Sugar and Spice

It stung. It stung worse than anything Alexis had ever experienced. It went straight for her heart, latching onto it with sharp claws that dug in with needle-like precision.

"Oh, I was just on my way to Angel's party."

No words so thoroughly felled her before. She'd been thrown from atop a mountain and left to crash into the rocks below. Suddenly the sight of the honey-coloured chinchilla had made her sick.

But she pressed on as though her world hadn't collapsed. She'd asked for clarification, kept the grin on her face, and exchanged pleasantries with her acquaintance.

Because that's what Honey was to Alexis now, if even that.

The rest of that day had passed in a blur. Alexis remembered baking with Mitty, which had been lovely. She also remembered crying, which had been less so. Then she'd gone home and cried some more.

It was so on-brand for her she couldn't help smirking now as she recalled yesterday's mess while reading the text on her phone.

Dad: Alexis, we need to talk. Call me as soon as you can.

Of course, when it rains, it pours. Alexis could only roll her eyes, because acknowledging how she was really feeling would open the floodgates again.

Her former friends abandoned her and her father was losing patience with her–and rightly so. It wasn't like she was trying to move forward in her life. How long would it be before Mitty got fed up and left? Alexis didn't have anything to offer, after all. There was a reason her friends had–

Hold on a minute, she thought, and rolled her eyes harder. That's enough now.

She straightened up and thoroughly shook her head. She stood up and drew back the curtain, soaking in the sunlight through the window of her room. She took a deep breath, focused on a random Vistian walking across the field, and furiously beat back any stray thoughts threatening to surface. She did this for a few minutes before her body caught up with her breathing and finally relaxed.

Okay, step one: she had to talk to her father. She knew that. She also knew what waited for her, and she decided that she didn't have to do it right now.

Step zero: talk to her mother. This was still daunting, but considerably less so, because at least her mother could mask her disappointment with platitudes.

She couldn't talk to her friends again. They already knew her troubles and any more would just annoy them. Besides, they couldn't deal with the heart of the issue. That was something Alexis had to do on her own, and her mother was the best stepping stone for that right now.

And so she called her mother, bracing herself for the guilt that would inevitably follow.

"Hello?" her mother said, and even through the muffled speaker Alexis could hear the incredulity in her voice. "Alexis, darling, what is it? You never call!"

"Hi, Mum," Alexis replied, still looking out the window. She heard voices on her mother's end; she wasn't alone, then. That wasn't good. "Is this a bad time?"

"No, darling, not at all! I always have time for you."

Alexis smiled. "I can talk later," she said. "It's no problem."

"Nonsense, Lexi, it's fine!" She heard just a hint of the strain in her mother's voice. She really wished she'd picked a better time, but who knew when that would be? "Please, tell me what's on your mind."

"Uh." Alexis knew she didn't have the luxury of leading up to it. Her mother probably had to get back to whatever she was doing–work, most likely. So Alexis just said, "Dad wants to talk to me."

"Well, of course he does, we never hear from you."

Alexis winced.

"Sorry, darling," said her mother as if she saw. "I'm just in a bit of a rush–"

"I told you I could call later."

"No, no. This is more important." The voices grew quieter. Her mother had likely found an empty office. This wasn't the first time Alexis had done this song and dance. She could probably determine the office layout just based on these phone calls. "So do you know what your father wants to talk about?"

"I was hoping you would know," Alexis replied, shuffling awkwardly. Now she was the one lying, but she'd hoped she could get some kind of confirmation from her mother regardless.

"He hasn't said anything to me lately. I wouldn't know."

Of course. Alexis bit back a sigh. "Oh, okay, then. Well, thank you anyway."

"Wait, Lexi, that wasn't all, surely?" Her mother cut in before she could hang up. "You don't call unless it's important."

"Well." It looked like Alexis would really have to come out and say it. She hated bringing the topic up herself, willing to let it fester like rotting vegetables, but she'd backed herself into a corner and could only push forward. "I think it might be about, um... work stuff?"

"Ah, possibly. He does mention it every now and then."

Alexis winced again. She wondered how often 'every now and then' actually was. "Has he mentioned anything about his company?"

"Are you willing to try working there again?" Her mother couldn't hide her shock.

Alexis already felt the walls closing in on her all over again. "No," she replied, reiterating the same reply that would keep that door firmly shut. "So could you tell him that if he asks?"

"I can, but he won't be happy to hear it, especially not from me." Her mother cleared her throat. "In any case, Lexi... do you have other options?"

Alexis bit her lip.

"Why not just keep that one open? I know you didn't like it, but it might be different the second time around. You have grown since then."

Alexis had not in fact grown at all since then, which was why she said, "I can't go back there."

"The staff are surely different now, and I'm sure anyone who's still there has forgotten all about it."

Alexis remembered her inability to perform even basic tasks like talking to a client over the phone. She remembered the pressure from those around her, piling on tasks that she couldn't do. She remembered the one hour of training she'd received because everyone had been too busy to teach her properly. She remembered all the mistakes she'd made. She remembered hiding in the bathroom stall because she didn't have anywhere else to cry. She remembered the one time she'd slipped up and broke down over the phone to a client instead.

Basic work things.

"I'd like to avoid going back, if possible," she replied weakly.

Her mother sighed. "Do you really not have any other prospects? I suppose I could find you something here, if–"

"No."

"Lexi, don't be so quick to dismiss it. Especially when you think you don't have other options."

Alexis' shoulders slumped. "Sorry."

"I just don't understand how you can so flippantly toss opportunities aside when you don't have alternatives."

Her heart stung all over again. It was one thing to think those things herself, but to hear them from her own mother... "I'm sorry," she croaked. She knew she'd picked a bad time. Her mother was surely stressed and here was Alexis piling it on with her petty problems.

"Well, what is the problem? You're a bright girl, you could find yourself something easily."

"I'm just worried anything I pick will end up like that time." Alexis bowed her head, one hand clutching the curtain. "I'm... I'm scared, Mum."

Her mother sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, dear," she said. "I'm not sure what more I can say to ease your worry. I can't guarantee things won't happen again, but even if they did, you pick yourself up and carry on."

Considering Alexis hadn't been able to do just that for a few years now, she didn't have much hope things would be different next time.

But moping had done nothing so far. Yes, she'd freaked out at her father's workplace, but she'd spent many nights stuck alone in her room with guilt gnawing at her. That had only recently changed, and that was because she's actually tried. She reached out to Mitty, she became friends with Amni, she joined the newspaper club. Life had a purpose now, albeit a small one. Still, it was enough.

Besides, she wanted to be someone Mitty would be proud of, and she couldn't do that cowering in ‘her’ apartment.

So she steeled herself, clutching the curtain, and said, "If I can't find anything by the time internships roll around... can I, um, can I try working at your place?"

"Oh?" Alexis imagined her mother raising her eyebrows. "Not your father's?"

"If... worse comes to worst."

I've gotta do this. For Mitty.

"Well, alright, dear," said her mother. "If that's what you want."

The finality of it sent Alexis’ stomach in a frenzy. She stewed in a strange cocktail of dread and hope, but smiled through it as she always did.

“Yes. It’s what I want.”

***

"Something's bothering you."

Alexis tabbed out of her inventory to look at Amni's character. He was dancing in place. "I'm sorry?"

"You can't hide your feelings from me, my angel." Amni continued dancing. "I know everything about you."

You don't know about me and Mitty, Alexis thought. She hadn't mentioned anything to Amni yet, thinking it best to let Mitty break the news at her own pace. Still, it was awkward keeping it a secret when Amni was still messing with her. "What's my hair colour?" she asked.

"Physical appearance questions are cheating," replied Amni. "Though I guess a video call could fix that."

"Oh?" Alexis' eyebrows twitched upwards. "Would you want to?" She'd always wanted to know what Amni actually looked like behind his lizardfolk character.

"Sure, one day. When Mitty's around, maybe. Two birds, one stone."

"You and Mitty haven't video called?"

"She's never wanted to."

Thinking about it, Alexis was no longer surprised. Mitty didn't seem the type to go on any kind of call unless necessary. "I see."

"Anyway," said Amni, "what's wrong?"

Alexis glanced at her phone on the bed, her father's text still unanswered. After talking to her mum she'd decided to calm down by playing Legends Online, and found Amni in the lobby. She hadn't intended to talk about her stress. She didn't really want to.

But she'd never done that with her old friends, either. Honey and Angel never knew what lurked beneath the surface. Maybe that was one of the reasons they'd abandoned her. She'd only ever put on a happy face for the sake of her friends, even when she'd gone to their houses while her parents were fighting.

She couldn't talk about work stress again. Amni had heard it before. But...

"I, um. Ran into some old friends yesterday," she said, distracting herself by fiddling with her mouse.

"And yet you sound like the world's ended." Amni stopped dancing.

"It's nothing, it's just, um. I hadn't spoken to them in ages only to find they were still in contact. I didn't know." Alexis tried to keep her voice casual despite the pain in her chest. "I thought we'd all drifted away. It's silly."

"That sucks," said Amni, dropping his usual jovial tone. "They suck."

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, I would and I have and I will again. They suck, hard."

Alexis chuckled softly. "I can see how you and Mitty get along so well."

"She said the same thing? Well, she's right, and I'm right."

Alexis shook her head even though she knew Amni couldn't see.

"Don't cut them any slack, Lexi. They dropped you."

"I mean, that's fine. People are allowed to do that. Sometimes you're just friends of convenience..."

"And sometimes they're just assholes."

"Amni!" Alexis wasn't sure who she was more annoyed by at that moment, herself or Amni. She shouldn't be insulted on behalf of her former friends, yet here she was, fighting back a retort against her actual friend.

"Okay, I'll stop. Sorry." Amni murmured something Alexis couldn't make out, then spoke up again. "I understand you still like them. You don't want to let them go."

Just remembering Honey's face hurt Alexis again. She sighed, careful not to sound frustrated. "No, I don't."

"Hm, think of it this way. Is it worth wasting your energy on people who don't care about you when you could be focusing on those who actually love you instead?"

"A girl can multitask," Alexis mumbled petulantly, but she quickly waved it off. "I know, I know, you're right. But it's hard."

"It is," said Amni sympathetically. "I've had my share of friends-turned-strangers, and it sucks. I don't have anything wise to say."

Alexis smiled. "That's okay. I know I'll feel better eventually. It's just that I held onto them for so long, even when we split..."

"Yeah," Amni said. "Well, you got some closure, at least."

"Closure sucks."

Amni snorted. "Yeah."

They didn't say anything for a minute. Alexis looked through a list of items she still needed in LO, content to let the conversation end there. She didn't really want Amni to start trashing her old friends again, even if she was trying to move on from them. She did feel a little better, at least.

"So did Mitty get into Bramble's?"

"Huh?" Alexis looked up from the list. "Wait, she told you she was applying?"

"Yeah, I'm surprised too. She never used to tell me anything."

Alexis wondered what changed. She also wondered if she should be the one to break the news, but she didn't have much choice. "Um, no, she didn't get in this time."

"Oh. She doing okay?"

Better than I was, Alexis thought shamefully as she recalled their baking date. "I think so. She hasn't really mentioned it."

"She probably doesn't want to talk about it. I know she really wanted it considering she actually told me about it."

Alexis swallowed. She didn't much get into the topics of internships or jobs with Mitty in case the conversation turned to her. Now it felt like something was missing. "I wonder what that's like," she murmured.

"How d'you mean?"

"To actually... um," Alexis wrung her hands, looking everywhere but at the laptop even though Amni couldn't see her, "to know what you want."

"I wonder too."

"You do?"

"Yeah." Amni chuckled quietly. "I'm okay with just doing odd jobs. I can't stay in one job for too long or I get bored. I haven't been able to find one that really clicks, and at this point I don't know if I ever will."

Alexis' eyes widened. "How do you deal with that?"

"I'm okay with it."

"Oh." Alexis' ears flattened against her head. "I'm not."

“Alexis, we need to talk. Call me as soon as you can.”

"Do your parents pressure you?" she blurted out.

"Nah. What I do isn't their business. I mean, they gave up on me pretty quick after they realised I wasn't gonna live up to their expectations."

"What?"

"Don't worry about it." Amni's character waved his hands dismissively. "I'm over it. Why, you get pressure from yours?"

That was something Alexis would probably pick at later, but set it aside for now. "Yes. They want me to go into law, or be a doctor, stuff like that..." She shuddered. "I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want that." She hung her head. "I feel like I'm disappointing them."

"You're their kid. They signed up for this."

"But I don't want to–I want them to be proud of me."

"If they're good parents, they'll be proud no matter what. So long as you're happy."

Alexis pouted even though she knew she was being childish. Surely Amni knew it wasn't that simple? Even the most patient parents would get sick of their daughter bumming off them all her life. Besides, that wasn't who she wanted to be. She wanted to stand on her own two feet, in her own house, with her own life. These walls that surrounded her now, borrowed and on borrowed time, could not last forever. Every day they closed in just a little more, and if she let them box her in...

"Thanks," she said, withholding a sigh. "I know you're right, really. But I'd like to be proud of myself, too."

"And how much of that relies on their opinion of you?" Amni asked.

Alexis stayed silent, choosing instead to set up a quest.

"You care too much." Amni joined the quest. "And I bet it's not just them."

Alexis was glad Amni couldn't see her hiding behind her hair.

"Look. Mitty will always be there for you, no matter what." Of course Amni knew where to hit next. "So will I, but Mitty's actually close enough to help you. And yeah, she may be different from either of us, but she won't judge you. Never you."

Not for the first time, Alexis wondered how much Amni actually knew. "Thanks," she said. "Really."

"I mean it, y'know. Mitty's my best friend, and you're climbing up pretty quick too. I want you both to be happy."

Finally, warmth welled up in Alexis' chest. It was the best she'd felt all day. Just the reminder that, even if it was through a screen, she had someone else close enough to share her troubles with, gave her enough strength to smile in earnest. "You too," she replied. "I want you to be happy too."

"Thanks."

They were silent for a time as they prepared for the quest. Alexis hadn't even been thinking when she'd chosen it, though there wasn't much to prepare for. It was just something to do. Easier to talk while multitasking.

"I wish I could meet you," she said suddenly. She let the words hang there, so earnest in their delivery as to embarrass her, but she wasn’t ashamed of them.

"Oh? Have my charms finally won you over?" Amni replied. Before Alexis could say anything, he continued, "For real though, yeah, I think it'd be fun. All of us. We could make a little holiday out of it."

"How come you and Mitty never tried?"

"She never said anything and I didn't wanna overstep. But with you, I think we can convince her."

Alexis giggled. "I'm sure she wants to meet you." Excitement bubbled in her and she wagged her tail as she remembered this wasn't her only plan: soon she would be headed to The Beachhouse with Mitty, Kyra, Gui, and Ace. She'd actually been invited to that. And here she was now, making plans with yet another friend. An actual friend.

"We'll definitely have to talk to her about it," said Amni. "If you think she's ready."

"I'd say so."

As the two of them finally actually played LO, Alexis felt her worries melt away, at least for now. She could talk to her father. She could find something for herself. She could finally move on. All because she knew she had others in her corner who would be there if she fell.

She immersed herself in the game and gave it her all.