Rose Gold

The following workday, Tobias got up before me. He was already on his way out the door before I even had shoes on but he doubled back to grab my tie, pull me in, and kiss me before leaving for work. I stood in the doorway frozen as I watched him pull off. Who needed a cup of coffee when I had him doing shit like that?

Before I even finished getting ready for work, I texted Mason. I had a slight hunch that he had something to do with it. Just like with his mom, maybe Tobias saw an inch of my family and decided he’d be cool involving himself with my wack-ass gene pool. If I didn’t know any better, I’d be fully convinced that I had been dreaming for the past two days. Hell, even my coworkers could tell I was being more “Cason” than usual.

It was impossible to hide.

I kept assuming the high would eventually fade but since Tobias would always return to my house at the end of the day, I couldn’t get over him. We never brought up exactly what we were doing, as it had only been a few days, but it fueled me for most of the week. I had no clue if he was finally my boyfriend, but I wasn’t pressed about it. I was just happy that he was visibly in a good mood for multiple days in a row. And I was proud to be the man behind the curtain that influenced it all.

When I returned home Friday evening, I was still smooth sailing after a good workday and immediately got started on dinner. Now that our friendship had grown into something slightly more interesting, I was even more thrilled about the weekend. I had no errands to run but more alone time with Tobias that wasn’t interrupted by work could always be good, especially now. A blizzard was also in the forecast, so we’d be trapped in the house for at least a few days and that was bound to be noteworthy.

I knew Tobias would likely get off early but as I stood in front of the stove, I noticed it was already a quarter past six. I checked my phone and there weren’t any missed calls or texts, aside from Mason and Adrian responding to my info dumps from earlier in the day.

I pulled up Tobias’ contact and tapped it with my elbow since my hands were covered in the rest of the marinade that I mistakenly spilled on the counter.

“Hey,” He answered as I put him on speaker phone, though I could hear a bit of commotion in the background.

“Hi!” I yelled across the kitchen while attempting to wash my hands. “Are you stuck in traffic?”

“Hm? No, why?”

I muted myself for a second so he wouldn’t be deafened by the faucet running.

“Cason?”

I attempted to hit the button again, only to hang up by mistake. I eventually gave in and cleaned up my general area, immediately calling him back so I could use my hands. When he answered again, he was laughing into the mic and even though he wasn’t in front of me, it still made my face heat up.

“Hi, sorry! Multitasking!” I held my phone close to my mouth while leaning on the counter.

He chuckled. “No surprise there. You okay?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah! I’m cool!” I squatted and started fixing my hair in the reflection of the oven door while waiting for the pot of rice to boil on the back burner. “You’re just usually home by now. Especially on Fridays.”

“Shit.” He paused, sighing. “Shit, yeah. I’m sorry.”

I laughed awkwardly. “Are…you okay?”

He hesitated again. “I’m fine.” There was a longer pause and eventually the noise in the background subsided. “I’m at Matthew’s place,” He mumbled, and I froze, making eye contact with my reflection. “He’s been a pain in the ass recently, but he promised he’d—I don’t know—tone it down if we had dinner.”

“O-Oh.”

“There was a bit of a mix-up at the office so I honestly just got here, but I shouldn’t be coming home too late. Then again,” He mumbled. “He’s not even finished cooking yet.”

I got back to my feet and turned the fire down. “Oh. That’s cool.” I rubbed my face and stared at one of my oven timers. One was for the rice, and I had a handheld, cat-shaped one that was keeping track of the chicken.

“Yeah…” He sighed. “Sorry, I meant to tell you but,” He chuckled. “Well, he texted me about it back on Wednesday, but I got distracted.”

“Nah, no worries! Just—!” I rocked on my heels. “The weather’s supposed to be really shitty tonight, is all. So, just stay safe, especially on the roads.”

“Can do.”

“Then again, if worst comes to worst, you could stay the night at Matthew’s. I’d rather you be inside than outside.”

Tobias groaned. “Eh, I’ll make sure it doesn’t come to that.”

“Well, I’m just glad you’re not like…stranded on the side of the road or asleep at your desk.” I laughed.

“Yeah, yeah. I appreciate you checking on me. I’ll text you when I’m on my way home.”

“Okay!” I beamed. “Tell Matthew I say hi. Or don’t,” I snickered. “Good luck.”

He scoffed. “Thanks.”

When Tobias hung up, I sat my phone back on the counter and kept cooking. Sure, he was having dinner someplace else, but I still needed sustenance. I wasn’t gonna stop just because he wouldn’t be at the table with me. I could temporarily pretend that it was like the before-times, Cason Samwell, party of one. That or imaginary party of two where Tobias is my date, of course.

After about thirty minutes, all my sides were finished so I sat in the basement while rewatching old movies from when I was a teenager. I didn’t have the motivation or brain space to start a new show to keep up with, especially since half the new things on Netflix gave me second-hand embarrassment. Either that or the plotline was a hot mess.

It was a bit relaxing to finally have the house to myself again. I could take up three cushions on the couch without feeling bad, veg out in old pajamas that looked awful despite feeling fantastic, and eat a whole container of sorbet all by myself. Honestly, most of my embarrassing habits were food related—licking the plate, eating everything with my hands, rarely cutting my food—but on the upside, I knew how to act in public. My house was my own space to act like a fool.

Still, Tobias had become used to some of that by now. Eventually I’d slip up and he’d catch me doing some weird shit, but I tried to uphold the fact that my parents raised me well. However, while I liked basking in my eccentricity, I missed having Tobias around to give me weird looks or just laugh at me softly. 

It quickly became lonely. 

Hours later, I woke up from a food coma, upside down on the couch. Netflix’s autoplay had struck and I had no clue what was on, but eventually my eyes focused and I could read the clock, despite my misaligned position.

8:16

I blinked slowly.

Huh.

I heard my phone ringing upstairs in the kitchen and slowly rolled off the couch, but when I was finally upright, I froze.

That’s 9:18, not 8:16. 

That was almost a Thanksgiving-grade food coma.

And yet, my house was still way too quiet. I stumbled up the steps, still trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes and leaned out of the dining room, staring at the front door. None of Tobias’ belongings were there. It was still “Cason-droppings” central.

I ran to the window by the dining room and was instantly mesmerized by the diagonal pattern of falling snowflakes, but I heard my ringtone again and was quickly brought back to reality. I returned to the kitchen, now noticing that I never got around to cleaning up the aftermath, but I couldn’t be bothered.

I noticed Tobias’ contact and quickly picked it up after realizing I had already had missed like seven calls from him. I walked back to the front door and opened it, combing my fingers through my hair as I noticed the flurries sticking to the roads already.

“Tobias—?”

“Cason?” He panted into the phone. “Cason!!”

“Y-Yes? What’s going on? Are you—”

“P-Please come pick me up!” He begged, clearly hyperventilating, hinting a potential panic attack. “I want—I’m trapped and can’t drive, I can’t move, please—” 

“Hey, slow down! What do you mean you’re trapped?” I closed the door slightly and ran upstairs, switching into pants that were more suitable for the public.

Tobias continued to ramble, but I couldn’t understand half of what he was saying. His slur speech maybe it clear that he was under the influence of something, but who knew if it were drugs or alcohol. All I could pick up was that he was crying. The possibility of him being drunk wasn’t much of a surprise, but the continuous sobbing was worrying me.

“Tobias, what’s going on? Where are you, even? Are you outside?!”

“I-I’m on his couch, h…he’s…bathroom—he’ll be back in minutes! Home! I wanna go home, Cason!!” He bawled. “I don’t know what he’s gonna do when he comes back but I miss you and I’m scared and I wanna go home!” He whimpered, and I could tell he was trying to whisper while holding the mic close to his face, but it wasn’t working too well. “…touch me again…he’s gonna…I can’t do this anymore! I’m so scared!!”

“What?!” I took a deep breath. “Holy shit—alright, alright! It’ll be okay! I’m on my way.” I ran back downstairs and threw my sneakers on before grabbing my keys and running to the car. I was already down the street when I realized I forgot to bring a jacket.

“Where do I need to be going? Can you text me the address?” I asked as the call connected to the car. “Just drop a pin.”

I stopped at an intersection, waiting for the text or at least a verbal response. I could still hear him crying, but now there was muffled talking in the background.

“Tobias?”

In seconds, the call dropped. Or maybe he ended it himself—it was hard to tell.

Although the light had turned green, I continued to stare at my phone, puzzled. It didn’t matter though, it was nine at night, it was snowing, and no one was on the road. Still, I felt weird clogging the middle of the empty street, so I pulled onto the highway in the direction of Tobias’ job. A few minutes later, the address finally came in and I pulled up the route on my phone.

I hoped the radio would calm my mind, but the announcers going over how horrendous the snowstorm was going to be only freaked me out more. I was better off driving in silence. While I didn’t love it, I could drive at night or in the rain, but I hated driving in the snow and it being pitch black out here on top of that was not a good mix.

When I was in my house, it was fine, but now I could barely see. I felt like I was in a snow globe.

In about twenty minutes, I arrived at my “destination,” which was another house. It was in one of the rich parts of town that was filled with single-family homes that were borderline mansions, and to my luck, it had to be an area with a lack of streetlights. I parked in the driveway and ran what felt like a mile up to the door, ringing the doorbell.

Not only did I hope this was the right address, but I was praying whoever lived here would come to the door quickly since I was only in a tank top and jeans. I only had enough brain cells to switch out of my pajama pants, I guess.

I held my arms on the porch and quickly looked up from the snow collecting on my converse when I was submerged in light from the inside of the house. Matthew raised an eyebrow and opened the storm door, but only enough to talk to me as he clearly wasn’t interested in letting me inside.

“What the hell are you doing on my porch?”

“I-I don’t know!” I tensed up. “Can I come inside? It’s fucking freezing out here!”

Matthew glanced behind him. “I’m kinda busy. Trust me, it’s always a blessing to see your freckled face, but I’m a occupied right now.” The blond didn’t seem like his usual flirty self, and that was adding to my discomfort. His serious side was intimidating as hell. 

“You’d be a distraction.” He finished, staring me down. “Feel free to stop by another day, though.”

Matthew went to close me out, but I used my foot as a door stopper and grabbed his arm. “W-Wait! Do you know where Tobias is?”

“No.”

“What?!” My heart dropped. “Fuck!” I grabbed my hair as a bunch of snow fell off the strands.

He rolled his eyes. “Is that it? It’s Friday and I’d like to decompress.”

I swallowed heavily and stared past him into the house. Even from the porch, the layout was weird, but I noticed Tobias’ shoes by a chair in what looked like a dining room, but there was too much other furniture in there to be sure. There was no other reason Tobias would send me his address, especially since this is where he was supposedly going for dinner.

I inhaled sharpy and leaned past Matthew, calling his name since his friend looked like he’d kill me if I took another step. Yelling for Tobias was already pushing it.

“Cason, go home.” He began to politely shove me back into the snow.

“No!! I need to find him!” I glanced at him. “Tobias!”

Matthew fully pushed me outside and closed the door behind him as he continued to block me. “You know, you are cute, but I’m tired and I will shoot you if you don’t get off my porch.”

“W-What?!” I staggered back. “What are you, a fuckin’ redneck?!”

He snickered. “No. I’m just not in the mood for anyone’s bullshit right now and technically, you’re trespassing.”

I gulped, watching as Matthew turned around and grabbed the door, but just as he pulled it open, Tobias came stumbling out into the snow. I would’ve fallen if it weren’t for the railing behind me as he immediately crashed into my side.

Matthew quickly lost his shit and tried to pull him back, but I was too much in the way and Tobias was too slippery. He slid down the icy steps, somehow not busting his ass as he erratically ran to my car.

“Holy shit!” I blurted and chased after him, only for Matthew to snatch my arm and use me to launch himself forward. However, he became victim to the sleet and immediately fell which thankfully gave me an opening to run across the lawn and back to my car.

I was afraid of him getting up, so before I had even strapped myself in, I locked the doors and sped off, still trying to make sense of what happened. Once I was officially out of the neighborhood and could clearly see the streets without high beams, I pulled onto the side of the road and got my composure.

I turned on the heat and stared at Tobias who was balled up in the passenger seat with his bare back to me. With the radio off, it was impossible not to notice his shallow breaths and it sounded like he was still crying, but when I touched his shoulder, he recoiled away from me.

“S-Shit! I’m sorry… Are you…?” I leaned closer to him, which only made him ball up more. “Tobias?”

I turned on the interior lights and he flinched. The only article of clothing he still had on were his dress pants and his socks, at least from what I could tell. His shoes were still in the dining room, God knows where his dress shirt was, and he was obviously missing his belt too since the entire top half of his briefs were showing.

His shoulders and ears were bright red, but no matter what I did, he wouldn’t look at me, and touching him was clearly a no-go.

“Tobias?” I repeated softly. “What’s going on? Is there anything I can do to help?”

He grabbed the door handle, trembling as he pushed it open. “I…throw up. I’m gonna…” He trailed off and leaned out the car, the sound of him hacking up his insides quickly following. 

I shuddered at the sound that went on for almost a minute and grabbed a beach bag from the back of the car that I hadn’t taken out since August. When he finally sat back up, I handed him a towel along with a few napkins from the glove box which he used to wipe his mouth. It was a shame I had taken my surplus of extra denim jackets and hoodies out of the car a few days back, but he seemed content wrapping himself in the towel.

“I-I have plastic bags in here somewhere if you need to puke again.”

He had yet to make eye contact with me, but he nodded slowly, nonetheless. I watched as he closed the door back and leaned against the window, still breathing heavily.

“Are you drunk?” I asked reluctantly.

He nodded.

“A-Are you high, too?”

Tobias shook his head.

“Is it okay if I touch you…?” I reached my hand out with plans to fix his hair, but when he shook his head again, I retracted my arm.

“I…h-home,” He cried softly. “I wanna go…home.”

I gulped and turned the interior lights back off. “Shit. Yeah.” I pulled back onto the road as we drove in uncomfortable silence, but as I got back on the highway, Tobias grabbed the hand I wasn’t driving with. I still couldn’t see his face, but the longer we were on the road, the tighter his grip became.

“Hey, it’ll be okay, I promise. It’s just us now.” I muttered. “You’re safe.”

I heard him crying again, which only made it harder to concentrate on the slick roads because the sound made me want to cry too. However, I still got us back home despite there already being several inches of snow piled up out there. Tobias kept the towel around him as we entered the house but once I closed the door, he continued to stand in the floor. I wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or from crying, but now I could see him head-on, completely flushed. He almost looked like a different person and he still wouldn’t make eye contact.

“Tell me what you need, and I’ll get it for you.” I began as I untied my shoes. “Food, water, hot shower, blanket fresh out the dryer—I don’t care.”

He gripped the beach towel that he was still using to obscure the upper half of his body. “I’m…fine,” He muttered. “Thank you for taking me home. I-I’m sorry—”

“No, don’t apologize, Tobias. I’m not mad.”

“I-I know, but—”

I went to hold his face but pulled my hand back again. “Shh. It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re safe and that I could help you. S-Stay here, I’m gonna go get you some water.”

I dug through the kitchen and grabbed him a glass with a straw, but when I returned, he was laying on the steps. He was sitting on the landing and from his posture it was clear that he was trying to get upstairs without succession. I squatted in front of him and held the glass as he sat up and took a few sips.

“Can you hold it?”

He nodded slowly so I handed it to him, but as he grabbed it, the towel fell off his shoulders. He didn’t notice as he was practically mesmerized by the water, probably because his last several drinks were all alcoholic, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him.

I think I got the gist of what ensued. 

If I had to guess, these were the clothes he could throw on fast enough when he heard me call him.

There was a trail of red marks that started from his collar and went past to his waistband since his pants were still undone. His whole chest was a mess. It honestly looked like he was attacked by a vampire. His neck was covered in bite marks, some of which looked like they hurt. 

I had so many missed calls.

If I hadn’t fallen asleep, could I have prevented at least half of this?

“I need to go to the bathroom,” He mumbled and handed the glass back to me, which I sat on the bookcase.

“S-Sure.” 

I attempted to help him up, but he didn’t want to take my hand and the more I looked at him the more anxious he became. I spotted him as he climbed up the steps, but once he got to the bathroom, all he did was stand in the middle of the floor. 

“I forgot what I came up here for,” He mumbled.

“To pee?” I chuckled. 

Tobias glanced at the toilet but noticed his reflection in the mirror and froze which caused me to do the same. He didn’t seem too keen on moving any time soon, but I used it as an excuse to grab a change of clothes from his room since I’m sure his current outfit wasn’t helping the situation. Though, when I returned to the bathroom, he broke down, staring at himself.

I wasn’t sure whether to leave him be or hold him. All I could do was stand there like an idiot. I didn’t know how to help anymore. Work troubles and a house fire were one thing, but this? I was scared but I felt worse imagining how he must feel. Hell, or how he’s felt for the last several hours.

“I hate this…” He sobbed quietly, eventually losing his balance and collapsing onto the floor. He leaned against the side of the tub, and I sat beside him, fidgeting.

“Do you wanna talk about it? Y-You don’t have to, of course. I just…”

“No…” He cried harder, glancing at me. “You won’t like me anymore.”

“Tobias, look at who you’re talking to. I think I can finally say that you know me. And you should know by now that I’m not that type of person.”

He attempted to shoo me away, but I grabbed his hand for a second. “I’ll always like you.”

“But I look like this!” He pulled away and gestured towards all the bruises on his torso which surely made my stomach turn, but it’s not like it was his fault.

“Tobias…”

“It’s not worth it, okay?” He hiccupped. “I-I’m not worth it. It’s not a burden you should have to carry.”

I sighed. “The same goes for you. No one should have to experience what you did tonight and just…hold onto it.”

Tobias slouched beside me.

“Y-You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. But as per usual, I’m here to listen whenever you’re ready and whenever you might need me.”

He looked at me with his watery green eyes but as I glanced at his stomach, he brought his knees to his chest, laying his head down.

“It’s not…the first time it’s happened,” He mumbled into his legs as I leaned closer. “I don’t—I-I don’t know how many times now.”

“…What?”

“T-This is just the furthest he’s ever gone. He gets handsy at work and always comes into my office to try and fool around b-but it never really went past making out and his hands wandering.”

“Wait, how long has this been going on?!”

He peeked up at me. “I-I don’t know, Cason. A year or two? I figured he’d get bored. It’s not like he’d ever take no for an answer. I assumed he’d eventually find another victim but all he wanted was me.” He mumbled. “I-I was going to tell someone. I had so many plans to b-but—” He started crying again.

“I was really scared, and I felt so gross, I doubt anyone would care anyway! The last thing I wanted was for…someone else to know. It was already bad enough that I was being abused by a fucking man, but I felt worse realizing I couldn’t handle the situation myself.” He sat back up straight and held his face. “I felt so weak and stupid, and I could barely fucking live with myself.”

“Holy hell.”

“W-We had never gone all the way. I could at least stop him from doing that. H-He’d usually just kiss me and feel me up and once or twice he gave me a hand job because he was seemingly always on the lookout for when I was having an off day…” Tobias sighed.

“But why…would you agree to go to his house? Knowing that you wouldn’t be at an office, no one would catch you, and therefore he had no reason to hold back—?”

“Because he promised he’d leave you alone!”

I leaned back as Tobias grew redder. “W-What?”

“He kept hinting that he was gonna try to get involved with you and I was so scared that he’d treat you the same way, and he promised that if I finally went on a date with him, he’d leave you alone.”

The thought of Matthew putting me in the spotlight instead was making me green. And to think I had no clue of his ulterior motives. Hell, I never knew what was going on behind the scenes in the first place.

Shit.

The first day I met him.

No wonder Tobias looked so frazzled when I opened the door. It was a Saturday, and they were the only two people at the office…

“I didn’t think much of it. I thought that if we left work early, we’d finish dinner early, and then I could come home like normal, but he kept giving me cocktails…” He covered his mouth. “W-Which was fine, honestly, I knew more than anything to hold my alcohol around him but there’s no doubt he fucking spiked it.”

“Oh God.”

“I remember the first two drinks, but after that, everything was a blur. I-I don’t remember how many more he gave me. I just know that when I kept drinking in the living room, he made a move on me.” Tobias muttered, and I noticed him sweating even more than before. “I-I was trying so hard to fight back,” His voice cracked. “But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried.”

The man held his stomach. “For a split second, he left, and I managed to grab my phone off the coffee table and call you as I fucking laid there half-naked.”

“And the twenty minutes you spent waiting for me? Did he…?”

“He got really close,” Tobias muttered. “I-I don’t wanna talk about it—it was bad, but he didn’t… He had just pulled out a condom when you rang the doorbell.”

The man scrunched up in a ball again, refusing to look at me. “My family issues and incompetent coworkers were bad enough but Matthew…he was often why I couldn’t sleep or why I dreaded going to the office in the first place.”

“No wonder you couldn’t think straight…” I muttered.

“I mean, sometimes he’d go a week without doing anything to me but that doesn’t mean he didn’t flirt or—”

“Assault you verbally.” I sighed. “Yeah.”

“…Yeah.”

“Tobias, I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through that for so long.” I lightly touched his shoulder. “Especially without anyone to talk too…but I’m proud of you for opening up.”

He looked at me.

“I know it’s hard. And gross. And in this case, tremendously uncomfortable, but that means we’re one step closer to preventing it from ever happening again. And,” I whispered. “I know it’s even harder to imagine because your family made you think you’re not worth the effort, but they’re…not good people. They lied.” 

I turned to him and held both of his hands in mine as his eyes watered again. “You are worth the time of day, alright? You matter and I know it’s hard to believe given how your life has been so far, but you’re not alone either. You shouldn’t have to solve all your own problems. You shouldn’t ignore them or hold them in, either. It’s harmful.”

I opened my arms and Tobias quickly wrapped himself around me, clinging to my torso. “I don’t want anything to happen to you. I don’t want you to end up in another accident, be it house related, alcohol related, or…self-inflicted.” I said softly, rubbing his back as he cried on my shoulder. “You matter to me. You matter a whole fucking lot, Tobias. And even if no one else does, I’m always gonna love you whether it be as a friend or…something else.”

He clung to my shirt, trembling against me as I used one of my hands to comb my fingers through his hair. “Y-You still like me?” He sniffled.

“Of course, I still like you.” I swallowed heavily, trying to hold back my own tears. “Full disclosure, I’ve liked you for years. I was just…too much of a pussy to say anything.”

Tobias laughed softly and eventually let go. I helped him to his feet, and I could tell he was still avoiding his reflection.

“On the upside, we’re supposed to get like a foot and a half of snow. So, if you already weren’t planning to go into work on Monday, now I don’t think anybody will.”

“Y-Yeah…” He wiped his face.

I opened the closet and set a towel on the sink beside the stack of clothes I had already grabbed for him. “It’ll probably be good if you take a shower. And when you come out, I can tend to…some of the bruises that look more like wounds.”

Tobias glanced down at his stomach. “O-Okay. Yeah.”

When I finished turning on the water for him, he was already undressing behind me and I quickly covered my face, almost crashing into the closet door that was still wide open.

“Hey! I’m still in here!” I peeked through my fingers as he stood there with his fingers on the waistband of his briefs.

“Yeah?” He shrugged. “Who cares…” He mumbled. “I’ve felt naked since eight today and…I still do. I can’t bother being pressed about how awful I look right now anyway.”

“Y-Yeah, but you still deserve privacy! Especially after all this shit!” I slowly lowered my hands, still worried that Tobias was gonna finish stripping in front of me.

“Also, we’re both guys. So, who cares?”

I glanced around the bathroom as the mirror fogged up. “Y-Yeah! But I like you!” I laughed awkwardly.

Tobias smiled a little. “I like you, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He blushed a bit more, but I was happy to see him lighten up. “I would kiss you but,” he looked down at himself. “I feel like I have cooties. And I think I’ll throw up if I do anything remotely similar to what Matthew did to me, no matter how much I like you.”

I put my hands up. “No judgment. And no rush—it’s cool. It’ll take as long as it takes. I just want you to be okay. And yourself.”

“Yeah…me too.”

That was the first night all week where Tobias didn’t sleep beside me. I wasn’t surprised, I was just saddened to see him in the morning looking the same as the night before. I don’t think he got even a blink of sleep. I spent most of the morning shoveling the foot of snow we got while Tobias stayed in his room late into the afternoon. But even after a few hours of freezing my fingers off, taking a break, becoming another icicle, and finally taking a shower once I was done—he was still upstairs.

It hadn’t even seemed like he had eaten anything. The first floor was still primarily “Cason-droppings,” and it was weird for the house to be dead quiet on a Saturday. I did some more chores to busy myself but around two, he finally made another appearance. 

Despite the lack of clothes he had on last night, now he wasn’t showing a lick of skin. Even if it were ninety degrees out, I’m sure it’d still be the case. He was bundled up in a hoodie and some fuzzy pajama pants and it wasn’t until he walked past me that I realized it was mine, despite having purchased his own a while back.

“It’s officially a winter wonderland outside,” I said softly as he entered the kitchen. “Well, outback the snow looks nice. I destroyed it all out-front with my shovel.”

Tobias chuckled softly while looking through the fridge, though he flinched as I came up behind him.

“Is there…anything you want me to do? Or anything you want to do?” I hesitantly reached out as I stood beside him. “Wait, am I allowed…is it okay if I touch you?”

Tobias glanced back at me. “Mhm.”

“You sure? You can say no.”

The taller man closed the appliance and played with my hair for a second before walking past me. “It’s fine.” 

I stared at him as he dug through the pantry but despite being behind him, the longer I looked at him, the more uneasy he became. I rubbed my neck and turned my back to him.

“Are you hungover? M-Maybe that’s a dumb question.” I quickly mumbled afterward.

“Mhm. It’s fine. I’m gonna lay back down.” He grabbed a granola bar. “Or….at least try.” Tobias made his way out the kitchen but leaned on the wall, sighing. “I couldn’t really sleep. I’ve been like, brainstorming how I’m gonna ‘fix’ all this.”

“Fix?”

“I-I don’t know.” He sighed. “I mean, I told you. Now I’ve gotta tell someone who can actually do something about it. And by something, I mean get Matthew fired.”

“Shit, yeah. Makes sense. I mean, it’s urgent but you should also try and settle down before handling it all.”

Tobias tensed up, staring at the hardwood. He still wasn’t too keen on making eye contact with me. “I can’t. I’m so tired. but I can’t. And maybe that’s because last night I was drunk, but I’m just as tired now and I still can’t sleep.”

“You wanna try sleeping in my bed? I’ll be down here. I mean, you’re wearing my hoodie.”

Tobias glanced down at himself. “Shit. Y-Yeah.”

I chuckled. “You look nice in red.”

The man placed his hands in his pockets. “...Thank you.”

I desperately wanted to hold him. Even the next morning, he still looked like a scared little kid. And with no home to go back to? God.

Then again, while it may not have been to this degree, he’d been enduring Matthew’s antics for a while now. He was used to returning home and cowering alone, so on some level, I’m sure this was a nice change. 

I watched as he slowly returned to the second floor for another attempt at sleep.

Frankly, I didn’t sleep well either. Not only did I hear him constantly shuffling in the next room over, but I felt like I could still hear him crying in the back of my head. He begged to go home and all I could think was that he probably meant his home for once. 

I kept myself busy in other areas of the house in hopes of not disrupting Tobias’ sleep, but as I folded laundry in the basement, I heard him walking around on the floor above. Shortly, he appeared on the basement steps as I carried a laundry basket in his direction.

“No luck?” I sighed.

Tobias shook his head, walking up the stairs behind me. 

“I know it’s the middle of the afternoon, but do you want me to try and lay beside you for the time being?” I placed the basket in the living room and massaged the indent left on one arm. “Saturday chores really aren’t too fun without company,” I chuckled.

“I’m tired of trying.” He admitted, rubbing his eyes.

“A-Ah…” I cleared my throat. “Well, I can stop by the drugstore and see if there’s any other sleeping pills that—”

“Don’t.” Tobias faked a smile. “I can’t force it. Worst case scenario, the exhaustion will catch up to me and I’ll pass out sometime before nightfall.” He mumbled. “At least I hope.”

As I sat down, Tobias followed and sunk into the cushions on the other side of the couch. Unsure of how to kill time or at least make him less pitiful, I handed him the remote and let him pick a show as if he really watched it once he sat the remote down. 

I was looking forward to the blizzard, although I had become aware that it was likely another unattainable romantic fantasy of mine that I obtained from various books and media. We'd snuggle under a blanket, wearing fuzzy pajamas while drinking hot cocoa or another warm equivalent. We’d binge movies or maybe even an entire series in one night.

We could obliterate the kitchen trying to cook or bake something. Whenever it snowed, nine times out of ten my heating system would wig out and I’d use the oven to warm the house while on the phone with the HVAC people. Tobias could witness me terribly flirting with the same repairman who was almost always assigned to my bullshit.

Then again, I had Tobias. I didn’t have to flirt with anyone else anymore, as if I could flirt in the first place.

Frankly, I was looking forward to behaving like a hormonal teenager and just making out with him for hours. Maybe we’d get drunk again and all hell would break loose, or maybe we’d just sit and stare at each other, bored. 

Regardless, anything I imagined was better than this. 

I didn’t know how to take the edge off. Giving him space didn’t seem to help, but neither did being around him. He claimed I could touch him, but I could see his anxiety multiply whenever I merely stared at him for too long.

The rest of the weekend was a living hell, though I knew I had no right to say that given that I was comfortable in my own skin, had a solid support group, and wasn’t practically branded with bite marks from an old “friend.” 

Tobias still hadn’t bunked with me, so I had no clue if he ever managed to catch up on sleep. Alas, I’m sure it was deja vu for him.

Weeks ago, he was afraid of closing his eyes and waking up engulfed in flames; now he was afraid of closing his eyes and waking up to Matthew. His fears were justified.

Sunday night, I prepared for work the next day despite my uncertainty about the studio even being open. I highly doubted it, especially since we got another powdering last night, but I wanted to prepare just in case. I already had tons of emails regarding cancellations and rescheduling. 

When the low battery notification appeared on my laptop, I clam-shelled it and dragged myself into the bathroom, wrestling off my graphic tee at the same time. Yet, as the fabric ceased to obstruct my view, I was startled by Tobias on the bathroom floor, lying on the side of the tub.

“O-Oh shit,” I immediately redressed as he stirred with his bare back to me. “Sorry, I had no clue you were in here,” I grabbed my toothbrush off the sink, planning to get ready for bed downstairs. “Honestly, I thought you were in the basement for some reason,” I mumbled to myself.

I went to grab my minor collection of medicine from my weekly pill organizer, but paused, staring at Tobias, still only in his plaid pajama pants. I would’ve assumed laying on the bare marble made him cold.

“Are you okay?”

He nodded with his head in his arms.

I wanted to strangle myself for asking the question so often. I’m sure he was tired of hearing it, hell, I was tired of hearing myself ask it. Of course he wasn’t okay. Who knew when the status quo would return? I’m sure Friday doubled the time it’d take for him to be content again. 

And to make matters worse, more often than not, he still lied. 

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yes,’ he would reply, with tears in his eyes.

‘Yes,’ he would reply, so drunk that he couldn’t even stand.

‘Yes,’ he would reply, with dark circles that not even a full-night’s rest could fix.

I sighed, sweating as I watched his back rise and lower. And yet just as I threw in the towel and turned to leave the bathroom, he spoke.

“Cason.”

I quickly whipped back around. “Huh? Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something really fucking stupid?” He mumbled into his arms and I drew closer to him, just to pick up on his words.

I chuckled softly and squatted beside him, watching as he slowly sat up, although he still refused to look me in the eye. “Lay it on me.”

“Would it…be stupid to ask you to run a bath for me?”

I scoffed. “What? No.”

He stared at his hands. “But would it be stupid to ask you to run a bath for me and sit by the tub and keep me company the whole time?”

I chuckled. “Maybe, but I’m Cason, remember?” I nudged him. “Stupid shit is kinda my thing. Especially, stupidly weird shit,” I laughed. “And hey, you could’ve asked me to take a bath with you, so I think we’re in the green.”

Tobias snickered and I relaxed as I finally got a glimpse of his smile again. I leant over the tub and turned on the water, assessing the temperature before putting the stopper in the drain.

“Do you want cold, lukewarm, warm, hot, or scorching?” I glanced back at him as he watched me.

He laughed softly. “Hot.”

“Bet. And what scent do you want?” I stood up and dried my hands before digging through the closet. “You’d think I was a girl given all the body washes I have in here.”

“Hey, you said it, not me.”

I shot a glance back at him and he quickly stared at the wall, smirking.

“The one that smells like you.” He requested softly as I closed the door and grabbed the bottle off the sink.

“Alright, weirdo.”

It didn’t take long for the tub to fill and as I brushed my teeth, he got in the water. I finished getting ready for bed as he hid in the bubbles like a kid. I grabbed him a towel and eventually sat beside him, draping a smaller one over the side since it wasn’t the most comfortable thing to lean on.

“If I had never come into the bathroom, would you have even asked me to do this?” I chuckled, pulling my phone out of my pajama pants and quietly playing some slow rock to fill the potential silences.

“Well,” He glanced at me. “I was trying to hype myself up. Clearly, it wasn’t going all too well.”

I chuckled. “Now you sound like me. On no level should you be anxious about asking me anything!” I stuck my hand in the water to see how warm it ended up being. “Honestly, I’ve been internally begging for you to ask me for shit,” I mumbled.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But you’re always keeping to yourself.” I perked up. “Not that it’s bad or anything! I-I just wish I could actually do something to help.”

“Cason, you’ve been helping for—”

“No,” I dried my hands and took a deep breath, leaning back. “I mean with this,” I gestured between the two of us, and when he caught my gaze fixated on his marked-up chest, he sank into the water. “This just in, another problem I can’t fuckin’ solve,” I muttered to myself as we avoided eye contact.

“You don’t need to solve my problems,” Tobias explained, bringing his knees to his chest. “Just having you around is enough. I’ve never had anyone like I’ve had you, Cason. It’s nice to have a real friend for once.”

“A-Ah…” 

He laid on his legs, scrunched into a ball. “I don’t even want to take care of me,” He forced a laugh. “Meanwhile, you’re still here, even after all of…this.” He sat up, glaring at the shower tile. “And yeah, maybe that’s the bare fucking minimum, but the bare minimum means a hell of a lot to me.” He paused. “You mean a hell of a lot to me, too.”

I smirked. “You too. That’s why…I’ve been so stir-crazy with you here.” My cheeks burned. “No matter how many quizzes I take, I always get ‘acts of service’ as my love language.” I chuckled sheepishly as he finally looked at me. “I-I guess that checks out.” I shrugged, leaning back on the tub. “And number two was touch.”

Tobias suddenly combed his fingers through my hair. “Shit, sorry, my hands are wet,” He muttered, but when he went to move, I kept his hand against me.

“What’s your love language?” I glanced up at him, noticing his blush.

“I-I don’t know.” He mumbled sadly.

“Well, I’ve got my phone here!” I perked up. “I’ll find one of the quizzes.”

“N-No, you don’t have to do that!”

I stuck my tongue out at him, leaning back as I unlocked my phone. While I was distracted, Tobias grabbed his washcloth.

“Damn, this one has thirty questions—shit! And this one has fifty!” I laughed to myself as Tobias rolled his eyes. “That’s an adventure for another day. I don’t have the patience.”

“Well, that was fast.”

“Well, you didn’t seem too pressed regardless.”

He shrugged. “That’s because without a family to take into account, love languages mean nothing if you’re not in a relationship.” 

I stood up and started digging through the closet again. “Who told you that?!” I laughed. “Platonic love is a thing too! They all matter.”

“Matter, sure, but does it actually apply to me? Eh.”

I grabbed a rubber duck from within the stack of towels and returned to Tobias’ side, placing it in the water. He watched it float around him.

“Well, let’s see. Riddle me this,” I snickered. “Which would you prefer? Getting a hug from me, being gifted something that reminded me of you, going for a late-night drive, having me surprise you with breakfast in bed, or getting lots of little notes or texts from me?”

Tobias’ face was red. “Uh…” He trailed off. “Hell if I know,” He mumbled, looking me over. “Well, given that it’s you…all of the above. I like the idea of it all cuz it’s you.”

I stared at him, dumbfounded. 

“Oh.”

We quickly broke eye contact, blushing profusely.

“W-Well, that’s cool too,” I muttered, smiling.

“Is that weird?”

“No.”

Tobias sunk back into the water. “Yes it is,” He scoffed, hesitating for a second. “You’re all I have, so I guess it’s extreme. And after everything that’s happened in the past forty-eight hours, I can only keep myself the tiniest bit sane by thinking about you.” The rubber duck floated over to his face. “You’re my only distraction,” He admitted. “Although, I don’t want it to sound like that’s all you’re good for. Because it’s not—”

“N-No, I get it! Promise!” I forced an awkward laugh. “It’s alright. If anything, I appreciate your honesty. And I’m happy to know I’m making a difference.”

“Even just this—you sitting beside me right now—is enough to make me break into tears,” Tobias gave me a pitiful smile. “It’s so small, and yet it means the world to me. E-Especially after feeling like I’m nothing for so damn long.” 

He let out a shaky sigh. “Matthew gave me the attention I thought I needed. He said what I wanted to hear because he knew how easily I could be swayed due to my vulnerability.” I noticed him shudder. “‘It’s better than nothing.’ I’ve been saying that to myself for ages now—condoning his behavior for some God-awful reason.”

“Probably since you always had to think on your feet. It was easier to pass it off as something minor in order to cope.” I shrugged. “You didn’t know better. You couldn’t know better.”

“Well, I think I do now…” He admitted. “I don’t have to cope around you. You’re real.” He said softly. “Not only do you treat me like a human, but you’re authentic. People only call you weird because you don’t fit the ‘mold.’ And you shouldn’t because being original will always be more admirable. You don’t put up a front or try to blend in with the general public. You say what you want and wear what you want and I love it. It feels like I’m just now getting a breath of fresh air thanks to you.” He smiled a little, staring at me. 

“Thank you too,” I played with the hem of my T-shirt as every word out of his mouth made me bubble up with excitement. “You’re real too. At least, to me you are. We had both been stuck in a tiresome rut.” I chuckled. “But you’ve been helping me come out of my box.”

I leaned back on the towel, closer to him. “I already told you, I can’t be real around everyone. I don’t have enough confidence for that, but finally being comfortable around someone new has been a nice change of pace. I like your company.”

I noticed his eyes watering. “I love your company.”

I chuckled. “I also just like the attention.”

“Me too. Regardless of the aftermath, I’ve always been happy that you asked me out for drinks that night,” He admitted. “I just…wanted you to know that,” He swallowed heavily. “I’m kinda fucked up and I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to being the guy I was before I even met you. But at the end of the day, I’m grateful for you.” 

“Me too,” I smiled. “You’re gonna get through this, I have faith. This isn’t where it ends.”

The moment his voice cracked, he hid his face. “I wish I could’ve met you in a different universe without all the baggage. I-I just wanna start over,” He bawled.

“Tobias, hey…” I reached out to touch his shoulder but when he flinched, I retracted my hand.

“I feel so fucking gross, you don’t understand.” He’d been splashing bathwater on his face, but that didn’t hide the tears. “The places he touched burn more than when I was caught in a literal fucking fire,” He hiccupped. “I hate when you look at me, I hate when I look at me—I feel like you can see everything and all I want to do is hide. I want to curl up in a ball in a corner a-and just…I don’t know…” He whispered, still crying. 

“You know just as well as me that giving up isn’t the answer. You’ll only feel worse, you know that. You’re the type to tackle your problems head-on, no matter the difficulty.”

Tobias scoffed, combing his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, that was before he br—”

“No,” I demanded.

“He—”

“No,” I leaned over the tub and grabbed Tobias’ shoulder, making him look at me. “Don’t let him win, you understand me? He didn’t break you. Don’t give him that power.”

“B-But…” The tears multiplied again, and he started sobbing into his hands, startling me.

“That’s what he wanted. He wanted to wear you down until he could get what he wanted. Even if we get him out of the picture in the long run, don’t ever give him the satisfaction,” I explained. “He never won. He tried, maybe he got close, but he never won, okay?” I lifted his head, holding his face as he lowered his hands. “Okay?”

He nodded slowly as I wiped some of the tears away. 

“You’re still standing.” I paused. “Well, you’re currently sitting, but you get what I mean.”

Tobias cracked a smile.

“It doesn’t matter how far he went—at the end of the day, not many people can endure what you’ve gone through. That goes for Friday and all the other days just like it. You’re strong and pretty damn far from broken.”

I sighed and eventually released him. “And I’ll give you however much space you need, okay? I’m not trying to breathe down your neck or anything, but if you want me, boom—I’ll be there.” I shrugged. “Just like now.”

Tobias held the rubber duck, noticing my name written on the underside of it. “Thank you,” He eventually looked back at me.

“You’re welcome.”

“I think I’m gonna get out now,” He mumbled. “My fingers are getting wrinkly.”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” I muttered, standing up. “I’ll go get you a change of clothes.” I scampered out of the bathroom but once I was in the guest room, all I could do was lean against the wall and take a deep breath. What an emotional rollercoaster. While I was happy he opened up some more, my heart couldn’t take it. I hated seeing him break down, completely hopeless.

Hopeless, scared, tired—the real truth was that my company alone wasn’t gonna help him get over this hill. Working seemed to be his common coping mechanism or…distraction, to be specific, which was now inadequate. 

I grabbed a change of clothes and returned to the bathroom to see Tobias in the middle of the floor like a wet dog as he wrapped the towel around his waist. In that split second, I realized the marks went further down than I presumed. Sure, they never went all the way, but I finally realized there was a lot that could’ve been done in between. 

My stomach turned, and the feeling worsened when I considered how the lingering thoughts would affect him. Not that I could ask, however. Tobias caught my glance and squinted at me, immediately averting his eyes. Thanks to the hot water, most of his body was flushed.

“S-Sorry,” I placed the stack of clothes on the counter.

He scrunched up his nose, draining the tub. “I don’t care.”

“Yes you do.”

He paused. “Maybe I do, but what’s the point? It’s wasted energy. There’s no hiding it,” He mumbled as he stood back up and grabbed the deodorant from the other side of the sink. “I can’t unsee my reflection, the scratches, the discolorations—I’m sure the same goes for you.”

I held my tongue, turning my back so he could finish drying off. I was on my way out, but I stopped and placed my hand on the doorframe.

“Those twenty minutes were horrific, weren’t they?”

I heard him stop moving. I gripped the wood. 

“I’m sorry.”

“What the hell do you have to apologize for?” He muttered, shuffling around again.

I eventually glanced back to see him fully dressed, but I still couldn’t look him in the eye. “I wish I had gotten there sooner.” I whispered. “I wish I hadn’t missed those first several calls, I wish I had driven faster, I wish—”

“And what?” Tobias forced a laugh. “Crashed your car in the snow on the way there? Cason, bottom line is you saved me.” He flicked the bathroom light off and I looked up as he walked past me in the doorway, meeting my eyes. “I had no one else I could’ve called.”

I nodded slowly.

“You’re not responsible for the in-between.” He walked over to his bedroom. “And I’d rather you not think about it,” He admitted softly, tensing up.

“I’m sorry,” I nodded again with a twinge of guilt in my voice. I didn’t know what to do to help, but at least I knew what not to do.

“I hate knowing that you know,” He whispered as I stared at him from across the hall. 

“I don’t think any less of you.”

Tobias looked up. “I know.”

I walked in the direction of my room, but turned back around. “Can I hug you?”

“Um…” He trailed off and eventually never answered. I could see him overthinking and even though he tried to hide it, I could sense his nervousness.

“It’s okay, no pressure.” I flashed him a smile. “But if you change your mind, I’m here.”

Tobias returned the expression before we both walked into our separate rooms. I immediately flopped on my bed, face down as I tried to clear my mind, disappointed that even after talking, he was still on edge. It wavered and I’m sure his sleep deprivation was a large contributing factor.

Alas, the last thing I wanted was to set him off.

I didn’t want to make him relive the experiences or unintentionally uncover any events the alcohol completely blocked out.

Thanks to Matthew, he felt just as wounded as after the house fire. The physical burns took about a week to heal, but the same couldn’t be said for mental ones. 

I rolled over, staring at the ceiling.

I wish I had more grit like my brothers. While Mason was softer and was definitely a solid middle ground, I could barely hold my own. I wanted to go back to Matthew’s house and strangle him. Slash his tires, throw him into oncoming traffic—anything would do at this point.

Then again, regardless of what I did, I couldn’t fix what had already been done.