Rose Gold

I woke up late into the afternoon, crooked on Cason’s guest bed. I wasn’t surprised since my sleep schedule had been awful lately and now I could add nightmares to the mix, but it had been ages since I woke up past noon. I was a morning person after all.

My wounds were less sore than yesterday, but I still had to drag myself down the steps. I snuck up behind Cason having a mini concert in the kitchen while cooking breakfast, or brunch, I suppose.

He still had a crazy bed head which reminded me to comb my fingers through my hair so I wouldn’t look as much like a nutcase. 

The boy leaned over and pulled a glass dish of bacon out of the oven and placed it on the counter, all while singing a random Paramore song. When he looked up, he flinched after noticing me leaning on the doorframe which caused me to snicker.

“M-Morning.” He smiled a little.

“Aren’t you supposed to cook bacon and bake cookies?” I asked playfully. It was one of my favorite weird things about the English language. 

He glanced at the dish. “My mom taught me to use the oven so I wouldn’t get popped with grease.”

“Fair.”

For once, my presence didn’t elicit a greater glow from him. Sure, I interrupted his concert, and his face visibly matched the color of his hair—no wonder he was ‘Strawberry Samwell,’ but he seemed off.

“A-Anyway…yeah.” He turned his phone down, a slight grin on his face. “I made breakfast while you were asleep, so the fire wouldn’t freak you out. You might have to warm up the pancakes but everything else is hot.” 

“You didn’t have to do all this.” I chuckled, watching as he grabbed a bottle of syrup out of the cabinet and started making a plate for me.

All the boy did was shrug. “Which stuff do you want?”

I grabbed the plate from him, mildly confused by his demeanor. “I’ll take everything, honestly. Why don’t you make your own plate first?”

He stood beside me awkwardly. Now that the plate was gone, he didn’t know what to do with his hands. “Oh. I mean, I ate a lot of stuff while I was in the middle of cooking. I’m not really hungry anymore.”

“Eh, that's fair.” I grabbed a few pancakes off the stove. “You do have quite the collection here.”

“I suppose.” He rubbed his head before getting on his tiptoes to grab the speaker off the top of the fridge. 

“Hey, don’t let me interrupt your concert.” I laughed. “It’s your house, after all. You’ve got good music taste.”

He flashed me a bit of a smile, but he quickly turned his back and left the kitchen. “It’s fine. I’m just going upstairs to take a shower. I smell like a diner.”

I moved into the dining room after grabbing every side Cason cooked. I sat my plate on the table.

“Lemme guess—as opposed to strawberry pound cake from Bath and Body Works?”

He gave me a side eye. “Just because my hair’s pink doesn’t mean my favorite fruit or scent is strawberries,” The boy mumbled.

“Then what fruit—”

“Not that it’s any of your business,” He scoffed. “But I like peaches. Favorite fruit for the twenty-six years I’ve been alive. According to my mom, I even liked ‘em as a baby.”

I sat down at the head of the table. “Then what’s up with your Instagram handle?”

The boy didn’t seem to enjoy my frequent comments. He sighed heavily. “When I get embarrassed, Instantly turn red and thanks to my freckles, I look like a strawberry. Figured I might as well wear it with pride…and now I’m kinda stuck with it.”

“Hey, I think that’s a pretty cute backstory. Very Cason!” I laughed.

I watched Cason roll his eyes and walk into the living room. I scrunched up my nose.

“What’s your deal?”

He turned back to me. “What deal?”

“You wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” However, the moment the question slipped out my mouth, I realized what it was. I combed my hair back. “Ah, shit. Cason, wait. Don’t go upstairs.”

“Huh? I’ll be back down later.”

“No, I’m just…” I sighed. “Sorry for what I said last night. I didn’t realize you were actually…that mad.”

Cason stood in the doorway, red-faced. “I-It’s fine.”

“It’s clearly not, otherwise you wouldn’t have this snippy attitude. Feels like I ruined your mood the moment you saw me today.” I mumbled. 

“I…well…” He sighed. “Y-Yeah. Kinda.” The boy rubbed his face. “I’m just sick of people saying shit like that about me. I hoped it wouldn’t have followed me into adulthood, but here we are.”

“S-So, I’m assuming you want me to be intimidated by you?”

He exhaled sharply. “No! I just—” He groaned. “I don’t want you to think less of me for the sole fact that I’m not, I don’t know, six feet tall with normal hair and six-pack abs!” He frowned and his eyes eventually landed on me. “What you said wasn’t homophobic which is good…yeah…but you just…hurt my feelings.”

My stomach dropped. 

“I mean, I get the drift that I can’t even change your mind about it all. Seems like you’ve thought about me under that light for ages now. You’re not the only one.” He flashed me a fake smile. “When people think of the Samwell siblings, they think of the smart one, the hot one, and the twink.”

“Cason…”

“I guess it’s about time I start trying to wear that with pride too. As if there’s anything I can do to make me hate it less…” He mumbled under his breath, looking off to the side.

“Nah Cason, I’m sorry. Seriously. I didn’t know or think you’d…take it so hard.” I rubbed my face. “I was just teasing you for the sake of teasing you. I didn’t mean to go too far.”

“It’s okay.” Cason shrugged. “Thank you.”

“If it makes you feel any better, you’re one hell of a kisser when you’re pissed. I wouldn’t say I was intimidated but,” I laughed while watching his blush worsend. “You did scare the shit outta me by catching me off-guard. So that’s something.”

The boy stared at me, dumbfounded. “I’m…gonna go shower.”

I smiled as he made his way to the stairs. “Have fun.”

Cason rolled his eyes, but I caught a glimpse of his grin. I finished eating my brunch and after a half an hour, Strawberry Samwell returned to the first floor. He had clearly washed his hair since the blow drier had given him a temporary cotton-candy-like afro.

He had on some jeans and a sweater vest that was definitely too big, along with a plain dress shirt. Oddly enough, there was no funky tie involved.

“You got a hot date?” I asked as he walked past me into the kitchen.

“What?” He laughed. “No. I figured we could go out today.”

“So, I don’t count as a hot date? Harsh.”

Cason blushed and rolled his eyes. “Goddamn. I mean, given your attitude so far, I’m gonna assume you’re feeling better. You at least…look better.”

I leaned on the table as Cason left the kitchen with a list and sat at the counter. “It’s crazy what eight hours can do to somebody.”

He snickered. “Well, it’s nice to see you in a better mood.”

I nodded, although I was still under the weather. I could just hold myself together better because I wasn’t exhausted or hungry. I didn’t wanna make Cason worry.

“What’s on your to-do list, eh? What do you normally do on Saturdays?”

“Grocery shopping…?”

I chuckled. “Oh, what fun.”

“Before then, though, I was thinking we could go shopping and buy you a few things. I’m sure you’re tired of wearing my stuff since everything is short on you.”

I smirked. “Yeah…”

“And you also need a phone charger. And when you get reimbursed, you can just pay me back later.”

He was making solid points, but I still didn’t want to go out. I enjoyed his presence, but I didn’t have the motivation for anything anymore. I watched as the boy left his list beside me and took my dishes to the kitchen.

“Feel free to add anything you want.”

I read through the list of food and a few clothing items before adding my ideas. “Can’t you just go without me?”

“No.”

“What?” I smiled sadly. “You're afraid I’ll burn your house down too?”

“W-What?! Tobias, no! Isn’t it too early to joke about that shit?”

I shrugged. “Probably. Gotta keep it interesting though.” I handed him his note back. “I’ll go get washed up, I guess.”

“Oh, yeah. Lemme get some clothes for you.”

Before I went to the basement, Cason ran upstairs to grab me an outfit. Clearly the hoodie was too big for him since it fit me, but I appreciated him digging around for stuff that didn’t look like my younger brother’s. As if I had a younger brother.

I attempted to rebandage myself as Cason did yesterday, but I wasn’t flexible enough for it to go all too well. Nonetheless, I refused to ask for help and made do before returning to the first floor where the freckled boy was already bundled up. He handed me a jacket before I walked past him onto the porch, immediately hit by a rush of cold air. Thank God he had clothes I could wear. 

Cason grabbed his keys before closing the door behind us but as he walked to the car, I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.

I hadn’t laid eyes on my ‘house’ since it’d been extinguished.

I immediately felt nauseous.

“Is…this why you didn’t wanna go outside?” I glanced at Cason who was near his car. Before he made his way over to me, I took a deep breath and kept walking. I knew if he looked at me like that for long enough, I’d break down again.

“Part of the reason, I guess.” I mumbled, shoving my hands in my pockets before getting back on track and sitting in the passenger seat.

He turned the key, and we sat in silence before he looked at me.

“Is there…anything I can do?”

I chuckled softly. His nose was red from the cold. “You’re already doing enough. I promise.”

I combed my fingers through my hair. “It’s just…easy to ignore the issue on the table when it’s not staring you in the face. That, or at least the truth hurts less.

“That’s understandable.” Cason backed out of his parking space and turned onto the road. “You mentioned having brothers. Do you think they’d house you if you asked? Or at least let you borrow some stuff?”

I gazed out the window for a bit. “No.” I sighed. “Why? I thought you liked housing me or something.”

“I do.” He flashed me a smile. “I just feel bad about you being…alone. Friends? Fine. But family? They’re always supposed to be there for you. That shit should be unconditional.”

I leaned on my hand and watched as Cason drove. “Tell me about it.” I sighed.

From what it sounded like, Cason had a stable family. Two loving parents, two loving older brothers—to me it seemed unnatural. Still, Cason deserved a good family that could bring out that dorky grin of his. I couldn’t help but wonder who he got his looks from. If I had to guess, the icy blue eyes were from his dad and the freckles were from his mom. Probably his nose, too.

He was easy on the eyes, especially because of that contagious smile and those dimples

The car stopped at a traffic light and when I glanced at him, he was staring right back at me, smirking.

“What are you doing over there?”

“…Thinking? You?”

He laughed and stared back out the windshield. “Driving?”

“Totally couldn’t tell.”

Cason rolled eyes with a grin as the light turned green. “Well, you asked!”

The more I was around him, the more I couldn’t believe that someone with his looks, talents, and spunk was single. Sure, he had a packed schedule and had some similar workaholic tendencies as me, but he’s a social butterfly. It’s part of his job. You can’t tell me no one’s asked for his business card just to call him up and ask him on a date.

I wished I had talked to him far before now, besides welcoming him to the neighborhood. He was a joy to be around. His personality was radically different from my other friends in the past, but I liked it. Honestly, he was like a good luck charm.

“Did you grow up in Delaware?” Cason suddenly asked.

“Hm? Yeah. Why?”

 He shrugged. “I don’t know. I just wasn’t sure if that’s why you and your family were kind of estranged—you don’t live in the same state anymore.”

“You’re really fixated on my family, huh?”

He tensed up. “Y-Yeah! I guess!” He glanced at me. “Just makes me kinda mad…is all. You’re cool. They should be cool too. I think I’m seconds away from adopting you into mine.”

“And your family would be cool with that?”

“Probably. My mom likes everyone I like. And, unlike me, my dad’s got a practical business brain so I’m sure you two would get along well.” He tapped the steering wheel. “Same goes for my brothers.”

“I see. Were you born here?”

He nodded. “Mhm! I actually got my house from my grandma,” He turned red. “Cuz she decided to move to the beach.”

“No wonder you have money to spend on me, you didn’t blow like five hundred paychecks on that house.”

He snickered. “I guess.”

“You think she’d be fine with you hosting squatters?”

Cason rolled his eyes. “You’re not a squatter, but yes. She said I could do anything with the house. She thought I’d be an interior designer and recommended I gut the whole thing but, y’know, I picked a different career path.”

“Not that I have anything against interior designers, but I think you were made for photography. You’ve seriously got a knack for it—that plus graphic arts and designing shit for people on the side.”

“T-Thanks…” He kept his eyes on the road, but he was completely giddy. “Speaking of, I did finish your business cards, but I forgot to send them to you thanks to all the shit that’s been going on.”

“No worries, take your time. I’m in no rush. Clearly, I have better thing to be focusing on.”

He chuckled. “Guess you’re right.”

Cason pulled into the parking lot of a huge shopping center and after what felt like an eternity of going in circles, he found a parking space. When he turned off the car, he grinned at me.

“Okay, this is my favorite shopping center ever. Technically it’s an outlet mall, but it’s also got good food and a GameStop, and no strip mall is complete without a GameStop.”

I snickered. “Okay, nerd.”

He rolled his eyes. “A-Anyway, my mom brought me here all the time as a kid. You can get a lot of shit on sale.” The boy dug the list out of his pocket, ripped it in half, and handed me my section.

“I’m gonna go do my boring grocery shopping and you can go around and buy whatever’s on that list for yourself.”

“What’s my budget?”

He paused before taking out his wallet with a shrug. “I dunno. Just get what you need.” He handed me one of his cards and my eyes widened. “Don’t make that face! You’ll pay me back eventually—you just need a few things to make do for now!”

I laughed awkwardly and stared at the card. “Alright man.”

When we left the car, he walked over to the passenger side. “I relatively trust you.” He snickered. “And while you try to act badass, I know you’re too mature and would feel bad if you broke your promise.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Regardless, if you try and change your mind after all this, I’ll figure out a way to scare the shit out of you again.”

I tried to hide my smile.

“What?! I can throw a good punch! I need people to keep their hands to themselves! Trust me, I have experience!”

I snickered and ruffled his hair. “Yeah, yeah. There'll be no need for any of that. I can follow directions.”

 “Good to know. Anyway, I’ll probably be done in an hour so just meet me back here afterward.”

“Sounds like a plan.” I put my hands in my pockets. “Anyway, let’s get out of the cold. I’m not trying to freeze my ass off.”

Cason laughed and we walked side-by-side until we got to the pavement, and he headed in the direction of the grocery store. I stopped by the GameStop first just so I could get a portable charger and a cable so by the time I was done, I could finally make some important calls.

I was paranoid about spending too much money the whole time I was away from Cason, but I tried to stop overthinking everything and just got what I needed. I was tired of wearing his pants that never covered my ankles or long-sleeved shirts that were three-quarters on me. 

That and the strong desire I had to wear my own fucking underwear. I didn’t care what patterns were on them or how good he was at doing laundry—I just wanted to wear my own underwear.

I collected casual stuff since comfort was my only priority right now. I had to be well-dressed for work, sure, but they could kiss my ass right now.

I finished my shopping spree well before Cason, even though it had already been an hour. Knowing how much he liked this shopping center, he probably got distracted. I pulled out my phone and successfully turned it on, as it made it to half charge. I had several missed calls—most were spam, some were from coworkers and I believe one was my insurance company.

I investigated the new voicemails and unread texts which only stressed me out more. Life was pretty damn sweet when I just stared at Cason the whole time and didn’t talk to another single soul. Now I realized that I’d have to let people know what happened.

Hooray! More pity glances, featuring pity texts and pity phone calls, soon to come.

In the distance I saw Cason rushing back to his car with an overflowing shopping cart, so I got off the bench and made my way over to him to help put the bags away. He seemed way too small to be eating all this food, but then I realized that half was probably for me. It was warming to know someone cared about me so much despite us starting as strangers not even a month ago, but I still felt awful for freeloading off him. It just wasn’t me. If anything, I’d expect someone like Cason to be freeloading off me instead.

Before he started driving, I handed him his card back. He got everything on his grocery list, and I crossed off everything on mine. As he turned onto the road, I poked his arm.

“Hey, um, can I ask you for another favor?”

“Sure!” He beamed.

I chuckled. “Can we stop by my office? I realized I actually left my computer there the night before, so I can technically still get some work done.”

“Oh, yeah sure! Just put the address in the GPS. I’m not good with verbal directions.”

“You’re good. Neither am I.”

He flashed me a smile as the route began. It didn’t take long to arrive, though Cason seemed overwhelmed by going this deep into the city whereas I thought this shit was just the outskirts. 

He pulled up outside the building and put his hazards on. “Will you be long?”

“Hopefully not, no.” I zipped up my jacket. “I’ll be back. Thank you!”

He gave me a thumbs up as I scampered into the building, only to wrestle my jacket off as I was attacked by the heat. I didn’t have my ID, but I could still get up the elevator and into my office since I had the number memorized.

All the cubicles were empty since people rarely worked on the weekends. It was eerily quiet, but the silence was nice. While I didn’t work in a cubicle, it was nice not overhearing a thousand meetings, zoom calls, and frantic typing every second.

I went over to my office and turned the doorknob, immediately realizing it was locked and that my keys were on my ID and that my ID was gone. Well, I had a spare, but that was inside of my office. Or inside of my car. I couldn’t remember.

How useful.

I could only fix my desperation to feel productive if I had my computer and it’s not like anyone was here to catch me picking the lock.

I looked up at the corner of the room.

Aside…from the cameras.

I groaned and jostled the doorknob while trying to brainstorm my next course of action. I didn’t feel like waiting all the way until Monday. I couldn’t wait all the way ‘till Monday.

“Well, look who finally decided to show up.”

I jumped and whipped around, immediately ceasing my search for a bobby pin in my pocket. Cason had more hair than me, so I thought I’d have better luck, but eh.

I leaned against the door as my coworker spun his lanyard on his finger.

Matthew.

I was trying to avoid him like the plague.

“Hey…” I muttered.

“What? You locked out?”

I rolled my eyes.

“I’m gonna take that as a yes.” He snickered and combed a strand of his wavy, yellow-blond hair behind his ear. I still wished he’d wear his natural color or at least stop growing it out. Excluding attire, his looks and behavior still screamed frat boy.

“Where the hell have you been, eh Toby? Russel called you, so did Lori—I for one know I called you seven times. And I left a voicemail.”

“My phone was dead.” I muttered.

He laughed and walked closer to me, though my back was already against the door, leaving me with nowhere else to go.

“So? Fuckin’ charge it! God…” He rubbed his face. “I’m glad you finally made an appearance. I was afraid you were gonna be fired for job abandonment. No call, no show!”

“It’s only been a day.”

Matthew hung his glasses off his shirt and sighed, rubbing his eye. “I don’t understand you. You think you rule the world or something? You never have to call in sick?”

“Stop acting like my boss! Gimmie a fuckin’ break! I’m so tired of you!”

He smirked and leaned forward, unphased. “Go on, Toby, tell me how you really feel!”

I shoved him. “Get out of my face! And stop calling me that!”

He sighed. “This is how you treat me after all I’ve done for you? A shame, truly. You’ve been quite literally insane recently. What’s been going on with you?”

I held my tongue.

“What is it? You breakup with somebody?” He snickered. “Serves you fuckin’ right for cheating on me.”

“We’re not dating.” I hissed, but every time I pushed Matthew away, he came back in.

“C’mon Toby, you’re not fooling anyone. I can read you like a book.”

I rolled my eyes and avoided his gaze as he stared at me. 

“Your body pretty much says everything your mouth won’t.”

He grabbed my hand, and I pulled back, scoffing. “Leave me alone. I don’t have the patience for you. I have places to be.” I snatched his lanyard and used his key to open the door that led to my office. 

“Stop giving me attitude. You’re the one in the wrong—where the fuck have you been? For the past week you’ve been gone mentally and yesterday you were gone physically.” He followed me inside, closing the door. “If I don’t annoy the shit out of you, you’ll disappear for good before I know it!”

I whipped around. “And you’d love that, wouldn’t you, huh?! So, you can take my role and boss everyone around! You don’t give a shit about me! You just wanna get me fired!”

“If I wanted to get you fired, I would’ve done it ages ago.” He stated proudly. “Calm your tits, Toby. Just tell me what it is.”

I grabbed my bag from behind my desk and put away my computer. I found my spare ID in my bottom drawer and shoved it into another one of the pockets, along with a few other items that could be useful. When I looked up, Matthew was right in front of me again and I staggered back.

“Matthew, I’m gonna punch you.”

“Do it. I welcome it, even.” He leaned forward, smugly grinning at me. My stomach turned.

“What is it, huh? You going through a breakup? Family troubles? You afraid of me or something?” He snickered and rocked on his heels. “If you don’t respond, imma just assume you’re on your man-period and tell everyone in the office!”

“I was in a fucking house fire!” I yelled and forcefully shoved him backward as he barely caught himself.

“I—what?”

There was an awkward silence for what felt like hours. Matthew’s olive eyes looked me over and for once, he seemed to care. However, it wasn’t comforting coming from him. Nothing ever was.

He made his way back over to me and placed his hand on my chin, lifting my head. His rings were cold against my skin.

“What?” He repeated. “Was it someone else’s house or…?” He stared at me. “Tobias, holy shit.”

I pushed his hand down. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

He scoffed. “No, you’re not! Where the hell are you staying? Are you in a hotel? A motel? There’s no way you’re staying with family.”

“N-No, I’m staying with a neighbor.”

“The hell? Last time I checked, you never talked to anyone in your neighborhood.”

“W-Well, yeah, but we’re actually close in age.” I sighed shakily, trying to keep my composure. I couldn’t imagine telling this to anyone else. “He lives two doors down from me and he did a few headshots for me last week… It’s not like we’re strangers.”

Matthew sat on my desk. “Seriously? You’re staying with a random art student who I doubt can even support himself.”

“He already graduated college—that’s not true. He’s good at what he does. He literally dragged me out of the house to buy things I needed today!”

The man rolled his eyes, disappointed. “You make the stupidest decisions sometimes. I’m not even gonna begin to ask why you’re defending this rando,” He sighed and got back up, grabbing my hand. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

I tried to pull my hand back, but Matthew wouldn’t let go. 

“I have a guest room.”

“So does he.”

“And a king-size bed.” He pulled me closer to him.

“S-So does he.”

Matthew rolled his eyes. “Just stay with me. I live closer to the office, we wear the same size, I sure as hell know you better—you won’t have to freak out about freeloading off some stranger.”

“I’m not—”

“Tobias, I know you. You’re independent and I’m sure living off some art kid is destroying your ego.”

“He’s twenty-six and I’m fine.”

“You’re not fooling anyone.” He whispered. “At least not me. I can get you whatever you want.” He smirked. “And if you feel bad about not paying rent, I can think about a few substitutions while you get back on your feet…

“I’m not having sex with you.” I disclosed sternly.

“And if you had a nickel for every time you’ve said that!” He laughed. “I think you’d already have enough money to make a down-payment on a new house.”

“Stop exaggerating.”

“Then stop lying. And resisting.” He snickered. “Easy fix.” The man pushed me up against my desk. “How’d it happen?”

“H-How’d what happen?”

“The fire.”

I leaned my head back. “I don’t…wanna talk about it.”

Matthew sighed and pulled me into a hug. I quickly tensed up. I rarely hugged anyone, and he was the only one who ever touched me, but now I had Cason as a comparison. And God, Cason was better on so many levels in a lot of areas.

“Toby.” He whispered and gave me a chill. “Just talk to me. You haven’t been yourself for a while now and I’ve been waiting for you to say something. Please Talk to me. It’s just us in here.”

Frankly, I think I’d done enough talking. I already embarrassed myself in front of Cason, the last thing I needed was to fall apart in front of Matthew because I knew he’d only take advantage of me. I knew the type of person he was. He’d play his cards right and say what people wanted to hear and with me, he found any excuse to get his hands on me and get his way. 

Despite the realization, I could never seem to escape. I guess I was in too deep. It had been years, after all.

The problems were endless.

Those who worked under me couldn’t seem to do their jobs or at least do them right, so I either had to re-explain things hundreds of times or do it myself. On top of that, everyone wanted to backtrack on overcomplicated plans that had already been put into action months ago. Then I had Matthew quite literally on my ass everyday if I turned my back to him for more than a second, my dad who just wanted my money, my brothers who never talked to me anymore, mom who could go berserk at any, and to top it all off, Cason.

It wasn’t even Cason that was the problem—he was perfect—the issue was me. Not only do I never drink during the week, but I always avoid drinking when pissed. Alas, his desperation to hang out with me made no sense and the confusion merely angered me. I wanted him to stop complaining.

On the upside, I learned how nice his company was but staring at him for too long that night rewired my whole brain as a result.

If he hadn’t shoved me off, we would’ve gone all the way. I still couldn’t explain the kiss and tried to avoid the subject, but if he had never stopped me, I think we’d have a few too many problems on our hands.

Imagine that. We never had a single conversation and then the moment he gets me drunk, I sleep with him.

I felt awful.

My filter was gone and I’m sure I freaked him out too. From the looks of it, he overthought everything, so I could only imagine how I fucked up his flow.

I was already stressed out and infinitely tired, but after that night, I was so guilty that I couldn’t even sleep anymore. I wanted to apologize, but I never did. I wanted to forget it all, but I could never clear my head. I’d see him in the morning and when I realized he kept his gaze to himself, I knew I fucked up.

This is why I was single. This is why I didn’t have any real friends outside of work. I couldn’t socialize and whenever I tried—whenever I wanted just the slightest bit of attention, I’d always make some irreparable mistake. 

I was always desperate for approval and wound up having many friends that only wanted me for my money. They didn’t want to know me and whenever I happened to mention my sexuality, that tainted my wealth and they’d find someone else who fit the default rich guy description. I was good on the surface, but my actual substance scared people off.

People understandably took it as a bad sign when I happened to explain my estranged family, lack of a social life, and addiction to my job to make myself feel worthy.

Women being turned off by my honesty was one thing, but male friends were just as troubling.

And that’s where Matthew came in. It’s not like it was good attention, but he’d said “unwanted attention is better than none at all” so many times that I started to believe it.

I wasn’t worthy of a relationship.

I wasn’t really worthy of anything.

“Toby…” He whispered. He had his knee in between my legs as I was pushed up against my desk. I had nowhere to run or anyone to call for.

The office was empty and even when it wasn’t, I never called for help. I was too scared. It was funny to imagine. Tobias Phillips, scared. Little did everyone know, I felt like that all the damn time.

I was drowning in the sea that was my own life. I only had myself for assistance, but I’d never had any answers and would only sink deeper as a result. The easiest thing to do was to keep powering through until I inevitably stopped—until I worked myself to death, drank myself to death, missed too much to sleep and got in a car accident—you name it. It’s a shame the house fire wasn’t my conclusion. Now I had to experience the aftermath.

Even if I died, at least I wouldn’t have lived a meaningless life. Public school systems were insane no matter where you were, so at least I contributed to making them a little less like a living hell. Or at least in Northern Delaware.

Matthew planted soft kisses across my jawline as my poor excuse for a life played through my mind. The only upside so far had been Cason and I still felt like I couldn’t even do that right. I tried to keep my composure because I knew things would only get worse if I broke down in front of Matthew over this shit, but when I’d try and push him back, he’d tighten his grip on me.

He grabbed my chin and pressed our mouths together as I fidgeted under him. God, it was nothing like Cason and even if it was, I don’t think that’d make me feel better.

“M-Matt, not right now—” I tried to lean back but he pulled me in, slipping his tongue into my mouth while I was distracted.

He lifted my leg and sat me on my desk, pulling our groins together and feeling how aroused he already was only worsened my nausea.

I just wanted to go home.

“Why not? No one else is here.” He whispered against my lips and slipped his hand up the front of my shirt. I tried to get him to back up, but he didn’t care. “You can’t whine about getting caught this time.” He kissed me softly again.

“It’s not that, please.” I begged as he slid his lips across my jaw and down my neck. I shuddered, though I was both freezing and overheating. I felt like I was gonna pass out. I knew it wasn’t like last night—at least I think—but it started to feel just as bad.

As Matthew violated my torso, he suddenly slowed. “Wait, did you get burned?” He lifted my shirt before I could answer. “Toby…holy shit.”

“S-Shut up,” I huffed and scooted back on my desk, knocking over a cup of pens. 

“Where else were you burned? Just up here?”

“Shut up,” I repeated, louder. I hated it when he tried to act empathetic. It was all just an act in the end.

“Tobias, let me help you.” He grabbed my face and pulled me close again, so our noses were almost touching. He let my shirt down and slid his hand across my thigh. “You know I’m good for you. I’ve helped you before. Just set your ego aside and let me in. You need it.”

“P-Piss off.”

“You’re only mad because you know I’m right.” He sighed. “Just think…eh, Toby? You get zero action. I know you’ve got tons of pent-up emotions and frustrations—let me help you. Just let down your guard for once.” 

“Y-You can’t do shit for me.”

“I’m sure I can do more than your photography buddy.” He snickered, undoing my belt. “I doubt he’s even gotten to first base before! And if he went to art school, you already know that moron’s a bisexual. The dork plays for both teams but can’t seem to score on either side. He can’t do shit for you.”

I scooted back, lifting my knees. “Don’t fucking talk about him like that!”

“What?” Matthew laughed, leaning over me, continuing to maneuver his hand while staring me down. “You like him or something?”

“Get off me!” I raised my leg, but he dodged my kick and pinned me back down. 

“You do like him, don’t you?!” The man laughed hysterically.

“I like that he's nice to me!” I clarified. “F-Fuck—” It felt like I was wrestling with an octopus. He had done this so many times before that he practically had my moves memorized. We were the same size, but he was stronger and weighed a bit more.

“G-Get off!” I managed to knee him in the stomach, and he hunched over but as he went to grab me again, I scooted back, only to realize there was no more desk left.

I fell backward over the edge and landed on the ground, upside down with my legs still draped over the wood.

“Holy shit, are you okay?!”

“You don’t get to ask me that!” I hissed as Matthew ran over to my side. I quickly dodged as he tried to touch me, but we both froze as someone knocked on the door.

“I thought you said no one was working today!”

“I just wanted you to shut up!” He admitted.

“Matthew!!”

I attempted to fix my posture as he opened the door, though I quickly noticed Cason’s rose gold hair, despite being upside down. 

The freckled boy leaned past Matthew to look at me. “Tobias?” He asked with a concerned tone, despite his smile.

“How’d you get in here? You don’t have an ID!”

He snickered. “The janitor let me in! And I walked into the office next to yours by mistake originally, but the people in there actually gave me some cookies.” He flashed me his bedazzled plastic bag of sugar cookies. “Are…you okay?”

I rolled over and sat upright, rubbing my neck, praying that Matthew didn’t leave any marks.

“He’s fine.” My coworker interrupted. “We were actually in the middle of talking about something, so could you—”

“On the floor?” Cason started laughing. “It sounded like an avalanche right before I knocked on the door.”

“Who are you?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Cason scrunched up his nose and then Matthew grinned, glancing back at me.

“Oh…you’re Toby’s photographer, aren’t you?”

“Toby’s…photographer?” He suddenly started beaming, red-faced. “Wait, are you Toby??”

I shoved Matthew after getting to my feet. “Leave him alone! And leave me alone, for that matter! I’m so fucking tired of you!” I huffed.

Matthew rolled his eyes. “Whatever, whatever. You’re such a broken record.” He glanced back at me. “You know we’re not done. I always finish what I start.” He muttered, smirking. “That’s why you love working with me.”

I gulped as he put his lanyard back on. I hated to admit it, but I got the subtext. I went back and grabbed my bag from behind my desk as Cason leaned on the doorway, intrigued.

“Can I call you Toby?”

“No.” I organized the fallen pens and disoriented paper stacks.

“What, why? It’s so cute!”

I glanced at him quietly. I grabbed my key and left my office, locking the door back as Cason stared up at me, confused.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes.” I lied softly.

“You…sure?” Cason grabbed my hand as we walked to the elevator and my heart rate immediately sped up, as if I wasn’t already panicking enough. I was worried he’d notice my trembling or my sweaty hands. I still felt like I was gonna throw up.

Matthew glared at me and stared at Cason for a bit too long as we walked past him. Eugh.

“Yes.” I finally repeated, glancing at his freckled hand.

“Okay. Also, sorry for barging in. I was told to move my car and then I got tired of sitting in there.” He chuckled.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind. I’ve already seen where you work so I guess it’s only fair.”

Cason laughed. “True!”

When we entered the elevator, Cason pulled out his phone and quickly snapped a photo of us staring up at the mirrored ceiling. He snickered mischievously as he examined the screen and all I could do was smile at him. Smile because of that laugh, that hair, that grin, and smile because I knew I didn’t deserve him. He didn’t know what he was getting into.

I held his hand tighter, and he glanced at me.

“Even though the lighting is weird in here, I’m sure I could take some banger photos if I had my camera with me.”

“If you’re really set on that, we can come back.” I said as we left the elevator and quickly ended up back outside.

“Really?!”

I laughed softly. “Sure.”

He leaned into me for a second, beaming. “Haha! I think I should bring you on more errands, Toby!”

I glared at him. “Don’t. Call me that.”

Cason sighed as we walked around the block to whatever parking lot he moved to. “Why not though? It’s so cute.”

I rolled my eyes. “It just—! Makes me uncomfortable,” I trailed off. “People only really called me that when I was a kid and I hated it then, too.”

The boy turned red. “O-Oh. So, can I assume that coworker was one of the incompetent ones? That you don’t like.”

I groaned, smiling a little. “Well…no. He’s competent. He’s one of the few who actually gets work done, despite being really fucking annoying.”

Cason laughed. 

“He’s technically my assistant. We pretty much do the same shit, but our paychecks differ slightly since I’m ‘superintendent’ and he’s ‘assistant superintendent.’ Which I’m pretty sure he hates,” I sighed. “But at least he’s helpful. That is, when he’s not driving me insane.”

“Huh, interesting. It’s like you’ve got a sidekick!”

“Eugh…I suppose.”

When we reached Cason’s car, he unlocked it and turned on the engine, immediately blasting the heat afterward.

“So, he calls you ‘Toby’ just because he likes teasing you?”

“I guess. I’m not sure. I can never make sense of him.” I sighed and strapped myself in before Cason pulled back onto the road and headed towards his house. “He’s been doing it since high school.”

“You’ve known him since high school?!”

I laughed awkwardly, amused by his shock. “Y-Yeah. We weren’t close. Or at least for most of school we weren’t but I think he called me ‘Toby’ in hopes of fixing that. I wouldn’t go as far to say we were friends, but I was at least aware of his existence.”

“Damn.” Cason snickered. “Sounds like you were one picky teenager. Did he not fit your clique?”

I scoffed. “Nah, man. I was always alone. I thought it was weird that he wanted to be around me so much.”

“You guys are both oddballs then.”

Though, Matthew was significantly worse. His aura was unique back then, but he morphed into a creep as we aged. Back in the day, he went by his middle name and looked a stoner with matted hair that ran down his back, but he had a memorable face.

He transferred when we were juniors, but he still ended up being the person I talked to most out of those four years. Honestly, his presence was a bit comforting back then. He was still a flirtatious prick—slightly worse since we were immature teenagers with dirty minds—but it fit with the times. Now it was gross. He should’ve grown out of that by now. 

If people wanted me, it was only because of my money and looks. When it came to Matthew, he wanted the real me which, if you asked me, was nothing without the material fluff. Although, now he’d become a selfish prick who always had some ulterior motive that disregarded everyone’s feelings but his own. And it was sickening.

Hence, Cason’s demeanor was a breath of fresh air. Hell, being around him mimicked the feeling of taking a deep breath while standing by the ocean. 

I’d happily drown in his presence any day.