Barcode Boy: After Hours

“We were on a break!”

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite shows.

I’d seen all of Friends more times than I could count by now. Back in the day I would stay up late just to watch it on my mom’s CRT television in her bedroom during the nights she’d work late. 

Which was a lot. 

At the time it didn’t bother me because I got the only TV in the house all to myself, meaning I could watch Nick@Nite for hours on end. Well, either until my mom came home or I passed out on her bed.

As a kid, I didn’t understand half the stuff that went on in that show. As I got older, it made a bit more sense but still, it was fiction. If you love someone enough not to break up with them, why would you take a break? If you care, why wouldn’t you just work it out?

All the chick’s thought Ross was a dick, though he was just having a depressive rebound. There was no love in it. And Rachel could’ve been clearer. Taking a break versus a breaking up? The lines are a bit fuzzy. But then you really grow up, and half the stuff you pondered about in elementary school or even in high school doesn’t matter. Life gets real.

I just didn’t wanna be like Rachel. I didn’t wanna be too vague, but at the same time so specific that it would hurt whoever was on the other side. Still, I took the risk and went with my gut.

“I think we should take a break.”

Carter stood in the middle of his apartment, dumbfounded. Just minutes before we had been joking around like we usually did, only for the atmosphere to grow thick. The entire day had been awkward, hell, the past few times when we’d been able to hang out, it was just weird. And it was all my fault too.

It was about time that I spoke up.

“C-Come again?” He muttered.

I scratched the back of my neck as an uncomfortable silence filled the room.

“Do you mean like...a breakup, breakup? Or just... ‘I’m gonna back off for a few weeks’ or something...” The blond muttered, fiddling with his N64 shirt that I’d gotten him for his birthday last year.

I’d rehearsed this so many times but now that it was actually happening, all my preparation went out the window. Stay calm, I kept reminding myself. Don’t flip a table, don’t turn anything into glass, don’t have a mental breakdown—just tell him the truth.

I figured that I had already drained myself of all the liquid in my body from all the tears that were shed when I practiced talking to my dorm walls so I could speak like a normal person. Then again, being dehydrated never helped breakups, I’m sure.

I gripped my pants. “I just...have too much on my plate right now. And I can’t deal with,” I waved my hands around. “This.” I was barely a minute in, and I was already running out of words.

Carter took a step towards me. “What? Dude, if I’m being a burden or too needy or something you can just tell me! Don’t scare me!” He forced a laugh, but quickly froze when I didn’t return the expression.

“No, Carter—you’re perfectly fine!” I started tearing up, but I kept my stance. “I just have a ton of stuff going on right now and I can’t handle it—I can’t handle anything! I can barely even handle myself!” 

I smiled at the floor. “Like, when was the last time you saw me with a five o’clock shadow?” I joked and rubbed my chin.

“I just feel...trapped.” I whispered, my voice cracking a bit. “Like I can’t breathe—like I’m fucking drowning, and I don’t wanna drag you down with me! You’re the one person I know I can keep safe by just...pushing you to the side for a bit.”

“Jean—” He began.

“No!” I interrupted. “I’m just trying to be the better person. I’m giving you a head’s up before it all goes to hell, and you get trapped under all my emotional debris. I’m letting you get out ahead of time and run free!”

The blond tensed up. “But why don’t I get to choose whether or not to go down with you? You’re giving me a heads-up, so the rest should be my choice, right?” He asked frantically.

I pinched my temples and began pacing the floor. “No! Your life is smooth sailing, and I don’t wanna screw that up!”

“But we’re a package deal!” He shouted with hope in his voice, but panic in his eyes. When I didn’t respond, he ran over and grabbed my arms, stopping me in my tracks.

“What the hell’s even going on with you? You haven’t told me anything in ages!” Then he chuckled. “You’ve already been distancing yourself from me, right?”

“Well, I wasn’t trying to! I always wanna drive over here or invite you over but then I get flooded with reminders of all the work I need to do, and supposedly better ways I could be spending my time, and then all I do is get stressed and burned out and deteriorate in my dorm!”

Carter combed his fingers through my hair. “Jean, you can always call me! Call me and talk to me about anything! I may not have good advice, but I can at least listen...” The boy gazed at the floor. “You’re not supposed to be hiding anymore. This is like senior year all over again...” He whimpered and when we locked eyes again, his face was full of tears.

“That’s why I’m telling you ahead of time! I’m going down but I’m going to fix it! I’m gonna figure it all out—I just don’t want it to be your burden.” I attempted to explain while pushing his hands down.

“I love you so fuckin’ much Carter, believe me, I do! I just...we’re on different paths.” No matter how much I pushed him away, the blond would pull me back in and the more he touched me, the more I fell apart.

“You’re from a nice, stable family with tons of money and you’re a fuckin’ genius with thousands of opportunities waiting for you! You’re at an Ivy League school for heaven’s sake and you’ve gotten so many scholarships and have been interning everywhere!” I sniffled. “Hell, you even graduated high school.”

“Jean...” Carter muttered.

“And what am I, huh? Even not in comparison to you, I’m a high school dropout and an ex-convict with a broke single mom, a younger brother, a deadbeat dad, and very few relatives that provide minimal sources of income.” I wiped my face. “It’s gonna take me a really long time to get to where you are, okay? And I don’t wanna hold you back.”

“B-But you’ve always said that I keep you going! And the same goes for me!”

“Yeah, but we shouldn’t rely on each other like that! We shouldn’t be draining each other!” I exclaimed.

Carter began to sob. “If you felt like I was draining you, why didn’t you say something sooner?!”

“No, that’s not what I—!” I grabbed my head. “I just!” I looked at him with the most pitiful expression slapped across my face. I didn’t know what to do.

Carter had the bottom of his shirt bunched in his fists as he cried like a toddler. He looked just like he did when we were younger, and I never wanted to be the one to cause that expression.

“I’m sorry.” I muttered. “You can survive without me, at least for a little.”

“How long?!”

“I don’t know!” I shouted at the floor. “But you have Aaron and Blair and your nerdy classmates and several friends across campus, hell, you have two parents that you can go to for anything! You don’t need me!”

Carter scoffed. “Oh, really? I can’t wait to see my dad’s reaction when I come home sobbing over my ex-boyfriend Jean that he’s known for ages!”

“Well, it’s not my fuckin’ fault that you haven’t come out yet!”

“Well, some help would be nice!”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ve tried to help countless times and every time, you wuss out! There’s only but so much I can do, okay? I just—I can’t breathe anymore!”

The blond wiped his face. “A-Am I suffocating you...?” Carter asked hesitantly.

“No,” I laughed at the floor in between my hiccups. “If anything, you’re my damn inhaler.” 

I held my face. “I’m suffocating myself. My jacked mental health and overcomplicated emotions, and inability to find a healthy way to deal with my problems are suffocating me. But I’m gonna fix it!”

I took a deep breath, placing my hands on his face as if I still wasn’t bawling my eyes out. “I just don’t wanna mess up what we have when trying to deal with my own shit. I’m a mess and my messiness overflows onto other people, and out of everyone it could affect, I don’t want it to hurt you.”

Carter’s entire face was red from crying, and he looked pissed. Pissed and hurt. He crossed his arms over his chest, tightening his body as he faced the floor.

“It already hurts,” He whispered. “You trying to save us right now feels like you’re tearing everything we have to shreds.”

“I’m not trying to do that, Carter! I’m not leaving forever, okay?”

He quickly loosened up, only to aggressively shove me. “You already said that! So how long’s it gonna be huh?” He cried harder. “Another two years like when you were arrested? Three? Four?! Am I gonna have to wait a decade to see you again, huh Jean?”

He rushed towards me, grabbing my wrists. “You’re my best friend you fuckin’ idiot! You haven’t even told me what’s going on! When you came over, I didn’t think we’d be doing this!”

The blond fell into my chest.

“I thought we’d get something to eat and ride my motorcycle or see a movie, or get drunk or high and have stupid drunk sex like frat boys.” He laughed to himself. “Is that all over now? I can’t bring myself to do any of that with anyone else, okay? You belong behind me on my motorcycle, you belong next to me in that bed—no one else could ever fill that space!”

I wrapped my arms around him, digging my face into his neck.

“You don’t have to replace me, Carter. I mean, you can if you want.” I sniffled. “Boyfriend or not, you’ll always be my best friend. I just need some breathing room for right now. I don’t wanna drag you down when you have your own life to focus on.”

I kissed his ear and he started crying again.

“I can at least promise you that it won’t take a year, okay? And I know that’s still a vague time range and you don’t have to wait for me...but if you did, I would really appreciate it.”

“What about when I graduate?”

I scoffed. “I already missed seeing you in your cap and gown for high school. I refuse to miss another milestone, dating or not.”

As Carter leaned back, I pressed my lips against his for a little, the both of us still crying and frankly, too out of breath to keep going.

“Would you get mad at me if I showed up at your dorm just to kiss you?”

I chuckled with my nose pressed to his. “Probably not.”

“Do you...wanna take your clothes back? A lot of your stuff is here.”

I smiled. “Hell no—I’m gonna come back,” I chuckled. “And we know you want me to keep my shit here.”

The blond returned the expression and kissed me again. “Yeah.” 

He ran his hands down my back. “What exactly is going on though?”

“I dunno,” I tensed up. “College is…hard when your family’s fucking insane and you have no money.”

Carter stayed quiet, clearly waiting for more information. I laughed nervously and backed away.

“No one’s really been too pleased with how close I’ve been getting with Roger since he’s my dad’s friend but also my mom’s brother. And some of her family is funding my tuition, as well as Roger, but my mom’s having job issues again and she’s too stubborn to ask for help.”

I combed my fingers through my hair. “And I’m worried about how Lloyd’s taking all of this since he’s literally in the middle, but I’m getting involved to help myself because what the fuck am I supposed to do if I drop out of college too? I don’t want this to be a pattern. Not to mention...rumors are going around that my dad’s back in Pennsylvania and everyone’s losing their shit.”

The blond’s eyes widened. “No fucking way.”

“Hell if I know,” I forced a laugh. “And my mom’s side is trying to get us to move to Italy since that’s where she’s from. They keep saying everything’s easier in Europe and that there’s too many bad memories here in the states for anything good to ever happen, which, y’know, is really depressing to spread.”

“Jesus Christ dude...” Carter muttered.

“Yeah, exactly,” I rubbed the back of my neck while avoiding his eyes. “It’s a lot, but I’ll figure it out. And I promise I won’t leave you in the States all alone.”

He smiled a bit.

“I’d kill to visit sometime, but my home and my life is here. I’m not leaving that behind, not to mention there’s no way we’d even have money for three plane tickets.” 

I waved my hands. “So long story short, it’s a financial family shitshow since that’s clearly gonna age with me.”

The blond chuckled. “Y-Yeah, wow. I just...if you need someone or something or even money, I’m here. You can even have me as your last resort.”

We smiled but I could tell he was holding back tears. He walked over and kissed me again, this time tongue in my mouth, hands up my shirt—everything.

I pushed back, laughing a little as I tried to catch my breath. “God damn, dude.”

He laughed with gaze locked on the floor. “I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry—just go before I start crying again. Seriously.”

I made my way to the door but as I touched the doorknob, Carter grabbed my sleeve.

“Actually, wait.”

I smirked. “God you’re cute. C’mon,” I teased, attempting to shake him off but he barely moved.

“I just—I love you. Like a lot. And I hope you’ll be okay, and I really, really love you Jean, honestly. You’re fucking awesome and it’s gonna suck to have an empty space following me around.”

“God, now you’re gonna make me cry again.” I chuckled. “I love you too, Carter. Please hang in there.”

I tried to move out the door, but the blond tightened his grip on my arm. His head was lowered, but I heard the quiet sobs. He stumbled over his words, and I couldn’t make out any of his mumbles. I felt so guilty. I was trying to do the right thing, but I felt like a jerk.

“P-Please don’t go,” He managed to get out, his voice cracking like it would when we were kids.

The realization made me cringe. I really was ruining everything we had built up, huh? I mean, even temporarily breaking it off felt bad. People don’t break off friendships and that was half of what we were.

“Just stay the night, just one more time, please...” He sobbed quietly.

“Carter, I can’t. The more we drag this out, the more it’ll hurt.” I muttered.

“I know that!” He cried. “Whatever, just go! Go before someone comes downstairs and sees me clinging to your leg like a toddler!”

“Carter!”

The sound of Carter’s sobs took over the room and echoed into the hallway. I was trying to stay strong but looking like the better person would just make him feel worse. The only person who deserved to feel bad was me.

I cleared my throat and kicked the door back with my foot.

“I can spare an hour.” I admitted, red faced. It was the least I could do. Not to mention, I’d never been able to say no to him. Who knew how long I’d be gone for? I’d kill to touch him one last time.

“A-Are you serious?” He began to wipe his face.

I threw my jacket onto the floor, smirking. “Duh.”

In an instant I scooped him up and plopped him onto his bed. We were there for hours. I didn’t keep track and neither did he, but when I woke up the sun was already piercing the horizon and we were engulfed in the orange rays.

I climbed over Carter who lay sprawled out on the bed, curls disheveled more than usual. I found my clothes in my groggy state and stared at the blond, caressing the soft hairs on his back. In the way he was positioned, the sheets just barely covered his bare waist.

I continued to rub his back, listening to his snores.

“Hey,” I began softly, leaning down to kiss his ear.

“Mm.”

I kissed him once more. “I’m about to head out.”

He peeked his eyes open and sighed. “M’kay.” He rolled onto his back, revealing all the marks I had left across his torso.

“Thanks for staying a little longer,” He yawned, eyes still partly closed. “Love you.”

I pecked his lips. “Love you too—I’m glad you put the idea in my head. I haven’t been able to think straight for ages.”

“Well, no shit. You just fucked my brains out. No way in hell that was straight.”

I snorted. “Shut the hell up—you know what I mean.”

“I know, I’m just playing. I’m cracking jokes to distract myself from crying again.”

I sighed, combing my fingers through his hair. “Geez.”

“Am I allowed to call you?”

“Of course,” I stood up. “It’s not like I hate you or anything.”

He chuckled. “Just let me know if I’m being too nosy.”

I leaned down and kissed him one last time. “Sure thing.”

I made my way to the door as Carter pulled up the sheets before rolling back over. He was smiling, but I knew what was behind that grin. It was in his eyes.

“See you on the flipside, blondie.”

Minutes later, I was on the road. I drove in the fast lane—no radio, no CD, no nothing. Just my thoughts. I probably could’ve made a better decision, but just existing was overwhelming enough right now.

I was on the highway for an hour and once in Chesterbrook, I drove straight past my house. I took the scenic route to my high school. I pulled off to an old side road and got out as I got a chill from the crisp spring air. The area was terribly lit, but I still knew exactly where I was.

We were about two weeks into freshman year at the time. We had spent most of our time after school searching for our own hang out spot that every other high schooler seemed to have, especially the seniors. However, we wanted one to ourselves that we could look back on after graduation and reminisce about.

A block over from the school, the neighborhood was dead. We had found a shanty brick wall surrounded by weeds and ivy, but to us it was perfect.

That Thursday afternoon we sat on the ledge, overlooking the passing cars while stuffing our faces with McDonald’s. Carter had continuously harassed me for only ever eating chicken nuggets, so for once I got a sandwich with the twenty dollars the blond had found under the gym bleachers hours prior.

Halfway through my sandwich, I hopped off the wall, almost knocking over my skateboard as I squatted down in the weeds with Carter peering over me.

“Hey, we should tag this,” I said to him, gesturing towards the bricks. I whipped out a can of white spray paint, beginning to shake it.

“What? Since when you carry aerosol?”

I chuckled as he hopped down beside me. “Since today. My uncle’s been giving me a collection so I might as well use ‘em.”

“Wait, what if people track you down?” Carter asked frantically as I stared spraying my name onto the wall.

I scoffed. “No one’s gonna know. You’re the only one who calls by my first name anyway.”

I handed him my can, chuckling as he badly drew a dick under my message, ‘Jean was here.’ He gazed at his work before adding ’so was I’ and handing it back to me.

I snickered. “You’re a criminal now.”

He shoved me lightly, his ears red. “Shut up.”

We stared and admired our masterpiece as a moped whizzed by in the distance, covering up the music playing from my phone for a few seconds. Carter continued drinking his root beer, pulling at some of the weeds. I smiled to myself and then shook the can once more, leaning towards the bricks again.

Towards the other end of the wall, I spray painted a giant ’J’ and next to it a ’C’ for our initials.

“Why carve your name in a tree when you can deface public property. It’s way cooler,” I sneered, causing Carter to laugh some more.

I stared at the letters.

It had only been a few weeks since we had ‘broken up,’ and stopped whatever we had going on during the summer. It hadn’t been long enough to ignore though. Suddenly saying that you’re gonna stop acting on your emotions doesn’t mean they no longer exist.

In between our initials I drew a heart, almost instantly regretting it as I saw Carter’s red face.

“Y’know! As friends!” I oddly clarified. Jean and Carter didn’t have to be a weird, soppy, soap opera love. It could just be friends. Bros. Homies. That’s what was normal, anyway.

“I-I can get rid of it if you think it’s weird!” I blurted, but before I could paint over the heart, Carter grabbed the can.

“N-No! I like it!” He awkwardly painted some tiny hearts around the tag, but it was cute. “Seriously!”

I took the can back. “Are you sure? I mean, people don’t usually write initials together with their ex.”

The blond fiddled with his shorts. “What? We’re not exes.”

“Huh?” I started pulling off my letterman’s jacket as I began to overheat. “But we were dating...and now we’re not. That’s the definition of exes.”

Carter looked away, scratching his head. “Didn’t we agree that we weren’t dating?” He hastily drank some more of his soda. “I don’t know—I don’t know anything. I just...ex has a bad ring to it.”

He leaned into me. “Exes often hate each other and shit. Someone cheated, someone kept secrets, people got into fights—we didn’t have any of that so it’s hard to think of you like that.”

“Ah, yeah I guess I get that.”

There was an awkward silence. I glared at the fly that kept circling my sandwich that sat above us on the ledge.

“I wish things didn’t have to be complicated...” He muttered.

“Well, it’s not like we have to tell anyone else. That’s literally the main thing. It’s just us. Our thing. Our business.”

The blond chuckled. “Yeah. I guess I just can’t stop thinking about it.” He muttered softly, playing with the grass.

“Huh?”

He waved his hands, turning his back so he was leaning against the wall, facing me. “No, I just mean... School just started! Do you know how many people I’ve seen holding hands and flirting and kissing in the fuckin’ stairways?”

I started laughing. “I know right! It’s so gross! I mean, most people are older than us, sure, but suddenly people from last year have chicks clinging to them and it’s...”

“Icky.” Carter finished for me.

We smiled at each other.

“We don’t have the right to say that.” The blond began, laughing some more. “We were doing the exact same thing for like three months straight.”

I nudged him. “Yeah, but not in front of other people!”

“Okay, true! We at least had the decency to get a room.”

I chuckled, looking around at the surrounding area. I mean, technically the outdoors were one giant room. As Carter zoned out, I laughed at myself. What was I even thinking in the first place? We agreed to go back to being friends. To how we were before. Back when we were normal. When everything was normal.

I stared at Carter. He stared back.

“What?”

I leaned on my knee. “Huh? Oh, nothing.”

“Your food’s probably getting cold.” The blond began. “I mean, I know you never even microwave your food half the time, but I figured I’d point that out.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

We looked at each other again. We had come to this stupid wall so many times before but today it was unbearably awkward. We had no homework to do, only my lone skateboard and some white spray paint. Oh, and also some half-eaten McDonald’s.

“One more time.” I blurted as Carter gave me a confused look. “Just once! Y’know, for good measure. A good luck charm, some might even say. To go with our tag!”

The blond continued to stare at me, completely lost. He stood up for a second to place his cup on the ledge. “What are you talking about?”

I scoffed, fiddling with my jacket sleeves. “Don’t make me fuckin’ say it, you dork.”

Carter chuckled uncomfortably to fill the silence, his eyes tracing me, the scenery, and then the wall. And then he realized what I was getting at and slowly stopped laughing as his face turned red.

“You can say no! Er—just, forget it!” I began to get up. “It was just a stupid phase anyway. We’re past that. We’re high schoolers now! Soon enough we’ll have hot girlfriends and all the stupid shit we did as kids will seem like a really long time ago.”

I placed my hands on my hips, about to climb back onto the ledge until Carter grabbed my arm and pulled me back down into the grass.

“Wait, what? Dude, you know I’m a fuckin’ idiot!” He snickered. “W-What are you—what do you want?”

I waved my hand. “Nah, never mind! I’m not gonna say it!”

“Well at least give me a clue! You wanna play charades or something?”

I smiled at him. “God, you’re such a fuckin’ dork sometimes, y’know?”

He scrunched up his body. “I-I know. I’m sorry. I’m trying to fix it before some senior finds me and throws me in a trash can during homecoming. I’ve got like a month to rebrand myself.”

“Don’t. I like how you are.” I leaned into him. “Dorkiness is one of your many deeming qualities,” I beamed. “I love it.”

“C-C’mon, you’re just saying that. I don’t wanna burden you by having you be my bodyguard for yet another year of school.”

I grinned. “I wouldn’t mind. It’d just give me another excuse to hang with you. And depending on my bodyguarding abilities, I could even put it on a college application!”

Carter snorted. “Yeah right!”

“You never know.”

I watched as the blond laughed, his nose turning pink.

“Stop staring at me, weirdo.” He huffed, still laughing.

I placed my hand on his leg and just as he grew distracted, I placed my thumb under his chin and kissed him for a split second before frantically backing up.

It was barely a kiss, to be honest. My lips barely brushed against his, but he still turned red in an instant. I couldn’t help it. It was an impulse. His smile was so damn cute, and my mind got sidetracked.

“I—!” I blurted loudly, only to immediately switch to a whisper. “I wanted to kiss you. That’s what I was talking about earlier I-I just felt dumb admitting it. I feel like a girl.”

“Uh.” Carter fiddled with his hoodie with his eyes locked on me. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

Neither of us moved.

“Well, technically I already just kissed you so—”

The tomato faced boy rolled his eyes. “Oh, to hell with that. That was barely a kiss and you know it,” He muttered.

I snickered at his response and leaned in once more, pressing my lips to his. I combed my fingers through his short blond curls as he placed his trembling, yet soft hand against my chest. He tasted like root beer which wasn’t a drink I was necessarily a fan of, but with him I liked it.

After a few more seconds, we pulled away, smiling like idiots. He tripped over his words, meanwhile I couldn’t even find any.

What a terrible idea that was.

I felt like I’d fallen in love with him all over again. And right when we were supposed to be broken up at that. Or whatever term worked for two guys who spent every summer day at each other’s houses, in each other’s laps, and frankly, in each other’s mouths until they decided:

‘Hey, so that was a fun experiment, but we shouldn’t keep this going. It’ll make high school weird. Phases aren’t meant to stick.’

My eyes traced Carter’s body.

“And...that’s why we’re complicated,” I muttered under my breath.

“Yeah.”

I pulled my hands out of his hair, dragging one down the side of his face. Our voices were replaced with the wind and sounds of cars whizzing past us. There must’ve been a creek nearby too because every time we were here, I heard water and I thought I was going crazy. We’d yet to follow the sound, however.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get a girlfriend that kisses better than you.”

I turned red. “W-What?!” I laughed. “That’s weird, I highly doubt that!”

Carter shrugged, climbing back up onto the wall. I followed.

“Eh, I don’t know. You’re good at your craft.”

I snickered, as we eventually switched topics and finished our cold McDonald’s. Carter, however, still sat there with his face as red as when I kissed him. It was adorable and though my heart was still pounding, I was handling it a bit better.

At first, I thought it was a bad idea to mark our spot with such a weird memory, but it never stopped us from coming by afterschool. It never made it uncomfortable either. If anything, it made the spot better.

It made it ours.

But now I sat on our ledge, alone. Nearly a decade later. The bricks became ninety percent ivy and weeds, and the grass grew so high that it was almost like sitting in a cornfield. Yet, after kicking back a few of the sticks and shrubs, it’s visible.

The spray paint faded over the years but still...

J ♥ C

It was still surrounded by a ton of other hearts we drew.

The neighboring area was abandoned, more than it was back in high school. Boarded up houses, broken down cars, telephone poles impaled with thousands of staples from old flyers. It surely won’t be long until they tear everything down and turn it into either a park or a shopping center.

I wanted to go back in time to when everything was clean, pristine, and happy. Life, this stupid wall—simply me and Carter.

My adolescence was stressful and overwhelming, and while my feelings for Carter were a main stress factor, he was what made life worth living. Going to school with him, seeing him in the hallways and sitting with him at lunch, walking home together, living beside one another. It was easy.

He was always there. And then I fucked everything up. Things would probably be better now if I hadn’t ruined everything when we were only seventeen—so who’s to say I’m not gonna mess up again? My life was only relatively stable when Carter was around, and he didn’t deserve to be dragged down with me.

I slid off the wall and into the tall grass, gripping my legs so hard that the rips in my jeans were multiplying.

Carter still had a chance.

I didn’t want to ruin him.

I couldn’t even function in a socially acceptable fashion nowadays without getting high. Even with a prescription, I wished I was normal enough to survive without drugs. Between the migraines from my eye colors and my overstated emotions, I felt like a total freakshow.

And Carter deserved someone better.

Or at least a break from this.

I sunk down into the foliage, softly crying alone in the darkness, my headache worsening with every sniffle. Despite my shortness of breath, I felt like I was getting colder and colder. By sticking my hands in my pockets in an attempt to warm them, I found a blunt I had rolled ages ago, complete with a lighter on the other side. I wonder what happened the day I was last wearing this jacket.

So, there I sat. High, alone, depressed, a block over from my high school, leaning against a core memory I had of Carter and I back when things were nicer. 

Easier. 

It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than right here, right now.

I eventually ran out of paper to keep lighting, and so with my fuzzy brain, I laid in the grass, half-asleep. It was so dark over here that I could actually see the stars.

My phone began to buzz, but I couldn’t bring myself to check it. I swore I laid there for hours. If I died here, I’d be wrapped up by the wildflowers and no one would ever find me. Then, as I closed my eyes a flash of light temporarily blinded me. I flinched, attempting to cover my face but my body felt like lead.

“The fuck’s going on?” I mumbled.

“Asher.” A gruff voice said in an annoyed tone.

“What?”

“Get out of the damn grass.” The man flashed his phone in my eyes again.

I huffed and sat up, rubbing my eyes. I threw myself back over to the wall where I saw the silhouette of an older man in front of me, a cigarette hanging out his mouth. Even with the lack of light, I could tell it was my uncle.

“What do you want?” I hissed.

“What are you doing?”

“What are you doing?” I mocked.

Roger leaned towards me. “How much pot did you smoke? You reek.”

“Yeah, and you reek of cigarettes. What’s new? Leave me alone.” I attempted to throw myself back onto the wall, but the older man grabbed my sleeve.

“Chill out, kid. I was out for a walk, and I saw your truck. This place is dead. What are you doing over here?”

“Minding my own fuckin’ business, that’s what. I can go where I want.”

Roger squeezed my wrist. “Asher don’t be an ass. I’m genuinely concerned.”

“Getting high, reminiscing, and crying.” I finally answered with a mutter, moving towards my car.

As I pulled out my keys, Roger grabbed them from me and hopped in the driver’s side. I couldn’t be bothered to fight back so I got in the passenger’s seat and stared at the dark road in front of us. My uncle turned on the interior lights and then I really could tell that he was worried. Yikes. The guy looked just as worn out as I felt.

“Don’t tell my mom please. I didn’t think anyone would find me.”

He chuckled, scratching at his beard. “C’mon, I’m not a snitch. That’s my sister—I don’t have to tell her shit,” He smirked. “And you’re a legal adult—you can do what you want. I just don’t usually find you crying in the dark. Especially outside. And high.”

I scrunched up in the seat. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours yet. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about this, especially not family. I loved Roger, but he and my mom were part of the problem.

The old man dropped his cigarette out the window before starting the car.

“Is it Carter?”

I glanced at him as he pulled off. “Where are we going?”

“I don’t know—just not here. Place gives me the creeps,” he muttered.

I quickly sat up and shoved him. “Don’t fuckin’ say that, you asshole! This place is everything!” I cried as Roger shoved me back.

“Chill the fuck out—I’m trying to drive! What’s your deal tonight? You haven’t seen your fun uncle in a while, and this is how you treat me? Aren’t you gonna ask how I’ve been? Take me dinner, maybe?” He joked.

I pulled on my seatbelt. I was suffocating again and for once, the weed wasn’t helping. I got freaked out and ashamed when other people were around me. Roger was always laidback, but I didn’t want him to know why I had it. Hell, why I needed it because of all the things that were wrong with me.

My uncle glanced at me once at a stoplight.

“Asher...”

I scrunched up tighter as if I was becoming a black hole. I was freezing. The frayed holes on my pants were turning into shards of glass at my touch and for once I couldn’t stop it. I could barely feel my fingers.

Roger pulled onto the shoulder. I jumped.

“D-Don’t pull over! Keep driving!”

“Asher.” He repeated.

He stared at me as I sunk into the seat. I watched as he got out the car and came over to my side, and I frantically scooted away as he opened the door.

“Roger!” I yelled. “Fuck off!”

The old man sighed and just stood beside me with his arms open.

“What are you doing?!”

The man just shrugged and gave me a half-smile. “Dunno.”

I stared at him, fuming, until I realized that I really had no reason to be mad at him. I was just taking my emotions out on him, and I couldn’t control it. Maybe it was a good thing I backed off from Carter.

My lip began to quiver and just as I broke into tears, I scooted over to Roger and fell into his stupid old man chest, sobbing like a baby. He rubbed my head which only made me cry harder. Roger had always been more like a friend than like family. He had the body of a fifty-year-old, but the mind of a college kid. He was immature and often obnoxious to be around, but that’s what made him fun.

And then there were times like this when I remembered he was older than me and realized he’d been around for longer, and really was more mature than he came off to be. Times when he felt like a dad when no one else was there to step up to the plate.

“Hey kid, it’ll be alright. You’ll get through this.”

I clung to his shirt. “I broke up with Carter!”

Roger froze. “You’re kidding, right?”

I pulled back with a glare, my face full of snot and tears. Roger gulped.

“I-I mean, it’s just temporary—we’re taking a break but I just,” I coughed and went to hug him again. “I wish my personal life wasn’t such a mess that I had to start setting people aside!”

“Asher...” My uncle sighed. “I’m so sorry.”

I dug my face into his overcoat. “Please help me, Roger. Please.”

“Of course, I will, kid. Let’s just take it one step at a time.”

I nodded, though it took me ages to finally let go of him. Roger drove us back to his apartment and surprisingly the guest room was still just the way I left it. I rarely came over to his place when I was having a good time, which sounds bad at first but on good days we’d go out to bars and clubs.

My laundry was scattered across the room, pillows were on the floor—it looked like a tornado ripped through here. Before I passed out on the bundle of sheets and blankets, I gave Roger an overview of my crisis, even though he was part of it.

My mom’s job was going to hell, and she was running out of money. Roger came clean about helping me with my tuition, but they’ve never gotten along so despite her situation, she’s been telling him to buzz off.

Then, we have the rest of my mom’s side shitting on Roger for the sole fact that he was friends with my dad, and then my dad’s side of the family has suddenly been revived because supposedly Ezekiel Asher is back in PA.

And, in hopes of giving us a better start and getting us away from our bad luck in the states, our relatives want us moving to Italy.

No matter what the hell my family did, I was staying here. I was staying in Pennsylvania, I needed at least some money for college from someone, I needed to make sure Lloyd was okay, and I needed my dad to go back into the void.

Part of me wanted to see him again and sock him in the nose, but I didn’t wanna get arrested again. Not to mention that would just cause more problems.

The following day, I awoke tangled in my sheets, still in my clothes from before. Before leaving the room, I found some sweatpants since my glass jeans had scraped up my legs during the night.

In the kitchen I found Roger at the stove, watching the news as he cooked breakfast. He looked refreshed, meanwhile I was still trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes. Now I felt like a middle-aged man having an existential crisis.

“Hey, you’re up. You okay?”

I sat down at the counter, shrugging before laying my head on the cold marble. “I’m alive,” I mumbled.

The older man chuckled. “Well, that’s a relief. You’re my favorite nephew—don’t tell Lloyd.”

I smiled a little and fixed my posture.

“Anyway, I’m making your favorite food! Finn cakes! From that show with that boy and his magic dog, I think?” He laughed to himself, continuing to fiddle with stuff on the stove. “I don’t know—it was ages ago.”

I looked at the pancakes. “You mean bacon pancakes?”

Roger paused. “Aren’t those Finn cakes?”

I chuckled. “Finn cakes were cupcakes that Jake made for him. Bacon pancakes were just normal pancakes Jake made...but with bacon in them.”

My uncle shrugged. “Eh, you still know what I’m trying to do!” He picked up one of the finished pancakes and showed it to me. “Finn-shaped bacon pancakes!”

He slid me a plate of a few of them, along with the syrup. I smiled at his little masterpieces that mirrored Finn’s animal hood with a wonky smile in the middle. I remember him making these for me a few times when I was little.

I mean, during the few times that my mom let him step foot in the house, I found out he was surprisingly good at making breakfast.

Roger stole one of my cakes, dipping it in my syrup as he leaned on the counter in front of me.

“So, how’re you doing?” He asked, mouth full. “You really worried me last night. I’m not used to seeing you like that.”

I swirled my fork around in the ocean of syrup on my plate. “Good, don’t get used to it. It’s not a pleasant side.”

The old man sighed. “C’mon kid, I’m the one family member you claimed to actually like talking to. It may not be pleasant, but I don’t want you to hide shit from me.”

I stuffed my face with food, refusing to respond.

“Just...what is it you need me to do? Or help with? Want me to drive you back to campus?”

I shook my head. “I can do stuff for this week online before break starts.”

Roger paused. “Wait, shit—yeah, spring break’s next week. And that’s when you decided to split from Carter? Wouldn’t you rather be spending that time with him?”

I rolled my eyes. “Duh, but this is the one ounce of free time I’ll be able to dedicate to ‘Asher Family Matters.’” 

I frowned at my plate. “And if I were with him, all I’d do is lay beside him and never get up, procrastinating my responsibilities and being a wet blanket. I’m sure he wouldn’t want that.”

There was an awkward silence as I played with the band on my ring finger. One night had passed. I wonder how he was. I keep replaying what I said to him yesterday. My brain hasn’t stopped running since the moment I left his apartment.

What if he actually does find someone else? What if I hurt him? What if he gets tired of waiting?

“So,” Roger interrupted, clearing his throat. “What’s your plan?”

“Huh?”

“Y’know.” He looked around. “What are you gonna say? What are you gonna do? Are you gonna drive back home and yell at a ton of seniors to give you money for school or what?”

I cleaned my plate. “I dunno.”

Awkward silence.

“I figured I’d start with my mom. She’s the aggressor. Refusing help from you and the others, claiming she can support me and Lloyd on her own. She won’t listen to you but maybe she’ll listen to me. Especially since she’s caused...a good number of problems in my life.” I combed my hair with my fingers. “Not that I don’t love her or anything.”

“I just...” I stood up from the counter, my hand shaking against the stool. “I wish I could do it all myself. Support myself. Break off from them. Be free.”

Roger gave me a somber look.

“I want to abandon that mess so bad—I do. But I love Mom and I love Lloyd, and I can’t just leave them to burn. I wanna give to them whatever extra money I have so Lloyd can go to college too and stuff.”

My uncle sighed, lighting a cigarette. “Don’t you remember what led up to you getting arrested?” I watched as he placed his skull shaped lighter on the marble.

“Weren’t you supposed to quit those?”

“Jean, you’re burdening yourself with other people’s issues again.” He stated harshly, ignoring me.

I tensed up.

“For the most part, you’re out of that house. You don’t have the same responsibilities there anymore. Now is the time to focus on yourself and grow up. I know it seems selfish, but you’ll only hold yourself back by trying to carry them on your shoulders as well.”

Roger began to clean up the kitchen. “Giving back is fine, yes. But you have to have something to give. If you get rid of what you have too early, you’ll never reach your goal where you have the time, energy, and resources to focus on other people to that degree.”

“You’ve always been very selfless and while that’s sweet and generous, it shouldn’t become a flaw. Focus on yourself.” He came back around the counter and placed his hand on my shoulder.

“Use this free time for you. And,” He looked at my ring. “That doesn’t mean you have to abandon your friends. You can pick and choose based on who’s helping and who’s hindering. And I think we know who fits in what categories.”

We locked eyes and I fiddled with the jewelry again.

“Patch things up with the people who are causing drama in your life, and then go back to the people who, well, make life worth living.”

The man patted my shoulder before walking off. “Just food for thought.”

Food for thought.

I wandered back to the guest room and laid down, facing the wall, phone in my hand. I stared at Carter’s contact. I took a deep breath and called him, trying not to panic as the phone rang.

Roger was right.

I loved my family but being part of it as the eldest sibling and substitute dad was too much to handle. It was too much in grade school and as a college student who’s trying to balance classes, work, and relationships, it’s too much now.

It’s a good thing Penn State’s two hours away. It stops me from visiting on the weekends all the time, only to get stressed out. I was mainly worried about Lloyd anyway, but he occasionally texts me and he’s in contact with Carter more than he is with me.

I know he’s alive, I know he’s okay, and I know he has someone to talk to.

This break was my little breather—a moment of self-care to clear my head so I don’t hurt myself or someone else, whether that be getting arrested again or straight up destroying my conscious by burying every negative thought or problem that hits me.

I heard the phone click.

“Hello?” Carter asked, sounding half asleep.

“H-Hey,” I stammered, unable to hold my phone still. I sat it down on speaker phone.

“Hey,” The blond repeated, now with a cheerier tone in his voice.

I stared at the wall as we both searched for the right words to say. I kept fiddling with my ring, so much that my finger was beginning to hurt.

“Are you—”

“Please wait for me.” I blurted, scrunching into a ball.

“What?”

“Please,” I repeated. “I know I said you didn’t have to. I know I said you could fill my space, I just... I keep thinking that maybe you’ll get tired of waiting or you’re mad at me and you’ll find someone else just to spite me, but this is hard enough as it is. I just need to know that you’ll be there at the finish line once I clean up this mess and calm down.”

There was a pause and then Carter laughed. “Dude, it’s only been a day, chill out! I’m not mad at you and c’mon, we both know you’re irreplaceable.”

He sighed. “I mean, I’m upset, yeah, but I get why you’re doing what you’re doing. I just had to sleep on it. Of course, I’ll wait for you. I don’t care how long it takes at this point. I just want you to be okay.”

Soon enough my tears had me laying in a damp spot on the bed. I was smiling, but I still didn’t feel right.

“I’ve been so worried about you for the past several weeks, Jean. I tried bringing it up, but you always said you were fine, and I didn’t want to get on your nerves.” Carter went on.

“I lied.” I whispered into the phone. “I’m not fine.”

“I know. But I want you to be, and if a break lessens your stress and will help you, then take a fucking break, man. I’ll always be here, okay?”

“Okay.” I hiccupped.

“I love you so much.” The blond said softly.

It almost felt like he was here beside me. If only I rolled over and he was sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling with open arms. However, I had to support myself.

“I love you, too.”

I continued to weep softly into the bedsheets like a little kid. Crying had always felt awful to me, degrading even. Though, I was growing to realize the release felt nice. Maybe not the headache or the stuffy nose, but just to accept that I have shitty feelings that exist. That was what made me human.

Carter stayed on the phone with me. We weren’t talking and I had no idea what he was doing on the other side, but I heard him breathing and it was comforting. I didn’t feel tense, my headache was gone, I felt at peace for once. Telling the truth was hard but it gave me the relief of finally doing something right. That, and knowing that someone loved me, despite my faults.

When I awoke several hours later, my phone was barely alive. Carter and I had fallen asleep in the call which had lasted halfway through the day. Maybe he hung up or maybe I did, but I was too tired to accurately recall anything.

The orange sunlight peeked through the blinds as I lay crooked on Roger’s guest bed. As I rolled over, I noticed he left me a plate of dinner with a terribly scribbled note.

‘I was gonna take you to dinner, but you were conked out. I got you this tho. If I’m not here when you’re up I’m probably drunk with the guys somewhere. -Rog’

After staring at the torn piece of notebook paper for a bit, I finally comprehended it, only to just roll back over and doze off.

Maybe it wasn’t the healthiest thing, but as the week before spring break continued, all I really did was sleep. Sleep, piss, and occasionally eat, only to pass back out afterward.

At first, I just stayed in the guest room, but then I would manage to sleep on the couch or at the kitchen counter. My greatest stunt was dozing off mid-smoke on the balcony. At first, Roger was concerned, yet he shrugged it off and told me if I kept sleeping in weird places, he was gonna draw on my face. If it weren’t for me refusing to go outside, that would’ve been a great threat.

Occasionally I would get some of my work done for my classes, though in my zombie state it probably wasn’t too good. Nonetheless, that stopped schoolwork from bringing me down during my break.

At the end of the week, I managed to stay up past eight and share some drinks with Roger in the living room. He tried to take me to a bar, but I refused. We sat on opposite ends of the couch, and I kept my focus on the Star Wars Marathon that had been already going on for hours.

Mid sip, my uncle tossed a pillow at my face, and I spilled some booze on my tank top.

“What the hell man?” I mumbled, wiping my mouth.

He sighed. “When the hell are you going back home?”

I frowned. “You can kick me out whenever.” I turned back to the TV, scrunching up against the armrest.

“Nah, don’t get me wrong—I enjoy your company but... It’s been a week.” The man sat his can down. “Shouldn’t you be planning to confront your immediate family?”

I stared through the TV, fiddling with my ring.

“I love you and love having you here but, y’know, I can’t really bring any chicks over when you’re here. Or even really bring the guys over because you’re just...”

“A killjoy.” I finished for him.

Roger fixed his posture and turned down the TV. “No, don’t say that. It’s just, you’re not really doing anything.” The old man smiled awkwardly at me. “At this rate, I feel like you’re gonna die before me! And I’m in my fifties!”

Roger cracked open another beer as I continued guzzling mine down just to busy myself. It was either get drunk or give my finger a rash by repeatedly twisting the metal around my finger any time I thought of Carter.

Which was a lot.

“All you do is sleep. Or pee. And occasionally you take a shower which is nice, but I’m terrified you’re just gonna fall into a coma.” Roger chucked, but there was pain behind his laugh.

“If I die, it’s been a long time coming! I kill my lungs and liver, definitely don’t exercise enough, never eat cereal with milk so my bones are prone to disintegrating by now—I could go on.”

I snickered. “Ew, you just raw dog your cheerios?”

My uncle choked mid-sip and started laughing. “Well, when you say it like that it sounds horrendous!”

“It is horrendous!” I exclaimed.

He rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t your boyfriend do the same thing?”

“Yeah,” I scoffed, “But Carter’s just a weird dude so for him that’s normal. He’s also lactose intolerant so he doesn’t choose to be a menace.”

Roger waved his hand. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. In summary, I’m worried about you. I don’t want you to die.”

I blushed, sitting my can down. “Stop worrying about me, it’s weird.”

“I always worry about you. I just don’t usually admit it.”

I looked away from him, trying to focus back on the movie, despite the low volume. However, all I could really focus on was how warm my body was. I hadn’t drunk in ages. I hadn’t really had the time or felt like it.

“We’re family,” Roger went on. “It’s my job to worry about you. Especially if I can visually tell you’re struggling.”

I sighed, wrapping myself around the pillow he threw at me earlier. “I’ll get out of your hair soon, don’t worry. I just needed to recharge for a bit.” I glanced back at him as the movie went to commercial. “I’ll be gone before the weekend’s out.”

“I’m not kicking you out, sport,” Roger said, anxious.

“I know. I’m kicking myself out. If I don’t move on with this garbage plan, I won’t move at all. I really will just rot away in your guest room.”

There was an awkward pause. Roger reached over and patted my head. “Well, whatever you do, you know I have your back.”

I nodded as he cleaned up his cans and got up.

“Well, I think I’ve had enough of these so now it’s my turn to pass out.” He chucked, but I grabbed the edge of his sweatshirt as he tried to walk past me.

“Wait.”

He awkwardly moved my hand. “I’m just going to my room. It’s late. Not to mention you should probably start fixing your sleep schedule.” Roger picked at his beard as I stared up at him.

“What? What’s the matter? You can have the rest of the beers if you want.”

When I neglected to elaborate, the old man sat back down beside me. He reeked of cigarettes and cheap beer, but after a week of freeloading, I had gotten pretty used to it. I attempted to speak up but all I really did was stumble over a ton of syllables. Roger put his arm around me and turned the TV back up.

“You don’t have to explain,” He exhaled. “I know you don’t wanna be alone.”

I chuckled. “I don’t recall you being this good at reading people,” I mumbled, still holding the pillow.

Roger scoffed. “I mean, I can read you but that’s cuz I’ve relatively known you since were a scrawny, weak, lil’ baby Jean Bean.”

I nudged him and he cackled.

“Anyway, when I go back home, are you coming with?”

He shrugged. “Hell yeah, I mean, I’m kinda a main character, aren’t I? And who doesn’t love a family reunion?”

I sighed, smiling as the alcohol hindered my focus. “Well, won’t that be fun?”

Not long after we had stopped talking, I passed out on the couch, only to wake up in the guest room once the sun had risen. I doubt that he carried me or even that I willingly walked there, but I was too drunk to clearly remember much.

The following afternoon, I packed up my small collection of clothes and electronics before finally stepping into the outdoors once again, only to spend the rest of the day in my house. Roger showed up maybe an hour after I did, and he was right—it was a family reunion.

Aside from our few relatives who never stepped foot out of Italy, it was still around fifteen people, me and Roger included, clogging up my tiny townhouse.

Despite their warm welcome towards me, the atmosphere was still thick. Lloyd was likely hiding in his room as music from the living room weakly covered the bickering of our family in a language I didn’t understand.

As if it hadn’t already gone to hell, the moment Roger showed up, the yelling increased. This was only my mom’s side of the family—the Bianchi’s—yet everyone acted as if Roger was on my dad’s side. Sure, they were best friends, but my mother practically disowned him as her older brother.

Roger was an idiot, yes, but he grew to understand how clinically insane my father was and how much he destroyed us. I felt as if he had always been on our side anyway, or at least mine.

“What the hell are you doing here?” My mom hissed at her brother as I sat my bags by the door.

He took out a cigarette only for her to smack it out of his hand. The old man rolled his eyes. “I’m Jean’s emotional support.”

“How many times have I told you to keep yourself away from my kids? God, I wish Ezekiel had taken you with him!” My mom rolled up a magazine and started beating my uncle like a dog, which led to another uproar caused by my other relatives.

“You two are two sides of the same coin!” She yanked the box of cigarettes out of his jeans. “Except you’re some wanna be college kid with your stupid ear gauges and ripped jeans!”

My grandmother moseyed over to me and began fiddling with my hair, slightly distracting me from the array of insults my mom threw at my uncle. I wiped the sweat off my hands as she criticized his attire, most of which were gifts I had gotten him.

“Well look at you!” My nana exclaimed, looking me over as if I was a project runway star. “Your hair’s gotten so long! And you’re so tall!”

The grey-haired woman grabbed the hair band off my wrist and tied it up.

“Oh, you’re so cute!” She beamed, squishing my face. “I’m sure the girls love you!”

I chuckled awkwardly as her siblings began to swarm me and I was trapped by a bunch of seniors in a corner by the stairs.

“Well sure,” Aunt Noemi chimed in. “But I’m sure he’s already seeing someone with that pretty face of his!”

The women got all giddy like grade-schoolers. “Ooo, settling down, are we?”

I scratched my neck, looking for a way out. “Well, not yet! Soon though! I’m sorta focusing on myself right now!”

I watched as my little cousin squeezed through our legs to be included. She grabbed my left hand, beaming. 

“He has a ring on his finger!” She squealed, the ear-piercing sound causing me to flinch. “You’re getting married? When are you getting married?!”

The group of ladies perked up, ignoring my previous statement.

“N-No! It’s just—I’m not—”

“Do you have a photo of the lucky lady?”

“Yeah, let us see!”

“Why haven’t we been sent an invitation?”

“Is it in the fall? Autumn weddings are beautiful!”

I pulled my hand back so they would stop touching my ring, but also just stop touching me in general. Roger was still arguing with my mom in the kitchen, and I grew to assume that all the guys were watching TV in the basement.

“No, it’s just like, a couple’s ring! It’s not an engagement ring!” I exclaimed. “I’m not getting married!”

“Well, why not?” My nana whined. “It’s about time you lock that girl of yours down!”

“What?! I’m only twenty-two!”

My cousin grabbed my hand back, distressed. “I wanted to help you plan your wedding! I learned how to make ribbon flowers in my art class at school—I could design everything!”

Roger locked eyes with me as he zoned out with my mom yelling at him. I grinned awkwardly. This isn’t what I came here for. I mean, it was to be expected but the last thing I needed was to slip up and mention I had a boyfriend.

“Hey ma! Gaia! Leave Asher alone! He’s here on business!” My uncle shouted.

“What business?” They looked at me, worried, only to return to their previous state of excitement. “Are you coming to Italy?!”

My chest tightened as I pushed through the tight crowd. “N-No, I’m just kinda here to talk to my mom. At least for right now.”

Me, Roger, and my mom stood in the corner of the dining room as the girls went back to talking amongst themselves.

“Asher, honey, I’m having a talk with your uncle right now.” She attempted to shoo me away.

“I’d say you two are yelling more than you’re talking, but whatever.”

She clicked her tongue. “Don’t be smart with me. What do you want?”

I squinted at her. “Wh. What do you mean, what do I want? I’m only here because your stubbornness is causing an uproar!”

Roger raised his eyebrows and turned away from us, smirking. “Told ya,” He muttered.

My mom grabbed him. “You wanna say something jackass? I’ll beat the shit out of you!”

He shoved her away, laughing. “Damn, you talk shit about Ezekiel but maybe Asher got his anger issues from you.”

“Roger!” I hissed as my mom smacked him upside the head.

“Get the fuck out! This has nothing to do with you, so you can leave!”

“Mom! Roger’s family, isn’t he? The only people here right now are family because family is the fucking problem!”

She whipped around and I flinched. “Watch your mouth!”

I rolled up my sleeves with an exhale. “Why do you refuse help from everyone?! You don’t live alone! Your arrogance is affecting everyone else around you! Y’know, like your kids!”

Roger rubbed his irritated face, watching as his sister stumbled over her words.

“When I was a kid, all you did was ask for help! But suddenly, you think you can do everything on your own?” I raised my arms. “The only thing that’s changed is that I spend ninety percent of my time on campus instead of at home, but I still drain your wallet!”

I gestured towards Roger. “But that’s where Roger comes in because God knows you can’t pay my college tuition alone, but he lightens that burden! And so do the other people who are happily sending me money!”

My mom glared at the old man. “I don’t want you using dirty money from the Ashers!”

I grabbed my head. “Mom, I’m an adult! Isn’t how I get money and how I use it my choice?! Not to mention,” I glanced at my uncle. “Roger isn’t an Asher! He’s a Bianchi! He’s not dad’s brother—he’s yours!”

“If you wanna hate someone, hate dad for leaving! Not his friend—not your brother who’s trying to clean up his mess or at least support the kids that you can’t handle on your own!” I added.

“I can handle you and Lloyd just fine!”

Roger pinched his temples. “Oh, really? So, let’s just ignore the fact that your son went to jail for acting out due to the stress you put on him, and the fact that if he’s stuck only using your ‘support’ to get through college, he’ll drop out before this year’s out!”

“And Jean still lives here, even if he’s on campus during the school year,” He continued. “And hell, you have two kids! What the hell are you gonna do when Lloyd graduates and wants to do something with his life, huh?”

My mom tensed up, speechless. The house was silent—even the music had been paused. My grandfather and other uncles were standing at the top of the basement steps.

Roger whispered something in Italian, and I watched as the adults grew tense. My mom grabbed her wine glass, broke it on the edge of the table, and pointed the jagged edge at her brother.

“Get the fuck out of my house.”

Roger didn’t budge.

“Fuck you.”

I snatched the weapon from my mom’s hands as she lunged toward my uncle, fusing it back together with the shards on the floor.

The other family members came to her rescue as she started wrestling with Roger on the floor, knocking over plants, lamps, glasses, and pretty much anything that wasn’t glued down. I glanced at them and then back at the wine glass, terrified at first, only to grow indifferent, push through the crowd, and park my ass on the porch steps.

I could still hear the yelling, but I attempted to block it out, taking off my sweatshirt so I could finally breathe. I pulled at my tank top, staring into space. In the corner of my eye, I saw the Hughes leaving their house, but I refused to make eye contact.

I dug through my cargo pants and found my lighter and fiddled with the blunt that I had prepared before I left the house. I expected things to go to shit, yes, especially between my mom and uncle. But for my mom to try and stab him? That’s new.

However, it was nice to not be the first one to lose their cool. I was always the hothead and for once I experienced second-hand embarrassment as opposed to first-hand for flipping a table in a fit of rage.

It was a bit funny, but it really set things in perspective. Getting what I needed was gonna take ages.

I let out a puff of smoke, head in my knees as I transformed the wine glass into various objects as if I was playing with putty. I closed my eyes for a while, taking in the ambiance of my quiet street. What a way to spend a Saturday.

“Is that pot?”

I jumped up to see Lloyd standing in front of me.

“Jesus Christ, where the hell have you been?!”

He sat beside me on the steps. “With Carter’s parents. They said I could come over to escape the noise. They just went to the grocery store so now I’m bored.”

The kid played with the chains on his plaid pants. “Anyway, if that’s weed can I have some?”

“What? No—you’re seventeen! That’s illegal!”

“Okay, and? You’re breaking the law too!”

I blew smoke in his face. “No, I’m not. It’s legal in Pennsylvania if you’re a grown-up.”

“C’mon! I’m almost eighteen! Share! Where’d you get it from?” My brother tried digging through my pockets, only to be left playing with my lighter. “Is it Roger’s?”

I sighed, staring at the passing cars. “It’s from a dispensary.”

Lloyd paused. “You have a weed card?” He took a second to comprehend what that meant. I swore he went through the five stages of grief before deciding to just be an asshole.

“Damn,” He snickered. “Well, if you got one of those then I guess you really are insane! Did you break another law to get it?”

I looked away from him and stared at my blunt. The silence hurt.

“S-Sorry,” Lloyd muttered. “That was outta pocket.”

“Yeah.” I glared at him. “It was.”

The artificial blond perked up. “I-I’m sorry, it was a joke—”

“At least I’m fucking trying,” I hissed at the sidewalk. “There’re meds for anxiety and depression and all that shit but what’s for the people who destroy relationships and objects whenever they get too mad, huh?”

I shoved the blunt in his face. “I sure as hell wish I wasn’t fuckin’ insane you asshole. Every day I wish I were normal and didn’t have to turn to this shit whenever life went to hell, which for our family is every damn day.”

I took a deep breath as Lloyd scrunched up. Maybe this shit hadn’t kicked in yet, but let’s be real—I’ve been on edge for months now. I anticipated this day of asking for what I needed and hoping that it wouldn’t go to hell.

But here we are.

Lloyd bit his nails. “I’m really sorry.”

I inhaled some more smoke.

“Um, how have you been though? Besides needing weed to cope—which is totally cool—how’s college and stuff?”

I sighed. “I’m fine. It’s fine. Fine until I run out of money to pay tuition,” I chuckled at the concrete. “How are you?”

My brother examined all the rings on his fingers. “Could be better. I kinda wish it was comfortable to be in my own house but,” He glanced at the door. “It’s like the Bianchi Bistro in there.”

I laughed. “Amen. That’s why I’m out here.” I picked up the glass crane I had made and handed it to Lloyd. “You missed Mom trying to kill Uncle Roger.”

“Like, genuinely kill him?”

“Pretty sure, yeah.”

“Yikes.”

I took another hit. “Yikes indeed.”

I could still hear the family yelling inside, but it was too muffled to tell if it was in Italian or English. Lloyd played with the glass sculpture as I relighted my blunt.

“Did mom tell you how dad might be back in town?”

I cringed. “Mhm.”

“You think he’ll stop by?”

I chuckled. “I sure hope not. I’m used to him being gone and I’d like it to stay that way.” I leaned back on the steps. “Not to mention I’d barely be home to see him anyway.”

Lloyd sighed. “I heard our finances are fucked again. Or at least that’s what I overheard Nana telling Mom.”

“Our finances have always been fucked.” I smirked. “But yeah, it’s kinda more fucked than usual since I’m a bad guy for wanting to go to college.”

I patted my brother’s oddly bleached hair. “But they better figure it out before you graduate because you deserve to have options after high school. Preferably options you can use to support yourself in the future.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Lloyd mumbled. “I’ve kinda just considered going into the military to make it all easier.” He glared at me. “And don’t tell me I’m too soft for the military!”

I laughed. “Calm down, that doesn’t sound too bad. And, well, that’s an easy way to get the hell out of here.”

“I mean, I just don’t wanna be poor. And I guess you’re in the same boat, but I think it’s you who’s desperate to leave Chesterbrook. It’s like you hate us.”

I gulped. “No, Lloyd, I don’t hate you guys. I just... I’m trying to cut out stuff that fucks with my mental health. And that’s not really you, I just don’t want a repeat of senior year. Not just because of the jail time but because of all the stress. I just wanna live by my own rules.”

“Then why’ve you come back? If home stresses you out, why are you here again?”

I rolled my eyes. “Because I love you, duh. And I need Mom to get her head out of her ass, so I don’t drop out of school again. For once I wanna finish something and I’m not gonna let anyone or anything get in my way—even money.”

“What if Dad helps with the money stuff?”

I cringed. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Y-Y’know, what if he comes back and apologizes and stuff? And even if he and mom aren’t best friends, what if he starts paying child support and we have more money?”

I snickered. “That’s cute. Ezekiel coming back to help? That’d be the start of Armageddon for sure. If anything, he’ll only show up for revenge and nothing else.”

“You don’t know that!”

“What, and you do?” I scoffed. “I spent five years with that man, trust me, he wants nothing to do with us. Sure, I was a toddler, but I wasn’t a stupid toddler. The shit he did is burned into my head and I’d like to not have to open that brain file again to add in new trauma.”

“People change, Asher!”

“Dude. Ezekiel abandoned me, you, mom, Roger, and all his other friends in PA without a trace! I doubt he’d return to the scene of the crime.”

Lloyd rolled his eyes. “What the hell do you know?”

“What do I know? I know that Ezekiel Asher set our family up for failure! I was there for it! You’ve never even met the guy!” I laughed with concern.

“Okay, well maybe I want to!”

I raised my eyebrows. “Dude, we’ve talked about this shit before! Do you really wanna see him? He hated me and left the moment Mom was pregnant with you! Why would you wanna meet him?!”

Lloyd shoved me. “I don’t know! Maybe I just wanna feel included! Maybe I just wanna feel normal and experience what it feels like to have two parents for once!”

I pinched my temples. “What are you even talking about? You want two crazy parents to jack up your life, huh? I think one is enough!”

I pointed at Carter’s house. “Not to mention, there are the Hughes who have never had a problem with babysitting you, even back-to-back for weeks on end! That’s two normal parents right there! If you didn’t like them, you wouldn’t be so willing to go over there!”

My brother balled his fists. “I go over there because it’s peaceful! The only time I really liked it was when in elementary school when Carter was there too! They’re not my family!”

I chuckled. “Yeah, but with Carter three hours away I’m sure they’d be happy to take you in. You’re low maintenance, hell, you’re even blending in with the family!” I taunted, picking at his hair.

The boy scrunched up his nose. “Shut the hell up.”

“You said you were gonna let the blond grow out ages ago, but I can tell you keep bleaching it. What? You wanna blend in with the Hughes? You wanna replace Carter?”

Lloyd shoved me again. “Shut up!”

“You wanna be Carter?” I snickered and presented some wimpy jazz hands. “The new and improved Carter Hughes?”

My brother started tearing up and I stopped. 

Shit. 

Now I was being the asshole. He never told me why he dyed his hair blond or started dressing like an e-boy. I mean the attire helped him fit in with the alt kids he wanted to hang out with, but the hair was always a shocker.

In order to cut myself off from this family, I just left. I left and went to college because I was able to. However, he can’t just run away. No one in our family is blond. We’re just a collection of brunettes and every now and then there’s a few with jet-black hair like Roger. Going blond was the easiest way for Lloyd to set himself apart.

“I want Carter.” Lloyd mumbled.

“What?”

He sighed, wiping his eyes before the tears could fall. “I want a Carter. I want someone like that. For ages I did and hell, you found him when you were ten. I’m a junior in high school. My window for that amazing childhood friend has passed and I hate it.”

He looked up at me. “And let’s be honest, Carter is the one who got you this far in the first place. He was here for every bump in the road and even if he wasn’t right next to you, knowing that he was one house over was enough to hold you down and I don’t have anyone like that.”

I sighed. He was right. Carter made it clear what would’ve happened if I never met him, but who knows where I’d be if he never moved here.

“When you were arrested and it was just me and him, I got a crush on him. Maybe it was because he was the only one around who understood me after you were gone.” Lloyd chuckled. “Maybe I still like him now.”

I caught him staring at my ring and I covered my hand. He looked back up.

“Maybe I just have a crush on the friendship you two have had for so long. I want that. If I had someone like that, maybe this family shit wouldn’t hurt so much.”

“Lloyd...”

“If both of you are away at college, I don’t really have anyone. No one at school gets me like you two do. You guys are family. Like, the good family.” He pushed his blond bangs out of his face. “Maybe I hope that dad has re-imaged himself enough to become ‘good family’ so I can have someone who gets me again.”

“There’s still Uncle Roger.”

My brother laughed harshly. “No, there’s not. He’s yours too. You have Carter and Uncle Roger and a road to a good life. Not to mention, I don’t know how to talk to him. We don’t have anything in common.”

I grabbed his hand. “Well, when my life is stable enough to handle whatever the hell mom might be doing, I’ll come visit you. And you have a permit so eventually you can visit me.” I smiled. “And eventually I’ll have a big-boy job and a stable income so that I can support myself and help you out every now and then.”

Lloyd pulled away and stood up. “No, Jean, that’s not your job. That’s what the adults are supposed to do.”

I smirked. “I am an adult.”

My brother smiled a little. “Ah. I forget that a lot.” He chuckled. “I don’t know, I guess I still see you as a kid.”

“Well, kid or not, we’ll both get through this. I’m on my way out of here and you’re next to come. It’ll work itself out.”

“And if not?”

I smirked. “And if not, you can be my pretend son until me and Carter get married and get a dog.”

Lloyd laughed. “You guys might as well already be married. You’ve known him for at least a decade now, right?”

I scratched my neck as my brother kicked at the grass. “Uh, yeah.”

“How are things with him? I haven’t texted him in a while,” He mused.

I glanced at my ring. “Everything’s good.”

Lloyd raised an eyebrow. “Why’d you hesitate?”

I turned red. “I-I don’t know.”

My brother stared at me for a while. I started twirling the metal against my skin. I tried to swallow, but my dry mouth was making it next to insane. My hands grew cold, and I knew if I didn’t stop, something was gonna turn into glass.

“We’re taking a break,” I blurted.

Lloyd froze.

“Only until this whole money mess is fixed! It’s just a big stressor right now and I don’t wanna hurt him!” I tried to explain.

“Oh my God.”

“O-Oh my God what? What’s wrong? I know it sounds crazy but it’s for the best, I promise. I’m looking forward to when I’m steady enough to get out of here and back into his arms.”

“No, just...” Lloyd looked me over. “Are you okay?”

“I mean, not really, but that’s less about breaking things off with him and more about,” I gestured towards the house. “That.”

“Is he okay?”

I shrugged. “He seems to be hanging in there. I haven’t gotten any panicked calls from him, Blair, or Aaron so I think he’s good. We’ll get back together for sure. This’ll probably only last a few weeks.”

“What if you don’t?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t say that. We’re gonna be fine, okay? And if somehow it all goes to shit then I guess you can try and hit him up.”

Lloyd turned red and I laughed. “Shush.” He walked up the steps past. “Just, uh, good luck with all of that.”

“Thanks.”

Lloyd disappeared into the house. I had probably been out here for an hour now, but I had no desire to go back in there and referee a bunch of angry Italians. I wanted to have Roger’s back but we both knew the potential issues going in, and I can’t carry him on my shoulders too. Carrying myself is already enough.

After sitting alone for a bit longer, my phone buzzed, and with my head only ever really thinking about Carter, I answered in an instant, only for it to be my roommate.

“Damn, the phone barely rang once! Were you anticipating my call or something?” Chai beamed into the phone, sounding like he had six cups of coffee like usual.

I chuckled. “Nah, I was just zoned out and wanted the ringing to stop. Anyway, what’s up?”

“Well,” I heard the kid eating something over the mic. “I hadn’t seen you in a week and you told me what was up so I’m just checking on you! Are you alive? Are your relatives alive? What’s going on? Are you good?” He went on.

I laughed. “Things are...messy, but I’m fine. Pretty sure my uncle almost died from a stabbing brought on by his own sister but hey, we can’t all be winners.

Chai snorted. “What?! Dude, your family is batshit crazy—I’m glad you didn’t get the short end of the stick!”

I leaned on my phone as my butt cramped from sitting on the concrete for too long. “Yeah, I guess!”

“Anyway,” my friend continued, making a ruckus as he moved around wherever he was. “I know you’re probably busy but do you wanna hang?”

“I mean, it would be nice, but I don’t have the time to come back to campus.”

“Nah dude! I’m already at home! I’m only in Harrisburg! It might take me an hour to get to where you are, but I’m bored as hell just sitting on my ass here.” I heard him knock something down. “Shit. Eh, whatever—but we can get something to eat or just chill, I don’t know!”

I took my hair down and placed the band on my wrist. “Nah, you don’t have to come all the way over here. I’d feel bad.”

“It’s no sweat off my bones! And I’m sure you wouldn’t mind finding an excuse to get away from that family of yours! Honestly, it was my parent’s idea!” Chai continued. “I tell them all about you and today they were like ‘doesn’t that Asher boy live near us? Go keep him in check. He weird,’” My roommate joked, imitating his dad.

Chai suddenly switched to rambling about his parents and home life, only to quickly start talking about silverware somehow. I zoned out for a while. Normally I loved listening to that twenty-year-old ramble, but I was tired. We typically talked for hours, but this time I needed a distraction.

“I’m gonna swing by, okay? And I’m bringing those snacks I mentioned my mom making too!” Chai beamed. “I’m not gonna let you spend your spring break cooped up by those crazy Italians!”

I chuckled.

“Wait, is that offensive? I hope that’s not offensive. Whatever, you’re white so who cares.”

The two of us laughed. “Fair point.”

“Kay well, I’ll see you in about an hour! Text me where you’re at!”

“Uh, sure thing.”

Chai hung up and I laid on the porch, squinting at the sky for a good few minutes before regaining enough energy to enter the house once more. No one really acknowledged my return since they were still yelling. Just as I entered the kitchen, Lloyd appeared out of nowhere, grabbed my wrist, and pulled me back out of the house.

“Dude, what are you doing?” I jerked my arm back as he raced down the sidewalk. He grabbed my arm back, pulling me.

“They called the fucking cops!”

“What?!”

My brother turned back to me. “They called the cops! I don’t know why! No one’s hurt, no one’s bleeding—but I don’t wanna be there when they come! Fuck no!”

I started sweating, wondering who called them anyway. “Are you afraid of them?”

He turned red. “No, but the last time I came in close contact with the police, they took you away!”

I cringed. If that wasn’t a good reason, I didn’t know what was. I didn’t want them to see my barcode and then suddenly decide to take me away again even though the rest of my sentence was terminated.

Lloyd and I eventually made our way to an old playground where we sat on the swings for a while. He played some death metal out of his phone as I texted Chai where I was. At least the weather was nice. My phone buzzed and I expected it to be him, but it was Roger.

‘Wya?’

‘The park down the block w Lloyd.’ I replied.

‘Good. Y’all should stay there.’

I felt bad for being allowed to leave my uncle behind, though I was also relieved to not have to return to that shit show. After half an hour, Chai showed up at the playground and after watching his terrible parking job, Lloyd and I watched as he ran over to us with bags of food.

“Asher!!!” He beamed, kicking up woodchips and almost tripping over his own feet.

We met him in the middle and moved to a picnic table. Chai gave me an enormous hug as usual and then scared the crap out of Lloyd by giving him the same treatment.

“Sick hair Little Asher.” My roomie said with a grin since his own hair was half and half. One side black and one side blond.

“Uh, thanks,” Lloyd mumbled, red-faced. Usually, the only people to touch him were me and Carter, though he seemed amused at least.

“So!” Chai began, whipping out several Tupperware containers. “My mom made so much fuckin’ food and for once it’s good and since I really like you, I’m fine with sharing.”

He handed some to Lloyd. “You can have some too! Any friend of Asher’s is a friend of mine.”

My brother laughed. “We’re related though.”

He handed us some chopsticks and beers he had stuffed into his duffle bag. “Same difference.”

Chai went on to explain every meal, however he was Thai, and I had never even eaten Thai food and thus had no clue what he was talking about, but everything both looked and smelled good and that’s all that mattered to me.

Lloyd kept giving me a look, unsure if he was allowed to drink the beer or not and it was cute. I cracked the bottle open on the edge of the table and handed it to him.

“You can have one,” I said, returning to my struggle to eat with chopsticks.

“Oh shit! I forgot you were a kid!” Chai blurted. “Well, not really. You’re almost eighteen, right? But that’s not twenty-one so...”

Lloyd shrugged, his mouth full of both beer and rice.

“It’s only us and I don’t really care. At this point, I think we both need shots.”

“Is your family really that bad?”

“They called the cops.” Lloyd chimed in with a smirk. “I mean! We don’t know what for, but something made them feel compelled to involve the authorities.”

Chai almost spat out his food. “Holy shit, guys. I’m so sorry you have to deal with all that.”

My brother and I shrugged. Our family issues had never really been this bad before, but by now we were starting to get used to it.

“Eh. It’s fine now that we’re here.” Lloyd mumbled.

“And we have company.” I smiled at Chai and his face lit up.

While distracted, a wad of food fell from his chopsticks and onto his chinos. He grabbed it with his hand and ate it in an instant and I laughed, choking a little bit. Life was never dull when Chai was around.

Since he had never talked to Lloyd in person, he focused on bombarding him with questions and though Lloyd was embarrassed, he liked the attention. And for once, the questions weren’t about school like how it is whenever we’re around our relatives. I had info dumped enough about Lloyd while on campus for him to know my brother’s interests and how to keep him hooked.

Chai looked like a surfer and a frat boy all in one, but he was somehow into everything, knew everyone, and was the nicest person on the planet.

You’d look at him and assume all he would do is play video games and beer pong, meanwhile half our room is filled with his music collection, novels, and miscellaneous crocheted items, some of which are mine since he started making me sweaters when I kept complaining about being cold.

“Do you live in Chesterbrook too?” Lloyd asked as we managed to finish all his entrees and appetizers.

Chai stuffed his containers back into his bag. “Nah, I’m from Harrisburg!”

“Wait, you drove all this way?!”

The older boy shrugged, unbuttoning part of his cactus patterned shirt. “Eh, it was only around two hours. And I was bored so.”

“That’s insane!”

“Eh, I love driving long distances. You can kick back, turn on some bangers, and just glide,” He said softly, staring into space. Then he perked up again. 

“I mean, I used to live in Pittsburgh and every summer we’d drive down to D.C. to harass my cousins.” He leaned back on the bench. “And back then I wasn’t even the one driving...”

“Wait, you lived in Pittsburgh? When?!” I asked, gnawing on my chopsticks, only for Chai to take them out my mouth and place them in his little trash bag.

“Mm, until I was maybe eight, I think?” Chai paused for a bit and then grinned. “Oh! I know why you’re puzzled! Yes, I went to school with your boyfriend!”

Lloyd laughed as I blushed.

“You see, when you first introduced me to him, I thought his name sounded familiar...or at least with that face it was like looking back in time, but I wasn’t sure why.”

I held my cheeks. “Argh, that’s so weird! I’ve known Carter for more than a decade, but you met him first!”

Lloyd snickered. “Calm your tits, he was like five probably.”

“Exactly!” Chai laughed. “All I really remember is him sitting under the elevated platform during recess and digging holes until he was yelled at.”

My brother and I snorted.

“He did it every single day and eventually our teacher gave up trying to get him to stop. That’s all I really remember. That and people calling him Dandelion Boy because he was so fair and his hair was blond kinda like the dandelion flowers, but it was fluffy like the ones you make wishes on.” Chai mused.

“Though,” he went on. “They also called him that ‘cause he was really fragile. You’d shove him over and he’d immediately cry—n-not that I did that or anything! But y’know, kids are mean.”

“Damn, no wonder he was in such a bad place when I met him. I can’t imagine dealing with that shit for five years straight.” I muttered.

“Were you ever friends?” Lloyd asked.

Chai leaned on his hand, pondering his childhood. “No, but I would let him borrow my Transformers and, on his birthday, I gave him my favorite one. I think that was second grade?”

“That’s so cute! I wonder if he remembers.”

Lloyd finished his beer. “Eh, knowing Carter’s shit childhood, he probably tried his best to block everything out.”

Chai rubbed the back of his neck. “Y-Yeah, especially since the other kids stole it, and when he tried to get it back, they teased him for crying over losing his ‘boyfriend’s’ gift. Those city kids were...something else.”

We all sat there awkwardly. I wish Carter had moved here way earlier.

“Like, I got my fair share of harassment for being Asian and shit but Carter? He literally looked like everyone else and bothered no one, yet he was more of a target than I was.” For once, Chai looked upset. It wasn’t an expression I was used to seeing on him.

“That’s fuckin’ depressing,” My brother slurred. “I think we should call Carter and say we love him. Who’s with me? I’m with me!”

Chai snickered. “That’s sweet. I’m in!”

“Lloyd, you’re drunk.”

The blond shrugged. “Yeah, and I love my brother-in-law. It needs to be said.” He stated and started calling my boyfriend.

“W-What?! Don’t call him that!” I stammered as Chai laughed at me.

Carter never picked up, so we left him one giant, obnoxiously loud voicemail. We all yelled into Lloyd’s tiny phone that we loved him, but then my brother leaned away from us with a smirk.

“Yeah! And Jean wants to marry you and kiss you a bunch, so you better get ready!” My brother screeched into the phone as I tackled him to the ground.

“Shut up, idiot! I don’t even have the money for a ring, stupid!”

“Key point here is that you want a ring though!”

I wrestled him in the grass and Chai grabbed the phone.

“And hi! It’s me! Chai! I don’t wanna marry you, cuz like girls! But I still love you though! Have a good day!” He ended the message and pulled Lloyd out from under me, effortlessly throwing the blond over his shoulder.

“Lloyd, don’t traumatize your brother.”

The kid flailed around like a fish out of water, but Chai held onto him. “I was telling the truth though! Jean said so earlier! They’re gonna get married!”

I could feel my face burning as Chai smirked at me. I glanced at my ring yet didn’t say anything.

“Yeah, but don’t stress out your brother!” He sat Lloyd down. “Let’s play tag so you’ll sweat out all the booze. We can’t take you back home like this.”

“What?! You guys are like twenty-something! That’s so unfair!”

I stood up as Chai and I crossed our arms with a smirk. “Oh? You better start running then.”

“We’ll give you twenty seconds to compensate,” Chai joked.

Lloyd took off running in an instant and that brought on an hour of us racing through playground equipment, kicking up woodchips, and failing at parkour as we confused the few families who were just trying to enjoy the good weather.

Eventually, we got bored of the terrain and started running around the neighborhood. For a while, we forgot who was ‘it’ and were just running for a while, until we realized we could use our phones as walkie-talkies to plan ambushes.

It would’ve been more fun with a larger crowd, but I was still satisfied with the three of us. When the sun set, Lloyd went back home, and Chai and I began our night on the town of barhopping. He was definitely too drunk to get himself back home, so we returned to Roger’s on autopilot, forgetting that I agreed to go back home.

I can’t remember how we got there—all I know is that we drank some more, ordered some food, tried playing Just Dance, and then passed out in the middle of the living room floor.

Roger must not have seen us when he came home since we woke up to him yelling, “What the fuck are you doing here?!”

Knowing yesterday, he probably went out for drinks too.

My vision was blurry as he peered over me and for a good thirty seconds, I mistook Chai who was half asleep across me for Carter, only because the blond side of his hair was facing me.

Part of his leg was on me as he lay sprawled out, in only some Rick and Morty boxers. It wasn’t much of a surprise since that was the most amount of clothes he wore to sleep in our dorm, but Roger was terrified. I was still partly clothed, aside from my shirt which I had as a head wrap.

“Jean!” Roger repeated.

I grabbed my head. “Ugh...too loud...”

My uncle clicked his tongue. “C’mon man,” He whined, combing his hair back. “I don’t care if you get drunk, but my place is a mess, I thought you were at home, and now there’s a naked Chinese kid on the floor!”

“He’s Thai!” I corrected sternly, still half-asleep, and aggressively hung over. My mouth tasted terrible.

“That’s beside the point!” He picked up one of the beer cans off the couch and chucked it at my head. “You can be an idiot and have a drunk rebound if you want but not in my fuckin’ apartment, you weirdo! I don’t wanna think about you fuckin’ some kid on my floor! How old is he anyway?! He looks like a high schooler!”

I covered my ears, barely comprehending any of what my uncle was rambling about. Chai was still conked out, but I could at least see that he was breathing.

“He’s only twenty-one...” I mumbled and rubbed my eyes. “Wait, do you think I had sex with him?”

The old man gestured to the half-naked Asian beside me. “No shit!”

My head hurt too much to laugh, cringe, or yell at him in return, so all I did was groan and lay back on the ground. “Can I have some water...” I mumbled.

“Get your twink to get you some water!” Roger huffed. “I can’t fuckin’ believe you, dude! After all that shit I said and all that shit you said, and how much you cried over Carter! And you go and do this!”

I stared at the old man, dumbfounded. I looked back at Chai who merely scratched his stomach in his sleep. I looked back at Roger, squinting.

“Chai is my dormmate, dude. He’s one of the straightest men I know.” I smirked. “Sure, he supports the gays, but I think he’d punch me if I tried to make a move on him, drunk or not.”

Roger pinched his temples and looked us over. “You serious?”

I managed to get myself off the floor with a groan. “Ya.”

I started collecting the beer cans and putting away the controllers. My uncle watched as I slugged around his apartment, barely conscious. I recycled the cans and dragged Chai across the floor so I could fix the crooked furniture.

“Not to mention,” I mumbled. “Chai isn’t my type. Carter’s my type.” 

I got some water and drank several glasses in one go. “I appreciate your hostility towards me cheating on my boyfriend though.”

Roger blushed.

“But I doubt it’ll ever come in handy,” I snickered and left the room.

I took a quick shower and luckily found some clothes leftover in the guest room since all my bags were at my house. Roger didn’t say anything once I came back out. He just sat on his bar stool, reassessing the conversation as I shook Chai awake.

He seemed to be having an out-of-body experience, though eventually he came to, drank some water, and got dressed. It didn’t take him long to return to his peppy self, meanwhile, I still felt like a corpse.

He ran over to my uncle and shook his hand.

“Hey, you’re Uncle Roger! I’m so sorry about making a mess and sticking around for so long! I just came to town to make sure Asher was okay! I’m sorry for any trouble I’ve caused!”

Chai aggressively shook his hand, completely panicked.

“I-It’s all good.” Roger pulled away. “That’s a nice gesture.”

Chai nodded and hugged my uncle who looked at me like ‘what the fuck,’ but I just smirked as my roommate came over and squeezed the life outta me too.

“Yesterday was really fun!” He beamed, taking the band off my wrist, and tying my hair up after fluffing it as if he was petting a dog. “Your brother’s so cute! We should all hang out again and we should invite Carter too!”

I chuckled, although now he was adding to my headache. “Yes, that would be nice.”

And then he stopped jumping around. “And I hope things get better, really, I do. I hope everything works out with him too. You guys are perfect.”

I smiled, blushing. “Thanks Chai...”

“I’m not sure if I’ll have time to drive back down here again, but I look forward to seeing you on campus.” He walked to the door.

“Me too.”

Chai waved at me with both hands and a toothy grin before shutting the door. I turned back to look at Roger.

“Is he on crack? It’s ten in the morning.”

I chuckled. “Dunno, he’s always like that. He’s the perfect friend for every occasion except hangovers.” I sighed and grabbed my head.

Despite already being washed up for the day, I collapsed onto the couch. “Don’t worry,” I mumbled. “I’ll go back home before dinner.”

Roger sighed. “Whatever, kid. If I were you, I’d never go back,” He joked.

I chuckled, too tired to respond. After I did return to my humble abode in the evening, I remembered how spoiled I was at Roger’s. Not because of the space or freedom, but solely because it was quiet.

My relatives were staying at a hotel somewhere in town, but even today half of them were here to chat it up and randomly throw in backhanded statements and compliments.

They would return to Italy at the end of the week, which was a relief because trying to talk to my mom with them around didn’t work, and it sure as hell didn’t work when Roger was there. It wasn’t even them who were the problem—instead it was my mom being a roadblock.

To no one’s surprise, spring break didn’t feel like a break. I got to a point where I spent days wandering around outside because I didn’t wanna be home. But thankfully, Roger was willing to sacrifice himself to my mother’s wrath in hopes of talking some sense into her.

I’m not sure if it worked, but I appreciated his efforts. All I had to do was get my mom to stop saying, “Everyone’s fine. We don’t need your help.” Or worse, “I can support Jean myself. No one needs to send him money,” because I’m not fine and I need money.

Towards the end of the week, I had a tough day and Roger let me crash at his place again. He was out late, but after all that had been happening, I couldn’t really fall asleep. Around one in the morning, Roger came back. I turned around on the couch as the door closed and he jumped.

“Oh shit, I didn’t think you’d still be up.”

I shrugged. “Eh.”

He awkwardly walked past the couch and dug through his fridge. I could smell that he had been out drinking, but he seemed sober. But despite that, he was exhausted as if he had been in a bar fight.

“Are you okay?”

He looked up and hesitated, only to wave his hand. “Uh, yeah.”

“You sure?”

He paused again. “Y-yeah. It’s just late. Don’t worry about it.”

I shrugged. “I mean, I’ll probably be up for the next hour so I can lend an ear.”

“Nah kid, it’s kinda heavy.” I chuckled as he came over and sat on the coffee table.

“Isn’t everything nowadays?”

He smiled a little, but he still looked drained. “Uh, so you know how everyone was freaking about your dad being back in Pennsylvania?”

I froze.

“Well, he’s here. I haven’t told your mom, I mean—I don’t really have plans to, but I thought you should know.”

“...Did you see him?”

Roger rubbed his face as he leaned on his hand. “Yeah.” 

He took a deep breath. “I had been running errands all day and decided to get a drink at this bar me and the guys used to go to back in the day, including him.”

“I’m used to seeing the other guys there, of course, but since Ezekiel’s gone or he supposedly was, I didn’t even consider running into him there.” He sighed. “And then I realized he was sitting right next to me at the bar.”

My leg started bouncing on the floor.

“And, well, we started talking. And we caught up and I yelled at him for at least the first hour because how could I not? That son of a bitch…” Roger mumbled.

“A-And I don’t know if it was a good idea or not, but I told him what was going on. I mean, I think I just wanted him to feel bad for the whole mess he created but…then I just started talking about you a ton cuz I like talking about you and, I don’t know.”

My uncle pulled an envelope out of his jacket. “It’s just old man stuff and old friend junk and I won’t go into detail, but before he left the bar, he gave me this and told me to give it to you. I have no clue what’s in it and I guess he must’ve written it that night, or at least had the idea of writing or sending something. Maybe my presence set it off.”

I examined it. My name was addressed on the front in some handwriting which I could only assume was my dad’s, especially since I hadn’t seen it since I was five.

“I don’t forgive him for a single fuckin’ thing he did,” Roger said, glaring at the floor. “Not to me, not to you, not to my sister or Lloyd or my friends—none of it. It’s just that when I started talking about you...he seemed to care a little bit.”

“Like,” he went on. “All the time I’ve known him he’s never given a shit about anything. Kinda a selfish dick with no empathy. But I swear to God, disregarding the fact that I hadn’t seen him in ages, when I talked about you, he looked like he felt bad.”

I chuckled in disbelief. “Wow.”

“Yeah, I don’t even know. I’m just shaken up and my brain’s running at a hundred miles per hour and…man. How can your best friend leave you for almost twenty years and suddenly make an appearance with no apology and just joke about everything? God, I was so close to breaking a bottle over his head.”

I looked at the envelope.

“But the moral of the story is he’s here and he had that for you. He told me he was here because someone owed him money, and he may or not leave PA with blood on his hands but that’s not my business and frankly, I don’t care. He was always gambling and betting on shit, and I doubt he’s grown out of it.”

Roger got up. “But I need to lay down. You don’t have to open that now or ever, but I’ve fulfilled my messenger duties so have at it.”

My uncle left the room, but I kept staring at the envelope. I felt like I was living in a fever dream. For once, my hands were sweaty, and I was shaking, and with every second my headache was growing. Who knew what colors my eyes were swirling between. I had no idea what I was feeling.

All I could do was panic.

As if I had taken a blow to the gut and got the air punched out of me.

I had my instances of peak anxiety over the past two weeks for clear reasons, but I hadn’t felt like this since I lived in the same house as him. I felt like the moment I opened the paper, he’d show up at the door somehow. Nonetheless, in one unsteady swoop, I tore open the envelope and pulled out a sheet of paper.

I unfolded it and before long, my hands were so sweaty that I just had to place it on my lap so I didn’t soak the paper.

“Hey kid,” It said at the top in his handwriting which was beginning to feel more and more familiar with each word. I didn’t like it.

“Sorry for the sudden letter, as well as the weird tone for I’m not much of a writer, but I felt weird sending money with no message haha. Frankly, I’m happy to see that you’ve made it this far despite the undercurrent of problems I’ve caused throughout your life. I heard you’re at Penn State majoring in kinesiology. Not really sure what that is, but good for you.” He drew a weird smiley face.

“Roger informed me about the mess that’s been going on back at home, and I don’t really have the right to say this, but I think you’d benefit from getting the hell out of there. Hopefully, this’ll help. I mean, I intended for it to keep you grounded with college tuition, but you can use it for whatever–even drugs. I just hope it helps with something somewhere.”

“I know I haven’t done much when you’ve been alive aside from causing drama, but you’re on a road to something great and I don’t want your relation to me to fuck that up. I’m not trying to cause drama or come where I’m not welcome. I know I’m an outsider and at this rate, it’s probably better if it stays that way, but I know you’ll do great things, kid. I hope to see your name up in lights one day.”

And then, written bigger than the paragraphs:

“Love you, Ezekiel.”

At the bottom of the page, he placed a check for $100,000, and a phone number with a note that said, “If you ever need more dough.”

I was too stunned to cry. Too stunned to move. Too stunned to even breathe. I just kept staring at the numbers and then back up at the letters and then back down at the numbers again. I cleared my throat and started rereading the letter out loud. I read it at least five times and after the last time, I started crying.

Part of me felt happy, relieved even, but then I also felt sick to my stomach, and I had the urge to punch something. Despite Lloyd’s words, I never thought that if my mom wouldn’t come around, my dad would. Because my dad never did.

After all those years of nothing, he shows up out of nowhere and helps me.

I placed the letter on the couch, curled up in a ball, and stayed there all night.

I didn’t sleep a single second.

That night I heard everything—the random times my uncle got up throughout the night, the ice machine rumbling every now and then, even the wind outside. It felt like my senses were on overdrive.

Roger got up so many times that I didn’t realize when he got up for real, despite the sun illuminating the room. I planned to act asleep but at this point that was a no-go. I turned around to see him digging through the fridge in some beat-up Futurama pajamas pants.

“Jean, can you at least sleep in your room if you stay the night?” He mumbled, face still in the appliance. “After that week of finding you in miscellaneous places, I’m a bit worn out.”

Roger looked up as he placed something on the counter. It was only some glass container, but the clink seemed to echo throughout my entire head.

“Earth to Asher.”

“Okay,” I mumbled, trying not to flinch as he opened it and got more things out of the cabinets. He kept looking back at me, but I never met his gaze.

“Hey, are you good?”

I gulped and forced myself off the couch, trying to play off my sleep deprivation, but walking felt weird. I nodded in response, although Roger ran over to catch me before I fell.

“Are you hungover?” He asked, sounding a bit annoyed.

I shook my head. Honestly, I wasn’t even that tired. It’s more that my brain was too exhausted to tell my body how to act right.

“Well, I’m just gonna stand here and hold you until you tell me what’s going on.” He sighed, “And also because I don’t want you to fall.”

I stared at the lines on his undershirt. When I stared for too long, they got wavy.

“Jean.” Roger said sternly.

“My dad sent me a hundred grand,” I mumbled.

“Ezekiel did what?!”

All I did was point at the letter that was still on the couch. Roger ran over and skimmed it, quickly seeing the check at the bottom. He was as stunned as I was.

“I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to feel either—I couldn’t fall asleep.”

My uncle stared at the paper, speechless, rereading it like I did countless times already.

“I-I feel like I should give it to my mom. She’s the one who needs it.”

Roger looked up. “What?! Okay, I get how your dad’s neglected everyone, but your money need is time-sensitive! What did I tell you about trying to pour from an empty glass? And after previous events, knowing your mom, she’ll probably get pissed off and not even use it! She’s in a mood and won’t even take money from her side of the family so why would she take money from her ex-husband?” He added in.

“But now I have money I can give away!” I exclaimed anxiously.

“Jean Asher don’t make me smack you. Be fuckin’ greedy for once. You can pay your family back once you make the most of that cash and get back on your feet.” He commanded. “Once you use that check for books and room and board and food plans, you’re not gonna have much leftover. This’ll just make the next two semesters less stressful and give you a chance to save some more money.”

He handed me the note. “That money has your name on it. Ignore the fact that it’s from an insane old man who fucked up your life. Just take it and run with it.”

“Should I tell my mom?”

“...No.” He said softly. “She’ll only get mad and try and take it from you like she’s trying to do with the money everyone else has offered to send you.”

“Ezekiel...said that I could call him if I needed more money. Do you think I should really do that?”

“If it comes to it, yeah,” He mumbled. “Clearly, he cares at least a little. I bet all he was gonna do was send the check but after last night, I guess he felt compelled to write something—I don’t know. I’ve never been able to understand what goes through his head.”

I stared at the writing once more. “I just can’t believe he loves me,” I whispered, smiling a little. “I kinda don’t believe it.”

“Yeah...”

Roger patted my shoulder. “I think you should go back to campus.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve done all you can do here with your family, not to mention it’s about time you get back anyway. I’ll keep working on it for you. Lloyd and I will try and talk some sense into your mom since I have too much free time.” He chuckled. “And if she never comes around...at least you have your dad.”

I nodded.

I never thought I’d be paying for college with my dad’s money. I never thought I’d have his money for anything and while this was shocking, after listening to Roger, I finally felt the relief and wasn’t overcome by anything else.

I was gonna be okay. I could return to campus, continue my classes, and keeping working, and save my money. I had time to flesh out a solid plan.

The next afternoon I went back home, grabbed my things, and got on the road. I tried calling Carter, but he didn’t respond so I just left him a message. Frankly, I wanted to surprise him with the news when the time came around, so I only told him that things were going well and that I’d be back on my feet soon.

The only issue was that my relatives were still causing an uproar. Alas, I had no way to negotiate. I didn’t want anything weighing on my mind, but it insane to think everything would go right in that short time frame. It was like herding cats, but thankfully Roger was my spy on the inside for the time being.

Chai was excited to see me back in the dorm and I gave him the rundown of all that happened. Even though I’d barely known him for a year, I didn’t mind telling him everything. Back in the first semester, I had told him about my childhood and the shit during high school, including dating Carter and getting arrested. I always strayed from telling people why I had a barcode on my neck, but I didn’t mind telling him.

Chai was always open, as well as a good listener. It felt nice to have a close friend when both my family and my boyfriend were more than an hour away. It made college feel a little less foreign.

As I returned to my classes, I also returned to the skate shop near our campus. Every mall had the same one, so I applied to the one closer to my college after centering my careers around the proximity to Carter’s apartment during the summer.

As usual, both my customers and coworkers were stoked to see me again and for once, life was starting to feel a little better. Family tensions were still tight, but I was getting somewhere, or at least making enough progress that I wouldn’t get stuck in a rut.

All the time that had passed felt like a year meanwhile it was barely a month. But once I got on a roll, everything would be okay and then I could see Carter again. That’s the main factor that’s keeping me going—eeing him again once I’m in a state where I can really appreciate him.

I stood behind the repair counter, reorganizing tools and occasionally restocking when I didn’t have immediate customers. Now that the weather was getting warm, we were slowly but surely having more business and seeing more familiar faces.

I watched Dallas crack jokes with the customers as she often did. The man she was chumming it up with didn’t appear to be our default demographic of high schoolers and college kids. Then again, maybe it was just the beard.

 The redhead she talked to eventually moved in my direction, but despite how his complexion seemed bizarre for his hair color, the first thing I noticed was the barcode on the right side of his neck.

On instinct, I covered mine.

At first, I thought maybe he had dyed his hair, but then I noticed that every hair on his body from what I could tell was the same auburn shade. Eyelashes, eyebrows, beard—everything. Thanks to his abundance of freckles, it felt like I had met my doppelganger; tattoo and all. Even his arms were inked. 

“Hey so, that chick in the skirt told me you’re the main man for repairs?” He began and showed me his board with a big grin.

“Yep, that’s my department! How can I help?”

He went to hand me his board and I realized I would have to move my hand off my neck to grab it. Though, he seemed to notice my hesitation and sat it on the counter instead.

“Well, to say the least, this board’s been through a ton of shit. I considered getting a new one, but it’s my favorite.” The man said, adjusting his glasses.

My eyes drifted from his face to his ears which were impaled in various areas. I counted at least ten piercings in total.

“I had plans to repair it!” He laughed at himself. “But I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, and I don’t have the time to watch ten tutorial videos, fuck something up, and wind up purchasing a new board. So, that’s where you come in!”

I scratched my neck, took a deep breath, and grabbed the board. “Damn, alright. How long have you even had this?”

“Maybe since late high school?” He coughed quietly. “I’m almost thirty now.”

I raised my eyebrows with a grin.

“I know, I don’t really look it, eh?”

“Not at all! Good for you, dude!” I flipped his board over and examined the shaky wheels and rusted trucks.

“So uh, what’s your budget for all this?” I asked, nervous that this would take way more elbow grease than just adding some new grip tape.

“Don’t have one,” The ginger said proudly. “I just need my lucky board to stop fucking me over. And soon. No rush though, I know you’re probably busy.”

“Nah, it’s all good!” I started collecting tools and disassembling his board. “Everyone’s been crowding Dallas today. I haven’t had much to do.”

The guy laughed.

“Anyway, what...exactly are you in a rush for?”

He lit up. “Oh! So, the tattoo parlor I work at hosts a skateboarding competition every now and then. I’m trying to get enough practice in and fix my board so I can participate!” 

He scratched his beard with a sigh. “I usually just spectate...”

“Wait, you work at a tattoo parlor?! That’s awesome! That’s honestly one of my dream jobs!”

The redhead leaned on the counter, watching me work with the biggest grin on his face. “Really? Well, what are you studying? Graphic arts, maybe? I mean, I never went to college, but art experience is always good.”

“U-Uh, no. I’m majoring in kinesiology so I can be a personal trainer,” I mumbled with a blush. “I mean, I used to do a lot of graffiti which I thought could make cool tattoos, but I figured it might just be a side hustle someday.”

“Oh.”

I avoided his gaze. “A while ago I did some research about apprenticeships and whatever the hell but—I don’t know, I just didn’t have the time...” I trailed off.

I awkwardly unscrewed his trucks and wheels and put the old ones to the side. I hadn’t thought about tattooing in ages. I always considered it’d be a good way to bring in more money, especially since I’d always leaned towards more artistic outlets and there wasn’t much creativity to working out. 

And just when I’d get hype again, I’d see my reflection and realize I was setting the bar way too high. Maybe in another decade I could give it a shot.

“Don’t knock it ‘till you’ve tried it, dude,” He smiled a bit. “And I’ve had people work under me before. I wouldn’t mind bossing around a new kid,” The ginger laughed.

My blush deepened and I dropped my screwdriver. “What? No, no you don’t have to do that!” 

“Hey, it’d be no skin off my bones! You could at least get some experience!” He pointed to my exposed bicep tattoo that matched Carter’s. “And working out is ten times as cool when you’ve got more than muscles to show off!”

He stuck out his patterned arms. “They say no one watches you in the gym, but I used to love showing off my ink regardless. It’s been a while, though.”

I grinned. “You serious?”

“Damn straight.”

I looked the man over, sweating. 

The sudden uphill track I was on was scary, but I liked it. It’d take a ton of work, but I’d kill to do something artsy in the middle of all this mess and maybe as a primary career in the future. 

As the man dug in his pockets, I smiled at the counter, still fiddling with his board.

Just think.

We’d have Carter—a computer science geek with some high-paying programming job, and despite his nerdy nature, spends his free time at biker bars with his gang. And then you’d have me—a super beefy personal trainer, probably covered in tattoos who splits his time between helping people at the gym and covering people in art.

And together we’d be super-hot, super-ripped, relatively wealthy, especially when putting our incomes together, and in love. And then we could move in together and get a dog. Then again, I was never too keen on sharing Carter. He was my favorite blond after all.

My heart raced at the thought of having enough money to buy an engagement ring for him. That’s another thing I was working towards. 

I knew it was miles away, but I thought about it constantly. He’d be a college graduate in months and after a few years when I finished with my degree, I could ask him. I’d hopefully have enough money by then.

I can only imagine how beautiful his smile would be as he’d watch me get down on one knee.

He’d probably start crying and because he was crying, I would start crying too and it would take me ages to finally ask for his hand. My eyes started watering just thinking about it.

When I finally looked up, the ginger seemed confused.

“You good?” He asked, smirking.

I could only imagine how red my face was. “What? Oh, yeah! I’m cool!”

He kept staring at me. “Were your eyes always pink...?”

I gulped, forgetting that happened too. I’m sure they were grey earlier. I wonder how many people noticed them changing mid-conversation and never said anything. I rubbed my neck, covering the tattoo once more. 

“Um, yes?” I glanced around the room.

He chuckled. “Alright. Cool.” He handed me a business card. “Anyway, if you’re really interested in the apprenticeship thing, you should hit me up on Instagram! I’m Window Payne Inks!”

I examined the card. “Windowpane?”

“It’s just a play on my name, cuz, well I’m Payne.”

“Oh shit, that’s kinda clever! I’m Asher!” I beamed, forgetting that I had a nametag pinned to my chest. “It’s nice to meet you!”

Payne shook my hand, and I noticed some tattoos he had on his fingers as well. He was a walking work of art.

“Same to you! Anyway, hit me up whenever and show me some of your designs! The studio’s not too far from here and we can make a plan so you can get started as soon as possible.”

I placed his business card in my back pocket and continued working on his skateboard. “Sounds good! Are you flexible with school schedules and stuff? I kinda have a ton of stuff going on...”

“Yeah sure, no stress! We don’t have to figure it all out now either!”

I nodded, expecting him to leave the shop to let me work as most customers did, but he just kept talking to me. After spending so much time with my insane family, this was the perfect breather. I got to ramble as he asked me countless questions and I enjoyed the positive attention. 

I was desperate to ask about the barcode as he explained a few of his tattoos, but I held my tongue. It wasn’t even on the same side of his neck. It could have a completely different story to it than simply breaking the law.

But ever since my arrest, I had never seen a single soul with the same barcode placement.

I managed to get a bit of back story from him—he was from California—but he was even reluctant to tell me that. He reiterated his lack of a college education and claimed to have gone straight into tattooing. 

Frankly, I didn’t understand why he moved all the way to Pennsylvania. Wanting to see the east coast is fine, but out of all the options, why here? You go one mile out of the city and there’s farmland until the next state line. 

Payne kept me company until I finished all my work on his board, and he didn’t seem phased by the price either. He even tipped me fifty bucks and purchased some other trinkets. 

God, to be him. He clearly had his life together and I was envious, but thankful for the opportunity to work with him.

Later that week he let me shadow him. I could tell from his choice of words that he usually took more time to recruit artists, but I was so enthusiastic and frankly wouldn’t shut the hell up, so he just rushed the process.

His coworkers were pleased to have another young face around and so were the customers I was meeting. I hadn’t even been there for more than a few days and it already felt like a home away from home. Music I heard before, art plastered across the walls, a variety of coworkers covered in various patterns and colors—it was amazing. I didn’t even care that I hadn’t begun doing anything yet. I just loved watching them.

It reminded me of when Carter and I finally went to get our matching tattoos.

I remember he and I rambling for ten minutes about whether or not to hold hands while getting them done since he has a low pain tolerance and was terrified. He tried to back out so many times or at least convince us to get something smaller, but I didn’t want something small. I wanted something with the girth of all we’d been through and the love we had for each other, platonic or romantic.

In the end, he was happy he didn’t settle for something smaller. For the longest time when he was at home, I would catch him staring at his bicep in the mirror. It was adorable and sometimes I still catch him doing it.

I mean, now I felt as if it would be great to get a job creating art for others, that for me and my boyfriend, brought us even closer. Back in high school, I thought tattooing would be cool, but now I really had a reason. Sure, it hurts, but beauty is pain, and art is awesome.

By the time I was even allowed to hold a needle, it had been more than a month since I’d seen Carter. I hadn’t even talked to him since spring break, and now it was late April. I would often text him updates or check in, but we started to fall out.

I was paranoid until I realized that he was likely stressed about the end of semester projects and future exams, especially as a STEM major. It was equally as hard to get ahold of Blair and Aaron, but the break gave me time to click with people on my own campus, and even off-campus like Payne.

I began spending more time with my roommate, Chai, whose chaos was endearing.. I had no problem meeting and befriending new people, but in the same way Carter had Aaron, I had Chai. He was on his way to becoming one of my best friends.

He already knew my entire life story, but he was also a good voice of reason. Now that my dad had chimed in, my head was clearer. I still spent most of my time working since now I was adding tattooing into the mix, but for once I felt like I was working because I wanted to and not only because I needed money.

As my stability returned, I slowly worked up enough courage to text that number on the bottom of the letter.

‘Hey, it’s Jean. Thank you.’

I couldn’t really muster up anything else.

‘No problem,’ My dad responded a few hours later. ‘Good luck out there.’

I couldn’t believe that Lloyd was kind of right—Ezekiel came back around and not to cause drama. Maybe all that time apart did him good and he was improving. Part of me wanted to see him or at least have him meet Lloyd, but I still couldn’t trust him fully.

‘Are you still in PA?’ 

I had to ask.

‘Barely. I’m at Phili International. Flying out tonight.’ 

He sent me a photo of a thumbs up with airport seats and luggage in the background. 

Why?’

‘Idk. I kinda wanted to thank you in person.’ 

Frankly, I just wanted to see him, even though I was unsure of if I wanted to hug him or punch him.

‘Ah. Don’t worry about it.’

‘Where are you flying to?’

He took a while to respond. I continued studying as Chai played Apex at his desk, but when my phone finally went off, I frantically retrieved it.

‘West coast.’

‘Is it Cali? Or Washington?’

‘You ask a lot of questions.’

I scoffed at my phone.

‘Where have you been? Do you live over there?’

‘Not really. I roam.’ There was a break in the messages. ‘Ttyl kid. We’re boarding.’

I frowned at my phone. I doubt he would ever disclose any information about himself, hell he didn’t even tell Roger anything. I had no chance. I just wanted to try.

‘Love you.’

I placed my phone back down, but then he actually responded.

‘Love you too :)’

“Are you texting Carter or something?” Chai asked suddenly. “You’re acting all weird on the floor over there.”

I snickered. “Shut up, and no. Don’t worry about it.”

Part of me wished I had been talking to Carter though. 

Roger was on top of my familial affairs and since those issues were less of a roadblock, I had time to freak out about other shit. I planned to hit him up once I had gotten back into the swing of things, but neither of us reached out. I probably looked fine from the outside, but internally I was still panicky. 

Midterms had already happened, but Carter’s workload was always a lot. And now, I kept having to remind myself that he was about to graduate. I was just starting, and he was on his way out.

I’m sure any stress from past semesters was doubled this spring, but even before we took a break, he was fine. I never knew how he did it. Now I was more worried about him than I was about myself.

One Friday evening, I dragged myself around the parlor while cleaning up and closing for the day. Even though Payne was there, I was still in my own little world.

“Hey Asher, you can go home. I can close up.”

I swept the floor, zoned out.

“Dude.”

I looked up. “What? Oh.”

The ginger walked over to me and took the broom. “You...look like you could use a break. Is everything alright?”

I hesitated while grabbing my things. “Eh.”

“You wanna talk?”

I put on my backpack as Payne finished up the chores and flicked the lights off while we moved towards the door. All I did was shrug once we moved out onto the sidewalk.

He placed his hand on my shoulder. “Hey, I’m seriously all ears. You’re quite a peppy guy. It feels like I’m living in a paradox when you’re all down like this.”

I chuckled.

“You wanna come over for drinks?”

It was Friday and I had no other responsibilities for the time being, so I nodded, and we drove to his apartment.

It was bigger than it looked and reminded me of Roger’s place, organization-wise. He just had more art on the walls and papers scattered everywhere. I took off my shoes and sat awkwardly on the end of the couch as Payne handed me a case of beers. We drank for a while in silence before he turned to me, readjusting his T-Shirt.

“So?”

“So…what?” I looked at him stupidly. “Oh. Oh yeah.” I scratched my neck and covered the barcode. Every time he looked at me for too long or stood too close to me, I hid it on impulse.

“What’s going on?”

I chuckled. “It’s dumb, really. You didn’t need to invite me all way over here for my bullshit.”

“Asher, just tell me. I’m not gonna tease you or something. I’m not an asshole,” He explained and took another sip of his beer. Each can we finished, we would crush into a pancake and stack on the coffee table.

“I just miss my boyfriend a ton,” I said under my breath.

“Wait, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend! Good for you!”

I chuckled and pulled up my sleeve. “Yeah, that’s why I have this tattoo. We got matching ones about a year ago. It was a promise we had made back in high school.”

“That’s really sweet. Is he out of state or something?”

I fixed my shirt. “No, uh, we’re on a break. I’ve been going through a ton of shit, and I didn’t want to drag him into it so...we temporarily broke it off and I just feel really bad.”

“Why? You’re trying to do the right thing.”

I crushed my can and opened another. “I know, I’m just worried about him because we haven’t talked in a while.”

“How long have you two been dating for?”

I shrugged. “Maybe two years now? I’m not sure, but we’ve been best friends for more than a decade.”

Payne laughed. “Then, I think you need to calm down. So, you two are on a break, but you’re still friends, and friends have periods of low communication too. It doesn’t mean all those years you’ve had together are gonna become irrelevant. He’ll eventually come around and so will you, right?”

I nodded.

“Don’t stress yourself out, dude.”

I rubbed my face and took a deep breath. It was easier said than done. Still, I needed to stay on track, and I couldn’t get distracted worrying about him when he was probably fine. All that would do is slow stuff down.

Payne gave me a reassuring smile and I chuckled nervously, drinking some more beer as I covered my neck again.

“Why do you do that?”

“I don’t know, I often laugh to fill awkward silence.”

The ginger snickered. “No, not that.” He pulled my hand away. “That. You cover your tattoo.”

I turned red. “A-Ah, yeah. Uh, I don’t know.”

I went to hide it again, but Payne pushed my hand back down.

“Is it...what I think it is?”

I tensed up, my body growing colder with each second. What was I supposed to say? If I told him the truth, there’s a chance he’d wanna stop working with me. Not to mention, I didn’t wanna unload all my business onto him.

My eyes moved to Payne’s barcode.

“No.” I finally responded.

The older man looked me over which only freaked me out more.

“What did you do?”

“D-Dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I stammered, downing half of my beer in one sip.

He sighed and sat his can down. “Would you tell me the truth if I told you I was arrested when I was eighteen?”

I raised my eyebrows, almost dropping my drink. Payne laughed.

“Vehicular manslaughter. Sentenced to three years in prison and one under sedatives while getting tested on. I made a run for it after I was discharged from the hospital though.”

“W-Wow, I didn’t think... I didn’t ever think I’d meet someone else who experienced the same thing.”

Payne smiled. “Me neither. When I first saw you at the skate shop, I noticed the tattoo. I wanted to ask you but...that’s not just something you can really ask someone.” He chuckled. “And imagine how awkward it would’ve been if that wasn’t the reason you had it.”

“Yeah. I was sentenced to ten years under sedatives for assault and battery when I was eighteen. It was a hot mess a-and I didn’t mean to, but I had so much shit going on in high school,” I explained.

“Ten years?! I killed a girl, and you got more time than me?”

I shrugged. “Dunno.”

The ginger scratched his beard. “Ten years, huh? And you’re what? Twenty-something? Did you break out?”

I blushed. “Uh, my boyfriend bailed me out. The facility I was in was bombed and he came to my rescue.”

Payne was stunned. “Wait. So, you were part of the second wave.”

“Wave?”

“I was part of the first one. It only lasted from 2000 to 2010 and people were only forced to get sedated for one year. You were part of the second one in 2015 cuz that bombing led to the end of it all when the investigations and lawsuits started,” He explained.

“Wait, so does that mean I actually have a chance of finding more people with barcodes?!”

Payne shrugged. “I doubt it. A lot of the people from my wave have been dropping like flies out of nowhere, in prison, out of prison—everywhere. And the majority of people from your wave were killed in that explosion.”

“O-Oh,” I mumbled, rubbing my neck. I figured the more people I met like this, the less crazy I would feel.

“Um,” I grabbed one of the folded beer cans. “Can you do this?” I asked and transformed it into a glass cup.

“Holy shit.” Payne blurted, quickly grabbing the dish and examining it. “No, but I can do this.”

The man stuck his arm out and started rearranging his tattoos. Some of them straight up vanished as if he was cleaning marker off his skin. It was almost like watching a movie.

“Can you just—make tattoos and shit?! Whenever you want?!”

He snickered. “Yeah kinda. I can also do this,” He said and moved all the freckles off his face.

I touched his cheek and he moved some to where my finger was. It was almost like drawing on an Etch a Sketch board, although he was controlling the marks.

“Wait, why don’t you just keep your face clear all the time?”

He shrugged. “I dunno, I was born with all these and I kinda like them.”

“So, you can move more than tattoos?”

“Yeah, I can pretty much move any mark on my body, I think. Tattoos, birthmarks, moles, freckles. I mean,” He started adding his tattoos back to his arm. “I can remove them too.”

“That’s way cooler than turning stuff into glass!” I yelled and he laughed. “All I end up doing is mistakenly ruining objects. That and my eyes are practically mood rings, and it makes it impossible to hide anything.”

Payne slapped his knee. “I fuckin’ knew it! Usually, your eyes are grey but sometimes I say stuff and I swear they change in response! That’s so fuckin’ cool!”

I snickered. “Not really, especially since my eyes were a pretty hazel beforehand. So, I have that along with an abnormally low body temperature which goes with the whole glass thing since I can only make stuff when my hands are cold.”

“Geez, and you were only tested on for about two years, right?”

I chuckled. “Yeah, any longer and I’d probably be dead, especially since the feds wanted to kill us off or something.”

“Exactly, and I’m fucked up just from one year. I wonder if other people in my wave experienced the same thing but...most of them are dead somewhere in Cali so,” Payne shrugged. “Y’know.”

He watched as I took the crushed beer cans and made some glass sculptures out of them.

“Well, you weren’t bombed so why the hell are half the people in your wave dead?”

Payne smirked and leaned back on the couch. “Well, do I have a story for you?” 

He snickered. “So, in wave two they were straight-up killing inmates by drugging them for their entire sentence, which was never less than five years. For my wave, they only drugged us for a year. It wasn’t until they started the investigations in 2019 that I learned they were just shortening our life spans. Difference is, it was highly concentrated.”

“Oh my God.”

“So, no wonder I can’t find anyone from the first wave. Me and my fellow inmates were supposed to die by the time we were in our thirties.”

I tensed up. “W-Wait, aren’t you thirty though?!”

“Twenty-nine actually. I turn thirty in August.”

“What?!”

Payne laughed and covered my mouth. “Stop screaming, you dork. I’m not scared, and you shouldn’t worry about me either.”

“Why aren’t you scared?”

He shrugged. “After all I’ve been through, the idea of death became a minor worry of mine.”

“All you’ve been through?”

Payne smiled. “Yeah... I mean, you knew how it felt—to be arrested right out of high school. I didn’t mean to hit the girl, but I was terrified and frankly so terrified that I just kept driving. I swear I couldn’t take my foot off the pedal.”

The ginger examined one of my glass sculptures.

“I ended up in Mexico. I thought I had successfully fled the cops, but I was arrested a few days later. That didn’t stop me though.” He laughed to himself. “After I was drugged, I made a run for it while they transferred me to the state prison. I never looked back and now I’m here.”

“Holy shit, you fled all the way here?”

He shrugged. “Pretty much, yeah. I spent a lot of time acting like some immigrant kid by speaking either Spanish, French, or Portuguese so people would take me in and give me money. It worked for a while until I got here and finally figured out how to support myself.”

“God, that’s a lot, dude.”

Payne shrugged again. “Yeah, but it gave some spice to my life, so it’s not all too bad. And hey, now I’m here and I’m relatively stable!”

We finished the remaining beers.

“And to top it off, I met someone who gets me.” He said and smiled at me.

I returned the expression before we turned our attention back to the TV. I kept fiddling with the beer cans and despite the movie on screen, I spent more time watching the patterns move on Payne’s arm.

He could manually change them but after zoning out, they’d shift. Just like my eye colors, it was impossible to hide and occurred at the most random times. Our side effects were neat, but unless the witness shared our barcode placement, they would probably be confused as hell.

Out of all the things I’d done in the past month—hanging out with Chai, going clubbing with the girls in the dorm across the quad, getting invited to chill with my new coworkers—tonight was the best day of my life because for once I was myself.

I had no problem going out and befriending new people, yet I only ever showed them my good side. The side that seemed perfect.

Sometimes I was too embarrassed to elaborate on my actual relationship with Carter, other times I was hesitant to tell others about my life before college. Typically, I was more terrified of telling people what led me here in the first place. About the stupid mistakes I made, about the emotions I refused to process—about everything that happened in my last year of high school.

I feared the reactions.

Would people leave me? Judge me? Would they turn away? Would I lose all the progress I made trying to get to this point? What about jobs? Friends? Futures? It would all fall apart, wouldn’t it?

The more I talked to Payne that night, the more I realized that he felt the same thing. Ex-convicts, no matter how long or what they were in for, never fared well once they were released. There was always a struggle, and always a sense of discomfort or displacement.

Or in my case specifically: Regret.

It’s not like I could go back in time and change anything, of course, and sure I was happy where I was now, but what if things were different? What if in twelfth grade I told Carter how I really felt—how I’d been feeling since the end of that summer when we broke up? Imagine if I had come clean to my mom or even Roger about all the stress I had been under.

Carter wouldn’t have gone into a depression. He wouldn’t have had to practically risk his life trying to bail me out for a mistake that I made. He wouldn’t have had to go through so many negative events and emotions just for me to finally tell him the truth after knowing him for a decade.

I tried not to dwell on it too much, but everything could’ve been avoided if I only knew how to speak up.

Payne understood that.

The panic and disconcerted thoughts at that age, especially after realizing the consequences that would come after what you’d done. I told myself time and time again that I wanted to protect Lloyd and stand up for my little brother, although I always cared too much for others and not enough for myself. In the end, I didn’t help anyone.

All I did was run from my problems and make a mess.

And not to say that Carter, my childhood friend and high school sweetheart, didn’t understand me or grow to realize what I had gone through, but Payne knew firsthand. There were some things I couldn’t explain that Payne understood just from awkward eye contact and timid hand gestures.

As a man and as his boyfriend, I didn’t want Carter to see me like that.

It was stupid to say because we had been through so much and he had already seen every side of me, but I could only mention so much about getting arrested to him. And sure, solely because it was a bad habit, I was burying that stuff, but with Payne I could finally talk about it.

And with him, I didn’t feel like so much of a monster.

No matter how many times Carter told me loved me for my flaws and all, I worried I would scare him off. I missed him like crazy, but I was a bit relieved he wasn’t around to see all the chaos that came with this decade’s family disaster.

Not for the week when I spent almost every day at Roger’s place either passed out or staring at the wall. Not the times of sitting in the shower, talking to myself. Not that week where I spent every day high as a kite because I couldn’t cope otherwise.

Not the days when I would reread my dad’s letter over and over again for an hour and cry my eyes out because even after having it for weeks, I still didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t even know how to feel about the texts either.

Sometimes shit happened and it all felt like an out-of-body experience.

Ezekiel Asher, the man who made my mother crazy, seemingly hated my existence and left before my brother even saw the sun, loves me.

It was heartwarming, yet terrifying. I felt like I was believing a lie.

As if studying wasn’t making me crazy enough, I was starting to fear the worst again.

When May rolled around, me and Carter still hadn’t had a proper conversation. At that point, I didn’t feel too bad about it since it was finals week, and we were both likely stressed out of our minds. I tried reaching out and planning something, but he was busy and claimed he’d get back to me. 

I wanted to get back together with him, I wanted to see him, I just wanted him so damn much. 

I wanted him but I didn’t know if he wanted me.

Still, everyone I knew told me to cool my jets. Aaron explained countless times that Carter would still ramble about me on a day-to-day basis to him, that is whenever he wasn’t cramming or staring at lines of code on his desktop. And yet, my messy Jean Asher brain kept panicking. 

Thank God I had met Payne. He was always mentioning the skating tournament and after finals, I realized it would be a good way to let off steam. While I still frequented the gym, I needed a change of pace.  

I hadn’t skated since high school, but I dusted off my old board, did some repairs, and started working my ass off. Surely, I had enough to do, but practicing was more like a hobby than work. To no one’s surprise, my mind quickly drifted to how I taught Carter to skate back in freshman year. I’d have to hold his hands as he wobbled on the board, but it was nostalgic.

When studying for finals wracked my brain too much, I fled to the skatepark, which led me to meeting even more interesting individuals.

The tournament was a week after the semester ended.

That afternoon, I threw on a white tank top and what I dubbed my skater jeans, which were filled with holes from falling in them. Chai, who apparently could do everything, sewed some multicolored patches on them which upped the style factor, or at least to me.

I grabbed one of my old flannels as well before grabbing my board and heading to the park. Almost every employee from the tattoo parlor was there, along with several clients who I recognized. It made sense since it was a fundraiser and publicity thing, but I really wasn’t expecting so many people.

I was kind of scared.

There were clans of grunge kids, middle and high school, all who looked like they’d fight you if you looked at them the wrong way. Not to mention, there were so many familiar faces from campus that I couldn’t even count, even people from my skate shop.

As I scanned the crowd, someone grabbed my arm and I jumped, only to realize it was Chai.

“Dude, I was looking for you!” He beamed and showed me a piece of poster board that said, ‘Fuck em up, Asher!’ in multicolored marker. 

“Look at this kickass sign I made for you.”

I laughed. “You didn’t have to do all that, man. I’m just doing this for fun—there’s no way in hell I’m winning.” I gestured towards the array of people practicing tricks before the event started. “Look at these people. I’m doomed.”

Chai clicked his tongue and waved for some of our friends to come over. “If you’re that worried, go and get warmed up!”

Our friends showed me the vulgar, yet inspiring signs they had made for me as well. They battled over whose was the best and we settled on Jesse’s whose was simply, ‘Win or lose, at least you have a fat ass.’

To provide context, Jesse, a straight white male, would always compliment my ass whenever I wore skinny jeans, which was almost daily. However, it’s sorta his thing so now we just roll with it.

From across the park, I saw Payne’s orange afro, but on the way over I had to push through more crowds of school friends, work friends, and tattoo friends, most of which were wearing as few clothes as possible to show off their marks.

Hell, Payne was shirtless when I finally got to him. I untied my flannel from around my waist and held it out to him, trying to stare at his face and not at his pecs. 

“You need this?”

He chuckled as I returned the shirt to its original position. “Hell no. These things never have a dress code, so I’m promptly advertising my work.”

I laughed, watching as he moved a few of his tattoos around. I had never seen him in anything less than a tank top, so it was kind of mesmerizing. He wasn’t jacked or anything, but it was cool to examine all the drawings.

“Dude, stop staring so hard, people are looking,” He muttered awkwardly with a smile as I finally focused on his face again.

“Then put a shirt on.” I joked.

He pushed me towards a ramp. “Shut up and go practice. If you wanna stare at shirtless men, I’m willing to bet you have plenty pics of Carter on your phone.”

I turned red. “F-Fuck off!”

He laughed as we joined the other skaters that glided around the park. Eventually, the spectators moved to the far side of the park when the tournament finally started.

In the end, all participants would get a T-shirt and coupon for the tattoo parlor, however, the winner would have the option to receive a free tattoo or a free custom skateboard courtesy of the shop I worked at, along with $500.

Neither the tattoo parlor nor skate shop were very big, but it was good for publicity. Second place would receive $250 and third, $100. Either way, money was money and even though I was in it for fun, getting something out of this would be nice.

Around eighty people entered the contest, and Payne and I were towards the end of the list. I sort of wanted to get it over with, especially since I grew to realize how intense the judges were, though it gave me a chance to focus on what I might need to improve.

I couldn’t do anything do crazy, but I could do a decent number of minor tricks at a high speed since each entry had to fit into five minutes and include different areas of the park. I was fine at first, but then I watched Payne.

Even while practicing he tried to act as if he didn’t know what he was doing, but he was practically a showoff, not to mention that he was way older than most of the contestants. Maybe watching all the other kids gave him some ideas.

When it was finally my turn, fell straight into the zone.

When my name was called to get on my board, I didn’t even notice until my friends in the back started cheering like lunatics. Normally it would’ve sounded like your basic screaming, but Chai can screech, and Emilio will yell like a mariachi band member. Oddly enough, the sound was comforting, even when I was up in the air or pretty much anywhere trying to concentrate.

I had never been able to do a varial flip before, but I decided to wing it and I actually pulled off multiple. Once I got in the zone, I just kept going, however just as I felt like I was doing pretty well, my time ended.

Payne was practically fangirling when I came back over to him, but all I could do was lay on the ground, exhausted. I drank a ton of water as the last few participants showed off their tricks around the park.

After my turn, I lost all focus, I swear.

Despite how much I exercised on a daily basis, I felt like I was dying, but it was primarily emotional exhaustion as opposed to physical. I was so anxious, but I did okay. I didn’t fall. I didn’t trip or at least not that I can remember.

I should’ve tied my hair back because it kept getting into my mouth, but at least it looked cool blowing in the wind.

Payne tried showing me the clips he took, though all I managed was, “Gimmie a minute,” and then I collapsed back onto the pavement, to which he laughed in response.

Eventually, they moved to the results, yet I didn’t really notice. I stared at the clouds, attempting to fold my tank top into a crop top so I could cool down. For once, I felt normal. Like as if everything had been pieced back together, or at least everything that I needed was fine.

Sure, my mom was still stubborn, but my relatives decided they’d keep sending money, now addressed to me since I was the one using it. And sure, I was all over the place about my dad, but at helped for one second of his life. It was weird and I was dying for my answers, but I was content for the time being.

As I rubbed my eyes, Payne and a couple of other coworkers of mine shook me as I laid on the ground. I eventually tuned back into the world, only for my eardrums to be attacked by a bunch of yelling.

“Dude! Get up!” Payne beamed, pulling me off the ground.

“They fuckin’ called you, Asher! Get up there!” Dallas squealed as several others pushed me in the judge’s direction.

I awkwardly ran with my board and when I got to the makeshift podium, the main judge placed a medal around my neck. I looked down at it, seeing my reflection in the silver.

Silver.

Second.

I felt my body fill with excitement. “Fuck yeah! I got second place!” I beamed and high-fived the third-place winner who stood beside me, confused at my delayed reaction, but still just as excited.

Eventually, the first-place winner came to stand beside us, and we got our photos taken with our boards, medals, and T-shirts.

Before I could even take a step, Chai and our crew swarmed me, squeezing the shit outta me and yelling non-stop. Many other groups beside us were cheering on others so I had no clue what they were saying, but that didn’t stop my excitement and laughter.

When my little posse finally loosened up, Payne ran over and gave me a bear hug.

“You got second!” He yelled.

“I got second!” I repeated.

“I didn’t even think I would place! I expected you to be the winner if anything!”

The ginger laughed. “Yeah right, even with all that practice, I was still rusty!”

“So was I! I haven’t skated since high school!”

“Yeah, but for me that was almost ten years ago!”

We laughed as more people came to congratulate me and I was eventually handed my check. It was funny because I felt as if there were more people swarming me than the other two winners, so we found them and brought them into the group too.

Chai insisted that we go out for drinks, Jesse insisted we go clubbing, and another suggested we have a cookout as if anyone had the space, money, and food to do that last minute.

As people bounced ideas around, I looked out the crowd and spotted a kid a bit off in the distance, staring at us. He wore a striped tank top and some cargo shorts, but before I could catch a glimpse of his face, he turned off to the side to talk to his friends.

I stared at him for a bit longer and started walking. His bright red beanie made no sense in the weather, but it matched his shoes at least. He and his friends waved before they walked off and then he rubbed his neck and turned away from me.

I sped up.

I had nothing to lose at this point. I was happy I placed second and was surrounded by so many of my friends, but part of me still felt empty. Roger was out of town on work, and I doubt my mom would be willing to drive Lloyd all the way up here for some measly contest.

I kept examining him as I moved in his direction but as he rubbed his arm, I saw the tattoo.

No way.

That was Carter.

As I raced towards him, he glanced back through his blocky frames and froze, staring at me wide-eyed, a grin forming as I moved closer.

I dropped my board, T-shirt, and anything I previously held in my hands to my feet before tackling him with the biggest hug I had ever given a person. I tried to hold myself together, but I clung to his shirt, taking in the scent that I missed, and began to cry. In seconds, he was crying too.

“What the fuck are you doing here?!” I sobbed into his neck while laughing.

He pulled me closer into him. “Y’know, just supporting my boyfriend.”

I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back to get a glimpse of his perfect face again.

“What?! I’m so confused! I didn’t even—” I looked back at the crowds of people behind us which were slowly thinning out. I stared at him and took his glasses off before he wiped his face.

“And since when do you wear glasses?! Were you trying to wear a disguise?” I laughed.

He grabbed them back. “N-No! I need them to see! Staring at screens for so long really fucked up my eyes,” He snickered, returning them to his face. “I got them a few weeks ago.”

I looked him up and down, my heart racing more than once I had finished skating. I rubbed his face and ran my hands up and down his body, still crying a little before I rested them on his waist.

“Just now...were you leaving?” I looked up. “When I saw you, you were walking away—w-were you not gonna say anything?”

Carter gulped. “I, uh...” He bit his lip for a second and glanced at everyone behind us. “You just...you were having so much fun with all those people—you were in your element. You already had so many people around you, I didn’t feel right barging in, you didn’t need—”

“Carter, you’re my favorite person in the whole fucking world!” I yelled, cutting him off. “You’re like...the one person who I really wanted to see, honestly.” I trailed off.

“R-Really?”

“Duh, stupid.” I lightly punched his chest. “I just, I would’ve told you, I just figured you were too busy...” I looked down at my beat-up Vans that contrasted greatly from Carter’s pristine Converse that, despite having them for years now, always looked new.

“Jean...”

“How did you even—”

“Chai told me.” He said, smiling a little. “Actually, he called me and yelled into the phone about it. He didn’t even ask if I would go, or at least recommend I stop by. Instead, he commanded that I was going to show up and then hung up.”

I snickered. “That kid, I swear.”

“I’m happy he did, though.”

I smiled.

“You looked amazing. I felt like I fell in love with you all over again.”

I felt my face heat up but was unable to avert my eyes.

“F-Fuck, that sounded really stupid, ignore that. You just, you looked cool or whatever,” He stammered, red-faced while trying to avoid my gaze.

When I didn’t say anything, he looked back.

“W-What?”

I grabbed his face and kissed him softly, sliding my hands down the side of his neck. Carter’s hand trembled against my lower back, and it just made me wanna kiss him even more. His scent and taste and feeling were just so damn overwhelming.

It’s like I was overdosing on him.

Pretty much any part of his body I could touch without having to lean down, I caressed.

His tangly, curly hair, his beard which had grown out way more since the last time I had seen him, his bright red shoulders, despite how much sunscreen he had smeared across them. I rubbed the soft hairs on his arms, slid my hands down his sides and back, and followed the curvature of his hips.

Each touch made him flinch, though he’d quickly melt back into my hands with a hum. It was like being in heaven. I forgot where we even were—that we were in a skatepark and that there were hordes of people around us, but I didn’t care.

I had Carter.

We eventually ran out of breath and leaned back, red-faced. I wiped some spit off his lip and smirked.

“So uh, how’s it going?”

He laughed. “I think I should be asking you that!”

I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Eh, I don’t know. I think it can wait,” I teased before pulling him back in and kissing him again for a few seconds.

He combed his fingers through my hair, and I got tingly, forgetting how nice it felt when he did that, or how nice it felt when he touched me in general. Eventually, we stopped and laughed again, smiling like dorks in each other’s arms. I had to get used to kissing him with glasses on, but it wasn’t that bad.

Carter leaned on my shoulder and rubbed my back. “It’s nice to see you again.” He whispered against my ear while clinging to my shirt. “I missed you so much.”

I kissed his neck. “I missed you too. Shit has been absolutely nuts.”

He chuckled, only to oddly quiet down and let go of me. “Uh, your friends are lookin’ over here.”

“Eh, let ‘em look.”

“N-No, it’s like a lot of them. They’re waving you over,” He stammered and pushed me off him, flustered.

I caught Chai jumping up and down to get my attention. I grabbed Carter’s hand.

“Well, okay. I’ll see what they want.” But Carter didn’t move as I dragged him. He pulled back while picking up my things.

“Uh, no that’s okay. You can go. I’m uh, I’ll stay back.” He rubbed his neck, avoiding my eyes.

“What? Dude, c’mon. They’re cool!”

The blond didn’t budge. “That’s way too many people for me,” He admitted after a long pause. “I came with Aaron and Blair, so I’ll just look for them in the meantime.”

“Don’t you wanna at least say hi?”

He didn’t respond and I caught him fidgeting with his ring.

“It’d be weird,” He muttered. “They don’t even know me.”

I scoffed and grabbed his hand back. We started walking toward the group.

“I mean, they know you from when I talk about you,” I said and chuckled, looking back at Carter who smiled a bit.

“You talk about me? To your crazy skateboard friends?”

I smirked. “Fuck yeah.”

Before we had even stepped foot back into the crowd, Chai charged at us and threw his arms around Carter who freaked out but still hugged him back.

“Carter! Holy shit, it’s so good to see you again man!” My roommate beamed, ruffling his curly afro and fixing his beanie afterward.

“You too!” The blond said, trying to match his energy, even though no one could ever beat Chai’s enthusiasm.

“I’m so glad you came!” He grinned, jumping up and down a little as my friends swarmed back around me. “I was worried you wouldn’t show up,” Chai chuckled awkwardly.

Carter smiled. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” He said, glancing back at me for a second.

Payne picked up Chai by his armpits and respectfully moved him to the side. Chai didn’t seem to mind and watched as several people examined Carter and hyped him up alongside me.

In the end, we were the last group of people at the skatepark. The other winners had gone their separate ways to celebrate as my friends continued to jump from topic to topic.

“So...” Chai whispered, leaning into me with a devious smirk. He raised his eyebrows and I chuckled, rolling my eyes.

“Thanks for inviting him.” I said softly.

The mismatched kid smiled. “Even if you weren’t gonna say it outright, I knew you wanted him to be here.”

I blushed, watching as Aaron and Blair joined the squad and everyone focused on Carter. He looked a bit anxious, yet there was a giant grin plastered across his face and my heart sped up every time I heard him laugh.

I had missed that sound.

When I finally took my eyes off him, Chai was smirking at me again.

“You like him,” He teased in a sing-songy tone as if he was a middle schooler.

“Shut up, Chai.” I snickered.

He continued staring at me, squinting some more. “You wanna kiss him again, don’t you?”

I turned red and shoved him. “Shut up!”

My roommate laughed and leaned back into me. “Hey, that’s not a no! I mean, you two sure were having fun over there.”

I rolled my eyes. “Did...anyone else see?”

Chai shrugged. “I dunno. I mean, I nudged Jesse and told him.”

“Why’d you tell Jesse?!” I screeched as Jesse turned around, confused.

“Tell Jesse what?” The boy asked, lifting his baseball cap a bit with a smirk.

“That Jean was kis—”

“Shut up!” I yelled and covered Chai’s mouth who laughed into my hand, trying to wrestle himself out of my grasp.

Jesse came to his friend’s rescue and while I tried to calm my nerves, they returned to their schemes. Payne walked over to me as I went back to watching everyone, basking in the moment.

“That’s him, right? The blond?”

I smiled. “Uh, yeah.”

The redhead chuckled. “Y’know, I think this is the happiest I’ve ever seen you.”

“Yeah?”

Payne looked back at Carter. “Yeah.”

Eventually, my boyfriend returned to my side as his interrogation ended. Blair practically leaped into my arms to congratulate me and Aaron, being the calmest person there, just gave me a fist bump. I smiled as the brunette kept her arms around me and Payne shushed everyone.

“Okay so, we were tryna figure out where to celebrate and there’s probably too many of us for a bar so,” The ginger began and gestured towards Dallas.

“I’m the one person here who has a house that’s also huge. It was a hand me down,” She whispered. “But all of you can come by and we’ll order pizza and whatever.”

“Oh, and on the way, it couldn’t hurt to drop by the liquor store.” Payne chimed in. “Is that cool with everyone?”

They all nodded in agreement and then he looked at me. “How’s that? You’re the star pupil, after all.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, that’s good.”

Dallas texted us her address and as we made our way to the parking lot, Payne walked beside Carter. Aaron and Blair sort of had my attention even by the time I was at my car, but I couldn’t help but eavesdrop.

“So, I’m assuming you’re Carter, right?”

The blond chuckled. “Yeah, I’m assuming Jean rambled to you about me as well.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, a shit ton. It’s like an honor finally meeting you,” Payne laughed and shook my boyfriend’s hand. “I’m Payne.”

Carter stared at him for a while. “Your tattoos look awesome.”

Payne thanked him and I watched as Carter looked him over, and then focused on his neck. I could tell he had several questions going through his head.

“A-Anyway, how...do you know Jean?”

“Oh! We work together at a tattoo parlor!”

“What?!” Carter looked around for me and once he found me, he ran over. “You work at a tattoo parlor?!” Aaron and Blair had the same reaction.

“I-I mean, kind of? It’s more like he’s teaching me.”

“That’s still amazing!” Blair squealed. “So, what exactly do you do?”

“I can tell you later,” I said, watching as a ton of cars pulled out of the lot. “We can all catch up at Dallas’ place, cuz I really need to sit down.”

“That’s fair,” Aaron chuckled before I unlocked my truck. As I turned my key, Carter hopped in the passenger seat and sat my stuff down.

“Oh, you’re riding with me?”

He blushed a bit. “Uh, yeah. Aaron drove us here but I sorta just wanna hang out with you.” He fidgeted with his seatbelt. “Is that cool?”

“Yeah, no sweat.” I smiled and leaned in to kiss his cheek. “I enjoy your company.”

Carter grinned as I pulled off and he fiddled with the radio. We didn’t say much for a while as I focused on the road. It was hard not to just stare at Carter the entire time though. He was so red from the sun, and it was adorable. He looked like a tomato, even when he wasn’t blushing.

“So uh, I didn’t know you were into tattooing.” He said and patted his lap.

I glanced over. “Oh, yeah. I mean, I always thought it’d be cool, but it was one of those careers that I thought was totally out of my league, so I never brought it up.”

“What?! You’d be great at that! You make cool abstract art—I think you’d be perfect for the job!”

I blushed as Carter cheered me on. “T-Thanks, dude. That means a lot coming from you.”

The blond smirked. “I’m sure you’ve had tons of clients swooning over you.”

I shrugged. “I mean, there’s been a few but most people are interested in staring at Payne, especially since he’s the one artist with the most tattoos there.”

He paused. “...He has a barcode.”

“Yeah.”

“Is he like you?”

I smiled. “Yeah.”

“Side effects and all?”

I chuckled. “Well, yes and no. He can move the marks on his body, so he can change his tattoos at free will, as well as scars and freckles and stuff.” 

I turned down the radio. “Turns out there’s way more history to that whole sedated incarceration thing than I knew, cuz he’s almost thirty.”

“That super cool! Wait—he’s thirty? He looks like he’s our age.”

“I know right!”

Carter fiddled with his tank top. “Well, it seems like you’ve been up to a lot.”

I awkwardly glanced at him, my cheeks burning. “Uh yeah. That and going through a lot.” 

While at a stoplight, the blond touched my arm.

“Are...you okay?”

I kept staring out the windshield. “I mean, I’m better. Way better than I was last month, and better now that you’re here too, I just...” 

I glanced over and forced a laugh. “It’s been tough and there’s some stuff I’m still processing.”

Carter turned the radio off. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

The sound of the blinker echoed in my head for what seemed like an eternity until I finally turned the corner.

“I mean, you don’t have to.” He sighed. “I feel wrong even asking that after going MIA for a while…”

“No, it’s alright. We’ve both been busy.” I nudged him. “I said I wanted space and hey, you gave me what I asked for, so thank you.”

He smiled. “I just wanna get the whole picture before we get to your friend’s house, get shitfaced, and lose all common sense.”

I laughed.

“And, well, now we’re alone too.”

“Yeah.”

Carter placed his hand on my thigh as I drove. It was nice to feel his warmth again. It was nice to look in the passenger’s seat and have someone be there, and it was nice that it was him. The moment he sat down, it was like the whole ruck was filled with his scent. 

“I just... I don’t know where to start.”

“Well, how’s your mom and stuff?”

“Oh God.”

He laughed.

“Are you sure you wanna open that can of worms?”

“Sure.”

As I drove and followed the directions on my phone, I started summarizing everything from Carter. It was supposed to be quick and to-the-point, but once I got going, I couldn’t stop. It’s not that I wanted to relive the emotions of what had happened these past two months, but I could always talk to Carter the easiest.

I gave him every gory detail—the week of apathy at Roger’s where I barely had the motivation to eat and that jump scare when my mom tried to kill him. I rambled about Lloyd and his issues and about Chai, and gave him Payne’s backstory too, even though I probably should’ve kept it to myself.

I even admitted the worries I had about him being so far away. Turns out we were both dying to talk to one another, but as the gap of silence grew bigger, the anxiety made it harder to say anything. 

Not to mention, Carter barely had an ounce of free time between work, school, and graduation preparations. He barely had any time to sleep but he passed his finals and decided to come and see me before his ceremony next week.

Frankly, it was surreal.

In just those few months, he already looked so grown up. Hell, he was grown-up. He was soon to start the next era of life, but despite my hiccups, he still made time for me.

Eventually, we turned onto Dallas’ street and parked way down the road since my friends had already taken the good spots.

“Honestly, I’m surprised you’re alive. I think I would’ve passed out from the stress,” Carter said as I turned off the engine.

I chuckled, unhooking my seatbelt so I could face him better.

“But hey, even if your mom’s still crazy, at least you’re getting money from the rich Italians.”

“Yeah, and uh, actually...” I scratched the back of my neck. “My dad...gave me a check for 100K.”

“I’m sorry, what?!”

I grabbed my phone and pulled up the photo I had taken of the letter. I handed it to Carter.

“Yeah, uh, apparently, he was in Chesterbrook for some reason. Roger bumped into him, and he passed that along to me. I think...he was just gonna send the money alone but after Roger gave him the recent rundown, he wrote me that.”

I watched the confusion and awe on Carter’s face as he scrolled.

“Holy shit. That is...wow.” He handed me my phone back.

“Yeah. Not to mention I texted him and he actually texted me back.”

“I thought he hated your guts!”

I laughed. “So did I!” I stared at the screen. “But I don’t know what to think anymore. For the longest time I just had burning hatred toward him, but that doesn’t feel right anymore. But love or acceptance doesn’t feel right either. That’s what’s really been wracking my brain...”

“I kinda…wanted to see him,” I muttered.

“Is he still in Chesterbrook?”

I shook my head. “The night I texted him was the same night he flew back to the west coast.”

“Maybe it’s for the better, y’know. You’ll get more time to think about what you really wanna say to him.”

I nodded and locked my phone.

“Y’know Jean, I’m really proud of you.”

“What?”

Carter grabbed my hand. “For pushing through all of this. For handling it all and taking initiative, even if it meant having to...limit your distractions.”

“Thanks,” I chuckled softly. “I mean, I’m still all over the place so I don’t feel too proud.”

“You talk like your miles behind everyone but you’re actively maturing and moving up in the world as we speak. New job opportunities, handling your money, holding your family accountable—that’s something to celebrate.”

I stuck my free hand into my pocket and felt the lighter. I smoked so many times in the last month that I couldn’t keep track. I hated to admit how often I had to return to the dispensary. What should’ve lasted me a month only lasted me days.

I made it through, but my coping mechanism sucked.

“C’mon, all your friends are waiting for you,” Carter said and grabbed the door handle. “You ready?”

I stared at my lap and caught the blond tilt his head in confusion.

“Hey, you good?”

I closed my eyes.

No matter how many of my problems I solved, how much I helped other people, or how many situations or conversations I was a part of that made me feel normal, I was still Jean Asher.

And Jean Asher was a mess.

It was about time I embraced it but from the inside, I felt like the last thing I needed was to be celebrated.

Carter held my face. “Hey,” He repeated softly, his thumb stroking my cheek. “Are you okay?”

“I love you,” I whispered, my eyes stinging while his body heat engulfed me.

“I love you too.”

He smiled and I gazed into those perfect teal eyes of his, anxious. He looked so happy to see me. I loved seeing that geeky smile of his. Why did I ever think giving that up would help me?

“You...look like you’re gonna cry.”

I gulped and leaned back a little. “Ah.”

“Is something wrong? What else happened?”

“It’s nothing, well, no. I mean...” I tripped over my words. “I really wish...I were a better person.”

“What are you talking about?”

“No matter what I do, nowadays when I look back at myself, I feel like a mess. I see that barcode on my neck and it sucks the life outta me sometimes I just...”

“Stop.” Carter put his hands down.

“What?”

“I hate it when you call yourself that—a mess. I hate it so fucking much.” He hissed at his lap. “You’re not a mess. You may have come from a crazy family, but there’s more to you than that.”

“No, there’s not. It’s in my blood—I can’t escape it.”

“Yes, you can!” The blond exclaimed.

“How would you know?!”

“Jean, I’ve never met anyone sweeter or more selfless than you. If you weren’t a good person, I wouldn’t be with you!”

I placed my hand on my neck. “But—”

“That tattoo doesn’t define you, okay?! You made a mistake because you’re human and that’s what humans do!” He yelled. “Hell, you were trying to do the right thing the whole time!”

“A good person can still be a mess.”

Carter scoffed. “Yeah, but you can either accept your flaws or let them control you and fuck up your life! Let’s be honest. My depression is a fuckin’ mess, okay? But I’ve accepted it. Hell, you were the one who taught me to and got me help in the first place! I’m not perfect and neither are you! No one is!”

The blond placed his hand on the side of my neck, staring at the mark. “I love your imperfections and you should too. Jean isn’t Jean without his crazy side,” He said and chuckled.

I pushed his hand down, grabbed my lighter, and placed it in his palm. 

“Yeah, well Jean isn’t a functioning member of society without smoking pot,” I hissed.

“I—” Carter looked at his hand. “What?”

“I was so ashamed…I might as well be a junkie.”

The blond stared at me. “What are you talking about—how did you even...”

“It’s for my anger issues and my stress,” I mumbled. “I got a card.”

“When?”

“A while ago.”

“Before we took a break?”

I hesitated and then nodded. And then he laughed. The atmosphere was so tense, and I was anxious as hell, yet he laughed.

“Dude, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Carter said with a grin, still chuckling. “If you’re a junkie, then I am too!”

He played with my lighter. “I’d be nowhere without my antidepressants and anxiety meds and ADHD meds! You’re acting as if you’d been smoking illegally.” 

He scratched his head. “And we’ve done that countless times, so who cares?”

I laughed a little.

“So, you’ve found something to cure your ailments.” Carter shrugged. “That’s good! That’s nothing to be ashamed of!” He pointed to my neck. “And hey, it might even prevent you from getting another one of those.”

I chuckled and rubbed the mark. “Yeah, I guess.”

“How long have you been freaking out about that for? I wish you would’ve just told me,” He added quietly and handed me my lighter back.

I fiddled with it for a bit before returning it to my pocket. “I-I don’t know. I was just scared.”

“Scared of what?” He chuckled.

I placed my head in my hands, thinking back to all the emotions and regrets that overflowed my brain during our break. Even thoughts from that first week after Carter bailed me out resurfaced. Even though I had grown by then, I still had so many problems.

“I just... I don’t know. I was convinced that my baggage and insanity would just…irk you after a while. Sure,” I gestured to Dallas’ house. “I have nice friends and coworkers but sometimes I feel so alienated.” 

I touched the barcode. “Sometimes I like this tattoo. It’s bizarre and people are fascinated by it, but I fear others recognizing why I have it.”

I glanced at Carter, whose worried expression made my heart throb. “I just... I love meeting new people and enlarging my friend group, but it’ll be a while until they really, really know me. I feel like no one does, except you. Sure, Payne may have had a similar experience, but you’ve known me for ages, and you’ve always been there.”

He smiled.

“But sometimes I worry that as time goes on, I’ll be too much to deal with,” I muttered under my breath. 

I could feel my eyes stinging again. I didn’t wanna ruin my day by breaking down after so many good things had happened. Truthfully, I didn’t want Carter to have to put up with it and try and comfort me.

“Jean...”

I gulped and unlocked the door. “N-Never mind, ignore that. Let’s just go.”

“Wait!” Carter cried, attempting to grab my hand, but I slipped out of his grasp and left the car. He ran out after me, slamming the door and racing to the sidewalk as I made my way to the porch.

“Jean!”

He grabbed my arm, and despite how much his touch felt like heaven, I pushed him off.

“It’s whatever. It’s just some intrusive thought I had at three am—it means nothing.”

Carter went and stood in front of me, grabbing me again so I’d finally stop moving.

“Dude, that means everything! Look at me!” He insisted, moving one of his hands to lift my head. “How many times do I have to tell you that I’m never gonna leave you?” He chuckled, only to start crying a little.

“You worry so much that you’re gonna hurt me, but when has that ever happened?!” He wiped his face. “Sure, we fight and argue every now and then like regular friends and couples, but you’ve never hurt me! Especially not to the degree where I’d wanna leave you...”

“But—”

He held my face. “So what? You’re a bit crazy and hyper. I like that about you. I value the traits that we don’t share, okay?”

The blond brushed some hair out of my face, looking me over. “If anything…I feared you’d be the one to leave me.” Then he laughed. “But if you do try and leave, for real, that is, I’ll hang onto your leg and never let you go.”

I chuckled as he pulled me into a hug. I rested my face on his shoulder, beginning to cry as his warmth and scent surrounded me. Carter rubbed my back as I latched onto his shirt.

“I will always, always love you Jean,” He whispered against my ear. “You’re not a mess, you’re not a monster, you’re not the walking flaw that you always think you are for some god-awful reason. And if need be, I’ll tell you that every day until I die.” He added and I chuckled a little.

I felt him loosen up in an attempt to move away, but I held him tighter.

“Please don’t let go,” I quietly sobbed into his neck.

Carter wrapped his arms around me, holding me tighter than he was before. We stayed on the sidewalk for what felt like ages. Cars drove by, and people walking dogs went around us in confusion, but we never moved.

The weather was nice and it felt so good to be held by someone again. Sure, Chai gave great hugs and was the one who’d unironically kiss his homies goodnight, if need be, but no one felt like Carter.

When I finally pulled back, the blond laughed while wiping my tears off his neck.

“What?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

“Your face is really red,” He snickered. “It’s kinda cute.”

I scrunched up my nose. “Shut the hell up.”

“Are...you okay now?”

“Somewhat,” I shrugged and took a deep breath as I sat on the curb. “But thank you.”

The blond joined me. “Of course.”

“I might need a few more minutes though,” I admitted after a short silence. “You can go in without me. I’m not holding you hostage.”

Carter leaned on my shoulder. “Nah, after a month and a half without you, I kinda wish you would. I already said it, but God, I missed you.”

The blond drew closer to me and kissed my barcode. 

“How have you been? I’ve already rambled enough,” I smiled. “Now it’s your turn.”

“I’ve been good, better now that I can look at you,” He leaned back on his hands, blushing as I gazed at him beside me. 

“Of course.”

“I’m still decompressing from this past semester, especially since it’s only been a few days since I finished all my finals.” He groaned. “I swear I’m still pumped full of caffeine from that whole week.”

“Holy shit, me too,” I laughed. “I just can’t believe you’re graduating next weekend.”

“You’re telling me!” He nudged my arm. “I’ve been at Bucknell for four goddamn years. Frankly, I don’t know how I even survived, especially for those first two,” He mumbled to himself.

“But you made it, nonetheless,” I smiled. “I’m proud of you too, you know.”

He met my gaze, and in an instant, his eyes got watery.

“T-Thanks, man.”

“You think I’ve matured a lot, but so have you. Academics didn’t always come easy to you, but you’re about to leave an Ivy League school with a bachelor’s in computer science.” I lit up. “Your hard work paid off.”

“Y-Yeah, but I couldn’t have done it without you,” He admitted softly and held my hand.

“Honestly, me too.” I sighed. “Even though we won’t be in college together, I’m glad you’re only a phone call away or an hour away if I ignore the speed limits.”

Carter snickered. “Actually, about that.”

“About me speeding?”

“Nah,” He smirked. “About being an hour away—I’m…thinking of moving back home, actually.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“You know how I’ve been interning for that one gaming industry on and off in the past year? It started as a regular internship, evolved into a paid one—now they’ve guaranteed a spot for me once I get my degree.”

“Holy fuck, like full-time?” I lit up. “Full paying?!”

Carter nodded frantically. “Yeah!”

“Holy shit man, that’s awesome!” I grabbed his shoulders. “I’m so fucking proud of you!”

He laughed, flustered. “Difference is, I’d be stationed in Phili where the primary site is.”

“And if you don’t want your whole paycheck to go to gas, it’d be smarter to move back home,” I muttered. “Makes sense, makes sense. Have you told your parents?”

“I’ve brought it up—I think my mom’s more on board than my dad. I mean, they just refurbished the basement so she proposed I could move my bedroom down there since my dad turned my old room into an office.”

“Getting the whole basement sounds like a fucking win!”

“Yeah, they added onto the back of the house so it’s more of an in-home suite.”

I smirked. “So, you still get privacy.”

“S-Somewhat,” He blushed. “But if my upstairs neighbors are my parents who aren’t making me pay rent, I’m gonna be way less risky.” 

“Worse case scenario, we can have sex in the back of my truck again.”

Carter lightly punched my arm. “Shut the hell up!”

“What? You liked it!” I grinned as he laughed. “You kept mentioning it days after we did it!”

“Yeah, yeah!” He shooed me away with a blush. “Frankly, I think I’ll work for a year or two and save up some money for grad school.”

“Oh shit, yeah. You were thinking of Drexel, right?”

“Yeah, and I’ll need a ton of dough for that, too,” He shrugged before smiling. “But I feel good about it! I can still surprise you on campus and whenever you come home, I’ll be next door again.” 

He leaned into me. “I know you like that.”

“I know you like that,” I ruffled his hair. “Honestly, I’ve always been surprised that you got your own place so early on.”

“I just…” The blond sighed. “I couldn’t stand Chesterbrook without you. It didn’t look right, it didn’t feel right—I needed a change of scenery and more than anything, I wanted breathing room. Hence, even after rooming with Aaron, I still got an apartment. I wanted to live by my own rules.”

“I feel that,” I chuckled. “I look forward to when I have enough money for my own flat. Rent is just so fucking high nowadays.”

“Hence, why I’ll be living with my parents again for a while,” He shrugged. “But hey, you’ve been working and by the time you graduate, I’m sure we could…” 

I smirked as his face turned red. “Get a place together?”

“Maybe.” He waved me away. “I just used to think you could only move in with people you were married to, but in this economy, you’ve gotta split rent with someone.”

“Who says we can’t do both?”

His blush deepened.

“L-Like, eventually,” I clarified and quickly got to my feet, flustered. 

When Carter stood up, he grabbed my hand with a smile. 

“I uh, I’d like that.”

I returned the expression as he lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it. I tensed up instantly. He’d never kissed my hand before, but I kill for him to do it a hundred times over. I felt my cheeks burn as he laughed at his own action before turning around to hide his blush. 

He didn’t say anything as we walked to the house, but he turned back to glance at me and caught me continuing to smile at him like an idiot.

Dallas’ house was huge, and we were quickly handed drinks after entering. Someone had already started playing music, and I was informed by one of the guys that they’d already ordered several pizzas. As Chai gave me a can, he pulled me off to the side. 

“Where were you? Did you get lost?” He laughed.

“Uh, no,” I awkwardly played with my hair.

“You okay?”

I nodded, opening the drink and taking a few sips.

“You sure? Your face is really red.” He said in concern.

“Y-Yeah, I know.”

“Were you crying?”

I snickered. “Maybe.”

“What?!” He yelled and tensed up. “Who hurt you?! I’ll kill them! Tell me!”

I laughed as a few of the guys looked in our direction. “Calm down, no one did anything,” I said and sighed. “I was just uh, having a moment, I guess.”

Chai looked me over. “Well, are you okay now, at least?”

I nodded and looked back over, watching as Carter assimilated into my squad. He was mostly fawning over Payne who still hadn’t put on a shirt. It had practically turned into a house party, and while I expected it to be slightly more civilized because they were my friends, I was wrong.

By the time Carter and I had come in, a decent number of them were already drunk, but the atmosphere was chill. Blair was in the living room playing cards with a couple of other chicks, Jesse was attempting to cook something with Dallas, and a few people were outside too.

Truthfully, it was a nice change of pace. I hadn’t been to a party in a while, and I had only drank with a few people in the last month. Usually Roger.

Towards the end of the night when everyone was shitfaced and stuffed from eating ten pizzas we ordered, all of which had different toppings, we all congregated in the basement to watch a movie. Despite the size, there were way too many of us to fit on the couch so some of us were on beanbags, armrests, dining room chairs, or just on the floor.

I got the first pick and hogged the biggest beanbag there was while Carter sat in my lap. Even after putting my T-shirt on, it was still cold in the basement, so I was sort of using him as a blanket. Then again, I refused to pass up any opportunity where I could touch him.

Truthfully, only about a quarter of the people here knew we were dating. Aside from Aaron and Blair, I had really only told Chai and Payne. However, Chai was a blabbermouth and probably told at least ten of the other guys after I had told him. From then on, people most likely assumed since no one ever came and asked me directly.

I didn’t necessarily mind. I didn’t wanna hide Carter or anything and it’s likely no one would really care if I was with a dude, but it was easier just to pass him off as my friend because technically that was still true. I also didn’t want people in my business.

After about twenty minutes into the musical that Emilio put on, I couldn’t sit still anymore. Most people were getting up and terribly singing with him, yet that’s not really what I was going for. There was an array of multicolored solo cups scattered across the floor, and I swear at least ten of them were mine.

Carter had his face in the crook of my neck and every breath gave me a chill. Only good thing was that he was just drunk enough that he wasn’t embarrassed about singing and would hum into my ear and mumble the lyrics. And whether it was a whisper or a scream, his vocals were always amazing.

The more he sang, the more I melted into him, rubbing my hands across his body that perfectly fit against me. Everyone else was distracted and even if they weren’t, I don’t think I’d be doing anything else.

“Hey,” I mumbled just loud enough that he could hear.

“Hm?”

I smiled, sliding my hand across his back. “Can we go upstairs?”

“Huh? Why?” He mumbled after singing for a few seconds.

“It’ll just be for a few minutes, promise.”

Carter sat up, confused as I rolled out from under him. I readjusted my shirts and did my best not to trip over all the empty cups of booze.

“Meet me in the kitchen,” I whispered before leaving the basement and roaming the other floors of the house.

Despite being in a different room, I could still hear everyone yelling through the vents. Nonetheless, I leaned against the counter and after a few minutes, the blond arrived. In the bright lighting, I could tell how flushed his face was thanks to all the alcohol, I say as if I didn’t look the same way. Carter was still humming one of the songs from downstairs as he gave me a confused look.

“So uh, what’s up?” He asked, leaning on the marble across from me.

I stood up straight and fiddled with the ring on my left hand. It probably would’ve been better to wait until tomorrow or at least later in the night when my thoughts weren’t all fuzzy, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be alone with him for a few seconds.

“Oh, yeah.” I cleared my throat. “Nothing really, it’s just when we were downstairs, I realized I never thanked you properly and then I felt bad,” I mumbled with a laugh.

“Thanked me?”

I leaned forward and grabbed his hand, staring at his ring not just because I like examining it, but also because I was too embarrassed to look at his face.

“Y’know, for being such a good friend. Er—boyfriend. Well, technically both.” I tried to explain, and he laughed.

“I’m just…happy you waited for me. Y’know, you’re still here, you still love me, and you’re not mad or anything.”

The blond kept laughing. “Huh? You don’t have to thank me for that! That’s like a bare minimum for relationships!”

I rolled my eyes and pulled him closer to me. “Yeah, well it means a lot to me. Or at least after all the shit I’ve dealt with, it is.”

“Jean, I’m always gonna wait for you,” He smiled. “You’re my favorite person—my favorite friend, my favorite boyfriend, my favorite artist, skateboarder, gym rat, ex-convict—”

I flicked him. “C’mon, I’m just trying to thank you for being a supportive boyfriend. All you have to do is say you’re welcome.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Finally,” I whispered before kissing him softly only to lean back and laugh. “You taste like rum!”

Carter rolled his eyes. “What? And you don’t? Don’t ruin a kiss to just say that!” He exclaimed, attempting to lean back in while I kept laughing.

“Makes me wonder though,” He went on. “Did you really come up here to thank me or did you just wanna kiss me away from all your friends?”

I hummed. “Maybe both?”

He snickered as I combed my fingers through his curls, pulling him back in with my back pressed against the counter. We made out in the kitchen for what felt like ages. I zoned out in seconds due to how late it was and my low alcohol tolerance.

I forgot where we were, I forgot what exactly I was doing—I was just happy that I got to touch Carter. Anything after that point in the night was fuzzy. Whenever I think back to that night, all I remember is the sound of him singing and the feeling of his lips on mine.

Knowing that he was in my arms for good sent a wave of stress relief over me. Sure, he was gonna be at work and I would be at school, but we’d always make time for each other.

It was like the perfect reward for getting through the school year. I didn’t need anything else. Part of me felt stupid for leaving him in the first place, but now I knew things were gonna start going uphill.

Hell, the fun had already started.