Rose Gold

Thursday morning, I started to understand why Tobias didn’t want to bunk with me. He didn’t get up in the middle of the night for once and wasn’t disruptive, but when I woke to my alarm blaring the same short tune on loop, I noticed him clinging to me in his sleep. I could barely lean over to turn my phone off. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve waited for it to timeout and happily fallen back asleep in his arms, but then that would be the next issue on the table. The drunk mishap had already been acknowledged as well as me snapping at him for calling me a twink. We didn’t need another.

Still, when I finally got my phone to shut up and tried to roll out of bed, Tobias groaned and tightened his grasp on me. I was more weirded out that he wasn’t up before me. His internal clock was usually set for seven, but clearly it had begun to malfunction.

“We have to go to work.” I mumbled with a yawn, still trying to drag myself off the mattress.

He groaned. “…Five more minutes.”

“Tobias.”

He slipped his hand up the front of my shirt which gave me more of a chill than being exposed to the cold air outside of the blanket. “Please.”

I sighed loudly and proceeded to lay there half asleep, staring at the clock on my bedside until I blinked, and it went from 7:15 to 7:48. I stared at the numbers with a dazed expression until I returned to reality and jumped up, scaring Tobias awake.

“Holy shit! We’ve gotta go!”

He stared at me wide-eyed as I raced around my room, grabbing miscellaneous articles of clothing. 

“I’ve got a shooting at 8:30 and the construction on 295 has been causing the worst traffic all week!” 

I slid across the hardwood in my mismatched socks to the bathroom, where I proceeded to run around the second floor with a toothbrush hanging out my mouth. However, once I wrestled my clothes on and looked back in my room, Tobias was still laying there, staring at the ceiling.

I tossed my pajama shirt at him, and he flinched. “Hey!”

“I’m awake.” He groaned.

“What are you doing?!”

“I’ll get up in a second, just…” He sighed and waved me away. 

I stood in the doorway, dumbfounded before scoffing, running downstairs to make my lunch and booking it out of the house. Luckily, Google Maps gave me an alternate to get to the studio on time. I was still running on adrenaline from my “five extra minutes” mishap but by noon I finally stopped vibrating like I had six cups of coffee.

I pulled out my phone and texted Tobias since my next client had rescheduled to later in the afternoon.

Cason: Hey, you free for lunch?

I stared at the screen for a while with no response, and when I called him, it went to voicemail. He was probably in a meeting, but I was bored and had already finished eating so I stopped by my favorite café at the end of the street and made my way to his office. My lunch was barely a lunch—water bottle, peanut butter crackers, and a singular slice of bread—but it was better than nothing. However, I didn’t have enough time to make one for Tobias, and I knew I’d be starving again by three.

I parked in the same weird lot as before and walked into the lobby with both bags of food, waiting for the pretty mirrored elevator. I did happen to have my camera with me this time around, but my daydream of all the cool photos we could take was interrupted when the doors finally opened.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Matthew asked who seemed both angered and amused by my presence. Although his hair was too short for it now, he still tried to tie it back into a tiny ponytail. It disrupted the spiffy vibe he and his navy suit were giving off.

“U-Um, I’m on my lunch break.” 

The man left the elevator and we both stood awkwardly on the lobby’s marble tile which felt horrible with dress shoes. I was guaranteed to bust my ass.

Matthew squinted at me. “You don’t work here though.”

I switched hands with the bags. “Y…Yeah. I was coming to see if Tobias was free, is all. He didn’t pick up, so I assumed he was in a meeting, but he usually ends up answering my texts around one. And I didn’t get a chance to make his lunch this—”

“Tobias isn’t here.”

“I—what?”

Matthew shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck. “He’s not here. I tried calling him a few minutes ago.” It was weird to see him worried. “No answer.”

I sat the bags on the plant partition.

Did he never get up?

Even if he fell back asleep, you’d assume he’d be awake by now.

“I have no idea what the fuck’s going on with him, dude.” The man sighed. “And I usually always know what’s going on.”

I wanted to take him seriously, but after the last time, I was skeptical about every word and expression of his. 

“He’s…definitely not an open book,” I muttered. “What’s there to not know, though? He’s homeless and he’s stressed.”

“Yeah, but it’s the details that matter! Without the details, no one can even try and help him!”

“Well, he’s lonely.” I tensed up. “That’s one. But I’ve temporarily solved that.”

Matthew rolled his eyes. “I doubt you’re really filling the void in his heart that’s been there since grade school.”

“I can at least try!”

He scoffed. “That’s what I’m for. And I’m doing a hell of a good job. Trust me, stick to your photos. I’m helping him in ways that you can’t.”

I scrunched up my nose. “Dude, why do you have to be such an ass to me? I barely know you! Geez!”

Matthew shrugged and adjusted his suit jacket. “Scaring you away is the only way to save you. Tobias is a handful to deal with.”

“Maybe that’s because you don’t know how to actually help him.”

He smirked. “Oh, what? And you do?”

I glared at him and eventually Matthew sighed and wiped his face. “Truthfully, I’m on edge too. He won’t talk about a damn thing even when he needs to. Like…” He looked off to the side as a door closed. “If it weren’t for me, he probably would’ve spent the night here yesterday. I noticed his office light was still on but when I went in? Boom—passed out at his desk.”

“Holy shit.”

“He’s lucky it was just me that saw him.” Matthew rubbed his arm, sighing. “It’s like he’s in another world.”

“You’re probably not wrong. The world as he knew it has practically been flipped upside down.” I stared at the bags and grabbed one, handing it to Matthew.

“You want this? Even if I drive home to check on him, it’ll be cold by then, that is if he’s even there…”

The faux blond examined the bag before grabbing it. “Yeah, sure.” He exhaled and sat on the couch in the lobby.  I followed him, unsure what to do with myself. Hell, I could still eat. Matthew unwrapped the carry-out utensils as he pulled out the container and sat it on the glass coffee table.

“I just wish he’d let me help him.” Matthew mumbled. “It pisses me off so much, sometimes to a point where I don’t even care what happens to him. One minute it feels like it’s his own fault, and the next I’m dying to lend a hand.” He shoveled a forkful of salad into his mouth.

“I can only assume at this point that it’s family shit,” Matthew went on. “That and the fire, of course. When he’s not working, he’s either trying to file claims, researching nursing home…? Oh, and his new thing is leaving himself memos—he stares at these notes in his drawer all the damn time.”

I stuffed my mouth full of food so I couldn’t add to the conversation. If I had to guess, those were my lunch notes.

“Do you know about his family?”

He glanced at me. “No. Well, somewhat. I know it’s messy.” The man sighed. “I wish I did. He never fucking listens to me or talks to me—I just have to do my own digging. Just…” He stared at me sadly. “He listens to my actions but maybe you can use your words to actually…get somewhere.” He rolled his eyes.

“You’re…really worried about him.”

“Is that a problem?” He squinted at me. “We go way back. It’d be weird if I didn’t.”

“What’s weird is y’all going way back and yet me knowing more about the guy…” I muttered while gnawing on my fork.

“You wanna say that again?”

I scoffed. “I just—! There’s probably a reason why he’s reluctant to tell you shit. Maybe he wants to keep things professional.”

The man smirked. “Oh, we’re way past that, Pretty Boy. But sure, I’ll take that as his excuse for now until next week. You know what I think would be a stellar idea?”

I rolled my eyes. “He wants to stay with me.”

“Yeah, yeah, so he says. But you don’t deserve to handle all this Tobias baggage.” He leaned back on the couch, placing his hands behind his head. “I can take him out of your hair and then you’ll have some space and time to er…say, visit him. And while visiting him you can visit me.”

I squinted at him in confusion.

“He’s in the way. He’s gonna drag you down with his—I don’t know—trauma.” He laughed awkwardly. “We could just chill.”

“Are you flirting with me?” I held back a gag. “I’m not into you.”

“You’re into Tobias, right?” He smirked. “Hot, well-dressed, rich—well, take a look around. Tobias doesn’t fit your type anymore, but hey! You’re lucky his assistant’s a borderline clone.”

I was baffled that he even had the balls to say such shit. However, I was glad we had this coffee table between us, otherwise I’m sure he’d be leaning in and getting… ‘handsy.’ To me it seemed like he was all talk, but I’m sure Tobias made a solid accusation since he’s known him longer.

“I…don’t even have words.”

Matthew laughed. “I’m good at taking people’s breath away!”

I frowned.

“The hell are you mad for? It’s not like you’re dating anyone!”

“And how the hell would you know?!”

The man grinned. “C’mon, Casey, look at you. You’re single. It’s beyond obvious.”

“Don’t call me that. At least ‘Toby’ is still a guy’s name.”

Matthew chuckled. “Scared of a girly sounding nickname, are we? Are you scared it’ll keep pushing your twink agenda that you’re doing an awful job at hiding? Try throwing away all your fuckin’ hair dye.”

I quickly stood up and grabbed my half-empty food container, placing it back in one of the bags. “I could say the same for you! I can’t believe for a second, I actually thought you had a heart.I-I don’t have to take this from you.”

“What? I can’t be worried about my friend and flirt at the same time?” He rolled his eyes. “It’s called coping. No wonder you’re single…”

“Fuck you!”

“Watch your mouth.” He glared up at me with a smile. “We’re in a place of work.”

I huffed and quickly stomped out of the building back to my car. I sat in the driver’s seat while blasting the heat as I finished the rest of my lunch. Staring at Matthew for too long was bound to make me lose my appetite. Despite also having dyed hair, he didn’t come off as a fruit to me. I wasn’t sure if he was flirting just to be annoying, or if he was serious.

However, if I asked, that would only make him think I was interested.

It was clear he had some kind of thing for Tobias but at least they knew each other. Technically, both of them were still strangers to me. God forbid Tobias really open up, or at least accept that he was struggling and get a therapist. If need be, I’d even temporarily pay for it.

Last thing I wanted was to look up…and have him not be there. I was determined to help him get back on his feet though I was starting to realize how unrealistic that was.

In the same way I thought joining the SGA in middle school would let me improve everyone’s academic life. Study hall, coach classes, frequent events, recess—which should’ve never ended in elementary—meanwhile, all I ended up with was getting some teachers to stay after for coach class.

However, coach class is useless if your teacher still didn’t help you in a way that was effective. Hence, the staffing was the issue, which thirteen-year-old Cason could not fix. No one learns the same way, but no one wanted to listen to me. No one ever wanted to take me seriously. I guess that’s why Tobias had a high-level job in education to ensure shit would get done. His RBF makes him impossible to read so you’re forced to work as hard as possible so you won’t have to worry about him finding a replacement.

Or at least that’s what I like to imagine.

I’d yet to see him in action and he was clearly stressed, but I wonder how he made impressions on others that didn’t have a raging crush on him.

I eventually drove back to the studio and worked with my other clients, despite how badly I wanted to stop home. However, as the evening died down and I cleaned up my equipment, my phone buzzed.

Tobias: Sorry. Today’s been busy.

Texted Tobias, replying to my earlier question hours later. 

Cason: Oh, no worries! Did you make it to work alright tho?

Tobias: Yeah. Thank you.

I stared at the screen, dumbfounded.

He lied.

I placed my camera back in its bag and set the strap on my shoulder.

Cason: Yeah?

Tobias: Yeah. I’ll probably beat you home though :) Traffic is pretty light on my side

I sighed and put my phone in my pocket before grabbing the rest of my belongings and returning to the car. When I pulled up to my house, I walked around for a bit, worried that I may have missed something. However, his car was still perfectly parked next to mine. Maybe I was thinking too hard, but I always noticed the stupidest, tiny details like how the bean-shaped rock under his tire was still in the same spot. I’m sure backing over it would’ve shifted it slightly.

Still, I exhaled and walked up the steps, letting myself into the house. I dropped my things by the door before removing my jacket and unbuttoning my shirt since I never had time to put on a tie this morning. If I rushed when putting one on, it’d become a knot.

The living room was empty, and the house was eerily silent, but when I walked into the kitchen after kicking off my shoes, I could hear the TV on in the basement. The door was cracked so I quietly squeezed through and tip-toed down the steps. I’m not sure why I began to act like I was on a stealth mission, but now it felt weird to move at a normal pace.

I stood at the bottom of the stairs and saw part of Tobias as he lay on the couch, watching a movie with way too many explosions. I moved over to the armrest behind him and stuck my fingers in his hair, expecting him to flinch, but he barely stirred. I leaned over him, and we locked eyes.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” He smiled up at me.

“I didn’t scare you?”

He chuckled softly. “No. I mean, I didn’t hear you come in but…no.” The man rolled onto his back and continued staring up at me from a different angle so he wouldn’t end up with a neck cramp.

The basement was pitch black, aside from the light coming from the TV, though as we started talking, he turned down the volume. 

“How was your day?” I asked as I reached around for one of the standing lamps in the dark.

“…Fine. I’m just glad it’s Friday.” He sighed. “You?”

“It was alright.” I flicked the light on, standing across the room from him. “Would’ve been better if you were at the office when I came to visit you, though.”

Tobias hesitated for a while and I noticed the small collection of bottles on the end table, along with a singular shot glass. His laptop was on the floor next to one of his work bags, but I was more concerned about him seemingly raiding my liquor cabinet. Not that I cared—I never had many reasons to drink fancy stuff—but still…

“I was there. I was in a meeting.” He scoffed quietly, staring at the TV.

I walked over and stood in front of him. “No, you weren’t. Matthew told me.”

Tobias rolled his eyes. “I told you not to listen to him.”

Now that I was closer to him, I could tell he reeked of booze, but he was good at acting sober. Then again, I wasn’t asking him questions that required much thought. I squinted at him.

“Hm, I don’t know. I doubt he’d be that worried and agitated if you were in the office with him.” I crossed my arms and stared at his pajamas. “You sure as hell don’t look like you just got home from work.” I glanced at the clock. “Even before you started living here, I’d get home from work before you and we take two different routes. Now that I’ve actually driven to your office, I know there aren’t currently any highways you can switch to that won’t have construction related traffic.”

Tobias stared at me, sweaty. He looked guilty. “O-Okay, Nosy.” He crossed his arms and turned to face the cushions, so his back was to me. His ears were red. “Who cares when or how I get home? What? Do I have a fuckin’ curfew?” He mumbled.

“Tobias—”

“Just get off my ass and go back upstairs and do whatever it is you do on Fridays,” He whispered. “I don’t get why my workday matters this much to you. It’s your fault for talking to Matthew anyway—he’ll make everything confusing.” He started scrunching up into a ball. “Why the fuck did you come to my job in the first place? We live in the same house, shouldn’t that satisfy your gay stalking tendencies—”

“I wanted to bring you lunch, you asshole!” I shouted and grabbed his sleeve, forcing him to look at me. “Why the hell are you being mean to me?!” I snapped as he frantically sat up straight and retracted into the cushions. “I felt bad that I didn’t get to make you lunch before I left so I bought you one from that café on the corner by my studio! Oh my God!”

Tobias gulped.

“I drove to your office around when you’re normally on your lunch break and ran into Matthew on the elevator who said you never fuckin’ came in!” I clenched my fists. “I didn’t want it to go to waste so I ended up eating with him in the lobby…but do you know how worried I was about you?! All I ever try to do is help! I was just trying to be a good friend!”

I looked away. “And then you just go and fuckin’ lie to me and then accuse me of being the problem. And yet here you are, drunk off your ass in the same thing you were wearing last night.”

“I’m not drunk.”

“Then stand up!” I grabbed his arm and yanked him off the couch, scoffing as he wobbled frantically once on his feet. “I can literally smell the alcohol on your breath!” I held him upright. “I don’t know what the hell your deal is, but I’m not gonna let you fuckin’ drink yourself to death in my basement! You can mope—I don’t care—but I’m not gonna let you give up!”

“I’m not!” Tobias pushed me away but quickly latched back onto me as he lost his balance. “I-I was just having a moment—”

“How hard would it have been to have just texted me the truth, huh?” I asked softly. “Not even face-to-face. I can’t help you if you’re not honest.”

I watched as his eyes began to water and he looked around the basement. I sat him back down with a sigh.

“I’m just…tired.” He muttered.

“I told you that you needed a break! But you can’t just randomly not show up to work without contacting anyone.”

“Why would I need to tell you?”

“Not me!” I huffed and sat beside him. “Matthew! You two work together. You can’t just leave him in the dark. He was worried about you too.”

“Yeah right…” Tobias mumbled under his breath. “I’ll be back on Monday. And I already did some work.” He stared at his computer on the floor.

“Sober?”

“Somewhat. Yeah. I just kinda…” He combed his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know, okay? My head hurts and I’m sweaty and everything just feels blurry…”

I stared at Tobias as he examined his hands. “That’s probably because you’re dehydrated.” I sighed. “Were you this drunk when we…?”

“God, no. That was just a few too many beers.” He leaned his head back on the couch and glanced at the table. “I don’t even know what all that is.”

I clenched my jaw.

Yikes.

“Do you think you’ll remember tomorrow?”

“I dunno.” He shrugged, staring at me sideways as his eyes glazed over me. “Why? You wanna sleep with me?”

I tensed up. “No.”

He closed his eyes. “M’kay. You can say yes, I won’t judge.”

I groaned and slouched, sinking into the cushions. “Shut up…” I mumbled. “You’re a fuckin’ mess.”

Tobias sat up and gave me a sad smile. “Yeah. And it’s funny that you think you can fix me.”

“I’m not trying to fix you,” I sighed and stood up, making my way to the pantry closet at the bottom of the stairs. I grabbed a water bottle and handed it to my shitfaced friend after returning to the couch. “You’re not broken. You’re just going through some shit. It happens to all of us.” I returned to his side and combed my fingers through his hair. “You just need to work through it. And that’s what I’m trying to help you with.”

Tobias leaned into my hand, staring into space as I rested it on his cheek. 

“No one expects you to go through this stuff alone. It’s only been a week since it happened. It’s not gonna be fast or easy because, hell, it was traumatic, but I’m here to hold your hand through it all.” I chuckled. “I don’t know jack, but I can at least try, y’know?”

I rubbed his cheek, but he continued to stare elsewhere, quiet.

“Tobias?”

I stared at his foggy emerald eyes and sighed, removing my hand, but he grabbed my sleeve as I leaned back.

“N-No, sorry. I was listening. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. You’re exhausted and not in the right headspace for anything.” I said softly and stood up, but he proceeded to hold my hand. “You want me to help you get ready for bed? I know it’s early but…that’s probably good for you. I could heat up some leftovers too. What do you want?”

Tobias proceeded to sit there staring at our hands, unresponsive again. I wasn’t sure what to do aside from standing there, but I wanted to go to bed too. That or at least put on some damn sweatpants. I often stayed up late on Fridays but I was exhausted this time around and desperately needed some dinner.

However, when I attempted to get Tobias to let go of me, I noticed him crying a little. The tears were erratic and slow, but the moment he noticed me looking at him, he wiped his face and let go.

“Sure.”

I chuckled softly. “Eh…I didn’t really ask a yes or no question. ‘Sure’ to…what?”

His ears turned red. “I-I don’t know. Don’t go upstairs.”

“Why?” I laughed a little. “I’m still in my work clothes.”

“Then take them off down here, I don’t care.” He rolled his eyes. “I’ve seen you shirtless before. Just don’t—”

Tobias finally let go, allowing me to walk into the back of the basement to change. “I get it if you don’t wanna be alone, but you just can sleep in my room again.” I began. The outfit I changed into didn’t match, but at least it was comfortable. “Are you trying to sleep down here now?” I asked awkwardly as I returned to his side.

All the man did was shrug.

“Can I ask you something?”

He glanced at me. “Okay.”

“You think you still would’ve overslept if you had stayed in the guest room?”

“There’s no telling.” He frowned. “Getting to sleep and staying asleep is a fifty-fifty chance. There’s a decent chance I may have woken up around four and gave up trying to fall back asleep.”

“Man…” I sighed as I glanced at the TV, still trying to figure out what the hell was going on in this movie. “Maybe you need to try some different medicine. Or maybe even meditation. I have this app on my phone that does guided meditations. It might be worth a shot.”

Tobias didn’t seem too pressed. He continued to stare into space. “Maybe. I mean the first time I got a full eight hours was because I had you.”

I chuckled softly. “I mean, whatever works. I enjoy the company.” I patted my lap, but he took it as an invitation to lay on my legs. I flinched but continued to caress him since it seemed to calm him down. “I-I’m just worried about shoving you off the bed in my sleep.”

Tobias smiled with his eyes closed. “That’s fine.”

“Until it isn’t,” I snickered. “Anyway, let’s use this weekend as another reset. I don’t have any errands to run but I’m sure we could make up something.” I rubbed his ears while thinking. It was nice seeing his face from this angle, especially since he was so close to me. 

“You have really long eyelashes…” I muttered as he peeked at me.

“Mm.”

The longer he stared at me, the more embarrassed I felt so I fixed my gaze back on the TV. “Since today didn’t work out, we could go out to lunch. Or maybe dinner.”

“I um…have plans.”

“Oh.” I bit my lip. “Like, your own errands? I’d be happy to drive you around again or even ride in your car!” I chuckled.

“Eh, it’s more of a solo mission.” I watched his ears turn red. “But dinner might work.”

“Well, that’s a start. Speaking of dinner, I’m still starving so…” I tried to move but Tobias kept laying on me. “Aren’t you? You should eat something to sober up.”

“I’m fine.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re not fine—you can’t even stand. We’ve been over this.” However, as I tried to get up, Tobias hugged me with his head still on my legs.

“Just five more minutes. Please.” He looked so sad. “You’re really warm…and your clothes feel nice on my face, and you smell good.” He held me tighter. “That sounded weird. Sorry. I kinda just heard myself—”

I laughed. “No, it’s okay! But trust me, I’m not a good pillow when I’m hangry. You can lay on me all you want when we get all the way upstairs. I-I don’t really care.” I grinned as he finally rolled off my lap.

“You won’t find that weird?”

I chuckled, stretching as I got to my feet. “Eh. You’re shitfaced so your entire aura is weird right now.” I helped him up. “The only thing that strikes me as weird is that despite being so drunk, you haven’t made a move on me. Again. Maybe it’s cuz you’re sad…” I mumbled under my breath as Tobias gave me a confused look.

“Do you want me to make a move on you?”

I waved my hands around. “Not at all! It’s just—”

“Then why do you keep bringing it up?” He asked as I helped him over to the stairs. He could only take one step at a time like a toddler, but it was adorable. Nevertheless, he quickly got tired and stopped halfway up, laying on the rest of them.

“I-I don’t know…” I sighed. “It was just so unusual, is all. It still kinda boggles my mind,” I mumbled.

Tobias looked away. “Why? I already apologized…though I still feel like shit about the whole thing.” He leaned on his arms, examining the carpet. “Especially when all I really did was kiss you.”

“Okay yeah! But if getting laid had some sort of timestamp or expiration date, I think I’d reverted back to being a virgin by now since it’s been so long…”

He raised his eyebrows, and I felt my face burning up. “It’s because a little goes a long way with me! It’s hard not to think about when that’s the most action I’ve gotten in years…even if it was a drunk mistake that lasted five minutes tops.”

Tobias sat up. “…Wow.”

I cleared my throat and stood up, helping him up the rest of the steps. “As if you really need to know anything else about me…” I finished. “Every time I have a conversation with you, I manage to embarrass myself. Meanwhile, you refuse to take the spotlight and even it out.”

Once in the kitchen, I started digging through the fridge as Tobias unsteadily found the floor again and sat on the tile.

“I haven’t had sex in a year and three months.”

I whipped around, astonished.

“I got tired of flings and started hoping I could have a real relationship first before moving on to the rest, but since I don’t do relationships well, it put a halt on the whole thing. And then I kinda gave up.” He laid on the tile, avoiding my gaze as I started warming up some spaghetti. “Well, I was already on the verge of giving up and then my house burnt down, and I lost hope for everything. I’m kinda undesirable right now. And it’ll take ages to get back on my feet anyways.”

The room was silent until the microwave beeped.

“Wow.”

“See, I can be gross and embarrassing too. If you get me drunk, you can ask me anything.”

I rolled my eyes and took out his plate, but he didn’t seem too keen on moving again, so I put a placemat on the floor for him before warming up my own and joining him on the tile.

“Yeah, but I don’t want you to tell me because you’re drunk and have no filter. I want you to be willing to talk sober. Is that really too much to ask for?”

“Yes.” He mumbled, blowing on his food.

“Oh my God…”

“What the fuck do you want me to say, huh?” He glanced at me as his face grew redder. “W-What the hell are you dying to know? You wanna know how I was the problem child wherever I went? How I could never get noticed in the way I wanted, no matter what I did? How I was forced to go to an all-boy’s catholic high school to ‘fix’ me?” He gripped his fork. 

“I helped the community, and no one cared. Did countless extracurriculars and joined way too many clubs on top of having a job and keeping straight As and trying out internships and yet the people who I wanted to notice me, never did. I don’t open up because it’s a waste of time.” He went on. “Back then I would only feel worse and the same goes for today. If I have an issue, I have to solve it on my own. That’s what I’ve been used to doing for my entire fucking life.” 

His voice cracked and he leaned against the cabinets with his plate in his lap. “And if you hate that, I’m sorry. It’s how I’m programmed—to take responsibility for everything because if I want something done or fixed or different, it’s easiest to take charge. I don’t need help and even if I did, I’m sure I’d figure it out on my own because that’s just what I do. That’s all I know how to do.”  He paused before shoveling food back in his face. “Because I was taught that I wasn’t worth help.”

“Tobias—”

“Don’t.” He glanced at me. “Just…don’t. I don’t just talk about myself because everything’s a sob story that no one needs to hear.”

I scooted beside him and leaned on his shoulder. “That’s not true.”

“Who cares?” He tensed up, moving his plate while pulling his knees to his chest. “What the hell do you need that information for? To find more reasons to feel bad about me? I…” He sighed shakily. “I love…who you are. How you are. How selfless you are, how you place yourself in other people’s shoes and treat everyone like family it seems…” He stared at me teary eyed as I sat up. “It’s nice. But you shouldn’t try to be everyone’s savior. I know it’s exhausting.”

“…A little. Yeah. But—”

“Just focus on you. You want a happy ending? You want a boyfriend or a husband or a cute dog or, I don’t know—a fancy car or exotic vacation—hell if I know! But you should focus on that!”

I rubbed his arm. “Tobias, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I focus on myself more than you might think. I’m glad I have the opportunity to lend a hand to someone I care about.”

“Yeah, well you might need to start wishing to become half-octopus cuz you’re gonna need way more than two…”

I chuckled. “I’m okay with that. I’ll get bionic ones if need be!”

Tobias laughed softly, though you could still see the tears in his eyes on top of his unsteady breathing. I stood up and placed our plates in the sink as he continued to sit on the ground. 

“Hey, can you promise me something?”

He looked up. “Probably not, no. I’m drunk.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, yeah, but can you at least try? Just…I know it’s uncomfortable, but can you at least try to open up a little more? And talk to me? Even when you’re sober. Trust me, it’ll feel nice to get the words out to someone willing and happy to listen. And help…if you want help.” I smiled a little. “I know we’re already in each other’s business a whole bunch but maybe I could be in yours a bit more.”

Tobias shrugged. “Maybe.”

I squatted beside him. “Pinky-promise that you’ll at least try. That’s all I’m asking.”

He stared at my hand. “Cason. If you really learn about me, I don’t think you’ll like me anymore.”

I scoffed. “Yeah, right. We’re friends, man. You almost fucked me in your car, and I’m still cool with you. I think you’ll be fine.”

Tobias laughed softly and finally linked his pinky with mine. “Then you have to promise to stop bringing that up.”

“Why? Does it freak you out or something? Ooo, you afraid of doing it again?” I asked with a spooky tone, and he rolled his eyes. 

“Shut up. I just hate that night.” He paused. “That’s a lie. I loved that night. I just hate how it ended up…”

“We could have a redo!” I beamed, “Though I’m not even sure what that entails.”

“Eh, who cares. We can just hang out again. And now we’re doing that until further notice, so I guess it works.” Tobias stared at our pinkies that were still linked before shifting his hand to interlace his fingers with mine. He smiled at our hands, but there was still a hint of sadness behind his eyes. I hoped that one day that hint would fade away indefinitely. Still, I don’t think we’d ever get there if he didn’t come clean about whatever else had been hanging on his shoulders.

It wasn’t just the fire. 

He underwent countless stress that led up to the accident. The mixture is what eventually sent him over the edge.

I just had to do a little digging.