Rose Gold

That following Friday, I woke up to the sound of sirens, which was bizarre since I lived on one of the quiet streets in the neighborhood. It had been a week since I’d last talked to Tobias.

Today was my one day off since the fiftieth birthday party I was scheduled to photograph had been rained out and postponed. I couldn’t even recall the last time I had a free day, and yet, I still woke up at the crack of dawn without my alarm.

I had finally caught up on my missed hours of sleep and tried my best to keep my sleep schedule on track. I pulled the drawstrings of my blinds and I saw a heap of smoke coming from a few doors down. I booked it down the stairs and went onto my porch to see my once quiet, inconspicuous street lined with police cars and firetrucks, surrounding one of the town homes that was engulfed in flames.

Neighbors and bystanders stood on their sidewalks and porches still in their pajamas, observing the smoldering heap of wood and glass.

And then I realized how many doors down it was.

That was Tobias’ house.

He didn’t look injured as he stood in front of the crowd in his pajamas like the rest of them, watching the firefighters extinguish the building as the spectators murmured and lost their minds. However, Tobias stood there like a statue, emotionless, but clearly not amused.

All I wanted was to run over and comfort him somehow, but my feet were still planted on the sidewalk. This meant he would have to move, right? There’s a chance I’d never see him again and given where we left out, I’d doubt he’d agree to hang out with me if I called him.

When the house was finally extinguished, the crowd dispersed, and the spectators returned to their homes. Tobias was talking to the firefighters and police officers for a while but by then, I had given up approaching him. I knew I should do something, but I proceeded to sit on my porch with my gaze stuck to the ground, pondering.

He’d probably need food or clothes, and clearly shelter. Everything he had was burnt to the ground. Thank God for the firewall, otherwise the other townhomes would’ve endured the same damage. I had a free room…but would he want to stay with me in the first place? 

Eventually, the emergency personnel left his side and he continued to stand by the curb, bundled up in his robe. He looked like he was on the brink of tears. 

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I got up from the steps and made my way over to him in some flip-flops from my last beach vacation years ago. I’d had enough of being barefoot on the sidewalk. He kept his gaze on the remains of his house and didn’t notice me approaching him, so I tugged his sleeve.

“H-Hey…” I began softly and he glanced over. Though he was gloomy, I could still tell my presence caught him off guard despite his straight face.

“Oh. Um, hey.”

I stepped back a bit, fiddling with the drawstring of my pajama pants. “Are you…okay?” I asked cautiously, but immediately cut myself off before he could answer. “What the fuck am I saying?” I sighed. “Of course, you’re not okay—I just…” I rubbed my face and quickly noticed that he was flushed from the cold. 

“I dunno…” I mumbled. “The only people who have checked on you were the people literally just doing their job. Everyone else returned to their regular morning schedule and just…left you freezing out here.” I sighed. “Pisses me off…”

Tobias continued to gaze at me pitifully. Whenever he opened his mouth, he looked like he was about to break down. I couldn’t blame him. Although, it was hard to see coming from someone who was always so calm and collected.

“Thank you.” He rubbed his arms.

“Y-Yeah, of course.” I cleared my throat. “If you need something—anything, please let me know. I’ll do whatever I can to help. I know we…left on a weird note but we're friends,” I mumbled, unsure of my words. “I can’t just let you do this all on your own.”

He sighed. “You’re sweet.” He smiled a little. “But you really don’t have to.”

“I’m not doing it because I have to, I’m doing it because I want to. I’m serious.”

“Oh.”

I shrugged. “Do you…have anyone to stay with? At least temporarily?”

Tobias looked off to the side and shook his head. I found it hard to believe that he worked so much that he was really alone in the end, but I guess this was the proof. No family to stay with, no friends who could lend a hand—I doubt he had any coworkers he was close enough to who would suffice.

“I’ll figure something out.” His voice cracked as he spoke, and it made my heart drop.

“No, you shouldn’t have to go through this alone.” He tried to shrug me off, but I grabbed his arm, worried. “It’s not healthy. And I don’t think it’s safe either.”

The longer I held onto him, the more he began to tremble. He was trying to hold himself together, but I’m sure it’d all come crashing down soon. He had dark circles under his eyes and today was the first time I’d seen him with a five o’clock shadow. It’s not like it was unattractive, but it was out of character.

“Cason,” He began, his voice still uneven as he stared at the grasp I had on him. “I know we don’t really know each other but would you let me stay with you? J-Just for a day—I promise I won’t overstay my welcome! I just—” He covered his face. “I can’t stand out here any longer. I can’t keep looking at the debris and making eye contact with people’s pitiful expressions from across the street—”

“Yeah! No, that’s totally cool! You can stay for as long as you need.” I smiled, hoping to calm him down. “I have a free room! I-I mean, it’s like the junk drawer of rooms in my house but I could totally fix it. I mean, I also have a king-size bed. And! My basement is finished and there’s a pullout couch down there that you could turn into a room if you—”

Tobias pulled me into a tight hug. It was hard to ignore his rapid heartbeat and shallow breathing, but he leaned down, cramming his face into my neck before letting out a shaky sigh of relief.

“Hey…”

“I don’t have anywhere else to go. I don’t know what to do.” He whispered and I rubbed his back.

“Hey, it’ll be alright. I’m here to help.”

I felt him nod and when he finally pulled away, he avoided my gaze.

“Do you have anything at all? Like, did you save anything?”

He shrugged, combing his fingers through his hair as we walked back to my house. “Nothing but the clothes on my back…or at least not that I know of. The firefighters are dealing with that, so I guess they’ll let me know eventually.”

“I see.” I opened the screen door, and he followed me inside, us both relieved by the heat.

I removed my flip-flops as Tobias collapsed onto the couch.

“You hungry?” I sat on the armrest.

He shook his head.

“Do you want a change of clothes? Are you burned anywhere?”

Tobias paused before repeated the gesture.

“Well, if that changes, feel free to let me know. What’s mine is yours. I mean it.”

He nodded before placing his head on his knees, his hands clasped. Before my brain even tried to stop me, I rubbed his head, combing my fingers through his silky hair. Though, it kind of smelled like ash. All of him did.

“Don’t you have work?” Tobias asked after a few minutes of silence.

“I’m off today.”

“O-Oh.” He sat up and I retracted my arm. 

“What? Is that bad? I know you don’t need me to babysit you, but I can at least keep you company.”

“N-No…I just doubt this is how you pictured your day off.”

I chuckled. “Well, that’s true. But it’s been a week since I’ve seen you. It’s nice to see your face again.”

He finally smiled. It was small, but it was something. “Yours too.”

My grin widened as Tobias looked away, though I was still puzzled. I know he was happy to see me, but his smile was still…empty. He was still holding it all in and it was starting to become impressive. Maybe he was in denial and the truth would sink in later.

“Hey, I’m gonna go clean out my guest room. Just shout if you need something.” Tobias laid down on the couch as I got off the armrest.

“Mhm.”

His robe was slightly untied, and I could see part of his chest. I guess I’d never actually seen him shirtless. That night, it was just me. I combed my hair back and tried to take a deep breath with hopes of clearing my brain. It was a new week, hell, it was a new Tobias.

I made my way upstairs and entered my guest room which had become a storage closet over the past year. There was a twin-size bed, a side table, and a bookshelf, along with a few lamps, but everything was surrounded by my junk. It was about time that I cleaned this out anyway.

I had no clue how long Tobias would truly be staying for, but he needed his own space, and I wanted him to feel at home, at least a little bit.

I went in and out of the attic grabbing bins to store my shit in an organized manner, and after a few hours I ended up with a donation pile, a trash pile, and a keep pile which was either temporarily moved to the attic or stacked in the corner of the room.

I ran up and down the stairs grabbing trash bags as Tobias lay conked out on my living room couch. I went the extra mile and lugged the vacuum upstairs and after about an hour, everything was finally shiny and clean. I moved the radio from the kitchen up here and lit a candle before I stood in the doorway, admiring my work.

Hell, I wished this was my room. Even though I had a separate office, my workspace overflowed into…every room. Between the paint colors and furniture choices you could already tell an artist lived here but I’m sure each room looked like an explosion to any outsider. Which is why I never invited anyone over and always made plans outside.

With the remaining motivation I had left, I cleaned up my bedroom and finally moved my work clutter to its designated area. Eventually the clean freak bug died so I washed up and sat down in my office, working on a few projects from earlier this week while stuffing my face with pizza rolls.

Around noon, Tobias woke up and came upstairs, standing in my doorway half-asleep. He had the funniest bedhead—it was flat on one side and spiky on the other.

“What’re doing?” He mumbled while trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. “It smells nice up here.”

I clam shelled my laptop, despite it was connected to the monitor. “Oh, just work stuff. I cleaned up. Sort of.”

Tobias wobbled over and sat down in the swivel chair in the corner. “Looks nice.” He said with a stretch, but quickly had to regain his balance.

“Oh yeah, that chair’s broke as shit.” I laughed. “Don’t lean back too far. I had plans to fix it, but you see how that went.”

The man snickered as I pointed to the fresh new chair I had purchased as a replacement not long ago.

“Anyway,” I continued. “The guest room is clean if you wanna stay in there. And while I haven’t actively cleaned the basement, you can stay down there too. I’m rarely down there anyway so it’s free from most of my Cason-droppings.”

“Well, it’s your house. It’d probably be weird without the Cason-droppings.”

I smiled a little. “Fair, yeah. I also have an air mattress that you can put anywhere. And if you’re feeling frisky, my bed also fits two people.”

Tobias raised an eyebrow and I laughed. “I’m joking, I’m joking! I’m very territorial anyway. I sleep in the middle like a weirdo.” I shrugged. “Regardless, it’s still daylight so we don’t really have to decide on any of that until later.”

He nodded.

“Anyway,” I went on, spinning in a circle. “You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?” I stopped.

“No.” He rubbed his face, smiling at the floor. “Nothing was salvaged,” He muttered.

“…What?”

“Everything burned. Every last thing.” He took a deep breath. “All I have is my phone because I shoved it into the pocket of my robe on the way out. I just…” He kept his gaze on the hardwood. “I wish I could’ve saved something I cared about. At least one photo album or an old keepsake…I just…

I got up with the plans to comfort him, but he quickly stood up.

“I’m going to the basement.”

“Tobias…”

He shook his head and left, closing the door behind him.

What the hell even happened? What caused the fire? If he didn’t know, I’m sure the firefighters would’ve told him by now. I stood in the middle of my office, trying to think of ways to help him. All he asked was to stay with me—nothing else. So far, no clothes or food, and he hadn’t decided on a room either.

I wasn’t sure if my company was even helping.

I went down to the kitchen and started making some tea for him and I.

I guess it could’ve been anyone though. He just wanted out of the cold. I wasn’t convinced that being alone bothered him; I just doubt he wanted to add homelessness to the mix.

After dropping the tea bag into one of the mugs, I grabbed my favorite brand of cookies out of the pantry and stood at the top of the steps in a band tee and some patterned sweatpants that were completely unrelated.

Though as I stood in the doorway, I paused.

I could hear him crying.

The lights were off.

No wonder he wanted to go to the basement. He wanted to be alone and even if he wanted someone to cry on, I was likely a last resort.

The sound was heart wrenching.

I guess he couldn’t hold it in anymore and I couldn’t blame him. I placed everything back on the counter before returning to the stairs and taking a deep breath.

“T-Tobias?”

The crying stopped.

“I know asking if you’re okay is pointless but…just know I’m here if you need me.”

He stayed quiet.

“You don’t have to be fake around me, okay?” I said from the top of the stairs.

I heard him sniffle. 

“I’m fine…” He hiccupped and I scoffed.

“Tobias—” 

“Just go…” I caught him muttering. “It’s not your business. It’s fine.”

I held my tongue and took a deep breath before leaving the kitchen. There was no point in fighting or forcing the facts out of him.

I returned to the second floor and scrunched up on my bed, reading an old magazine I found under the bed in the guest room. I used to hoard Architectural Digest and I was interested to see why past Cason had marked this one up. I had my laptop on my bed and worked on and off, though it was weird feeling fully refreshed. In comparison, the past few weeks felt like a blur.

While I didn’t need to eat anything else, I angrily scarfed down some of the cookies. While I wasn’t necessarily mad at Tobias, I was upset that I couldn’t seem to get anything right. Even before this accident, I only won him over when drunk. 

Sure, he was fascinated by my work but if I really interested him as much as he said, I’m sure he would’ve tried to make first contact. I felt like I was at a dead-end and honestly, he probably felt the same.

If he was pissed about work or—I don’t know—relationship drama or his rocky social life, he couldn’t even relax in the safety of his own home. 

I finished the magazine and tried to find another impractical distraction to avoid doing work on my day off, but as I dropped the collection of papers onto the floor, I heard a knock. I looked up to see Tobias, his knuckles against the doorframe.

My jaw dropped.

He was a mess.

I had been upstairs for a while now, but clearly, he was never able to calm himself. He was still crying, even.

“Y-You got a minute?”

I nodded frantically, quickly moving every displaced item on my bed to the floor. The taller man sat at the end while I leaned against the headboard. Did he want a hug or a pep talk? Did he just want to be around me? This was way out of my skill-range.

He wiped his face, staring at the floor. “Y’know…it hadn’t even been many years since I bought that house.” He sighed unevenly. “And yet, if another townhome in this neighborhood went on the market, I wouldn’t even be able to afford it.”

I gulped. The same went for me. There’s no way I could’ve bought this house on my own and nowadays I would never even stand a chance.

“Y-Yeah… The economy’s kinda fucked right now, but aren’t you rich? You’re like—an educational CEO!”

“No,” He muttered. “I have money but not enough to buy another house or new clothes or appliances.” He held his face, his tone growing colder. “I can’t fucking start over! The shitty apartments, the countless roommates, the instability—it was awful!” He cried and finally looked at me.

“And if I got an apartment, I’d drain my wallet paying overpriced rent all while trying to figure out the next steps.” He laughed harshly. “What’s the point of an apartment when you have no bed, no clothes, no fridge?! I-I can’t…”

I scooted over and rubbed his back.

“My paycheck is higher than high but that’s still not gonna fix this. Even my savings can’t fix this… I just don’t want to get in your way.”

“Tobias, it’s fine, okay? Take a deep breath.”

“B-But I can’t even do anything to pay you back. I’m just taking up space.”

“No, you’re not!” I wiped his face as he continued crying. “You can stay for as long as you need. I want to help Tobias, and frankly? I-I enjoy the company…”

He pushed my hand down and I sighed.

“You just need to tell me what I can do. What do you need? How exactly can I help you…?”

He gave me a sad look. “I don’t know, Cason. For once in my life, I don’t know. I don’t know anything!” He held his head, pulling on his hair. “Being alone was fine but adding lost to the mix…I can’t take it.”

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay! A-And I know that sounds like an empty promise, but I’ve got your back. I’m relatively useless…but I can try.”

“You’re not useless, Cason.”

I chuckled awkwardly as he took a deep breath. As he placed his hands back on the bed, I linked his pinky with mine.

“I guess.” I smiled. “But y’know, you should end up getting reimbursed for the damage. At least for your belongings, if nothing else.”

Tobias stayed quiet, tensing up.

“Then again…how did it happen? Faulty wiring? An abandoned candle?”

His eyes began to water again. “It was all my fault.”

“W-What?”

“I can’t think straight.” He muttered. “My brain’s been a mess for weeks now, and it’s only gotten worse. The same goes for work—I don’t even know how to handle it anymore. I-I guess the stress is getting to me.” He sighed and fiddled with the blanket. “I don’t even know the last time I got a full eight hours.”

“Holy shit, man. I mean…I know the feeling, sleep wise.”

“Yeah, but that’s because you’re working. I lay in my bed, praying to fall asleep, but I’m restless.”

“Do you have insomnia?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. Last night…I didn’t sleep at all. I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. Meds made no difference, nor did tea. I even tried exercising to tire myself out. Incents? Nothing. Changing my sheets? Nothing. Hot showers? Nada. That nap I had earlier today was a blessing.”

“Sure as hell sounds like it.” I rubbed his shoulder. “That’s…kinda scary. And unhealthy too.”

Tobias sighed. “Y-Yeah… Around five, I gave up and just got out of bed. I started making breakfast on the stove, but I was so fucking out of it man… Somewhere along the way, I passed out and when I woke up. Well, my fire alarm became my alarm for the morning.” He mumbled.

“Holy shit!”

“It had to have been going off for a while already. When I finally woke up, I was borderline surrounded. I was so exhausted that I managed to sleep through maybe the first ten minutes of it going off.” He covered his face, flustered. “By then, I just had to get out, but I was woozy and panicking and…I don’t know…by then it was a lost cause.”

I had no words. I could tell Tobias was reliving the accident in his head. No wonder he didn’t want to talk.

I grabbed his shoulders and turned him to look at me. “Hey, it’s okay—you’re okay. You’re safe, Tobias.”

“I-I just—” He panted, failing to form a coherent sentence.

“Just breathe. You made it out alive. I know you’re scared but you don’t have to worry anymore.”

“I-It was so bad!” He sputtered, unsure what to do or where to look or how to calm himself down.

I pulled him into a tight hug and fortunately got him to start taking deep breaths before it got any worse. I couldn’t stand to see him like this—crying his eyes out with no house in nothing but pajama shorts and a robe. He kept blaming himself, but I started to worry that  I played a part too.

Tobias hadn’t been thinking straight. Was that because of last Wednesday or was it separate? Maybe it was only work stress, but I doubt he’d wanna talk about that too. We were both undergoing personal problems that night, but maybe my presence made it worse.

“Did you get hurt?” I asked, but even when I let go, Tobias proceeded to hold onto me.

He shrugged. “I… I told the paramedics I was fine.”

“But…were you telling the truth?”

He held me tighter.

“Tobias…”

He eventually released me but hung his head and avoided looking me in the eye. I placed my hand on the belt of his robe, watching to see if he’d push back but he didn’t care at all. It was like he had given up.

I undid his robe and stared at his upper body, revealing the few burns that covered his chest. There were a few on his arms and I could only assume that his back had some too, but it wasn’t anything too bad—just a few first-degree ones. But Tobias still sat there in silence, crying on and off.

I stood up. “Here. Come with me.”

He followed me into the bathroom across the hall and sat on the side of the tub as I dampened a washcloth. Once I rinsed it out, I carefully pressed it against one of the burns and he flinched.

“Do you even know what you’re doing?”

“Y-Yeah. I’m a sunburn magnet. You just need some cold compresses and some aloe vera,” I mumbled.

I knew what I was doing, but I was afraid of hurting him and making this experience worse. It was weird rubbing the top half of his body, but I tried not to get sidetracked. I slathered the ointment on his minor wounds, washing my hands afterward.

“Thanks.” Tobias stood up as I dried my hands and started digging in the closet.

“Hold on, not done yet,” I muttered and grabbed some bandages. “Just let the areas dry for a bit and then I’ll finish up.”

“Mhm.”

We stood in front of each other in the bathroom, unable to come up with a conversation starter. Tobias had stopped crying, but his face was still flushed, not to mention his puffy eyes. I couldn’t help but wonder if part of him blamed me for everything. I was often…good at causing problems.

“I uh, I like the moles on your back.” I admitted awkwardly.

He raised an eyebrow. “Uh, thanks? I think?”

I forced a laugh to fill the silence. “I dunno. Sorry. I mean, I’m not surprised that you’ve got a nice back to match your nice face. Chest too, I guess.”

“O-Oh.”

“Sorry, that was weird. Kinda just came out,” I unrolled some of the bandages and Tobias tensed up as I touched him again.

“It’s fine. It was funny.”

I concentrated on quickly but evenly wrapping his left upper arm. “You didn’t laugh though.”

“I’m kinda…” He shrugged, “bad at doing that right now. Doesn’t mean I don’t find you amusing though.”

I gulped, moving onto the other side of his body. “Is it a good type of amusing or…a bad type of amusing?”

We glanced at each other.

“Good.”

“Okay.” I smiled a little. “So can I assume that my stupid outbursts are improving your mood at least a little?”

He shrugged as I finished bandaging him up and cleaned up the supplies. He followed me back into my room where I gave him a T-shirt and a change of pants since it was way too cold for shorts, even inside.

Afterward, he laid down on my bed and curled up into a ball.

“You need some Tylenol?”

“I’m okay.”

I leaned over him, but he eventually sat up and I staggered back before he headbutted me. “You…sure? You can ask for anything.”

“Anything?”

“Uh, yeah.”

His face turned red. “C-Can I hug you? Again?”

I grinned. “Sure! You don’t have to ask for that,” I laughed and pulled him into an embrace as he rested his head in-between my neck and shoulder.

I occasionally rubbed his back, careful to avoid where the burns were, and he held me quietly for a while. However, I eventually felt him start crying and dampen my sweatshirt. I combed my fingers through his hair, hoping to calm him down, but I think I’d done all I could for now.

I enjoyed holding him, but I felt terrible.

It almost felt like we had switched personalities, and I was convinced I was to blame.

It took a while for Tobias to pull himself together, but by evening I think he ran out of tears. He called his insurance company, but he kept getting redirected to different departments and when he finally found the one he needed, they claimed they couldn’t help him until a later date. Eventually, his phone died, but I was of no help since my phone had a different charger. But once it died, he gave up. He didn’t know what to do with himself.

He was so broken.

It hurt to watch.

I enjoyed being around him, but I never wanted it to be like this. 

Around dinner time, Tobias laid on the table, still trying to turn on his dead phone. I was starving and from what I could tell, he hadn’t eaten anything all day.

I worried that he’d refuse to cook or eat since the fire started in the kitchen, but I could always cook for him, even if it wasn’t my strength. He could at least have some frozen pizza rolls and I always had frozen chicken nuggets to heal my inner-child.

“You hungry?” I leaned against the doorway to the kitchen.

“I’m fine.”

He always said that. He wouldn’t stop and it was obvious that he was lying. Maybe he didn’t want to bother me but being barred from the truth only stressed me out more.

“You sure?”

He nodded, despite his stomach gurgling immediately afterward.

“Want to…go out to dinner? It is Friday night, after all.”

“I don’t really have much spare money right now.”

“It’ll be my treat! I’ll even drive if you want to get a drink.”

He sighed and finally put his phone down. “I’m fine, Cason.”

“No, you’re not! You haven’t eaten all day! Obviously not breakfast, no lunch, no snacks—I know you’re not okay,” I frowned.

“I’m afraid I can’t keep anything down,” He finally admitted. “I’ve been shaky and nauseous all damn day.”

I sighed. “Then let’s start small. I can just make you a sandwich or something. Personally, imma have breakfast for dinner, but I refuse to let you go to bed hungry.”

Tobias leaned on his arms and closed his eyes. “Okay…”

I wandered back into the kitchen to warm up some waffles in the toaster while I made him a sandwich. I cut the crusts off the edges and sliced them into triangles just for the hell of it. When my waffles were done, I covered them in powdered sugar and returned to the table. Tobias sat up as I handed him his plate.

“PB and J. Nice and basic.”

He glanced at my chaotic meal. “Heh. Yeah.”

He examined the slices for a while as I devoured my waffles.

“Everything good?”

“You cut off the crusts.” He finally picked one up and took a bite.

“Is that…bad?”

He shook his head. “No. It’s cute. Very…Cason.”

I turned red and when Tobias noticed, he finally smiled.

“I-I see…” I cleared my throat. “Anyway, you want something to drink?” I got up from the table while trying not to get powdered sugar everywhere.

“You got wine?”

I snickered. “Wine with PB&J? That’s a new one.”

Tobias chuckled a bit, but I could tell he was serious, so I returned to the kitchen and dug around in my liquor cabinet. I typically saved wine for parties, hence there wasn’t much because I rarely hosted. Still, I found one of my favorites and sat the bottle beside him after pouring a glass.

“Thanks,” He mumbled as I sat down.

We didn’t speak for most of the dinner, and I ended up pouring myself a glass just to tone down the awkwardness. Tobias was still hungry after finishing his sandwich, so I offered to make him my chaotic excuse for breakfast, which he ended up enjoying somehow.

He seemed less on edge which led me to believe that he was hangry and sad. 

I kept an eye on the bottle of wine, and we only had one glass each. He seemed like the type who dealt with his problems by drinking and not only wasn’t that healthy, but I didn’t want him to…lose his mind, per say. I couldn’t lie—I wanted him to kiss me, but I wanted us both to be sober and for it to be because he liked me. Not because he was drunk, horny, and I was the closest person to him.

I finished clearing the table and and when I looked up, Tobias was leaning on the doorway to the kitchen.

“Hey, I know I’ve kinda been a pain…recently, but I still want to thank you for all of this.”

I washed my hands in the sink. “Hm? Oh. Yeah, don’t even mention it! You’re fine. I won’t say I understand what you’re going through, but I can empathize.”

He laughed softly, though you could still sense the melancholy undertone.

“By any chance, do you have sleeping pills?? As I’ve noticed, just because I’m exhausted beyond words doesn’t mean I’ll be able to sleep.”

“Ah.” I dried my hands and started digging through the bin of medicine I had above the counter. “There should be melatonin in here somewhere…” I struggled, trying to stand on my tiptoes to read the labels.

“You need help? I can help. I asked, after all.” He made his way over to me.

“N-Nah, I’m good!” I climbed onto the counter. “I do this all the time.”

I started emptying the bin as Tobias watched me with uncertainty. I grew to realize half of these medicines I hadn’t needed or taken in years. Expired antibiotics, anxiety meds that never did their job, allergy meds that only stopped my eyes from itching and nothing else.

“Aha!” I beamed, grabbing the container as the others on the counter rolled onto the floor, some of which Tobias caught. “Found it! I should probably clean this out.”

I handed the taller man the container and he examined the label.

“Thanks. You sure you wanna do that right now? It’s getting late.”

“Eh, I’ll be fine. You can have those. If they don’t work though, you can shout for me, and I’ll look for something else.”

I expected Tobias to leave but when I turned around, he was still behind me. We made awkward eye contact before he went to the cabinet and poured himself a glass of water. He placed the bottle in his pajama pockets.

“All good?”

He shrugged. “I hope. We’ll see. Thanks again.”

“Of course!” I beamed and flashed him a thumbs-up, but as I placed my hand back on the counter, I slipped on the half-empty bottle of allergy meds. Though, before I fell fully off the counter, Tobias caught me.

“See, I had a feeling you would fall. That’s why I hadn’t left the kitchen yet.”

I let out a shameful laugh, my face burning up. “T…Thanks.”

“Are you normally this clumsy?” He looked down at me for a bit before placing me upright on the tile.”

“I-I don’t know. I’m just kinda scatterbrained right now.” I admitted softly.

“Why? Because I’m here?”

I gulped. “Maybe? N-Not that I don’t like having you here!” I clarified and rubbed the back of my neck. “I just rarely have guests, so I’m not really sure what I’m doing or should be doing.”

“I see.” Tobias looked me over before taking a step forward and ruffling my hair. “Well, don’t overthink it. You’re doing everything just fine, if you ask me.”

I looked up, grinning. “Y-You think?”

He kept playing with my hair which only increased my heart rate and no matter how much I fidgeted, it wouldn’t slow.

“Yeah, you’re a good host. Key to being a good host is being a good person overall and I've only gotten green flags from you so far. You're selfless, patient, good at seeing things from other people’s point of view…”

“Y…You really think that?”

He raised an eyebrow, combing a strand behind my ear. “Don’t you?”

I tensed up.

“Or…is that where your self-esteem issues come in?”

I bit my tongue. I couldn’t seem to look him in the eye or even format a response. When I stayed quiet for long enough, Tobias sighed and eventually pulled his hand out of my hair.

“What’s your natural hair color?”

I blinked. “W-What? Oh. Pink.”

“You were born with pink hair? I find that hard to believe.”

I crossed my arms smugly and made my way out of the kitchen. “Yeah? Well, you better believe it. I’m an enigma!”

Before I got to the living room, I felt Tobias’ hand in my hair again and I paused.

“Yeah? Your roots are blond though if you look closely.”

I whipped around. “T-Then why’d you ask?!”

He smiled. “I wanted to hear it from you.” He chuckled as I felt my face heat up again. “I dunno. I was always curious, is all. Not that I don’t like it or anything.”

I started organizing the living room just to give myself something to do. “Thanks. I’ve been dyeing it since middle school, actually.”

“Always pink?”

“Yep.” I chuckled. “Always pink.”

“Well, I’ve always appreciated consistency.” He shrugged. “Nonetheless, it looks good on you. Very…Cason.”

“What does that even mean? Cason as an adjective?? Is it a good thing?”

“Yeah. There’re just some things I’ve noticed that seem like something only you would do. Cuz you’re—”

“Weird.” I mumbled. “Yeah, I know.”

He stood on the steps. “What? No. Well, yes—but it’s a good weird. You’re different. I like that.”

I placed the stack of magazines on the coffee table, and we stared at each other. His face was a little red.

I guess in order to claim I was his type back when he was shitfaced, there had to be a little truth to it. This seemed like valid evidence, at least. I still couldn’t ever imagine him dating someone like me. Maybe he was just curious—bicurious, even.

“Are you flirting with me?”

He laughed awkwardly, blushing more. “I wasn’t trying to. Sorry. Maybe these pills are actually doing something.” He grabbed the banister. “I’m…gonna try and get some rest.”

I nodded and watched as he disappeared up the stairs. It could never be regular, everyday Tobias saying that shit, huh? He had to be on something. I returned to the dining room and poured myself another glass of wine before closing myself back in my room.

I left my computer in my office so I wouldn’t get distracted and be up all night, especially on the weekend. Clearly, I was still the type of fool to work on his day off. It was nice, however, for my clock to still say PM when I went to bed. Though, as if my body were on autopilot from when I would usually sleep, I shook myself awake around two in the morning.

I couldn’t remember the dream I was having, and for once I don’t think it was one of the stupid falling ones. I feel like I hallucinated a scream but when I tried to doze back off, I heard it again.

I sat up with a yawn as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I listened for another outburst, but all I heard was slight shuffling coming from across the hall. I dragged myself out of bed and noticed a bit of light peeking out from under another door. I shuffled around in the dark, careful not to trip over the miscellaneous shit in the hall before I entered Tobias’ room.

The lamp on the night table was on the dimmest setting, but it didn’t take much light to reveal Tobias leaning against the headboard with his face in his knees, shaking.

He didn’t notice my presence, even after I called his name.

I rushed to his bedside, and he finally peeked at me after I began rubbing his arm, though he only seemed to freak out more.

“I’m so sorry!” He bawled while breathing as if he’d just run a marathon.

“Hey, it’s alright! You’re gonna be okay!” I combed my fingers through his hair. “You don’t need to be sorry. I promise.”

“I-I just—” He sputtered and tried to wipe his face, but the tears wouldn’t stop falling.

“You don’t have to try and explain anything, Tobias. It’s okay. Just try and take deep breaths.” I whispered as he trembled. “It’ll pass.”

“I-I can’t breathe—everything’s spinning—I feel like I-I’m gonna throw up,” He cried and leaned back on the bed, placing his arms over his face.

Despite how sweaty he was, he was covered in goosebumps.

I’d experienced countless anxiety attacks as a kid and while I eventually got medicated, I’d still experience them, only with less intensity as back then. In his case, he was smack dab in the middle of a panic attack.

Maybe it was a nightmare, or maybe he was never even asleep in the first place.

Half of what he continued to ramble was just unintelligible blubbering. Despite the deep-breathing or the grounding techniques I remembered from therapy years ago, I couldn’t get him to calm down. I was afraid that he was going to pass out which, in turn, would calm him down, but then I’d freak out.

Then I remembered how my dad would always help me.

He was always good at going on tangents and talking “at” people, but whenever I lost control, it helped. Stories about before I was born or back when he was my age—it never related to the situation, but the blatant confusion brought me back to reality.

I scooted closer to the headboard and continued playing with Tobias’ hair while trying to think of something stupid I did as a kid. There were countless options.

“H-Hey…so I know how earlier you were talking about things that were really… ‘Cason.’” I chuckled. “And I think I found one for ya. Maybe. I know I said I would always dye my hair pink, but I was in a phase for a while where it was half blond and half pink because I was obsessed with a K-Pop idol who wore his hair the same way.”

Tobias glanced at me, and I smiled awkwardly.

“It was my whole personality for almost a year,” I chuckled. “I’d only wear pastels to match his vibe and even tried to get my brothers to dye their hair other colors so we could all match one of the members.”

He sighed shakily and rolled onto his side, clutching his chest a little. “That is…very Cason.”

“Oh, and you know how Flint Lockwood had spray on shoes?” I snickered. “While I did have removable shoes, I wore the same slip-ons for two years straight because I drew all over them and refused to take them off. I’d wear ‘em to school, church, parties, vacation—it was awful.”

Tobias chuckled while sniffling a bit.

“I actually found them while I was cleaning out this room. They’re in the attic now, but I could get them out if you wanted to see.”

“You…” He took a few deep breaths. “You seem like the type to…draw all over your clothes.”

I laughed. “Yeah, and the moment I learned how to tie-dye shit in summer camp, it was over. I’m pretty sure my mom still has every single tie-dyed item I’ve ever given her, and honestly my grandma too. Meanwhile, my brothers thought it was dorky.”

Tobias rolled onto his back, covering his face again. “Are your brothers also dorky?”

I sighed. “Nah, just me. Concentrated all into one kid…”

I stared at Tobias’ torso as a bit of stomach peeked out from under his shirt. I caught a glimpse of the bandages but before I could stop myself, I placed my hand on his stomach. He was still shaky and sweaty, and I could feel his pulse in his gut…but he seemed at least a little better.

It was better than nothing.

“Do you have any brothers? Or—"

“No.” Tobias quickly cut me off.

“O-Oh. You’re an only child?”

He lowered his arm, still avoiding eye contact. “No…” He sighed. “I don't know why I said no. I have two older brothers, I just…don’t like them very much.”

“Is that why you’re not staying with them?”

Tobias hesitated and then nodded. It wasn’t hard to tell that mentioning his family would only worsen the mood.

I continued to creep my hand up his shirt, mainly because it felt nice to feel his stomach rise and lower. It’s not like it was doing any harm.

“Hey, are you okay?”

He shook his head.

“Do you wanna talk about it? Or did…it just come out of nowhere?”

He closed his eyes, still breathing heavily. “Just a nightmare that got a little too real. A-And…it only got worse when I woke up. And…” His voice cracked. “I-I’m sorry for waking you up, too.”

“Tobias, it’s alright. I’m glad I was up so I could try and help you.”

“I’m just so sick of crying.”

“But it’s better to cry than to hold this all in, you know?” I gave him a slight smile. “Trust me, I won’t judge. I’m a fuckin’ crybaby. This is nothing.”

He returned the expression, and I leaned over to wipe his face.

“I-I just don’t want this to be the next thing.” He stammered. “I already couldn’t sleep thanks to stress and now every time I close my eyes, I’m scared I’ll wake up in a fire.”

“Tobias…”

He grabbed his hair, his face growing redder again as he tensed up. “It’s just all going to shit! Everything’s falling to pieces…my house, my job, my fuckin’ family…” He tried to shield the tears that started falling again, but his shaky voice said it all.

“It’s like anything that gets too close to me gets fucking destroyed…” He sobbed softly. “A-And the last thing I want is for something to happen to you. Look at you!”

He sat up quickly and I leaned back, startled.

“With your princess-like hair and pretty eyes and your dorky grin! ‘Strawberry Samwell!’” He laughed, still crying. “You deserve to have a happy ending.”

“O-Oh.” I gulped.

“All I am is a fucking roadblock. An accident waiting to happen.” He smiled at the sheets. “Which clearly already happened.” He sighed. “This is all gonna go to hell in no time. I don’t belong here.”

“What? Tobias!” I grabbed his shoulder. “That’s not true!”

He shook me off. “I’m just gonna get worse, Cason! I’m sure the image you had of me beforehand has already withered beyond comprehension. I’m better off alone. It’s always been that way. I’ve already made it this far.”

I furrowed my brows. “Tobias, you just survived a traumatic event. Of course you’re not gonna be the same as you were a week ago! And that’s okay!” I sighed. “And…you made it clear that you don’t like being alone. R-Remember?” I looked off to the side. “When we were in the car?”

He paused. “I was drunk off my ass.”

“We had only just started talking then. Regardless, it means it’s something that passes through your subconscious a lot.” I stared at my lap. “You want a happy ending too. You practically said it yourself back then.”

Tobias grew more irritated. “Yeah, well people are allowed to dream. But I’m smart enough to know what’s realistic and you…all that shit will work out for you. You’ve been on a good path your whole life.” 

He wiped his face and squinted at the wall. “You’ll probably start your own photography business. Get famous and own a studio.. You’ll meet some artsy girl who’s just as cute and dorky as you and you’ll fall in love and probably have some fairytale wedding.” The man covered his mouth, lost in his own head. “W-With, I don’t know, K-Pop and flowers and tie-dye…” 

Tobias started laughing softly but it quickly turned into tears. “And you’ll get a puppy of some breed that’s super cute and fluffy. W-Which your wife probably found and fell in love with instantly because it reminds her of you.”

“Tobias—holy shit—stop. Please.” I could feel my face burning up. How in the hell did he think of all this shit?

The man snapped back into reality and wiped his face. “Fuck.” He glanced at me.

“I-I’m not gonna mention how weird it is that you’ve thought so much about what my happy ending would be like but…God. If you want that shit too, you can have it! You just gotta have the determination.”

“Honestly,” He sighed and laid down, gazing at me. “I think I’d be more on board with just giving you money for your crazy fairytale wedding. That could be my dream: Witnessing you in a fly tux marrying an IRL Disney princess in a barbie-grade ball gown. That’s as realistic as it’s gonna get.”

I stared at him, dumbfounded. “Words cannot express how fucking unrealistic that is.”

“What?”

I inhaled sharply and combed my hair back. “Tobias, I’m gay!”

His eyes widened.

“I-I’m not gonna marry some cute, dorky chick!!” I laughed anxiously. “Look at me! Look at my house! For fuck’s sake, man, look at my hair! You can’t seriously tell me you thought I was straight!”

Tobias looked star struck, but I wasn’t sure if it was positive or negative.

“I-I guess I assumed you were bi maybe…with a preference for girls.”

“And where the hell you’d get that from?!”

“I don’t know!” He shouted. “Leave me alone! I’m tired! And my everything hurts!!”

I stared at him as he melted into the bed, embarrassed. It was hilarious, but in truth, I couldn’t believe I told him. Hell, I yelled it at him. He knew I was gay. Maybe he had been convincing himself otherwise after that night. I guess I’d kinda been doing the same thing.

I huffed. “Whatever. If you’re so desperate to leave, I guess you have a good excuse now.” I got up from the bed, but Tobias grabbed my arm.

“What?”

I leaned back. “I’m sure you don’t wanna bunk with a gay guy.”

“What?” He repeated louder while sitting up. “Cason, I’m not a homophobe! I’m not afraid of being turned gay,” He muttered to himself. “And by you? Come on! You’re gonna turn me gay, ooooooo!” He mimicked a ghost before laughing and rolling his eyes. “You’re Cason. You don’t seem like the type who could even successfully do that.”

I squinted. “The fuck that’s supposed to mean?”

“I just…” He shrugged, smiling. “You’re Cason! You’re cute! And dorky! You don’t make moves on people.”

I stepped closer to the bed. “What? You think I don’t have the balls?”

“N-No!” He put his hands up. “That’s not it! I just mean…”

“What? You just mean what?” I glared at him.

“I mean…you did call yourself a pussy. Not that I’m calling you that, but by using context clues—”

I kneeled onto the bed and grabbed him by the collar. “Watch your fuckin’ back. I could make a move on you if I wanted to.”

Tobias appeared shocked, but quickly broke into laughter which only pissed me off more. I was starting to regret coming out. Being gay was bad enough but the shunning was multiplied if you were a bottom or outsiders claimed you look like one.

I got the same treatment all through high school. Not that I wanted to scare anyone, but no one took me seriously. Even in college I could never seem to leave a decent impression, despite the hope that people would have more brain cells by then. I was just cute. No one wanted anything to do with me. Either that or I was the perfect fling, and nothing else since I was embarrassing to be around.

Imagine how I felt to live in my own body. You think it’s embarrassing to be around me? Imagine being me!

While I normally would’ve loved hearing Tobias’ laugh after all this emotional baggage, it couldn’t make me angrier.

“Are you seriously mad?” He snorted. “Your face is so red! C’mon! You get what I’m saying though, right?”

I scrunched up my nose, but I couldn’t think of a comeback. I couldn’t think at all, frankly. I was too irritated. I tightened the grip I had on the collar of his shirt and slammed him down onto the bed, smashing my lips onto his before he could say anything else.

His entire body tensed up and he was frozen for a few seconds before barely kissing back, but by then I had pulled away just enough to see his stunned expression.

“Fuck you,” I hissed lowly against his lips before letting go and dropping him back against the bed. I returned to my feet and wiped my mouth. “I’m going back to bed.”

I refused to look back and slammed the door shut, only to immediately run to my room and panic over the stunt I just pulled. I was still pissed, sure, but that’s the last thing I expected from myself. I guess that’s why I couldn’t be up after hours. 

Twilight-zone Cason was a force to be reckoned with.