Yep, a COVID-19 vent thread

Lost my job 2 days ago, no word back from unemployment, no stimulus, having to do my very last quarter of college before graduation online, the rest of my family, including my little brother, are stuck in New York. Yeah, things kinda suck right now. Quarantine has spiraled me down into a deep depression and I feel hopeless. The bad has just piled up to the point where I feel like this is punishment for something. I'm an extremely social person and not being able to see my friends or coworkers anymore has literally eaten alive at me these past few weeks and I've gone from being a super happy, positive, organized person to an absolute mess than barely wants to get out of bed, only to have my family that is with me, snap at me for doing so.

I sometimes take walks to see other people and whenever I see a stranger I wave out of sheer excitement because the inability to meet new people face to face during this time has done nothing but killed me. They don't always wave back but I'm happy with just an acknowledgement that they exist. I can't help but cry whenever I get back home because I just. miss everyone so much. Every day feels like I'm just trying to pass the time, waiting for life to go back to normal. The thought that this could go on for months is driving me insane. I worry for everyone, I worry for myself. I hate everything

There are positives, I know there are, hell, my main job paid for 4 weeks of time off after quarantine started, my other job is government-funded and are still paying me even though I'm not working right now (small amount, 80$ a week). I'm still here with my girlfriend, and holy fuck this has given me so much time to catch up with everything I need to do, drawings, animation, projects, building a new computer. But just- with how badly the isolation is affecting me It almost feels not worth it anymore, because I feel no enjoyment in none of it anymore. I wish I had health insurance because I really do think I need help right now, None of my family wants to listen and I feel guilty ranting about this to my friends.

Kind of funny that I came across your post, since I too am in New York, attend school and I can relate closely to the struggle you've described. If you'd like to chat or vent, I'd totally  be down. Just message me.

I have a severe case of OCD. Been dealing with it since I was 11. I don't like to say, "I have OCD" because OCD is often regarded as a joke, or a disorder that isn't meant to be life-threatening. It's not as "serious" as schizophrenia or depression, or at least I've been told.  It's been extremely bad this past month due to COVID -- and my "obsessions" aren't even germ-related. It's magical thinking.

It's like, doing absurd things in front of your family, things that you know are illogical and silly, repeatedly, for several hours a day, because you truly believe you will somehow infect them with COVID if you don't. I literally cannot talk to anyone about this without looking like I'm crazy.

1. If you can imagine yourself not wearing underwear around your house for a day because all your pairs seemed "cursed", 

2. stepping in and out of the shower for 30 minutes in a frustrated panic because you think stepping in "incorrectly" will damn you the entire rest of the shower, though you really want to just fucking shower but you also don't want to wake up tomorrow morning dead because you worried more about the comfort of the present moment than your life, until you slip or hurt yourself

- every time you shower

- every day

3. writing incoherent sentences on homework assignments and sending them in knowing they're there because you think choosing certain words will hurt you

- trying to open up your communication apps to call your friends and distract yourself, until you realize you can't actually type because of the same problem as #3

4. walking in circles on the sidewalk outside of your house in front of your neighbors until you believe you've walked across the slab of concrete "correctly" and feeling extremely angry for not being able to explain what's going on without looking crazy

5. not being able to draw because you have to keep erasing your lines over and over again. even if they're perfect. it's not about perfection. it's because you thought about death at the same time you thought about drawing those really good looking hands that you're actually proud of because you're a slave to your disorder and are afraid of falling down the stairs as punishment for trying to do things you like

6. wanting to go to bed at 12, ending up finally going to bed at 2 am because you've spent two hours getting in and out of bed, putting toothpaste on and off the brush repeatedly, walking up and down the stairs because if you get into bed having walked up the stairs incorrectly you'll embody the spirit of evil during your entire sleep and all those 8 hours will translate to 8 hours of scattered suffering

7. trying to somehow still find purpose and meaning in life without actually being able to do anything without undergoing a fiasco of some sort

and picture multiple of these happening in the same day,

congrats, you've got my OCD

Is it bad that E-learning is making my brain go off every time I have assignments due and regret talking breaks on assignments. I'm left feeling weird.. There is no one to really talk to since I had to delete discord because it made me sick to my stomach to use. I was feeling pretty good when it all began. I really miss going outside think it's going to affect me very badly. I was having a hard time trying to eat because my stomach hurts.

I wish this math course would make up it's damn mind about how the class is going to be graded and when the work is due by. 

I've been asking for a deadline for the past 3 weeks and my math teacher's been flat out ignoring the question and now he's being "it's all due by the 27th this is important" in an email I received today (22nd April). That leaves me with 5 days to get a large volume of work done (approx a month's worth) which is unrealistic and unreasonable. I have been doing the work don't get me wrong but that's the rough volume of work I still have to work through.

I know government advice keeps changing and that's not helping but I've had no notice from the college it's self if this is the new guideline for grading and I'm unwilling to take his word for it until I hear back from the college that organizes the courses. I hate to make complaints like that but I'm just not getting anywhere going through the tutor directly and how he's handled it (or not) has frankly been a shitfest. He's flat out ignoring my queries or giving vague non-answers. He isn't willing to give help when it's needed and has told me to self-teach. I'm being left behind and forgotten. It has me feeling frustrated and I feel like giving up because I'm not getting anywhere and it's been hell on my anxiety. 

If I have to loose a week's worth of sleep to get everything done I have to loose a week's worth of sleep but I want to hear it from the college first. I am not loosing sleep for the 27th April to roll around to find guidelines have changed again or to find out the tutor came up with the date because it suits him. I've already done that when they brought the mock forward without warning meaning I lost the 2 weeks I thought I had to finish up the last bits of revision I had been intending to spread over those remaining 2 weeks. They were initially going to grade the course off that mock and having to go 5 days without sleeping much to get everything done left me feeling burnt out with math only to change the guidelines.

This distance learning bullshit has been more stressful than the virus it's self. I'm so fucking tired of not knowing where I'm coming or going, of chasing things to get vague non-answers that don't answer my queries or ignore my queries all together. I'm so fucking tired of being left behind and forgotten and expected to self-teach my weakest subject without help or support. I expect to put work in at home because they were upfront with that when I signed onto the course, I don't expect to have to teach myself concepts I've never even come across because the tutor's reaction to me not getting lesson invites is "lol nvm" it's ridiculous.