadn’t been diagnosed. No one knew what he was going through because he never told anyone, but you’d think his parents would’ve noticed how abnormal he was acting after I left.

He lost his best friend, he skipped class, he missed meals, he broke up with his girlfriend—he was isolating himself. Every response was a major cry for help. 

He told me everything except what really mattered. He refused to mention his emotional attachment to me, which was more than just a friendship, and his failure to cope with life since he was young. 

He needed help that I couldn’t provide.

There was only so much that I could do, and despite how much I loved him, I was supposed to stop draining myself at the expense of other people. Nowadays, he claimed to be fine, but I didn’t want to risk losing him knowing there was a high chance he wouldn’t mention it to me. 

I didn’t want him to keep suffering and hiding behind a mask. It was a painful conversation, but we could get him diagnosed. There wasn’t any other solution.

“I feel more at peace now that I’m with you, but sometimes it still hurts,” The blond mumbled. “I don’t know what it is, and I hate it so much.”

He leaned back, and I wiped the tears from his face.

“Carter, we’ll figure this out. I’m glad I know enough to help you decipher this. I don’t want you to keep suffering in silence. It’s already lasted way too long.”

The boy leaned against my hand and closed his eyes, still crying.

“Thank you,” He sniffed. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Jean. If it weren’t for you, I probably wouldn’t even be here.”

My stomach dropped, but I knew he was right, I just hated thinking about it. Still, I was thankful he moved into my neighborhood. I couldn’t imagine life without him, and I doubt I could’ve gotten that close to anyone else. 

“I love you so much,” He sobbed. “I feel like I don’t say that enough or show it enough because I get embarrassed, and it’s not fair to you because I really do love you, Jean—more than you know.”

I pulled him back into me and started crying. It was taking all I had to hold it in, but I couldn’t pretend I didn’t feel his heartache.

“Carter, it’s okay—I know. I love you too. I’ll always be here for you,” I rubbed his back as his sobs multiplied and soaked my shoulder.

For a second, I felt like a kid again.

On the day we first met, he sobbed into the crook of my neck in the same way. He cried about leaving home and being alone, but when he realized he’d found someone who treated him like he was human, he was so relieved that it only brought forth more tears. 

There was a soft spot in my heart for those old memories. 

Carter rested against me until his cries subsided. When he finally sat up and got off the couch, his eyes and face were bright red, but he avoided my gaze.

“I… I should probably head to bed,” He mumbled.

“Wait, what? It’s only ten!” I grabbed his hand. “I thought we could stay up late—at least a little bit!”

The boy tensed up. “S-Sorry, I just feel like a wet blanket and…I don’t want to kill another vibe.”

“Dude, you’re perfectly fine,” I chuckled softly. “And I was the one who brought up the touchy stuff and made everything weird.” 

“C’mere,” I patted my thighs.

Carter hesitantly returned to my side, but he quickly got comfortable in my lap and shoved his face back into the crook of my neck. I laughed a bit, but I was comforted by his steady breathing. I couldn’t feel his heart racing anymore.

The blond shuffled in my lap as I struggled to read lips on the TV. When I grabbed the remote from the armrest with plans to unmute the hundredth episode of Carnival Eats, Carter kissed me. I flinched, dropping the remote as he stuck his hand under my shirt and I was surprised, but I couldn't help but smile. When he pulled back, he apologized before I could get a word out.

“W-What are you saying sorry for,” I snorted, which caused him to laugh. “You should kiss me more often!”

“I-I know—I’m sorry!”

I ruffled his hair with a smirk. “How else will you prove how sexy and charming you think I am?”

He turned red while grinning. “What?! Why did Aaron tell you that?!”

I shrugged but he quickly shoved me, dissatisfied by my aloof reaction. 

“And apparently I’m amazing at everything and hot when I’m mad,” I raised my eyebrows. “And I thought you were scared of me when I got pissed.”

Carter chuckled and rested his hand on the side of my neck. “I-It’s a little bit of both especially since, like, you’re always hot,” He muttered to himself, just barely looking at me. 

“Oh?”

He cut me off with another kiss as I prepared another snarky comment with plans to get his blush to spread to his ears. I expected him to pull away in an instant, but instead, he decreased the gap between us and traced my abs with his hands.

“Wow,” I muttered against his lips.

“Shut the hell up,” He glared at me before closing his eyes again and pulling me back in. “I can’t fucking help it.”

I twisted him around and towered over him on the couch, laughing. “Can’t help what?!”

He tangled his fingers in my hair, mumbling. “Can’t help how much I love you.”

“Jesus Christ—what happened to the Carter I know?” I grinned. “Maybe you do need to go to sleep.”

The blond snickered, pulling me down into another kiss. He shuffled as my hands explored his torso. My lips traveled from his face to his neck, and eventually, I found myself kissing anywhere his skin was showing.

“Is this what you’d been waiting for all day?”

Carter covered his face. “All week, honestly. I think this is the one day we’ve managed to stay up past eight.”

I laughed as I lifted his shirt and kissed his stomach, only for him to push my head back and roll away.

“Don’t do that—it tickles!”

I leaned back in as he tried to kick me off. “Yeah, but your laugh is cute!”

Carter wrapped his legs around my waist and in one quick swoop, pulled himself up so he was back in my lap.

“Wow. Dork’s got skills.”

“Piss off.” He flicked my ear. “Let’s watch a movie or something. You’re right—the night is still young.”

“Alright, what do you have in mind?”

The blond shrugged. “Eh, I’m fine with anything.”

Carter used me as a pillow as I began to sift through movies, but I enjoyed having him as a blanket since he constantly radiated heat. Between his temperature and how prickly his beard felt through my shirt, I was set for the rest of the night. 

I found an old romcom from the nineties, but we weren’t even halfway in when I heard Carter’s quiet snores. When the credits rolled about an hour later, I flicked off the TV and played with his golden curls.

After slowly removing myself from under him, I scooped him off the couch and carried him to his room. I rarely carried him, but I always enjoyed having him in my arms, especially when I could stare at him without him turning red and hiding his face. 

He looked so peaceful.

I sat on the edge of the pecked him on the lips, watching as he stirred a little.

“I love you,” He mumbled, his eyes still closed.

I grinned and kissed him again. “I love you more.”

With that, the boy smiled and rolled onto his side. His quiet snores quickly resumed, and I just sat there, beaming. I watched him sleep for at least an hour before finally getting under the covers beside him. 

I never wanted to leave his side and despite the wars he battled, I’m glad he was strong enough to never leave mine.

A world without Carter was a world I didn’t want to live in.