Cas' Memories

The light breaks and they’re themselves again, dumped on the bank of the river with Farmoor’s shining waters eclipsing its cities to the south.

And for a moment, she can’t move, body formless still. Her legs tremble in the silt, her eyes locked on the rushing blues and silvers dimming in the fading light, not seeing them.

There’s a key somewhere, far away. On the island of Afar, off the coast of…

Nale. Even before Vela talked about it, that island’s name had twinged some deep recognition in her, words murmured decades ago by her parents or in class. Words her eyes brushed over on a map a thousand times, so close to the city they always fell on.

The voices behind her snap her back into reality. “I never wanted to go back to that island, but…” Vela, always selfless, always looking ahead. “If it’s the only way, then we’ll just have to.”

Strength, defiance, fills her. On quivering legs she manages to rise. “Iwon’t,”she hisses, the words clawing out of her throat. “I won’tgo back there.”

Pitying eyes fall on her, understanding the implication. “We don’t have a choice,” Vela murmurs. “If that’s where the key is, then – ”

Cas turns sharply, flumping down in the damp dirt with her back to them. They leave her for the moment, discussing where to go next and finally settling on the Air Plane. It doesn’t make her feel much better. It’s only stalling.

The river rushing dark beneath her dangling paws is interspersed with jagged rocks, a shattered reflection of the white moons in them. Her memories scream in her head until she can’t hear their voices, the water, anything.

Water blacker than this, the moons’ reflections clearer, the stones beneath ever more jagged. The emptiness consuming her soul and the screams echoing in her head as she leans forward, testing the air, not caring if she slips, almost letting herself fall – 

She nearly tumbles forward as someone approaches, whipping around to find Vela sitting a few feet away. Is the panic written in blood on her face suppressed, or is she just ignoring it? Her expression holds only tempered concern.

“We’ll be okay,” she says gently. “I promise.”

For a moment it seems like she’s going to reach out or lean in either one. Whatever that was, it shatters as Cas pulls away, dragging her gaze back to the water now too dark to see more than a few ripples of light in. She scrunches herself into a tighter ball and shuts her out for good.

Vela sighs, but says nothing more as she rises, turning back to the campfire by the bridge that Kadoren is just lighting. They’ll stay the night. And then they’ll move on.

Cas stays there by the water. In the darkness, with her friends too far away to see, she doesn’t bother to hide her trembling.

Her old self had been suppressed somewhat, making way for something new. But now she feels it churning in her again. Not just the old angry conviction, the stubbornness of her bleak and lonely outlook. But something older than that, something from even longer ago. Something, someone, small and helpless and scared.

I won’t go back.

I won’t.