Rose Gold

I spent the following Monday cooped up in my office while working from home. I had to convince myself that it wasn’t fully a three-day weekend, but I took the extra time to work on some personal art projects I’d constantly been setting aside. Frankly, it’d been a minute since I indulged in art as a hobby. All my recent work had been for clients and despite loving the paychecks, I missed when I could have innocent fun.

I stared at my computer until I got a headache. I would’ve taken breaks to eat or pee, but hey, my laptop was portable. 

During the few times I walked past the guest room, I’d check on Tobias to find him still conked out, even in the middle of the afternoon. It was about time he got some sleep, and he finally looked relaxed for once. Once I had saved my work and put my computer away for the evening, I found myself watching him. A little bit of me wanted to sit by his bedside, but I eventually got back on task and continued prepping for tomorrow.

On the upside, the snow gave me time to do laundry, cook, clean my office…again…and clear up my schedule by finishing projects in advance. I met my deadlines, but it was rare for me to knock 'em all out in one go, several days prior.

As I returned to the second floor after cleaning up the kitchen, I noticed light coming from Tobias’ room. I peeked inside to see him sitting against the bed with his computer.

Looks like we were both trying to be productive tonight.

He continued to type, eyeing the screen with a tense expression. I waited for a break in his text before knocking on the doorframe, alerting him of my presence.

“You’re out of your coma, I see,” I teased, making my way further into his room.

“Ah.” The man flashed me a smile. “Yeah. Honestly, I could pass right back out,” He began as I sat beside him on the floor. “I’m just trying to get some shit done while my brain is actually functional.”

“Work shit, I’m assuming?” I glanced at his email, but he hesitated before changing the tab.

“Yeah.”

“Then I’ll leave you be,” I nudged him as I got back to my feet, but he pulled on my hoodie sleeve. “Unless…you need me?”

“I’m trying to…” He sighed and leaned his head against the mattress, looking up at me. “I’m filing a report about what’s been going on.”

“Oh shit. Hey, that’s a good start!”

Tobias gave me a slow nod. “Yeah. I’m trying to email my supervisor and everything before tomorrow. I kinda waited until the last minute, but I was also exhausted,” He forced a laugh. “I started by notifying him that I’d be working from home all this week but it’s the details that are killing me.”

As Tobias scrolled through his paragraphs, I glanced down at the open text chat between him and Matthew. The most recent message was from last Thursday.

“You know…dates and stuff,” He explained.

“Sure, yeah.”

The man suddenly chuckled. “I’m stalling again.” He muttered as I stared at his shoulder, contemplating the contact. “I have everything I need down, but I feel like it’s a mess. Maybe that’s because I’m stuck in the middle of it or because I’ve been typing for so long, but would you mind proofreading it?”

“Oh yeah! No problem,” I reached out to grab his computer, but he leaned back.

“I-I figured I’d just forward the draft to you. Unless now would be better. You’re getting ready for work, right?”

I shrugged. “Eh, I’m practically done. I over prepare, overpack, and overthink everything—even my day job.”

Tobias laughed but the sound quickly diminished. “Just, warning: It’s bad. Content wise.” I watched him find my contact as he sent me the report. “I didn’t go into detail about Friday because it didn’t take place in the office, but countless other things did.”

My phone buzzed as I got the email. “Don’t worry. I’ll just be a grammar nazi. I’ll analyze you like a teacher, not a therapist.”

“You’re a blessing in disguise.”

Tobias cleaned up his floor which had become a substitute office desk. I offered to make him a plate from earlier, but when I returned after making some tea, he was already out again. I knew he was bound to get up again in the middle of the night, so I left it for him on the night table.

Once I’d finished running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I laid on my bed and skimmed Tobias’ email a few times. Despite laying under the covers with both my lamp and phone brightness on the dimmest setting, it was a terrible bedtime story.

It was hard to overlook the blatant trauma he’d been facing for a year while trying to dig for typos and run-on sentences. On the upside, while Tobias had seen me at work, I’d never been exposed to his writing or business-y approach. Aside from the content, the report was written well.

I sent it back to him with a few edits before finally ending my night.

As I went back and forth into the studio as the week progressed, Tobias continued to work from home. He was often cooped up in his room, but eventually he made the basement his makeshift office. Given that having him in a main room increased the times I could walk past him and make sure he was alive, I didn’t mind.

While he wasn’t hiding from me, he wasn’t making much of an effort to make himself known anymore. Then again, he could finally concentrate. For once, Matthew wasn’t breathing down his neck and he wasn’t stuck constantly micromanaging his subordinates. He’d probably been backed-up on work for ages now. 

I wanted to stick my nose in his business, but I also didn’t want to be the next distraction. Instead of potentially overstepping boundaries, I figured it would be safest to wait for him to approach me first. Alas, by Saturday his dark circles had diminished, his internal status quo seemed to have returned, and yet I still felt like an outsider in my own house.

I ended up doing the one thing I dreaded.

Tiptoeing around him.

I didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t much I felt like I could talk about anymore, and my energy was never reciprocated, nonetheless. When I asked, he’d claim he was fine, and for once he didn’t seem like he was lying, but what the hell did I know?

I felt terrible for “missing” the old Tobias, but it was hard to ignore.

Saturday morning, I heard him walking around upstairs and in fear of missing out on his entire life, I dragged myself out of bed and peeked through my door. It was clear he was on his way out—he had shoes on, and this was probably the fourth time this week I’d caught him in my hoodie. I wondered—was it because I said he looked nice in red, because he liked the scent, or was it just the nearest article of clothing to him?

“Hey, where are you off to this early?”

The man whipped around, startled. “Shit. Did I wake you up?”

I shrugged, eventually leaving my doorway. “Not really.”

“Ah.” He paused. “It’s only nine,” He continued, smiling a little. “I’ve got some errands to run, is all.”

I perked up. “Can I come with?”

Tobias hesitated. “Eh, it’s not really fun stuff,” He chuckled. “I need to stop by the bank, meet up with one of my agents, etcetera.” He dug through his pockets and pulled out a list. “Fuck, lemme not forget to grab that folder,” He mumbled to himself before rushing down the stairs to his makeshift office.

I slowly followed him downstairs, leaning on the banister as I waited for him to return to the first floor. I shook myself awake as he suddenly reappeared beside me, throwing on his jacket.

“You’re quite the busy man,” I laughed softly.

He glanced at me. “And you’re quite the sleepy man.”

I leaned further into my arms as my face heated up. Tobias averted his gaze.

“W-We can hang out some other time. I’ve got a lot of shit on my to-do list for today.” He zipped up his jacket. “I got like…a myriad of things going on right now.”

“To be expected,” I mumbled to myself before fixing my posture. “Are you alright, though?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah.” He grabbed his work bag after stuffing the packed file he had into it. “As you know, Matthew’s been suspended while they look into the case so I’ve kinda got a double workload since I’m down an assistant.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You never told me that—that he was suspended.”

“I didn’t?”

I scoffed. “No.” I shrugged. “I mean, I was curious, but I didn’t want to pry…” I trailed off.

“Oh.” He blushed a little. “It’s fine, but yeah. Now I’m sorta…I wouldn’t say overworked—I kinda like having a ton of shit to do. But given that he’s not taking up my brain space, I can work on some of the stuff towards the insurance claim and the ‘loan’ mess that’s going down with my dad.” He shook his head, pondering.

I tried to fix my face. No surprise he didn’t feel overworked. It was his fucking coping mechanism.

“Anyways, I gotta go, but I’ll be back before the streetlights come on,” He joked. “Well, the sun sets around five, so maybe not.” He smiled, grabbing his car keys from the hook by the door. “I’ll be back though.”

“Oh. Alright, yeah, be safe.” I returned the expression and stood in the doorway, watching as he walked to his car and eventually drove off.

Even once he was gone, I continued to stand there for a while.

There he went.

Slipped right out of my fingers for the hundredth time.

Just because I didn’t want to be home alone again, I found some of my own errands to run in the meantime. Another week meant another grocery trip, another dry-cleaning run, and another distracted drive home where I’d mistakenly go on a shopping spree if I didn’t have a chaperone.

Tobias didn’t get home until ten. By then I had already made dinner and passed out in front of the TV in the living room. I only vaguely remembered hearing him come in and lock the door. 

Given that he was working from home, I figured that would give us more chances to cross paths since only one party had a commute, only to find that Monday morning, he’d gone into the office. 

Did that mean Matthew was officially gone?

Just like the week prior, I’d ask him about his day at work and get practically nothing in return. Occasionally he’d direct the question back at me, to which he was always more interested in my bullshit, but all I wanted was for him to talk.

I was paranoid he’d get pissed if I badgered him with questions or followed him around like a baby duck when we were finally in the same vicinity, but there was no doubt the spark was dying, and yet I was the only one trying to keep it alive.

I wanted to cry, but I knew it wouldn’t solve anything and was bound to cause an accident as I struggled to drive home in the rain and sleet Thursday evening. Frankly, I had tried to leave work early after a slew of disasters—my camera froze, my laptop crashed, I lost four hours of work, and dropped my thumb drive in the river of water between the car and the curb. I’d had it up to here, and yet I was still getting home at the same time—an hour later than I wanted.

Halfway through the drive I’d realized I left my jacket at the studio, but I’d be damned if I was turning around and doubling my commute. I ran from the car to the house, though my speed didn’t stop me from getting completely drenched. As I loosened my tie after dropping my shit by the couch, I realized I smelled food.

I followed the aroma like a cartoon character chasing a pie on a windowsill, to find Tobias in front of the stove while humming whatever was playing from his phone.

“Are you cooking?”

He jumped and dropped the spoon he was holding. “Jesus—how long have you been standing there for?!” He forced a laugh, but the sound halted when I didn’t return the expression. “I don’t know how I didn’t hear you come…” He shook his head, muttering to himself. “Anyways, hi.”

“Hey.”

He picked the utensil back up and turned off the stove. “Eh, I was hungry, and I finished what you cooked over the weekend, so I figured I’d make something. I didn’t want you to come home to nothing.”

“Oh.” My posture loosened. “That’s cool. Thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

I pulled my tie off and fiddled with it in my hand. “I didn’t…” I sighed. “Sorry. I could’ve picked up something on the way. I know how you are about fire—”

“Hm? It’s fine.”

“Y-You sure?”

He laughed awkwardly. “Yeah! Especially since I’m not sleep deprived,” He shrugged, still smiling as the timer went off. I watched as he pulled a dish of chicken and vegetables out of the oven, and I basked in the heat radiating from the appliance since I’d yet to remove my damp shirt.

From the smell and the appearance, it definitely wasn’t something I made before. That or even had a recipe of, despite owning countless cookbooks. I’d read through them all but only found a few from each that I actually liked.

Tobias noticed me analyzing the environment and chuckled as he placed the dish on the stove, removing his oven mitts. “It’s something my mom made constantly when she used to cook.”

“Ah.”

He looked me over.

“You look very….waterproof. Or lack thereof.”

I glanced down at myself. “Huh? Oh. Yeah.”

We locked eyes as he turned off the oven. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

I quickly averted my gaze as I unbuttoned my shirt before I caught a cold. I eventually nodded, but I could still feel his eyes on me.

“Do you want me to make you a plate?”

I nodded again, but as I walked towards the dining room, Tobias tugged on my sleeve.

“Hey—”

“I’m fine,” I cut him off. “Just cold. And wet.” I glanced around. “And tired,” I eventually muttered to myself before slipping out of his grasp and going to the basement to leave all my damp clothes in the laundry room. I grabbed some loungewear from a basket in the back before standing in the bathroom for a while, drying my hair with the half-broken blow dryer I had banished to the basement months ago.

It took ages to get warm, but it did the job.

Returning to the kitchen and getting hit by a blast of heat was satisfying for once. Tobias glanced at me as I appeared at the top of the stairs.

“You good now?” He chuckled with a plate in his hand.

I nodded slowly again. “How are you?”

He gave me a weird look. “...I’m fine.” He scoffed before placing the dish down. “Cason, seriously. You’re a really bad liar. What is it?”

I rolled my eyes and pushed past him to grab a beer out of the fridge. 

“Well, screw you too,” He mumbled.

I took a lengthy sip from the can, avoiding his eyes. Normally, coming home to him making me dinner would’ve had me bouncing off the walls, and yet it was just adding to my shitty day. Why couldn’t it have been like any other day, huh? Why did he have to be here when I came home? Why wasn’t he cooped up in his room or in the basement not talking to me unless I said something first?

I was tired of it.

I knew he needed space and I wanted to excuse it, but it’s not like it didn’t hurt my feelings. It felt like I had a stranger living in my house and there was no reason why Matthew would’ve robbed Tobias’ entire personality. That, or the bond we had formed in between.

Another relationship gone flat.

It didn’t matter if it were romantic or platonic, but in other cases, at least I didn’t see them every damn day. I’d take being ghosted over text than getting crickets from someone who lived with me. He disappeared at random, worked late at random, and never kept me in the loop.

He’d ask me about my plans and I’d whip out my entire agenda. When I’d ask him, I’d only get a brief response, as if he was talking to a coworker who asked him about his plans for the weekend just to complete the respectable amount of small talk for the day.

But maybe it was my fault.

Maybe I was just overreacting.

At this point, I didn’t think his demeanor could be Matthew related, but what the hell did I know? It’s not like he talked to me, and at this point I was starting not to care about the cause. He didn’t need to sleep beside me or tell me his life story but at the very least, he could at least act like he still liked me.

That is, if I wasn’t just an afterthought nowadays. I knew that feeling all too well.

As I finished the can, Tobias started cleaning the kitchen, ignoring me. Although, I eventually realized I was in his way as I stood in the middle of the kitchen floor like a miserable idiot.

“Do you want a hug?” He put the dish rag down. “Or will that just make you angier?”

Who even knew the last time I hugged him. I was worried I’d make him uncomfortable or that the smallest action of mine would send him back to that Friday. I didn’t wanna be the trigger.

And yet, I was tired of losing sleep over that too. 

I doubt I occupied his mind as much. All I did was give and give and give, and I wondered if it even registered. Frankly, I felt like I deserved to be selfish. It was hard to feel bad when you gave up your house to someone you barely knew.

“What? No.”

Tobias sighed, but as he went to walk past me, I blocked him.

“Cason, what are you—”

I leaned up and grabbed his face, cutting him off with our first kiss in weeks. And yet the moment I kissed him, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer to the point where I forgot what I was mad about. It was just nice to feel him against me again.

I missed the way he tasted and the way he smelled. 

I didn’t expect him to kiss back but the moment he did, I couldn’t seem to let go of him. He slowly rubbed my back as I melted into his hands and before long, I fell apart. I leaned back and immediately tried to hide my face against him with no luck.

“H-Holy shit, are you—”

“I’m sorry,” I clung to his shirt as the tears fell. “I’m so sorry…” I increased my grip as Tobias wrapped his arms back around me, rubbing my head as I cried softly.

“Today’s been so fucking awful,” I mumbled. “A-And I know that’s no excuse, I just—”

“Hey, it’s alright,” He sighed, holding me tighter. “I’m not mad.”

“I lost my work and my camera’s been spazzing out a-and I got stuck in the worst traffic and because of the ice everyone was driving like lunatics and I thought I was gonna die, a-and for a few seconds, the idea didn’t even seem all too bad,” I cried into the crook of his neck.

“Goddamn, that’s a lot. I’m so sorry,” He said softly. “I know you hate driving in any sort of precipitation.”

I leaned back a bit. “Y-You do?”

“Yeah,” He looked confused. “You told me randomly one night when we were watching TV. During some car commercial.”

“Oh…and you remembered that?” I sniffled.

Tobias grabbed a napkin off the counter and I blew my nose. “Uh, yeah.” He smiled a little. “Is that weird?”

I paused before shaking my head. 

I liked knowing he remembered the small, stupid shit.

“Still, I’m glad you made it home safe, at least. And I’m sorry your workday was straight ass.” He chuckled. “But on the upside, at least it’s almost the weekend. Y’know, you can fix your stuff or redo anything you lost…even if it’s tedious.”

“But I don’t wanna work on the weekend!” I shouted at the floor. “I wanna hang out with you!”

Tobias looked around awkwardly. “You’re hanging out with me right now.”

“Y-Yeah, but like…run stupid errands and whatever. This is the first time all week I talked to you for more than five minutes.”

“Oh. Fuck.”

I shrugged, looking off to the side. “It’s fine…I know you have shit to do. I just…miss you,” I trailed off.

“What?”

I wiped my face. “Nothing. It’s fine.”

“Cason—”

“Thank you for making dinner,” I finally looked up.

“Huh? O-Oh, sure thing. I uh,” He rubbed the back of his neck, staring at the plate he’d made that I’d yet to take to the table. “I wanted to make sure you had food, yeah, but I also wanted to celebrate.”

“Celebrate what?”

He rocked on his heels. “Matthew getting fired. As of this morning.”

My jaw dropped.

“I was gonna just get cake, but I went straight home after work on autopilot. So, I was gonna make something instead until I realized it’d be more practical to have dinner food.”

“...So, he’s gone for good.”

Tobias smiled a bit. “Yeah.”

“How’s it feel?”

“Weird. Good weird, but weird.” He chuckled. “He was this permanent dark cloud hanging over me, and now I can finally get shit done. Work shit, personal shit—you name it.”

“Finally free of the brain fog, eh?”

He smirked. “God, yeah.”

I grabbed my plate and walked to the dining room as Tobias followed. “Do you want to actually celebrate though? We can get cake or whatever. Even just print out a photo of him and set it on fire,” I laughed.

“Nah, this is good. I’m not much of a party person and it feels weird to celebrate,” He sat across from me, leaning on the table. “I’m happy enough that I get to ‘celebrate’ with someone else—not to say that isn’t weird too.”

I smiled. “Well, I’m glad to be included. It’s nice to see you at ease. Sure as hell took long enough.”

Tobias blushed as I started eating. “Yeah…”

“...Are you at ease?”

“Technically, yeah. Just really busy. I don’t know how long it’ll take for them to find me an assistant. Technically, I could look into it myself, but I don’t have the time for that,” He sighed. “But I’ll make it work. It’s better than having him.”

I snickered. “Figures.” I wiped my mouth. “This is honestly really good. Better than anything I’ve made, that’s for sure.”

Tobias grinned. “Eh, I like your cooking better. Then again, I’m probably just too used to my own stuff.”

“I don’t think I knew you could cook.” I paused. “Then again, you’ve strayed from cooking the entire time you were here for obvious reasons.”

“When I get time, I’m down to make more stuff for you.” He chuckled. “As long as I’m not tired. I’m sure it’ll still be a while until I go back to making breakfast.”

“Eh, they say it’s the most important meal of the day, but I often get away with a slice of half-burnt toast.”

Tobias laughed as I eventually finished eating. My poor excuse for a lunch on top of being emotionally drained helped me work up one hell of an appetite. For a second, I thought that maybe I was just hangry, but as the two of us ran out of words again and Tobias leaned on his arms, watching the TV in the other room, I realized the feeling still lingered.

I knew he had countless things to talk about, but there was no forcing it out of him.

I eventually continued talking about my day, which he seemed amused by. He always preferred it when the spotlight was on me, but now I wasn’t sure if it’s because he liked me or if it was some type of defense mechanism.

Still, I had no desire to make my day worse, so I tried not to linger on it.

At the end of the day, he made me dinner and kissed me back. I wasn’t very high-maintenance—if he only did those two things for the rest of the month, I’d be a happy man. To most it was probably nothing, but it was more than I’d ever gotten.