Cas' Memories

Fighting and fighting, ever since the day he left her. As much as she swore she never would, eventually, she had to crack.

She never saw it as some big decision to keep on living, how she dragged herself from each day to the next. It didn't feel like consciously choosing to continue, to not stop. It was just a thing she did. And a thing she didn't do.

But the night she peered into the void and saw herself in it, something in her must have decided to live.

Why else had she always hesitated? Why did she consider it then let the moment pass? Why does she yearn to drown in inky depths but always walk away intact? Why does she fight the Grey when she could just as easily become ash?

It never felt important. But every tiny decision adds up. Every step a fight, a struggle just to stay alive.

Why does she bother? She can't fight anymore. She can't even take another step. Her legs give out, a feeble splash as she collapses into the ankle-high water that now runs clear beneath her.

"Just let me go." The front she's been keeping up at all costs, her rage, her isolation, is cracking and crumbling within her, outside her. It spills openly down her face, insecure, vulnerable. "Just let me die."

That tiny spark of rebellion wasn't enough. With her tainted memories ripped out of her, with a final few moments of drowning air, as the void devoured her eyes and her heart and left her soulless, all she felt was relief as she quietly accepted her fate. It was all she'd ever wanted. It was the way out she'd craved. And there was nothing left to fight for, no reason to go on. Finally, she could let herself give in. Finally, she could say she was done with this world and mean it.

How does it feel, knowing no one is coming for you?

It was exactly what she'd expected, exactly what she wanted. Let them go on without her. Let her disappear. Better that way, for her, for everyone. Cast out by the gods, let her wander the stars. Let her find him up there.

But they did come back for her.

"I don't want you to die." It echoes between them, three voices joined as one. She can't believe it, she won't.

Why do they care...? Why do they fight for her when she can't even fight for herself? What do they see in her? A lost soul? A distorted reflection? An echo?

Worth saving...? Why?

She's cracking, broken. Filled with scattered holes and scars that can never be repaired, all spiralling out from that one irreparable hollow. Not worth anything now, never was, never could be. Just another empty vessel. Always replaceable.

What are you searching for...? Something to replace what you've lost? Something to replace your brother?

Nothing can replace him. The crater and ruin he left in her heart has spread like ash, weakening her resolve, giving way to fissures and fractures that criss-cross her soul 'til there's nothing left beneath.

She's always fought to keep anyone away from her, to keep them from hurting her like he did all over again. To keep herself together on the verge of falling apart. She's always fought.

But now she's in pieces. She's out of fight. She doesn't fight.

At the slightest touch she feels like shattering all over again. But she can't bring herself to pull away. She finds herself falling into them. She finds she can't let go.

Nothing can replace him, what she's lost forever. Nothing will bring those days back. Nothing will fill that hole.

Maybe they can't take his place. But maybe they don't need to.

As they hold her close, as she lets herself be held, something breaks. Something damaged in her disintegrates to dust.

In its ashes, she reforms. A few of the cracks have sealed.