Rose Gold

The reality of our time being up didn’t sink in until I was sitting in the passenger seat of his car as we drove to the showing. Oddly enough, he was the one who wouldn’t run out of words. I sat there smiling and nodding as he explained what he was looking for and the shitty apartments he had back when he was in college. Regrettably, I only picked up every other word.

As we drove down the beltway, I realized I was more upset about losing a friend.

We’d still be dating, but he was my only friend thus far that’d spent time in my house. I was always paranoid about cleanliness or décor, hence why I always hung out with coworkers or old college friends at malls or restaurants. I was always the last person to offer to go back to my place at the end of the night. The quick fix would be to start hosting people, but there was no guarantee that any guest would love me or my house as much as Tobias did.

From the looks of it, the apartment seemed closer to his office, meaning he’d probably be able to catch up on sleep thanks to the shorter commute. There were a few others touring the place, but I followed Tobias like a puppy as he walked around and asked millions of questions while jotting down things in his notebook.

I had lived in the same house my whole life so most of my “open house” knowledge came from watching HGTV. I got a kick out of Tobias practically interviewing the realtor, but I couldn’t blame him for wanting to know what he was getting into. I ate some of the free snacks in the vacant living room while spectating the other visitors, and eventually found myself in the back of the apartment, staring out the window onto the balcony. The place was bigger than I expected it to be, given that I managed to lose Tobias until the last second.

“You look bored.” He came up behind me and leaned on my shoulder.  

“Nah,” I glanced over. “I enjoy eavesdropping on everyone’s conversations,” I laughed as he stood up straight.

“Good to know,” He closed his notebook and placed his pen in the spiral. “I was talking to that couple over there and they said there’s another apartment tour happening the next block over.” He paused. “Is it…cool if we go to that too? I only promised one, so it’s fine if you say no!”

I chuckled. “I don’t mind.” I grabbed his hand as we took one last look around the place. “I like new apartment smell.”

He smiled. “You sure? You can say no—I’m serious.”

“And I seriously don’t mind,” I nudged him. “You might as well tour as many as you can while you have the free time. And it’s still early—it’s not like we’re cutting it close to dinner or anything.”

“Fair point.”

“And also, I’m getting free snacks, so I don’t have any complaints.”

“You really are easy to please sometimes,” He laughed as we returned to the car, and in a few minutes, we were already at the next place on the list. “Out of ten, how would you rate the last apartment?”

“Uh…” I trailed off as a different realtor greeted us after we left the parking lot. “Solid six. The place was big, but the kitchen looked really outdated and I overheard that there weren’t laundry amenities in each one. And that big window in the back was pretty but drafty.”

“How generous,” He smiled. “I rated it at a five. It was…satisfactory, but too many things needed work and the price didn’t factor in any of it.”

Tobias shook the realtor’s hand as she introduced herself and we followed her inside. I watched as the man wrote another essay in his notebook about the place. By four-o-clock, he had run out of pages. One tour turned into seven and while we spent only around fifteen to twenty minutes in each place, I had lost the hype around tour three.

I investigated the business card of what felt like the hundredth realtor as Tobias interrogated another. On the upside, this place had been staged so I at least had something to lean against as I watched him go to and fro. On the contrary, they had no snacks.

The other people we ran across were all couples, which made me wish that maybe I was moving too, despite already having a house. All I wanted were the vibes. I’d pass on the tedious parts like making unrealistic rent on time.

“Alright, so I’m rating this one at an eight,” Tobias appeared beside me, and I had to act like he didn’t almost scare the piss outta me. “You?”

“W-What?”

He chuckled. “Overall, it’s the best one from today’s collection. The rent’s cheap too and the neighborhood is pretty nice,” He flipped to a page in his notebook. “And it’s in walking distance from that shopping center we get groceries from—with the GameStop.”

“Ah, that’s nice,” I glanced around. “Y-Yeah, I don’t have many critiques for this one. It’s a little smaller but I like the natural lighting and whatnot.”

Tobias nodded quickly, but his smile faded when I ran out of default observations that I hadn’t used for the six other apartments.

“Are you okay?”

“Um, yeah.” I glanced at the business card that was on its way to becoming a tiny fortune teller. “Is this the last apartment?”

“For today, yeah. I might look at some tomorrow—or are we still going to your parent’s place for dinner? Then again, there’d still be time earlier in the day.” He mumbled to himself. “I gotta look back at all the places I bookmarked. Now’s a good a time as any to take a break, I guess.”

I nodded and tore off the excess cardstock to finish the origami. 

Tobias turned to go back into the kitchen, but he noticed the paper sculpture and locked eyes with me. The longer he stared, the worse I felt.

“Are you sure you’re…?”

“Why do you want to leave so bad?”

He faced me fully. “What?”

“I-It’s like you’re in a rush to get away from me,” I mumbled, glancing around to see if anyone was nearby. “I mean, I know that’s not what it is, but I feel like I’m gonna blink and you’ll be gone.”

Tobias laughed awkwardly. “It’s not like I’ll be gone forever. Now that I know my price range, it seemed like a good time to start looking at places. It would’ve been weird to start weeks ago.”

“That’s not what I mean,” I stared at the paper in my hand. 

“I’m not rushing to get away from you,” He stepped towards me. “I’m in a rush to get out of your hair and finally give you your house back. I’ve totally overstayed my welcome and even if you don’t care, I still feel bad about it.”

“Maybe I like having you in my hair—figuratively and literally…” I stiffened. 

He smiled. “What?”

“Maybe it’s selfish, but I don’t want you to leave,” I avoided his eyes as my voice cracked. “I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to get in your way, and if you’re already set on giving yourself a well-needed reset, go ahead! I-I just…” I held my face. “I got used to you being around and I’m tired of being alone…but I don’t want to force you to stay out of pity.”

“Cason—”

“But at the same time, I knew I’d be more upset with myself if I didn’t say anything.” I crushed the small fortune teller. “I-I know it’s weird—we haven’t been dating for that long but the circumstances under which we became friends was weird to start with! Who cares what other people might think!” I finally looked back at him. “I’m not gonna disregard the fact that I’m probably dying to feel what it’s like to be in a normal relationship but—”

“Cason, stop.” Tobias grabbed my shoulders, blushing. “When I asked you to come along, why didn’t you just start with that?” He chuckled.

“I don’t know!” I covered my face again as I finally broke down. “I didn’t realize how upset I was until I said it out loud… I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize,” He wiped my face, but the tears only multiplied.

“I love waking up next to you and seeing you before work,” I mumbled. “A-And I like looking forward to seeing you in the evening and running stupid errands over the weekend. And I like it when you’ll have concerts with me while I’m doing chores or keep me company even if you have better things to be doing. Hell, the other side of my bed always smells like you, and I don’t think I’d be able to sleep anymore if it didn’t.”

“You say that as if I don’t love it too,” He ruffled my hair and pulled me into a hug. 

“But if you move, we won’t even be neighbors anymore. I won’t even be able to stare at you from my car like a weirdo,” I cried into his neck. “I know you’re trying to balance your work and personal life, but it’ll be even harder to factor me in if you’re across town. And maybe it’s better for it to be worth a little more effort but I don’t care.” I leaned back. “I want you where I can see you,” I wiped my face. “A-And where I can smell you and hear you laugh at all the stupid shit I do and where you can catch me when I trip over the patterns in the carpet, I-I just—”

“Cason, breathe. You don’t need to panic about me leaving.” He caressed my face. “I never wanted to in the first place…I just knew in any normal circumstance, it’d be the right thing to do. After spending so much time in your space, it seemed wrong to ask if I could continue to stay indefinitely, especially since the original plan was for me to find my own place somewhere down the line. I-I didn’t know how to bring it up,” He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I know you hate freeloading but that’s not what I’m trying to convince you to keep doing. We can split the household expenses like bills and groceries, I mean, we’ve already been splitting chores and shit. Hell, you can even redecorate random areas if you want,” My breathing finally slowed and I chuckled softly. “I want your shit everywhere, alright? I’m all for Tobias-droppings too, okay, I want you to be comfortable. You shouldn’t have to uproot yourself again.”

“Thank you,” He smiled.

“I want you and all your shit and all your baggage, emotional or physical, okay?”

“Okay,” He pulled me back in and leaned down to kiss me. I quickly felt his lips purse into a smile which only made me desperate to hold him for longer. His hands rested on my waist as I wrapped my arms his neck, but when I refused to let up, he slowly closed the gap between us as he hugged me.

The thought of waking up next to him every day made me feel fuzzy.

I’d get to keep putting notes in his lunch each morning and he could keep making me coffee. While I would be able to see him in suits more often, he’d always be able to lay in my lap and ramble about his workday. Despite him being my boyfriend, it felt like an eternal slumber party with a best friend, and I’d be dammed if I’d let it end.

To someone else, the speed at which I got comfortable around him probably seemed weird. Alas, unlike most, he didn’t like the idea of me being artificial, so I got to be myself from day one and he liked me nonetheless. I wasn’t too loud or messy or distracted—given that whenever I started the dishes, I’d usually wind up cleaning another portion of my house before they were finished since that’s just how much I hated doing them.

And, to top it all off, I could roam my house in my underwear without a care in the world. Although, I’d probably wind up thinking too hard about what underwear I had clean knowing that he was bound to comment on all my oddly patterned ones. 

Still, just like with ties, dress shirts, sweater vests, socks, and any other wearable item I had, he already knew me for my love of odd prints.

After losing my train of thought with my hands tangled in Tobias’ hair, I leaned back, only to make awkward eye contact with the landlord who cleared his throat, causing us to jolt away from each. The couple standing by him laughed softly before continuing their conversation as I brushed myself off, terribly pretending as if we hadn’t spent the last few minutes oblivious of the apartment we were supposed to be touring. 

“Well,” Tobias smiled at me with a red face. “Back on topic—can I assume that…sealed the deal of us officially living together?”

I blinked. “What?”

Tobias glanced back at the others. “The kiss, Freckles.”

“Oh!” I grinned, shaking my head. “Don’t call me that. But sure, handshakes are so last year.”

“Y’know,” He ruffled my hair before making his way to the door. “I find it cute how your definition of selfishness is always still courteous of the other party somehow. That is, at least for me.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I know. I-I can’t help it…”

“No worries. It’s sweet,” He chuckled. “Still, I’m sorry for wasting half your day with all this.”

“It’s okay,” I held his hand as we got outside. “I liked being with you. Meanwhile, I’m sorry for crying,” I muttered, directing my attention to a squirrel that ran by. “I didn’t mean to.”

Tobias laughed. “You don’t have to apologize for that.”

“But it was such an overreaction!” I forced a laugh to hopefully match his energy. “And we were in public,” I sighed.

The man shrugged as he pulled out his keys and opened the passenger door for me. “It’s not all bad. If anything, it just shows how much you care—not to say that I like seeing you cry,” He clarified as he got in the driver side, and we finally brought an end to his lengthy apartment tours. “I’m just glad you said something.”

“Me too,” I played with my jacket zipper as he drove.

“And honestly, good timing. We’ve got about an hour and a half until our reservation,” He glanced at me. “I would’ve felt like a total dick if I made us late with my bullshit.” He mumbled. “Regardless, we’ve still got time to stop home.”

“Good, cuz I didn’t spend an hour picking out an outfit just to not wear it,” I laughed. The restaurant wasn’t far, but I still found myself racing around the house as if preparing in advance ever stopped me from doing things at the last minute. My outfit was practically a draft since I still hadn’t found my dress shoes, the one cologne that I always wore on dates, or the cufflinks that Adrian got me two Christmases ago which I’d yet to find an excuse to wear. 

When I finally returned to the first floor in my navy suit vest and dress pants, I was startled by Tobias opening the front door and entering the house.

“Wait, where the fuck have you been?!” I whipped around as he laughed in the doorway, wearing a different suit from yesterday that was still just as charming. “I thought you were here!”

He smiled. “I was,” He began as he walked towards me and pulled out a bouquet of flowers from behind his back. “Knowing you’d spend ten years getting ready gave me the perfect opening to go and get these.”

My face lit up. “Holy shit—you got me flowers?! Why?!”

He laughed as I stuck my face in them. “Why the hell not? I had a feeling they’d get you to light up in such a way,” He swung his keys on his finger. “Seems I was right.”

“I don’t think I’ve gotten flowers since I graduated high school!”

“Not college?”

“Nope!” I grinned as I ran into the kitchen in search of a vase. Tobias followed me but when I turned around, he was holding my ceramic from weeks ago with Pinecone painted on the front. 

“How about this one?”

“Oh shit, yeah!” I watched as he filled it with water before I promptly displayed the bouquet. “See, when I get excited, I lose brain cells. Well—I’m sure you’ve already noticed that.”

“You’re fine,” He rolled his eyes, laughing. “And I know you said you like dandelions but since you obviously can’t buy weeds, I just found some flowers that looked…similar?” He paused. “I’m not a flower guy, but I tried. And the florist recommended I add some others for a pop of color,” He gestured awkwardly towards the vase as I placed it on the end table. 

“It looks nice! They’re really pretty!” I beamed, pulling him into a tight hug after my hands were free.

“So are you.” He chuckled while leaning down onto my shoulder. “You’re pretty and you smell amazing, and I know you clearly went out of your way to comb your hair, but I feel compelled to mess it up.”

I leaned back to find him grinning, although I was unsure if he was intending to go through with it. “I could say the same for you! I got so used to your hair not being slicked back.”

“I know. Now you’ll have to get accustomed to formal Tobias so you don’t try and seduce me anytime you see me in a suit,” He smirked.

“That was only yesterday! I’m fine now,” I puffed out my chest as he grabbed my jacket and helped me put it on.

“I’m sure you’re holding back.”

“So, what if I am?” I glanced back at him as I walked outside, and he closed the front door. “I’m doing a hell of a good job, aren’t I?”

“I won’t argue with that.”

After he unlocked his Corvette, I quickly hopped back into the passenger seat. We hit the road soon after, and I was eager to see him input the destination address into the GPS, but he already knew the directions by heart, thus furthering the surprise. I tried to wait patiently but I felt like a kid on a road trip, especially once I realized we had driven past his office. We were on the wealthy side of town where the row houses turned into sparkling single-family homes. Even in his car, I felt out of place despite my attempt to put together a more upscale outfit. 

Still, Tobias linking his arm with mine as we entered the restaurant made my anxiety subside given his opinion was the only one I cared about. After speaking to the hostess, we were led to our table, and I noticed Tobias’ smile as he pulled my chair out for me.

“What?”

“Nothing,” He snickered as I finally sat down. “I’m just glad I finally get to look at you in candlelight, per say. I love watching you zone out or take in your surroundings. I could tell your brain was running at a hundred miles per hour in the car.”

I rolled my eyes as our server introduced himself and brought us a plate of bread to start us off. “You were supposed to watching the road!”

“I can do whatever the hell I want at stoplights!”

I laughed before looking over the rest of the menu.

“I just wish I hadn’t waited so long before taking you out on a real date.”

I shrugged, brushing my foot against his leg under the table. “Hey, it’s alright. You had more than enough to stress over. And for two dudes who lack solid relationship experience, I think we’re doing pretty well so far.”

He smirked. “You think we look official?”

“I’d say so—yeah!” I pulled out my phone and snapped a photo of him as he scanned the appetizers, only to be exposed by the flash.

“Lemme guess? Photo evidence for your brothers?”

I shoved it back in my pocket. “N-Nah, just for me! If this is our first official date, I wanna make sure I have keepsakes!”

He leaned on his hand, smiling. “Are you the type of guy who takes interesting dishware from restaurants? Only asking because of the ungodly collection of glasses in the cabinet beside the microwave.”

“Those are actual keepsakes—like from weddings and parties I’ve photographed! Promise!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes!” I huffed as the server returned to take note of our drinks and explain the specials. Tobias ordered a rum and coke, only to snicker when I asked for a cosmopolitan, failing to fight the Sex and the City fanboy allegations. Still, the menu was too lengthy for me to be ready to order any food yet. 

“Have you brought anyone else here before?” I glanced up from the laminated booklet as our server left again.

He chuckled. “Nope, just you. Why?”

“W-Wait, really?”

“Yeah,” He shrugged. “This is one of my favorite places. I mean, it’s expensive but I love coming here to treat myself. I’ve never had any dates here mainly because I didn’t want to risk tainting my favorite spot if the relationship went to shit.”

“Fuck, I wish I hadn’t asked,” I forced a laugh as I hid myself in the menu. “Your expectations for me are way too high…talk about pressure.” I mumbled to myself.

He raised an eyebrow. “What? You think you’re gonna ruin this place for me?”

“Well, I don’t want to jinx it!” I coughed. “I dunno,” I shrugged. 

“Oh, come on—you speak like your existence alone is a relationship killer,” He rolled his eyes. “And from what I’ve heard, it seems like the issue was your common denominator of duchebag boyfriends,” He joked as he grabbed my hand from across the table, but I recoiled.

“S-Sorry, sweaty hands,” I stammered as I went to wipe them on the napkin in my lap.

Tobias let out a soft yet concerned laugh. “You really are paranoid.”

“History tends to repeat itself,” I mumbled. “It’s not you, I’m just…trying to stay vigilant for once. Sorry if that’s killing the mood.” I closed my menu. “Can we start over?”

“A third first date sounds wild. Cason, you’re perfect. It’s alright.”

Our server returned with our drinks just in the nick of time as Tobias began to order his favorite dish. Meanwhile, my eyes had been scanning the words without ever really taking anything in. Between the restaurant’s ambiance, the way he gazed at me across the table in his classy suit, and the sudden worry that I’d taint his memory of this place further down the line, I had no brain space to focus on the never-ending entrees. When Tobias went quiet, I froze while trying to remember the last thing I’d read on the menu.

“C-Can I have the shrimp and alfredo pasta? I mean—the chicken and shrimp alfredo pasta, yeah.”

“Sure, and you get two sides with that.”

I quickly reopened the menu in search of the page with the sides knowing damn well I wouldn’t find it in such a short window. “Do you have asparagus?”

He nodded.

“Yep.”

“T-Then I’ll do that,” I passed my menu to Tobias who then handed it to our server.

“And for your second side?”

“Oh.” I glanced around while internally cursing to myself. “Is more asparagus alright?”

“Yep,” He chuckled before reciting his notes to make sure he had the right order and returning to the kitchen. I took a lengthy sip from my cosmopolitan as Tobias laughed.

“Don’t fret—everything from here is good, the pasta especially. I’ll be happy to bring you back so you can try…the other sides. That is, if you want,” He smirked.

“Shut up!” I grinned as he successfully grabbed my hand back, although I’m sure I’d accumulated twice as much sweat in those few minutes.

I failed to avert my eyes as he leaned on his other hand, still eyeing me as if I was dressed like Prince Charming. It seemed surreal for him to be looking at me in such a way as opposed to the other way around. How he was enthralled by a man who looked fresh out of an Old Navy catalog—I’ll never know.

“You alright?” He asked, rubbing my hand with his thumb as he likely noticed my increasing blush.

“Yeah, y-y’know,” I pointed to myself, gesturing a spiral with my index finger. “My mind tends to race even when the environment doesn’t call for it.”

“Well, this is your first big date in,” He paused. “A while. I don’t want you to be anxious but the sight of it isn’t much of a surprise either,” He chuckled softly.

“Yeah, I feel like I need six more of these,” I glanced at my cocktail. “Not to handle you, but to handle myself,” I muttered under my breath, shaking my head. “It’s fine.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m not worried about this,” He gestured between the two of us. “Going to shit. Even our friendship started out rocky, so we luckily fast-forwarded through the whole walking on eggshells part.”

I nodded slowly with my gaze focused on the small flame in the middle of the table. 

“Has this place been my solo oasis? Yes. But maybe I’m fuckin’ tired of flying solo all the time,” He smiled. “I always make good memories when I’m with you. That’s why I brought you here. A-And also because the food is good.”

I chuckled softly, finally looking at him. 

“Although, I do appreciate how you speak up about what scares you. That won’t jinx anything. You can’t prevent something you’re not aware of.”

“Yeah, sometimes my anxiety is helpful. Maybe a solid ten percent of the time.”

“Hey, that’s better than zero.”

I smiled. “Yeah. Thank you for that, though. I need all the reassurance I can get regarding this whole dating thing.”

“Hell, me too.”

“Then again, I feel like I need to apologize,” I mumbled. Again.”

He raised an eyebrow. 

My leg began to bounce on the floor. “I just worry that I rushed you into this, on some level. I was obsessed with the idea of finally getting close to you, platonically and romantically, and I’m sorry.”

Tobias let out a confused laugh. “I—what?” He blinked. “There’s nothing rushed about this at all. It’s not like we’re making out, going to dinner, and having…relations all in the same week I came into your studio for a photoshoot.”

I shook my head, blushing a little. “No, I mean after what you went through with Matthew. I don’t know how long it takes to recover from things like that… I’m afraid I rushed your healing process or rushed you into a relationship when we both weren’t ready,” I forced a laugh. “…because I was dying to feel wanted.”

“Oh.” He let go of my hand and the change in posture immediately made my heart drop. “Nah, Cason, you don’t need to apologize for any of that—really. I’m not upset.” He stared at his drink and as he grew silent, the chatter from other couples began to hurt my ears.

“Healing from any sort of assault varies for each person.” He suddenly said. “You didn’t rush anything. If anything, having you around stopped me from wallowing for twice as long. Still, if I froze and fell apart every time something like that had occurred, I don’t think I would’ve even made it this far in my life.”

He took a sip of his drink. “I still hate that you had front row seats for it all, but you met me at a time where I could recover in a few weeks instead of a few months to a year. So, at the very least, it didn’t drone on for so long that I scared you off.”

“A-Ah… Well, I applaud you for being able to look on the bright side. I can’t believe he managed to trouble you for months on end.” I mumbled while staring at the wood grain of the table.

“Oh,” He fiddled with his sleeve. “No, Matthew was only the tip of the iceberg. While I was subjected to his bullshit on a daily basis, at least he was predictable and subtle, excluding the night you witnessed. I’m only able to get over his behavior thanks to what I experienced when I was younger.”

He shrugged and took a deep breath, leaning back in his chair. “It’s both a blessing and a curse.”

“Oh my God.”

“Yeah. Y’know—family friends and Christian summer camps. Hell, they were more like Christian boot camps.” Tobias rolled his eyes before noticing my expression. “Sorry, lemme not kill your appetite.”

“N-No, it’s fine,” I waved my hands. “Not that I want to hear about that stuff, but I’m immediately all ears whenever you decide to open up. Especially since it’s not something I would ask unprompted.”

“True,” He smiled a bit. “Well, when I was in middle school, I got the bright idea to come out to my family, to which my dad promptly signed me up for the Christian summer camp my brothers had attended since that was the closest he could get to a conversion camp,” He scoffed. “Long story short, one of the counselors had his eyes on me and despite reluctantly telling my dad about what happened after the season was over, he signed me back up the next summer.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?! Wait—did anything happen with your brothers? Or your cousins?”

“Nope, just me.” He sighed. “So, of course they all thought I was making excuses. By the time my dad listened to me, I had already aged out of the camp, and it didn’t matter anymore,” Tobias shrugged. “And before that, a friend of my uncle’s who often came over to play cards around the time when we had all left my mom—also…y’know.” 

“So that makes three,” I mumbled to myself.

“Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck, lowering his volume. “I’d like to say that I’m old enough to the point where I don’t care, but I think I hated myself more for never holding my own.”

“You tried! It’s not your fault that the people that could help, never listened.”

“And I think that’s part of the reason why I like you so much. Not only are you a selfless ball of sunshine, but you stuck by my side. You didn’t blame me, you didn’t abandon me, you didn’t laugh in my face or roll your eyes—you stuck around and even helped me get justice. And sure, it was only one person, but that’s more than I could’ve asked for.” I felt his foot against mine under the table. “Even when I turned into a scared little kid again, you stayed. And no one ever stayed. So, thank you for that.”

“O-Oh,” I attempted to swallow the lump in my throat. “Of course, Tobias. I love you. Even as a friend, I love you—and no one should’ve had to endure what you did, especially alone.”

“You look like you’re gonna cry…”

“W-Well, it’s your fault!” I laughed as a tear fell, although I quickly wiped it away. “You know me—I cry for myself, I cry for friends—I cry for everybody.”

“I-I just figured I should put it all on the table, y’know?”

“What? To make up for me constantly oversharing?” I smirked. “Kidding… I appreciate you trusting me enough to share that especially.”

“The worst part is that the history that would explain why I’m such a fucked-up person is likely to make you feel sick, hence why I haven’t disclosed much. I wish I had more good stories to share, y’know? That would make your face light up instead of causing you to break down or at the very least, wallow in pity…”

“Okay, first of all,” I started cutting myself a slice of bread. “You’re not fucked-up. And secondly? I just like when you let me in. Everyone wishes they had only good experiences to share, I’m sure, but that’s not realistic. I mean,” I paused to take a bite. “Holy shit, this bread’s awesome.”

Tobias laughed as I reached across the table, eager to let me feed him.  He happily obliged and nodded along before grabbing himself a saucer. “Huh, I think they changed it since the last time I’ve been here. Now I might actually risk filling up before the real food comes.”

“Exactly!” I grinned. “But as I was saying, my family stories are great and all, but I’ve dealt with countless unpleasantries, even before I started living on my own.” I sighed. “It’s nothing like what you’ve gone through, but we’ve all had our wars.”

“I think your better at shrugging it off than me, though.”

“I’m glad you think so,” I leaned back in my chair. “It takes time, as you already know, I’m sure. Most of my struggles have been internal battles—anxiety, trying to do any type of schooling with ADHD, my high school senioritis turning into depression and then coming back for seconds in undergrad.” I forced a smile. “Well, maybe that’s a lie. I struggled with maintaining a social circle, finding my people instead of following my brothers’ friends around,” I trailed off, laughing. “For me, it’s always been a bunch of small tedious shit that would occasionally snowball into something bigger.”

“I’d rather have that than constantly getting punched in the face by trauma,” Tobias laughed with me before his gaze landed on my drink. “Unrelated, can I try your cosmo?”

I nodded and passed him my glass, smirking as he took a sip from the straw. “Ha! Indirect kiss!”

The man rolled his eyes, smiling. “However, as a younger brother myself, I have always wondered what it's like to have siblings who genuinely like you,” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well, we’ve always had each other’s backs—especially when we were all still in school. Now that we’re grown, it’s kinda weird.” I paused. “Frankly, I’m closer to Mason then I am to Adrian… I would say it’s because he’s married, but they both are.”

I pushed the plate of bread toward Tobias, so I’d stop eating it. “Yes, Mason and I are closer in age, but we’re best friends. Meanwhile, Adrian has morphed into this hybrid brotherly dad figure, which is plausible given he’s a father now, but he shouldn’t be treating me like his kid,” I placed my hand on my chest. 

“That’s…another one of the reasons why I’m on the fence about dinner tomorrow evening.” I continued while staring off to the side. “He and Genevieve, his wife—it’s obvious they think less of me. Hell, she never even lets me call her Genie like everyone else does but,” I waved my hand, “That’s beside the point.”

Tobias chuckled. “So, in other words, it’s clear she thinks of you as being on a lower level.”

“Yeah. Honestly, I knew a chick in high school that’s scarily similar to her. Only-child, uptight, passive aggressive—which is ironic since everyone else in the house loves her. I’ve been uncomfortable around her ever since I overheard her convincing Adrian to get a real wedding photographer. ‘He needs to find his own work,’” I mimicked her voice. “‘And maybe after realizing he’s in a dead-end job, he’ll go back to school and pick something smart.’”

“What the hell does she even do?”  

“She’s an architect too. A project manager at a different firm,” I rolled my eyes. “And she makes it her whole personality.”

“Well, I’m in no rush to meet her,” Tobias snickered. “So, if you wanna bail on tomorrow, I’m with you. I’d love to meet your family but not if there’s other forces that are gonna stress you out.”

I fiddled with my cufflinks. “Y-Yeah. I miss when our dinners were just the five of us,” I sighed. “But even then, Adrian always makes me feel bad about the phase of life I’m in. I hate how Genie has rubbed off on him.”

“Is he blatantly being an asshole?”

“No, but his tone is always belittling. And don’t even get me started on how he’s always trying to force his agenda on me and give me unsolicited advice. His recommendations are never relevant to me. I know he loves me, but I think he’s ashamed of the real me.”

Tobias scoffed, eyeing a busser as they brought entrees to a couple sitting by us. “It’s not like you’re homeless or a druggie or something. You’re a fully functional, financially stable, independent man. What the fuck else does he want?”

 “A clone of himself that’s worth talking about. That’s not gay, self-employed, single, or twenty-six with dyed hair.” I paused. “Well, being single’s not an issue anymore, but it’s not like he knows that.”

“Is he homophobic?” Tobias cringed.

“Not…blatantly.” I shrugged. “I mean, he never wants to hear about my romantic escapades, although that could be due to my bad taste in men up until now,” I laughed sheepishly. “Although, he’s the only one in the family that’s never gone to Pride with me…which kinda sucks, now that I’m thinking about it,” I mumbled to myself.

“Have you ever brought it up?”

“The gay-specific stuff? No. But when he first got married, I mentioned how his demeanor towards me had been changing. He claimed he had been stressed about work and the wedding and likely had been projecting. Meanwhile, it’s only worsened since, and I know Genevieve is the brains behind the operation. But hey,” I sighed. “At least I have Mason. And Destiny likes me, too.”

“Still, that’s really shitty of him,” Tobias crossed his arms. 

“Yeah, hence why I only ever keep in touch with Mason. A phone works both ways, and yet Adrain never reaches out to me. I hear from Mason that they’re constantly in contact, but Adrian only calls or texts me when he needs something…which is typically babysitting since, y’know, I’m self-employed and don’t have shit else to do according to the O’Malleys. Oh yeah, and he took her last name.”

“Surprise, surprise.” Tobias snickered. “They sound like one of those unbearable power couples.”

I smirked, refusing to elaborate. “Regardless, Mason is always rooting for me, whereas nothing I do ever meets Adrian’s standards. I never imagined I’d had to work to earn my brother’s support.”

“Yeah, that’s fucking ridiculous.”

I took a long sip from my drink. “But you know, we’re grown ass men. I don’t have to report to anyone but myself. Growing apart is a shame, but I refuse to stress myself out when he won’t even bother to return a good morning text. Yes, he’s working and yes, he’s a parent now, but if Mason can get his weekly life update, why can’t I?”

“So, are you one hundred percent against attending this month’s dinner?”

I slouched in my chair. “Maybe ninety-six because I wanna see my parents, but we already know Adrian and little miss perfect will disapprovingly interview us. I’m in a good mood and I don’t have the patience for it.”

“I see no problem with that. There’s always next month. We’ve got time,” He grinned. “Cuz I don’t plan on leaving any time soon. And I’d rather have you all to myself before the work week anyways.”

I leaned on my hands, smiling. “Cuz you like me.”

“Damn straight.”

I snickered and fixed my posture as our food arrived, the aroma quickly suppressing the anger that had been welling up regarding my brother.

“Holy fuck, double asparagus looks insane.”

“You want some?” I beamed.

“Nah, that’s all you.” He unrolled his silverware and draped his napkin over his lap, chuckling as he quickly noticed me eyeing his steak. “You wanna try some?”

“I figured I should at least try my plate first,” I snickered as I quickly found myself obsessed with the asparagus and the pasta. And for once, our table grew quiet now that my mouth was full of food. 

When our server returned, Tobias ordered my cosmopolitan and I decided to try his rum and coke, just to keep it interesting, although I’d yet to meet a bartender who could fuck up such a simple drink.

Despite how good the meal was, I wound up with a to-go container given how big the plate of pasta was. I’m sure I still wouldn’t have finished it all if I hadn’t eaten so much bread. Hence, when we were gifted the dessert menu, I immediately handed it to Tobias knowing I had no room.

“You sure you don’t wanna share something?”

“I’ll spontaneously combust if you feed me anything else,” I leaned my head back as our server laughed.

“Then I’ll just take some strawberry shortcake to-go.”

“Sounds good.”

The moment he left, I sat back up and loosened my belt. “We definitely need to come here again. I need to look over the drink menu again and try some of the specials—I’m sure those are ten times as good as the regular stuff.”

Tobias laughed. “The lunch menu is also good! And no one’s dressed up when they come for lunch,” He rested his chin on his hands.

“So it’s one of those restaurants that’s only fancy after hours, huh?”

“Yeah, I honestly love it.”

“Me too!” I beamed, glancing around at the other couples. “I love the décor and the ambiance. I feel like we should be slow dancing to the jazz playing,” I snickered.

“Ah, well on Thursday nights, they play live jazz, so if you really want to, we’d have to come back then.” He smirked.

“Shit, for real?! Count me in!”

“Can I assume this is also your favorite place now?”

“Yes, but I’d feel wrong coming here without you,” I chuckled. “For our next date, I gotta take you to my favorite spot. Well, it’s more of a dessert place than dinner, but we’re grown. We can have dessert first.”

Our server returned with Tobias’ cake in a to-go bag which I placed my container inside of. When he grabbed the check, I leaned forward.

“How much was it?”

He smirked. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Is it more than a hundred?”

“Who cares?” He pulled out his debit card and placed it in the leather folder. “All that matters is that you’re satisfied and you’re full to bursting, so I’d say so.”

“Fuck yeah,” I grinned, patting my stomach. “Now I got a food baby.”

Tobias choked as he went to finish his drink and started laughing. 

“What? Have you never heard that before?!”

“I have! It’s just been a while!” He glanced over as the waiter returned, only to disappear for a few minutes again and come back with his card and the receipt copy. He stood up from the table with a stretch. “Anyways, you ready?”

I threw my jacket back on and grabbed the bag as he walked over to me, holding out his hand.

“Yeah!” I leaned up and pecked him on the cheek before we made our way back to the entrance. “Thank you for this. It’s been a while since I’ve been…pampered.” 

Tobias ruffled my hair after we got outside. “Nice change of pace?”

“With you, especially.”

I rocked on my heels as he left to pull the car around, immediately taking a short nap once we were on the road. Between the good food, the seat warmer, and the scent of his cologne filling the interior, it was hard not to. Although, when we were back on our side of town, I jolted awake.

“Augh, why do you wake up like you’ve just been in one of those falling dreams?!” Tobias asked, more startled than me. 

My laughter melted into a yawn. “It happens when I’m half asleep! Honestly, it feels weird when I don’t wake up from naps like that.”

Tobias glanced at me and shook his head as he drove.

“Anyways,” I continued. “Idea! Now that I’ve digested some of my food, I could actually go for some dessert.”

“You wanna turn around?” He raised an eyebrow.

I pulled out my phone. “Nah, I was thinking we could stop by the place I mentioned earlier. It’s an ice cream parlor. I know it’s freezing out, but that won’t stop me.”

Tobias smiled. “Sounds good to me.” He glanced at my phone as I propped it up on the dash so he could hear the directions better. “The night’s still young.”

Given the parlor was on the same route home, it didn’t take long to get there. Although it wasn’t until we parked and walked inside that we realized we had made it in the nick of time. The chairs were already stacked on the tables, but I hastily made my way to the front counter.

“Hi! Sorry! I know you guys are about to close, right?” I glanced at my phone, mumbling. “I forgot to check the hours.”

“It’s alright,” The brunette began. “We can take down two of the chairs.”

“Oh, we can just get something to-go! I know it’s late!” I stared up at the menu and then looked back at Tobias.

“What do you want? They also have sorbet. Frankly, I’m in a fruity mood.”

He snickered and placed his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer as he read the options. “Yeah, like that’s new.”

I elbowed him and he flinched before quickly erupting into laughter.

“I’ll take a small peach sorbet,” I pulled out my wallet as the woman nodded. 

“And…” Tobias mumbled, clearly still pondering. “There are too many options. I’ll just do the Neapolitan swirl…? Did I read that right?”

“Yep! And your size?”

“Also a small, please.” 

The woman nodded as her coworker grabbed one of the ice cream scoops while I inserted my card. After she handed me the receipt, I grabbed two spoons and Tobias grabbed the cone cups once they were done. We quickly thanked them and scampered out to his car to hopefully not inconvenience them any longer.

Tobias turned the key so we could have music and heat while we continued to sit in the lot. “This tastes fucking awesome,” He mumbled with his mouth full and when I looked over, a third was already gone.

“God, you’re gonna get brain freeze!”

He waved me away and reclined the seat back, leaning against the door a bit. “Nah! Well, ow, maybe a little. But who cares—this shit tastes amazing.”

“I know where all the best dessert places are around here. Cupcakes, donuts, ice cream—you name it.” I chuckled before eating a giant spoonful of sorbet. “I’m alright at cooking, but I can’t bake for shit so I’ve gotta find a substitute.”

“And Haagen Das or cake from the grocery store bakery isn’t satisfactory?”

“Haagen Das, yes. Semi stale grocery store cakes? Pass,” I smiled. “My mom’s awesome at baking so I have very high expectations.”

“So you’ve got a picky sweet tooth?” He returned the expression.

“Yeah!”

Since we were alone in the car and sorbet required less effort to eat than pasta, I found myself talking with my mouth full, but Tobias didn’t care, mainly because he was too focused on his own snack.

“And we can definitely come back here again! It’s only like ten minutes from the house. Honestly, I need you to try all the ice cream flavors. And the toppings!”

“Wait, there’s toppings?”

“They had already cleaned up, but yeah! I typically get gummi worms on everything. I normally get cookies and cream and gummi worms. As a kid, my dad called it dirt and worms.”

“I would eat that combination constantly in summer when I was like eight!”

“Wait, seriously?”

Tobias started eating the remnants of the cone. “Yeah! Nowadays, the sensation of gummi candy wigs me out, but I’m good with sprinkles or M&Ms or whatever.”

“There’s so many different forms of straight sugar.”

He snickered. “Exactly.”

I watched as he placed his empty container in the cupholder. “Sorry, I always take an eternity to eat cold stuff.”

“No judgment. There’s no rush.” He smirked. “I got all I need right here.”

“Oh?”

“Yep.” He moved the seat back and propped his feet up on the dash before looking back at me. “You, my car, and that one Michael Bublé CD I found at a garage sale years ago. The recipe for a perfect night on the town.”

I held my cup of sorbet closer to my face, blushing. 

“So, take as long as you want. You’re giving me an excuse to ogle you in that suit vest.”

I chuckled. “You really like it?”

“Yes!” He quickly sat up, only to immediately clear his throat. “I mean yeah, it’s cool.” We went silent for a half a second before breaking into laughter. “I love your preppy look and the vest seals the deal. You look like an author. I can’t explain it, but it’s adorable.” He paused. “And kinda hot.”

“Being called hot will always give me whiplash,” I snickered and leaned up to examine myself in the visor mirror. “Look at me!”

Tobias leaned on the center console. “I am and I like what I see. I think you’re the perfect balance of adorable and hot. I mean hey, who doesn’t love a man in a suit whether that be a suit vest or a suit jacket?” He grinned. “You said it yourself.”

“Oh, shut up,” I lightly pushed him back onto the driver’s side, but he grabbed my hand and kissed it.

“Your lips are cold!” I laughed.

“Still?” He seemed surprised.

“Kinda, yeah!”

“Honestly, I wish we’d made it here ten minutes earlier just so I can go back in there and try a different flavor. I’m actually not a Neapolitan guy but that was noteworthy.”

I rocked back and forth in the passenger seat. “I’m glad! It wouldn’t be tough to stop by here after dinner during the week, even.”

“Honestly, I might throw a tantrum if this place were on the other side of town too,” He snickered as he leaned in, examining my cup. “Am I allowed to get a head start on flavors and try the peach? It’s not ice cream but I’m still interested.”

“Sure!” I beamed. “Well, I’m actually making good progress so there’s barely a spoonful left,” I mumbled. “You want the rest?”

“Eh, no sweat,” Tobias pushed down my armrest and leaned across the console. “I won’t rob you. This’ll do,” He said before turning my head and pulling me into a soft kiss. I couldn’t help but smile against his lips seconds before he leaned back, visibly proud of himself.

“O-Okay that was smooth, I’ll give you that, but do I really taste like peach? Didn’t I dilute the flavor on some level?” I glanced at my sorbet, grinning. 

“Well, yeah.” He smirked. “That’s kinda what I was going for. Best of both worlds.”

My face burned and Tobias laughed at my expression. I fiddled with the cup in my hands, slowly panicking as he eyed me from across the car. 

“D-Do you still want to try it, though? It’s turning into soup,” I laughed to myself. “Or…” I trailed off before placing the container in the cupholder beside his, frequently glancing at him as I failed to find something to do with my hands.

He looked me over while slowly closing the gap between us. “I-If it’s fine with you, I kind preferred it diluted.”

I smiled as he leaned in again, pressing his lips to mine for a few seconds.

“Yeah, that’s cool,” I muttered before he brushed my hair behind my ears and I closed my eyes, loosening up as he kissed me for longer. 

We were at a weird angle, but I didn’t care. When he slid his tongue into my mouth, I quickly understood the appeal of his saliva tasting sweeter than usual. I had no desire to pause for air or wipe the spit off my chin. Instead, I was dying to pull him closer to me.

When we’d part, he’d gaze at me before tangling his hands back in my hair and pulling us back together. I slowly straightened my posture, careful not to hit my head on the roof of the car as I leaned him back onto my side. I assumed he would’ve broken the kiss, but even with his eyes closed, he quickly got the subtext and climbed on top of me in the passenger seat as I reclined it as far back as it could go. 

I let out a short sigh of relief after feeling his body weight on top of me, to which a muffled moan erupted from his mouth into mine. He ran his hands down my sides, and I squirmed under him before finally allowing myself to tousle his silky hair. In seconds, I felt like I was melting between the heated seats and the warmth radiating from his body.

Tobias leaned up and loosened his tie as he smiled down at me. “Last time I checked, you had some vendetta against parking lot sex.”

I tensed up under him. “Okay, for starters, does this look like sex to you? I think it’d be impressive if we were having sex fully clothed!” I laughed as he rolled his eyes. “Not to mention, the lot is empty this time!”

“Oh shit,” He smirked and glanced out the window. “Yeah.” He looked back down at me. “And we’re sober.”

“Well, I’m buzzed.”

He leaned down and kissed my neck. “Frankly, your personality makes it seem like you’re always buzzed,” He chuckled. “It’s cute. I love it.”

Feeling his breath against my ear made my spine tingle. He planted soft kisses along my jaw and neck before he scraped his teeth against my Adam’s apple, and I jolted.

“Ah, fuck!”

“Oh shit, I did not know you liked that,” Tobias laughed as I failed to hide my smile as he expectedly redid the action and earned a similar response.

“Only downside about collared shirts and formal attire is that I can’t reach the areas I want without fighting for it.”

“Talk about being down bad!”

“Shut up!” Tobias grinned before quickly cutting me off with another deep kiss. I managed to wriggle my hand under his jacket just to untuck his shirt and caress his back directly. At the same time, he grew tired of feeling me up through my clothes wrestled a hand under my vest and shirt to massage my chest. 

“I-I’m sorry,” I leaned out of the kiss and crammed my face into his neck, taking in his cologne. “I’m sweaty as hell—it’s terrible.”

“It’s fine,” He chuckled as his fingers grazed my nipple. “I can turn down the heat. I’m dying too.”

I watched as he sat up and awkwardly twisted around to fiddle with the air. I was quickly mesmerized by the sight of him straddling me in his suit with his disheveled hair, even though we weren’t even making eye contact. Despite the poor lighting, I could still see the outline of his erection in his dress pants and the more I stared at it, the more antsy I got. And the fact that he was positioned on top of mine only made it worse.

“Hey,” I reached up and grabbed his tie. “Let’s go home.”

“R-Right now?” He glanced over.

“Y-Yeah,” I gulped. “We’re burning gas, it’s getting late, and I’d rather be comfortable. I-I’m not saying to call it quits—I just need to relocate.”

“I’m not judging,” Tobias chuckled. “I need a shower and some sweats.” He gave me one more kiss before awkwardly rolling back onto the driver’s side, only to bang his tailbone on the gear shift and curse. I held in my laugh as he acted like nothing had happened.

“You want company?” I reclined the seat back up, smirking as Tobias strapped himself in.

“Oh? You’re finally owning it?” He quickly pulled out of the lot. “Uh, fuck yes!”

“O-Okay, well let’s not get to heaven ahead of schedule!” I cackled as he sped down the empty side road to our house.

At this point, I don’t think I could forget this Saturday even if I tried. I happily drank the rest of my soupy peach sorbet as Tobias drove us home. Given how much time we’d spent together in the past month, tonight felt more like a seventh date. Maybe it was small, but just him joining me on the couch after work to marathon movies or cartoons gave me just as much bliss as doing something big.

We could’ve gone for a walk around the neighborhood, and I still would’ve been happy tonight. At the end of the day, all I wanted was to listen to his voice, smell his cologne, and feel the warmth of him holding my hand. 

The idea of being pampered by a rich guy with money to burn seemed like a nice fantasy, but I grew more attracted to the fact that he didn’t need anything material to satisfy me. Wealth or not, he was humble, kind, and more like me than I ever would’ve learned by just watching him from my car at the crack of dawn. I enjoyed being myself around him—flaws, habits, and all.

I may be a dork with too many multicolored ties, too many ideas, and too much pink hair dye, but at least I finally found someone who loves me for it.

5:18AM, 3.25.2024