Rose Gold

I had been living alone for about two or three years now. While I was close with my parents, they believed that by age eighteen, I’d be ready to live on my own. That or there'd be no complaints if they’d already turned my room into an office after I'd left for college.

Well, my older brother’s room became the office and mine became my mother’s walk-in closet.

Despite being the youngest, I got the most pressure out of my two brothers. I could only assume it was because they didn’t want me living in the basement thanks to my uncertain career path. Adrien, the eldest, went on to become an architect, and Mason, the middle child, became a dentist despite his fear of them as a child. Their career choices caught everyone off-guard at first, but it didn’t matter—in the end, they were practical.

And then there was Cason.

Cason Samwell, the weird art kid.

I use the adjective “weird” lightly, but being interested in the smallest art-related topic often got you the title back when I was in school. I wasn’t much into drawing or sculpting, but for a small window of my life, I enjoyed watercolor painting. My relatives assumed I’d make a breathtaking piece and get famous, but the hobby quickly withered.

As high school continued and eventually, I graduated and walked around DCAD’s campus still confused, I eventually realized I was interested in photography.

Everyone thought that wouldn’t go anywhere, but I was proud to be one of the featured photographers in the studio where I worked and having a nice, crisp following of 4,827 people on Instagram.

I did solo shoots, wedding photography, landscape shots, and people seemed to enjoy buying prints of random photos I’d take on the streets too. 

Every day I woke up surprised that I even got here in the first place. I never imagined I’d quickly become self-sufficient and buy a house without six other roommates. Then again, I didn’t really pay full price.

I lived in a small townhouse in northern Delaware that was passed down to me by my grandmother. When my grandpa died, she no longer needed the space or had the money to finance it so she gifted it to me at half price. I don’t know if she worried that I’d be on the streets after being kicked out as opposed to my brothers, or if I was just her favorite. I always got bigger birthday checks than the two of them, so it could go both ways.

She moved down south into one of the senior apartments on the beach. She was previously an accountant, knew an awful lot about money management, and had been investing in stocks since she was a teen, so her earnings sure as hell piled up by age 83. Still, she had no desire to waste her fixed income paying overpriced rent. However, I couldn’t imagine a beach house being that enjoyable during the winter, then again, I never got to experience a year-round beach vacation.

I started up my SUV—which my grandfather had passed down to me as well—and began to defrost the windows. It was early January and a light snow had blanketed the neighborhood overnight. Of course, it was cold as shit, given that it was also seven in the morning. I blasted the heat because the thirty second trip from my house to the curb already managed to freeze my face off.

I hummed the jingle of my favorite morning show on the radio and spotted someone out of the corner of my eye.

A tall man wearing only a robe scampering to the community mailbox by the curb. His jet-black hair was disheveled, and he was obviously cold—it was below freezing—but he proceeded to shiver while reading his mail.

Tobias Phillips.

He had been my next-door neighbor since I moved in.

When he closed the mailbox, he looked in my direction, our eyes meeting. I immediately fixed my gaze back on my car’s interior, turning down the heat and finally driving off to my job.

Part of me wondered if he lived here back when my grandmother did, but he looked to be around my age. We never really talked nor saw each other, but during the miracles when I’d spot him leave or come home from work, I couldn’t help but stare in awe.

He was always in a suit whenever I saw him. I had no clue what his day job was, but clearly it was important enough that he wore formal attire and had enough money for a royal-blue Corvette that was always parked one space over from mine. 

I wasn’t one to judge people based on looks, but God… with him, how could I not?

He looked rich, which made me wonder why he lived in a tiny townhouse, but I never got the balls to ask him. I’ve never had the balls to ask him anything.

Where are you from? What do you do? Are you seeing anyone? Do you own any non-formal attire or does your paycheck just go to your dry-cleaning? When we’d run into each other, we’d speedrun through the basic small talk: How’ve you been? Nice weather we’re having, huh? Got any plans for the weekend?

Well, it was me who speed ran them.

On some level, he intimidated me. Whenever he'd notice me staring at him, I’d race off in the opposite direction instead of using the opportunity to finally get to know him. He was confident, handsome, obviously wealthy, and seemed so down-to-Earth. 

I didn’t really have a type…but he was my type.

It was embarrassing: Twenty-six years old and telling people how I felt still made me sick to my stomach, especially with him. The thought raises my blood pressure and makes me want to curl up in a ball and scream. He doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him, hell—he probably thinks I’m just some dork with too many multicolored ties. And with a face, fashion sense, and body like that, I’d find it hard to believe that he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

And even if he didn’t, I’d still bet money that I wasn’t his type.

After parking in my reserved space, I hurried into the studio before I lost feeling in my fingers, and was quickly greeted by a few of my favorite coworkers. 

While the studio was on the smaller side, it still housed many talented photographers. They were practically family, and it was always fascinating to see how our skills and preferences differed. While I loved my job and wouldn’t ask for anything else, it was draining. The chaos depended on the time of year like wedding season or December for holiday photos, but if running around from location to location wasn’t bad enough, I also spent time after hours editing them all.

According to my coworkers, I was over the top. They claimed my photos were perfect first try unlike theirs, but I always wanted to add some extra pizazz. Still, that often came back to bite me in the ass.

If I wasn’t traveling, days at the studio were typically long. Hell, sometimes I’d leave an event near midnight and still come back to the studio to edit with all the extra features and monitors I enjoyed having nearby.

We declared Wednesdays as Walk-in Wednesday, where we’d take anyone who came in and it was first-come first-serve until close. This week, I didn’t get enough sleep to have the energy to deal with client after client and not even instant coffee could keep me going the whole day. 

Everything seemed to drag on and I just wanted to go home. I started cleaning up before my shift ended at six, but at least twenty minutes out, I heard the bell of the door opening and had to stop myself from letting out the most hostile sigh.

Still, I fixed my face, took a subtle deep breath, only to look up and immediately get lightheaded.

“T-Tobias?” I stammered as a rush of heat flew through my body. Last customer of the day. “Funny seeing you here!”

He shrugged and walked up to the counter, as I got the vibe that his workday had been a drag too.

“Hey. Yeah.” He pulled at his collar, and I got distracted by his red nose from the cold. “You able to take a last-minute photo? I was stuck in traffic and got here later than intended.”

I gave him a thumbs up as I didn’t want to let him down, even if I was tired as shit. “Nah, you’re good. Sure.”

He smiled and I unpacked my camera, gesturing to him to follow me afterward. We left the lobby and moved through a hallway to the main studio, though the silence was killing me, so I decided to make a pathetic attempt at small talk.

“So, uh, how’ve you been lately?” I squeaked, my face turning red.

“Just fine.” He smiled. “How about you?”

“What? Oh.” I guided Tobias to the small platform where he would pose for his shot. I didn’t know if the embarrassment was fucking with my brain or if it was the lack of sleep.”

“Eh, y’know,” I chuckled awkwardly. “I’m just happy it’s hump day.”

“Ah, yes. The homestretch.”

“I feel like that would be Thursday.” I added, immediately regretting my unneeded input. “W-Who knows? Doesn’t matter.” I filled the silence with a laugh. “I’m well. In conclusion, I’m doing good.”

Tobias raised an eyebrow, snickering a bit. “Well, as long as you’re alright. That’s all that matters.”

I fiddled with the settings on my camera, fully aware that my face was red. That wasn’t even the worst part—it’s just that between my face and my hair, I’ll look like a strawberry. Not even a tomato. The freckles turned me into a fruit.

That amongst other things.

“So um, what are you in for? Business card?”

He removed his jacket and adjusted his suit which looked fancier than most I’d seen him in. This was a new one and he looked just as charming, possibly even more.

“Yep, and I need a new profile picture on my website. And I suppose some pics for social media?” He shrugged. “But yeah, business card works.”

“Sounds good. I, uh, I guess I’ll get some half-bodies and headshots. That sound good?” I asked, envisioning the swanky business card for whenever he worked.

He quickly raised his eyebrows, smirking. “You’re the professional.”

I fumbled my camera, wiping my hands on my jeans. Damn right I was the professional, but him saying that broke my brain and made me feel like an apprentice again.

“Haha…yeah. Okay, could you move a little to the left?”

He shuffled over. I think this was the longest I’d ever talked to him. And looked at him. And smelled his cologne, goddamn. I tried to keep my cool as he struck slightly different poses with varied smiles and smirks. I was so used to his stone-cold default expression. 

However, I was happy to have a normal way to stare at him up close, both here and with the files that would end up on my camera. I realized he had a cuff on his right ear, as did I, though you could tell he had other piercings despite not wearing any jewelry in the holes. And he had that stupid bad boy lookin’ slit through his eyebrow, that only grew more attractive as I stared at him, and he combed his fingers through his hair.

I took a few more photos, as I wanted him to have a good variation to choose from, but if he gave me the okay, I could also post some of the shots to my Instagram. He practically had the face of a model. Sharp jawline, long eyelashes, straight teeth, emerald eyes—I could go on.

Though, the butterflies in my stomach eventually got to me and I almost dropped my camera, cursing under my breath.

I heard Tobias chuckle but when I looked up, he stared off to the side.

“S-Sorry, minor technical difficulties…” I mumbled as I tried to fix my camera’s settings after fumbling some of the controls with my sweaty hands. 

“All good.” Tobias said casually and checked his watch as I made a fool out of myself. “I don’t wanna keep you after dark though. We probably have enough.”

“I—uh, yeah.”

“Did you break it?” I caught him smirking a little as I let my camera rest around my neck and put the SD card in my laptop.

“N…No.”

He chuckled as we scrolled through my gallery, and he picked his favorites.

I cleared my throat. “Anyway, do you plan to do the business card part yourself? Sometimes the entrepreneurs get picky, so I give them free reign.”

“No, I trust you. Especially for artsy shit like this. I could never.”

I smiled, blushing a little as he stood across the counter from me, examining my other monitor which was still facing him.

“Yeah?”

He shrugged. “Yeah.” I tensed up as he examined me. “I wouldn’t usually trust a guy with rubber ducks all over his tie, but artsy people wear artsy stuff, I assume.”

I gulped, smiling awkwardly. “Y-Yeah.”

“I saw that tie at Macy’s a few weeks ago, actually.”

I handed him a clipboard with a form for his contact info. “Yeah…it was on clearance from the summer. My mom always taught me to shop in the sale section.”

“That and shopping off-season.” Tobias added before returning the pen and paper. “I’m assuming.”

“Heh…yeah.”

I copied the info onto my computer and returned the SD card to my camera, but the longer I typed, the more I lost my concentration.

I functioned with the sun—thanks to daylight savings, I couldn’t function after the sun set before six. Not to mention, staring at all these screens was wearing me out as if running on four hours of sleep wasn’t the main cause. I almost slammed my head on my keyboard, but Tobias reached over the counter and saved me, which woke me right up.

“Are you okay?” He retracted his hand with a sigh as I leaned back. “Sorry for keeping you so late—you’re probably tired. Here, let me pay you so I can get out of your hair.”

I stared at him as he dug for his wallet, though as he handed me some cash, I took a leap of faith. A tired, barely thought-out leap of faith.

“You wanna go for a drink?” I stammered quickly.

“What? Instead of paying you?”

“Sure. What? Yeah, sure.” I closed my laptop and placed it in my bag, frantically cleaning everything up. I couldn’t think straight, but I doubt I’d get the balls to talk to him again. I couldn’t let him leave. God knows I couldn’t just approach him on a free day to ask the same thing.

This was my chance to start anew—to finally get to know him—to stare at his beautiful face a little longer.

Tobias handed me the cash anyway. “I can just buy you a drink separately…” He muttered, confused. “But you look half-dead. You should probably go home.”

I grabbed my things and stood up. “I’ll be fine. I look like this all the time,” I lied. I usually saved drinking for the weekends, so I wouldn’t make my sleep schedule worse than it already was.

He scoffed. “No, you don’t.”

“How would you know? You never see me.” I gulped, walking towards the door as he followed me.

“I saw you this morning.”

I paused once outside. 

“You looked more alive earlier than right now.” He snickered. “And it was the crack of dawn.”

The cold air attacked my face but while I expected it to wake me up like usual, it managed to relax me, probably because of my nerves. I had been on fire the entire time I’d been with Tobias.

“I appreciate your concern, but I-I’m good.” I tried to sound convincing, but I tripped off the curb and Tobias managed to catch me before I crashed onto the pavement.

“Fast reflexes…” I mumbled as he held me.

“Dammit Cason, it’s like you’re already drunk. Just go home.” He sighed in annoyance. “It’s the middle of the week—you said it yourself. Why do you wanna go out drinking anyway?”

I couldn’t muster up an answer as Tobias released me after assessing my stability. While my brain knew a hundred reasons why I wanted to hang out with him, I couldn’t finagle a lie. I couldn’t open my mouth and say something that made sense or at least sounded normal.

“Cason, what's the deal,” He questioned loudly with a slight nudge to my shoulder to snap me back.

I stared at the sidewalk. “I…uh, I dunno—I’m just curious about what’s going on in your neck of the woods.” I stammered. “Work, family, relationships…etcetera. Sorry. I-I’m sorry.”

When I finally met his gaze again, his concerned eyes scanned me. He barely touched me and yet I couldn’t get the smell of his cologne off my body. That’s the last thing I needed.

“Why can’t we do this another time? I’ve got things to do.”

He always worked so late. I doubt I’d get another chance. And even though I had his contact info now, it seemed weird to contact him for anything other than business.

I dunno how I managed to embarrass myself so bad in one interaction. I’m sure I worsened his already-tainted impression of me. He stared me down and thanks to the temperature and my anxiety, I felt like I was gonna cry. I had become so accustomed to that look, but it was still nauseating. His concern melted into annoyance. I didn’t know where to look or what to say, and then Tobias exhaled.

“Jesus Christ.” He grabbed my wrist and began to cross the street. “I’ll drive. I’m afraid of you passing out at the wheel.”

I chuckled awkwardly but I wasn’t proud of myself anymore. I felt like shit. I should go home. My attempt at being spontaneous was hopeless now that I was burdening someone else and my request had morphed me into a pain in the ass. 

Again. 

Alas, there was no time to turn back after I found myself scrunched up in his passenger seat with my bags. Even with the radio, the silence was killing me, and I didn’t know where to look. I felt rude staring at my phone but whenever Tobias would glance over and catch my eye, I’d silently panic. My last resort was a coercive car nap thanks to the comfortable heated and my lack of eight hours.

All I did was blink and in seconds we’d teleported to some shopping center.

“We’re here.” Tobias stated loudly and I heard the car turn off.

I slowly opened my eyes with a groan and saw Tobias leaning against the car door with his arms crossed. Default daylight Cason is already bad, but groggy Cason is even worse.

“Cason,” He began, glaring at me, but I couldn’t tell if he was still mad. “The last thing you need right now is a drink. Let me just drive you home.”

I frowned, staring at my lap as I played with my tie.

“What do you want to talk about in the first place? You have my number—you can just text me whatever you want.”

“I…yeah…” I mumbled and swallowed heavily.

Tobias paused and stared at me. “You just want to talk face-to-face so you have an excuse to stare at me like everyone else I know.”

I looked up. “What? N-No! I just…we’re neighbors, and we’ve been neighbors for a while, but I barely know you. I feel bad.”

Tobias sighed and looked me over before unlocking the car. “Stay here. I’ll be back.” He combed his fingers through his hair and left me in the parking lot for a few minutes. He returned shortly after with a box and I gave him a confused look after he placed it in the back seat and pulled out two cans.

“Let’s be frank,” He began as he turned the key so we could have the radio. “I’m tired. You’re tired. I don’t feel like going anywhere else so I just got us a case from the liquor store so I don’t have to deal with any more people today.”

He removed his suit jacket and loosened his tie which I assumed would make him less uptight. “I don’t typically drink during the week but since you’re desperate and my day was shit, why not?” Tobias muttered and cracked open one of the beers, taking a long swig. “So?”

I held my can, but I still hadn’t taken a sip. “S-So?”

“What do you want?” He said loudly with a tone.

I finally took a drink, mentally freaking out. “W-Why was your day bad?”

He sighed and looked out the windshield. “I’m just so sick of having to do everyone’s job. We hire people with certain certifications, and they all have their roles, but supposedly they’re all so incompetent that I end up doing everything in their place…” He rubbed his face. “It’s so fuckin’ annoying. See, you don’t have to work in a team. You just do your own shit.”

“Wait, what do you do?”

“I’m the superintendent for New Castle County schools.”

“Holy shit.” I grinned. “I mean, I had a feeling you were a big fancy CEO, but like…damn.”

Tobias rolled his eyes, but I could tell he was flattered.

“I’m assuming you like kids.”

He scoffed. “Feels like I’m the only one part of the school board that does. People propose these terrible fucking ideas—that or they just focus on the monetary areas. Like,” He sighed, drinking some more. “We made all school lunches free for a year and suddenly, everyone wants to backtrack. Think about the students and families that were blessed by that change! We have money! And if we want to increase the input, charging for lunches isn’t the way to go! We’ll end up with thousands of PTA moms with torches and pitchforks…”

Tobias pulled his tie off and threw it in the backseat, opening the sunroof afterward. “I love kids, man. But I feel like I’m the only one who’s actually putting themselves in their shoes. It’s exhausting doing everything for people who don’t understand every possible impact.”

“God yeah…” I took another sip. “That’s annoying as hell. Just because you’re the overseer doesn’t mean you should be doing their jobs too. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have hired them.”

“I’m fuckin’ sayin!” He laughed. “Hell, you’ve clearly got a brain! You may not have a degree in education but I’m sure you’d make a better addition than some of these people who are qualified.”

I snickered as Tobias leaned back, taking a deep breath. “Anyway, what’s going on with you?”

“Just…photos, photos, and more photos,” I shrugged with an awkward grin.

“Doesn’t that ever get boring?”

“Not really.” I fiddled with my can as Tobias moved onto his second. “It’s stressful sometimes, but the output’s always rewarding. It’s nice to capture significant moments in people’s lives, y’know?”

“Well, you’re certainly cut out for it.” He smiled.

“Well, I just took a few photos for you today.”

He waved his hand and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt. “Well yeah, but I follow your Instagram. You’ve got lots of diversity in what you photograph and you’re awfully talented.”

I felt my face heat up but when I failed to muster up a ‘thank you,’ he just laughed.

“I-I didn’t know you followed me… Did you just look me up recently or…?”

“Back when you first moved in and told me you were a photographer, I looked you up. The occupation seemed cool. I don’t know anyone with the art gene. You’re inspiring.”

I choked on my beer. “M-Me? Yeah, right! Kids are the voices of tomorrow and you’re actively changing their lives! I’m a fuckin’ ant in comparison to you!”

He sighed. “No, you’re not. While we have different strengths, we’re still equals. You’re at the top of photography, and I’m at the top for…school stuff, I guess.” He smiled a little.

I felt like I was gonna pass out. I gulped down the rest of my drink. Being flattered by Tobias was amazing but I don’t think my heart could take it. Out of all people, he found me inspiring. And he’s been following my Instagram for years now! Oh God.

“Wait a minute, do you follow…my personal account? On Insta?”

“Hm?” Tobias pulled out his phone, skimming. “I think so. ‘Strawberry.samwell,’ right? I think I follow all your accounts. The other being the one for the studio you work at.”

I blushed profusely. “O-Okay, stalker!”

Tobias gave me a weird look and shrugged before putting his phone away. “What? I wanted to add some color to my feed.”

I hid my face. “Ugh…”

“What? Is it bad that I’m a fan of your work?” He seemed genuinely confused.

“No, it’s just kinda embarrassing!”

“What?”

“Because!” I groaned. “I just feel so small compared to you man…I dunno. You’re cool and good looking and clearly, you’re stacked…” I laughed awkwardly, wishing I could just duct tape my mouth shut. “I can’t imagine someone like you ever wanting anything to do with me.”

“W-Wow.” Tobias mumbled.

“I’m a fuckin’ dork compared to you…is all. I hate it.”

“How can you compare yourself to me when you don’t even know me?” He asked, and I finally looked up from my lap.

“H-Huh?”

He smiled a little, still holding onto a puzzled look. “You don’t know me. You’ve just come up with conclusions from examining me from afar.” He sighed, finishing another beer. “Sure, we’ve never really talked like this, but I’ve gotten a lot from your accounts. Yes, you’re dorky, but that’s what makes you…you.” He shrugged. “You’re talented, spontaneous, charismatic—I can get a lot just by looking at the photos you take or clips of you with your friends. You have a life. You have a personality. I like that.”

“A-Are you saying…you don’t?” I wiped my hands on my jeans.

Tobias paused before shrugging again. “I dunno. I can tell you get a lot out of your job, especially since it’s also a hobby. For me…all I really do is work. I don’t do anything else. It’s just a cycle. I’d much rather be you.”

“Cycle?”

“Y’know…” He gazed out the window. “I know I’m helping on some level…but I still feel useless. I just eat, sleep, and work. Even on off days, I’m still flying solo. Coworkers are hanging out with their families or drinking with friends while I'm catching up with work from earlier in the week.” He mumbled.

“I mean, the same goes for me,” I began, trying to improve his mood. “Except after getting home and working even more, I wind up staying up too late editing photos, pass out sometimes around two, and start all over again. That’s just adulthood. If you think of it like a loop…it’ll make you depressed.”

“Well,” Tobias grabbed another beer from the back. “Mine’s been looping for too damn long, to the point where it feels permanent. Like I’ll never actually win.” He stared at the label. “This is just how it is now. I’ll work till I die. I’ll be alone in that house until I die, and someone finds my corpse sitting in my home office.”

We made eye contact.

“I didn’t mean to verbalize that thought.”

“Y-You’re—it’s fine. I get what you mean. Don’t worry.”

“Yeah, but it’s obvious that you have…people. Friends, family, you probably have a girlfriend, which will likely turn into something.”

I snickered, catching Tobias off-guard. “Tobias, you don’t know me either. I don’t have a girlfriend!”

“Well, you’ve probably got a crush at least! Given how many wedding shoots you do, you’ve gotta be some type of hopeless romantic.”

“I-I don’t—I’m not.” I stammered, almost dropping my can and spilling it all over my lap. “It’s been ages since I’ve dated anyone.”

“Liar. I refuse to believe that someone with a face like yours doesn’t have anybody.”

I scrunched up my nose. “I could say the same about you.”

“How long’s it been then? Since you’ve dated or at least kissed someone?”

I almost choked on my beer. “I-I dunno…not since college.” 

And what was that? Like, two? Three years ago? It felt like an eternity since I’d been in a solid relationship like the ones you see in movies. For the entire time I had lived beside him, he was all I thought about. I had a crush on a guy entirely out of my league.

He sighed. “I’m sorry man, I just can’t believe it. I’m fully aware of the fact that I’m a workaholic but you have a life. You at least mix your social life with work. I doubt that you’re single or truly out of the dating game, Pretty Boy!”

I loosened my tie. “S-Same goes for you. I look like a little kid, but you wear a damn suit every day.”

He shrugged. “I wouldn’t say little kid, but high schooler? Maybe.” He smiled a bit. “I mean, chicks swarm me but they’re not my type and I’m sorta…unsuitable in general.” He laughed awkwardly. “Meanwhile, you’re perfect boyfriend material.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, right. I’m a goody-two shoes. Borderline nerd. No one goes for guys like me—they go for guys like you. You’re rich and mature and beautiful as fuck…lots of people would want you in their bed. I’d bet money on it.”

As I realized the words that came out of my mouth, Tobias snickered. “Do you want me in your bed?”

“W-What?! Tobias, no!”

He laughed hysterically. “I saw you looking at me this morning—I bet you like me,” He teased.

“Who doesn’t like you?!” I gulped, praying that I really wasn’t that obvious. 

He leaned over and ruffled my hair, grinning. “You stare at me all the time, Cason.”

“S-Shut up. That doesn’t mean I want you in my bed.”

He snickered. “I’m just joking! Geez!” It was amusing to see this side of him, but he was drunk. It’d be a miracle for a similar interaction to ever occur again. 

“But,” He continued. “If you did, no judgment. As we know, you’re not the only one. Everybody wants me.”

“Alright, alright. Cool your jets, Mr. Ego.”

“What! You said it yourself!”

I rolled my eyes, finishing my drink as Tobias stared at me, grinning. “God, this is fun. You should’ve asked me out for drinks ages ago.”

“I know right.” I mumbled and then looked up. “Wait, this is fun? You really like talking to me?”

“No fucking shit!” He laughed. “Yeah! Why wouldn’t I?”

I sighed pitifully. “I don’t know… I don’t have the…highest self-esteem. I just didn’t think I was your type.”

“Oh?”

“Y-Yeah…” I mumbled, staring out the window. However, Tobias leaned over and grabbed my chin, turning me to face him. I froze up, though it felt like I was melting into the seat.

“You’re my type…” He whispered with a smirk. “You’re creative, spunky, charming to be around… I love it when you stare at me and when you turn red. It’s so fuckin’ adorable, you don’t even know.”

I tried to think of a response, but my brain was a blur. All I could do was smile out of flattery and confusion, and that he was so close to me. Tobias returned the expression and placed his hand on my thigh, but before I could calm down from simply being complimented, he pressed his lips against mine.

I leaned in as he slid his hand closer to my groin and a small whimper slipped out, causing Tobias to pull away with a smirk.

“H-Holy shit.”

He snickered. “I know why you look at me like that, Cason.” 

I gulped, unsure of how to respond, but my embarrassment only entertained Tobias more. Right then, I started praying that he wouldn’t remember this shit in the morning. I don’t know why I thought I was slick.

I’m Cason. I’m never slick.

The man massaged my thigh, pressing his nose against mine as my breaths shortened. I never thought my face would end up this close to his. He fully loosened my tie, pulling it off and throwing it in the back before unbuttoning a bit of my shirt, but I was still recovering from the kiss.

Before I knew it, I was shirtless, with Tobias towering over me on the reclined passenger seat. He leaned down, kissing me with a bit more desperation, eventually sliding his tongue into my mouth. 

I genuinely hadn’t felt something like this since college. However, I was way too old to be fooling around in a car like a high schooler. And even in high school I didn’t do shit like this—I still barely got any action.

No one had anything against me, but my brothers always had the spotlight. As the youngest, I was too cute for anyone to even consider hitting on. People didn’t want to get into my pants—they just wanted to put me in their pocket.

Two kisses in, now three, and I already felt like I was dying. Whenever I had these dreams, cars were never the setting, but I wasn’t complaining. Another moan slipped out as he pulled my waist into his, trailing his lips across my jawline and eventually to my neck.

I couldn’t make sense of it.

Was Tobias just super experienced in this category? Was it because of all the empty beer cans we’d thrown in the backseat? Was it because I was practically celibate for four years and now the smallest thing set me on fire? It was likely a combination, but I’m sure my sleep deprivation and lack of dinner made it seem like I drank twice as much as I did. 

Not to mention, I’ve always had one hell of an imagination.

“D-Don’t leave any marks,” I huffed as his teeth scraped against my neck, sending a shiver down my neck.

He slowly slid his hand down my stomach as I wrapped my arms around him, restless. He snickered against my skin. “Relax…” He whispered, which only got me even more worked up. “I won’t leave them where anyone can see.”

“M-Mhm…” I bit my lip, trying to keep my mouth shut but I couldn’t concentrate. I was drowning in the scent of his cologne, the heat of his body, and the way his voice had seemed to have dropped an octave.

“God, you’re so cute,” He leaned up, examining me for a moment as I attempted to steady my breathing.

Once again, all I could do was smile. I was out of words.

He eventually leaned back down, kissing me while his hands explored way too much of my torso. I tangled my fingers in his hair, trying to follow his rhythm, but as he slid his knee into my groin, I couldn’t keep up.

I groaned and the man laughed into the kiss, softly biting my lip for a brief moment. I organized my thoughts enough to realize he had unhooked my belt while he massaged his lips on mine, but I froze up when he slid his hand into my jeans.

I swallowed heavily as a moan slipped out, but I grabbed his shoulders, pushing him back.

“T-Tobias, we can’t do this here. We’re…in the middle of a parking lot.”

“So?” He chuckled softly and tried to lean back down, but I wouldn’t let him. “Cason, it’s okay to be flustered.”

I gulped. That was an issue amongst other things…

He managed to kiss me again but before I got completely hypnotized, I crawled out from under him and rolled across the console into the driver’s seat. Tobias reclined the seat up.

“Shit, are you okay? Did I do something?”

I strapped myself in and turned the keys, the engine starting up. “I-It’s fine.” I glanced at his worried look. “I…just…strap yourself in. We’re going home.

Tobias reclined the seat back up. “What? Why? And why can’t I drive—this is my car!”

I backed out of the parking space once I heard his seatbelt click. “It’s late and we both have to get up early tomorrow. Plus, you’re drunk or at least significantly drunker than me. No way in hell I’m letting you drive,” I mumbled.

“You killed the mood,” He mumbled and placed his hand on my thigh as I drove, but I quickly moved him off me.

“Just jack yourself off and get over it.” I hissed. “We’re fuckin’ grown—we shouldn’t be having sex in the middle of a parking lot.”

I turned onto the empty highway and cruised along in his fancy ass car. I glanced at Tobias who still seemed to be mustering up a response, but when I checked back a minute later, he was conked out in the passenger seat.

What the fuck just happened?

Why’d I even let him go that far?

However, he must like me at least a little if that’s how he is without a filter. I gulped, gripping the steering wheel while trying to keep my concentration. 

“You’re my type.”

Yeah, right.

I tensed up, paranoid that I was swerving and that I’d blink, and the cops would be behind me. He was probably joking or curious how I’d respond. I couldn’t make sense of it. Even if he was gay, we were so…different. If I were him, I wouldn’t want some anxiety-ridden nerd who still fits his clothes from high school.

I’d want a man. And despite the tent in my pants, I was far from it. I was just a cute little sidekick. That’s how it was.

I eventually got to our exit, or at least the next closest one since I zoned out missed the first. I parked in his spot and grabbed my clothes from the back, and Tobias eventually woke up while I was in the middle of trying to button my shirt back up.

I caught him staring at my bare torso and started burning up. Though, out of all the places he could look or notice, my chest was the best option. He watched me grab my bags, still looking woozy.

“Where are you going?”

I gulped. “Um, home?”

He looked out the window. “Oh. Oh shit. When did you…?”

“Doesn’t matter.” I took a deep breath and leaned over, pecking him on the cheek. “Um, thanks for the drinks.”

I smiled and Tobias slowly came to. “Thanks…for the photoshoot.” He said quietly and covered the spot where I kissed him.

I left the car and scampered into my house, dropping my bags with an exhale. I closed the door back, leaning on it for a while as I tried to calm my nerves. All of this was way more than I bargained for.  

I finally went upstairs after I felt stable enough to walk, but even after a twenty-minute car ride, I was still hard and at this point I was just pissed off. I started the shower and before the mirror fogged up, I saw the few marks he left on my neck and collarbone.

That was the last thing I needed right now. Not because I didn’t have the mental capacity for a relationship, but I doubt I’d be able to catch up on all those hours I missed last night. Despite the alcohol and my previous exhaustion, I couldn’t clear my head enough to ever get to sleep.

I guess that’s what I get for trying to break the cycle.

The next morning, I woke up to my doorbell. I expected to hear my alarm, but I quickly realized my phone was dead, as it was still in my bag by the door, and I never plugged it in. I rolled out of bed in only some sweatpants and dragged myself down the stairs in hopes of stopping the rapid pinging sound.

I swung it open, still trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes, but despite my temporarily blurry sight, I quickly recognized Tobias on my front porch.

“Were you asleep?” He asked, annoyed.

“W-What?” I sputtered as the cold air attacked my stomach, causing me to shiver.

Tobias stepped inside and closed the door behind him. “It’s eight—you should already be up. Go put some clothes on. I have to drive you to work.”

I rubbed my eyes and stared at him in confusion. He was way too awake if you asked me. I wasn’t hungover but shouldn’t he be given how much he drank? 

“Cason, hurry up! I’m already late! What are you doing?”

“I—what? Yeah, sorry.” I frantically ran back upstairs and dug through my closet, grabbing a plain white shirt and another goofy tie since I didn’t have time to match anything up and was afraid that Tobias would kill me for taking too long.

I threw on some work boots which I tried to tie as I brushed my teeth which only led to another mess I had to clean up. Now I needed a different pair of pants if I didn’t want to wear the bubblegum toothpaste-stained ones, though Tobias yelled at me to hurry up again while I tried to wrestle my belt off and back on again.

“I’m coming!” I snapped back, running down the stairs with my boots in my hands since I couldn’t tie them earlier. However, when I got to the last step, I slipped on the hardwood and fell, slamming my head and back onto the stairs with a curse.

Tobias ran over as I curled up in a ball, grabbing my head.

“Holy shit, Cason! Are you—?”

“I-I’m fine, I’m fine,” I stammered as I felt my eyes sting. 

Crap. 

Tobias leaned over me and tried to get me to look at him. “J…Just grab my bag from the door.”

“No, oh my God.” He scooped me off the steps but as my head fell back, a rush of pain surged to the area and despite trying to keep calm, I shrieked as a tear rolled down my face.

Tobias placed me on the couch and ran to the kitchen, quickly returning with one of the fabric ice packs from the freezer, which he placed on the back of my head.

“H-Hey, don’t cry—it’ll be okay.” He squatted beside me, and I could tell he was freaking out too, but he was better at keeping it under wraps.

“A-Am I bleeding?! Tell me the truth!”

“You’re not bleeding—you’re fine.”

I closed my eyes and kept the ice pack on my head while sitting up and attempting to stand, but Tobias pushed me back.

“What are you doing?” He rolled his eyes. “You just hit your head on the stairs! Rest for a damn second!”

“It’s been a second already—I need to go to work and so do you!”

He sighed. “What’s another day of breaking the cycle, right?” He asked quietly, attempting to lighten the mood.

My eyes widened. Of course, he remembered.

I laid back down on the couch as Tobias sat beside me on the floor. He pulled out his laptop and started working a little and I tried watching him, but when I closed my eyes, I woke up three hours later. I could hear him in another room in a phone meeting and he sounded pissed. It was probably more of what he was talking about yesterday.

I tried sitting up, but my head was still sore, and the room felt like it was spinning. Still, it could be worse.

“Tobias,” I softly called out to him.

He paused on the phone and peeked through the doorway. “Hm? Oh, you ready to go to work now?”

I made my way off the couch and wobbled into the dining room with a nod.

He glared at me. “You sure? You don’t look…well.”

I shrugged. “I’m fine.”

Tobias ran over as I staggered forward and caught me in his arms with a sigh. “Cason, just go back to bed. I need to work, and I don’t have time to babysit you. Use this opportunity to catch up on sleep. You need a break.”

He eventually let go and put his computer away before grabbing some headphones so he could continue listening in on the meeting.

“Make sure to ice on and off and take some Tylenol. Just relax,” He said on his way towards the door, but I tried to run after him, despite my lack of coordination.

“W-Wait—!”

Tobias whipped around and grabbed my shoulders. “Cason, what did I just say? You’re gonna hurt yourself again!” He yelled, though I could tell he was worried. He pinched his temples. “You want me to carry you upstairs?”

I stayed quiet, embarrassed as hell. I didn’t want to fall again but I was tired of making a fool of myself. He had to be sick of me by now. Despite my silence, Tobias effortlessly scooped me up and placed me on my bed after finding my room upstairs. He carefully ruffled my hair with a sigh.

“Want me to come back after work?”

I undid my tie. “I’ll be fine…”

“Alright, well if there’s any issues, you can call me. Or even call 9-1-1.” He mumbled to himself. “I pray you don’t have a concussion.”

I rolled over so my back was facing him as I attempted to undo my buttons that were already buttoned up wrong thanks to my failure at rushing earlier. Tobias watched me struggle for a bit before sitting on my bedside, rolling me back over, and undoing them for me.

I felt like a stupid little kid as he grabbed a T-shirt for me, which I snatched out of his hand after sitting up.

“Did I…do something? Are you mad at me?” He sounded surprised.

I changed my shirt. “Everything’s fine.”

“Cason.”

“Just go. Please. I appreciate your help I just…” I sighed. “We never talk anyway so why do we need to start now? Just go to work, you obviously have more important things to be doing.”

“Yeah, but I’m not gonna prioritize work over your health.”

I laid back down. “You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough about you to know you’ll probably try and find a way to get to work when I leave.”

“I won’t. J-Just leave already, Tobias.”

He took a deep breath and rubbed my back, but I quickly grabbed my pillow and threw it at his face as tears began to sting my eyes. “Just go!!” I finally snapped.

“Ow! Hey! I’m trying to help! I mean, that didn’t really hurt but like—”

“If you want me to rest so badly, why won’t you just leave?! You’re giving me the worst fucking headache! It’s your fault I fell down the stairs anyway!”

“What?!”

I gripped the sheets. “You wouldn’t stop rushing me! I was trying to move as fast as I could!!” I bawled.

“Oh my God… You know that’s the last thing I wanted, right? Forcing you to pay for an Uber when I could just drive you didn’t seem right!” He glanced around. “I wanted to lessen your stress!”

“Just stop looking at me!” I scrunched up in a ball, covering the side of my neck where I knew the marks were. “I’m sick of embarrassing myself in front of you…please.”

“I-Is this about last night?” He asked cautiously and I started burning up.

“No!” I held my face in my hands and my head throbbed. At this point, he knew I liked him. I would say I knew he liked me too, but even with last night, he was impossible to read.

I wasn’t sure if he liked me or if he would’ve fooled around with the closest person to him if I wasn’t there. It wouldn’t be the first time. It all just felt like a big joke and yet, it only made me like him more. It was hard not to. He was on top of me for like ten minutes. I was pissed but I already missed the feeling.

I looked up at Tobias and he looked like he was preparing an apology, but he held his tongue. Eventually, I glared at him long enough for him to leave the room and soon enough, I heard the front door slam shut. I took my pillow off the floor and slowly broke down.

I wanted to be mad at him, but it was my fault. Tobias just came to my job for a photoshoot. It was business and I made it personal. I should’ve kept my mouth shut—I didn’t need to go drinking with him. I should’ve continued to stay in my own lane.

Now I could barely approach him like a normal person. Every time I look at him, I see that horny expression from last night and I can’t concentrate. Truthfully, I wanted it to happen all over again, but I knew that would only make things worse.

The loop I lived in was comforting. I was used to it, even if it was lonely. Trying to spice things up only complicated everything else. I still had to format and edit his business cards, but I had events I was scheduled for this week, and my head hurt too much to do anything.

I passed out again, clearly still trying to catch up on lost sleep, and woke up some time after dusk. The doorbell was ringing again, and I carefully made my way downstairs, no longer in socks, to hopefully prevent any accidents. It was about time that I took some more Tylenol, but I was probably gonna conk right back out anyway.

Once again, Tobias stood on my porch, looking more exhausted than he did after work yesterday. He definitely got on the case with his subordinates. I could tell from the way he stared at me.

“What do you want?” I mumbled sleepily. “I said you didn’t have to come back. You’ve obviously had a long day, just go home.”

“Y…You can tell?”

I shrugged. “Just leave. I’m fine. Why’d you even come by this late? You’re clearly tired and upset.”

He scoffed. “Cuz…you were crying when I left, and that bothered me.”

“What? You think men shouldn’t cry?” I asked with a tone. “You already know I’m a fuckin’ pussy. Don’t act surprised.”

“What the hell, Cason?! I never said that—God! You hit your head on the fucking stairs! I was worried about you all day! You said you were fine, but I knew you were lying.”

I gulped, knowing my face was likely red as hell.

“God fuckin’…” He trailed off. “You know what? Never mind. I’ll leave you alone.”

Tobias turned around to walk down the sidewalk, but I sprinted after him and grabbed his arm.

“Wait!”

He glared at me. “Go back inside or you’ll catch a cold.” The man attempted to shake me off, but I clung to his jacket sleeve. “Oh, what? You like me again? You want me back now?”

“I’m sorry, okay?!” I exclaimed, looking up at him. “My mind’s a mess and I’m so drained…I know that’s not a valid excuse but…”

Tobias finally got me to let go. “Whatever. I don’t care. I’m going home.”

I watched him walk to his house, my bare feet still on the freezing sidewalk. The next morning, he drove me to my office where my car was, but aside from “thanks” and “you’re welcome,” we didn’t speak at all. Eventually, things returned to the status quo. He’d work late, I’d stay up late, and we’d never cross paths, just like before. The only difference, I stopped staring when I saw him in the morning.

I hoped distancing myself would help me get over the fantasies that night brought on, but I couldn’t escape him.